Thursday 22 October 2020

258 a le coq arena, tallinn, estonia


Dateline: 14th SEPTEMBER 2006



NEWCASTLE UNITED  1  (Sibierksi)


UEFA CUP 1st Round 1st Leg

Attendance: 7,917




Another ‘roond the world trip’ was in the offin’ when we drew Estonians, Lavadia Tallinn in the forst roond of the UEFA Cup.

This time it was a flight from Toon airport to Stansted, another flight to Helsinki in Finland and then a ferry across the Baltic sea to Tallinn! (we NEVA de things the easy way!)

We had a bit of a tight schedule to say the least as wor first flight  was due to land with just an hour before wor second flight was due to take off---ANY hold-ups and we would miss it!


With the tightened security a ridiculous situation occurred at Toon airport.

Toon fans Harry and Bernie were telt that they could take hand luggage provided they ‘binned’ their toothpaste and deodorant  as this was’nt allowed. They duly did alang with other fans and were telt that they could buy their toiletries ‘duty free side’, after they’d cleared the security checks.


However!—as they went to put their bags through the scanner they were telt that they were TOO BIG for hand luggage and would have to be checked in after aall!

And so off they went back to the check in desk, but not before tryin’ to find their discarded items.

Bernie who is a muli-millionaire could be seen scavangin’ through the bins in search of his tube of toothpaste---which he eventually foond! (f*****’ tight b******!)

On arrival at Stansted we had to come oot of the security zone, catch a train to another part of the airport and gan through the whole rigmarole once again!


We were (very) lucky and just made it despite the huge queues to get back through security where yi had ti take yi skeets off and hoy them through a scanner!

The ones who had bought their toiletries ‘duty free side’ in Toon airport were telt once again to hoy it away or their luggage would have ti gan in the hold! (total madness!)


The third ‘leg’ from Helsinki was more relaxed and the ferry crossin’ took one and a half hours through thick fog (and plenty of ‘grog’!) across the Baltic sea



After yet another ‘night on the hoy’ in yet another European backwater and with the locals not exactly ‘jumpin for joy’ to see us (ie: they were mostly miserable t****!) aa decided to have an ‘orly neet’ as aa was totally ‘cream crackered’ with havin’ to get up at ‘three bells’ in the mornin’ and aa crashed oot at ‘ten (pm) bells’  in The Metropole Hotel, leavin’ the rest of them to drink the night away.  “ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!”


Next day was match day of course and after a ‘healthy option’, fifteen or so hot dogs (Stumpy coonted them!) (Er!---they were anly ‘mini’ size!) a moontain of scrambled eggs, a roond of toast and six slices of breed ‘n’ butter brekky, it was off to sample the delights of the main square in Tallinn (the ‘delights’ bein’ the many boozers dotted aboot the square!---NOT! The historic buildings!)


The anly downside to this was that we were pestered by various street sellers sellin’ anythin’ from ridiculously coloured thick woolly hats that looked like tea cosies to packets of Viagra tablets!

One of wor company---namely ‘Peter from High Heaton’ was constantly pestered to buy some Viagra tablets. The kid who was sellin’ them would’nt give up despite Peter’s protests and much to wor amusement!

“Are yi tryin’ ti tell iz sommik—like?”, Peter said as the kid thrust the blue tablets  in his face!

He eventually gave up after qwaata of an hour’s tryin’, but the ‘damage had been done’ and Peter now had a new name---‘VIAGRA PETER’!


A lass caalled 'Amy' (not hor real name!), who had aalso been on wor previous trips to Europe, was asked by Harry what she fancied to drink in a bar in the city centre. Amongst the ales on sale was a cider which went by the name of ‘Kiss’ and one beer by the name of ‘Le Coq’, which was aalso the name of the stadium that we were playin’ in the next day.

As Harry  pointed 'straight faced' towards the said beer pumps, she was asked the ‘deadly question’, which will gan doon in the annals of Geordie folk law : “Amy!”---,he said, “would yi like a ‘Kiss’, OR!---would yi like some ‘COQ’!” 

(Hor answer a’m afraid is defenateleee unprintable!!!)





The forst time a’d ever heard of ‘Tallinn’ was when Scotland were due to play a Euro qualifier against Estonia in the capital city a few years ago and the home side failed to torn up!

A farcical situation arose whereas the jocks took to the field by themselves and kicked off anly for the ref to immediately abandon the game after one second as they had nee team to play! (apparently, they’d got their dates mixed up or sommik???)

The Scotland fans dressed in their obligatory kilts and sporrans, sang, “There’s only one team in Tallinn!”, as they danced on the terraces, much to the amusement of the world and ‘yours truelee’!  





However!---this time it was reported that the other team would! torn up and to ‘celebrate’ we heeded for a ‘familiar’ boozer outside the groond called the ‘Stars’ for wor pre match gargels-----(NOT in the same mould as wor own ‘Star’ on Westgate Road BUT! It did sell beer!----or in this case, cans of it!)

They had a captive audience as it was the anly booza within reasonable ‘hocklin’ distance’ of the ground, as it stood ‘aall on it’s lonesome’.

One Toon fan was in a ‘reet state’ and looked as though he’d had rather tooo much of the local ‘hootch’ as he could hardly stand up and he nearly fell ower a table full of drinks! (obviously NOT a ‘sensible’ drinker like us!?)


It was aalso pretty obvious that they would run oot of cans of ‘easy rider’ before lang as more and more Toon fans piled into the bar and before lang ‘panic buyin’ started with fans snappin’ up aall the remainin’ hootch. (Er!—the ‘fans’ bein’ Grumpy Stumpy and me!)

Once we had ‘drank the bar dry’ there was nowt else for it but to heed for the tornstiles at ‘Le Coq’

Their were quite a few Toon fans in the visitors section behind the goal and there were certainly more fans here than in the previous roond ‘just doon the road’ in Latvia.



The Toon started off well and took the lead after nine minutes when Damian Duff hoisted in a free kick on the reet hand side of the pitch and debut boy Sibeirski (who looks the ‘spit’ of Ketspia) heeded the baall in from the far post.

This a’m afraid was the ‘highlight’ of the game and the rest of the match was pretty borin’ ti say the least!

There was ne more score, but on the bright side it WAS a vital away goal and for the thord European away game in a row we had won without concedin’ a goal, (aalthough!, it has to be said, the opposition in aall wor three games was hardy better than yi would get in the English lower leagues!)







The mornin’ after the game there was a knock on the room door. It was mee mate Davy and the forst thing he said was, “Aa hope yiz divvint fancy toast for yi brekkies this mornin’ coz Viagra Peter has blew the toaster up!”

Apparentleee----Peter fancied a cheese toastie and as the toaster was one of them revolvin’ ones where yi put the breed in at one side and ‘hey presto’ it comes oot as toast on the other side he decided to put a cheese toppin’ on the breed and sent it through. Unfortunatally the cheese caught fire and the toaster exploded!,----sendin’ plooms of smoke into the restaurant which was packed with tourists and Toon fans!

This in torn short circuited the electricity supply and put the lights oot in the process!

 This did’nt gan doon well with the restaurant manageress who had apparently warned Peter not to do it a few minutes orlier---BUT when hor back was torned he did the ‘dastardlee deed’

He was promptly barred from the restaurant for life!.  But!---as this was wor last day here and the chances of comin’ back were remote to say the least---it did’nt reeely matter! (Who wants ‘heron on toast’ anyway?) (the national dish)


Then it was off on the twelve hour return journey back to the Toon by the same way wi’d come---we nearly missed the flight in Stansted again after bein’ delayed two hours in Helsinki (nowt unusual there!) ----but that’s the risk yi take when yi follow The Toon in Europe on ‘bucket’ flights!

*In memory of Harry, who iz sadly nee langer with us!

RIP HARRY---Lost but not forgotten


©FINK™  (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

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