Friday, 31 July 2020

"IT COULD ANLY HAPPEN TO 'US'!"

Posted '7:45pm bells' Groundhog day 2020!


Updated on Friday '10:00am bells!

*I nearly crashed mee truck az I passed Wetherby at '3:30 bells' yesterday afternooon when I hord the news on the radio!

We must aall back Amanda Staveley to see if the deal can be resurrected!

"LET'S BACK AMANDA!"πŸ’–

Wednesday, 29 July 2020

"COME ON YOO SWANZ!"

Posted '7:56am bells' Wedinzday 29th July 2020
Updated '9:47pm bells'
SWANZEE'Z MASCOT
'CEDRIC THE SWAN!'

The 2nd leg of the Championship play off semi final takes place tooneet between Brentfaad and Swanzee at Griffin Park!

And 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be rooting for The Swanz who have a 1-0 lead from the 1st leg!
The reason we want Swanzee to win is simple!
We've been to The Liberty Stadium before, but Brentfaad are playin their last ever game at their present groond and are moving a mile doon the road to a new stadium next season!

This meenz that if THEY win promotion, NUFC will be playin at their new home next season and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that we will get them away orly in the season!

Az fans will still not be able to attend games til at least October, this would meen that we would be denied a new groond, to tick off wor list!

Personally, I have to gan back 41 years for the last time I missed a competitive NUFC 1st team game on a NEW GROOND and for this reason alone, I divvint want them to be promoted!

"COME ON YOO SWANZ!"

Updated '9:47pm bells'
Devastatin' news for 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' 😭
az Brentfaad won 3-1, to gan through to the final on Sunday, where they will play eethaa Fulim or Cardiff, for a place in the Premyaa Leegue!

Monday, 27 July 2020

NUFC *** FROM POLE VAULTERS!---TO LIMBO DANCERS!



Posted '9:00pm bells' Munday 27th July 2020


UNDER THE JOHN HALL/FREDDIE SHEPHERD OWNERSHIP!
TOP 5 FINISHIN' POSITIONS
2nd (1995-96) 2nd(1996-97) 3rd (1993-94) 3rd(2002-03) 4th (2001-02)
NOT FORGETTIN' 3 APPEARANCES IN THE CHAMPIONS LEEGUE IN
 1997-98, 2002-03 and 2003-04!



UNDER 'THE FAT CONTROLLER'S OWNERSHIP!
TOP 5 FINISHIN' POSITIONS
5th (2011-12) 10th (2013-14) 10th (2017-18) 12th (2007-08) 12th (2010-11)
NOT FORGETTIN' 2 RELEGATIONS IN 
2008-09 and 2015-16!

*Unless the takeower actually happens, we will be 'limbo dancin' once again next season, for sure! 


* PS: The bar can't get much lower---can it!?

Sunday, 26 July 2020

THE TOON 1 THE LIVERBIRDS 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '9:15pm bells' Sunday 26th July 2020
"THEY'VE MISSED THE GOAL!"
'PIST ONE PETE' ANGRILY POINTS AT THE TELLY IN ROSIE'S BAR
AZ THE CAMERAMAN MISSES WOR OPENIN' GOAL!

"OH SO PREDICTABLE!"

NUFC ended the season with a whimper, despite scoring inside 25 seconds, which of course, the telly cameras missed!  (Anothaa reason to be at the game and NOT watchin on from a pub, a club, or in your livin room!)
VIEW OF THE GALLOWGATE END THROUGH 
THE CHINESE ARCH! (JUST!)

Jonjo Shelvey had taken a very quick free kick which caught the Liverbirds defence, napping, the baall foond Dwight Gayle who buried it into the net at The Leazes End!
The cameras had focused on an injury to Saint-Maximin and missed the goal completely, with them showing the baall hittin the back of the net, but NOT Gayle's strike!  (Very poor show by camera operator!)

However,  Liverpoool were back on level terms 8 minutes before the break, through Van Dijk, who sent a looping heeder ower Dubravka, in the Toon goal!
(Predicably the camera DIDN'T miss this one!)

The Liverbirds stepped up the pace in the 2nd half az we brought on Joelinton with a brand new maroon hairdye to put the fear of god into wor visitors defence!(NOT!)

But 'it mattered not' az the 'Mickey Mousers' took the lead, when Origi hit a shot across the box on the hour mark to beat Dubraka---and near the end it woz 3-1 to the new champions when Mane aalso hit an identical shot across the box, to wrap the game up!

The result meenz that wor manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' haz taken just ONE point in the last five games and that wor record £40 million signin' Joelinton, will gan doon az wor worst number 9 ever, with just ONE solitary home goal in The Premyaa Leegue this season! (and just ONE away!)

Indeed!---Everton's Calvert-Lewin (2) and Tottenham's Harry Kane (2), have scored more Premyaa Leegue goals at St. James' Park, than Joelinton, who haz played in every one of wor 19 home games this season! (17 from the startin line ups and the last 2 from the subs bench!) 
(Yih couldn't make it up!)

Toon team:

*Official Attendance in Rosie's Bar doonstairs: 31 including 2 barstaff, 2 bouncers and the manageress!
(Upstairs Attendance not known, az aa cannit see through bar ceilings!)


CARTOON 'NICKED' FROM 'TRUE FAITH' FANZINE---"CHEERS!"

*
*

THE TOON v THE LIVERBIRDS *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

Posted '10:01am bells' Sunday 26th July 2020
NUFC'S NEW KIT FOR NEXT SEASON!

NUFC play wor final game of the season against the champions of Ingerland, Europe and the world in a few hours time! ('4:00 bells')

Neebody aa naa iz confident aboot us gettin anything from 'The Liverbirds', but this IZ NUFC and anything can happen!

The Toon will wear wor new kit tomorrow, which iz a throwback to thinner black n white stripes, which look much better than the fat stripes we have been playin in!

We are heedin for 'Rosie's Bar once again, which iz near St. James' Park on the corner of Chinaatoon, to watch the game, barely 200 yards away!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here in due course---of course!----Az per usual 'watch this space' for the TENTH NUFC mad-sad Tellyhoppers' report 'in a row'!

PS: The new season starts in just under 7 weeks time! 
48 days actually, on Saturday 12th September!
And will end on Sunday 23rd May 2021!
Fans are set to be let in from October, with a limited number of fans in attendance!
17,000 at The Toon we understand!
But who do they let in with ower 30,000 season ticket holders last season!???  (NOT includin the 10,000 they gave away, to fill the groond!)

Footnote: 'Broken Nose Bruce' iz convinced that he will still be the NUFC manager next season as he 'gently' applies the pressure on wor current owner 'The Fat Controller' to release funds to make us into a top 10 side!  (FAT chance!)

And look just how far wor expectation have fallen under hiz (lack of) leadership!

Bobby Robson woz SACKED when we were 5th in the table, as it woz deemed, "Not good enough!", at the time!

Saturday, 25 July 2020

MP SPEAKS AT LAST ABOOT TAKEOWER!

Posted '12:30pm bells Saturday 25th July 2020

MP for Gatesheed and an avid Toon fan Ian Mearns, who we know, has spoken at last aboot the NUFC takeower after FOWER MONTHS SILENCE!
The letter below woz written to Richard Masters, the cheef executive of The Premyaa Leegue a few days ago!
The letter woz aalso sent to Toon Central MP Chi Onwurah



*It seems to us that 'Mearnsy' is 'sitting on the fence', fearful of repercussions, whatever he says! (Just like Richard Masters!)

Friday, 24 July 2020

GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE! *** BRUCE HAZ SOMETHING IN THE PIPELINE!

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Friday 24th July 2020

Sensational news reaches us aboot wot the future holds for NUFC!
Wor manager, 'Broken Nose Bruce' haz said "The longer you are in The Premier League, the bigger and better you become!" 
(Last season 13th place---this season 13th OR 14th place!?)
 With nee news whatsoever aboot the takeower, 'Broken Nose Bruce' haz aalso said that "We must plan for the future and move on!" and that he haz "Something in the pipeline!" as regards to future purchases!



HE WASN'T LYIN' EETHAA!

Thursday, 23 July 2020

JOYOUS NEWS FOR THE NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS!

Posted '7:37am bells' Thorsday 23rd July 2020
CEDRIC THE SWAN
(SWANZEE'Z MASCOT!)

Aa woz watchin SKY Sports news last neet on the last day of The Championship, az the results came in--and the great news for NUFC fans iz that Brentford failed to win automatic promotion!

Why am I SO happy with this news?
Well! Brentford are moving to a new groond next season!
Normally aa would be praying that they would win automatic  promotion and we would be playin them at their new abode, to tick off a new groond!

 BUT! of course, these are NOT normal times and we could well have faced them away early next season BEHIND CLOSED DOORS and therefore miss oot on a new groond--for the forst time in 41 years (The last time aa missed a competitive game on a 'new groond', in the UK or Europe!)

Of course Brentford ARE in the play offs, where they will play Swanzee in the semi finals and could well come up to 'The Premyaa' by winning the final at Wembley!

Therefore! 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be rooting for Swanzee, as of course we have been to their groond before and could just aboot bear 'the pain' of missin that game! (The pain of missin a game on a new groond would be unbearable!)

"Come on yoo Swanz"!

Tuesday, 21 July 2020

TOON IN LIMBO DANCER MODE!

Posted '9:53pm bells' Tuesday 21st July 2020
"HOW MUCH LOWER CAN THE BAR GET?!

With wor last game against The Liverbirds next Sunday and with the transfor window due to open a few days later, NUFC are STILL nee nearer forward with the takeower and are in complete limbo az to wot will eventually happen!?

It's shear incompetence to keep us in the dark and surely The Premyaa Leegues supremo haz made hiz minds up now after 4 lang months of torture!---SURELY!?

Neebody reeely naaz wot will happen, but if the takeower DOESNT happen, then we will gan on a doonward spiral for certain!-----More season ticket holders will jump ship, az well az the 10,000 who have aalready done so and 'social distancing' will not be a problem!, shud 'The Fat Controller' still be at the helm!

"Richard Masters, are yoo listening"???

Wor manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' 'finks' we are deein OK and woz 'delighted' with wor performance in the 0-0 draw with Brightin last neet? 
(Divvint naa of anybody else who 'finks' the same---ONE shot on target aall game and absolutleee nee entertainment on view for the NUFC Tellyhoppers, watchin from afar!) 

And then he added that it woz important to him to keep above Brightin in the table?----13th OK then?---BRIGHTIN??? wow!-- How low is THAT 'bar' and how far have wor expectations fallen in the last 13 years of 'The Fat Controller's 'reign'?
He aalso says that he would have taken the 44 points we have mustered at the start of the season! (ie: Avoid relegation at aall cost---attractive futbaall and trophies 'matter NOT'!)

Like we say, should the takeower fail, then we are in for yet anothaa winter of discontent for certain!

"SO FOR GODS SAKE MASTERS, PASS IT!"





Monday, 20 July 2020

NEE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTIN 0 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '8:55pm bells' Munday 20th July 2020
A RARE TOON ATTACK AZ 'BREWDOG' WATCHES ON
(WE PLAYED IN WOR ORANGE CHANGE KIT)

The first half woz yet anothaa reason to hope (and pray!) that the takeower finally happens, as it woz enough to send yoo into a deep, deep sleep! "ZZZzzz!!!"

NEE shots on target and just one chance which Dwight Gayle heeded ower the bar into the away end!---Where WE shudiv been and not watchin on the telly 360 miles north of The Amex Stadium!

Brightin wornt much better and the game had nil-nil written aall ower it!
Brightin just needing one point to stay up and NUFC seemingly content to run oot a scoreless draw, with nowt to play for, except to try and finish in 12th place! (13th at the kick off!)

Almiron then had wor forst effort on target, which woz deflected roond the post by the Brightin keeper in the 50th minute!

And then the 'highlight' of the 2nd half!---A drinks break at Brightin!---and in wor hoose!, with Brewdog, mee faithful companion!
"A WELL ORND DRINKS BREAK!---IN WOR HOOSE, THAT IZ!"


Meanwhile in Maynooth, Ireland, a 'NUFC Mad-Sad Tellyhopper' caalled 'John from Ireland' (wot else?) haz a drinks break of anothaa kind!
"WE MUST BE 'POTTY' WATCHIN' THIS!"

The game predictably petered oot with subs Andy Carroll and Joelinton comin on for Gayle and Saint-Maximin!

A late heeder from Carroll just whizzed past the post, his 32nd Premyaa Leegue game in a row without scoring (accordin to the commentator!)

Az aa predicted, the game ended goalless, which meenz that the highest we can finish is 13th----wor average top flight position since 'The Fat Controller' bought us in 2007!

Anothaa reason for the takeower to gan through!
"PLEEEZE, GOD!"πŸ™

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Fernandez, Krafth, Rose, Bentaleb, Shelvey, Richie, Almiron (Lazaro 86), Gayle (Carroll 74), Saint-Maximin (Joelinton 74)

Official attendance in wor hoose: 'Me' and Brewdog and a bottle of 'DOG'! (Newcasil Broon Ale)

PS: We say 'Nee Where Near Brightin' az their groond iz in the middle of 'nee where'---miles from Brightin!)



Sunday, 19 July 2020

"THEY'VE EVEN HOYED THE KITCHEN SINK IN TO TRY AND SINK US!"

Posted '10:40am bells' Sunday 19th July 2020
Tomorrow evenin we take on 'Nee Where Near' Brightin' (coz there groond iz 6 miles away from their centre, in the middle of nee where!)
in wor last away game of the season!
Again,wor manager, 'Broken Nose Bruce' has said that wor squad has been desimated and that at least 8 players will be missin'!

This game comes az wor takeower gans into yet anothaa week (lost count now?) with everythin' INCLUDIN' the kitchen sink bein hoyed into the works to try and stop it!

It truly is amazing that this haz been gannin on since the beginnin' of April and iz STILL NOT RESOLVED!

3 weeks ago Premyaa Leegue cheef executive, Richard ' I can't make my mind up' Masters, said a decision would be "made shortly" (in his words)

'Shortly' to yoo and me meenz a few days, but in Masters case it meenz a few MONTHS!

He has GOT to make a decision 'shortly' (sic!) or else the whole thing could unravel in a downward spiral and gan doon the PLUG HOLE!

PS: A full and compreehensive Tellyhoppers match report will appear here in due course!

Saturday, 18 July 2020

BARROW BOYS!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 18th July 2020

On this weekend two years ago we faced Barrow at their Holker Street ground for a second string pre season friendly!

Barrow, of course have just returned to The Futbaall Leegue after a 50 year absence and we reproduce wor archive match report from that game below!

334 Holker Street, Barrow

Ground number 334 
(138th ground visited that has staged League Football)
(169th ground visited including Scottish League)
Date of First Visit: 16th July 2018
Holker Street, Barrow in Furness

Barrow 2
Newcastle United U23s 3

Friendly fixture
Attendance: 400 est

"THE THORD OF A THOOSAND CLUB!"

SORENSEN'S 1st GOAL
(GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!)

A'd 'binned' the fight ticket to Dublin for wor game v St Pats az NUFC had arranged a game at short notice in Barrow and we sent the U23 squad there on the day aa woz due to fly!

Az Barrow's Holker Street groond woz an ex Futbaall Leegue groond aa HAD to gan and caught the train to Barrow via Carlisle at the exact time aa woz due to fly to Ireland!
The train jawnee woz torture and took 4 and a half hours with 30 odd stops and I arrived (eventually!) at '4:30 bells' and heeded for the nearest ale hoose which woz caalled The Furness Railway!
At £1.99 for a pint of 'Smiths' aa wasnt gannih gan anywhere else az the groond woz just a 10 minute waalk away!


The usual 'saddos' who gan to these games (like me!) then started to appear, namely Biffa the Beer (he likes the broon stuff!), Dave fom York and hiz 'sidekick' Alex of St George!
After a few more 'gargels' it woz time to heed for the clubhoose at the groond, before finally makin wor way inside just before the kick off!




The Toon's 2nd string came from behind to win this thrillin encoontaa 3-2 in Barrow 'the back of beyond'!

John Rooney the bruvva of Wayne, opened the scorin for the home side after just 4 mins on the clock
Ivan Toney equalised for NUFC just before the break with a tap in your great granny could have scored!

Sorensen then got 2 for The Toon in the 2nd period before Barrow pulled one back, but it woz too little too late az we held on for the win!

This groond meenz av past the thord of a thoosand grounds mark followin NUFC!

After the game it woz back to The Furness Railway and to pick up just wot happened next gan to ground 335 report!
(Much more to follow when aa get time!----got to catch a ferry to Dublin for wor 1st teams game at St Patricks Athletic!)

Friday, 17 July 2020

THE UNDERTAKER AND LIAM FROM THE LAMP *** LOST BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN!

Posted '10:15am bells' Friday 17th July 2020
THE 'ALDER SWEENEY' MEMORIAL GARDEN' AT ST. JAMES' PARK

On this day six years ago John Alder 'The Undertaker' and Liam Sweeney 'From the Lamp' were on their way to New Zealand to watch The Toon in pre season friendlies.
They never got there az their plane waz shot doon ower The Ukraine and they perished alang with nearly 300 others!

Wor games are currently bein' played behind closed doors, but we are sure that both John and Liam were 'both there', lookin' doon from heaven watchin' NUFC!

They may be lost but they will never be forgotten by those who knew them well (like me) and those who had never met them!

RIP Lads!

Thursday, 16 July 2020

THE TOON 1 SPORZ 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

 Posted '8:15am bells' Thorsday 16th July 2020
2 LIQUID REFRESHMENT BREAKS
1 AT ST. JAMES' PARK AND 1
IN GRANDBAIRNS HOOSE!

"Come on you yellows?"

The expected 8 changes to the Toon line up didnt materialise and anly 3 changes were made to the team that started against Wotfaad last Saturday!

The breakthrough came in the 27th minute with Song scoring for Sporz with a shot which went just inside the post at The Gallowgate End, followin a mistayk by Schar in the Toon defence!

A pinpoint Shelvey cross foond the heed of Dwight Gayle and hiz glancing heeder hit the post, but cruelly rebounded back into play in the 38th minute!
MATT RICHIE GOAL!

And then with 11minutes of the 2nd half played Matt Richie hit a screamer from the edge of the box to level things!

However the lea
d lasted barely 4 minutes as Harry Kane heeded past Dubravka to restore the visitors lead and give Kane hiz 200th career goal!

He aalso put the final nail in wor coffin in the dyin'
embers of the game, with anothaa heeder after Dubravka had palmed a shot in his direction!

A'd watched the match In mee grandbairns hoose, az aa didnt have time to gan to The 3 Bulls as intended, as aa finished work late!

They had crowd noise switched on and I swear that the fantom Sporz fans were singin "Come on you yellows!" (They played in light blue!)
Must make an appointment to get mee hearin' tested!😳

Toon team: Dubravka, Krafth, Schar, Fernandez, Yedlin (Lazaro 55), Bentaleb (Matty Langstaff 86), Shelvey, Ritchie, Gayle (Joelinton 69), Saint-Maximin, Almiron

Official attendance in grandbairns hoose: 4!
HALF TIME BREAK
KAI GETS SOME PRATICE IN!
(SPOT THE TOON CREST!)


MAL FROM DARLO'S NUFC MAD SAD TELLYHOPPERS
LIQUID REFRESMENT BREAK!
(OR SHUD THAT BE MAD SAD LAPTOPHOPPERS BREAK?)

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Wednesday, 15 July 2020

THE TOON V SPORZ *** TEATIME TODAY!

Posted '8:00am bells' Wedinzday 15th July 2020
at Ferrybridg, north Yorkshire (On mee way to Redditch, Worcestershire)

Later today NUFC play the penultimate home game of the season against Sporz.

Wor manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' says that we have quite a few injuries and so the team will be completly different to the ones that faced Man City and Wotfaad in the last week! (At least 8 players are oot, or are doubtful!)


Not sure where we are watchin game today, but a table in 'The 3 Bulls' has been booked and assuming aa get finished graft by '5 15 bells', after mee 'truck run' to Redditch---that's where aa'll watch it!
(If not, aa will have to find somewhere else, due to time restraints!)

A full Geordie Times tellyhoppers report will appear here eventually!

Tuesday, 14 July 2020

"WEAZE 'KEYS' ARE THEAZE!"

Posted '7:25pm bells' Munday 14th July 2020

"NOW WE NAA JUST WHY KEYS DOESN'T WANT THE NUFC TAKEOWER TO HAPPEN!"

Monday, 13 July 2020

QUEEN OF THE SOUTH 1984 *** BIG JACK'S FORST MATCH IN CHARGE OF NUFC

Posted '7:30pm bells' Munday 13th July 2020
BIG JACK SITS IN THE EAST STAND PADDOCK 
JUST AFTER HIZ APPOINTMENT AZ NUFC MANAGER!

Aa met Big Jack Charlton for the forst time---at a half time buffet in hiz forst Toon game in charge in August 1984----and he woz non to pleazed to see me and othaa Toon fans nickin' the scran in the hospitality lounge!

A'v highlighted that paragraph in gold writin' in the archive ground report of that game 36 years ago, which iz printed below!

Big Jack woz indeed a larger than life character in more ways than one, az he towered above us that day!

The anly othaa time aa met him woz  at a friendly at Berwick Rangers a few days later in the car park next to the groond after the game---Jack spoke to me and said he had lost hiz car keys and had locked himsel oot of hiz car!
He then went back into the main reception to see if he could find them!---To this day I have nee idea if he ever foond them!?

R.I.P. Big Jack!

069 palmerston park queen of the south


(GROUND NUMBER 69)
Date of First Visit: 4th AUGUST 1984
PALMERSTON PARK, DUMFRIES, SCOTLAND



QUEEN OF THE SOUTH 1
NEWCASTLE UNITED 1 (Beardsley)




FRIENDLY FIXTURE
ATTENDANCE 2,000 (500 Toon fans)








GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND (Part One)




Mary-queen of the south? 



























"69's THE BEST WAY!"


The Toon's 'Grand Tour of Scotland' in the summer of '84' kicked off at the 'grandly' titled 'Queen of the South' which is situated in the toon of Dumfries a few miles ower the border from Carlisle.
A 'boat load' of us met up at 'the Central' and crammed into the back of a battered tranny van and on the way up we picked 'Grumpy Stumpy' up from his granneez hoose in Throckley.




The van was an 'aad wreck' with nee seats in the back (Er!---apart from a couple of beer crates!) and two of the company who were 'on the hoy' aalready (and who shall remain nameless!) decided that they urgently needed to gan to the 'tool shed' and procceded tih get a 'gypsies kiss' on the side of the van!.




The driver, (Aka: ME!----who did'nt want the van covered in p**s!) drove off suddenly at high speed!, leavin' them in full view of Stumpy's gran's livin' room window, danglin' their d***s! in one hand (whilst still drinkin' their cans of Broon with the otha!)
(ER!---change that tih 'nameless and SHAMEless'!)




'Stumpy', to say the least waz NOT! a 'happy bunny' and he tried to shield his gran from the 'horror show' by usin' his 'flab'uous frame' to stand in front of hor! (NOT! a pretty sight!)----(ER!,the lads gettin' a 'gypsies'!)--- (NOT!-Stumpys' frame!)
He was now dyin' of accute embarrassment! and (very!) quickly said hiz 'goodbyes' to his 'shell-shocked' granny and hoyed himsel into the 'tranny', tellin' iz to 'move it', 'sharp'ish'!
and so 'off we sped'!




The best way to get there was alang the A69 via 'Hadrians Waall' and as coincidence would have it, this was mee 69th groond watchin' 'The Toon' in action.
The toon of Dumfries, (as we soon foond oot!) waz a drinkers paradise!, with scores of drinkin' dens nestlin' on the riverside and beyond. BUT!--- more importantly!--- it was within easy reach of the groond, who's floodlights could be seen in the distance.




Newcastle had just won promotion back to the 'top flight', and expectations were high followin' 'Special 'K's (Kevin Keegan's) premature retirement at the end of the previous season.
Durin' the close season, manager Arthur Cox had sensationally resigned, and 'Big Jack' Charlton had been instaalled as the new manager, and this was his forst game in charge.




A total of ten of us had travelled from Tyneside in the 'aad wreck', which was tih be wor home for the next couple of days!.
The 'interminable ten' (wharrever that meenz?) dived oot the van and into the forst 'waaterin' hole', appropriately named, 'The Hole in the Wall'!, where the forst 'liquids' went doon 'without touchin' the sides'!
If mee memory sorves iz well, the 'ten', were---lang haired Mac, Marty, Santy Sant, Windy Wind, Grumpy Stumpy, Ronny the Hunter, Tex Taylor, Bob 'Patter', meesel and Jimmy the Mask, (so caalled coz he aalways looked like he was wearin' a clowns mask!)




After de'in 'The Grand Tour' of the 'Dives of Dumfries', it waz time tih gan tih the game, so wih trundled across the river and heeded for the floodlights.
Like aa say, expectations were high for the new season---but!, they would soon be dashed by the boys from Dumfries. (Reeed on!)




The groond was'nt as bad as a'd expected with cover on three sides, although the 'side' opposite us (knaan locally az 'The Jimmy Jolly Bullshed'---would you beleeeve!?) waz cordoned off because the roof waz unsafe (apparently)




The Toon had several chances orly on, with the best faallin' to Kenny Wharton, who blasted a shot which rebounded off the woodwork to full back Alan Broon, (Brown!) who, 'skied' the simple chance before him (some six yards oot!) and hit it way ower the bar!




Aa waz sittin' next to an 'old timer' in the main stand, and he telt iz that he'd followed 'Queens' since the club was founded in 1919, and that he had'nt missed a home game in aall that time!, which is quite some record.
He'd started gannin when he was five years aad, and sixty five years later he was still gannin. (Now that's what aa CAALL! a supporter!)




His lifetime of loyalty was rewarded soon after Broon's miss, when a deflected shot came off a Toon player and a grateful Queen's forward (who's name I have nee relection of!) slotted the baall past Kevin 'Carzzy' Carr in the Newcastle goal!
That's the way it stayed till the break and 'Big Jack' waz not pleezed az he stormed off doon the tunnel, tihwards the dressin' rooms!




We! (on the otha hand!) 'stormed' towards the 'tool shed' and on the way back we took a wrang turnin' and ended up in the players hospitality lounge!-----There was loads of scran on a huge table and this was an opportunity not to be missed!---- SO! (az yih de!) we got 'stuck in' to the wares on offer!
'Big Jack' suddenly stuck his heed around the corner and he was 'non too pleeezed' to see us 'scrannin' HIS! half time buffet as he stood there slurpin' a cup of 'John McNamee'! (remember him???)
He just gave us one of those: 'What the F*** are yeez lot de'in in here, nickin aall mee scran'---looks!, as he took a swig from his cup, before disappearin' with a cheese stotty back towards the dressin' rooms in a rage!




Hiz half time 'bollockin' obviously did the trick az within ten minutes of the restart, Peter Beardsley had chipped the Queen of the South keeper to put wih back on level torms.
Things however went doonhill from this point and the game 'petered' oot and finished one's a piece!
(The best 'move of the match' waz actually made az the ref blew for full time, when we made for the nearest booza a few hundred yards from the groond, next tih the river!)
Not a good start for 'Big Jacks' reign!




Queen of the South, incidently, are so caalled because the toon of Dumfries is known as Scotlands 'fair queen of the south', but rumours persist that it was because Mary 'Queen of Scots' used to live in a  medival castle owerlookin' Palmerston Park!. (SO!---nuw yih naa!.) (or divvint naa?--az the case may be???)




After the match wih headed for the toon centre where's there's loads of ale hooses, and decided (en-mass) tih get totally 'rat-arsed', before retirin' tih wih 'luxury'? 'five star' hotel at 'chuckin' oot time'. (aboot one 'o' clock in the mornin'!)
Before we 'retired' some of the company decided tih gan for a 'quick naked dip' in the river!---NOT! a good idea az it waz f***** freeeezzzin'!




'Windy' waz SO! blotto, he took his 'kit' off and dived in with just his socks on! (he forgot to tek them off!) and was the last to get oot.
This was unfortunate for him as the local 'Dibble' were waitin' next to the bridge as he staggered oot the river and they hoyed him in a 'meat wagon' and 'carted' him off to the local nick!
(We were luckier and 'evaded capture' and scarpered!)




We were playin' 'Hibs' at Easter Road the next day, so we staggered back to 'THE 'HOTEL VAN TRANSIT', for a few hours 'beauty sleep'!-------ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!




(The Grand Tour of Scotland----end of Part One---Part Two to follow!)








©Fink™ (the mad-sad grundhpper!)

Sunday, 12 July 2020

WOTFAAD 2 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '10:54am bells' Sunday 12th July 2020
A MINUTES SILENCE FOR FORMER TOON MANAGER 
AND WORLD CUP WINNER JACK CHARLTON 
WHO DIED ON FRIDAY!  R.I.P. 'BIG JACK'

"TOON PAY THE PENALTY-EEES!"

A game of 2 halves-- in the first NUFC dominated play and raced into a 1-0 lead at Vicarage Road through a Dwight Gayle tap in in the 23rd minute, az 'The NUFC Mad-Sad Tellyhoppers' watched from the upper deck of Rosie's Bar near St. James' Park!  It shoud have been much more, but we just couldn't double wor lead----and we payed the ultimate price for this in the 2nd period!
DWIGHT GAYLE GOAL---A SIMPLE TAP IN!


The 2nd half, like aa say, woz anothaa disaster show from 'The Orangemen' (we played in wor aall orange away kit this time!)(Bottle green v Man City on Wedinzday!)

Matt Ritchie made minimal contact with a Wotfaad forward in the box and the ref pointed to the spot!  It woz one of those 50/50 decisions where it could gan eethaa way! After a VAR check conformed it WOZ a penalty, up stepped Troy Deeney to level the scores, az he hit hiz shot doon the middle with Dubravka in the Toon goal, divin to hiz right!  1-1 after 52 minutes

Manquillo then gave away anothaa daft penalty half an hour later, when he climbed aall ower a Wotfaad striker and pulled him doon in the box!
A clear penalty this time, in my humble opinion, but Brucey thought it woz 'soft'?
After anothaa VAR check it woz again confirmed az a penalty and Deeney stepped up once more to hit his shot to the right this time, with Dubravka just gettin hiz finger tips to the baall as it hit the back of the net!   2-1 to Wotfaad!

That's the way it stayed az we hardly ventured into their half, unlike the first half, where we shud have put the game to bed!
2 defeats in a row leaves us in 13th position with 3 'behind closed doors' games to gan, before the eventual end to this very lang season!

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Lascelles (Lazaro 87), Fernandez, Rose (Krafth 79), Schar, Shelvey, Saint-Maximin, Almiron, Richie (Joelinton 72), Gayle (Bentaleb 78) 

Official attendance: 5 of us plus anothaa 5 or 6 upstairs in Rosie's, plus aboot a dozen doon stairs includin 2 bouncers and 2 bar staff and the manageress =22 or 23!?
THE VIEW OF ST. JAMES' FROM ROSIE'S UPSTAIRS BEER GARDEN!

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Friday, 10 July 2020

WOTFAAD V THE TOON *** TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted '5:46pm bells' Friday 10th July 2020

THIS is the nearest real 'quality' that NUFC will get under the current regime!

"OLD 'BROKEN NOSE' SPEAKS!"

Followin wor abysmal show against Man City durin the week, wor manager haz said that he wont tolerate a performance like that again!
He said exactly the same thing when we were humiliated in the FA Cup against the same opposition barely 10 days ago!?

He then admits that he haz yet to speak to wor absent owner 'The Fat Controller' aboot forthaa player recruitment, adding that he intends to add quality to the squad, despite not knowing just who will own wor great club by the start of the new season! (Whenever that iz?) Or indeed, if HE will still be in charge!?

He adds that he hope's we can unearth some gems like Saint-Maximin or Almiron, with nee mention at aall aboot £40 million man Joelinton!?

We will again heed for Rosie's bar near the groond tomorrow, to watch the game on the telly!

To be honest, personally a'v saved a fortune not bein able to gan to away games like Bournemoooth, Man City and now Wotfaad!

BUT! I honestly hate watchin us 'on the box' with false crowd noise and empty soulless stadiums---and would far rather be skint, than have this alternative!

"AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE!"

Az I write this, I am in The Crows Nest sitting in a designated seat, chosen by one of the bar staff, which makes the whole new pub experience crap az well!

In the Toon today the followin boozers are still shut that I have tried to get in tee!  The Bodega, Tilleys, The Star, The Welly, The Bacchus, The Monkey Bar and Trillians!

Open bars I have been tee are Lady Greys, The Junction and here in 'The Crows'!
ie: It's an open and shut case!

A full Geordie Times 'Tellyhoppers' report will appear here in due course---rather like the agonisin' takeower, where the 'fit and propaa persons test' has just entered its 4th month OR the ONE THIRD OF A YEAR MARK!  (Dependin on how your brain box works?)

Thursday, 9 July 2020

THE BLUE MOONIES 5 THE TOON(IES) 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '2:15pm bells' Thorsday 9th July 2020
Updated '7:30pm bells'
ROSIE'S BAR
UPSTAIRS

"JESUS CHRIST!"

If ever there woz a reason for wor takeower to happen, then this woz it!
A game NUFC were totally outplayed in and we were SO lucky to get away with a 5 goal hidin'---it could so easily have been a 9 or 10 goal defeat, we were that bad!

It took The Blue Moonies presicely 10 minutes to get the first goal when Jesus (NOT the one from Bethlehem!), side footed home, from a Silva pull back, with wor defence 'aall at sea'!
It woz soon 2-0 after 20 minutes through Marez and it should have been so many more, but somehow we managed to get to the break just 2 goals doon!
TO THE GALLOWGATE (BEYOND THE CHINESE ARCH)
VIEW FROM ROSIE'S UPSTAIRS WINDOW!

And as for WOR attacking formation?  I didnt even realise that Joelinton woz playin until they did a 'close up' on him in the 25th minute! (Honest!)

The 2nd period for 'The bottle green brigade' woz just az bad (we played in wor horrible bottle green change kit!) and we well and truly 'bottled it' for certain!
NUFC did actually score!---an own goal from Fernandez, that iz, to put us 3 behind! (Fernandez woz aalso responsible for wor anly effort on target, a weak heeder in the forst half!)

The 4th followed soon after, through a Silva free kick on the edge of the box--- and the final nail in wor coffin came in the 1st minute of stoppage time from Sterling, to 'put us in wor place'! (13th in the leegue table, actually!)
A FEW PINTS OF 'THIS' TO DROWN MEE SORROWS!


And as for 'Broken Nose Bruce', who it's said iz in contention for the 'Manager of the year award'--dont be daft and even 'fink' aboot it!

The Daily Mail summed it up porfectly: "They folded up like a deck chair on a windy beach!"

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Krafth (Muto 84), Fernandez, Rose Schar, Shelvey(Matty Longstaff 66), Bentaleb, Lazaro (Manquillo 66), Richie (Atsu 84), Joelinton (Gayle 66)

Official attendance: 10 upstairs in Rosie's and 20 doonstairs, plus 1 barman and the manageress (nee booncers, unlike Saturday) Total: 32!
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