Friday 27 June 2014

ARMOUR-RAMA!

Posted '1:37pm bells' Friday 27th Joon 2014
THE TOON UNVEIL THEIR NEW KIT FOR THE LIVERPOOL GAME!
(NOTE THE EXTRA SHOULDER PADDING!)

News that Luis Suarez iz banned from aall futbaall for fower months makes worryin' readin' for Toon players!

For hiz Premyaa Leegue comeback for 'The Liverbirds' after hiz record ban for 'havin an Italian', iz against (would yoo believe it!?) US!

The panic stricken NUFC hierarchy have aalready contacted 'The Keep' at the 'new' castle (below) to see if they can borrow any 'bite proof' armour on display, for the game @ St James' on the forst of November! 

Thursday 26 June 2014

TOON ON TELLY! *** "ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"

Updated '12:45pm bells' Thorsday 26th Joon 2014

"NIGHT GOGGLES AT THE READY!"

The good news iz that The Toon's two games in New Zealand are to be shown on telly by BT Sport!

The bad news however iz that the forst one iz at '8:30 AM bells' on Tuesday 22nd July against Sydney and the second one iz even worse az it kicks off at '4:30 AM bells' on Saturday 26th July!

"Black coffee and night goggles at the ready!" ***"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"

PS: news reaches us that wor two games in Jawmany on the 2nd and 3rd of August are aalso to be shown live by the Jawman tv channel 'Sports 1 TV' <(ne news yet of any UK broadcaster takin' these games!?


Monday 23 June 2014

GEORDIETIMES QUIZ ANSWERS

Posted '2:11pm bells' Monday 23rd Joon 2014

We asked yoo two questions yesterday aboot The Toon's placin' in the aall time aggregate attendance list:

We asked yoo: " Which position in the top ten list are we!?"

The answer izzzzz!:
NUFC ARE IN 4th POSITION IN THE AALL TIME LIST!

We aalso asked yoo: "To guess just how many fans had been through the St James' park tornestiles since we joined the leegue 121 years ago in 1893!?"

The answer izzzz!:
70 MILLION PLUS!

The top ten aall time list up until the end of last season:

1 Man U *** 85,592,912
2 Liverpool *** 74,974,359
3 Arsenal *** 71,845,308
4 THE TOON! *** 70,379,044
5 Everton *** 70,300,863
6 Man C *** 65,612,949
7 Sporz *** 65,013,900
8 Villa *** 64,094,648
9 Chelski *** 63,708,425
10 SMBs *** 58,062,481

Sunday 22 June 2014

GEORDIE TIMES QUIZ

Posted '12:42pm bells' Sunday 22nd Joon 2014

Question: In the aall time top ten Futbaall Leegue/ Premyaa Leegue list, where do NUFC stand in the aggregate attendance leegue?

IZ IT!: IN 3rd POSITION? ***
4th POSITION?? ***
7th POSITION??? *** OR!
10th POSITION????

Aalso wot are wor aggregate aall time Leegue attendances since we joined the Futbaall Leegue in 1893?

IZ IT!: 50,000,000 (50 million) PLUS? *** 60,000,000 PLUS?? ***
70,000,000 PLUS??? *** OR! ***
80,000,000 PLUS???? 

The answers will appear here tomorrow sometime!
"WATCH THIS SPACE TO FIND OOT IF YOO ARE REET!"

NUFC FIXTURES 2014-2015 *** "BLUE MOON IN TOON!"

Updated '9:33am bells' Sunday 22nd Joon 2014

The Premyaa Leegue fix are oot for the new season and wor forst game like last season iz against champs 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland!
Unlike last season however, we are at home to them this time (we were away last season!)

Then we must travel to Bormingham a week later to face 'The Hazbeenz & Villians' and sample the delights of 'The Geordie Times away pub of the year', which iz 'The Wellington' not far from New Street Train Station!

A Leegue Cup tie iz then 'sandwiched in', against az yet unknown opponents or venue

The Crystal Balls then complete wor August fixtures when they visit St James' at the end of the month!

Wor langest two away trips will take place in September and October when we vist Sooothampton and Swanzee respectiveleee!


Then! fast forward to Xmas time where we will have some 'festive fun'? when we play the SMBs @ 'The SOS' 5 days before Santa comes doon the chimney and we are away to The Manc Muppets on Boxin' Day

New Years Days see's us at home to newly promoted Bornley, while wor retorn against the SMBs takes place at the start of April.
We end the season with a home game against 'The Jellied Eels Mob' on Sunday May 24th!

Ne doubt that there will be a canny few of them changed for live telly etc!

KEY:
Home games in gold
Away games in pink

AUGUST 2014

Sat 16th *** The Blue Moonies @ St James' @ '3 bells' <(bet it's not!)

Sat 23rd *** The Hazbeenz & Villians @ Villa Park @ '3 bells'

W/C 25th ***  Leegue Cup 2nd roond (draw on 13th or 14th Aug)

Sat 30th *** The Crystal Balls @ St James' @ '3 bells'

SEPTEMBER 2014

Sat 13th *** Sooothampton @ St Mary's @ '3 bells'

Sat 20th *** Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys @ St James' @ '3 bells'

W/C 22nd *** Leegue Cup 3rd roond <(if we get that far!?)

Sat 27th *** The P*ss Potters @ The Brit Stadium @ '3 bells'

OCTOBER 2014

Sat 4th *** Swanzee @ Liberty Stadium @ '3 bells'

Sat 18th *** Lestaa @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 25th *** Sporz @ White Hart Lane @ '3 bells'

NOVEMBER 2014

Sat 1st *** The Liverbirds @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 8th *** The Baggie Troosers @ The Hawthorns @ '3 bells'

Sat 22nd *** Shepherd's Bush Rag & Bone Men @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 29th *** The Jellied Eels Mob @ Upton Park @ '3 bells'

DECEMBER 2014

Tue 2nd *** Bornley @ Turf Moor @ '7:45 bells'

Sat 6th *** Chelski OAPs @ St James' @ '3:00 bells'

Sat 13th *** The Arse @ The 'Em' @ '3 bells'

Sat 20th *** The SMBs @ St James' @ '3 bells' <(aa'll bet yoo anything yoo like that this will be changed!)

'Boxin' Day' Fri 26th *** The Manc Muppets @ The Theatre of Muppets @ '3 bells'

Sun 28th The Toffee Noses @ St James' @ '3 bells'

JANUARY 2015

'New Years Day' Thu 1st *** Bornley @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat/Sun 3rd/4th Jan *** FA Cup 3rd roond

Sat 10th *** Chelski OAPs @ Stamford Bridge @ '3 bells'

Sat 17th *** Sooothampton @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 24th or Sun 25th *** FA Cup 4th roond <(If we get that far!?) 

Sat 31st *** Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys @ KC Stadium @ '3 bells'

FEBRUARY 2015

Sat 7th *** The P*ss Potters @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Tue 10th *** The Crystal Balls @ Selhurst Park @ '7:45 or 8 bells'?

Sat 21st *** The Blue Moonies @ City of Manc Stadium @ '3 bells'

Sat 28th *** The Hazbeenz & Villians @ St James' @ '3 bells'

MARCH 2015

Wed 4th *** The Manc Muppets @ St James' @ '7:45 bells'

Sat 14th *** The Toffee Noses @ Goodison Park @ '3 bells'

Sat 21st *** The Arse @ St James' @ '3 bells'

APRIL 2015

Sat 4th *** The SMBs @ The Stadium of SSHhhh! ("Ye Na Wot!?") @ '3 bells' <(bet it's not!)

Sat 11th *** The Liverbirds @ Anfield @ '3 bells'

Sat 18th *** Sporz @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 25th *** Swanzee @ St James' @ '3 bells'

MAY 2015

Sat 2nd *** Lestaa @ The Waalkers Stadium <(It's original name) @ '3 bells'

Sat 9th *** The Baggie Troosers @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 16th *** Shepherd's Bush Rag & Bone Men @ Loftus Road @ '3 bells'

And finaleee!
Sun 24th *** The Jellied eels Mob @ St James' @ '3 bells' <(date and time 'cast in stone'!)




Saturday 21 June 2014

"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!?" *** "I KNOW NOTHING!"

Posted '1:30pm bells' Saturday 21st Joon <(the langest day of the year!) 2014
"WHY DID 'THE TOON' UNDER PERFORM LAST SEASON!?"
"THE WORLD CUP'S TO BLAME!---I KNOW NOTHING!"

Wor manager haz been spoutin' off again aboot wor poor finish to the 2nd half of last season.
Accordin' to him the reason waz!-----"Players in contention for World Cup duty were distracted from the 'league scene' and under performed because of this!"
We have a grand total of just FOWER (4) players on World Cup duty by the way!  Namely---Tim Krul for Holland, Cheik Tiote for the Ivory Coast and Mathieu Debuchy and 'The Sissoko Kid' for France! 
Honestly the excuses comin from hiz gob get weirder and weirder!

The season before last we "under performed" because we had a load of European games to contend with and now it's the World Cup to blame!

Az there are ne International competitions next summer and NUFC arnt in Europe, wot excuse will he come up with NEXT summer???

And az for 'Ing-er-land's disasterous perfomances in Brazil, Greg Dyke says that az a "non Football person", "he knows nothing about football", and let "Football people" decide on Roy Hodgson's fate! <(he stays!)

Greg Dyke---lest we forget?--- is CHAIRMAN of the FA!
Which begs the question---if he openly admits that he is a "non football person", then wot the hells he dein there in the forst place!???

Friday 20 June 2014

"ING-ER-LAND EXPECTED! *** AND GOT EXACTLY WOT WAZ EXPECTED!!!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 20th Joon 2014

"SUAREZ 'CHEWS' ING-ER-LAND!"

IT'S A 'NO BRAINER'!
"I WISH MY INDEX FINGER WAS A GUN!"


ING-ER-LAND 1   URUGUAY 2

Last Saturday before Ing-er-land's forst game in the World Cup 'The Geordie Times' told yoo that they had az much chance of winnin the World Cup az 'The Toon' had of winnin the Premyaa Leegue!
This prediction came back to 'bite em' last neet az they imploded against Uruguay, az a Luis Suarez 'double' 'chewed' Ing-er-land up' (sic!) and consigned them to a 2nd defeat and aalmost certain elimination from the tournament after less than FIVE DAYS!

'Luckily'? for me aa anly had to listen to Chris Waddle's 'mackem twaddle' and Alan Green's 'rants' on the radio az aa drove doon to Bormingham in mee truck and didn't have to watch this garbage on the telly, az 20 million other 'sufferers' did, throughoot the nation!  

("NOT many 'Ing-er-land' flags flyin' in wor street today!---like!) 

Thursday 19 June 2014

"ING-ER-LAND EXPECTS!" *** PART TWO

Posted '2:15pm bells' Thorsday 19th Joon 2014

Ing-er-land's 2nd game of The World Cup against Uruguay teks place at '8 bells' toneet in Sao Paulo, with expectations at an aall time low after defeat against 'The I-ties' in the 1st game!
A win would probably see us qualify for the next stage---a draw would tek us to the last game against Costa Rica needin' a win and a defeat would see us back on the plane with aall the usual excuses comin' oot again <(just like NUFC de!)

We reely divint naa just wot will happen, but I will be glued to 'Taalk Sport' on mee truck radio on the M1,M6,M5 (or whatever!) az a drive doon to the Bormingham area once again toneet!

"ING-ER-LAND EXPECTS!---BUT WOT WILL WE GET!???"

"OH NO!" *** "FIXTURE CONTROVORSY *** AALREADY!"

Posted '12:52pm bells Thorsday 19th Joon 2014

The fixtures for the new season anly came oot yesterday and AALREADY there iz controvosy ower wor home game against 'The SMBs' on the day after 'Black Eye Friday' on December 20th!

Ne sooner had the ink dried on the fixture list then 'The Dibble' have decreed that this game will NOT take place at this time or date!

It's even made front page headlines in 'The Ronny Gill' and we naa for certain that it indeed WILL be moved, live telly or not!

This haz got us thinkin' at 'The Geordie Times'??? Just how many of wor games WILL be moved throughout the season???

We've decided to see if we can guess and for everyone we get reet we will 'award' worsels a 'goal'
For everyone we get wrang we will concede a 'goal'

For example: We think that wor forst game against 'The Blue Moonies' WILL be moved.
Wor 2nd game away to The Hazbeenz & Villians we think will stay at it's original date and kick off time.
If this iz so --- then we will be '2 goals up' --- If NOT (and we get it horribleee wrang!) then we will be '2 goals doon'

The 1st roond of TV schedulin' isn't due to be published til July and we will make wor predictions before then!

The question on everybody's lips <(or at least wors, anyway!) iz will we 'score' more goals than we concede by the end of the season???
Watch this space carefully to find oot!



Tuesday 17 June 2014

NUFC PREMYAA LEEGUE FIX OOT TOMORROW!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 17th Joon 2014 


Tomorrow iz a big day in 'The Geordie Times calender' az the Premyaa Leegue fixtures for the forthcomin' season are released.

There iz ne doubt that at least half of them will be moved for live telly and for othaa teams European commitments <(but NOT us of course!), so in a way it iz a waste of time publishin' the dates and kick off times! (For example---Last season, wor very forst game against 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland waz put back from the Saturday to the Monday neet for live telly!)

Nonetheless!---We will publish them az soon az they are released and they shud be on-line by 'high noon bells' at the soonest! <(remember!---we bring yoo aall the news forst hand, second!) < (Or iz it second hand, forst???)

"Watch this space! ---Watch this space!"  

Monday 16 June 2014

NUFC *** PRE SEASON FIXTURES 2014-2015 *** LATEST NEWS!

Updated '1:30pm bells' Monday 16th Joon 2014
"IZ THAT AN INDOOR SHOPPIN CENTRE!?"
VELTINS ARENA *** SCHALKE 04 FC


The latest fixtures to be added to the pre season friendlies list iz a resorve U21 away game against Barnsley on 4th August @ a venue to be conformed and wor U19s will be playin' in a tournament in Jawmany in late July 

NUFC 1st team games in GOLD
NUFC X1s in YELLOW <(games we think will be a mixture of 1st teamers and resorves)
NUFC Resorves/U21s in PINK
NUFC Juniors in GREEN

Tue 15th July *** ("Aa told him!")> Oldham @ Boundary Park @ '7:30 bells'

Fri 18th July *** 'The Heedbangers' of Gatesheed @ Gatesheed Stadium @ '7:30 bells'

Tue 22nd July *** Sydney FC @ Forsyth Barr Stadium, Dundedin, New Zealand (Sooth Island) @ '7:30 bells'

Sat 26th July *** Wellington Phoenix @ Westpac Stadium, Wellington, New Zealand (North Island) @ '4:30 bells'

Thu 24th July to Mon 28th July *** (U19s) Tournament of Spvgg Oberndorf, Jawmany 

Mon 28th July to Fri 1st Aug *** (U16s) Northern Ireland Milk Cup Tournament in Northern Ireland! <(believe it or not!?)

Mon 28th July *** Funabashi (Japan) @ Scroggy Road, Limavady @ '3:30 bells'

Tue 29th July *** Coonty Londonderry (N Ireland) @ Colraine Showgroonds, Colraine @ '8 bells'

Wed 30th July *** Espanyol (Spain) @ Seahaven, Portstewart @ '7 bells'

Shud we get that far, the semi finals and final take place on Thu 31st July and Fri 1st Aug 



Wed 30th July *** Sheff Wed <(who else on a 'Wednesday'!?) @ Hillsborough @ '7:45 bells'

Sat 2nd Aug *** Malaga (Spain) @ Veltins Arena, Gelsenkirchen, Jawmany @ '3:30 bells' (the home of Schalke 04)
('The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham play Schalke @ '5:30 bells'---same venue)

Sun 3rd Aug *** Schalke 04 @ Veltins Arena @ '5:30 bells'
('The Jellied Eels Mob' play Malaga @ '3:30 bells'---same venue)

Mon 4th Aug *** Barnsley U21s @ somewhere in Barnsley? '1:30 bells'

Tue 5th Aug *** 'uddersfield Toon @ McAlpine Stadium <(we aalways use the old name!), Huddersfield

Sun 10th Aug *** Real Sociedad @ St James' Park @ '1:30 bells'

Sat 16th Aug *** Premyaa Leegue season kicks off!

The excitin' news iz that 'The Geordie Times' will have reporters at EVERY forst team game includin' Jawmany and New Zealand!

'Little'? old me' will be in Jawmany and we are sendin' 'Liam from the Lamp' to New Zealand, where we are (very generously!) payin' for a huge percentage of hiz *8 flights-- "Er!"--9 flights! 'there and back' (and 60 hours in the air!), hotel accommodation, match tickets and food (and of course!)> drink!  *(this includes 2 internal flights between the 'North' and 'Sooth' Islands of New Zealand!)

The deal iz that 'Liam' will pay 99.99% of the estimated
£3,000 bill ******* AND! ******* 'The Geordie Times' will pay the rest! <(5 pence!) <(which we have aalready paid him in advance!!!) <(ne expense spared on wor part!)

Sunday 15 June 2014

THE GEORDIE TIMES GETS IT WRANG AGAIN!

Posted '11:20am bells' Sunday 15th Joon 2014




^ THE GEORDIE TIMES GETS IT WRANG! *** THE SUNDIH SUN GETS IT REET! ^

Just ower an hour ago 'The Geordie Times' posted that Ing-er-land had lost 2-1 to The 'I-ties'

Just bought the Sundih Sun and to my horror we got it wrang again!
We can anly apologise yet again for anothaa horrendous error in thinkin' that wor national team had lost! <(I blame the broon ale!)

Ing-er-land will now surely WIN the World Cup!

ING-ER-LAND 1 THE 'I-TIES' 2 *** THE BIG SLEEP! *** "ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!"

Posted '10:05am bells' Sunday 15th Joon 2014

Az predicted aa fell asleep in from of mee 'state of the art' wide screen telly ^(see above!)^ deep into the forst half, when the scores were level at 1-1!
Ing-er-land played better than wot aa thought they would up til then, but! the 'I-ties' aalways seemed to have the upper hand!

The equaliser from Daniel Sturridge two mins after The 'I-ties' had scored the forst goal through Marchisio, stirred me from my slumbers, but aa waz soon fast asleep again az the 'liquid refreshment' from the days session in the Toon took it's toll!

I awoke in the orly hours when the match waz finished, not knowin' the final score til this mornin' when the BBC news gave me the bad news that Balotelli had won the game for them!

The news aalso showed fans who had taken pix of their families az they watched from their livin' rooms and half of them were asleep!----just like me! <(although it haz to be said that most of them were pre-teenage kids!---well past their bed time!)

'The Big Sleep' continues on Thorsday neet when we take on Uruguay!---aa cannit wait! "ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"

Saturday 14 June 2014

ING-ER-LAND EXPECTS! ****** "ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"

Posted '9:40pm bells' Saturday 14th Joon 2014

MANAUS 'FRUITBALL STADIUM!

Ing-er-land are in action in the Brazilian jungle retreat of Manaus against 'The Spaghetties' of Italy @ '11 bells' toneet and wor prediction in a stadium that looks like some kind of giant tropical fruit, iz a borin' game which will send yoo 'fruity' and to sleep by 'the midnight hour!'

Reeely, they have az much chance of winnin' the World Cup az 'The Toon' have of winnin' the Premyaa Leegue next season!

We wish them well of course and we hope we are completleee wrang!----BUT!!!----"ZZZZZZzzzzzz!!!!"  

GEORDIE TIMES AWAY PUB(S) OF THE YEAR 2013-2014 WINNERS!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 14th Joon 2014

'THE GEORDIE TIMES' REEEL ALE PUB OF THE YEAR *** BUT WHERE IZ IT?



Here's the moment yiv aall been waitin' for!---'The Geordie Times' away 'reeel ale Pub' and 'best dive bar' awards for season 2013-2014!

The reeel ale pub of the year izzzzzz! (in revorse order!)

In thord place!

THE LOCOMOTIVE (Stoke)
A canny bar that we foond by chance aboot a 20 minute waalk from the groond. Propaa glasses and good beer at reasonable prices and the natives were friendly az well! <(not like normal Stoke fans!)
'THE LOCO' TROPHY ROOM!

In second place!

THE MALT SHOVEL (Hull)
A great little boozer on the main road to the groond, again aboot a 20 minute waalk to the groond. The bar iz stuffed with live tigers shud anyone start workin' their ticket!---Again the locals were friendly and the manager and hiz wife welcomed us to try their selection of reeel ales!



"AND THE WINNER IZZZZ!"---

THE WELLINGTON! (Villa & West Brom)
This bar iz tucked up a hill within a 5 minute waalk of Birmingham New Street rail station.
They have so many reeel ales on offer that they number them on a chalk board and yoo simply ask for a '69' or whatever! <(No! NOT that kind of '69'!)




An old style bar that seems to be gannin oot of existence these days, 'The Welly' iz immaculately clean and the beer iz 'immaculately caad'!


"AND IN COMPLETE CONTRAST!"

The 'Dive Bar' of the year award!

There waz ne competition in this category az the bar in question 'waz in a leegue of it's own'!

"AND THE WINNER IZZZZZ!"

THE CLOCK! (Everton & Liverpool)

The sheer depravity of this place takes some believin' az the 'aroma' of sweaty armpits and the 'spewy smells' from the 'designer' carpet squares on the floor 'hit yoo'! <(somebody must have 'hoyed up' the neet before!)
ON CLOSER INSPECTION THE CARPET SQUARES ARE STAPLED
(AND STUCK!) TO THE FLOOR TO STOP ANYBODY NICKIN' THEM!

Situated on a main road equidistant from both Goodison and Anfield (15 minutes) this 'dive' takes some beatin' and it iz highly recommended that yoo wear a 'stab-proof vest' if yoo change anythin' ower a fiver at the coontaa!

ENTRANCE TO THE 'SELECT' LOUNGE AREA OF THE BAR!
The locals are friendly enough <(IF yoo divvint look at them the 'wrang way'!) and yoo would have thought we had horns stickin' oot of wor heeds when we entered the bar az it fell deftly silent!

Friendly signs for customers tell yoo that 'Tommy Smith' is barred' <(we assume it's NOT hardman Tommy Smith who used to play for 'The Liverbirds'?) and the 'polite' sign in the stench filled 'tool-shed' for one of their 'regular customers' iz a GEM!
 
 

Friday 13 June 2014

THE GEORDIE TIMES AWAY PUB OF THE YEAR AWARDS 2013-2014! *** WINNERS TO BE ANNOONCED ON SATURDAY!

Updated '10:30pm bells' 'Friday the 13th!' Joon 2014

We've decided to de a 'pub of the year award' for the best Premyaa Leegue away pubs we visited last season:

THE RETRO BAR,  MANCHESTER
ONE OF THE NOMINATIONS FOR 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'
 AWAY PUB OF THE YEAR 2013-2014

There are two catagories: Best 'reeel ale pub' and best 'dive bar! "The nominations are!"----

The Cellar (Sooothampton)

The Crabtree (Fulham)

The Big Red (Arsenal)

The Malt Shovel (Hull)

The Irish Club (Sporz)

The Locomotive (Stoke)

The Overdraft (West Ham)

The Harvesters (Swanzee)

Canton Rugby Club Bar (Cardiff)

The Retro Bar (Man C & Man U)

The Wellington (Villa & West Brom) (Birmingham centre)

The Clock (Everton & Liverpool)

The William IV (SMBs) (Gatesheed High Street!) <(there waz ne way we were gannin for a gargle in mackemland!)

The Murderers Arms (Norwich)

The Railway Telegraph (Palace)

The William Morris (Chelski) (Hammersmith)

The winner will be annoonced sssometime next Saturday! <(aa bet yiz cannit wait for the result!?)





Thursday 12 June 2014

WORLD CUP BORTHDAY BONANZA!

Posted '3:02pm bells' Thorsday 12th Joon 2014
"WE HAVE SOME JOYOUS NEWS TO TELL YOU!"
'FINK THE MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER'
HAS GIVEN FIFA HIS KIND PERMISSION TO KICK OFF
THE WORLD CUP ON HIS BIRTHDAY!"

For those of yee who divvint naa it's mee 'big zero' borthday today and FIFA president Sepp'tic' Blatter phoned me up the other day and said:
"Fink!" "Is it OK if we kick the Brazil World Cup off on your birthday?"

I of course replied:
"WHEY AYE MAAN!--NE PROBLEM!"
and so 'it came to pass' (that on my express permission only!) the openin' ceremony and forst game will be played toneet, when hosts Brazil play Croatia in Sao Paulo @ '9 bells' (live on ITV 1)

Then tomorrow Mexico play Camerooon @ '5 pm bells' (ITV 1)
Spain play Holland @ '8 pm bells' (BBC 1)
and Chile play Australia @ '11 pm bells' (ITV 1)
and of course Ing-er-land are in action on Saturday neet when they face Italy in Manaus @ '11 pm bells' (BBC1)

Personally aa cannit wait til '2 bells' on Sunday mornin' when the Ivory Coast play Japan! <"YAHOOOO!"

Tuesday 10 June 2014

"SSSHHH!!!" *** "JACK'S THE LAD!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 10th Joon 2014
ARE YOO WATCHIN', BLUNDERLAND!???

At last we have signed Killingworth born central midfielder Jack Colback from the SMBs on a FREE transfor!

'Ginger Jack' infamously shushed the Toon crowd last season when he scored the 3rd goal for the mackems in the Tyne/weardo derby @ St James' Park, just 3 months ago, when he put hiz index finger to hiz lips az he ran towards the Toon fans!

Whether that will gan against him when he forst runs oot the St James' tunnel iz open to conjecture! <(we naa aall the big words!)

He says he hopes the SMBs understand hiz reason for comin' to a big club!----me 'finks' they won't somehow and THAT will definitely gan against him when he retorns to the Stadium of SSshhh! (yee naa wot?!!!) in a black n white striped shirt!!!

Monday 9 June 2014

GEORDIE TIMES QUIZ ANSWER! *** "500 DAYS AND COONTIN'!"

Posted '1:45pm bells' Monday 9th Joon 2014

The answer to last weeks 'Geordie Times' quiz:

Question: "Who waz the last forst team player that NUFC signed for cash!?"

Answer: "MASSADIO HAIDARA on 25th January 2013!"
"That's 500 DAYS AGO TODAY!"

Other signins that week included: Sissoko (21/01/13), Yanga (22/01/13) and Gouffran (23/01/13)  

PS: The signin' of Ayoze Perez last Friday from Tenerife for a reported £1.5 million was NOT a forst team signin', but a resorve team signin' and he will play in wor U21s side next season, which iz  managed by Peter Beardsley ! (He can't officially sign til 1st July anyway, when the summer transfor window opens!) 
This waz confirmed on NUFCs own official website and even they say he iz 'one for the future'? (and not now!)

Therefore!---we still await a signin' for cash who will gan straight into the forst team!---"500 days and coontin'!"

Saturday 7 June 2014

AN ORLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM SANTA! (CRUZ!)

Posted '1:13pm bells' Saturday 7th Joon 2014

On Thorsday 'The Geordie Times' said that it would be "highly unlikely!" that we would sign a player for cash before next Monday!

NUFC obviously hord us and sprung into action by signin' striker Ayoze Perez from Spanish side Tenerife and a fee of £1.5 million <("wow!") haz been mentioned.
However!---he haz been signed for wor 'development U21s squad' and iz therefore NOT a forst team signin' az such (The wait to sign a permanent FORST TEAM PLAYER FOR CASH gans on (and on!)
(See 'Geordie Times' quiz below)

PEREZ TRIES OOT ONE OF THE PLASTIC SEATS
IN 'THE MILBURN STAND'!

Born in the Tenerife capital of Santa Cruz, 20 year old Perez plied hiz trade in the Spanish second division and scored 16 times in 34 games last season!
He met resorve team manager Peter Beardsley after a flyin' visit to Tyneside for talks on hiz contract (which will formally start on the forst of July) and said:
"I am very happy to be here to start a new adventure!
I'm very eager for it to begin and I am very pleased to play for this magnificent club!  Any football player would be interested in playing for such a club and I will earn my position to get into the first team!"

Thursday 5 June 2014

"JACK'S THE LAD!?" *** £000,000,000!

Posted '1:25pm bells' Thorsday 5th Joon 2014

The rumour machine haz been dein' the roonds az per usual in the summaa transfor window and it's said that SMB midfielder Jack Colbeck iz set to join us sometime next week on a FREE TRANSFOR! <(Az wor 'beloved owner?' 'The Fat Controller' will ne doubt say: "The price is right!")

A 5 year deal haz been mentioned and we at 'The Geordie Times' have ne problem with an SMB switchin' from weardoside to Tyneside!
The mackem fans though, hate it if it's the othaa way roond and they sign an ex Toon player! <(Lee Clark iz the porfect example!)

Still ne news of course of any pormanent signings for CASH!---the lang wait gans on! <(and ON!) (see Geordie Times quiz below!)

Tuesday 3 June 2014

GEORDIE TIMES QUIZ *** HOW MANY DAYS IZ IT SINCE WE LAST SIGNED A PLAYER FOR CASH!?

Posted '1:00pm bells' Wednesday 4th Joon 2014

"WHO AM I ?"

Next Monday, NUFC will reach anothaa 'millstone' in wor history (that's correct!---'millstone' NOT 'milestone')

The Geordie Times question iz:

"How many days will it be next Monday, since NUFC last signed a forst team player for cash and wot iz hiz name!???"

The answer will appear here sometime next Monday afternoon!
(This iz of course assumin' that we divvint sign a player(s) for cash between now and then!) <(Highly unlikely!)

Take a guess?---'Fink' aboot it!??---divvint 'Google it'!???---NE cheeetin'!????

Sunday 1 June 2014

GEORDIE TIMES QUIZ *** "DID YOO SPOT WOR DILLIBERATTE MISSTAYK(S)!?"

Posted '12:40pm bells' Friday 30th May 2014
THE TYNE BRIDGES---FROM TOP TO BOTTOM:
THE REDHEUGH BRIDGE
THE KING EDWARD BRIDGE
THE QUEEN ELIZABETH II (METRO) BRIDGE
THE HIGH LEVEL BRIDGE
THE SWING BRIDGE
THE TYNE BRIDGE
THE MILLENIUM BRIDGE
 

Yesterday we gave yoo the quiz answer to wor question, which waz:
"How many teams have won a major domestic trophy since NUFC last won one!?"

We gave a list of 34 teams who had done so and said that Sporz had last won a trophy in 1991, which waz the FA Cup!
This waz a cunning missteak on wor part az Sporz last won a trophy just 5 years  "Er!"--6 years! ago in 2008, which waz the Leegue Cup!
AALSO!--- we missed 'Ne Where Near' Bolton Wanders FA Cup win in 1958---so the total iz in fact 35! and NOT 34!--- the correction(s) are listed below!

We were inundated with millions of texts, e mail and fone caalls, correctin' us (whey!--- TWO actually from 'Liam from the Lamp'!) and he wins the forst prize which iz an aall EXPENSIVE paid trip to New Zealand to watch The Toon pre season (Aall £3,000 expenses paid by HIM! <(apart from a very generous 5 pence donation to help with the costs from 'The Geordie Times'!)

He aalso wins a 'Geordie Times' tee shirt, to wear in New Zealand (XXL--small 'marquee tent' size!) complete with wor 7 Tyne Bridge logos on the front (see above pic) and www.geordietimes.com  on the back! 
We have since corrected wor dilibrittt misttaik! (see below!)

34 OR! 35 *** ANOTHAA GROVELLIN' APOLOGY FROM 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!

Posted '9:09pm bells' Sunday 1st Joon 2014

In 'The Geordie Times' 'Trophy Quiz' we asked yoo just how many different teams had won a major domestic trophy since NUFC last won one in 1955!
We gave the answer az 34 BUT! omitted 'Ne Where Near' Bolton Wanderers who won the FA Cup in 1958! (we say 'ne where near' az their Reebok Stadium groond ISNT anywhere near Bolton!) <(it's SIX miles away!)

Anyway!---we have now corrected wor heinous error and sacked wor stat man in shame!---he will be replaced in the not tooo distant future by someone with a few more brains! <(more to follow on this in the next few days!)

We can anly apologise once again and the corrected answer iz listed below!

SINCE WE LAST WON A TROPHY 'STATS' *** QUIZ ANSWER!

Updated '9:15pm bells' 1st Joon 2014

SOMEWHERE DOON 'THE BIGG MARKET'!

Yesterday in 'The Geordie Times', we asked yoo:
"How many different teams have won a major domestic trophy since NUFC last won one?"

The answer iz!--------------------------------------!!! 
34 !!!! <(THORTY FOWER!) 
"ER!"-sorry!" 35!!!!! (THORTY FIVE!) 
Below iz the staggerin' list of different clubs that have won a major domestic trophy since NUFC last won one, way!, way! back in 1955! (includin' Swindon Toon, Oxfaad, Wombledon and Luton Toon!)
"It makes yoo want to cry in your beer!"


(Last major trophy win only per club)

1 The Arse *** FA Cup *** 2014
2 Manc Blue Moonies *** Premyaa Leegue *** 2014
3 Blue Wigs *** FA Cup *** 2013
4 Manc Muppets *** Premyaa Leegue *** 2013
5 Swanzee *** Leegue Cup *** 2013
6 Chelski *** FA Cup *** 2012
7 The Liverbirds *** Leegue Cup *** 2012
8 Bormingham *** Leegue Cup *** 2011
9 Portsmooth *** FA Cup *** 2009
10 Sporz *** Leegue Cup *** 2008 (corrected answer!)
11 The Smoggies *** Leegue Cup *** 2004
12 Blackborn *** Leegue Cup *** 2002
13 Lestaaa *** Leegue Cup *** 2000
14 The Hazbeens & Villians *** Leegue Cup *** 1996
15 The Toffee Noses *** FA Cup *** 1995
16 Leeedz *** Old 1st Division *** 1992
17 Sporz *** FA Cup *** 1991
17 Sheff Wed *** Leegue Cup *** 1991
18 Forest *** Leegue Cup *** 1990
19 Wombledon *** FA Cup *** 1988
20 Luton Toon *** Leegue Cup *** 1988
21 Coventry Nomads *** FA Cup *** 1987
22 Oxfaad *** Leegue Cup *** 1986
23 The Canary Custards *** Leegue Cup *** 1985
24 The Jellied Eels Mob *** FA Cup *** 1980
25 Wolverhampton Wanabeez *** Leegue Cup *** 1980
26 Ipswich Toon *** FA Cup *** 1978
27 Sooothampton *** FA Cup *** 1976
28 Derby  Sheep S**ggers *** Old 1st Division ***1975
29 SMBs! *** FA Cup *** 1973
30 The P*ss Potters *** Leegue Cup *** 1972
31 Swindon Toon *** Leegue Cup *** 1969
32 The Baggie Troosers *** FA Cup *** 1968
33 Steptoe Rag & Bone Men Rangers ** Leegue Cup ** 1967
34 Bornley *** Old 1st Division *** 1960
35 'Ne Where Near' Bolton Wanderers *** FA Cup *** 1958 (corrected answer!)
36 The Toon *** FA CUP *** 1955!


IF? we have made any missteaks or left anyone oot---we can anly apologize!
"ER!"--- "We did! Sporz won their last trophy in 2008 and NOT 1991!" <('Clever sh*te', 'Liam from the Lamp' corrected us!)
Aalso we omitted Bolton who won the FA Cup in 1958! <(the shame!)
 

"6,708 THANKYOOOZ!"

Posted '11:42am bells' Sunday 1st Joon 2014

Yesterday 'The Geordie Times' recorded it's highest number of 'hits' in one day when we recorded a magnificent 1,216---most of them from Israel <(believe it or not!?) <"Hello Israel!")
This iz the forst time in the history of the world that we have broken the '1,000 barrier'!

Not anly that!---But the total pageviews for May totalled 6,708 which iz 2,000 more than the previous best in April 2013!

The Top Ten Aall Time 'Hit-List' iz az follows:

1 "The old"--UK ***  57,294
2 USA ---"Aall the way!" *** 21,801
3 The Ukrainians *** 7,071
4 "Mee Old!"---China *** 3,617
5 Jawmany *** 3,096
6 Rushaa *** 1,424
7 The Israelites *** 1,183
8 The Guinness Republic *** 1.087
9 "Aviva!"--Espanyaa *** 923
10 The Frenchies *** 720

Yet again!--we thank each any every one of yoo from the fower corners of planet Orth and Mars for loggin' into this *'up market' website for the futbaall 'connoisseurs'! <(We naa how to sppel aall the big words!) 
*('Up' the 'Bigg Market'---that iz!)
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

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