Friday 30 November 2012


Posted '4:15pm bells' Friday 30th November 2012

Below iz the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' updated match report from Barnet on Tuesday neet, when The Toon's U18s took on The Arse's U18s in the FA Youth Cup.

294 underhill, barnet, london

(Ground number 294)

Date of First Visit: 27th November 2012





Attendance: 500 estimated (includin’ quite a few Toon fans)



Three of us set of @ ’11:00 am bells’ in mee ‘canny tranny’ from ‘The Black Bull’ in the shadows of St James’ Park for this FA Youth Cup tie in norf Landan against ‘The Arse’ who play their resorve games @ Underhill, the home of Barnet FC

We arrived at ‘5:00 bells’ in good time for the ‘7 bells’ start and parked up in a side street beside the groond where the floodlights were blazin’ away and made wor way to the ‘Old Red Lion’ boozer, which was situated on the corner of the main road within easy hocklin distance of the groond!  

Of course there were a handful of ‘saddos’ there az well who had travelled doon from Tyneside by various modes of transport and I won’t name and shame them for fear of ridicule!

After a few ‘liquids’ in ‘The Lion’ (“ER!”--shandy for me, coz aa was drivin’!) we heeded for the tornstiles where the princely sum of three quid waz required to gain entry!

The forst thing yi notice when yi enter the groond iz the massive slope on the pitch from goal to goal and it’s ne wonder they want to move az the hotch potch of bus shelter stands make this one of the worst leegue groonds that a’v ever been te! (Barnet have been @ Underhill for 105 years and are due to move to a new groond at the end of this season!)

The groond sits at the bottom of a hill (under-hill!) with tube trains arriving’ and departin’ from ‘New Barnet Tube Station’ every few minutes, which waz just a couple of minutes waalk, up the hill behind the ‘uphill’ goal.

The game kicked off and an eccentric old biddy with an Arsenal hat and flag, who waz sittin’ near the end of the main stand, started singin’ old futbaall songs by horself, at the top of hor voice!

It waz quite amusin’ at forst but after a while it started to get a bit irritatin’ az she ranted on!

The Toon had started off well az we kicked ‘doon the hill’ and forward Alex Gilliead shot into the side nettin’ in the fifth minute, but that’s az good az it got from wor point of view az ‘The Arse’ went on the offensive from this point and had several chances to take the lead az they kicked uphill towards (wait for it!) ‘The Tube Train Terrace End’!

The inevitable happened in the 22nd minute when Jeffrey drilled a shot past Woodman in the Toon goal. Their lead waz doubled just before the break when a fine dribble from Bellerin evaded wor defence and he slotted home.


The second half waz ne better for us az we kicked up the hill and it waz anly on rare occasions that we did venture near ‘The Tube Train Terrace End’ goal az the clock counted doon the minutes!

The Arse kept the pressure up and by the mid point of the half we looked well beaten. It waz obvious at this point that we were gannin to lose the match and ‘Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer’ <(SH*T!---a’v named and shamed somebody!) waz cursin’ the fact that he’d booked on the midneet bus back from Victoria Coach Station instead of the train, az he would have had to leave before the end if ‘extra time’ waz needed  to catch the last train yem!

The final nail in wor ‘coffin’ came at ‘the death’ (excuse the pun!) when Akpom slotted home past Woodman to put ‘The Arse’ three-nil up and win the game!

It waz then a five hour drive back to Tyneside and we arrived back at qwaata to one in the mornin’ with 550 miles on the clock for the roond trip!

Next day it waz another road trip to Stoke to watch the forst team lose 2-1 and by the time we got back from this one, a total of nearleee a THOOSAND MILES had been clocked up in two days!

Who would be a Toon fan???


Thursday 29 November 2012


Posted '8:30pm bells' Thorsday 29th November 2012

'The Geordie Times' can excluuusivleee reveeel through wor secret club 'insider' that NUFC are baall number 28 in the FA CUP thord roond draw which takes place this Sunday @ '2:40pm bells' live on ITV!

If we are wrang? then! after the draw iz made, we will eat wor Bordeaux tickets for the game in France next Thorsday! (washed doon with a pint of 'Smith's' in 'The Porcy'!)


Updated '8:15pm bells' Thorsday 29th November 2012


An absolutleee horrendous November waz roonded off with this undesorved 2-1 defeat in 'The Potteries' last neet.

We held our own for the forst half with a much better display than we have had in recent weeks.

The big breakthrough came not lang after the re-start when a Demba Ba shot waz blocked by their keeper, anly for the baall to rebound to Cisse and his resultin' shot went into the net via the post to send the 2,000 or so Toon diehards behind that goal into wild celebrations!
Aa then remember lookin' at the clock as it coonted the minutes to the end of the match and with '80' on the clock we anly had 10 minutes to survive---and The Toon fans revelled in the chant of: "You're just a tramp in a tracksuit!", aimed at Tony Pulis----but then disaster struck!

FORST!---Jon Walters heeded home at 'The Boothen End' just after this to level things and then we just fell apart with 'The P*ss Potts' pilin' on the pressure for the winnin' goal.
The unthinkable happened five minutes later when Jerome fired home past Tim Krul to make November the month NOT TO remember for anyone of black 'n white persuasion! 
The lang drive back meant that in two day we had travelled  a THOOSAND MILES by road to watch them (the previous day we'd went to Barnet in London to watch the U18s lose 3-0 to The Arse U18s!)  

The result meens that we have went through the entire month withoot a win and more alarmingly we have now lost fower Premya leegue games in a row and are anly two points off thord bottom with a tough December to follow!

Toon team: Krul, Coloccini, Santon, Simpson, Williamson, Perch, Anita (Sammy Ameobi 87), Gutierrez, Tiote, Ba, Cisse (Ranger 87)

Attendance: 26,793 (includin' 2,000 or so beleaguered Toon fans!) 

Wednesday 28 November 2012


Posted '9:20am bells' Wednesday 28th November 2012

Very brief match report:

Ground number 294, Underhill, Barnet, London

In akin to the forst team, the juniors did a 'copycat impression' of them with this totally inept performance @ Barnet's Underhill groond in norf Landan last neet. 

We were totally ootplayed and 3-0 waz a fair result az The Arse were a different class to us I'm afraid!
Attendance: 500 or so includin' quite a few 'Toon hoppers' who had made the hazardous 550 mile plus roond trip from Tyneside through floods rain and gale force winds!
(More to follow on this later az I must dash!)

We play 'The Pulis P*ss Potts of Stoke' toneet in the Premya Leegue @ The Britannia Stadium to roond off a vey wet and miserable November! (Roll on December!)
Match report on BOTH games to follow sometime tomorrow!) 

Monday 26 November 2012


Updated '8:30am bells' Tuesday 27th November 2012

'Mooth-waaterin' news that wor 'FA Youth Cup thord roond tie' against 'The Arses' youth team tooneet will definateleee be played @ Barnet's Underhill Groond and NOT 'The Emirates', az waz forst feared!, iz great news for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers', az 'Underhill' iz a groond we have neva (ever!) played on or been te before!

Wots more!---the north London 'Leegue Two' club will leave their home of 105 years and move on to 'pastures new' @ the end of this season---never! to retorn! and so (unless we draa them in the FA Cup) this will be wor one and anly chance to gan there!
'The Bees' are rumoured to be movin' to a groond caalled 'The Hive' in Harrow for next season ("Er!"--"Wonder why it's caalled 'The Hive'?")

The anly thing that could scupper wor plans iz the fact that the torrential rain and gale force winds which have affected most of the UK iz set to continue for the next couple of days!
Some of the 'hoppers' are gettin' the train doon and some (like us daft f****rs!) are gannin' by road via the 'A1' (if it's not flooded that iz!?).
Lets hope that we aall get there!? (goggles and flippers at the ready!)

The game iz due to be played @ Underhill with a '7 bells' kick off! (Weather permittin'!) Match report to follow on Wednesday!---and if we DE make it---then! (see below!) 
"Get the broon ale 'on ice' oot!"


Posted '10:10am bells' Monday 26th November 2012


An absoloootleee disastrous November continued @ St Mary's yesterday when we went doon 2-0 to a relegation threatened Sooothampton team who have been at or near to the bottom of the table since the beginnin' of the season.

The match stats speak for themsels:
Sooothampton had loads of chances throughoot the game and if it wasn't for Tim Krul in wor goal who made several vital saves the scoreline would have been much worse. (although he waz at fault for BOTH their goal!)
The home side aalso hit the woodwork three times az wor midfield and defence put in a shambolic display!

The anly action that we can remember in wor favour waz when Davide Santon nodded a bullet heeder towards the corner of their goal, anly to be denied by a fantastic block from their keeper!
Anita aalso shud have scored but fluffed hiz easy chance! (Cisse and Ba were totally ineffective!)

After the match we faced a one mile trek back to the train station in torrential rain and we were soaked to the skin by the time we got there to complete a day of misery! (It was then onward to Victoria Station and then King's Cross and we eventually crossed the King Edward Bridge ower the Tyne @ '12:45am bells' on Sunday mornin'!)

The result meens that we havvent won any of wor six games played in November and with anotha away game against 'The Pulis P*ss Potts of Stoke' loomin' on Wednesday neet, things divvint look good!---do they?

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Steven Taylor (Perch 90), Santon, Gutierrez, Tiote, Anita (Marveaux 65), Ferguson (Sammy Ameobi 46), Cisse, Ba

Attendance: 31,410 (2,000 or so very unhappy Toon fans!) 

Wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' had the quote of the day---which just aboot summed it up!
"It was all good until it kicked off!"

Saturday 24 November 2012


Posted '5:10am bells' Saturday 24th November 2012

Today 'The Geordie Times' sets off for the sooth coast for wor leegue game 'The Saints' @ St Marys in Sooothampton
Bad weather iz predicted for the whole weekend and we can anly hope that the boozers we visit will have adequate protection from the elements!

Injurys have blighted wor squad and we can anly hope that the decision NOT to buy a few quality players in the close season doesn't come home to roost!---again! 

Match report to follow on Monday! (sometime!)

Friday 23 November 2012


Posted '10:00am bells' Friday 23rd November 2012

Yet anothaa inept home performance from 'The Toon' meant that Bordeaux, who won 2-1 in Brugge, are now top of the group table, meanin' that we must win there on December 6th or finish 2nd and face the possibility of playin' one of the Champions Leegue 'dropouts' in the knockoot stage of the competition in February. (ie: we have DEFINATLEEE qualified!) 

We took the lead at the mid-point of the forst half when Ben Arfa supplied 'Marveaux the Magician' and hiz shot went through the legs of the Maritimo keeper @ The Leazes End to send the smaall crowd into raptures!

But that waz az good az it got and the minnows from Madeira had chances to level things in the forst half but couldn't make the breakthrough.

The second half waz even worse than the forst with passes gannin astray and hardly any efforts on target from us.

Maritimo on the otha hand, fought hard for the equaliser and went close on a few occassions before finally gettin' their much deserved goal when Finlis (in a carbon copy of wor goal!) fired through Tim Krul's legs in the 80th minute to send their smaall band of 35 fans<(yes! we coonted them!) in the Milburn Stand paddock wild with delight! 
They even had a great chance to win it when Finlis again, (me thinx?) shot wide when it waz much easier to score!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Santon, Marveaux, Bigirimana, Anita, Sammy Ameobi (Abeid 77), Ben Arfa (Ba 40), Cisse (Amalfitano 50)

Attendance: anly 21,632 (35 'Mari' fans!)  


Thursday 22 November 2012


Posted '9:20am bells' Thorsday 22nd November 2012


Tooneet we play wor penultimate<(we naa aall the 'BIG' words!) game in the Europa Leegue group stage when we take on Maritimo @ St James' Park @ '8:05 bells'
A win against the groups bottom club will see us progress to the knockoot stage which begins in February and guarantee us 2nd place at least!

When we were in Belgium a fortneet back, we were taalkin to some Brugge fans after the game and they telt us that Maritimo hadn't brung ANY FANS AT AALL! when they'd played them at their place---so!---gannin on that assumption, and the fact that heavy rain and strong winds are forecast and that the game iz on live telly, (ESPN) we predict that this will be wor lowest crowd of the season, with less than 30,000 tornin up!

Squad rotation will again play a big part, so divvint expect the team who played in wor 'horror show' defeat against Swanzee in the Premya Leegue last Saturday to torn oot! (mebeez that's just az well!)

'Geordie Times' match report (az usual!) to follow sometime tomorrow! 

Wednesday 21 November 2012


Updated '8:15am bells' Thorsday 22nd November 2012

Tickets are still on sale for toneets home game against Maritimo (£15/£10 and a fiver!)
Ticket application forms for wor Europa Leegue game in Bordeaux on Thorsday December 6th are now open to season ticket holders with 50 loyalty points or more. @ just £13 a ticket (Premya Leegue clubs take note!)

In contrast, tickets which have just went on sale for wor Premya Leegue game in west London against 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers' on Monday 10th December are ower three times higher! @ £40 (£30 and £20 for zimmerframeites and sprogs!)
(now zero loyalty points)
For wor Boxin' Day games @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' (£45 plus concessions) and The Emirates (£35.50 plus concessions)  on December 29th yoo aalso need 25 loyalty points to apply

Wor game @ Sooothampton iz nuw a selloot to Toon fans on Sunday. STOP PRESS! aparentleee we have been given some more tickets for Sunday and theeze are priced @ £35 plus concessions! 

Tickets for wor game away to 'The Pulis P*ss Potts of Stoke' on Wednesday 28th November, are still on sale (£30 plus concessions)---zero loyalty points nuw required.

Home tickets for wor game against 'The Blue Moonies' on December 15th are now on sale az well
("ER!"---"hope yiv got plenty of money to buy aall theeze tickets!?")

Tuesday 20 November 2012


Posted '1:25pm bells' Tuesday 20th November 2012

'The Geordie Times' haz just received it's 20,000th page view from overseas today and we thank each and every one of wor foreign friends for loggin' into this site!

Not anly that!---but today we aalso received wor 7,000th 'hit' from wor reeeders across the pond in the USA!---and their usual 'Empire State Building celebrations' have started aalready!-----that's 'Yankee Doodle Dandy'!


Posted '10:00am bells' Tuesday 20th November 2012

In the run up to wor last European home game this year against Maritimo on Thorsday, the full match and drink report against Brugge in Belgium nearly a fortneet ago haz finalleee been completed (at last!) and iz published below



Date of First Visit: 8th November 2012






Europa League Group D

Attendance: 18,003 (2,600 Toon fans in the away

section plus just az many ‘hidin’ in the home 

sections PLUS! anotha 3,000 who were unable to

get tickets who watched the match on big screens

in the centre of Brugge!) (11,000 empty seats!!!)


Day One: Wednesday


Meesel and ‘The Caped Crusader’ caught the nine

bells train from ‘The Central’ to King’s Cross and

then ‘onward’ by Eurostar from St Pancras (which

iz reet next door) to Brussels, where we were

basin’ worsels for two neets

After dumpin’ wor bags in wor hotel we met up

with ‘Colonel Gaddafi’ (that’s reet he’s STILL

alive and livin’ in Bracknel, Berkshire!) and we

heeded for ‘the night life’, where, menacingly

there were gangs of kids of African dissent

hangin’ aroond the street corners givin’ us ‘dodgy

looks’ az we made wor way doon to where the

bars were from wor hotel, which waz aboot a ten

minute walk from the train station (‘The Caped

Crusader’ had been mugged in Brussels by some

of them a few years orlier when we played



Anyway!---we arrived at the forst ‘waaterin hole’

where the beer waz 10%! which iz twice az strong

az wot we normally drink!

‘The Colonel’ said he had met a couple of the

regular away travellers on the Eurostar but couldn’

recall one of their names, although he could

remember that ‘Blondie Alan’ waz one of them! 

He tried to describe the other one and said that we

knew him well.

He described that he had a ‘tash’ and waz built

like a ‘brick sh*t hoose’ but we couldn’t ‘picture’

just who he waz on aboot!

There waz a roond beer mat on the table and so aa

took it and said to ‘The Colonel’ “Can you draw a

photo fit picture of him?” He nodded and so aa

gave mee expensive ‘Parker Pen’ (which looks

remarkably like the ones yi get in ‘Ladbrokes

bookies’!) and he started sketchin away!

When he’d finished, his ‘artists impression’

looked like it waz  sketch of ‘Adolf Hitler’(see top

photo!) but az we divvint naa ANYBODY who

looks like this we were completleee ‘stumped’!

(apart from ‘Adolf’ that iz!)

Anyway! ---‘The Caped Crusader’ had a

brainwave and decided to phone ‘Blondie Alan the

Morris Dancer’ up to find oot just who wor

‘mystery man’ actually waz! (“Er!”---a message to

‘Blondie’---“there’s NE hidin place from ‘your

past!’---‘Morris Dancer’ it iz!)

Straight away he telt us that wor ‘mystery man’

WAZZZ!?----‘THE BEAR!’ who DOESN’T have

a ‘tash’ and haz a shaven heed!---unlike hiz ‘photo

fit’, complete with flowin’ locks’ and ‘Hitler


“It looks nowt like him!” we said in unison az

‘The Colonel’ cowered behind the table!

Anyway!---we moved on to a few more boozers

before heedin’ back to the hotel on the ‘Brussels

Undergroond’ (we wernt takin’ any chances on

waalkin back!)

PS: We hord later on that some Toon fans had

been attacked with lumps of wood with nails in

them in the red light district of Brussels and

were mugged!

One lad got stabbed and two ended up with broken bones!


Day Two: Match Day


Next mornin’ we were up with the larks and

heeded back to the station to catch the train to

Brugge, which waz an hours ride away. The were

a few Toon fans on it and they were drinkin’

merrily az the train sped alang!

On arrival in Brugge we avoided the packed main

square full of Toon fans, where a big screen had

been erected for those without match tickets and

heeded for some bars ‘off the beaten track’!

The bars aroond the square were aall sorvin’ beer

oot of plastic glasses at extoshanite<(Geordie

Times spellin’!) prices, but the ones we foond had

‘propa’ ones to drink oot of at reasonable prices!

(two reasons to avoid the main square!)

Eventually!—we heeded in the direction of the  

groond back through the main square where the

police presence had quadruplet since we forst

waalked through and thoughts of bein’ held there

against wor will, went through wor minds and so

we made A SHARP exit to anotha boozers on the

otha side, oot the way!

We then decided to heed nearer to the ground az

police vans and horses aall of a sudden suroonded

the square in a well planned ‘pincer movement’!

(ie: it waz F*****’ time to get oot!)

We decided to heed for the hotel where ‘Big Al’

and ‘Sarnie Steve’ were stoppin’ across the river

which cuts Brugge in two---anly to confronted by

a line of ‘dibbles’ blockin’ the picturesque bridge,

complete with castles!

“Wor hotels on the otha side of the bridge!” ‘Big

Al’ said, az he pointed to it in the distance, But

they still wouldn’t let us pass and threatened to

arrest us IF we didn’t de az we were told! And

pointed us in the direction of the city centre---and

so we had to de a three qwaata of a mile detour

across another bridge near to the train station to

get ower the river!

The hotel they were stoppin’ in had a bar and we

decided to stop there til it waz time to gan to the

match---which we were telt waz a twenty minute

waalk away from the hotel---WRANG!---it waz

much fortha and az the local ‘dibble’ (bless em!---

NOT!) had banned Toon fans from usin’ busses or

taxis to get to the game, it waz ‘shanks’s pony’to

the stadium! (Wot a way to be treated—“EH!”)

Havin’ got through FIVE ticket security checks

(that’s reet!--- FIVE!) we eventually got into the

stadium with ten minutes to spare, but we were the

lucky ones az quite a few missed the kick off!

Az expected there were thousands of empty seats,

which begs the obvious question---“why wernt we

given more???

Brugge took the lead in the 14th minute through

Ivan Trickovski who shot past Tim Krul in the

Toon goal and doubled their tally just six minutes

later when Jesper Jorgensen hit an effort just

inside the post in front of the Toon fans!

We fought back however!, when Anita hit a right

foot screamer into the Brugge goal in the 41st

minute and Shola Ameobi levelled things just two

minutes later when he stabbed the baall home after

he received a through baall from hiz younger

brother Sammy, to send the Toon fans wild with

delight! (the forst time incedentleee, that two

brothers had started a MAJOR European game

together for The Toon!) (Matty and Richie

Appelby had both featured for us in the Anglo

Italian Cup back in 1992!)

In the second period we nearly won it when

Sammy ‘Ami’ hit the bar with a great shot, but

there waz ne more scorin’ in the game and after

bein’ locked in for half an hour (when!-- before

the match, we had been telt that we would be let

straight oot!) we were eventually let oot for some

post match ‘liquid refreshments’ and heeded to a

bar we had passed on the way up where some very

drunk Toon fans had been watchin’ the match on

the telly.

One waz SO inebriated that he’d stripped off and

waz runnin’ roond the bar with nowt on! The

barmaid however, waz not impressed with the size

of hiz ‘yee naa wot’ and said sommik in

Flemish/Belgian/Dutch? that! (usin’ mee vast

knowledge of International languages!) aa  

deciphered to meen! (YES!—yiv guessed it!)  

That he waz a big DICK with a little  P****!


We then heeded back to the hotel where ‘Sarnie 

Steve’ and the rest were stayin’, and a Toon fan

telt us that hiz mate had been nicked by ‘the local


“Wot for?”—we asked

“He got to the fourth checkpoint and waz asked

once again to show hiz ticket, but he must have

dropped it at the previous one and so they arrested

him for attemptin’ to get into the match without a


(HONEST!---IT’S F*****’ TRUE!!!)

It waz then back to Brussels late on and we

eventually ‘retired’ in the orly hours



Day Three: Friday


An orly train from Brussels to St Pancras and the

onward back yem from King’s Cross next mornin’

meant that we were back for ‘two bells’ on Friday

afternoon for a few ‘liquids’ with the lads in 'The

Hotspur', before catchin’ the bus yem and yet

anotha European adventure waz ower and (of

course!) anotha groond ‘off the list’!