Tuesday 31 January 2012

TRANSFOR DEADLINE DAY!---WE'VE ESCAPED!---UNSCATHED!

Updated 9:30 am bells' Wednesday 1st February 2012
"NO GO!"

It waz transfor deadline day yesterday of course and we came through unscathed thanx to to many vigilantes who stood guard at various locations aroond the Toon! 

There were ne reported helicopter activities ower Tyneside az news quickly spread that we had EVERY heliport covered from The Benton Trainin' Groond to The Arena's heliport next to The Redheugh Bridge and I have to tell yoo that we had a team handed mob, ready with sticks, clubs and basebaall bats to repel any invaders from the sky, waitin' to whisk one (or more!) of wor star players away to London, Manchester or (of course!) Liverpool!

It worked! az ne players were transfored yesterday and we can breathe a sigh of relief til the summer at least!
(Ne players came IN, on deadline day eetha---by the way!)

THE TOON RESORVES v BEDLINGTON TERRIERS---TONEET @ '7:30 bells'

Posted '2:50 pm bells' Tuesday 31st January 2012

"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!?"

Toneet @ Blue Flames, Benton (aka Whitley Park) the resorves take on the Terriers of Bedlington in the semis of The Northumberland Senior Cup. 

In the resorves last game we were hammered 6-0 by Man U's second string @ Altrincham last week, so lets hope we can boonce back toneet and claim a place in the final, which will be played @ St James' Park.
Season ticket holders have to pay for this one and a low crowd iz expected. (wor guess iz a sub 400 attendance!)

Match report to follow eetha later toneet or in the mornin'!?

Monday 30 January 2012

"10,000 THANK YOOZ TO AALL WOR OWERSEAS REEEDERS !"

Posted '7:30 pm bells' Monday 30th January 2012
"TO THE SEVEN CONTINENTS ON THE PLANET
10,000 THANK YOOOOZ FROM 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!"

Yet another 'Geordie Times' 'landmark'? haz been passed, az today @ '7:30 pm bells' preciseleee we have just received wor TEN
THOOOSANDTH pageview from owerseas! (and beyond!)>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Below we include the countries and territories that have made this possible---aall 112 of them in the order that they visited us!---A special thank yoo to yoo aall! 

001 United States of America
002 Canada
003 Japan
004 Bulgaria
005 Columbia
006 Brazil
007 Republic of Ireland
008 Denmark
009 Hong Kong
010 France
011 Jawmany (Germany)
012 Russia
013 Burundi
014 Kenya
015 Lithuania
016 China
017 Iraq
018 Egypt
019 India
020 Romania
021 Malta
022 Slovenia
023 Holland
024 New Zealand
025 Australia
026 Spain
027 Greece
028 Belgium
029 Ukraine
030 Luxembourg
031 Sooth Korea
032 Poland
033 Italy
034 Serbia
035 Malaysia
036 Macedonia (FYROM)
037 Hungary
038 Mexico
039 Switzerland
040 Torkey
041 Croatia
042 Norway
043 Equador
044 Czech Republic
045 Portugal
046 Austria
047 Latvia
048 Kyrgystan
049 Azerbaijan
050 Estonia
051 Israel
052 Argentina
053 United Arab Emirates
054 Chile
055 Sweden
056 Finland
057 Tunisia
058 Saudi Arabia
059 Sooth Africa
060 Peru
061 Indonesia
062 Thailand
063 Iran
064 Iceland
065 Pakistan
066 Slovakia
067 Singapore
068 Albania
069 Uruguay
070 Vietnam
071 Bosnia and Herzegovina
072 Nigeria
073 Georgia
074 Philippines
075 Lebanon
076 Isle of Man
077 Belarus
078 Moldova
079 Yemen
080 Taiwan
081 Aruba
082 Venezuala
083 Guatemala
084 Ghana
085 Mauritius
086 Cyprus
087 Zambia
088 Brunei
089 Kuwait
090 Liberia
091 Gibralter
092 Morocco
093 Sierra Leone
094 Jersey
095 Bahrain
096 Trinidad and Tobago
097 Tanzania
098 Algeria
099 Gambia
100 Bhutan
101 Jamaica
102 Maldives
103 Malawi
104 Monaco
105 Guernsey
106 Bahamas
107 Costa Rica
108 Jordan
109 Vanuatu
110 Oman
111 Syria
112 Cayman Islands
Plus Mars!>>>>>>>>


Once again!--TEN THOOOSAND thank yoooz for your support!

A 'LOVE'/'HATE' AFFAIR!---57 YEARS AND COONTIN'!

Posted '2:30 pm bells' Monday 30th January 2012
"THE CUP THAT DOESN'T CHEER!"

Now that we've recovered from wor 725 mile plus roond trip to Sussex we must wonder just wot it's like inside the new Wembley Stadium az we havvent been there now since 2000 when we lost to Chelski in an FA Cup semi final.

It's not even the end of January and yet again we face the prospect of yet another trophyless season, with the anly thing to look forward te,  a crack at the thord rate Europa League and visits to places like Latvia, Estonia and Sloveeenia on Thorsday neets! (shud we qualify?)

It iz now 57 years since we last won a major domestic trophy (the FA Cup in 1955!) and wor now seemingly 'hate affair' with the trophy we once 'loved' and won three times in 'the fifties', just gans on and on and ON!

After yet another defeat in the competition to yet another lower league side!, we must regroup once more for the 'mooth waaterin' prospect of yet another visit to darkest Blackborn on Wednesday neet (wor 2nd visit this season---we lost there in the LEAGUE CUP!)

But hang on a minute!!!----Aa nearly forgot!!!-----The resorves play Bedlington Terriers in the Northumberland Senior Cup @ Benton tomorrow neet in a semi final tie! so some silverware cud be headin' wor way after aall! (so it's not aall doom and gloom after aall!------iz it??????)

Sunday 29 January 2012

'THE MIDDLE OF NE WHERE' ALBION 1 ------------THE TOON 0 !

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 29th January 2012

Forst of aall, apologeeez for the late postin of this match report az we didn't get back til qwaata to four this mornin'!


A Mike Williamson own goal settled this 'Farce in Falmer' late yesterday afternoon to knock 'The Toon' oot of the FA Cup in wot waz yet another shockin' FA Cup exit for 'the aall blacks' (we wore wor change strip!)

The drive doon took us six and a half hours and we parked up at Lewes train station which iz the nearest 'boozer friendly' place to the groond---which of course iz built in the middle of ne where, next to a village caalled Falmer (which we thought was 'pub-less'!)

After a few 'liquid refreshments' in the three drinkin dens up the hill from the station, we heeded to the train station to catch 'the cattle truck' to Falmer which iz fower miles distant.
There waz aboot a 50-50 mix of both Brighton and Toon fans az the train set off on wot we were telt was a seven minute jorney to the groond. ("Er!"---TEN minutes actually!)

On close up inspection aa was very impressed with 'The Seagulls' new 'nest' az it wasn't the 'tinny shed' aa expected for a club of their stature.
The rather nice brickwork ootside the stadium looked az though it had cost 'a few bob' to build.
"NICE BRICKWORK!---PITY ABOOT THE LOCATION!"

Once inside, wide padded seats greeted us and it reminded me of The Emirates seats at 'The Arse', the anly difference bein' that these were blue instead of red. (much more to follow on the stadium later!).

Anyway!--- the teams ran oot to a packed crowd and aa couldn't see an empty seat anywhere, so the "empty seats" 'chant' couldn't be used today by the Toon faithful!

It was a dour forst half and we just couldn' t get wor act together with 'Captain Shola' leadin' the line up from with Leon Best just behind.
Brighton were even worse and a can't recaall one shot on target from them in the forst period which not suprizingly ended goal-less!

The second half wasn't much better with wor 'toothless' strikeforce unable to break doon the home sides defence az we kicked towards wor fans in The Sooth Stand.
The anly goal came in the 75th minute when Danny Simpson pulled oot of a tackle to let Will Buckley race through to the box and hiz shot deflected off the unfortunate Mike Williamson and into the net to knock us oot of the cup at an orly stage yet again!
Oh! how we need the two 'Dembas' to fill wor strikers roles (Ba and Cisse)

We didn't get yem til qwaata to four this mornin', like aa say!---(a 725 mile roond trip!) but that's another story for the 'disaster days' groundhoppin' list! (now 283 groonds---and coontin'!)

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Santon (Ferguson83), Cabaye, Williamson, Perch, Guthrie (Gosling 83), Ben Arfa (Ryan Taylor 83), Shola Ameobi, Gutierrez, Best
Attendance: 21,558 (2,500 disillooosioned Toon fans!)

PS: some of the lads did manage to 'sniff oot' ONE 'drinkin den' not too far from the groond---so it's actually a 'one boozer groond'!


The FA Cup draw iz on at '3:30 bells' this afternoon---but who f*****' cares now!?

PPS: Wots the bettin' that the headline in 'The Ronny Gill' on Monday iz!: (for the thoosandth time!)
------"WE LET THE FANS DOWN!---WE'RE SORRY!"

"FULL 'mad-sad groundhoppers' 'FA Cup disaster!' report to follow later on in the week!"

Saturday 28 January 2012

BRIGHTON, HOVE (& FALMER!) ALBION v THE TOON

Posted '6:00 am bells' Saturday 28th January 2012

VIEW FROM THE AWAY END

Today we travel to the seaside (not!) for wor much antisipated visit to The Amex Stadium in Falmer which iz ne where near Brighton (or Hove!) and miles from the sea!
The groond apparently iz in the middle of ne where and iz 'pub-less' so we believe!? (we'll soon find oot!)
The plan iz to drive to Lewes and park the 'jam jar' next to the station and catch the train to Falmer which iz seven miles away. (there's ne parkin' at the groond unless yoo have a permit!) (and of course---we divvint!)

A capacity crowd of ower 20,000 iz anntisipated for this FA Cup tie @ '5:15 bells' and The Toon will have 2,500 in The South Stand (cud have been more of course but we ('disgracefully') 'knocked them back' for an extra 800 tickets that they offered us?)

We're settin' off in half an hours time for the 350 mile drive and of course a compeeehensive match and groundhoppers report will follow much later on Sunday---when we eventually get back!

Thursday 26 January 2012

NEW GROOND FOR NEW 'NUFC GROUNDHOPPERS'---LAST NEET!

Updated '9:00 pm bells' Friday 27th January 2012
The Toon resorves played Man U resorves @ Moss Lane, Altrincham last neet @ '7 bells' in the Premya Resorve Leegue North and I have to tell yoo that we lost 6-0 in this Altrincham Annihilation ! (not much more to say!---iz there?)

'The mad-sad groundhoppers' wernt there (thank god!) az we have done this groond some time ago, so we didn't need to gan back! (we're just 'part-time resorve hoppers'!)

We of course sent wor faithful 'Stop the Carrier Pigeon' reporter to this game (at great expense!-----two packets of 'Trill' bord seed!) and he got back this mornin' with the bad news
  
Remember wor motto:
"We'll bring yoo the news, second hand, forst!"

"COME IN NUMBER 18!"---"COME IN NUMBER 9!"

Posted '9:30 am bells' Thorsday 26th January 2012
"FROM AFRICA TO EWOOD!?"
"Sensational news from Africa!"----Senegal, one of the favorites to win the African Nations Cup were knocked oot of the competition by minnows Equitorial Guinea, when they lost 2-1 last neet,
which meens that number 18 Demba Cisse and number 9 Demba Ba on the above Senegal team photo, will be flyin' back to Tyneside MUCH ORLIER than expected and could even be selected to play against Blackborn away next Wednesday neet @ Ewood Park!?

We certainleee need them after 'The Catastrophe @ The Cottage' last Saturday! (see below!)

Wednesday 25 January 2012

LOYAL TOON FANS LET DOON YET AGAIN!!!

Updated:'high noon bells' Wednesday 25th January 2012
"CAN WE HAVE SOME MORE OF THEEEZE?---PLEEEEEZE!"
News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that NUFC DIDN'T take wor full allocation of tickets offered for Saturdays forthcomin' FA Cup tie away to Brighton, which sold oot within two days of gannin on sale last Thorsday.

This follows on from the decision to take wor minimum allocations of less than 2,000 for Man U, Man C and Norwich! (because we can't be bothered with the hassle of sellin' them, as the home club keeps aall the 'bit'!)

The followin' statement comes from the official website of Brighton. www.seagulls.co.uk
"Newcastle have not accepted their full allocation for Saturdays fourth round FA Cup tie, so the club is pleased to announce that an extra 5 per cent of tickets will be available to Albion supporters for this game". 

We've taken an allocation of 2,500 and were offered 800 more, BUT WE TORNED THEM DOON!!!!????
We've said it aall before!----it's a total disgrace! and many fans have been been let doon and left disappointed YET AGAIN!----

We had 4,000 fans @ Fulham last Saturday divvint forget! (Fulham sell the whole of The Putney End to away fans with ne extra charge for non sales, so we could buy as many as we wanted!)

"GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!--NUFC!!!"---

THE GEORDIE TIMES pageviews in the last month---include:

England---Scotland---USA---Venezuela---Russia---Canada---Austria---Australia---Ukraine---Wales---Holland---Northern Ireland---Republic of Ireland---Greece---Singapore---France---Norway and the Cayman Islands---

"HELLO TO YOO AALL!" 

Tuesday 24 January 2012

AMEX STADIUM------NEW LEAGUE GROOND!------100 HOURS TO GAN!!! (AND COONTIN'!)

Posted: '1:15 pm bells' Tuesday 24rd January 2012
"BEWARE!---WOR LASS'S ROLLIN' PIN!" 
Now the dust haz settled and we've dusted worselz doon afta wor second half  'horror show' @ Craven Cottage, it's time to 'move on' and regroup for 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' next forst team match @ Brighton in the FA Cup 4th roond on Saturday tea/beer! time which of course iz at a "NEW GROOND!"

The six month old American Express (Amex) Stadium in Falmer iz ne where near Brighton of course and if you gan by train, you, (apparently!) have to queue for at least an hour afta the match to get back to Brighton!

Because of yet another crazy kick off time of '5:15 bells' to satisfy the 'couch potatos' and 'pub plonkies', we cannit get back to 'The Toon' by rail az we would miss the last train from Kings Cross (London) back yem---SO!----we're reluctantlee travellin' doon in 'Norman the Cowboy Plumbers' 'Merc' and are plannin' to leave @ '7 bells' on Saturday mornin'! 

("Er!"---It's the Chinese new year parade on Sunday and wor lass haz booked a table at a restaurant in China Toon (next to St James') and I'm unda strict instructions to get back in time and NOT stay owerneet in 'The Smoke'!) (she's threatened me with hor rollin pin if a divvint make it!)

'The Cowboy Plumber' iz drivin' doon and the 'NOT so little old ME', who drew 'the short straw', iz drivin' back, which meens the latter cannit have much to drink! ("BOO! HOOO!")---
BUT! sacrafices HAVE to be made some times in the pursuit of 'tickin' a rare new league groond off the list! (and keepin' wor lass happy!)
NOT! an artists impression
of me and wor lass!

Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

Monday 23 January 2012

THE TOON v THE SMB's----ANOTHER HIGH NOON SHOOT OUT!

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 23rd January 2012

Not suprizingleee, wor forthcomin' home game against The SMB's haz been moved to a high noon Sunday kick off! (now on Sunday 4th March)
Wor home game against The Liverbirds haz been moved to a Sunday az well. (now @ 1:30 bells on April Fools day!)

Wor away game against The Arse haz aalso been moved to a Monday neet (now @ '8 bells' Monday 12th March) az haz the WBA game which iz now on a Sunday afternoon (now @ '4:00 bells' Sunday 25th March)----aall of course for the benefit of the telly (but NOT the fans) az per usual---For aall the fixture changes----see below

Sunday 22 January 2012

COTTAGE CATASTROPHE!-----THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS 5 THE TOON 2

Posted '10:30 am bells' Sunday 22nd January 2012

IF EVER there was a game of two halves then surely this was it at Craven Cottage yesterday!
The Toon, playin' in wor 'aall blacks' change strip, TOTALLY dominated the forst half az we kicked towards The Hammersmith End opposite to where we were housed and we missed many chances to gan aheed.
The invertible breakthrough came in the 42nd minute when number 8 Danny Guthrie hit an unstoppable shot from the edge of the box into the right corner of the net.
The floodgates would now surely open but we couldn't get another before the break and this proved decisive az the players left the pitch to a standin' ovation from the 4,000 Toon fans in The Putney End.

'Shell shocked' iz the anly way to describe the second half and it aall went 'pear shaped' in the 52nd minute when David Santon pulled doon Damian Duff on THE EDGE of the Fulham box and the ref influenced by the pony tailed linesporson (or whatever she's supposed to be caalled?) gave a penalty to the home side which was duly convorted by Murphy

We then completely 'imploded' with some absolutely shockin' defendin' by us and in less than 30 minutes, Clint Dempsey went on the rampage with a hat-trick of goals!
In between his hat-trick 'The Wacko Jackos' got another dodgy lookin' penalty, (scored by Zamora this time) and then Ben Arfa pulled one back for us in front of the travellin' fans with a mazy dribble.

However!---Dempsey had the final say and he got his thord in the last minute to make the scoreline an unbelievable 5-2 to them!

An absolutleeee devestatin' result for aall The Toon fans who were there and we aall shook wor heeds in disbelief az the ref blew for full time!
Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson,Coloccini, Santon, Ben Arfa, Guthrie (Perch 78), Cabaye (Gosling 83), Best (R Taylor 86), Shola Ameobi, Gutierrez 
Attendance: 25,692 (4,000 'shell shocked' Toon fans!)

Friday 20 January 2012

THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS OF FULHAM v THE TOON---TOMORROW!

Updated '6:20 am bells' Saturday 21st January 2012
"YI CANNIT 'WACK' THIS!"
This afternoon @ 3' bells' we're off to Craven Cottage for the sole purpose of viewin' the Wacko Jacko statue that stands alang side that otha Fulham great 'Johnny Haynes'. 
Wacko Jacko's claim to his statue iz that he once waalked across the muddy pitch to the dugoots on the far side of the groond, many moons ago, while Johnny Haynes made a 'mere' 658 appearences for the club spannin' 18 years, scorin' 'a paltry' 158 goals!---and I'm sure yooo'll agree that this pales into insignificance, compared to Wacko's 'achievement' of actually managin' to 'walk the walk' across the pitch!

"WHO ARE YOU?"

Az usual on trips to 'The Smoke' we're lettin' the train take the strain this mornin' and a full match (and liquid lubrication!) report will follow sometime tomorrow mornin'! 

The Geordie Times mad-sad groundhoppers forst visited Craven Cottage 34 years ago and we have 'dug up' this archive gem of a 'match report'? from that game in 1978 which iz reproduced below.

050 craven cottage fulham

(GROUND NUMBER 50)


Date of First Visit: 16th DECEMBER 1978


CRAVEN COTTAGE, LONDON


FULHAM 1 

NEWCASTLE UNITED 3 (Connolly, Withe, Shoulder)


(OLD) DIVISION TWO

ATTENDANCE: 8,575 (2,000 Toon fans)





“CRUFTS!---CRUFTS!---HERE WE COME!”



Chapter ONE:



"MESSIN' ABOUT ON THE RIVER!"





Wi'd caught the midneet train doon tih London for this one and arrived at aboot five in the mornin' totally 'cream crackered', as wi'd been on the hoy in the Toon on the friday neet az was usual.

‘Piper’ on the other hand had opted for the bus to Victoria instead az it was cheaper than the train and we arranged to meet him in central London at Snows bar aboot dinnertime-ish (‘Dinner’ bein’ a pint of flat bitter and---er!----Another pint of flat bitter!)


When wih got to Kings Cross wih headed for Euston for a wash 'n' brush up, before catchin' the forst tube of the day at ‘six bells’ tih Spitalfields Market for a few 'Arthur Scargills' (gargels!) in 'The Gun' which opened early for the market traders. (and us!)

It was six 'o' clock in the mornin' as ah stared blankly at mee pint of 'Londons finest' (i.e. flat as a fart and nee heed!) and it took iz aboot an hour tih drink it!.


Aa was feelin' 'Az rough az a badgers' az wih left the bar and wih made for the 'bright lights' of the 'West End' az wih did in them days.


Then, after a few more 'gargels' in 'Snows' and the 'Cockney Pride' wih heeded for the Thames az that's where Fulham play. (Beside it---NOT! in IT!)

Near tih the 'Hooses of Parliament End' there were pleasure boats offerin' cruises doon the Thames to The Tower of London' amongst other places.


Ah noticed that one of the boats had a bar on board---SO!---az yih dee!---wih decided tih become 'tourists' for the day and tek a trip doon the 'swanny' tih 'see the sights'!.


On board were a group of Scandinavian tourists, complete with obligatory  back packs and camraaz, and they spoke 'The Qweenz English' betta than us!..

We were taalkin' away amongst worsels when ah mentioned the word 'YHEM' in the conversation!.


Straight away, one of the group, who had owerhord iz, said:

"ARE YOO FROM NORWAY I THINK!" (Like ah say, they could speak 'wor lingo' better than us!)


"NAA!---NAA! HINNEY!----WIH COME FROM GEORDIELAND!", came the reply 'yorz truly'!.


"I NO OONDERSTAND WHAT YOO SAY?", came the reply from wor puzzled 'Laplandlian'! friend!.


Ah modirated mee language so shih could understand iz, and 'hoyed' a bit of 'The Qweenz Lingo' in for good measure!.


"OHH I SAIY!---WEE ARE FROM THEE NUWWCARSSIL REEGON OHV THEE YOONIGTED KEENGDUM--- AACT-TU-LEE!". (Translation: "Oh I say!---we are from the Newcastle region of the United Kingdom---actually"!)


Shih understud that!, and said: "OH!---IT'S JUST THAT I HEARD YOO SAY 'YHEM'!---THIS IS NORWEIGAN FOR 'HOUSE'!".


Amazin'!---in't it?---'YHEM' meens 'HOOSE' in Norweigan AND 'Geordie'!. (It's a smaall world!)


Ah explained this too hor, and heeded for the 'bar' tih catch the lads up, az the 'gadgie' was just pullin' off the forst 'Arthurs'! behind the coonta!. (Ah wonder what 'GARGEL' meens in Norweigan???)

Az the boat set off the tourists lined the decks and the tour guide started tellin' them aboot the history of London toon. (We of course 'lined the bar'!)

"On your right is the Houses of Parliament"-----"and on your left is Big Ben"!, she announced ower the rather 'loud', loudspeakers, to hor enthraaled audience, who were clickin' their camraz for their 'prized? pictures??.

(The anly thing that WE were 'clickin', were wor fingers towards the barman, tih summon him for some more 'liquid refreshment'!) (az yih dee!)

Next stop was 'Towa Bridge and afta a quick 'sauntee' unda it's raised draa-bridge, we eventually arrived at the 'Towa of London' some six pints and half an hour later! (We wor'nt very fast drinkers in them days!)

The 'Beefeaters' were oot in force az we disembarked doon the gang plank back tih 'terra firma' and az the Norweigans rushed towards the 'towa' (click!--click!--click!), we rushed towards the nearest booza which wi'd 'clocked' in the distance (sup!--sup!--sup!) az it was fast approachin' 'first bells'! (er!--ah think yih can guess the rest!?)





Chapter TWO:

"IT’S A DOGS LIFE!"



Much later we arrived at a waaterin' hole aboot five mins waalk from Fulham's groond and after a couple of 'Arthurs' who should mek an appearance, but 'Piper' who'd made his aan way tih London by bus. (Whey!---NOT exactly by 'bus'!)------(reed on!)(REED ON!)

He was covered in cement dust from heed tih foot and looked in a reet state---much worse than what he normally was!

"PIPER!", one of the lads shooted---"WHERE THE HELL HA' YIH BEEN?---LIKE!---YIH COVERED IN CEMENT DUST!"

"IT'S A LANG LANG STORY!---AALL TELL YIZ ABOORIT AFTER A'V HAD A GARGEL, COZ MEE MOOTH'S LIKE 'GANDEES FLIPFLOP'!, said 'the man in yellowy-white' az he dusted himsel doon at the coonta!



'PIPER' (in his aan words) (afta scratchin' hiz scalp and shakin' hiz heed tih get rid of his newfoond 'dandruff'!)

-------------"GULP!"------------------------"GULP!"------------------------------"GULP!"         ---------"GULP!"--------------"GULP!"--------------------------------"G-U-L-P!"

"AAAHHHH!---that's berra!" 

"WELL!---Like ah say!--it's a lang story!---so here gans!"

"Ah was travellin' doon on the midneet 'Rapede' from Gallowgate bus station and ah asked the driver, "Are yih gannin doon?" (tih the match) and he replied, "Aye!--hop on!", and he tore the stub off mee ticket az ah boarded".

"However!---ah thought it was a bit strange az ah took mee seat coz there were loads of aad biddies with 'blue rinses' aalso gettin' on?" (NOT! yih usual futbaall 'crowd')

"Some of them had their pet pooches with them and then one 'wifey' sat doon next to iz with a geet big shephard, which immediately plonked it's sel doon in the alley way! and started lickin' it's owners feet!" (A jorman 'shepherd'---NOT! Freddy Shepherd!)

Ah could'nt work it oot?--but!---afta a 'heavy' neet 'on the hoy', ah could'nt be bothered tih strike up a conversation and ask hor!"       



"Ah quickly 'crashed oot' (ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!)-----and sometime later awoke ootside the 'Bullring' shoppin' centre in Birmingham------F***** BIRMINGHAM!???----the Toon were playin' in LONDON!"

"DRIVER!", ah shooted az ah hurried doon the front of the bus, "THE TOON ARE PLAYIN' FULHAM---NOT! 'VILLA'!---WHERE THE F***** HELL ARE YIH GANNIN--LIKE???"

His reply sent 'shivaz doon mee spine'!

"CRUFTS DOG SHOW!!!"---"Where di yi think???" 

Aa hesitated for a moment in total disbelief and replied at the top of mee voice!---"WHI GANNIN WHERE!?"---CRUFTS  F*****' DOG SHOW!???----STOP THE BUS!---A'M GETTIN' OFF!"

At this point the driver 'slammed the anchors on' and opened the door!  One aad biddy 'piped up'(sic!), "Actually it's not Crufts Dog Show that we're going to, it's a dog show where Crufts is held!" (EH!) (Well!---THAT meks a difference---DOES'NT IT!?)

"Luckily ah was'nt too far from the 'M6' and 'Spaghetti Junction', so ah said mee goodbyes tih the jorman shepherd, jumped off the bus and heeded there tih thumb a lift."

"After a few fruitless minutes a 'Blue Circle' cement lorry pulled up and he telt iz he was gannin tih 'the smoke' and that he'd giz a lift on one condition----ah had tih help him tip his load of bagged cement when wih got tih London!

"O.K.!", ah said, "YIV GORRA DEAL!"

"He nodded his approval, so ah climbed aboard--------------ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!---sometime later we arrived at a buildin' site somewhere in 'norf Landan' near Arsenal's groond, where wih had tih 'hand-baall' the whole 20 ton load ontih pallets coz they had nee 'fork lift'!---(SOME DEAL!)

"By the time we were finished ah was totally 'cream crackered', covered in cement and badly in need of some 'liquid refreshment!', so ah heeded for a bar in Fulham Palace Road and bumped intih a few of the lads and the conversation went sommik like this!"



"PIPER!"---WHERE THE HELL HA' YIH BEEN?---LIKE!---YIH COVERED IN CEMENT DUST!?"

  

"IT'S A LANG STORY!---SO HERE GANS!"

"Ah was travellin' doon on the midneet 'Rapede' from Gallowgate buZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!"





Chapter THREE:

"BETTA LATE THAN NEVA!"



Az mentioned, we were in a booza within' a 'stones throw' of Craven Cottage, so an extra 'Arthur' was on the cards when one of the lads asked iz if a wanted a quick 'gargel' at 'half two bells'.

(NO! prizes for guessin' mee answer tih THAT one!)

Ten mins later and with empty glasses in front of us, we had nee option but tih heed for the match. (az yh dee!)



Afta a quick visit tih the 'tool shed' (tih shake hands with the 'unemployed'!)(work it oot!) wih 'staggered' ootside---and---horror upon horror!----the floodlights could be seen doon the road ---BUT!---they were aboot the size of  broon ale bottles!---in other words the groond was f***** miles away and by my calculations it would tek wih a good twenty minutes tih waalk it and by this time there was anly ten minutes tih kick off!.

In them days we were aall aboot five stone lighter than what we are nuw, so wih decided tih 'jog' doon the road tih try and mek the start, but with two gallons plus of 'liquid refreshment'  sloshin' aboot inside wih, (minus the 'tool shed' stops!) this 'idea' was 'aborted' afta approximately TEN SECONDS!



In otha words---there was nee way wi'd get there for 'three bells' and wi'd just have tih hope that wih did'nt miss any goals!

Wor 'HOPES' fell on 'deef lugz', for az wih got within a hundred yards of the tornstiles a big roar went up from the crowd, but wih did'nt naa who'd scored so wih quicked wor pace up tih 'jog standard' once more, then aall of a sudden anotha roar went up---so that was TWO goals wi'd missed!.



Unbelievibly!---az wih payed wor 'bit' at the gate yet ANOTHA! roar went up and wih ran up the stairs tih the terraces (totally oot of breath!) prayin' that wih would'nt miss anymore goals!

A tapped a kidda on the shoulder when wih finally reached the terraces (some five minutes late!) and asked him, "PANT!--PANT!--PANT!---WHAT'S THE SCORE MATE!?--PANT!--PANT!"

"TWO-ONE TIH THE TOON", came the reply, "CONNOLLY AND WITHE GOT WORS AND CHRIS GUTHRIE GOT THEIRS!" (ex Toon player)



So at least mee worst fears that we were loosin' three-nowt were'nt true, but the fact that a'd missed two of wor goals put a bit of a 'dampener' on it for me!

But would there be anymore score?---knaain' my luck there would'nt be, but at least we were in the match!---betta late than neva!---ah suppose!

The rest of the forst half was 'to and fro', but there were nee mare goals and we went in two-one at the break.



Ah had a quick look aroond Craven Cottage at half time and a more 'picturesque' settin' for a futbaall groond would be hard tih find. 

Tih mee left was the River Thames which meandered slowely past the Riverside Stand (mee finx a'v been there before?) and tih mee right was the 'cottage' that gave the groond it's name which nestled in the corner and it aalso doubled up az the dressin' rooms!. (A little gem!)



The second half started and mee 'dream goal' was'nt lang in comin' when a fine effort from Alan Shoulder put us three-one up and ah had sommik tih celebrate at last! (Cheers Alan!)

This iz the way it stayed and we went away happy that at least a'd seen a qwaata of the goals scored!

And the moral of this story iz: 'If someone tellz yih that the groond iz anly five minutes doon the road, divvint tek their word for it!---CHECK IT OOT YIHSEL!!!

Wih heeded for Piccadilly again afta the match  tih frequent the usual 'haunts' of 'The Cockney Pride' and 'Snows'---etc!---etc!---etc!---etc!

Wih got the midneet 'paper train' az usual back yhem az usual and 'Piper' (believe it or not!?) got the reet bus this time at Victoria! (tih the Toon this time---NOT! 'Crufts'

©Fink™ The mad-sad grJundhJpper!

For the benefit of 'non-Geordie' readers 'click' onto 'Geordie Glossary of Terms 'A' to 'Z' in the right hand column>>>>>>

THE TOON U18's 2 WATFORD U18's 1-----------------------------------------------BRIGHTON TICKETS ON SALE

Updated '11:00 am bells' Friday 21st January 2012
Two 'wonder strikes' in front of a sparse crowd huddled into The East Stand and Milburn Stand directors box on a freeeeeezzzzzin' cold neet, were enough for The Toons youngins to progress to roond five of The FA Youth Cup.  

Goal one came in the 24th minute when a 'one-two' between Adam Campbell and Dennis Knight foond Michael Hoganson and he hit a brill shot across the box to beat the Hornets keeper and give us the lead @ The Leazes End.

It was then 'good knight' Watford just two minutes later az Knight doubled wor lead with a great solo run to break the visitors hearts.
HT 2-0

The Hornets fought back in the 2nd half and pulled one back in the 80th minute when Micheal Kalu heeded in from a corner to send wor pulses racin' az the last thing we wanted waz half an hours extra time az we sat frozen to wor seats!

Thankfully that didn't happen and 'Good Knight's' goal proved to be decisive and we hurried towards the warmth of The Newcastle Arms on the final whistle for some celebratereeee 'Arthur Scargills' (gargels!)
Attendance: just 889 (half a dozen Watford)

FA CUP TICKET NEWS
Tickets for wor forthcomin' game against Brighton a week tomorrow are nuw on sale to season ticket holders---£24 for grown ups  and various lower prices for zimmerframites, teenage mutant toonies and young sprogs!

Thursday 19 January 2012

THE TOON U18's v WATFORD U18's---FA YOUTH CUP---TONEET!

Posted '9:45 am bells' Thorsday 19th January 2012
'GAZZA', JOE ALLEN & SQUAD WITH THE  FA YOUTH CUP

Toneet @ St James' Park wor youth team tek on Watford's equivelent in the 4th roond of The FA Youth Cup.
Kick off iz @ '7 bells' and anly The East Stand will be open and admission iz three poond for big kids and one poond fifty for little kids and very old kids!---so get yerselz alang and cheer the youngins on!
Shud we win, we will have another home tie in the next roond when we will take on the QPR 'rag and bone boys' of Shepherds Bush (hopefully!)

Memories of the final in May 1985 come floodin' back az we beat Watford in the final 2nd leg @ Vicarage Road 4-1 to lift the trophy, when a certain person caalled 'Gazza' played for us and scored a fantastic goal from 30 yards oot! (remember him!?)

Toon youth coach of that time, Maurice Setters said, "You'll have to wait a thousand years to see that again!", in reference to 'Gazza's' wonder strike!
(the forst leg @ St James' had ended goalless by the way!)

'The Geordie Times' waz there that Friday neet in May and aa remember that the next day we were off to Norwich for a forst team game @ Carrow Road where we drew 0-0

Footnote: We havvent won the Youth Cup since then, so lets hope that we DIVVINT have to wait another thoosand years to win the trophy again! (somehow aa divvint think we'll be aroond by then!)

Wednesday 18 January 2012

IT'S BRIGHTON!---"OH I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE!"

Updated '10:45 pm bells' Wednesday 18th January 2012
WREXHAM  1     BRIGHTON  1(aet) BRIGHTON won 5-4 on Penalties!

 WE GOT WOR WISH AND 'THE TOON' WILL PLAY @ THE AMEX STADIUM, BRIGHTON IN THE 4th ROOND OF THE FA CUP ON SATURDAY 28th JANUARY @ '5:15 BELLS'
THIS WILL BE A NEW GROOND FOR THE NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS!
"YAAAHOOOO!"

Oot of the other 31 teams left in the FA Cup there are anly THREE groonds that we havvent been te before.
The New Den @ Millwall, Crawley (whatever their groonds caalled?) and (of course!) The Amex Stadium @ Brighton!
This will be wor forst new groond for a forst team competitive game for nearly a year and a half! (Accrington Stanley's Crown Ground in the League Cup was the last one in August 2010!)

AMERICAN EXPRESS STADIUM, BRIGHTON?----------OR!---------THE RACECOURSE GROOND, WREXHAM?

Posted '5:45 pm bells' Wednesday 18th January 2012
Toneet we will find oot wor oppon-ents in the next roond of the FA CUP when Wrexham meet Brighton in a thord roond replay in north Wales

For the benefit of wor owerseas reeeders we will publish any score 'az it happens'----so 'watch this space' from '7:15 bells' GMT til the final whistle!

'The Geordie Times mad-sad groundhoppers' will be roootin' for Brighton to win for TWO very good reasons.
1: We've been to The Racecourse Groond on a few occasions but have NEVER! won there! (the forst time waz an FA Cup disaster in 1978 when we lost 4-1 !)  
Whereaz The American Express (AMEX) Stadium  will be a NEW GROOND for us if ? it's them!
2: Wrexham are now a NON LEAGUE CLUB which is NOT good news az far az we are concerned, az we've had many bad expieriences playin non leaguers before! (Don't mention the 'H' word!)

A NUMBER 9 AT LAST!---DEMBA 'MARK II' SIGNS FOR TOON FROM JAWMAN CLUB ! -------NEIN!"---"NEIN!"---"NEIN!"

Updated 2:50 pm bells' Wednesday 18th January 2012
THE 'CISSE-CO' KID!

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' (a day late az usual!) that we have signed a new centre forward who will wear the 'coverted' number nine black 'n' white striped shirt.
His name iz Papiss DEMBA Cisse and he haz signed from Jawman club Freiburg for a reported fee of £7.5 million.
Like Demba Ba he iz on African Nations Cup duty for Senegal and so won't be available to play for a while yet.
This season he has scored nein (sorry!) NINE! goals in the Bundesliga to tek hiz total to 37 goals in 65 starts! (This compares favourably with his namesake who scored 37 times in 97 appearences for Hoffenheim before hiz move to Tyneside!) 
BACK PAGE OF TONEETS 'RONNY GILL'

Papiss Cesse haz revealed the 'lightnin' pace' of hiz move to NUFC from Bundesliga side Freiburg.
The African was determined to make the move to St James' Park, and travelled through the neet in order to make it happen and become The Toon's new number 9.
Cisse said today, "It's been very quick!---An agreement was only finalised between the two clubs at '8 bells' last night<(or words to that effect!) and then I headed to Newcastle.
I was told to be at the airport at 10pm so I had little opportunity to do much" 

In otha news, Wrexham's game against Brighton last neet was caalled off because of a frozen pitch and they will try again toneet @ '7:15 bells' to see just who plays The Toon in the next roond of the FA Cup!------We wait with 'baited breath' to see just where we will be gannin @ '5:15 bells' on the 28th of this month? (the game will be live on ESPN)

Sunday 15 January 2012

THE TOON 1 THE SHEPHERD'S BUSH RAG AND BONE MEN RANGERS 0--------------"STEPTOE RIDES AGAIN!"

Updated 9:00 pm bells' Sunday 15th January 2012
QPR SUPPORTERS CLUB
"NOOOCARRSILL!---HERE WE COME!"

The sole reason for wor game against 'The Steptoe Rag and Bone Men of Shepherds Bush', bein' televised live on Sky @ 1:30 bells today, was because of the retorn of Joey Barton to The Toon!
HE WASN'T!---coz he got sent off against Norwich on January 3rd for a heed butt on Bradley Johnson and waz banned! 
Aaltogether now!---"There's only NONE Joey Barton!"

However!---another familiar face waz there in the shape of Mark Hughes who replaced Neil Warnock az their new manager last week and we (did'int!) wish him well!

Just under 50,000 were inside the groond when the game kicked off, which isnt bad when you consider that the game was live on the telly and against unattractive opposition and at a cr*p kick off time!

We didn't start off well and QPR came at us 'hammer and tongs' in the forst ten minutes and had a couple of chances to gan aheed!

In the 20th minute Yohan Cabaye waz disgracefully fouled by Shaun Derry, but the QPR player got off with just a yellow card, while Cabaye had to be stretchered off the pitch!
Chris Foy the ref got it totally wrang I'm afraid and shud be sent to the gallows @ The Gallowgate End for hiz incompetence (if only they were still there!)

We withstood this 'barrage' and in the 37th minute we broke the deadlock when Leon Best fired home  a great effort from just inside the box @ The Leazes End to send us in 1-0 up at the break!

More bad tackles followed in the 2nd period from 'The Rag and Bone Merchants', but we 'kept wor cool' and despite Mark Hughes 'kick em hard' team tactics, we held on to take the three points and send us up to =5th  

The results of course certainly went wor way ower the weekend and wor win today took us above 'The Liverbirds' and into equal FIFTH with 'The Arse' who lost 3-2 away to Swanzee!

Toon team: Krul, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon, Gutierrez, Guthrie, Cabaye (Ben Arfa 25), R Taylor (Gosling 81), Best (Perch 75), Shola Ameobi
Attendance: 49,865 (1,500 Steptoes')

The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge

We started off @ 'The Five Swans' near The Haymarket this mornin' @ '11 bells' for the forst 'gargels'
This used to be caalled 'Lucky's Bar', and waaterin hole number SIXTY FIVE on wor seeminglee neva endin' jorney waz indeed a 'lucky one' for us az it torned oot!
Withoot borin' yoo to bits, we did a few 'celebratereee' boozers after the match and by the end of the neet @ 'The Old George', wor Geordie Times pub total came to SEVENTY! (anly THORTY to gan!) 

More to follow on this tomorrow!-----when we (eventually!) sober up!

Footnote: For those of yoo who are tooo young to remember or wernt even born, Steptoe and Son was a 'rag and bone men' comedy series in the 1960's based in the Shepherds Bush area of London, where QPR play!---so nuw yi naa! 

Saturday 14 January 2012

ST JAMES' PARK SINCE 1880---AND AALWAYS WILL BE!------------------WOT THE PAPERS SAY!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 14th January 2012
TAKEN FROM LAST NEETS 'RONNY GILL'


Yet more ramifications <(whatever that meenz?) of the 'attempted' name change of St James' Park are deein' the roonds with Newcastle City leaders puttin' in their 'penneez-worth' of comments.

For the benefit of Geordie exiles aroond the world (and beyond!) 'The Geordie Times' haz reprinted extracts from an article printed in last neet's 'Ronny Gill'

Quote:
'The Fat Controller' < (or words to that effect!) has been told that he will receive NO support from Newcastle Council in his efforts to rename St James' Park.
City leaders at the council have passed a motion calling on 'The Fat Controller' < (owtte!) to reverse his decision in light of widespread fan opposition.
Labour and Liberal Democrat politicians united behind a motion which will see the council REFUSE to change street signs to reflect the clubs decision to rename the ground.
The motion, agreed UNANIMOUSLY, says the council officially agrees with "the overwhelming majority of supporters who believe this is the wrong decision" 
It adds: "Council confirms that it has NO plans to change existing way finding signs which bear the name 'St James Park' and call on the club to reconsider it's decision"
The council motion also commits city officers to write to media organisations asking them to hold back from referring to the ground as 'yee naa wot'<(or words to that effect!)

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