Monday 31 December 2012

"ISLINGTON PUB CRAWL---SHAMED!---SACRILEDGE! ----AND SANCTUARY!"

Updated '6:55pm bells' New Years Eve 2012
"NOT! OPEN AALL HOURS---THE BIG RED!"
"NAMED AND SHAMED!"

After gettin' off the train @ King's Cross before wor game against 'The Arse' on Saturday mornin', we heeded for Islington (where 'The Arse' play) and in particular wor fave 'haunt' which iz the 'Big Red' on Holloway Road, which iz a fifteen minute waalk from the groond.

We arrived @ 'high noon bells' anly to find the shutters doon and 'ne sign of life' through the pub windows!?---it was just like wor previous game @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day when wor fave boozer waz shut! (scroll doon the page!) ie: anotha disgraceful state of affairs, az we were in orjent need of some liquid refreshment!
'The Big Red' ---named and SHAMED!

We remembered that there waz a boozer ower the road and so we heeded in that direction---but!---couldn't find it?  After seachin' high and low scratchin' wor heeds, aa looked up to the tops of the buildings to see 'KINGS HEAD' engraved into the roof!---Az mee mincers panned doon to groond level----horror upon horror!---The pub sign below had been taken doon and replaced by!!!--- a 'COSTA'! sign! (aye!---that's reet---the pub had been torned into a f*****' coffee shop since the last time we were here, last season!
SACRILEGE!
"THE KINGS HEAD!---NOW A COSTA COFFEE BAR!"
"SACRILEDGE!"

We ended up gannin doon Seven Sisters Road where two hundred yards doon, there waz a street market and a BOOZER!
It waz caalled 'The Enkle Arms' and the lights were on and the doors were open----SANCTUARY!

The beer waz dead cheap (for London!) (£2:40 a pint!) so we decided to stop there for 'the duration' (ie: until it waz time to gan to the match!)
The anly problem waz!---the SMBs game against Spors waz live on the telly and az we NEVA watch them on the 'box', we torned wor backs to the screen and stared at the waalls instead!
"OPEN AALL HOURS---THE ENKEL ARMS!"
"SANCTUARY!"

There were a load of Xmas cards strung up and we noticed that there were FOWER 'duplicates' and a TREBLE!, which waz pointed oot by 'The Caped Crusader'! <("well spotted!")---(they had aall obviously been bought from the same shop!)< (if this isn't sad---then wot iz!?)

Anyway!---we moved to anotha part of the bar away from the telly, where we stayed until it waz time to gan to the game!---we'd enjoyed worsels up til this point, but now it waz time to 'suffer' and gan to the game!
(see 'horror show' match report below!)

PS: "Yi didn't believe the story aboot the Xmas cards!---did yiz???"

"Er!---SORRY ABOOT THE BLURRED PHOTO, BUT WE DID
HAVE A CANNY BIT TO DRINK ON THE TRAIN DOON!"
"HIC!"

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Sunday 30 December 2012

THE ARSE 7 THE TOON 3****"IT WAZ ON THE CARDS!" ("AND I DON'T MEEEN 'XMAS CARDS'!")

Updated '7:00pm bells' Sunday 30th December 2012      

"ANYTHING! CAN HAPPEN
IN THE NEXT HALF HOUR!!!"

The 'cricket score' that we envisaged @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day actually happened just three days later here in 'the smoke'!

It's painful to type this, but wor defence haz so many holes in it, that more scores like this are sureleee inevitable, unless we buy in the 'January sales'!

The last half hour of the game in particular waz a 'horror show' and we just collapsed like a 'pack of cards', concedin' an incredible FIVE! goals in this space of time! (it waz 'TWO-TWO' up til this point and we were az good az wor hosts up til then!)

The goal sequences were az follows:
(deeep breath!)

20th minute: Theo Walcott gans roond Tim Krul to put the home side aheed (1-0 to 'The Arse')

43rd minute: A Demba Ba free kick just ootside the box ricko-shades<(Geordie Times spelllin'!) off an 'Arse' defender to put us level! (1-1 !)

50th minute: A Danny Simpson 'throw in' finds a home player? who slots the baall to Chambelain, who fires past Tim Krul! (2-1 to 'The Arse')

59th minute: We level things with a fantastic goal  when 'The Angel Gabriel'< (it's STILL Xmas!) crossed the baall and 'Marveaux the Magician' slams the baall into 'The Arses' net!
(2-2 !)

64th minute: 'The Arse' again regain the lead when Podolski<(he's Polish--wud yoo believe!?) nodded in from close range!) (3-2 to 'The Arse')

69th minute: Demba Ba levels things once again with a great volley from a cross by 'Marveaux the Magician'! (3-3 !)

And then it aall went horribly wrang!

73rd minute: Walcott wellies the baall and it gans into the top corner of the goal! (4-3 to 'The Arse')

84th minute: Olivier Giroud heeds the baall past Tim Krul to give them a two goal advantage! (5-3 to 'The Arse')

87th minute: Giroud hits his 2nd goal in 3 minutes to 'finish us off' (6-3 to 'The Arse)

92nd minute: Walcott completes wor misery with hiz 'hat-trick! (7-3 to 'The Arse'---final score!) ("help!")

'The Arse' fans then 'take the p*ss', but they have short memories az it isn't so lang ago that THEY lost 8-2 @ 'The Theatre of Muppets'!---an even WORSE scoreline!--- we believe!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Ferguson 82), Perch, Coloccini, Santon, Bigiramana (Shola Ameobi 83), Tiote, Cisse, Marveaux (Tavernier 82), Obertan, Ba  

Attendance: 60,087 <(surely not az there were loads of empty seats? (2,000 'shell shocked' Toon fans!)


To 'hoy a spanner in the works' the '9 bells' train yem from King's Cross waz 'dry' by decree of the 'British Transport Dibbles' and it took an incredible FIVE hours to get back to Tyneside! (it normally teks 'THREE'!) (that's FIVE HOURS eatin' crisps and drinkin' 'Diet Coke'!)<(I'm on a slimmin' regime!)

PS: A'v done this 'match report' after a'v had a few 'Sunday lunchtime liquids', (to get mee heed straight!) but yiv aall probably seen the game anyway on the telly and yi divvint reeely need me to tell yoo the 'blindingleee obvious'! 

Saturday 29 December 2012

THE ARSE v "THAT WEE CLUB IN THE NORTH EAST!"***TODAY @ '5:30pm BELLS!

Posted '6:00am bells' Saturday 29th December 2012


This mornin' we are off to 'The Arse' on the 7:20 from 'The Central' to King's Cross to see us play against 'Arsene's' 'Arseh*les' @ 'The Emirites'!

Seriously!---'Arsene' iz a decent kind of guy and actually LIKES playin' @ St James' Park, which in the past he's said iz a great place to play!

The kick off iz @ '5:30 bells' and we've hord that wor train yem @ '9 bells' iz completeleee DRY!
(Special thanx to 'British Transport Police' for this NON festive jesture towards us!) < "and a happy new year to yoo az well!" ("NOT!")
Neva mind!---it's just one of the many hazards of bein' a Toon fan!

Actually, 'The Emirates' (in my opinion!) iz the BEST groond in 'the premya' and with it bein' the closest groond to King's Cross, it makes it the most desirable in 'the smoke' to visit! 

At least most of the home fans are actually 'true Londoners', unlike Man U's who are of the plastic 'Cockney' variety, who we saw on Boxin' Day in Salford!
We'll be in 'The Big Red' on Holloway Road if anybody fancies joinin' us for a few 'tonsil ticklers' this afternoon before the match! 

We look forward to the visit and who naaz?---"The wee club from the north east!", might actually 'sneak' a result!?

Match report to follow sometime tomorrow!

Friday 28 December 2012

"OLD FERGIE'S LOST HIZ LIGGIES!"

Posted '3:00pm bells' Friday 28th December 2012


'Old Fogey Fergy' haz completleee 'lost hiz marbles' this time<(alang the 'Scotswood Road' perhaps?) by caallin' us: "A wee club in the north east!"

This 'wee club' were the forst one in the world to average gates of ower *30,000 in 1906-1907 (*33,235) and ower *50,000 in 1947-1948 az a SECOND DIVISION CLUB (*56,283) which iz STILL a world record to this day for a club ootside the 'top flight'!
(Man U's record average gate ootside the top flight iz *48,387 in 1974-1975)

NUFC are the ANLY club in the world to have averaged ower *50,000 in both the top flight and second grade futbaall!

Wor average gates when we were relegated in 2008-2009 waz 48,750!  An 'unwanted' world record we admit, which incidentlee iz HIGHER than the SMBs record average gate of *47,785 in 1947-1948 
(when Man U were famously relegated in 1973-1974 their average was *42,712!)

'Senile Dementure Septuagenarian' are the words I'm lookin' for I think!

*Attendances source:
'Through the Turnstiles...Again'

'Liggies' iz Geordie slang for 'Marbles' 

"FERGIE WAZ RIGHT!---HE CAN DE WOT HE LIKES!"

Posted '1:30pm bells' Friday 28th December 2012

"THE BACK PAGE OF 'THE DAILY MAIL' SEZ IT AALL!"

Unbelievibleee!---'Old Fogey Fergie' iz gettin' off with the ootragious half time rant against the officials at wor game at 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day???

'Spineless' referee Mike Dean chose NOT? to report his disgraceful behaviour to the FA and so the 'Old Fogey' gets away with it once again!???

Any otha manager wud have been 'sent off', but Dean chose to 'bottle it' and inexplableee 'torn a blind eye'

'Old Fogey' even had the norve to caall wor manager a hypoctrite when he had the temerity to dare say wot many people think: 'Quote': "Mike Dean might feel slightly disappointed that he didn't do something about it!"

Of course he does have a 'Sir' before hiz name, a statue of himsel ootside the groond and a massive stand named after him---SO!--- he can de wot the F*** he likes---carnt he????

"AN 18 YEAR OLD REF HAZ HIS SAY!"

"HANG YOUR HEED IN SHAME MIKE DEAN!"

HALF TERM REPORT***"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"

Updated '10:40am bells' Friday 28th December 2012


We have now reached the halfway point of the season and are languishin' in 15th place in the table with just 20 points on the board from 19 games played and are just 5 points above 'the abyss'!


"The wheel's come off!"
Add in the fact that we havvent won ONE solitary away game oot of 14 played in Leegue, Cup and Europe, meens we are fightin' for wor lives once again and it 'wheely' >>>>>>>>>>>>>
isn't good enough! (sic!)

We can anly hope that wor 'beloved'? owner puts hiz hand in hiz pocket in the January transfor window, 'before the wheels come off', but the likelihood iz we will SELL 'yee naa who' before we BUY!

How can it be that a club who iz the THORD best supported in Britain iz in this predicament again???
We had 50,000 (plus) against QPR in the pourin' rain just three days before Xmas, yet we cannit seem to compete with clubs with half wor support!

'The Arse' iz next on wor away list tomorrow, but if we play like we did @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day then we have a chance!
BUT!---this IZ! NUFC divvint forget and anythin' cud happen!
"ANYTHING! can happen in the next 90 minutes!"

Wednesday 26 December 2012

THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD 4 THE TOON 3

Updated '9:45am bells' Thorsday 27th December 2012
THE TOON ATTACK THE SCOREBOARD END
IN THE 1st HALF (MARVEAUX'S SHOT HITS BAR!)

Three times we led in this game and three times the home side came back to level things, with their winnin' goal comin' bang on the 90 minute mark, to break wor hearts!

Before the match we'd heeded for 'The Broadway' boozer in Salford Quays, anly to find the shutters doon @ '11:10 am bells'---a DISGRACEFUL state of affairs, given that we were in need some liquid lubrication to quensh wor thorsts, forthwith!

'THE BROADWAY'---"NAMED AND SHAMED!"
"NOT!" OPEN AALL HOURS!"

We had ne choice therefore, but to 'move on' to 'The Lowry Centre', which iz a bit closer to the groond, where we foond 'sustinence' at ower FOWER QUID a pint in a bar caalled 'Lime' which iz nearly double the price of 'The Broadway'!
A canny few Manc fans with 'dodgy' non Mancunian accents filled the bar and we estimated that WE probably lived closer to 'The Theatre of Muppets' than at least three qwaataz of them!

It waz then off to the match some 20 minutes distant in the pourin' rain and we got a reet soakin' waalkin' there!

The goal sequences/incidents were az follows:

4th minute: Wearin' wor 'high viz jacket' coloured strips we took the lead when a Demba Ba shot waz fumbled by their keeper De Gea and James Perch waz on hand to sidefoot the baall into the net in front of the 2,000 (plus) Toon fans behind that goal! (1-0 to us!)

25th minute: Evans taps in equaliser after Tim Krul blocked a Hernandez shot (1-1 !)

28th minute: Evans deflects a Danny Simpson shot into hiz own net az the linesman flags for offside on Papiss Cisse.
After a discussion with hiz linesman the ref Mike Dean gives the goal az Evans had played Cisse onside by touchin' the baall. 'Old Fogey Fergie' waz NOT amused and ranted and raved on the touchline beratin' the officials! (nowt new there!---then!) (2-1 to us!)

'Marveaux the Magician' then struck a fab free kick which hit the bar and rebounded oot just before the interval, which would have put us 3-1 up had we had some luck! (see top photo!)


"The ref waz reet! ---'Old Fogey Fergie' waz wrang!"
Az the teams came back from their half time break 'Furious Fergie' had ANOTHA go at the ref, linesman and 4th official az he ranted and raged on the touchline, pointin' hiz fingers and shakin' hiz fists in every direction!--an absolute disgrace if yoo ask us, to try and intimidate them! (it waz later shown on 'Match of the Day' that indeed the REF WAZ REET to award wor 2nd goal!)

58th minute: A fine Evra shot beats Tim Krul and the baall ends up in the back of hiz net!
(2-2 !)

68th minute: We again retake the lead, when, (appropriately for this time of year!) 'The Angel Gabriel' (Obertan) sends in a fine cross at 'The Stretford End' and Cisse smashes home an unstoppable shot for the goal of the game! (3-2 to us!)

71st minute: The lead doesn't last long though az Van Persie scores from close range! (3-3 !)

Sub Sammy Ameobi hits a great shot which rebounds off the post and straight into the arms of De Gea (lucky b*****d!)

90th minute: It's heartbreak time folks az Hernandez grabs an undeserved winner for 'The Cockney Reds' with a volley that 'cruely' beats Tim Krul! (4-3 to them---final score!)

Just to hoy a 'spanner into the works', Anita suffers wot looks like a nasty knee injury deep into stoppage time!

Not the 'cricket score' that some had envisaged but still a painful undeserved defeat nonetheless!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Anita, Perch, Bigiramana (Obertan 64), Cisse (Sammy Ameobi 78), Ba (Shola Ameobi 70), Marveaux

Attendance: 75,596 (2,000 (plus) Toon fans) 





THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD v THE TOON ***'3 BELLS' TODAY!

Posted '7:40am bells' Boxin' Day 2012

We face the dauntin' task later today of tryin' to win a Leegue game @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' for the forst time in FORTY years and az we havvent won a solitary away game this season in THORTEEN attempts in Leegue, Cup and Europe, wor prospects divvint look ower good!---do they?

We will gladly settle for a point, but feel that this iz wishful thinkin' in the extreme! (although we DID get a point there last season with a 1-1 draw!)

"Somewhere to droon wor sorrows
BEFORE the match?"
(Hopefully that's NOT the case!)
For the second time in three month's we're settin' off across 'the Pennines' to deepest Salford within the next hour (we lost there 2-1 in the League Cup in September!) and wor forst 'port o caall' will (az usual!) probably be 'The Broadway' boozer which iz aboot a 25 minute waalk from the groond! (that's if it hazzent closed it's doors for good and been boarded up!?) (like so many ale hooses in recent years!) 

'The Geordie Times' match report will follow much later---let's hope it isn't a 'suicidal one'!

Tuesday 25 December 2012

GEORDIE TIMES FESTIVE HITS


Posted '9:15pm bells' Cris'mis
Day 2012

WHITE XMAS!?---PLEEEZE GOD!---"NO!"
Ower the last couple of days 'The Geordie Times' haz had an unusually high number of pageviews (for US anyway!) and we can anly assume that it's Xmas boredom on your part, due to the festive 'transport/pub/shop shutdoon' and the fact that that bloody 'Snowman' film waz shown YET AGAIN on the telly today, alang with aall the otha cr*p that yi get on 'the 25th'! (ne doubt 'Morcambe and Wise' and 'Bing F*****' Crosby' were on the TV schedule somewhere az well!?)

On Xmas Eve we had wor most 'hits' of the year so far in one day (160) and today we have well ower 100 at the time of typin' this into mee computaa!

A preview of wor trip to 'The Theatre of Muppets' tomorrow will appear in the mornin' before we leave

THE TOON ON THE MOON!

Posted '4:30pm bells' Chris'mis Day 2012

Aa waz drinkin' in 'The Porcy' in the Haymarket on Sunday afternoon when a fellow plonky caalled 'Geordie' asked me if aa waz gannin' to the Ukraine to watch The Toon in February.
"OF COURSE!" came the reply from little ol' me az aa supped mee 'liquid lunch'!

"Would yi gan if they played on the Moon?", waz his next question az he looked me straight in the eye, az he pointed hiz left index finger in my direction!
"YES!"--aa said, "But aa divvint think there'd be any atmosphere at the match!" (yi'v got ti be quick!) (sic!)


"IF THEY PLAY ON THE MOON
WE'LL HIRE A SPACE ROCKET
JUST TO FOLLOW THE TOON!"

ST JAMES' PARK***A PROPA FUTBAALL GROOND!

Posted '12:45pm bells' Cris'mis Day 2012

A quote from QPR central defender Ryan Nelsen after wor game against them in the pourin' rain last Saturday makes very interestin' readin':

"I love those conditions!---It was fun out there for most of the match!---St James' Park is one of my favourite places, especially with the rain lashing down and wind biting and the crowd is really passionate!---Maybe I'm just old and sentimental but that's what English football is all about!---It was like the Alamo at times!---I swear I heard the horns and the cavalry coming!!!"
ST JAMES' PARK LAST SATURDAY!
LOOKIN' TOWARDS 'THE LEAZES END'!


"AND McFAUL IZ OUR GOAL-EEE!"


Posted '9:40am bells' Cris-mis Day 2012
'The Geordie Times' makes ne apologeee for diggin' up this 'festive futbaall classic' once again from the 1960's when fans actually made up decent songs!
("Those were the days!")

Monday 24 December 2012

DIVVINT JUST BOOK IT!***THOMAS COOK IT!"

Updated '5:00pm bells' Xmas Eve Monday 24th December 2012

'The Geordie Times' haz lorned that travel agents Thomas Cook (Sport) are puttin' on just ONE plane for an owerneet stay in Karkiv, Ukraine for wor Europa Leegue match against Metalist on Thorsday 21st February.
(The 'day trip' mentioned previously, iz NOT gannin' az far az we naa!?) 

Flights are direct from 'Toon Airport' and the total price includin' a match ticket iz aroond aboot the *£399 mark for the owerneet stay! (*might be slightly more, dependin' on the price of the match ticket!?)

We understand that the plane iz a 180 seater , so if yi plannin' on gannin', yi'd betta book now to save yi the hassle of havin' to travel there via London, Istanbul and Kiev! (and an extra £300 to boot!) 
("AT LEAST TEN OF US AALREADY HAVE!") 

Sunday 23 December 2012

THE TOON 1 'APPY 'ARRY'S RAG AND BONE MEN RANGERS 0

Updated '10:35am bells' Sunday 23rd December 2012
DEMBA BA FREE KICK @ GALLOWGATE END
(HIS SHOT WENT MILES OWER THE BAR!)

Aall day, torrential rain in Geordieland and it's environs< ('The Geordie Times' naaz aall the posh words!) made it a 'grey day' indeed, az we made wor way 'up the hill' to St James' and then onward to 'level 7 of The Milburn Stand' via the 200 steps up to wor seats on the balcony above the directors box!

To be porfectleee honest the forst half waz absolutlee cr*p! and with the wind addin' to the 'Freda Paine', it made it a horrible half to endure az we (again!) couldn't seem to put two passes together withoot losin' the baall!
(Wor visitors from Shepherd's Bush were even worse!) (0-0 half time!)

The 2nd half waz a bit better, but the likes of Demba Ba, who waz takin' orful free kicks, couldn't get their act together.
Az the time passed it looked az though the match would end nil-nil***UNTIL!***the introduction of 'Super Sub Shola' and the 'Angel Gabreil'<(whey! it IZ Xmas!) in the 60th minute to replace Cisse and 'Spiderman'.

2nd HALF ACTION @ THE LEAZES END

Obertan (the 'Angel Gabreil'!) then made some stunnin' runs doon the left wing of 'The Milburn Stand' and had several impressive crosses to bring the 50,000 faithful back to life, but it waz Shola who saved the day with a well placed left footed shot into the corner of 'The Leazes' goal, with just nine minutes left on the clock, after good work from Davide Santon and James Perch, who supplied him with the pass!

Some anxious moments due to stupid free kicks bein' given away at 'the death', nearly cost us, but we held on for the precious three points!

With games comin' up away @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day and 'The Arse' a few days later, theeze are probably the anly points we will get til the new year!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon, Anita, Tiote (Marveaux 77), Perch, Gutierrez (Obertan 60), Ba, Cisse (Shola Ameobi 60)



Attendance: a suprizin' 50,180 considerin' we got less against 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' last week? (900 or so 'rag and bone men' from Sheperd's Bush!)(plus a not so 'appy 'arry in the away dugoot!)  

"THREE! RESIDENTS OF SHEPHERD'S BUSH
SPOTTED OOTSIDE ST JAMES'
NEXT TO THE QPR BUSSES!"



Fortha update @ '11:45pm bells'

"ER!"---a'v just watched 'Match of the Day 2' and it waz 'Marveaux the Magician' who supplied the pass for Shola's goal and NOT James Perch!

And wor excuse for gettin' it wrang???
"Well!---we did have a canny bit to drink before the match and wor seats in 'level 7 of The Miburn Stand' ARE a canny way from 'The Leazes End' goal! (see 2nd photo!)---
it IZ Chrismas yi naa!!!---"Hic!"

Friday 21 December 2012

THE TOON v HAPPY HARRY'S RAG AND BONE MEN FROM SHEPHERDS BUSH

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 22nd December 2012
THE TOON v THE SHEPERDS BUSH MOB FROM LAST SEASON
WE WON 1-0 THROUGH A LEON BEST GOAL!
Today @ '3 bells' we play a crucial game at St James' in this 'must win' game against 'arrys  Rag and Bone Men' and three points are vital az we try to keep wor heeds above the parapit!
We expect a low crowd, especially az the weathers lowzy and it's near Xmas and we predict that aroond aboot 43,000 will torn up!

Match report to follow az usual much later and we can anly hope it's a happy one, with trips to 'The Theatre of Muppets' and 'The Arse' away comin' up in the next week or so!

YI CANNIT GET MUCH FORTHA AWAY THAN THIS!

Posted '3:15pm bells' 'Black Eye Friday' 21st December 2012



From St James' Park to The Metalist Stadium!

"IT'S!***METAL GURU!

Updated '2:20pm bells' 'Black Eye Friday' 21st December 2012

THE METALIST STADIUM***"SPOT THE GIANT SPIDER!"

The draw for the Europa League knockoot stages haszzent been kind to us and a 3,500 mile roond marathon trip to the Ukrainian ootpost of Metalist Karkov iz in the offin' on Thorsday 21st February!
(The 1st leg iz @ St James' a week olier on 'St Valentines Day')
The 38,000 capacity groond staged three games in the Euro championships and thankfully it haz under soil heatin' az the temperature will be at least minus seven when we play there!

Just how we're goin' to get there iz anybody's guess and it will cost an 'arm and a leg' for certain! (IF we can afford it?)

THEN! if we get through THAT ONE? we could face an even fortha away trip to Russia to face (deep breath!) Anji Makhackala or (nearer to home!) Hannover of Jawmany, although a trip to Hannover would be much preferable (and cheaper!)

Much more to follow on this later!

PS: 'Black Eye Friday' iz the Friday when everybody breaks up for Xmas and invariably people get 'sloshed', start a fight and end up with black eyes and broken noses!

Thursday 20 December 2012

"THE MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR IZ WAITIN' TO TAKE YOO AWAY!" (AGAIN!)

Updated '11:25am bells' Thorsday 20th December 2012

"LESS THAN TWO HOURS TO GAN!"

Today iz 'wor day of destiny', az 'The Geordie Times' haz lorned that we could play any of the followin' thorteen teams in the next rooond of the Europa Leegue, in wor neva endin' 'Magical Mystery Tour' of Europe!---one of them with an unpronoonceable name!: (NO! it isn't 'Genk'!)

---gold text---YES! we'd like to play yoo!
---yellow text--Would prefer not to!
---pink text---NO THANX it's too far!
---green text--TOO dangerous!

1st leg will be at home on Thorsday 14th February
2nd leg will be away on Thorsday 21st February
The draw will be made @ '1:00pm bells' TODAY!
Benfica of Portugal
Genk of Belgium
Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk of the Ukraine
Lyon of France
Hannover of Jawmany
Viktoria Plzen of the Czech Republic
Fenebache of Torkey
Lazio of Italy (been here before, versus Roma)
Metalist of the Ukraine
Ruban Kazan of Russia
Steaua Bucharest of Romania
CFR Cluj of Romania
Olympiakos of Greece (been here before---got the tee shirt!)

Both the draw for the roond of 32 and the roond of 16 are bein' made at the same time!
We will, of course, bring yoo the draw az soon az we find oot---watch this space after '1:00pm bells'!

"ER!"---STOP PRESS!***STOP PRESS!"
A'v been caalled into work unexpectadlee and have got to drive to a bakery within hocklin' distance of West Brom's groond @ 'high noon bells'!
This meeenz that I will be unable to bring yoo the draw until much later when aa get back!
Can I suggest that yoo log into that otha 'pirate' Toon website: www.nufc.com  to find oot just who we will be playin'!
Cheers! Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)








Wednesday 19 December 2012

NANTWICH TOON!***POSSIBLE NEW GROOND!!!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Wednesday 19th December 2012

Followin' on from wor U21's defeat to Soothampton @ Eastleigh on Monday neet, The Toon finished in SIXTH position (oot of SEVEN) in the U21's Resorve Leegue and will now aall most certainleee play the followin' teams in the next 12 game group stage:

'The P*ss Potts of Stoke', 'The Palace of Sooth London', 'The Canary Custards of Norwich',  The Blue Moonies of Manc-land', 'The Biscuitmen of Reading'  and 'Ne Where Near Bolton, Wanderers'

We understand that aall teams mentioned, will play on groonds that 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have previously visited***"APART FROM!"*** 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke'!, who play their resorve games at the home of NANTWICH TOON FC! a few miles away from 'The Britannia Stadium'!

We can anly 'haad wor breath' (and pray!), that  this iz the case!?

Tuesday 18 December 2012

THE SIMON TEMPLAR MOB U21's 5 THE TOON U21's 1

Posted '2:30pm bells' Tuesday 18th December 2012

Ground number 296
Date of First Visit: 17th December 2012
Silverlake Stadium, Eastleigh

Southampton U21's 5
Newcastle United U21's 1 (Campbell)

FA Premier U21 Reserve League
Attendance: 500 (estimated) (includin' 4 saddos who travelled doon from Tyneside, plus aboot 50 other exiles!)


"SHUD WE STAY OR SHUD WE GO?"

"SPOT THE LOW FLYIN' PLANE!"

The debate on the mornin' of this game waz the state of the Eastleigh pitch in Hampshire, given that their game on Saturday had been caalled off due to a waaterlogged pitch.
This waz to be the forst time that Soothampton had played here and Eastleigh FC were desperate to get the game on for their 'big neighbours'

At forst we decided NOT to 'risk it' az we didn't fancy a 300 plus mile trek for nowt, but a frantic phone caall to Soothampton's box office by 'The Caped Crusader' conformed that the match waz ON (at the moment!)

We decided then to 'RISK IT' and off we set doon the 'A1M' soothboond!
SIX hours later we eventually arrived at the groond (after missin' the torn off on the motorway!) to see the NUFC team bus parked ower the road from the main car park (huge sighs of relief!)
The groond iz next door to Eastleigh Airport and a 'Spitfire' logo lit up with Christmas lights adorned the main stand. (Eastleigh's nickname is 'The Spitfires')

The five poond admission waz a bit steep we thought for an U21 game, but with the 'liquid lubrication' at just TWO quid a pint in the Eastleigh clubhoose, it waz a case of 'swings and roondaboots'! (er!--shandy for me coz aa waz the 'showfaa' <(Geordie Times spellin'!)

The predictable 'saddos' then torned up in the shape of 'Glennn from Ashington' and 'The Bear from The Bay' ('Whitley Bay' that iz!), meanin' that just FOWER of us had made 'the lang trek' from Tyneside!

Wor forst look at the pitch conformed just why the game had been caalled off two days previously as there waz more sand on in than Tynemooth beach to soak the waata up and it looked a reet state!
"WELCOME TO TYNEMOOTH!"

However! this waz ne excuse for wor lack lustre performance and Soothampton, who looked a much better outfit than us, were two nil up at the break!
It waz 3-0 soon after the restart az the Toon's youngins struggled to stop the momentum from the home side.

Adam Cambell then reduced the arrears at 'The Tynemooth Beach End' with a loopin' shot, which took a deflection off a Soothampton defender.

It waz aall in vain though az the home side added two more before the end to see us on the end of a five-one hammerin', although we didn't desorve to lose by such a big margin!

Toon U21's line up: Alnwick, Logan, Riley, Miele, Kitchen, Good, Maddison, Knight (Campbell 31), Hooper, Abeid, Amalfitano

It waz then the marathon 'trek' back yem and aa finally arrived at mee front door @ '2:30am bells' after droppin' 'The Caped Crusader' off and onimously there were 666 miles on the trip meter! (666 iz a sign of the 'devil'!!!?)





Monday 17 December 2012

EASTLEIGH FC***"NEW GROOND!***NEW GROOND!?"

Posted '10:30am bells' Monday 17th December 2012

The opportunity haz arizen to visit yet anotha new groond this season az 'The Simon Templar Mob' have annoonced that their forthcomin' resorve game against The Toon resorves toneet will now be played at 'Silverlake' the home of Eastleigh FC and NOT St Mary's Stadium az originally stated!

HOWEVER!---Inclemennt weather in the shape of a waaterlogged pitch, forced the postponement of Eastleigh FC's home game on Saturday and we're not sure if the game will gan aheed at the moment and we may have to abandon the trip!

At least TWO of the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have travelled doon in force for this fixture!---(mebbez TWO more!?)

Full match report to follow IF? we make it!
WATCH THIS SPACE!

Sunday 16 December 2012

THE UKRAINE BRANCH JOIN THE THOOSAND CLUB!

Posted '5:30pm bells' Sunday 16th December 2012
THE BADGES OF THE UKRAINIAN PREMYA LEEGUE!

'The Geordie Times' haz just received it's 1,000 hit from the Ukraine today, makin' that country the thord most popular to visit us behind the UK and the USA and we thank each and every one of yoo from that 'neck of the woods' for loggin' into this site!

THE TOON 1 THE BLUE MOONIES 3

Posted '10:35am bells' Sunday 16th December 2012
"DEMBA BA HEEDS HOME
WOR ANLY GOAL OF THE GAME!"
('GEORDIE TIMES' EXCLUUUSIVE PHOTO!)

This was a predictable and unsuprising scoreline @ St James' Park but we didn't really play that badly, ("er!"--except for wor defence, who were at 'sixes and sevens' of several occassions!)

We started off well and could have taken the lead az orly az the 2nd minute when a Cisse shot waz brilliantly saved by Joe Hart in the Blue Moonies goal @ 'The Leazes End'.
However!--- the visitors then went on the attack and had quite a few near misses until Aguero broke the deadlock in the 10th minute with a simple tap in from a Nasri cross with wor defence 'aall ower the place'!
They doubled their lead from a corner 20 minutes later when Garcia heeded past Santon who tried in vain to clear with a missed kick!

'The Toon' pulled one back orly in the 2nd period when Demba Ba heeded past Hart @ 'The Gallowgate End' and then Cisse had a great chance to equalise not lang after, but put hiz shot just ower the bar, when it seemed easier to score!

The visitors sealed things with just 10 minutes to gan when Toure fired through wor defence to take the three points back ower the Pennines!

This was wor SIXTH defeat in a row against 'The Blue Moonies' and even their 3,000 fans in level 7 of 'The Leazes End' couldn't be bothered to mock us az the predicted result unfolded!

This waz aalso wor SIXTH defeat in the last SEVEN Premya Leegue games and the 'bells' are well and truly ringin' on Tyneside today! (and NO!---they're NOT! Santa's 'sleigh bells' eetha!)

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Ferguson 82), Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Perch, Tiote (Marveaux 74), Anita, Gutierrez, Cisse (Shola Ameobi 79), Ba

Attendance: a suprizingleee sub 50,000 crowd of 49,579 (3,000 Blue Moonies)   

Friday 14 December 2012

THE TOON v THE BLUE MOONIES ***TOOODAY @ DINNATIME!

Updated '9:35am bells' Saturday 15th December 2012

@ 'din dins time' tooday we face 'The Blue Moonies' of Manc-land @ St James' Park for a '12:45 bells' start < (where DO 'SKY' get theeze ridiculous kick off times from?) (it's live on SKY 2)

The Champions of England havvent been beaten away from home for EIGHT months and havvent conceded a goal on their travels in their last THREE games and in total this season have anly conceded FIVE away goals since August!
On top of THAT!--- WE! havvent beaten them in the last TEN attempts home or away which includes FIVE successive defeats!

SO! that's an easy THREE points for us then!!!???

We expect more or less the same team to line up who lost 2-1 against 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers' in Fulham last Monday neet and we can anly hope that wor result and results later on ower the weekend gan wor way, or else we will end up in 'the abyss', come Sunday neet!
The match iz STILL not a selloot az I write and a smaall number of tickets remain on sale!

Footnote: For thoze of yoo who divvint live here and are travellin' up for the game from otha parts of the country, we can tell yoo that last neet the weather waz very inclement! (ie: "it waz f*****' p*ssin' doon!") and the 'Chris'mis Party Season' in 'The Toon' had got off to a 'damp squib' with the boozers anly half full/empty last neet, when they were expected to be 'chocker'!

However!---this mornin' iz a totally different day and the old 'current bun' haz made an appearance in the blue sky above St James' and the rain haz stopped az well!
Most 'liquid lubrication locations' are openin' @ 'ten bells' this mornin', in antisssipation of the orly kick off time!

Match report az per usual, to follow much later!

Tuesday 11 December 2012

THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS 2 THE TOON 1

Posted '4:45pm bells' Tuesday 11th December 2012 (Updated @ '11:00pm bells'!)
"WOR 'VIEW'? FROM THE FORTY POOND SEATS!?"

Forst of aall apologeeez for the late postin' of this report, but aa did get back a bit late from this match ('5:15 bells' this mornin'!)

Anyway!---wor latest visit  to 'The Wacko Jacko Statue Stadium' <(aka Craven Cottage!) waz (yet again!) not a happy one and remain in 14th position but at the time of writin' this, we are anly TWO points above 'the abyss' after this 2-1 revorse! (wor 4th defeat in a row here!)

Reeely!--- we shouldn't have been beaten, but defensive frailties cost us the game in the end.

The home side took the lead in the 19th minute when a shot by Sidwell hit Williamson's knee and the baall waz 'Kruely' deflected ower Tim Krul's heed and into the net via the bar at The Hammersmith End!

We equalised through Ben Arfa in the 54th minute when he ran doon the right hand side of the pitch and fired in a loopin' shot which aalso hit the bar and we were level, much to the delight of the 3,000 or so faithful who packed The Putney End!
"WOR 'VIEW'? OF THE HAMMERSMITH END!?"

We then went on the offensive and looked like winnin it on several occassions, but a needless free kick given away by Tiote on the edge of the box in the 62nd minute proved decisive, az ex Magpie Damian Duff, who was booed throughout by the Toon fans, got hiz revenge with a fine cross and Rodallega, who waz completly unmarked, had the simple task of heedin the baall past a helpless Tim Krul to win the game for them!

The coach yem didn't leave Fulham Palace Road til '11:00 bells' az one of wor passengers got lost and couldn't remember where it waz parked! (an aad biddy in hor 70's with a 'tea cosy' on hor heed!) (bless hor!) 
We then had to endure a six hour jorney on the way back, which meant that aa didn't get to 'peepies' til after six this mornin' az mentioned! (hence the late report!)


AWAY DAY PURPLE PATCH!

We played in wor hideous aall purple away strip yesterday and we have now went THORTEEN away games this season in competitive matches withoot a solitary win! (Leegue, Leegue Cup and Europa Leegue!)

We now face the dauntin' prospect of a 'double heeder' against the Mancs 'finest' at home on Saturday and then away on Boxin' Day, before takin' on 'The Arse' away on the 29th!
The anly 'easy'? game we have ower the festive period is against 'arrys rag and bone men' from Shepherds Bush! (ne doubt HE would disagree!)

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Anita (Marveaux 86), Tiote (Bigiramana 86), Gutierrez, Cisse, Ben Arfa (Shola Ameobi 71), Ba

Attendance: 25,270 (3,000 Toon fans plus wor beloved owner who will ne doubt get the cheque book oot in the January transfor window!) (I bet he will!?) 

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