Monday 30 April 2012

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE!---THE TOON RESORVES v TEAM NORTHUMBRIA---TOONEET IN 'THE NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL!

Posted '1:10pm bells' Monday 30th April 2012
ASKIN' THE QUESTIONS---PAUL 'BAMBER' GASCOINGNE
"YOUR STARTER FOR TEN!"-----"WHERE DE
NEWCASTLE UNITED PLAY--LIKE?"
"bbbzzzz!!!!"---"TURNER!--NEWCASTLE!"----
"ST JAMES' PARK!---AND IT AALWAYS WILL BE!"
"AYE! THAT'S REET!"

The biggest game of the season so far takes place toneet and NO!---'a'm NOT! taalkin' aboot the Manc derby where the title cud be decided!---'am taalkin' aboot THE NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL @ ST JAMES' PARK! <(and aalways will be!) between 'wor' resorves and the students of Newcastle University's Team Northumbria for the coverted trophy.

Kick off iz @ '7 bells' and admission iz a fiver for big kids and three quid for sprogs, students and zimmerframites (East Stand tornstiles)

And ask yoursel this question, aall yeez 'University Challenge' 'Bambers' oot there!----Have Man U. or Man C. ever won The Northumberland Senior Cup????-------
"I REST MY CASE!!!!"
THE TOON RESORVES---WINNERS OF
THE NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP 2011
("ARE YOO WATCHIN' MANCHESTER!?")

Saturday 28 April 2012

THE BLUE WIGS 4 THE TOON 0

Updated '9:15am bells' Sunday 29th April 2012
THE TOON (in orange) ATTACK THE BLUE WIGS GOAL

We arrived in 'Bluewigland' in good time for the boozers openin' and made for Newtown Workin' Mens Club a few hundred yards from the groond to 'tickle wor tonsils' and quensh wor thirsts, before heedin' for the tornstiles.
We'd had a canny bit to drink by '2:30 bells', which waz just az well, az a 'comotosed state' waz the best way to watch this!

An absolutleee terrible forst half performance from 'The Orangemen' saw us gan in 4-0 doon at the break to send the 4,500 travellin' faithful behind the goal into deep shock!

Two goals from Victor Moses in two minutes orly in the half, had The Toon reelin' and we never recovered from this!
Further goals from Maloney in the 36th minute and De Santo bang on half time in front of the Toon fans added to wor misery!

We played a bit better in the second period and hit the woodwork twice through Papiss Demba Cisse, but the deficit waz too much to make up anyway and this defeat severely dented wor Champions League aspirations.

With Spors and The OAPs of Chelski now breathin' doon wor neck and both playin' at home today (against Blackborn and QPR resectively) yi wud expect them to pick up max points!---"Er!"--but hang on a minute!---this IZ the premya leegue where crazy results have happened aall season!---lang may it continue today!

Wor prediction of 7,000 empty seats waz actually wrang and it waz less than half that number (3,000)
The attendance waz 'The Blue Wigs' highest of the season and waz actually 4,000 more than when they beat Man U the other week, due mainly to the fact that the home side openly sold £60 (plus VAT!) corporate tickets to Toon fans in other areas of the groond!

One to forget I'm afraid! 

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Perch 81), Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Cabaye (Ferguson 83), Tiote, Gutierrez, Ben Arfa (Ryan Taylor 73), Cisse, Ba

Attendance: 22,187 (4,500 (plus) shell shocked Toon fans!) 

Friday 27 April 2012

THE BLUE WIGS v THE TOON---THIS AFTERNOOON! @ '3 BELLS'!

Updated '7:40am bells' Saturday 28th April 2012
"LETS HOPE WE DIVVINT RUN OOT OF PETROL ON THE WAY!"

We're off on wor 'annual' road trip to 'Bluewigland' today, in a bid to claim wor seventh 'win on the spin' and strenghen for bid for a Champions League place (lets hope Chelski lose the final in Munich!)

Papiss Demba Cisse haz scored an incredible NINE GOALS in the last SIX GAMES and he will be in 'SEVEN HEAVEN!' shud he score yet again today!
Not anly that!---but in the last TEN GAMES he haz scored ELEVEN TIMES to equal Micky 'Fat Boy' Quinns 'premya record' for Coventry back in the 1990s!

4,500 Toon fans will be there and it cud have been considerabaleee more had the home side 'skrewed their loaf' and filled their stadium.
Az it iz, NE TICKETS are on sale today and aa wud guess that there will be at least 7,000 (sevin thoosand!) empty seats in the home sections because of this.

Like aa said on Thorsday, it's like 'pullin' yi wig off to spite yi baald patch'! (or sommik like that!?)

Az usual---match report to follow, eetha toneet or orly Sunday mornin'!  

Thursday 26 April 2012

LAST FOWER GAMES AALL SELLOOTS!

Posted 9:20am bells Thorsday 26th April 2012
SPOT THE FAN(S!)----A SCENE FROM THE FA CUP DERBY
MATCH BETWEEN WIGAN AND BOLTON LAST SEASON!

Wor final home game against 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' iz now a complete selloot and wor last three away games against 'The Blue Wigs of Wigan' (4,500 away tickets), 'The Kings Road OAPs of Chelski' (ne ticket allocation details)  and 'The Toffee Noses of Everton' (3,000 away tickets) are completleee sold oot az well to Toon fans.

In the case of 'The Blue Wigs', we have pleeeded with them to give us more tickets for the game on Saturday, but they have refused, despite not sellin' oot in the home sections and Toon fans have been warned that NE TICKETS will be available on the day in the 'said' home sections eetha and if they are foond there they will be hoyed oot! 

A case of  'pullin' your own wig off to spite your baald patch!' (or sommik like that?)

Wednesday 25 April 2012

MUNICH---MAY 19th----DESTINY DAY!?

Posted '8:30am bells' Wednesday 25th April 2012
"DESTINY DAY!" @ 'THE SPARE TYRE'!???"

Followin' last neets shock result which saw the OAPs of Chelski progress to the Champions League final, we now have a clearer picture to just where we stand in torms of wor qualification for a Champions League place next season.

Quite simply, shud we finish in wor current position of FOURTH and Chelski finish below us but WIN the Champions League then it it will be THEM and not us get that coverted place.

However!---and under the same finishin' positions shud they LOSE in Munich on May 19th, where the final iz bein' played, then WE will get that coverted last Champions League place!

In other words MAY 19th 2012 could be wor day of destiny even though we divvint play!----watch this space!

PS: I listened to the entire match on mee truck radio on the  'M74' on mee way back from Glasgow last neet and waz 'devistated' at the result---az yi can imagine! 

Tuesday 24 April 2012

"WOR JACKIE HAZ FINALLY COME YEM!"---AT LAST!"

Posted  '8:15am bells' Tuesday 24th April 2012
"WELCOME YEM JACKIE!"


Yesterday afternoon the Jackie Milburn statue, which haz stood on St James' Boulevard for a number of years haz been moved to a site on the corner of 'The Gallowgate End' and opposite 'The Strawberry' boozer.
It originally stood in Northumberland Street which for those of yoo who divvint naa iz the main shoppin' street in 'The Toon'.
(We could never understand why hiz statue waz put there az he never played on Northumberland Street?)

'The Gallowgate End' waz 'Wor Jackie's' favourite end of the groond, so it's very appropriate that he haz now 'come yem at last'!

Monday 23 April 2012

"THE TIMES THEY ARE A' CHANGIN'!"

Posted '8:05pm bells' Monday 23rd April 2012

Az the whole world now naaz, 'The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge' reached it's conclusion in 'The Star' on Saturday after the match and aa have to say that when we forst drank here in the 1970s, it waz a totally different boozer from wot it iz now!

Then---it waz COMPULSARY! to have tattoos on EVERY! part of your body and if you looked at somebody so much az in the wrang way, then you were likely to get a bar-stool smashed ower yi heed or a pool queue rammed doon yi throat!---pronto!

The clientele have changed somewhat since then and 'The Geordie Times' chief paparazzi photographer took this exclusive photo in 'The Star' at aroond '7 bells' on Saturday neet!    VVVVV???






THE LIVERBIRDS RESORVES 1 THE TOON RESORVES 2---RESULT!

Posted '8:00pm bells' Monday 23rd April 2012
"WE COULD AALWAYS TAKE A LADDER!---LIKE!"
(SOMEWHERE OOTSIDE MELWOOD TRAININ' GROOND!)

This afternoon @ '2 bells' wor resorves played 'The Liverbirds' resorves at their Melwood trainin' groond in Liverpool behind closed doors!
Az we didn't fancy anotha 'Fulham Fiasco' (see 'ground 285 NOT Motspur Park', in the 'archive grounds list!) we decided not to attempt to get in, just in case we didint!.
We hord 'through the grapevine' that they had a huge fence aroond their trainin' groond to stop any 'pryin' eyes', so unlike 'Motspur Park', we would be unable to get a view of the game from any gaps in the fence!

Az per usual in theeze circumstances, we  sent wor intrepid 'Stop the Pigeon' reporter, who flew  ower the action and flew us back this report!

"The Toon won 2-1 with wor goals comin' from Yven Moyo with a side footer in the 22nd minute.
Mehdi Abeid doubled wor advantage ten mins later from the penalty spot after Donaldson waz scythed doon in the box.
Ngoo redused the deficient orly in the 2nd period for the home side but we hung on to win wor forst game for 'donkeys'!"



FINK THE MAD SAD GROUNDHOPPERS STATEMENT (on wor non attendance!)

"However!--- We refuse to be beaten and shud we play their junior team at their trainin' groond next season (when access iz guaranteed!) (and if we have a 'free day'?) then 'The Geordie Times mad-sad groundhoppers will be there in force!" ("Er!"---probably 2 or 3 of us at the most!)

Footnote: 'Chancer' and 'Mad-sad groundhopper' 'Glennn from Ashington' went doon and DID get in by 'sneakin past' the security bloke on the gate!---"well done mate"! 

"EUROPE!--EUROPE!--HERE WE COME!"

Posted '8:10am bells' Monday 23rd April 2012
"I HAVE A DREAM!"

'The Toffee Noses of Everton's' 4-4 draw @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' yesterday afternoon means that they cannit catch us and we are now CERTAIN to qualify for at least the Europa League next season with FOWER games to spare!

This iz a fantastic acheeevement az a relegation battle waz forecast by aall at the start of the season!

The next challenge iz to get into the Champions League of course and az we are in FOURTH position we have a great chance of dein' so!

European qualification---az it stands @ '8:00am bells' Monday

1 The Cockney Reds of Salford---
played 35---points 83---Champions League place guaranteed 

2 The Blue Moonies 35/80---Champions League place guaranteed

3 The Arse 35/65---Champions League???
Europa League place guaranteed

4 THE TOON 34/62---Champions League??? Europa League place GUARANTEED!

5 Happy Harry's Hotspors 34/59---Europa League??? or Champions League ???

6 The OAPs of Chelski 34/58---Europa League place guaranteed by reachin' the FA Cup final.  Champions League ???

7 The Toffee Noses of Everton 34/48---CANNIT now qualify for any European competition

8 The Liverbirds 34/46---Europa League qualifiers by winnin' the League Cup---CANNIT qualify for Champions League

Aaltogether now!
"Howay, we're off to sunny Spain!"-
Aviva Espana!" 

Saturday 21 April 2012

THE TOON 3----------THE PULLIS P*SS POTTS OF STOKE 0

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 22nd April 2012

A fantastic 3-0 result @ St James' Park yesterday secured the three valuable points and with aall the other results gannin wor way az well, it proved to be a memorable day aall roond!

The forst goal came in the 14th minute when Ben Arfa who bamboozled the Stoke defence and ran rings roond them centred from the Milburn Stand side for Demba Ba to heed against 'the bar' and the reboond fell porfectlee for Yohan Cabaye who heeded the baall into the net @ 'The Leazes End'!

Wor lead waz doubled just 5 mins later when a pressision pass from goal scorer Cabaye foond Papiss Demba Cisse and he porfectly placed his shot past the advancin' Stoke keeper!

This waz Cisse's ELEVENTH GOAL in TEN GAMES and that equals 'Micky 'Fat Boy' Quinns' Premya Leegue goals record for Coventry in the orly '90s'!---brilliant stuff!

Then in the 2nd period Yohan Cabaye sealed the match for the 'black 'n' whites with a shot of pure quality which hit the back of the net @ 'The Gallowgate End'!

Results orlier in the day meant that we moved up to fourth place in the league and wor 100th pub, namely 'The Star', waz on wor 'radar' after the game. (see below)

Spors against QPR waz on the telly and the men from 'Steptoeland' (QPR) won the day 1-0 much to the delight of aall in 'The Star', az it meeenz we stay in a Champions League position and are anly three points behind 'The Arse' in thord place az we speak! (with a game in hand!)

Aalso if The Toffee Noses of Everton fail to beat The Cockney Reds of Salford on Sunday dinnertime @ 'The Theatre of Muppets', then we will DEFINATLEEE qualify for at least the Europa League next season!---"Happy days!"

PS: The rumour that we cancelled the Northumberland Senior Cup final on Thorsday to relay the lines and widen the pitch to stop Stokes lang 'throw-ins' proved to be competeleee untrue!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Gosling 82), Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Ben Arfa, Cabaye (Perch 60), Tiote, Gutierrez, Ba, Cisse (Shola Amiobi 69)  

Attendance: 52,162 (1,664 'P*ss Potts!)  

Wor quest to visit 100 pubs in one season waz ower and we completed this 'tonsil ticklin' task' @ '7 bells' last neet! (scroll doon!)

THE GEORDIE TIMES!---100 NOT OOT!---"LET THE CELEBRATIONS BEGIN!"

"THE GEORDIE TIMES 100 PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE HAZ BEEN COMPLETED!---THE WORLDWIDE CELEBRATIONS (AND BEYOND!) HAVE AALREADY BEGUN!---A HUNDRED PUBS IN TWENTY GAMES!"

"TOP 'O' THE WORLD!---JUST LIKE THE GEORDIE TIMES!"
 MOONT EVEREST---TIBET-NEPAL BORDER!

"HANDS UP!---FOR THE GEORDIE TIMES!"
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING--NEW YORK!

"SHOES OFF!---FOR THE GEORDIE TIMES!"
CAIRO--EGYPT!

SYDNEY HARBOUR--AUSTRALIA!
   ("NE EXPLANATION NEEDED!")






"IT'S A MESSAGE FROM PLANET EARTH!"
"THE GEORDIE TIMES HAZ JUST VISITED A NEW 'STAR'!"
"GET THE BROON ALE OOT!"



"FROM THE MONKEY BAR!" (BAR 001)
"TO THE STAR!" (BAR 100)








THE TOON v THE PULLIS P*SS POTTS OF STOKE---TODAY!

Posted '10:00am bells' Saturday 21st April 2012
THE 'LEAZES END' FROM LEAZES PARK LAKE

Tooday @ the unusual kick off time of '3 bells' we face a 'tuffee' against 'The P*ss Potts' @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be!)

The permutations of European qualification have now reached ridiculous proportions with ne one knowin' exactly where they stand, and wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' summed it up yesterday when he said:
"What I do know is that European qualification is about as complicated as it gets. We need Carol Vorderman to work this one out!
Lets just say there's a bit of confusion over it in my mind.
You're talking about qualifying games for the two competitions, for example when we might come into the qualifiers?. There seems to be a little bit of confusion over which position gets you where!?"

ie: De the FA Cup winners automatically take a place in the group stage of the Europa League--or not?--or does the team finishin' highest in the Premier League and qualifyin' for that competition avoid the qualifyin' stages instead!???
NEBODY at the FA or UEFA seems to naa!?----

In anotha 'bizzare twist', shud we finish in FOURTH position and Chelski finish FIFTH, but then gan on to WIN the Champions League, then THEY and NOT US would qualify for the Champions League next season!
This was not lost on wor manager eetha, when he further added:
"If we finish fourth, I would gulp on my beer if Chelsea won the Champions League!---that's for sure!--I'm sure we all would!"

--there's anly one thing to say to that, Alan!-----
"COME ON 'BARCA'!"  

Anyway!---gettin' back to todays game!
It's a complete 52,000 plus selloot with the visitors anly takin' 1,664 tickets for 'level 7' of 'The Leazes' and three points for us are crucial in wor bid for Europe! (even though we divvint naa where we need to finish yet!?)
We are biddin' for wor SIXTH consecutive win in a row for anly the thord time since we joined the 'premya', but it wont be an easy game against the lang throw bores of the Potteries.

Rumour haz it that we cancelled the Northumberland Senior Cup Final on Thorsday so we could relay and remark some of the pitch to make it WIDER! to try and stop their lang throw ins!?---we'll find oot if that iz true @ '3 bells' this afternoon!?

Full match report to follow az per usual eetha later toneet or orly tomorrow mornin' (dependin' just how much we have to drink if the final day of wor 100 Pub Crawl Marathon!?) (SEE BELOW!)    

Friday 20 April 2012

THE STAR'S THE BAR!

Updated '9:10am bells' Saturday 21st April 2012
"YOU'RE A STAR!---YOU'RE A STAR!"

The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge big day iz upon us, az we will visit wor 100th 'liquid lubrication location' today after wor home game against 'The Pullis P*ss Pots of Stoke'

It's been a marathon effort, but we were NEVER in any danger of NOT completin' 100 az there are quite a few drinkin' dens that we havvent been te!

We've done 98 so far this season and will de wor 99th before the match (havvent decided where yet!) and wor 100th after the match, will be!-------
'THE STAR' on Westgate Road between '6:00 and 6:30 bells' which haz recently been refurbished and reopened!

This was wor main waaterin' hole in the 1970's, and after a Toon victory we would dance on the tables and bar coonta to celebrate, much to the annoyance of 'Robbie' the manager! 

History iz in the makin'!-----Be there for the celebrations toneet! 

Thursday 19 April 2012

NUFC TICKET NEWS FOR REMAININ' GAMES

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 19th April 2012
^"SOLD OOT!"^

Ticket info for wor five remainin' premya leegue games are az follows:

The Pullis P*ss Pots of Stoke @ St James' Park on Saturday ('3 bells')
Limited number of tickets available due to the fact that the visitors have anly taken an allocation of 1,664 oot of a possible 3,000
The extra 1,300 plus tickets are now on sale to Toon fans and are expected to sell oot fast!

The Blue Wigs of Wigan away on Saturday 28th April ('3 bells')
Toon allocation of 4,500 tickets sold oot!---ne more tickets available

The OAPs of Chelski away on Wednesday 2nd May ('7:45 bells')
Toon allocation which iz unknown at the moment iz sold oot!---ne more tickets available

The Blue (it!?) Moonies of Manchester @ St James' Park on Sunday 6th May ('1:30 bells')
Live on SKY
Tickets still on sale

And finalleee! 

The Toffee Noses of Everton away on Sunday 13th May ('3 bells')
Tickets still on sale---allocation 3,000

Wednesday 18 April 2012


Posted '1:00pm bells' Wednesday 18th April 2012
MIDDLEWOOD TRAININ' GROOND---SHEFF WED
(Plus NUFC team bus!)

Az promised, below are 'the mad-sad grundhoppers' match report(s) from the juniors games at Sheff Wed on Saturday. 'Ground 285 at last', followin' 'The Fulham Fiasco' a fortneet ago! (see ground '285 NOT Motspur Park' in the 'Archive grounds list' at the top of the page!)

There iz actually a great topic of debate az to whether we could infact include the game at Fulhams trainin groond in wor 'groundhoppers list' az we actually saw the game, aalthough we wernt actually inside the groond to see it!!! (like aa say---see ground '285 NOT' and aa'll let yeez decide!)

285 middlewood sheffield


(Ground number 285A and 285B!)
Date of First Visit: 14th April 2012

Middlewood Training Ground, Sheffield


(Pitch ‘A’)

Sheffield Wednesday U18s 1
Newcastle United U18s 3 (Dan Taylor 2, Ryan McGorrigan)

(Pitch ‘B’)

Sheffield Wednesday U16s 4
Newcastle United U16s 4 (scorers unknown!?)

FA Academy League (North)
Combined attendance: 99 (estimated!) (9 Toon fans---a tenth of the 'crowd'!---nearly!)



“SHAKEY RATTLE AND ROLL!”



‘Blondie Alan’ waz wor driver for this one and the ‘intrepid trio’ set off @ 8:30 bells for the high noon kick off @ Sheff Weds trainin’ ground near Hillsborough. (Blondie—Liam and meesel!)

We arrived @ 10:45 bells’ after followin' the team bus---(which had to make a 'U' turn after missin' the turn off to the groond!) and started lookin’ for a boozer that waz open az there waz still an hour and a qwaata til kick off time!

Two lasses were standin’ ootside a bar a couple of hundred yards away and ‘Blondie’ asked them wot time it opened. “It doesn’t open til twelve”, they replied in thick Yorkshire accents, "but there’s a bar called ‘Shakeys’ which is an eight minute walk away!”, az they pointed us in the reet direction!

EIGHT MINUTES did seem a bit of an odd ‘time to give'? az someone would normally say TEN or FIFTEEN minutes for example, but ‘off we set’ anyway and after a TEN MINUTE waalk (they got it SO wrang!) we spotted it not far from a tram stop in Hillsborough (the name of the district az well az the football groond)

After a ‘shake’ or two of the old John Smiths in 'Shakeys' it waz off to the tram stop az we were too lazy to waalk back to the trainin’ groond and it took aboot three minutes to get there az it ‘rattled and rolled’ on the uneven road!
"WE'RE SO! SAD, WE SAVE ANYTHING!"


"THE WALLY WITH THE BROLLY!"

The trainin’ ground even had a mobile food van--- and so!---(az yi de!) a bacon sarnie nosebag waz scoffed by aall!

To the right of the pitches behind the goal at that end a huge indoor domed aall weather trainin’ facility dominated the area and aa commented that it looked a little bit like ‘The Millenium Dome’ in London!
"THE MILLENIUM DOME END!"
(UNDER 18s GAME)

To the left of the pitches behind the far goals stood four huge ‘smoke free’ chimneys and they dominated that end of the groond
"THE FOUR (SMOKE-FREE) CHIMNEYS END!"
(UNDER 16s GAME)

Not for the forst time we had TWO games to watch at the same time, az the Under 16s were playin’ on the ajoinin’ pitch to the Under 18s game!

The main game we were here for however was the Under 18s and we positioned worsels near their touchline, makin’ sure that we could glimpse the action from the Under 16s pitch az well, which waz ‘next door’


'Alex of St George' waz anotha member of 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers club' to torn up and he went in search of some team sheets, but came back empty handed, moanin' that the anly 'sheets' he could find were the ones a gadgie waz puttin' in a washin' machine in the changin' rooms area! 

Both Toon teams wore their 'Orangebairns' change strips to avoid clashin' with Sheff Weds blue 'n' white stripes
The Under 16s game kicked off slightly orlier and after just ower half an hours play the home side were leadin’ 3-0 of which ‘yours truly’ witnessed two of them!

The Toon Under18s meanwhile took the lead in the 27th minute at ‘The Four ('Smoke Free') Chimneys End’ (wot else!?) with a fine shot from number nine, Dan Taylor.

At this juncture it started p*ssin' doon but we had come prepared with a huge black 'n' white brolly.
Aa tried to put it up, but az a'm not used to operatin' theeze contraptions, we got soakin' wet before we could open the bloody thing up!
Eventually---with some help, we got it opened--but guess wot!?---the rain soon stopped and then aa couldn't get it doon again! (it could anly happen to us!)

The Under 16s then pulled a goal back (which aa missed coz aa waz watchin’ an Under 18s attackin’ move!) and both sides went in at half time with that scoreline.

The Under 18s then went 2-0 up with a shot in the 50th minute from Ryan McGorrigan at ‘The Millenium Dome End’ (it had to be folks!)

Meanwhile!---The Under 16s pulled another goal back (missed that one az well az aa waz at ‘the tool shed’!) and then they levelled things on the hour mark. (a Toon U16s goal aa actually saw az there waz a lull in play on wor pitch!)

A minute later however Sheffields U16s regained the lead before we hit back yet again to make it 4-4 soon after with a shot that rattled off the bar (just!—seen it hit the net!)

On wor pitch Sheffields U18s pulled one back when Toon goalie Mitchell fumbled the baall from a powerful shot by their centre forward (me thinx?)

The Under 16s game finished soon after and so we could now fully focus on The Under 18s and a tap in from Dan Taylor for his 2nd goal in the 82nd minute made it 3-1 to us and that’s the way it ended!

To sum up: oot of the twelve goals that were scored in both games ‘The Geordie Times mad-sad groundhoppers’ saw SEVEN and missed FIVE! (Aalthough ‘Blondie Alan’ and Liam ‘claimed’ to have seen a couple more than this!)

Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)


"THIS PLACE REEELY TAKES 'THE BISCUIT'!"

Posted '10:05am bells' Wednesday 18th April 2012
"TAXI!"---IF yi can afford it!?
News that 'The Biscuit Men of Reading' won promotion back to the premya leegue last neet haz just reached 'The Geordie Times' by carrier pigeon!
It's a f***** aaful place to get te by train az yi have to change at Kings Cross, then get the tube to Paddington, then get anotha train to Reading and THEN yi have a choice of jumpin' on one of the 'cattle truck' futbaall busses that tek you to the groond, which iz four miles from the toon centre. (if yi can get on one!) OR! gettin' your eyes ripped oot by one of the taxis that will charge you a ridiculous amoont to drop you off at the groond, which iz in the middle of 'ne where'!

*Footnote: Reading FC used to be knaan az 'The Biscuit Men', but have now went 'up market' and caall themsels 'The Royals'---az far az 'The Geordie Times' iz concorned, we will aalways gan by their original name!

Tuesday 17 April 2012

"REEED ALL ABOUT IT!"

Posted '7:30pm bells' Tuesday 17th April 2012

Two brilliant stories in 'The Ronny-Gill' tooneet are worth a mention!

Forstly, and on the front page, Papiss Demba Cisse paid a visit to a young fan from Bedlington who sent him a hand made  'Welcome to Newcastle' card.
Four year old Sam sent the card to the trainin' groond in Benton and Papiss waz so taken aback by this kind gesture that he made a secret visit to hiz hoose to thank him personally with a bag full of 'Toon goodies'! "Good on you Papiss!"

The second story involves the Ordnance Survey people, who make the official government maps, that the name 'St James' Park' will still be used by them despite the 'unsuccessful attempted' name change by the club!
"Good on YOU Ordnance Survey!"

Divvint forget!---it's---ST JAMES' PARK<(AND AALWAYS WILL BE!)

GEORDIE TIMES NEWSFLASH!---THE TOON RESORVES v TEAM NORTHUMBRIA---RESCHEDULED!---PLUS TICKET NEWS!

Updated '11:20am bells' Tuesday 17th April 2012
THE TOON RESORVES
NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP WINNERS 2011

This years Northumberland Senior Cup final between The Toon's second string and Team Northumbria haz now been moved from this Thorsday neet to Monday April 30th @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be!)

 Wor resorve away game against Blackborn haz been moved to May 3rd @ '2 bells' which meens we will be unable to gan az we are travellin' back from wor away game with Chelski on that day!
(There's aalways next season!---isn't there!)

TICKET NEWS
Tickets for wor forthcomin' and last game of the season against 'The Toffee Noses' of Everton  are now on sale to season ticket holders with 25 loyalty points or more.
We have an allocation of 3,000 and theeze are expected to be snapped up straight away, so!---rush to the ticket office ASAP to resorve your place!

Tickets for 'The Blue Wigs' of Wigan (4,500) and 'The OAPs of Chelski' (allocation not known yet?)have now SOLD OOT!  

EUROPEAN QUALIFICATION---AZ IT STANDS!

Updated '9:30am bells' Tuesday 17th April 2012
"Tell mee maa mee maa!, aa wont be home for tea!
a'm gannin to It-al-eee!---tell mee maa mee maa!"
("Er!---whey!-- aa might be---like!")

FA Cup semi final---last Saturday!
'The Liverbirds' 2  'The Toffee Noses' 1---a great result for aall Toon fans!

'Andy Pandys' 87th minute winnin' heeded goal from a free kick taken by 'Bellaz' 'The Poison Dwarf' ensures that we are virtually certain to qualify for at least the Europa League next season!

Who wud ever have believed that the player who we transfored for £35 million wud help us gain a European place?---Yi CUD'NT make it up!

'The Arse', who sensationally lost 2-1 to 'The Blue Wigs' @ home on Monday neet are five points clear in the thord Champions League position, but we now have a game in hand on them, so it looks az though the race for the Champions League 3rd and 4th places iz between US!, 'The Arse', Spors and the OAPs of Chelski. 

Happy days are here again! (hopefully!?)

The chase for Europe---az it stands @ '9:30am bells', Tuesday

1 The Cockney Glory Hunters of Salford
played 34---points 82---Champions League place guaranteed

2 Blue (it!?) Moonies 34/77---Champions League place guaranteed

3 The Arse 34/64---Champions League/Europa League?

4 Happy Harry's Hotspors 33/59---Champions League/Europa League?

5 THE TOON 33/59---Europa League/Champions League?

6 Kings Road OAP's 33/57---Europa League (guaranteed by reachin' the FA Cup final)/Champions League?

7 The Toffee Noses 33/47---MUST now finish at least SIXTH to claim a Europa League place az they lost the FA Cup semi final against 'yee naa who'!. 

8 The Liverbirds 33/46---Europa League qualifiers by virtue of winnin' the League Cup

PS: The Geordie Times went to see 'The Toons' junior teams @ Sheffield Wednesday's trainin' groond yesterday and the Under 16s drew 4-4 and the Under 18s won 3-1 on ajoinin' pitches----full 'mad-sad groundhoppers' match report to follow on theeeeze games later on in the week when we get time!---like! 

Monday 16 April 2012

THE TOON RESORVES 3 THE COCKNEY REDS RESORVES 6---played TONEET!

Posted '10:20pm bells' Monday 16th April 2012


The forst of a resorve 'double heeder' took place toneet @ Blue Flames, Benton when wor second string lost to Salford's equivalent @ '7 bells' in a *live telly game!

 The visitors won 6-3  to win the leagues northern section

The Toons goals were scored by Brad Inman, Phil Airey (pen) and Dan Taylor and unbelievebly we were 3-0 up at this point!
But the Salford Boys came back with SIX goals to seal wor fate!

Attendance:597

*Aa say 'live telly', coz the match waz bein' shown on MUTV

Then on Thorsday neet, aalso @ 7 bells', we switch to St James' Park<(and aalways will be!) where Team Northumbria make their forst ever visit to 'The Cathedral on the Hill' in the Northumberland Senior Cup final.

Season ticket holder DE have to pay to get into this one and it's 'a fiver' and £3 for concessions

Match report as usual to follow

Saturday 14 April 2012

SHEFF WED U18s v THE TOON U18s---TODAY @ 'HIGH NOON'!

Posted '7:30am bells' Saturday 14th April 2012
TODAYS DESTINATION!
MIDDLEWOOD---SHEFF WED'S
TRAININ' GROOND!

@ dinnertime today the most important game in The Toon's season so far, takes place!---NO! a'm not taalkin' aboot a Toon forst team game, az we divvint have one, coz wor intended opponents Chelski are playin' in the FA Cup semi finals tomorrow against Spors------A'm actually taalkin' aboot the Morseyside derby 'semi' @ Wembley, which kicks off @ '12:30 bells'!

This iz because we aall want The Liverbirds to win, az this would esure that the SIXTH placed team in the Premya Leegue would DEFINATELEE gan into the Europa Leegue next season. (currently US who are 10 points clear of 7th)

Shud The Toffee Noses win however!--then THEY will pinch the final place and anly FIFTH place will then be good enough! (The Liverbirds aalready have a Europa Leegue place by virtue of winnin' the Leegue Cup!)

Because 'The Geordie Times mad-sad groundhoppers' have ne forst team game to gan te, wor intention today, iz to travel to sooth Yorkshire instead for 'high noon bells' and watch the Under 18s (who are top of the table!) in action against Sheff Wed's equivelant (who are bottom!) and finally 'tick off' 'groond number 285', which wud have been Motspur Park in London, had we got in last week! (see 'ground 285 NOT', in ground archive list @ the top of the page!)  

WE'LL HAVE A BETTER PICTURE BY LATE THIS AFTERNOON AZ TO WOR EUROPEAN QUALIFICATION ASPIRATIONS!
(WE'LL BE GLUED TO THE CAR RADIO FOR LIVE COMMENTARY ON THE WAY BACK FROM SHEFFIELD!)

Friday 13 April 2012

"A NIFTY FIFTY---THANK YOO VERY MUCH!"

Posted '10:20am bells' Friday the13th! of April 2012
^"ONE WE MADE ORLIER!"^
"THAT'LL BE AN *'ISAAC' PLEEZE
YOO STUPID GEORDIE TW*TS/MUGS!"

Tickets for wor forthcomin' game @ Stamford Bridge on Wednesday 2nd May against The Kings Road OAP's will cost a woppin' FIFTY QUID a ticket for the 'priviledge'? of sittin'/standin'! in the corner flag section of the groond!
Not suprizinglee they are still on sale to season ticket holders!

*'Issac' iz 'Cockney Rhymin' slang' for a fifty poond note, coz 'Isaac Newton' used to be on them! ("Er!"---since renamed a 'Marilyn' by The Geordie Times!)



Az mentioned yesterday, wor game @ The JJB Stadium<(we gan by it's origional name!) against 'The Blue Wigs' on Saturday 28th April iz a complete selloot to Toon fans, with 4,500 tickets bein' snapped up @ HALF THE PRICE! of a Chelski ticket!

We have been refused extra tickets for this game and be warned!---yoo will be unable to buy tickets for the home sections on the day of the game, unless yoo are aalready registered with them! (which yoo obviouslee WONT BE!) 

Taalk aboot cuttin' your nose off--to spite your face!!?

Thursday 12 April 2012

ENGLAND U18's 2 SCOTLAND U18's 0---FULL TIME SCORE FROM ST JAMES' PARK!---GEORDIE BOYS WIN IT!

Updated 11:55pm bells' Thorsday 12th April 2012
ST JAMES' PARK---THE EAST STAND

"A 'SWEET' 'GEORDIE' VICTORY FOR ENGLAND!"

Toneet an England v Scotland schoolboy international took place @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be!) and it kicked off  @ '8:05 bells' for live coverage on SKY.

ENGLAND U18's WON 2-0 and their goals were scored by Tynesiders Michael SWEET (who plays for GATESHEED COLLEGE) in the 61st minute when he chipped the Jocks keeper and Peter GLEN-RAVENHILL (who plays for ST THOMAS MORE RC in NORTH SHIELDS) then added a 2nd in the 80th minute when he toe poked the baall home.
Both goals were scored @ The Gallowgate End.
Attendance: 2,535

Meeenwhile!--and on a completleee different subject!---wor trip to 'The Blue Wigs' @ The JJ Stadium <(we gan by it's origional name!) on Saturday 28th April iz a complete selloot for Toon fans with 4,500 tickets sold!

Wednesday 11 April 2012

THE TOON RESORVES 0 THE ARSE RESORVES 1

Posted '9:00am bells' Wednesday 11th April 2012

FANS HUDDLE UNDERNEATH THE SMAALL
STANDIN' SHELTER IN THE CORNER OF
THE GROOND FROM THE POURIN' RAIN

A closely fought contest @ Blue Flames, Benton saw a very youth Toon team gan doon by the anly goal of the game in the incessant rain.

The goal came in the 16 minute when The Arse, attackin' 'The Inter City 125 End' (not far from where the trains gan past!) scored through Thomas Eisfeld. The Jawman forward hit a low shot from inside the box to beat Jak Alwick in The Toon goal.

The Arse dominated for lang periods in the forst half, but we had the better of the second period az the 'Freda Paine' came lashin' doon and we were unlucky not to equalise through efforts from Marcus Maddison, Phil Airey and Micheal Richardson.

This waz wor EIGHTH defeat in a row and we now face league leaders Man U @ Blue Flames next Monday neet and the signs divvint look good az they put SIX past us orlier this year doon in Altrincham!

Attendance: 385 (a Few Arse shirts were knockin' aboot in the crowd---probably students!) 

Tuesday 10 April 2012

THE TOON RESORVES v THE ARSE RESORVES---TONEET @ '7 BELLS'

Posted '3:30pm bells' Tuesday 10th April 2012

Toneet @ Blue Flames the resorves tek on The Arses equivelent in an FA Premier Resorve League match in front of spectators for a change!

Unlike the Fulham Fiasco we encoontered last week in sooth Landan, we will actually see the game from INSIDE the groond this time! (see ground 285--NOT! in 'Archive grounds list')

Match report to follow later!

Monday 9 April 2012

THE TOON 2 'NE WHERE NEAR BOLTON', WANDERERS 0!

Updated '11:30am bells' Tuesday 10th April 2012

An absoloootleee brilliant run from Hatam Ben Arfa broke the deadlock in this stalemate and hiz goal will sureleee be in contention for goal of the season!

The forst half waz a 'bore draw' with Bolton obviously comin' for a point in their bid to avoid the drop.
'Uncle' Ben Arfa (centre) scores hiz brilliant goal
@ The Gallowgate End

Both teams were 'even stevens' until 'Uncle Bens' fabulous run at just after the mid point in the 2nd half, when he ran ower half the length of the pitch, beatin' half the Bolton team in the process to fire in a fabulous goal to break the deadlock!
Cisse (far post) score wor second and decisive goal!

'Super sub' Shola Ameobi ensured that we secured the valuable three points when hiz pinpoint cross foond non otha tha Demba Papiss Cisse who had the easy task of toe pokin' the baall into the net past the dispairin' Wanderers keeper to secure goal number TEN in just nine games since he signed for us!

Otha results went wor way az well with 'The Toffee Noses' hammerin' Moanin' Martins SMB's
fower -nil!--- meanin' that they cannot now catch us!---and Spors lost 2-1 to Norwich at home!---Meanwhile! The OAP's of Chelski cud anly draw 1-1 with Fulham to leave us TWO points clear of them!

We are nuw equal fourth with Spors and just two points behind 'The Arse' in wor unlikeleee bid for a  Champions League place!----dafter things have happened?--- but the 52,000 plus crowd who witnessed this will be 'ower the moon' with this result! ("Er""---that's apart from the thoosand or so who had travelled up from Horwich (where Bolton play!) in 'Level 7'

Toon team:Krul Simpson, Santon, Williamson, Coloccini, Ben Arfa (R Taylor 85), Perch (Ferguson 46), Gutierrez, Ba (Shola Ameobi 64), Cisse 
Attendance: 52,264 (1,000 Wanderers)

(See latest league table below)

PS: 'The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge'  haz now reached the dizzy heights of 98 drinkin' dens' and this will be updated later on this week!

THE TOON v 'NE WHERE NEAR' BOLTON, WANDERERS!---TOODAY @ '3 BELLS'

Posted '8:25am bells' Easter Monday 8th April 2012
"Swanzee have been beaten and the Easter eggs have been eaten!", az we gan for five wins in a row today, when we play 'Ne Were near Bolton' this afternoon @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be!)
They will have 1,000 fans in 'Level 7' of 'The Leazes' and anotha 50,000 crowd iz predicted by us!

A win will tek us to within two points of 'The Arse' again, who are in thord place and divvint play til Wednesday, while both Chelski and Spors both play today in the race for 'The Champions League/Europa League'! (see league table below)

Az far az 'The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge' gans, we are nuw on 95 'drinkin dens' and are on 'the last lap' az we 'lap up the liquid'!

We are startin' to struggle a bit to find boozers that are actually open, (like 'The Quilted Camel', 'The Blacky Boy' and 'Trillions', which are aalways shut when we've attempted to visit them!?) and today we are heedin' back to the Central Station area to try and de a couple more before the match?

Footnote: Bolton's Reebok Stadium groond in Horwich iz actually nearer to Wigan's toon centre than Bolton's!---hence wor name for them, az it's 'ne where near' Bolton!

Match report to follow later toneet az usual ('100 Pub Crawl' later this week!)

Saturday 7 April 2012

THE SWAN LAKERS 0 THE TOON 2---A 'VERY!' GOOD FRIDAY!----INDEED!!

Posted '10:45am bells' Easter Saturday 7th March 2012
"ONE FOR THE LADIES!"

Anotha fantastic win keeps us within touchin' distance of a Champions League place az we are now just TWO points behind Spors az I speak and THREE above Chelski.
Of course results ower the weekend could change aall this, but we shud 'milk it' while we can!

Demba Papiss Cisse again provided the goals with hiz forst comin' in just the 5th minute when Yohan Cabaye supplied a through baall to Cisse and he ran through to place his shot past the advancin' Swans keeper Vorm, to put us 1-0 up!

Swanzee applied pressure on The Toon's defence for lang periods but they couldn't make the breakthrough and we went in at half time with that goal advantage.

The Toon (in their 'orangemen' change strip) attack the Swanzee goal

Swanzee again bombarded wor goal in the second period, but it waz aall in vain az Cisse again waz wor savior, when on a break doon the right hand side from us, chipped a brilliant lob ower Vorm from a tight angle to send the 2,000 or so travellin' faithful behind that goal, who had made the 350 plus mile jorney doon to this  sooth Wales outpost, into ecstatic celebrations! (see top photo!) 

This brought the now inevitable chant of: "Jose Enrique---we're in the top FIVE!"

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Perch, Santon, Gutierrez, Cabaye (Gosling 73), Ben Arfa, Tiote (Ryan Taylor 46), Cisse, Ba (Ferguson 59)

Attendance: 19,874 (estimated 2,000 very happy Toon fans!)

(more updates to follow on wor very lang trip, when we get time!)

Friday 6 April 2012

THE SWAN LAKERS v THE TOON---TOODAY @ '4:30 BELLS'!

Posted '6:25am bells' Good Friday 6th April 2012

In just ower half an hours time we will be settin' off for sooth Wales in Blondie Alan's jam jar for wor Good Friday jaunt to Swanzee to see Cedric the Swan!

To be honest with yoo, a'm a bit 'appreeehensive' aboot drivin' doon---and with good f***** reason! after wot happened the last time we were here!

And for this reason alone, I make ne apologeee for diggin' up the match report from wor one and anly previous visit to The Liberty Stadium in 2010---a 'Disaster Day' if ever there waz one! (reproduced for yiz aall below---once again!)
(Does anythin EVER gan reet for us!??? (for those of yoo who havvent read it, scroll fortha doon the page for the 'Disaster Day' 'Fulham resorve report' from last Tuesday afternoon!)

Az per usual The GeordieTimes will post a 'match report when we eventually retorn! (hopefully NOT on the back of an AA breakdoon truck like last time!---read on!---rrreeeeed fffuu****n onnnnn!

ARCHIVE GROUNDS MATCH REPORT LIST