Tuesday 30 June 2020


Posted '7:33pm bells' Tuesday 30th Joon 2020

At last! we have hord The Premyaa Leegue's chief executive Richard Masters voice and he haz given some clarity aboot just when the takeower or non takeower will be announced!

After bein quizzed by MPs, he says it will happen very soon, as we heed into the month of July tomorrow!
The 4th month of diliberation, which started in April!

Everybody is asking now, includin 'Broken Nose Bruce', the players and wor record goalscorer Alan Shearer!
Toon fans started a petition to get Masters to 'get hiz finger oot' and within 2 hours 5,000 had signed it! (includin' The Geordie Times!)

We just need to naa!---one way or the othaa, Richard!!!🙏🙏🙏

Sunday 28 June 2020


Posted '8:15pm bells' Munday 29th Joon 2020

The last FA Cup tie a'd missed at SJP woz against Sheff Wed in January 1966!
 Since then av been to every single one from January 1967 (Carlisle) to January 2020 (Oxfaad). A sequence which sadly came to an end in yesterday's behind closed doors game v Man City!

A run of '80 in a row' woz consigned to the dustbin, as aa reluctantly became an 'NUFC mad-sad 'Tellyhopper' for the thord time in 7 days and watched on from mee livin room, with mee little doggy and a bottle of 'DOG'! (Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale!)

*The game started at '6:30bells' and straight away Man City went on the attack at The Gallowgate End and laid siege to wor goal for the first 30 odd minutes, where attack after attack, would surely result in a goal sooner rather than later!

And then finally the pressure paid off---A needless penalty given away by Fabian Schar in the 37th minute for pushing a City player resulted in De Bruyne scoring from the spot, sending keeper Karl Darlow the wrang way!
It woz still aall one way traffic with hardly anything gannin on at the opposite Leazes End, where Man City keeper Bravo had nowt to dee but twiddle hiz thumbs!

I then got a text message from 'Tex' Taylor which read: "The City keeper may az well gan and feed the ducks next door!" (Leazes Park lake iz behind The Leazes End!) (see top photo!)

The commentator then said that Man City had 85% of the possession, which woz staggerin', considerin' that we were supposed to be the home team!
Almiron, for example, got a forst mention late in the half and the commentator added, "First set of passes from Newcastle after 43 minutes!" 

Just before the teams ran oot for the 2nd half, the commentator once again said the blindingly obvious after such a poor show in the forst half! "Steve Bruce might as well change something!" (Hiz brain!)  "HE DIDN'T!" and sent the same 11 oot for the restart!


NUFC actually tried to play some futbaall in this half, and we nearly equalised through Dwight Gayle who had just come on for Andy Carroll, but he somehow 'skied' the baall ower the bar from 6 yards oot, with the goal 'gapin', in the 65th minute!

And did we pay the price for that miss, az just 3 minutes later 'The Blue Moonies' ran into wor half and Sterling hit an unstoppable shot from lang range, which beat Darlow in The Toon goal aall ends up to end wor Wembley nightmare once and for aall! 
(I say 'nightmare', coz we would have had to watch it on the telly again, sommik which would be very hard to take, especially if we'd reached the final (both semi finals and final are to be played at the home of futbaall!---with nee fans present, of course!)

We can at least breathe a sigh of relief that the above scenario now can't happen!

If anything, wor shockin performance tells us that this takeower saga, which iz set to drag into a FOURTH MONTH in two days time, must surly be approved very soon, (PLEEEZE!) or else we will be 'cannon fodder' for the likes of Man City and Liverpoool for the foreseeable future!

Toon team: Darlow, Manquillo, Fernandez, Lascelles, Schar, Rose (Lazaro 75), Hayden (S Longstaff 79), Saint-Maximin (Yedlin 74), Almiron (Joelinton 65), Carroll (Gayle 64) 
Official attendance in wor hoose: 2 *** Me, mee doggy and a bottle of DOG!)


Saturday 27 June 2020


Posted '5:00pm bells' Saturday 27th Joon 2020


Tomorrow at '6:30pm bells' we play in the FA Cup qwaataa finals for the forst time in 14 years v Man City, with the 'carrot' of a possible Wembley 'double' in the semi final and Final, shud we win!

Normally the adrenalin would be flowin' through mee vains, but the though of havin' to watch the game in mee livin' room with just me and mee little doggy and a bottle of 'DOG' for company, instead of 52,000 fellow fans at SJP, barely 2 miles away from wor hoose, fills me with disappear, instead of joy!

Indeed, if they switch the floodlights on at some point I will be able to see the glow of the lights from mee back livin room window against the sky!

Of course there wont be 52,000 plus present, instead just 300 or so players, staff, jernoz and TV crewz will be scattered aboot the pitch and The Milburn Stand, with anly the echos of the players voices, booncin' off the stadium waalls and roof az the action on the pitch unfolds! (Unless aa switch the 'fake crowd noise' on!)(NEE chance!) 
And aall in the belief that TV money(££££££££££££) iz more important than peoples lives? (anothaa 100 or so deaths today from 'the bat out of hell' virus, which haz now claimed ower 43,000 UK citizens in total!)

And az for a trip to Wembley for the semis IF we win?---the nearest aa will get, iz a boozer somewhere in 'The Toon' 280 miles away from London, az they will be reopened by then! (Next Saturday actually!)

And can anybody ever imagine an FA Cup final bein played in a virtually empty 90,000 seater stadium, with just plastic red seats az a backdrop!???  (I'm havin recurrin' nightmares aboot the possibility of that, az well!)

A'v said it before, and aa'll say it again! 

PS: We know that some fans who aalways watch wor games on TV will disagree with wor sentiments, but any diehard fans who hadn't missed eethaa home games or home AND away games for years, will surely agree that to play games in soulless concrete bowls iz a tragedy , to say the least!

A Geordie Times match report will appear here on Munday neet!--one day late!--but this IZ The Geordie Times--wot did yoo expect???

Friday 26 June 2020


Posted '10:00pm bells' Friday 26th Joon 2020

After 13 lang torturous weeks (that's a qwaataa of one year!) we are STILL waitin for The Premyaa Leegue's cheef exec Richard Masters to pass or fail the PIF Saudi group in the fit and propaa owners test!

How much LANGER have the Geordie faithful got to wait for an answer?---one way or the othaa!
Its unreal that this decision has still not been made aftaa aall this time!

It's time to get your finger oot 'Masters' and give us a decision, before we aall die of old age!💀

Thursday 25 June 2020


Posted '9:45pm bells' Thorsday 25th Joon 2020


Again, aa heeded for grandbairns Zac and Kai's hoose to watch the game on BT (coz aa divvint have it!)

A dire 1st half from us in an empty stadium resulted in a goal less scoreline at the break!----and we were lucky, az Villa had a couple of chances, which they thankfully 'fluffed'

The 2nd half woz a bit better and we took the lead through Dwight Gayle before we scored?---Let me explain! Craig (wor lasses son) got a message alert on hiz phone that Gayle had scored!
"Its still nil-nil" aa said az aa pointed to the score in the top coner of the screen!  
30 seconds later Gayle got a pass from Andy Carroll and sure enough, he buried it into the back of the Villa net at 'The Gallowgate End'! (the 'live' game woz in fact at least a minute behind the play on the pitch!---alledgedly!)
A completely 'flat' goal celebration followed from me because of this!

Craig then said that Lascelles had been booked, even though the baall woz nee where near him at the time! 
BUT!--sure enough some 40 odd seconds later, he woz indeed booked for a foul on a Villa attacker!

Craig then put the phone to one side so we couldn't be distracted again, and 'shock, horror', 'The Hazbeenz' equalised through ex mackem player Elmohamady just 7 minutes from time after a mix up from a corner by Almiron, Shelvey and Toon goalie Dubravka!

It ended 1-1 and I have to say I woz totally underwhelmed by wor performance and the 'live' telly coverage!

Honestly, aa hated watchin' it with the fake crowd noise and the empty seats covered with various banners, like 'HOWAY THE LADS' etc! (I would have preferred to not have the crowd noise, but it wasn't my telly or hoose, woz it?)

Mee 2nd 'NUFC tellyhoppers' game in a row!----with unfortunately many (many!) more to follow!

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Fernandez, Lascelles, Rose, Hayden (Bentaleb 86), Shelvey, Ritchie (Gayle 67), Saint-Maximin, Joelinton (Carroll 64), Almiron (Lazaro 86)

Official attendance: 2 (Just meesel and Craig) (The grandbairns played on their X boxes in their bedrooms!) *Wise move!


Posted '2:00pm bells' Thorsday 25th Joon 2020

A 'Tellyhoppers' match report will appear here later tooneet!
Better late than never!
This is The Geordie Times after aall!🤪

Tuesday 23 June 2020


Posted '7:00pm bells' Tuesday 23rd Joon 2020

Anothaa home game, the 2nd in 4 days will take place at '6:00 bells' when we take on relegation threatened Villa at an empty SJP!

Again aa will be telly and chair-hopping at grandbairns Zac and Kai's hoose, az aa divvint have Sky or BT! (Never got it, coz aa woz aalways at NUFC televised games anyway!)

Normally aa would take a days holiday from work and 'gan on the hoy' before gannin to the game! (But with both pubs and groonds no go, there's not much point---iz there!?)

But theeze are strange times indeed and mee shifts at work have changed from nights to days coz there isnt enough work for both shifts at the moment, coz of 'the bat out of hell' virus!
I should be back from Redditch on 'mee truck run' from the Team Valley in Gatesheed, in time for the teatime kick off!?

Let's hope we put anothaa nail in 'The Hazbeenz and Villians' relegation coffin, az they 'took the piss' oot of us in 2009 and 2016 when we were relegated at their place twice!
(See top banner hung from The Holte End in those dark days!)

Aalso, let's hope we can make it a reeely black day for their fans watchin from their Midland homes!

A full 'tellyhoppers'  match report will appear here in due course!

Sunday 21 June 2020


Posted '9:00pm bells' Sunday 21st Joon 2020


A game we couldn't gan tee and dreaded, torned oot to be one of wor best performances of the season as we bolstered wor goal tally by 3!

With nee possible way of gettin in, we were resigned to watchin it on 'the box' and so it 'came to pass' that aa heeded for grandbairns Zac and Kai's hoose to watch it on mammy and daddy's big screen in their livin room!

A few bottles of DOG were chilled in the fridge and by the time the first bottle woz poured oot the game had started az the the players shouts echoed aroond the empty stadium!

Crowd noise woz added, but it didnt seem real az fans in seats were replaced by banners!

Joelinton scuffed an easy chance at the midpoint of the half at The Leazes End and the teams went in scoreless at the break with The Toon edging it!

The turning point in the game came in the 50th minute when Sheff U defender John Egon grabbed Joelinton az he raced past the halfway line!
The ref immediately reached for hiz red card and the defender woz dismissed for not obeying the social distancing rules!(or woz it coz 'Joe' woz clean through?)

Anyway!---soon after this Saint-Maximin scored at The Gallowgate End when a cross woz missed by one of their back 4 and The Saint had the relatively easy chance to slot the baall into the back of the net for the opening goal! (Wor forst at home for ower 300 minutes!)

A few minutes later Matt Richie hit a pile driver from 20 yards oot to double wor lead!

The icing on the cake came not lang after when Joelinton scored his first ever home goal in the Premyaa Leegue to secure the 3 points and wot looks like relative safety of 38 points and a climb up 2 places in the table to 12th place and (more importantly!) 11 points above the drop zone!

The telly commentator then spoke theeze immoral words az the ref blew for full time:
"They'll be dancing round their televisions on Tyneside, as they are in quaranTOON!" ("sic!") 

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Fernandez, Lascelles, Rose, Hayden, Shelvey (Schar 85), Ritchie (Yedlin 92), Saint-Maximin (Bentaleb 79), Almiron (Lazaro 85), Joelinton (Carroll 79)

Offical attendance: 9 in the livin room, includin me takin the picture!

Like aa say, it woz weird watchin it on the telly for the first time this century and 1,201 games without missing!

Of course aa wasnt the anly one to miss the game az many of the loyal NUFC mad sad groundhoppers became mad sad chair-hoppers for the day at various locations aroond the UK and Ireland!

And we reproduce below some of the many photos of cans, bottles and chairs that Toon fans sat in for today's game!








And there will be many more of these 'sessions' in the comin weeks, with 9 more games at least still to be played behind closed doors!


Posted '1:33am bells' Saturday 6th Joon 2020
Re-posted and updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 21st Joon 2020

It is with a very heavy heart that 'The Geordie Times' reproduces the behind closed doors fixtures for Joon and the start of July!
Aa say 'very heavy heart' as this is because that many, many, Toon fans havvint missed a game for years!

In my case it will be the forst competitive game home or away, including Europe that a'v missed this century, which totals up at 963 games! (Aye!-- a'v counted them up!)

Az for home games alone, the Sheffeeld United game on Sunday 22nd Joon, will be the forst home game a'v missed for many a year and anly the 5th home game missed since 1967 (includin' friendlies) when aa woz 12 years old!---53 years ago! 

Aalso, wor FA Cup qwaataa final tie at home Man City on Sunday 28th Joon at '6:00 bells, will be the forst home cup tie of any description that a'v missed in 54 years! (FA Cup, Leegue Cup and European ties) 

And with a forthaa 4 home games after theeze and 4 away, this will meen in total that 10 games in a row will be missed at the very -least!---a tragedy for aall Toon diehards!

Aa aalways knew that one day mee 'run' would come to an end and the 'chain would be broken', eethaa through ill health, unforeseen family circumstances, or indeed the day aa leave this planet for 'level 7 heaven' up in the sky! (az opposed to 'level 7 heaven' up in 'The Milburn Stand'!) BUT! aa never EVER would have believed that a 'bat out of hell' virus from the othaa side of the world in Chinaa, would prevent me from gannin to watch an NUFC game!---NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS! 

Mee consecutive games record in total iz 1,201, which will now come to an abrupt end today, at '2:00pm bells' precisely!😬 
The forst time in wor 128 year existence that we will have had to play a game withoot fans present!--

Like aa say, aam not the anly one, 'Glennn from Ashington' hazzint missed a competitive game in the UK since 1986 and 'Big Al' (not the sheet metal workers son!) hazzint missed a game anywhere, includin Europe since 1991!

There are quite a few more az well, who aa see at every away game, but don't know their names, just their faces!

Of course loyal fans of othaa clubs who have to play BCD are in the same boat as well!

Aa honestly beleeeve that if it isn't safe for fans to gan to games, then it isnt safe for players eethaa!
There is a 50/50 split amongst fans, whether games shud be played  behind closed doors, or NOT!
(They shud have waited til the virus woz beaten and then resumed this season then---pushin back next season to start in the new year!, or whenever!)

And just where will aa watch it?  Whey in grandbairns Zac and Kai's hoose, where mammy and daddy have got a big screen in their livin' room!
A few bottles of 'DOG' will be consumed az well, for medicinal purposes of course, to calm mee norves!
A full Geordie Times 'tellyhoppers' report will appear here later!
AZ per usual, "Watch this space!"

Toon games annoonced so far!  
Sun 21st Joon: Sheffeeeld United---SJP---'2:00bells'---Sky

Wed 24th Joon: The Hazbeenz and Villains--SJP--6:00bells'--BT

Sun 28th Joon: The Blue Moonies--FA Cup--SJP--'6:00bells'--BBC

Wed 1st July: Bournemoooth--Vitality Stadium--'6:00bells'--Sky

Sun 5th July: The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham--SJP--'2:00bells' Sky

Wed 8th July: The Blue Moonies--Emptyaid Stadium (Well it WILL be empty!)--'6:00 bells' BT

Sat 11th July: Wotfaad--Vicarage Road--'12:30 bells' Amazon

To be conformed: Sporz (SJP), Nee Where Near Brightin (AMEX Stadium), The Liverbirds (SJP) 

Aall fixtures (so far!)

It's been on the BBC news that 42,000 in total, have now lost their lives in the UK alone, with anothaa 150 lost in the last day!---and still The Premyaa Leegue want to play on, just for the TV money! (Of course!)

RIP to each and every one of those poor souls who have lost their lives to the 'bat out of hell's virus!

Friday 19 June 2020


Posted '11:20am bells' Saturday 20th Joon 2020

Anyone watchin the NUFCs 'live' game on the telly on Sunday, be warned!
Yoo will NOT be watchin' a live game az there will be a delay of between 5 and 90 seconds!
This is to stop any f*****' bad language from players or backroom staff alike, (which yoo will be able to hear in an empty stadium) which will be edited oot, before yoo hear it in your livin' room!

And farcically, any 'fan screens' in the groond that celebrate a goal, will be miles oot of synchronisation with the actual goal!----Anything from 5 to 90 seconds, accordin' to reports!

Canned crowd noise, cardboard cutoot fans and favourite chants will be broadcast, makin it like a reality TV game show!
(Wot next, clowns and circus acts?)

We shall soon find oot tomorrow afternooon at '2:00 bells' when we take on 'The Blade-Runners of Sheffeeeld' at an empty St James' Park!


Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 19th Joon 2020
The reeel Raab!
"I'm telling yooo!
This deal must gey throoogh!"

Iz THIS the day we finally find oot the outcome of the takeower???

Raab, 'The Secretary of State', haz said that the UK needs investment from places like Saudi Arabia, which puts just a little bit pressure on The Premyaa Leegue to finally give the 'green light'!

Anothaa 'Raab'!

They MUST give a decision soon, or else we'll aall gan mad!

Rest assured that 'The Geordie Times' will be the last with the breakin' news!

Wednesday 17 June 2020


Posted '7:00pm bells' Wedinzday 17th Joon 2020

Yet anothaa twist in the seemingly never ending NUFC takeower saga, iz that its reported that American billionaire Henry Mauriss has tabled a bid of $440,000,000 dollars, which is £350,000,000 quid!---Shud the Saudi PIF bid fail the 'test'-----'This is £50,000,000 above the asking price?   Which begs the question, why would he offer more than woz asked?

This story has been reported in several media outlets, but iz it yet anothaa 'ploy' to sell papers etc--- or a devious plan by wor current owner 'The Fat Controller' to get the Premyaa Leegue to "get their fingers oot" and make a decision, one way or the othaa on the PIF!?

Talkin of 'The Premyaa Leegue', the forst match behind closed doors is takin place at Villa Park, az we speak, where the 'Hazbeenz and Villians' are takin on 'The Bladerunners of Sheffeeeld'!

Not watchin, (not bothered) but Glennn from Ashington iz and says it's a load of crap playin with nee crowd!

The forst of 92 games with nee fans allowed!
And aall for "A few dollars more!" from the Telly giants, az the death toll rises by 184 in the last day!

You've got to get your priorities right---havvint yoo!?

Tuesday 16 June 2020


Posted '8:15am bells' near Ferrybridge power station A1 Tuesday 16th Joon 2020
Updated at Redditch '12:45pm bells'
Updated again after report woz published!

The World Trade Organisation (WTO) are due to give their report on the piracy issues today!

Hopefully there will be a positive answer to the Saudi takeower!
We will nervously keep you posted on any developments!

Az per usual "Watch this space!"

Just in WTO report
'3:00 pm bells'🙏

The report is a bit 'gobbaldy gook' and doesnt directly name NUFC or the potential takeower by the PIF group
It's a mammoth report and we make nee apology for not printing it!
The Saudis are named in the piracy, but it isnt clear exactly how that could effect where the takeower stands!

Anothaa delay while 'The Premyaa Leegue' try to make sense of the 125 page document!
(We can't!)

One day (before we all die, hopefully!) they will finally make a decision!

Some Twitter 'tweets' on the report below!

Monday 15 June 2020


Posted '4:30am bells' Munday 15th Joon 2020

News that UKTV have banned the Fawlty Towers episode, "DON'T MENTION THE WAR!", because of its racial overtones, reaches The Geordie Times!

When we went to Plymouth Argyle for a game in 2009, wor flight to Exeter from Toon airport woz grounded because the ash from a volcano which had erupted in Iceland drifted ower the British isles, which meant that we had to drive the 800 mile roond trip to Devon at the last moment! (It soonds unbeleeevible, but true!(

Fawlty Towers hotel woz based in Devon, which gave me the idea for the title to that classic story, which iz reprinted below!

055 home park plymouth 2010

(GROUND NUMBER: 55 ◄(been here before---got the tee shirt!)
Date of this visit: 19th APRIL 2010

NEWCASTLE UNITED 2 (Carroll, Routledge)

Attendance: 13,111 (2,431 Toon fans)


Because the trip to Plymouth was so far, we decided to fly instead and booked the flights through ‘Jet2’ to Exeter airport to avoid a 7 hour car/train/jorney for this ridiculous Monday neet 7:45 start, which was live on Sky (wor 18th ! live game of the season so far!)
We’d flown here for the FA Cup tie in January and it anly took an hour, so we were expectin’ a quick ‘hop’ to sunny Devon (wrang!)

The forst inklin’ aa got that anythin’ was wrang was when a bought a copy of the ‘Ronny-Gill’ on the Thorsday before the game and the front page heedline screeemed!-------“FLIGHTS BITE THE DUST!” , and the article went on to say that Toon Airport was closed coz of a volcanic eruption in Iceland?-----WOT! the hells gannin on aa thought?
Aa dashed yem and torned the telly on to ‘Look North’ where the gadgy who replaced Mike Neville gleefully telt us, (tryin’ not to smile too much!) that British airspace was closed and aall the airports were shut because volcanic ash from ----(deep breath!) Moont EYJAFFJALLAJOKEAULL! ◄(hope av spelt that reet?) in deepest Iceland was spewin’ moultin’ ash that was heedin’ wor way and this would damage jet engines and therefore groond aall planes and he smugly telt us that!--- “you arnt gannin anywhere!” (f***** Bar-steward!)

It was still 3 days before we were due to fly so aa wasn’t unduly conconed at this time----however!--- az the days dragged by and the ash spread sooth by the prevailin’ winds it was obvious that we would have to abandon wor plans and gan by car instead!

If yi were John Cleese writin’ the script for a ‘Fawlty Towers’ episode and yi made this story up aboot some Geordies unable to fly to Devon, because Moont EeeitsgottobesomekindoffuЖinjokelike◄(Geordie pronoonciation!) erupts a thoosand miles away in the Arctic Circle, neebody would surely believe that you could write sommik so farfetched ----would they? (not even Basil!)


To hoy a spanner in the works, aa was due to gan to baby Jamie’s christenin’ at ‘one bells’ on the Sunday dinnertime and fly at ‘eight bells’, givin’ iz plenty of time to gan for a ‘gargel’ and some scran afterwards at the Tudor Rose and then heed for Toon Airport-----however! Because we now had to travel by road the lads decided to leave at dinnertime instead as we had a hotel booked in Exeter and they did’nt want to get there too late.

After frantic negotiations on the ‘tellin’ bone’, mee two travellin’ conpanions agreed to leave at three bells instead as they could see my predicament! (“cheers lads!”)


“Hic!---aa got christened ‘Jamie’ on the Sunday!--- Buurrrp!”
“And—hic!-- The Toon got ‘christened ‘Champions’ on the Monday!”

After getting’ dressed up ‘to the nines’ in mee ‘tin flute’ and black ‘n’ white striped tie at ‘12 bells’, it was soon time to heed for the packed church with wor lass for baby Jamie’s christenin’ where proud parents Julie (wor lass’s dawta) and hor 6 foot 2 ‘bigger half’ Steven, took him to the font where he was baptized by the vicar with the holy waata, and the whole ceremony includin’ the blessin’ and hymns etc , surprisingly took less than half an hour from start to finish.
It was then off to the buffet reception at The Tudor Rose, which is handily placed, just roond the corner from where aa live, before ‘sneakin’ off’ at two thorty to get changed into mee futbaall gear and grabbin’ mee owerneet bag in a mad dash for the ‘three bells’ departure to deepest Devon

‘Big Al’ (not! wor record goal scorer!) and ‘The Caped Crusader’ (aye!---that one!) then torned up at mee front door bang on time in a light grey Honda Civic car and the relief was ‘intangible’◄(haven’t got a clue wot it means!?---but it soonds good!)
This was because it wasn’t a ‘jinxed’ RED colour like ‘Sarnie Steve’s’, that broke doon on the way to Swansea (see ground 274 ‘disaster’ report!)

Some considerable time later!, (havin’ read the print off 3 Sunday papers!) we eventually arrived at ‘The Great Western Hotel’ (‘Fawlty Towers’ was full!) which is next to Exeter St Davids train station at ‘half nine’ and the *eastern European hotel receptionist telt us in (very!) broken English that the best place to park was in the train station car park.
At 9 quid a day it wasn’t cheap and as we were here for two neets that was an extra 18 quid we didn’t expect!
*(“Er!”---usin’ my vast knowledge of European languages, aa worked oot that the receptionist was (probably!) ‘Polish’?) (that’s wot shih telt iz, anyway!)

Havin’ parked the car and dumped wor bags in the hotel in was time to gan on the hoy with the little drinkin’ time we had left, and after a swift couple of ‘gargles’ in the hotel bar we heeded ower the road to Shamus O’Donnell’s (an Irish bar would you believe!) but after a quick ‘neb’ through the window we could see that apart from the gadgie behind the coonta there was nebody else inside!

After protracted discussion amongst worsels (aboot 3 seconds!) we decided to heed for the anly other boozer that we could see called The Jolly Porter where John Smith’s and Guinness liquid refreshments were on the ‘menu’
It was a bit more lively than doon the road as the locals torned oot to be a set of west country plonkies who were shoutin’ and baallin’ at the top of their voices for ne apparent reason? (strange folk---theeze yokels!)

WE were clammin’ by this time but there was nowt open apart from a burger bar opposite the station car park caalled ‘Peeps’, which, as we foond oot, was run by a Bulgarian asylum seeker! (whey!—a’m asumin’ he was an asylum seeker?)
So wor ‘evenin’ meal’ consisted of a qwaata poonder cheese borger with onions and a FREE cup of tea which was part of the deal! (wow!)

After this we heeded back to the ‘Great Western’ which was the anly place left open by this time to catch the back end of ‘Match of the Day’, and of course ‘catch’ a couple of more ‘Arthur Scargills’ before retirin’ for the neet-----“ZZZZzzzz!!!!”


A west country ‘Drovers Brekky’ was the order of the day for wor next mornin’ ‘feed’in the hotel restaurant (Er!—that’s: bacon, egg, sausage, beans and hash broons to aall ye ignoramanouseses!) before ‘feedin’ the parkin’ meter as well! with another nine poond coin’s!
It was then time to let the train take the strain for the 50 or so mile jorney to Plymouth which took us the scenic route alang the Devon coastline in the glorious sunshine as it rolled alang at snails pace.

On arrival in Plymith we heeded for ‘The Ho’ on the seafront as there were a canny few drinkin’ dens’ in that part of toon. On the way we past a huge statue of a bearded gadgie lookin’ oot to sea with wot looked like a futbaall in one hand. He was dressed in a pair of bloomers that yi great granny might have worn, but just who the hell he was is anybody’s guess??? (my guess is!---he was probably a famous Argyle centre forward from the late nineteenth century???)

‘Tonsil ticklin’ time’ was upon us once again and the Navy Inn was (appropriately!) wor forst ‘port ‘o’ call’ as we sat on the bar’s terrace, suppin’ wor ice caad ‘liquid refreshments’, as the old ‘current bun’ shon doon upon us! (this is the life!)

Then it was off to ‘The Dolphin’ next door and (the invertible!) ‘Wetherspoons’ which completed the ‘triagle’ of ‘drinkin’ dens’.
In ‘The Dolphin’ there were two drunken cockneys who started taalkin’ to us.
“I follow the best team in Landan!” one of them said, and we procceded to guess the team he was on aboot, gannin’ through nearly aall of them (but not namin’ his!) before he blurted oot that it was!----“MILLWALL!”

It torned oot he was an ex boxer (well! he would be---would’nt he?) and he’d actually fought at a boxin’ club in Waallsend some years ago (judgin’ by his ’three spare tyres physique’, it definateleee was ‘some years ago’!)
We said wor goodbyes (withoot gettin’ a smack in the gob!) and heeded for a waaterin’ hole nearer the groond and foond one which was oot the way caalled ‘The Stoke’ which was threeqwaatas empty-----ideal for getting’ sorved quickly!

However!---wor ‘peace and quiet’ was soon shattered when some teenybopper Toon fans came in and put some ‘hip-hop’ crap on the duke box, which was played at ‘full blast’
This is the kind of ‘music’◄((double inverted commers!)) we cannit f*****’ stand as we are gettin’ on a bit! (thorty five at ther last coont!) (give me The Beatles or Stones any day!)----so! it was soon time to mek ‘A Sharp’ exit and heed for pastures new----namely ‘The Bus Club’ aboot half a mile away. (next to the bus station---would you believe?)
This was wor ‘last liquid lubrication location’ where we bumped into ‘Sarnie Steve’ and Mal from Darlo’ amongst others, before heedin’ for the main event of the day----THE MATCH!

There was a carnival atmosphere in The Toon end as kick off time approached as anly a point was needed to guarantee the Championship trophy, although in truth we’d aaready won it by the virtue of a far superior goal difference to second placed West Brom.
Considerin’ that Argyle were at the other end of the table in exactly the opposite situation to us and that relegation was a mere formality for them, it was a really magnanamous gesture from their fans to carry a banner from the half way line towards the end we were in which read: “’CONGRATULATIONS FROM THE GREEN ARMY’, this brought loud applause from wor fans and it was really appreciated.

The game kicked off and from the start ‘The Toon’ went for the ‘jugular’, gannin close on several occasions with the deadlock bein’ broken in the 20th minute when Danny Guthrie took a corner at the far end from us, which was inch perfect for Andy Carroll’s heed and the taall fella gleefully took the opportunity to power the baall into the unguarded net, to put us one nowt up.

Just 8 minutes later and it was ‘game ower’ and ‘Championship won’ when Joey Barton slotted a through baall to Wayne Routledge and he stabbed it in from a tight angle past the Argyle keeper to double wor lead.

The home side did apply some pressure after this but it was aall in vain as they couldn’t convort their chances and we went in with a 2 goal cushion at the break.

The second half was a case of gannin through the motions and The Toon fans really rubbed it in with chants of : “We’re goin’ to Liverpool!---you’re goin’ to Hartlepool!”, which was a bit unkind considerin’ the welcome they had given us at the start, but that’s futbaall fans for you!

Late sub Leon Best hit the bar and missed an open goal near the end, but it made ne odds as The Toon Army prepared for the 100% certain pitch invasion, as they moved towards the pitch side in preparation for the final whistle

The norvous soondin’ match anooncer pleaded with The Toon fans to stay off the pitch, but this is rather like tellin’ us to sit doon (with the ‘inevitable’ reply of: “Stand up if yi luv The Toon!”)
So! to tell fans not to invade the pitch at the end is (inevitably!) like wavin’ a red mackem flag to a ‘Gremlin’!
“If Shola scores—we’re on the pitch!”, the Toon fans screamed with (“er!”) inevitable results, as the ref put the whistle to his lips for the last time!
(he didn’t score of course , but that made ne difference!)

The playin’ area soon became a wash of black ‘n’ white as the loudspeakers boomed oot: ‘We are the Champions’---‘The Blaydon Races’ and ‘Local Hero’ which was anotha magnanimous gesture from wor hosts---(the best av seen in six decades of travellin’ away!) (am aa reelleee anly thorty five?)
(“Here’s hopin’ yi bounce back in one go, lads!”)

After match we heeded for the toon centre where we ended up in a dodgy lookin’ bar called ‘The Eagle’ whose ‘clientele’? looked like a mixture of plonkies, druggies and dole wallas!
So!, after a swift ‘gargel’ (and withoot gettin’ mugged!) we made for ‘The Union Rooms’ near the train station which was chocker block with celebratin’ Toon fans, before caallin’ ‘time’ and heedin’ back to Exeter.


We left the hotel for the lang jorney yem at preciseleee 9:45 bells but we didn’t get very far before wor forst hold up, when a young lassie aged aboot 18 crashed hor Nissan Micra into the back of a bin lorry that was waitin’ at some traffic lights!
Hor car’s heedlights and bonnet were imbedded into the back of the rubbish crusher (good job it wasn’t workin’ at the time!---eh!?) and the lorry driver was shakin’ his heed in disbelief as he surveyed the damage!

Once past that little hold up it was plane sailin’! (nee pun intended!) up the (deep breath!) A38---M5 (where we passed the ‘Toon’ team bus!)---M42---3 Horse Shoes, Breedon, (a ‘half way there’ ‘liquid lubrication stop’!)---M1 (passin’ the team bus again?)---M18---A1(M)---A1---A“ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!”

Five and a half hours after getting’ yem from wor 818 mile roond the world road marathon, aa switched on the late news from Loook North .
That gadgie who replaced Mike Neville was readin’ the news again and he telt us with a ‘Gordon Brown style’ half smile on his face, that the ash cloud from Moont ‘yee naa wot!’◄ (mee‘spell cheka’s ‘crashed’!) had disappeared and aall flights from British airspace could now resume immediately!

He would say that!---wouldn’t he!-----“THE B*****D!!!”

© Fink ™ (the mad-sad gro☺undho☺pper!)

Sunday 14 June 2020


Posted '1:03pm bells' Sunday 14th Joon 2020

Wor 'little sister ' paper 'The Sunday Times' reports that there iz a plan to let fans back into groonds next season through coronavirus tests!

Lets hope that the story below iz TRUE!---We aall miss futbaall SO MUCH!


Colonel Gadaffi (He looks like him!): "That would be a nightmare!
Two hours to get through!
It's a NO! NO!"

Glennn from Ashington: "Seems a bit far fetched for me!"

Dave from York: "I read it! But I doubt it will happen! 
Too complicated for most folk!"

Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer: "Saw another yesterday that they were thinkin' of lettin' 10% of capacity into grounds!"