(GROUND NUMBER 258)
Dateline: 14th SEPTEMBER 2006
A LE COQ ARENA,
UEFA CUP 1st Round 1st Leg
“A KISS OR SOME COQ!”
Another ‘roond the world trip’ was in the offin’ when
we drew Estonians, Lavadia Tallinn in the forst roond of the UEFA Cup.
This time it was a flight from Toon airport to
Stansted, another flight to
We had a bit of a tight schedule to say the least as
wor first flight was due to land with
just an hour before wor second flight was due to take off---ANY hold-ups and we
would miss it!
With the tightened security a ridiculous situation
occurred at Toon airport.
Toon fans Harry and Bernie were telt that they could
take hand luggage provided they ‘binned’ their toothpaste and deodorant as this was’nt allowed. They duly did alang
with other fans and were telt that they could buy their toiletries ‘duty free
side’, after they’d cleared the security checks.
However!—as they went to put their bags through the
scanner they were telt that they were TOO BIG for hand luggage and would have
to be checked in after aall!
And so off they went back to the check in desk, but
not before tryin’ to find their discarded items.
Bernie who is a muli-millionaire could be seen scavangin’
through the bins in search of his tube of toothpaste---which he eventually
foond! (f*****’ tight b******!)
On arrival at Stansted we had to come oot of the
security zone, catch a train to another part of the airport and gan through the
whole rigmarole once again!
We were (very) lucky and just made it despite the huge
queues to get back through security where yi had ti take yi skeets off and hoy
them through a scanner!
The ones who had bought their toiletries ‘duty free
side’ in Toon airport were telt once again to hoy it away or their luggage
would have ti gan in the hold! (total madness!)
The third ‘leg’ from
After yet another ‘night on the hoy’ in yet another European backwater and with the locals not exactly ‘jumpin for joy’ to see us (ie: they were mostly miserable t****!) aa decided to have an ‘orly neet’ as aa was totally ‘cream crackered’ with havin’ to get up at ‘three bells’ in the mornin’ and aa crashed oot at ‘ten (pm) bells’ in The Metropole Hotel, leavin’ the rest of them to drink the night away. “ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!”
Next day was match day of course and after a ‘healthy
option’, fifteen or so hot dogs (Stumpy coonted them!) (Er!---they were anly
‘mini’ size!) a moontain of scrambled eggs, a roond of toast and six slices of
breed ‘n’ butter brekky, it was off to sample the delights of the main square
in Tallinn (the ‘delights’ bein’ the many boozers dotted aboot the
square!---NOT! The historic buildings!)
The anly downside to this was that we were pestered by
various street sellers sellin’ anythin’ from ridiculously coloured thick woolly
hats that looked like tea cosies to packets of Viagra tablets!
One of wor company---namely ‘Peter from High Heaton’
was constantly pestered to buy some Viagra tablets. The kid who was sellin’ them
would’nt give up despite Peter’s protests and much to wor amusement!
“Are yi tryin’ ti tell iz sommik—like?”, Peter said as
the kid thrust the blue tablets in his
He eventually gave up after qwaata of an hour’s
tryin’, but the ‘damage had been done’ and Peter now had a new name---‘VIAGRA
A lass caalled 'Amy' (not hor real name!), who had aalso been on wor previous trips to Europe
As Harry pointed 'straight faced' towards the said beer pumps, she was asked the ‘deadly question’, which will
gan doon in the annals of Geordie folk law : “Amy!”---,he said, “would yi
like a ‘Kiss’, OR!---would yi like some ‘COQ’!”
(Hor answer a’m afraid is defenateleee unprintable!!!)
“THERE’S ANLY ONE TOON IN
The forst time a’d ever heard of ‘Tallinn’ was when
Scotland were due to play a Euro qualifier against Estonia in the capital city
a few years ago and the home side failed to torn up!
A farcical situation arose whereas the jocks took to
the field by themselves and kicked off anly for the ref to immediately abandon
the game after one second as they had nee team to play! (apparently, they’d got
their dates mixed up or sommik???)
“THE LONE ‘STAR’ ‘STATE’!”
However!---this time it was reported that the other
torn up and to ‘celebrate’ we heeded for a ‘familiar’ boozer outside the groond
called the ‘Stars’ for wor pre match gargels-----(NOT in the same mould as wor
own ‘Star’ on Westgate Road BUT! It did sell beer!----or in this case, cans of
They had a captive audience as it was the anly booza
within reasonable ‘hocklin’ distance’ of the ground, as it stood ‘aall on it’s
One Toon fan was in a ‘reet state’ and looked as
though he’d had rather tooo much of the local ‘hootch’ as he could hardly stand
up and he nearly fell ower a table full of drinks! (obviously NOT a ‘sensible’
drinker like us!?)
It was aalso pretty obvious that they would run oot of
cans of ‘easy rider’ before lang as more and more Toon fans piled into the bar
and before lang ‘panic buyin’ started with fans snappin’ up aall the remainin’
hootch. (Er!—the ‘fans’ bein’ Grumpy Stumpy and me!)
Once we had ‘drank the bar dry’ there was nowt else
for it but to heed for the tornstiles at ‘Le Coq’
Their were quite a few Toon fans in the visitors
section behind the goal and there were certainly more fans here than in the
previous roond ‘just doon the road’ in
The Toon started off well and took the lead after nine
minutes when Damian Duff hoisted in a free kick on the reet hand side of the
pitch and debut boy Sibeirski (who looks the ‘spit’ of Ketspia) heeded the
baall in from the far post.
This a’m afraid was the ‘highlight’ of the game and
the rest of the match was pretty borin’ ti say the least!
There was ne more score, but on the bright side it WAS
a vital away goal and for the thord European away game in a row we had won
without concedin’ a goal, (aalthough!, it has to be said, the opposition in
aall wor three games was hardy better than yi would get in the English lower
NAMED AND SHAMED!
“VIAGRA PETER AND THE EXPLODING TOASTER!”
The mornin’ after the game there was a knock on the
room door. It was mee mate Davy and the forst thing he said was, “Aa hope yiz
divvint fancy toast for yi brekkies this mornin’ coz Viagra Peter has blew the
Apparentleee----Peter fancied a cheese toastie and as
the toaster was one of them revolvin’ ones where yi put the breed in at one
side and ‘hey presto’ it comes oot as toast on the other side he decided to put
a cheese toppin’ on the breed and sent it through. Unfortunatally the cheese
caught fire and the toaster exploded!,----sendin’ plooms of smoke into the
restaurant which was packed with tourists and Toon fans!
This in torn short circuited the electricity supply and put the lights oot in the process!
He was promptly barred from the restaurant for life!. But!---as this was wor last day here and the
chances of comin’ back were remote to say the least---it did’nt reeely matter!
(Who wants ‘heron on toast’ anyway?) (the national dish)
Then it was off on the twelve hour return journey back
to the Toon by the same way wi’d come---we nearly missed the flight in Stansted
again after bein’ delayed two hours in
*In memory of Harry, who iz sadly nee langer with us!
RIP HARRY---Lost but not forgotten