Saturday 27 February 2016


Posted '10:33am bells' Saturday 27th February 2016


For the 2nd week in a row and 7th weekend this season we find worsels withoot a game--this time it's due to Man City's participation in the Leegue Cup final tomorrow afternoon!

Accordin' to NUFC's latest 'newsletter' we are "Doing ok!" and "NO need to panic!"---This iz for a team that finds itself in a relegation place with anly 12 games to 'save wor skins'!

With 4 of the 5 relegation threatened teams playin' TWICE before we play Stoke away on Wednesday neet, we could find worsels in deep deep trouble come Wednesday mornin'!

Steven Taylor trotted oot the usual bile, when he said: "We must stand up and be counted!" and "Lets do away with defeats!"  (16 defeats oot of wor last 20 away, by the way, Steve!)

The friendly win ower Lillestrom of Norway last Saturday in a field in Spain haz been ower-hyped to the extreme!

The way McClaren and the players have went on aboot it, yoo would have thought that we'd beaten Real Madrid or Barcelona!---not a part time outfit from a mediocre leegue, who hadn't played for 2 months and had finished 8th last season (their season doesn't begin til March)

"Buryin' your heed in the sand!" iz a phrase that comes to mind!

Friday 26 February 2016


Posted '2:15pm bells' Friday 26th February 2016


The latest roond of live telly fixtures for April have just been announced and we have to tell yoo that The Toon feature in NONE OF THEM!

This iz a huge relief az we fully expected wor relegation game away to Norwich would be switched to a Munday neet---but it will now be played on it's original Saturday 3 bells start!

The fixtures picked are up until May, which meenz that anly 2 more games can be moved for live transmission, which are Villa away and Man City @ SJP

Wor trip to Lestaa (March Munday neet fixture) and at home to the SMBs (March Sunday dinnaatime fixture)  are the anly live games up till that date!

Wednesday 24 February 2016


Posted '12:40pm bells' Wednesday 24th February 2016

It's time to dig into the archives again and this one iz 'a classic' from an FA Cup tie at Reading more than a qwaataa of a century ago, when! we aall got a bit inebriated!---just a 'little bit'!

091 elm park, reading

(Ground number 091 (revisited)
Date of Visit: 27th January 1990
Elm Park, Reading
Reading  3
Newcastle United  3  (McGee (2), Quinn)
FA Cup 4th round
Attendance: 11,989 (est 2,000 Toon fans)
“Wheaze keyz are theaze?”

Several of us set off from ‘The Central’ on an orly train to King’s Cross sufferin’ from hangowers from the previous neet ‘binge session’ in ‘The Forth’, ‘The Star’ and ‘The Waterloo’, etc
We’d played ‘The Biscuitmen’ @ Elm Park for the forst time ever in The Leegue Cup orlier that season when we lost 3-1 and unbelievably we drew them away again in the FA Cup!
On arrival in ‘the smoke’ we made for Paddington where the train to Reading waz leavin’ from. Elm Park wasn’t far from the station and we did several ‘liquid lubrication locations’ on the way and by the time we got to the ground we were ‘canny snozzled’!
We took up wor places on the open standin’ terrace behind the goal, just in time to see the kick off.
Behind this open end there were a row of terraced hooses with their back gardens backin’ onto the perimeter wall. An old wifey waz hangin’ hor washin’ on a line, which included a very large pair of ‘pantaloons’! <(bloomers!) which she fastened with some clothes pegs she had in hor mouth!
The game kicked off and straight away The Toon went for the ‘jugular’. After a few chances we finally took the lead in the 27th minute when a Ray Ranson free kick on the edge of the box foond the heed of Mickey Quinn and he nodded the baall goalwards. The baall went in off the post az the Reading goalie got a hand to it, but couldn’t stop it enterin’ the net! --- 1-0 to ‘us’!
The lead didn’t last lang however az Bjorn Kristensen lost possession and the baall finally fell to the feet of full back Lindon Jones and he fired the baall past Burridge in the Toon goal --- 1-1!
A quick throw in a few minutes later allowed ‘Quinny’ to have a ‘half shot’ which foond the grateful Mark McGee and he had the simple task of puttin’ the baall into an empty net to restore wor lead az their goalie went ‘AWOL’! ---2-1 to ‘us’!
Disaster them befell us again on the stroke of half time when ‘Quinny’ attempted a back pass to ’Budgie’ Burridge but the baall foond Senior instead and he slid the baall into the net az Stimpson tried to whack it clear, but the linesman flagged to say that the baall HAD crossed the line! --- 2-2 nuw!
Again we re-took the lead orly in the 2nd half when a Ranson left footed shot waz parried by Francis in the Reading goal, but the baall fell nicely to Mark McGee who gleefully knocked home the rebound! –3-2 to ‘us’!
However!---this iz NUFC and 3 minutes into injury time the home side again drew level when a disastrous 40 yard back pass from John Gallacher, who waz under ne pressure, foond Reading winger Gilkes instead and he had the easy task of knockin’ the baall past Burridge to complete the greatest give-away since the invention of the January sales!!!
After the match we heeded straight back to Reading station and caught the forst train back to Paddington, where (again!) a canny few pints were shifted doon wor ‘gregorys’ and it waz at this point we lost ‘Fawlty Towers’ who waz a bit ‘cattle-trucked’ to say the least!
It waz then ‘onward’ to Hammersmith where we bumped into ‘Malla’, an exiled Geordie who worked in London az a painter and desercrator <(No!—this iz not a spellin’ error!) alang with several other exiles who worked doon there. Malla used to de hand drawn cartoons aboot the exploits of hiz fellow companions and called it “ER!” ‘The Geordie Times’! <(where we got the name from for this blog!)
Malla had digs opposite Charing Cross Hospital on Fulham Palace Road and he telt me aa could ‘doss’ there for the neet before catchin’ the train yem the next mornin’!
After many more ‘liquid lubrications’ in ‘The Swan’ and various othaa waaterin’ holes aroond Hammersmith we heeded off to ‘Malla’s pad for some much needed ‘shut-eye’---he said “This iz where aa live!” az he pointed towards a row of aboot 30 terraced hooses opposite Charing Cross Hospital and he invited me in!
“Aa’m starvin’!” said I (haadin’ mee beer-gut!) az Malla produced a very large bunch of keys to open the door! “There’s a fish shop and a chingkeez doon the road if yi want a ‘nose bag’!—Here’s the keys to let yersel back in!”, he said az he handed them to me (There were keys for hiz hoose, van and place he waz workin’ amongst others!)
So ‘off aa went’, trundlin’ doon the road from side to side and by pure chance aa bumped into ‘Tex’ Taylor who had been drinkin’ with us orlier on!
“Aa’m stoppin’ at Malla’s place up the road!”, aa said to Tex, “But aa’m gaannin for a ‘nose-bag’ forst coz aa’m claamin’—like!”
He followed me to ‘the chingkeez’ where 2 chicken currys with chips, fried rice and wontongs were consumed on the way back to Malla’s hoose and aa spilt half the curry sauce doon the front of mee Toon top!
The anly problem WAZ!---aa couldn’t remember which door it waz???—Aa took a wild guess and tried the keys in a front door lock, but it wouldn’t turn ---and so aa knocked loudly and sleepy eyed gadgie built like a Masai warrior who waz wearin’ a dressin’ gown and  a snazzy pair of carpet slippers (eventually!) came doon and answered the door <(ie: NOT Malla coz he’s a skinny c**t!) and he waz ‘non too pleezed’ to be awoken from hiz slumbers by 2 drunken Geordies! --“Sorry mate!—wrang hoose!” aa said sheepishly az he angrily slammed the front door in wor faces, mutterin’ sommik not very nice in a broad ‘Landan’ accent! <(“Fackin’ Cockney bustard!”)
Not wantin’ to risk anothaa confrontation like that! and not havin’ a clue which waz Malla’s door, we decided to try and find somewhere else to kip for the night and heeded off back doon the road!
“Aa naa where there’s some railway sidings---We can climb into a carriage and get some sleep on the seats!”, said Tex
And so---‘off we set’ to find wor beds for the neet---it wasn’t that far away and so we sneaked onto a train in the sidings and ‘crashed oot’! “ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!”
Aboot 2 hours later aa felt a ‘jolt’ and opened mee ‘mincers’ and looked oot the window---
“TONY!” aa shouted <(Tex’s othaa name) “THE PLATFORM’S MOVIN’!”
Tex awoke suddenly and said, “It’s NOT the platform that’s movin’ yi daft C***!---It’s the F***IN’ TRAIN!”
PANIC STATIONS!!!—The train went for a few miles and suddenly stopped at Harringay Station!---It waz time to make A SHARP exit az we didn’t have a clue just where the train waz gannin’!
On alighting from the train aa fumbled in mee pocket and produced a large bunch of keys which I damgled in front of Tex
“Where did yi get them from?” he said  “Aa havvent got a clue?”  aa replied in a drunken stupor and az they were weighin’ mee pocket doon aa hoyed them away onto the railway tracks!
We then made wor way in the direction of King’s Cross, az by this time it waz ‘5 bells’ in the mornin’ and the forst train back yem waz due in!  Az we sobered up around aboot the Durham area the realisation ‘HIT ME’ that the ‘MYSTERY KEYS’ were wot Malla had given me to get into hiz flat!!!
Luckily! <(for me!) there were ne mobile phones in them days and Malla didn’t have my land-line number, so he couldn’t rant and rave at me!---until the next time we met at least!
Next day aa went doon to ‘The North British Bar’ (since renamed ‘Raffertys’) in Pink Lane near to ‘The Central’ where a’d arranged to meet Fawlty Towers’ who we’d lost at Paddington the day before and had never seen since!?
On orderin’ mee ‘liquid lubrication’ the ‘telling-bone’ rang behind the coontaa and the manager asked if there waz a ‘Fink’ in the bar! <(remember?---NE mobiles in them days!)
Aa reluctantly put mee hand up and hoped (and prayed) that it WASN’T Malla on the othaa end!---Thankfully It WASN’T—it waz ‘Fawlty’ to my great relief!
“Are yi comin’ doon for a a few ‘gargels’?” aa asked him!
“A’m in SOUTH WALES!---aa got the wrang train!—thought aa waz in King’s Cross, NOT Paddington and ended up in CARDIFF!”  <(yi couldn’t make it up!)
“SO!—yi NOT comin’ for a drink then!”, aa replied az he slammed the phone doon at the othaa end!
A few weeks later in ‘The Adelphi’ aa bumped into Malla ,  who waz non too pleased to see me!  “Where’s mee keys like?” he said in a not too friendly voice!
Wot could aa say???---aa just shrugged mee shoulders and bought him a pint to calm him doon!
“Aa had to get some new keys cut for mee hoose, van and work and mee landlord and work’s gaffer were NOT ‘happy bunnies’ when aa telt them a’d lost their keys!”
However!---He understood (from forst hand experience!) that the ravages of alchohol de funny things to your brain cells and he haz half forgiven me! <(Aa ‘fink’?)
To this day aa caall him “Wheayz Keyz Malla” and produce a bunch of rattlin’ keys from mee pocket when aa see him---just to remind him---like! <(NOT that he’ll ever forget!)
PS: We won the replay 4-1 with Mark McGee (2), Micky Quinn and Mark Robinson getting’ wor goals---(this waz Robinson’s one and anly goal for NUFC)
We never played @ Elm Park again <(Reading have moved on to ‘pastures new’)



Monday 22 February 2016


Posted '10:00am bells' Munday 22nd February 2016

For those of yoo who have nowt better to de this afternoon , wor U21s are takin' on Fulham's @ Blue Flames, Benton in a U21 Leegue game @ '1:00 pm bells'!
Admission iz FREE of course to season ticket holders and members!

Updated Tuesday dinnaatime


An inexperienced  Toon resorve side lost 3-0 @ Benton yesterday afternoon, wor 3rd home defeat on the spin in front of a 176 'crowd'?---and in a 'mirror image' of the forst team, they sit precariously in 3rd bottom position of the FA Premyaa U21s Leegue!

The U21s last 2 home games of the season will be played @ SJP
(We have won NONE oot of the FIVE games played @ Blue Flames!)

Sunday 21 February 2016


Posted '10:17am bells' Sunday 21st February 2016

WIJNALDUM (dark strip, centre of goal) OPENS THE SCORIN' 
(spot the 'golf stand'!)

Wor 'waam weathaa' friendly against Lillestrom of Norway ended in a 2-1 victory for The Toon who used 17 players in total ('The Geordie Times' said we would use 22 at least!)

The game kicked off on 'Pitch 'A' of the La Manga complex with many ex pats in attendance
(ie: A field with a 'smaall golf stand' on one side!)

A very rare away goal for Gini Wijnaldum started the scorin' when he rounded the Lillestrom keeper to put us 1-0 up after just 3 minutes---(anly hiz 2nd away goal since he scored in a pre season friendly v Sheff U last July!)

However!---and this iz typical of us, the lead anly lasted 5 mins when the team clad in yellow equalised through a toe poke from one of their forwards! (We played in wor dark blue away strip)

A thouroghleee unentertainin' game ended in victory when Aarons flicked a great loopin' heeder ower the Lillestrom defence to claim the victory against a team who haven't played for 2 months and finished 8th in the Norwegian Premyaa League last season (their season doesn't begin til March!)

But wot good this waam weathaa game against mediocre opposition will be, when we play Stoke next a week on Wednesday, in the freeezin' caad Potteries, iz anybody's guess??? (We are in limbo again next weekend az wor intended opponents, Man City are in Leegue Cup final action @ Wembley instead!)

After the match wor 'beloved'? manager waz 'chaired' aroond the pitch by the Toon players az he held a bottle of mineral waataa aloft to loud cheers and applause from the 600 'crowd' assembled! < (believe that and you'll believe anything McClaren says!)

PS: Non flyer 'Glennn from Ashington' waz the ANLY mad-sad groundhoppin' Toon fan we know of, who travelled ower for this meaningless game in a field---by train to Barcelona and bus to Mercia which took him many many hours!--He eethaa deserves a medal the size of a dustbin lid OR a straight jacket! (WOT do YEE reckon?)

Toon team: Elliot (Woodman 46), Janmaat (Sterry 65), Taylor, Lascelles, Gibson (Barlaser 82), Saivet, Shelvey (Gouffran 65), Toonsend (Aarons 65), Wijnaldum (Riviere 65), Perez, Dombia  * PS: Darlow waz in goal for the 1st half NOT Elliot!--apologeeez for this monumental missteak!

Attendance: just under 600 we hear! *

Saturday 20 February 2016


Posted '10:41am bells' Saturday 20th February 2016

In October aa got a letter from work which said aa would get a £250 Xmas bonus SHUD the company reach certain targets!

In December anothaa letter arrived on mee doormat which said that the 'target' had failed to be met, but az a gesture of 'goodwill' (az it waz Xmas!) aa would receive a £100 bonus instead in the form of shoppin' vouchers! (which waz spent by 'wor lass' on a new micro-wave oven!)

This iz despite me and othaas who work there, 'graftin' wor b*llocks off', workin' 12 hour shifts---in my case drivin' a truck from Gatesheed to Reddidch in deepest Worcestershire 4 nights a week, a 440 mile roond trip and (at least) 8 and a half hours drivin' time, Munday to Thorsday!

In complete contrast, take wor futbaall team who are withoot a fixture for the next 2 weekend coz we have been knocked oot of the 2 domestic cup competitions!
In the case of the FA Cup--the FOURTH year in a row we have been knocked oot at the forst hordle!

The players REWARD for wor disastrous season iz a aall expenses paid trip to La Manga in southern Spain for some waam weather train' and a friendly against Lillestrom of Norway this afternoon ('2 bells' GMT)  (If I had my way, they would have been off to northern NORWAY for this game after the 'performance'? against Chelski!--- ie: LAPLAND!)

The change of scenery we are told will do them the world of good, in this pollution free environment and of course a nice warm climate to play in! (and 3, 18 hole golf courses to pass the free time away!)

In complete contrast, wor next game iz away against 'The Piss Potters of Stoke' on a freeezin' caad March night---and I can tell yoo that this place definitely ISNT 'scenic' or 'pollution free' and haz 3 major duel carriageways suroondin' the groond which are aalway packed with traffic belchin' oot their fumes into the atmosphere!---and to top it aall!---hardly any pubs anywhere near the grooond!---a horrible place to visit---I can tell yoo!

ie: From a nice waam environment to a freeezin' caad 'hell hole' iz NOT the best preparation for wor next match ---iz it????

Anyway!--we have taken a 26 man squad to La Manga and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that at least 22 of them will feature in this meaningless friendly to be played on 'PITCH 'A' of the complex!

Apparently the game iz live on some Norwegian channel---if yoo can find it???

'The Wally (withoot) the Brolly' haz aalso set a new target of 40 points to avoid the dreaded drop---a far cry from the beginnin' of the season when he promised us a "Top 8 finish!" and "A go at one of the cups!"---empty promises from an EMPTY HEAD!


Thursday 18 February 2016


Posted '1:01pm bells' Wednesday 17th February 2016

Due to yet anothaa 3rd roond exit from the FA Cup (and therefore anothaa 'free weekend') The Toon have arranged a friendly in La Manga, Spain for this Saturday when we play Lillestrom of Norway

However the logistics <(we naa aall the big words!) of gettin' there (and back!) are too much and the price iz a canny  'wack' az well!

On top of that wor 'beloved' manager? (or shud that read 'beleaguered' manager?) haz said that it iz a BEHIND CLOSED DOORS game anyway! (yesterday's Chron)
Lillestrom have said that it's NOT!---we just don't know for certain! (would yoo take the chance?) and so therefore we have scuppered this plan!

It might not be played on a proper groond anyway az it could be on one of the many trainin' pitches in the Spanish resort instead!

However!---one very mad-sad groundhopper IZ tekin' the chance and iz travellin' by BUS which takes 30 hours to get there!!!!
'Non flyer' Glennn from Ashington iz hiz name and he must be completleee mad to even think aboot it!
Best of luck mate---hope yoo get in!

Updated Thorsday

It haz been conformed that spectators WILL be allowed in---but the downside iz that it will be played on 'PITCH 'A' rathaa than the main stadium---aall that way to watch a match in a field!

Monday 15 February 2016


Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 15th February 2016

The Toon attack The Harding Stand (far end)


Yet again we are sorry for the late postin' of yet anothaa catastrophic and sorry away result and of course we are sorry that we went to watch this sorry display!

5th min: 1-0 doon: A disastrous Tiote loses the baall in midfield to Willian and the baall iz passed to Costa who strides past Steve Taylor and hammers it past Elliot in The Toon goal!

8 mins: 2-0 doon and game over!---An attempted pass by Aarons to Janmaat finds Chelski's Pedro instead, who slots the baall past Elliot once again!

17mins: A 'cricket score' iz on the cards when Coloccini fails to win a pass---the baall ends up at Willian's feet and he sidefoots the baall past Elliot who haz ne chance to stop it!

18th minute: Some Toon fans who have paid £55 for a ticket have 'had enough' and exit their seats for the concourse below and some to the boozers on the Kings Road!

Half time: Somehow we manage to get to the break withoot concedin' again, az a fan in front of me tells me that he's 'off to 'Earls Court' for hiz orlyier than 'planned' post match drinks!

59th minute: It's 4-0 az Pedro fires home for hiz 2nd goal of the game!

60th minute: McClaren makes a rare 'sorte' to the technical area and bends hiz heed back to take a swig from hiz bottle of waataa az Shelvey begs him to give some instructions!---In response he scurries back to the away dug-oot to sit with hiz arms folded!

70th minute: Wor new 'super striker' Doumbia comes off the subs bench and fluffed hiz forst chance when he waz 'put through!--he looked az fit az 'me' and I'm 16 stone plus!  He did nowt else after this---now renamed 'Doom Bar' by the Toon faithful!
Action at The Shed End (2nd half)

4-0 doon and all some Toon fans can sing are songs aboot a certain mackem pead-ofile <(sorry for the wrang spellin'!) which had been sung many many times before, durin' the match! <(NE  songs aboot Toon players who were on the pitch though!--although they did sing the Chancel Mbemba song aboot "never givin' the ball away!"---he WASN'T even playin' lads and lasses!)

83rd min: 5-0 Traore shot---The final nail in wor coffin and enough to send us into the relegation zone once again--on goals conceded!

90th minute: 5-1 At last something to 'cheer' for the fans who were left inside the away end (not many!)--Andros Toonsend fires a left footer past Courtois in the home goal!

In hiz post match interview 'The Wally (withoot) the Brolly' unbelievably said:
"There's enough quality in there!---We have to show character and fight!" <(we DID lose 5-1---didn't we???)

After the match we heeded to the Bayswater part of London, where 'Doumbia'--sorry!--'Doom Bar' waz on the 'menu'---very appropriate under the circumstances!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Taylor, Coloccini, Aarons, Shelvey, Tiote (Lascelles 67) <(why a defender when we are losin' 4-0!?) Sissoko, Wijnaldum (Colback 46), Toonsend, Mitrovic (Doumbia 70)

Attendance: 41,622 (2,000 Toon fans at the start---1,000 at the finish!) *

The pre and post match gargels took place here!
Phoenix, Bayswater, London
The Rose,Chelsea

Bayswater, London
Kings Heed, Bayswater


Friday 12 February 2016


Posted '1:00pm bells' Friday 12th February 2016

We face wor last trip to 'the smoke' this season tomorrow, when we heed for Stamford Bridge in "west Landan" where we face 'The Chelski Pensioners' <(their original nickname!)

With aall the hype aboot the high ticket prices at Liverpool, it shud be noted that wors are a woppin' £55 (the same az last season!) for a view from behind the corner flag of 'The Shed End'
There are ne plans we understand to walk oot in the FIFTY FIFTH minute, but dependin' on the scoreline that could well happen anyway---shud wor abysmal away form continue!

The train prices arnt exactleee cheap eetha at £68 (that's WITH a railcard givin' 33% off!) and add in the cost of a hotel az we can't get back on the train (Match finishes approx. '7:20 bells'--last train from King's Cross tomorrow iz '7:50 bells'! due to line work (again!) --NE CHANCE of makin' it!

The thick end of £200 iz therefore required to attend this match when yoo add in food and drink and more drink!

"Why don't yoo stay here and watch it on the telly and save yourself a fortune, yoo daft idiot!" someone said to me in 'The Strawberry' last week!---why not indeed???

A full match report will appear here on eethaa Sunday neet or Munday mornin'!

PS: We have some 'Geordie Times' 'Tyne Bridge' T shirts in black for sale @ £10 each

Aall sizes from small to XL      
Pleeeze leave a comment in the comments box below and a contract number if yoo would like one!

Wednesday 10 February 2016


Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 10th February 2016

Lillestrom from Norway have conformed that they will play a friendly against NUFC a week on Saturday in La Manga in southern Spain! ('2 bells' British time---'3 bells' Spanish time)

We expected anothaa 'warm weather break' for The Toon az this seems to be an 'annual event' now, after gettin' knocked oot of the FA Cup at the forst hordle yet again! (Dubai last year!)

It's very short notice of course so it might not be possible to get flights at a reasonable price----we shall see and keep yoo posted!

PS: this game haz NOT been conformed by NUFC yet!--so "HAAD FIRE" if yoo are planning' to gan!

Tuesday 9 February 2016

U21s @ SJP *** TOONEET!

Posted '11:26am bells' Munday 8th February 2016


New boy Seydou Doumbia iz expected to make hiz Toon debut tooneet when wor U21s take on 'The P*ss Potters of Stoke U21s @ '7 bells'!
The game haz been switched from Benton to 'HQ' and The East Stand will be open for this game --which of course iz FREE to season ticket holders and members! (£3 non season ticket holders & £1 for sprogs & zimmerframeites!)

Unfortunateleee! 'yours trueleee' wont be there az av got to gan to 'graft'--but 'fear not'!--'The Geordie Times' will 'nick' a match report from some othaa publication and will publish it sometime tomorrow afternoon!

Remember wor motto:? "We will eethaa bring yoo the news of this game forst hand, second---OR! second hand, forst!"

Updated 'high noon bells' Tuesday

The U21s lost 2-1 in front of wor biggest home crowd for 4 years. James Sterry waz sent off after just 9 minutes when he gave a penalty away---which Stoke scored!

A penalty for The Toon 12 minutes later at the othaa end waz convorted by Barlaser!

New super striker Seydou Doumbia failed to make any impression and waz substituted at half time!!!

And then 13 minutes from full time a great shot from Stoke's Lewis Banks put the visitors back in front and we couldn't respond!

A 2-1 defeat, but more worryingly wor new striker that waz supposed to get us vital goals waz non existent!!!

Attendance: 1,413 <(not includin' 'me', az aa had to gan to graft and nick this report from elsewhere!) *

Sunday 7 February 2016


Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 7th February 2016

"IT'S A 'SIX'!"

On Friday in 'The Geordie Times' (see article below!) we said that it waz McClaren's 'last throw of the dice' and would we get a 'six' or a 'one'--and 'SIX' it waz!---Not goals, but the 1-0 win and 3 points gained dragged us oot of the relegation zone at the expense of Norwich who lost @ Villa!

We started off well and went for the Leazes goal time and time again, with several chances 'gannin a beggin' before Tiote broke the deadlock with a lang range effort in the 30th minute---or so we thought? az we celebrated in the seats----but horror upon horror!  Mason the ref went to consult hiz linesman and the goal waz chalked off az Mitrovic, who waz in an offside position, waz deemed to have blocked the sightlines of the West Brom goalie!

It waz aall smiles again though just 2 minutes later when a superb through baall from Jonjo Shelvey foond Mitrovic and he fired a fantastic shot into the back of the net!----Aa looked at the linesman on the far side, but he kept hiz flag doon this time and the goal stood!

We totally dominated this game and there were several chances to increase wor lead in the 2nd half --- Toonsend hit the post for example, but we couldn't find a 2nd goal and nearly paid the price at the end when 'Toon target' in the transfor window, Berahino, waz put through near the end but thankfully couldn't connect to a pass and the game waz won!

Every player played hiz part but Shelvey in particular waz ootstandin' with several pin-point passes in this totally one sided game!---If only we could play West Brom at home every week!---"IF ONLY!"

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Taylor, Coloccini, Aarons, Toonsend (Perez 88), Shelvey (Saivet 90), Tiote, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Mitrovic

50,152 (700 or so Baggie Troosers in level 7 of The Leazes End singin' (amongst othaa things) "Sh*t football my lord--sh*t football!" az their 'Tramp in a Tracksuit' manager (Pulis) looked on forlornly!
   PS: looked less than 50,000 to us? *

Friday 5 February 2016


Posted '1:36 pm bells' Friday 5th February 2016
"SIX! ---OR!---ONE!?"


Followin' on from Wednesday debacle @ Goodison Park we find worsels in a perilous position with a must! must! MUST! win game against WBA @ SJP tomorrow afternoon.

The tramp in a tracksuit (Tony Pulis) will no doubt try and 'park the bus' to gain a valuable point for the visitors, which of course will be absolutleeee ne good to us whatsoever!

This iz 'The Brollyless Wally's 'last throw of the dice' and shud the worst case scenario unfold, then we fear the worst with trips to Chelski and Stoke, wor next two games after this!

Lets hope and pray that hiz 4 new players 'gel' straight away or else we've had it! <(he haz aalready said that "IT WILL TAKE TIME!" for the new players to settle in!)  <(haz he hoyed the towel in aalready?) ----and with just 14 games left 'to save wor skins', this iz 'time' we just don't have!
Injuries and suspensions meenz the likes of U21 players Barlaser, Gibson, Sterry and Williams could be on the bench with Steve Taylor retornin' to the fray az well!

After the Everton game McClaren looked a shattered man and waz 'clutchin' at straws' when he said we were "in it til the penalties!"
Of course a half chance could have snatched us an undeserved  point when it waz 0-1, but with hardly any shots on target in the 2nd period, this waz a virtual 'non starter'!

Othaa 'McClaren' quotes: "We had bad results against Leicester and Palace, where our attitude was questioned.
"Since then it has been EXCELLENT in the last couple of months!"  <(Since Xmas we have lost everyone of wor away games played, includin' 2 to Wotfad! and scored a grand total of ONE goal in those FIVE games!---Where the hell waz wor 'attitude' against Everton?)

A full match report will appear here on Sunday---lets hope the dice rolls a 'SIX' and NOT a 'ONE'!

Thursday 4 February 2016


Posted '1:38pm bells' Thorsday 4th February 2016

"Metaphorically speaking, Steve McClaren's team never got off the bus!"  <(quote from The Daily Mail!)  

Some new faces in wor side but the same old story, az we hardly ventured into the Everton half in the forst half, with precisely NE shots on goal and NE corners at aall!

The inability to de anything remotely like an attackin' formation waz flustered time and time again when we got anywhere near the half way line and the home side made us pay with a goal at the mid point of the half!
Aaron Lennon put them aheed with a toe poked shot @ The Gladys Street End and really we wernt gannin to come back from that---in the forst half at least!

We were truly dreadful and Andros Toonsend, Johnjo Shelvey and Co. must be wonderin' exactly wot they've let themsels in for, comin' to The Toon!
Toonsend was obviously not fit and othaa new boy Henri Saivet made ne impact whatsoever!

We did a bit better in the 2nd period when we actually had a shot on goal from Shelvey in the 50th minute and in a 'purple patch? we got a few corners az well, but we couldn't de the blindingleee obvious, and put the baall in the net! 


Super sub Mitrovic had missed a great chance, but wellied wide---and that waz it!
The Toffee Noses hit the wood-work 3 times in the 2nd half az Elliot in The Toon goal kept the score doon by deflectin' shots onto the post and bar!
2 penalties for the home side in the dyin' embers of the game, the last one in which Lascelles got himself needlessly sent off 'did justice' to the scoreline!

After the match on the car radio 'The Wally (withoot) the Brolly' unbelievably said we were "in it til the death" until we gave the 2 penalties away!
But NIL goals meenz NIL points, if the opposition get just ONE goal, Steve!


In complete contrast to the above statement, The Daily Mail said: 'Newcastle were wretched, why do they bother!'---'They were just rubbish, lacking energy, commitment and wit!'

Just SIX goals in FOURTEEN competitive away games this season and TEN defeats in THORTEEN tells it's own sorry tale!

Wor 'last throw of the dice' comes in 2 days time!
Failure to beat WBA at home on Saturday and we are knackered! FULL STOP..........................................................................!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Mbemba, Coloccini (Lascelles 44), Dummett (Aarons 46), Saivet (Mitrovic 55), Shelvey, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Toonsend, Perez

Attendance: 36, 061 (2,000 Toon fans on the brink of mutiny!) *    

Wednesday 3 February 2016


Posted '11:15am bells' Wednesday 3rd February 2016

We gan into toneets game @ Goodison Park in the hope that wor new players can drag us away from the bottom 3 places and a win would de just that, against a poor Everton team who are gettin' dragged into the mire az well, just 8 points aheed of us!
(And just 3 home wins aall season!---just like us!)

Andros Toonsend iz expected to make hiz debut, but Saydou Doumbia will miss oot (we 'fink') because of work permit problems!

With 8 defeats in the 11 away games we have played this season and just 6 goals scored, this iz the worst record in the entire Futbaall Leegue! (goals scored that iz!)

Results last neet were 'mixed' but if we can  win wor 3rd away game of the season then we will leapfrog Norwich into 4th bottom place!

Lets hope the new players make a difference ---"EH!"

We leave by 'jam jar' @ '1:30 bells' for the trip across the Pennines and a full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime tomorrow!

"Keep the faith!"

Tuesday 2 February 2016


Posted '1:12pm bells' Tuesday 2nd February 2016

At last! an out an out striker haz been signed on the last day of the transfor window!
Seydou Doumbia haz signed on loan from Italian side AS Roma and the Ivory Coast international will probably make hiz debut this comin' Saturday against 'The Baggie Troosers' of WBA @ SJP, az a work permit will not be in place for wor visit to 'The Toffee Noses' of Everton tomorrow neet!

This brings the total signins in 'the window' to 4 and a total spend of nearly £30 million if yoo believe the papers!

Lets hope that Henri Saivet, Jonjo Shelvey, Andros Toonsend and wor 'new boy' can finally give us 'lift off' and drag us away from the 'abyss' of the bottom 3!

We shall soon find oot in the next couple of weeks, when a trip to Chelski iz aalso forthcomin' a week on Saturday!

Monday 1 February 2016


Updated 'high noon bells' Munday 1st February 2016

Wor quest for an out and out striker gans on and on, followin' the akwassisson  <(we naa aall the big words, but divvint naa how to spelll them!) of Jonjo Chelvney, Henri Saivet and Andros Toonsend so far in the transfor window!
Toonsend can play up front but iz a winger by choice, so a proven centre forward iz a 'must' to stave off the threat of trips to MK Dons and the likes, next season!

Speculation iz rife az to who we may (or may not!) sign, includin' Loic Remy from Chelski and Berahino from WBA, but these look to be 'dead in the water' az we speak!
A bid of £21 million waz reportedly rejected for Berahino yesterday and we understand that we have upped this to £24 million today!

The deadline iz '11:00pm bells' toneet so we'd better get wor skates on!
Super flop Flo Thauvin iz heedin' back to Marseille from whence he came (on loan) and 'past hiz sell by date' Mike Williamson haz signed for Wolves

Meenwhile!--Man City's 4-0 win at Villa in the FA Cup on Saturday meenz that there iz 'ne chance' of us fittin' them in on '5th roond day' az waz speculated, shud they have lost!
This meenz that we anly have 3 games now in the whole of February---Everton on Wednesday, WBA next Saturday and Chelski a week later on the 13th!--and nothin' at aall in the 2nd half of the month!

PS: A'v got to gan to graft this afternoon and there will be ne forthaa updates til tomorrow dinnaatime when the deadline iz ower! 
Remember wor motto: "We will bring yoo the news second hand, forst!" (or shud that be "Forst hand, second"?)