NEW ZEALAND "LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER!" TOUR *** PLUS!: *** "JAWMANY CALLING" PRE-SEASON TOURNAMENT 2014-2015

Posted '10:10pm bells' Wednesday 30th April 2014


SOMEWHERE NEAR NORTH SHIELDS FERRY TORMINAL!
"HOW FAR IZ NEW ZEALAND?---LIKE!?"---"BBBAAAAAAA!"


News of a pre season tour of New Zealand, followed by a weekend tournament in Jawmany have been released by NUFC

The dates and venues are az follows:

Tuesday 22nd July 2014: Sydney FC v The Toon @ Forsyth Barr, Dundedin, Sooth Island, New Zealand

Saturday 26th July 2014: Wellington Pheonix v The Toon @ Westpac Stadium, Wellington, North Island, New Zealand

Saturday 2nd August: @ Veltins Arena, Gelsenkirchen, Jawmany
Toon opponents to be conformed

Sunday 3rd August: @ Veltins Arena
Toon opponents to be conformed

Saturday 9th or Sunday 10th August: Ne friendly fixture on this weekend annoonced so far <(cud be 'aa told him' Oldham?)

Saturday 16th August: Premyaa Leegue season starts

A forst team game against a club nearer to home, namely Oldham Athletic haz aalso been mooted, but haz yet to be conformed

The Geordie Times 'mad-sad groundhoppers' WILL be gannin to the Jawmany games, but! New Zealand iz a little bit toooo expensive and far away, so we will be 'Telly Hoppin' for theeze games! <(unless some kind/stupid! souls oot there, lend us 'the bit'!)

THE ARSE 3 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE *** 2013-2014

Posted '2:10pm bells' Tuesday 29th April 2014

View from row 15 seat 644 lower tier

"TOTAL APATHY!"

Last neet waz the neet that the Toon fans totally torned on wor beleaguered manager and az we approached the tornstiles at the visitors end we could hear the "PARDEW OUT!" chants loud and clear!---and this of course iz BEFORE the match had even kicked off!

And of course!---predicably!--- we 'hoyed the towel in' in yet anothaa depressin' performance that could send yoo to sleep az 'The Arse' totally controlled the game from start to finish.

We somehow survived 32 minutes before they took the lead when Ozil knocked the baall into wor net when he waz clearly offside?---Just before the break it waz 'game ower' az they doubled their lead through Giroud and reeely there waz 'ne way back' az we'd anly had one weak shot on target up until this point by Tiote and NE corners!"
"ALAN PARDEW!---IT'S SIX IN A ROW!" (defeats) The Toon fans mocked, alang with: "YOU'RE NOTHIN SPECIAL---WE LOSE EVERY WEEK!" az we pointed towards the home fans behind the goal nearest to us!

Giroud seeled their 3-0 victory at the mid-point of the 2nd half az Toon fans chanted: "YOU'RE NOTHIN SPECIAL!---TOTTENHAM SCORED 4!" (Sporz beat us 4-0 at St James'!)
We had two shots on target in this half (wow!) and NE corners again!
'The Arse' could easily have had more and we were thankful at least that it wasn't the SEVEN we conceded here last season!

Chants of: "PARDEW! PARDEW! WOTS YOUR EXCUSE!?" (for this defeat and sixth in a row) and: "ALAN PARDEW!---IT'S NEVER YOUR FAULT!" then rang oot aroond the away terraces az the groond emptied rapidly! ---
After the match we heeded for 'The Big Red' on Holloway Road (where we had been before the match) to drown wor predicable sorrows!----"Roll on the close season!"

 Toon team: Krul, Debuchy (Yanga 84), Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote, Anita, Sissoko, Gosling (Shola Ameobi 70), Gouffran (Armstrong 89?) <(wot waz the point in bringin' him on for ONE minute!?), Remy

Attendance:*60,023? (1,800 Toon fans)There were thoosands of empty seats due to a tube strike so 'The Arse' must have included their season ticket holders who didn't torn up!)

THE ARSE v THE TOON **** TOOONEET!

Updated 9:15am bells' Monday 28th April 2014

'I Beg Your Pardew' haz spoken aboot hiz 'comeback'? to the dugoot @ 'The Emirates'  toneet after hiz record breakin' 7 game ban from the touchline after hiz infamous heedbutt!

Bearin' in mind we have lost a record breakin' 5 Premyaa Leegue games in a row under hiz stewardship, he reeely shud have kept hiz trap shut, az he haz 'dropped himself in it' in the past! 

Let's hope the above headline doesn't come back to haunt him (and US!) az we attempt to wipe oot the memory of wor 7-3 defeat there last season!

We are on the '12:30 bells' train @ dinnatime and travel back on Tuesday mornin'!
To hoy a spanner in the works there iz a strike planned on the London Undergroond from today for two days, makin' the jorney from King's Cross to Islington (where 'The Arse' play) just a little more difficult than usual!

'The Sissoko Kid' iz back in trainin' but Davide Santon and Papiss Cisse wont feature at aall for the rest of the season!
The bad news iz that Gabriel Obertan and 'Marveaux the Magician'? are fit and rearin' to gan!  Ne news on Ben Arfa or indeed hiz whereabouts????
We have sold just 1,800 tickets for this game and a torrid time iz expected by aall toneet!

A full match report will follow sometime on Tuesday afternoon when we get back! (or Wednesday if the '9 am bells' train from King's Cross iz late, az a'v got to rush to work @ '3 bells' in the afternoon!)

BAD BLUE BOYS 1 SHILDON 1 *** NORTHERN LEEEGUE *** YESTERDAY

Posted '11:27am bells' Sunday 27th April 2014

DUNSTON (IN BLUE) ATTACK THE SHILDON GOAL
@ 'THE TEA HUT END'

The plan to de a Gatesheed 'doubler heeder' didn't come to fruition az the '3 bells' game at Dunston (in west Gatesheed) waz held up after an injury to a Dunston player, which didn't leave much time to heed to the othaa side of town for 'The Heedbangers' vital game against Cambridge which kicked off at '5:30 bells'! (Dunston's groond iz near the 'Metro Centre' and the traffic waz 'chocker' ootside!)

After a very long discussion (aboot 10 seconds!), it waz decided to stay in the Dunston clubhoose instead (for some liquid lubrication!) and get the scores from 'Tex Taylor', who waz at the 'Heed' game!

While 'The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston' drew 1-1 with Shildon, Gatesheed had a magnificent 2-0 win in front of aalmost 3,000 @ The International Stadium!
The result meeenz that they must travel to Grimsby on Thorsday neet for the 1st leg of their semi-final play off, with the 2nd leg @ Gatesheed next Sunday, with the 'prize' for the winners a trip to Wembley Stadium for the final and a place back in The Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence!

Az The Toon play Cardiff next Saturday @ St James' it meenz that we will definitely be able to gan to the 2nd leg to cheer 'The Heedbangers' on to Wembley! <(hopefully!)

PS: News on wor trip to London tomorrow when 'The Toon' play 'The Arse' will be forthcomin' later

THE TOON U21s 1 THE ARSE U21s 3 ***YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!

Posted '12:32pm bells' Saturday 26th April 2014

Cunningly disguised az a tree!, 'Liam from the Lamp' took this
'Geordie Times' excluuusive foto @ Darsley Park in yesterday's
behind closed doors game between
The Toon's resorves and The Arse's resorves!

Yesterday afternoon @ Darsley Park, Benton wor U21 resorve side were soundly beaten by The Arse in a behind closed doors encoontaa!
We sent wor secret undercover reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' to this game and he gained admittance by diggin' a hole under the fence and hidin' behind a tree in the groond to avoid detection!

Typically The Toon took the lead through Satka when he heeded home after just 2 minutes! (we say 'typically' az they can never seem to hold onto a lead!)

Just before the break the visitors ('typically'!) equalised through Akpom and the sides went in level.

An Akpom penalty in the 61st minutes gave The Arse the lead for the forst time and they sealed victory at the death when Niles fired home to make it 1-3 to the visitors!

Attendance: 30 friends and family of the players etc , (plus one tree!)

SMOKIN' JOE *** HONOURED AT LAST!

Posted '1:52pm bells' Friday 25th April 2014


FAIRS CUP WINNIN' CAPTAIN BOBBY MONCUR MAKES A SPEECH
AT THE UNVEILIN' OF THE JOE HARVEY PLAQUE


45 years after hiz greatest managerial achievement, and 25 years since he sadly passed away, 'Smokin Joe Harvey' haz had a magnificent bronze plaque unveiled in hiz honour near 'The Jackie Milburn Statue' @ 'The Gallowgate End' of St James' Park.

Joe won 2 FA Cup winners medal in the 1950's az a player and the Inter Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 az a manager!---wor last piece of major silverware! <(aa waz still at skooool!---it waz that lang ago!)

Whey!---'Smokin' Joe' (who waz a chain smoker!) iz SO famous that there's even a band named after him in the USA!

"BLANKETY BLANK X NINE!"

Posted '12:27pm bells' Friday 25th April 2014

"OH NO! *** NOT YEE AGAIN!"

For the 9th (NINETH!) time this season we have a blank weekend az we divvint play 'The Arse' away til Monday neet, meenin' yet more time off graft and of course expense! (hotels etc!)

We think that this MUST be a record, az iz wor 5 (FIVE!) Premyaa Leegue defeats in a row under the 'stewardship'? of 'I Beg Your Pardew'!
Somehow we can't see how this 'run' will not be extended to 6 (SIX!) and a torrid time iz expected @ 'The Em' on Monday neet!

Meeenwhile!--- it isn't aall doon and gloom on Tyneside az 'Gatesheed Heedbangers' play their last game of the season in The Conference against Cambridge United on Saturday teatime and even a draw will secure them a place in the 'play-off semis', with the ultimate dream a victory at Wembley in the final and a retorn to The Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence! <(we wish them well!)

Before that game there's anothaa one not far from 'the banks 'o' the Tyne' @ Northern Leegue 'Dunston Bad Blue Boys', who are hostin' Shildon in their final home game of the season @ Federation Park---and that's where we'll be heedin' forst, for this '3 bells kick off'
IF? we have time, then it will be 'a mad dash' to the othaa side of Gatesheed, just alang the Tyne, to try and make the '5:30 bells' kick off @ The International Stadium! <(we shall see!?)

"MAJOR SILVERWARE AT LAST!" ******* THE TOON RESORVES 4 THE SPARTANS OF BLYTH 0 ****** 2014 NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL

Posted '1:30pm bells' Wednesday 23rd April 2014


THE TOON ARE PRESENTED WITH THE CUP!
(SOMEWHERE!?) 


The Toon Resorves proved just too strong for Northern Premier Leegue Blyth @ St James' Park last neet and eeezily won 4-0 in front of a 1,200 plus crowd , most of them in the East Stand and quite a few of the Spartan variety! (This waz Spartan's TENTH final defeat in a row!) <(must be a record!?)

'Liam from the Lamp' sent us this report and pix by the wonders of modern technology and text us the goal sequences on hiz mobile 'tellin bone'!

Kick off '7 bells':

'7:39 bells': "Bigi's deflected shot from a Richardson corner waz saved and Satka tapped in rebound!" (36 min, 1-0 to Toon)


ACTION AT THE LEAZES END


'8:11 bells': "Olley through baall to Williams who played it to Richardson who placed it in left corner!" (54 mins, 2-0)

'8:27 bells': (The Mighty) "Quinn places shot into bottom left hand corner after beatin' offside trap!" (70 mins, 3-0)


ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END


'8:36 bells': "Excellent Aarons baall through to Bigi (ramana) who shot past keeper!" ("divvint naa eez name unfortunately!") (81 mins, 4-0) (final score)

"Well!---there's the Toon's 1st and anly trophy this season. A decent enough team performance against a very poor Blyth side.
In truth we didn't have to get into 2nd gear and it showed with Richardson in particular makin' a few misteaks, but Blyth not good enough to tek advantage.
The doonside to the match waz an injury to Jamie Sterry which looked badwith him bein' streachered off and a brace on hiz leg!
Hopefully not tooo serious because he looks a very promisin' full back! Attendance 1,234!"

'LIAM from the LAMP'


LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE MILBURN STAND
Once again--sorry aboot the grainy fotos!,
which are NOT up to the high standards of 'The Geordie Times'!
Can't wait til Liam get hiz new 'tellin bone' <("Hint!--Hint!")
 



AND FINALLY! ACCORDIN' TO THIS FOTO BY 'LIAM FROM THE LAMP'
THE MILBURN STAND IZ GANNIN DOON HILL QUICKLY!
(TOOO MUCH 'LIQUID LUBRICATION' BEFOREHAND
IN THE NEWCASTLE ARMS!----ME FINX!)

a

 

THE TOON RESORVES v THE SPARTANS of BLYTH *** TONEET *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Toneet wor resorves take on Blyth @ St James' Park in the final of The Northumberland Senior Cup. ('7 bells' kick off)
Az Blyth have have lost the last NINE finals they have played in the result shud be a foregone conclusion!---BuT! this IZ NUFC and anythin' could happen! (Blyth lost 0-7 at home to Whitby yesterday!)

A'v got to work a neetshift doon to the Midlands again toneet (run 174 since last Joon!) so 'Liam from the Lamp' will be bringin' yoo a full match report and pix from toneets game and this will appear in 'The Geordie Times' sometime tomorrow.

Admission iz six quid for big kids and three quid for sprogs and zimmerframeites and az usual anly 'The East Stand' will be open for payin' spectators! (no 'freebeez' for season ticket holders!)

NE KNEE JERK (NE JURK) REACTION *** THAT'S A STAT!

Posted '10:25am bells' Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Followin' on from wor disastrous run of form, wor beleaguered manager now haz the followin' records:
The 1st NUFC manager to lose FIVE consecutive Premyaa Leegue games and score anly THREE goals at home since Boxin' Day!

The followin' teams have scored MORE goals at St James' Park than we have since Boxin' Day in the Premyaa Leegue: (that's!---fower (4) months!)
Sporz 4 goals and (the now sacked) 'Moyzeez Manc Muppets' 4 goals!

The followin' teams have scored the SAME number of goal at St James' Park in that time:
The SMBs and The Toffee Noses of Everton both with 3 goals each!
 We currently have scored just 20 goals @ St James' this season in 'The Premyaa'---wor lowest total in the past iz 22 goals in the 1997/98 and 2006/07 seasons!---anothaa unwanted 'Premyaa' record on the horizon for 'I Beg Your Pardew'!

With two away games left against 'The Arse' and 'The Liverbirds' and one home game against relegation threatened 'Cardiff Red Herrings' (who beat us at home in the FA Cup in January!) we face the very reeel prospect of not pickin' up one more solitary point from now til the end of the season!
'Eight in a row'? it doesn't bear thinkin' aboot!

The club's response az usual iz that: "There will be NO knee jerk reaction as to the managers future!" (or shud that read 'ne jurk' reaction?)
('Ower the Pennines', Man U beg to differ!)

THE TOON 1 THE SWAN LAKERS 2 *** PREMYAA LEAGUE 2013-2014

Posted '11:40am bells' Eeester Sunday 20th April 2014

"FREE-FALL!"

  SOMEWHERE ABOVE WOR BENTON TRAININ' BASE LAST WEEK!
'THE TOON' TRY OOT A NEW SECRET FORMATION!
(COPYRIGHT TO 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!)
(Special thanx to Porcy the Pigeon for the foto which waz taken
on hiz zoom lenz camraa!) <("honest!")

For the 5th game in a row we lost badly, which iz a new unwanted record for NUFC in the Premyaa Leegue era, az we continue to 'free-fall' doon the table with ZERO points oot of the last 15!
Just a month ago it looked impossible to finish lower than 9th in the table but with wor catastrophic losses, combined with both Stoke and Palace winnin', we face the very real possibility of finishin' the season in the bottom half!

Action @ The Leazes End in the 1st half
(View from The Milburn Stand balcony)

Relegation threatened Swanzee came oot with aall guns blazin' az they attacked The Gallowgate End in the forst half and were unlucky on a couple of occasions, not to take the lead!
This actually happened in the 23rd minute when WOR number 23 scored @ The Leazes End to end wor fower match goal drought and HIZ! (wait for it!)> forst goal in 1,399 minutes!

And did Shola celebrate in style, az did the fans, BUT! az the half drew to a close we conceded a corner which resulted in a heeded goal for Bony who had left hiz marker for dead! (Williamson!)

Lookin towards The East Stand and city centre

The 2nd half waz mostly dross az we went through the motions and then to cap it aall and deep into injury time Tiote needlessly gave away a penalty when he fouled Emnes, which waz convorted by Bony to send the 800 Swanzee fans wild!---It waz tooo late for a comeback of course, az we lost wor fifth game in a row and seven oot of wor last nine home games!



Action from The Gallowgate End (2nd half)


'The Arse' away are next up!!!--an eazy three points accordin' to Pardew ne doubt!?---roll on the end of the season!---anly THREE more games to gan!

Toon team: Krul, Coloccini, Williamson, Dummett, Anita, Gosling (Armstrong 80), Tiote, Gouffran, De Jong (Remy 40), Cisse (Debuchy 21), Shola Ameobi

Attendance: an unbeleeevable 51,057 considerin' wor previous home form! (800 happy Swan Lakers!)


View up Barrack Road from The Milburn Stand concourse


PS: After the match wor under fire manager said that if he had been allowed to be on the touchline we WOULDN'T have conceded that penalty!!!---Just wot waz he gannin' to de to stop Tiote foulin' the Swanzee player in the box???---run onto the pitch and heedbutt him!---perhaps!????? <(hiz excuses for defeats get more ridiculous and bizarre az the season draws to an end!)

THE TOON v THE SWAN LAKERS *** EASTER SATURDAY @ 3 BELLS!

Updated 11:30am bells' Eeester Saurday 19th April 2014

WOR VISIT TO SWANZEE ORLIER THIS SEASON (TOON IN DARK BLUE)
WE LOST 3-0 !

Wor 2nd last home game of this troubled season takes place this afternoon @ SJP against sooth Wales opposition.
We gan into this match hopin' to arrest a torturous slide, which haz seen us lose the last fower games in a row!

And here's a 'stat' to "ROCK YOO TO THE CORE!"
The SMBs have actually scored more goals in the Premyaa Leegue @ St James' Park (3) than The Toon have this year (2) !!!  and considerin' that we are into the 2nd half of April, this iz a shockin' stat that orgently needs to be rectified against strugglin' Swanzee!

Still ne news az to wethaa Remy and Debuchy will retorn---and by god we need them!---to stop wor slide doon the table! (Stoke are just THREE points behind us in 10th place after last weeks disastrous performance against them and Palace are now just SIX points behind us in 11th place, havin' won at Everton on Wednesday neet!)

More team news when we find sommik oot!---but divvint haad yer breath!
A full and compreeehensive match report will of course follow in tomorrow's 'Geordie Times'!

THE HEEDBANGERS 2 SOOTHPORT 2 **** CONFERENCE 2013-2014

Posted '10:10am bells' Easter Saturday 19th April 2014

GATESHEED ARE IN WHITE SHIRTS
(VIEW FROM THE BACK OF THE MAIN STAND)

In front of their biggest crowd of the season, Gatesheed froze in their attempt to get into the end of season play-offs, with the prize a trip to Wembley and a place in the Futbaall Leegue in this Good Friday encooontaa @ Gatesheed International Stadium! 

'We' ,bein' me and 'Grumpy Stumpy' <(on the scumpy!) started off in 'The Bridge Hotel' next to the 'new' castle and High Level Bridge, which iz the nearest point to Gatesheed withoot actually bein' there!

THE 'NEW' CASTLE, THE TYNE BRIDGE AND THE BRIDGE HOTEL

It waz then onward 'across the waataa' to 'The Nags Head' on Gatesheed High Street which iz the unofficial HQ of 'The Heedbangers fan club'!

The bar waz packed with 'Heedbangers' who were (appropriately!) singin' their 'heeds off'!  After a few 'gargels' and a bit of 'chin-wag' it waz time to heed for the stadium and several mini-bus style taxis were waitin' for us ootside the bar to whisk us away! (it's a good 20 minute waalk to the groond from there!)

On arrival the queues to get in were massive az 'the glory-hunters' <(like us!) waited patiently to get through the tornstiles!
A fiver discount waz offered to Toon fans who showed their NUFC season tickets <(but NOWT for safc fans!)

The game kicked off and straight away the home side were on the back-foot az Soothport took the lead in the FORST minute when Luke George fired in a left footer!

A norvy 'Heed' tried to get back into the game and it wasn't until the 26th minute that they made the breakthrough when Jamie Chandler hit a sweet right foot shot into the Sootport net, sendin' the (wot looked like) 3,000 'Heedbangers crazy' in the main stand!

That waz the score at the break and again a norvy 'Heed' couldn't break doon the visitors defence in this vital game for both clubs (The Heed for the play-offs and Soothport to avoid relegation!)

The main taalkin point of the game came in the 51st minute when Sootport's 'Shola Ameobi' lookalike Emannual Monthe waz sent off for a 2nd bookable offence!---Straight away the visitors ran upfield and scored their 2nd goal with the Heed defence at sixes and sevens!

It wasn't until 'the death' that 'The Heed' got a crucial goal and point when James Marwood supplied a pass to Jamie Chandler in the 88th minute and he hit anothaa sweet right footer to again send the 'Heedbangers' wild with delight!
The point keeps The Heed in the last play-off position, just above Braintree in sixth!

After the match it waz back to 'The Nags' and then onward to the Quayside for some more liquid lubrication before heedin yem!

Attendance:2,121 includin' a 9 month old baaby screamin' hiz lungs oot for most of the match in front of us! (see above foto!) (150 Soothport fans in the far stand) < (see top  photo)
(Er! yi'll have ti torn yi heed sideways az aa cannit torn foto aroond!)

"A VIEW TO DIE FOR!"
THE MILBURN AND LEAZES STAND ROOF @ ST JAMES' PARK
 CAN JUST BE SEEN ON THE SYLINE IN THE CENTRE OF THE PHOTO
 (RIGHT HAND SIDE OF 2nd PANE OF GLASS!)
WHICH WAZ TAKEN FROM THE BACK OF
GATESHEED STADIUM'S MAIN STAND
"ARE THERE ANY WINDOW CLEANERS OOT THERE!?" 

THE HEEDBANGERS v SOOTHPORT *** GOOD FRIDAY @ '3 BELLS'

Updated '11:35am bells' Good Friday 18th April 2014

There's a very important game on Tyneside this afternoon---and NO!---a divvint meen a Toon game, but 'ower the waataa' in Gatesheed, where the home side are playin' a vital game against Soothport, with the aim to cement a place in the Conference 'play offs', with the ultimate prize a trip to Wembley and a place in the Futbaall Leegue!

'The Geordie Times' iz heedin' that way in the next hour or so, and 'The Nags Head' on Gatesheed High Street iz wor drinkin' destination before the match!

Admission iz just £9 for big kids if yoo produce your NUFC season ticket (just £2 for sprogs) and a good fower figure crowd iz guaranteed! <("ER!"--that's at the match, NOT at the pub!")

There will be a match/hootch report on this game in 'The Geordie Times' ower the weekend--so watch this space!

"HOWAY THE HEEDBANGERS!"

A RECIPE FOR DISASTER!

Posted '12:20pm bells' Wednesday 16th April 2014

'THE TOON ON TOUR!'

News last week that 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham are the 4th team in 'The Schalke Tournament' to be played in Jawmany in August iz NOT good news!
This iz because of previous 'history' between the two clubs, when infamously, some 34 years ago a Toon fan hoyed a firebomb into West Ham section of St James' Park!

Aalthough violence at matches iz ne where near the level of the 1970s and 80s there iz still a bit of 'bad blood' between the two sets of fans because of this!

Think aboot it!--both 'The Toon' and 'The Jellied Eels Mob' will take a boat-load of fans to this weekend tournament, az we both are oot of Europe next season and this will be wor/their anly chance to see European action in the next 18 months! (Aa hord that WE are takin' thoosands!)

Add in the fact that we will be mixin' with them for 4 days in the many boozers sellin' strong Jawman beer, then this iz a recipe for disaster waitin' to happen!
Whoever thought of puttin' the two sides together in a foreign tournament need their heeds knockin' together! <(are yoo reedin' this Alan Pardew?)

The othaa two teams involved are Malaga of Spain and (of course!) the hosts, Schalke 04  (Ne news of any ticket sales yet!)
Game times (but not opponents) have now been finalised and will be played @ Shalke's stadium on Saturday 2nd August with the forst game kickin' off @ '3 bells' (Jawman time!) and the second kickin' off @ '5 bells'
Then the next day the two losin' teams from the previous day will play each othaa @ '3 bells' with the winners of the previous day kickin' off @ '5 bells' (lets hope that these the anly 'kickin off times'!??)



 

GANNIN FROM BAD TO WORSE!

Posted '2:50pm bells' Tuesday 15th April 2014

GEORDIE TIMES COMMENT!

Followin' on from Saturday's disastrous defeat @ Stoke, where Toon fans---for the forst time, torned on wor beleaguered manager--- who in torn torned on the local 'rags' negative reportin' and for windin' the fans up, and blamin' them for 'US' tornin' on him! (see 'Sundih Sun' below) It haz now reached breakin' point for Pardew az wor season peetaaz oot!

Then there's the row between Ben Arfa, some othaa players and 'him' to roond off a thoroughly miserable two months for The Toon Army!
(That's!--- The Toon fans against him!, the press against him! AND the players against him!---wot next for 'I Beg Your Pardew'!???)

YESTERDAY'S SUNDIH SUN *** EVERY HEADLINE TELLS A STORY!

Posted '9:47am bells' Monday 14th April 2014

THE P*SS POTTERS 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '12:28pm bells' Sunday 13th April 2014



THE SOOTH STAND VISITORS SECTION
(View from row 26 , seat <(standin' place!) 901 !

Wot can we say aboot yet anothaa aaaful performance from NUFC?
A fluke goal won it for the home team but that shouldn't detract from anothaa defeat az wor season continues to 'implode'!
Wor top goalscorer Loic Remy waz again missin' and with 'Shola 'no goals' Ameobi' up front, we just aall knew that withoot Remy in wor side, we just cannot 'hack it'!

For the forst time 'anti Pardew chants' could be hord from the visitors section and there were aalso a couple of banners unfurled caallin' for hiz heed! <(but NOT for hiz heedbutt!)

SOMEWHERE TO 'TRAIN' WOR THOUGHTS!

Before the match we heeded for a different location for the pre match 'gargels' az last season we were forced to drink oot of drastic plastic pots in a boozer some 25 minutes walk from 'The Britannia Stadium!

This time it waz a 20 minute waalk on the othaa side of the groond in a boozer caalled 'The Locomotive' where we were the anly Toon fans in the bar!
The locals were friendly enough and more importantly we got to drink oot of propaa glasses for a change! <(a 'propaa pub' in Stoke!)

THE LOCOMOTIVE 'TROPHY TRAIL!'

Az for the match---and playin' in wor 'lucky'? Brazil strip, we again 'went through the motions' with Stoke makin' the most of wor ineptitude <(we naa aall the big words!)

Lanky 'bean pole' Peter Crouch <(hiz 'figure' reminds me of a car's dipstick!) heeded against wor post in the 9th minute, but luckily for us it rebounded oot to safety, but wor 'luck' waz aboot to run oot!

The anly goal of the game came when a intended cross from 'The P*ss Potts' striker Erik Pieters, deceived Tim Krul and the baall floated into the top corner of the net in front of the Toon fans, just before the interval!

Az we had hardly had any efforts on goal up til this point most Toon fans concluded that there waz ne way back!---and that of course proved to be the case in the 2nd half az we tried in vain to break doon the home defence!
A double substitution in the 73rd minute when (a rather tubby!) Ben Arfa and (slim Jim!) Adam Armstrong replaced the ineffective Gosling and Cisse, made absolutely ne difference az we 'plodded on aimlessly' til full time!  


"ER!"---YI'LL HAVE TI TORN YI COMPUTAA SIDEWAYS TO VIEW THIS
 AZ AA CANNIT TORN THE PICTURE THE REET WAY UP!?"


That's 4 (FOWER!) defeats in a row now, with 12 goals conceded and NONE scored!---it's just az well we are safe in 9th place in the table---isn't it just!?

Toon team: Krul, Steve Taylor (Yanga 61), Coloccini, Williamson, Dummett, Anita, Tiote, Gosling (Ben Arfa 73), Gouffran, Cisse (Armstrong 73), Shola Ameobi

Attendance: 27,400 (2,900 P*st off Toon fans!) (0 NUFC board members?) (In the photo below note the block of empty red seats in the Stoke directors box (above and to the left of the red 'STOKE CITY FOOTBALL CLUB' sign) This iz where the NUFC hiararcy shud have been sittin', but were conspicuous by their absence!---who says they divvint care!!!???

  

THE P*SS POTTERS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON

Posted '12:17pm bells' Friday 11th April 2014

Tomorrow afternoon we heed ower the 'M62' and doon the 'M6' to sample the 'delights'? of Stoke on Trent!

A'm workin' neetshift again toneet doon to the Bormingham area and wont finish til at least '3:30am bells' in the mornin'!-----After (hopefully!) aboot three hours kip "ZZZZzzzz!!!!" a'll be up and on the road again, passin Wetherby racecourse on the southbound 'A1' a few hours after passin' it northwards!

The boozer we normally gan in beforehand iz a good 20 minute waalk from the groond with 'drastic plastic pots' to drink wor 'liquid lubrication' from!
This iz just one of just a handful of boozers anywhere near Stoke's groond<(makes yoo glad yoo live and drink in a place with ower 100 boozers within 20 minutes of St James'---doesn't it!?)

The bad news iz  Toon team will again be depleted with top scorer Remy missin' for the sixth consecutive game alang with Debuchy and 'The Sissoko Kid'.
Ne news yet az to wethaa Gouffran and Sammy Ameobi will play eethaa!

A full match and 'liquid lubrication location' report <(from wor ONE and ANLY pre-match boozer!) will appear here sometime on Sunday az per usual!---az ever!---watch this space!!!    

THE P*SS POTTERS v THE TOON *** SATURDAY AFTERNOON!

Posted '1:27pm bells' Thorsday 10th April 2014

THE VICTORIA GROOND *** AZ IT LOOKED IN 1971

On Saturday we heed for 'The Potteries' ower the M62 motorway and doon the M6.
It waz so much a different story way back in 1971 when there were hardly any motorways and yoo had to travel through towns and city centres to get to your destination!

A'v dug up this 'classic' from mee forst ever visit to Stoke some 43 years ago when aa nearly got done for speedin' in Huddersfield!

It's a true story (like they aall are!) from 'The Geordie Times' archive---'ground number 18' (see below!)

A full match preview of Saturday's game will appear here tomorrow ---sometime!

018 victoria ground stoke

(GROUND NUMBER 18)

Date of First Visit: 27th NOVEMBER 1971

THE VICTORIA GROUND, STOKE ON TRENT

 

STOKE CITY  3 

NEWCASTLE UNITED  3  (MacDonald (2), Craig)

(OLD) DIVISION ONE)

ATTENDANCE 16,855  (2,000 or so Toon fans)

 

 

"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT GEORDIELAND, SON!

BUT WE'VE GOT SPEED LIMITS IN HUDDERSFIELD!"

 

This match was played in the days before the likes of the M62 motorway was built. (Aye!---it was a lang time ago!)

Aa was seventeen at the time and had an aad Morris Minor 1000, which a'd bought off mee faatha after a'd passed mee drivin' test three months orlier.

 

Ah decided tih give the car a 'spin' and drove doon with three of mee mates. One was caalled 'Punter the Hunter' (he comes from Lobley Hill!), Dylan and the other was a kidda who went by the name of 'Yuk'! (where DID they get their names from in them dayz?--'Fink'  iz a far more 'civilised' 'monicer'!----divvint yee thinx???)

 

Because the 'said' M62 did'nt exist, wih had tih drive through the likes of Leeds, Huddersfield and Manchester on the ‘A62’  tih get to the 'Potteries'.

On the way through Huddersfield, ah was stopped for speedin' by an ower zelious traffic cop and like a scene from 'Z Cars' (a popular cop TV series of the 60s and 70s), the conversation went sommik like this:

 

Officer Dibble (leanin' through mee car window): "WHERE ARE YOU GOING, SON?".

"WIH GANNIN TIH STOKE!", aa replied (leanin' on the steerin' wheel)

Officer Dibble (notepad and pencil at the ready): "WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?".

"NEWCASIL!---WHY DEE YIH WANNA NAA?---LIKE?", Aa said with a puzzled look on mee face!?.

Officer Dibble: "WHAT!---NEWCASTLE UNDER LYME?". (Near Stoke)

"NO!---NO!------NEWCASIL, GEORDIELAND!", said 'I', deadly seriously!

 

After a lang pause, and a scratch of the heed, he just looked at iz, and said in a exaspirated voice,

"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT GEORDIELAND, SON!---BUT WE'VE GOT SPEED LIMITS IN HUDDERSFIELD!".

He lerriz off with a warnin', that he'd 'DO ME' if he caught iz speedin' again!.

From then on ah stuck RIGIDLY! tih the speed limit!, aall the way tih Stoke, checkin’ mee rear view mirror every few seconds!

                                             

After negotiatin’ the one way system in Manchester city centre we (eventually!) arrived in Stoke and parked up in a cobbled street in the shadow of the floodlights. 

The Victoria Ground at that time was the oldest League groond in the world (Stoke had played there since 1878) and their groond back in 1971 it has tih be said, was one of the better ones, with cover on three sides.

‘Yuk’ and ‘Punter’ had had a few bottles of ‘dog’ and tins of  ‘McEwans lager’ on the way doon and with their heeds ‘aspinnin’, they decided to gan in the Stoke ‘hard end’ by themsels!   ‘Little old sober me’ and Dylan ‘opted oot’ and stayed in the main stand paddock instead where a few other Toon fans were situated! 

The match itself was a 'ding dong affair', with the Toon comin'  back from a three-one doon, tih draw 'three's a piece', with two goals from 'Supermac' (who else?) and one from full back Davy Craig.

A'd escaped an endorsement and a speedin' fine, and the Toon had escaped with a point!. (Very satisfactory!)

                                            

On the return journey yem, passin' through Huddersfield, (deein' aboot twenty miles an hour!) ah kept a 'very wary' eye oot for 'Officer Dibble', but he was nee where tih be seen!. (Thank God!)

"GEORDIELAND--GEORDIELAND, HERE WE COME!"

                                            

Footnote:

Sadly---(in my humble opinion!) Stoke, decided tih move to a new groond in 1997, a few hundred yards away from their aad one, thus givin' the title of the worlds oldest League groond tih Dumbarton, (of aal places!) who've played at Boghead Park since 1879.