Monday 30 November 2020

THE FA CUP 3rd ROOND DRAW HAZ PAIRED US WITH THE ARSE AWAY!---"WE GOT OOT OF JAIL!"

 Posted '7:19pm bells' Munday 30th November 2020

CATWEASEL WATCHES THE DRAW LIVE ON HIZ 'TELLING BONE'!
"OH NO!---NOT MARINE!---PLEEEZE!"

The FA Cup draw, haz not been kind to us az we were drawn against current FA Cup holders, The Arse at The Emirates Stadium, but at least we have avoided Marine or Canvey Island or Boreham Wood or Chorley! (Amazingly we have seen an NUFC team at both Boreham Wood and Chorley!)

When that 'man or a woman', we luv to hate, Robbie Savage drew Marine at home, I half expected him to draw NUFC az the away team!

Marine got Sporz instead---thank God!

It aalso meenz that mee own personal home record for competitive games iz intact!(for the time bein' at least!)

The last team to play at SJP who a'v never seen woz Bedford Town in the FA Cup way back in 1963! (We lost 2-1!!!)

 A'v seen every team we have played since then (although NOT every competitive game (obviously!)

"PRAIZE THE LORD!"πŸ™

PS: A'm now gannin to count up the teams I have seen at home from that date! ---Aa havvint got a clue how many that iz?  (It might take a bit of time--like!) 

FA CUP THORD ROOND DRAW TOONEET! *** NUFC FIXTURES FOR DECEMBER UPDATED

 Posted '2:09pm bells' Munday 30th November 2020

110 YEARS AGO NUFC WON THE FA CUP FOR THE FORST TIME! 


The FA Cup draw takes place at '7:00 bells' tooneet on BBC1---or shud I say it will take place after several minutes of taakin to former winners and the minnow teams who are left in! ---So thats aboot '7:10 to '7:15 bells' before whoever's doing it, starts to pick the baalls oot of the bowl!

NUFC are number 27 and there are a 'minefield' of teams to miss, who we wont mention, az this might put a curse on it!

WE WILL OF COURSE TELL YOO JUST WHO WE ARE PLAYIN'---AND WHERE, AZ SOON AZ WE FIND OOT!

Wor fixtures for December have aall been conformed---and they are:

(Aall games are on the telly/laptop/mobile tellin bone!)

Friday 4th The Hazbeenz and Villains away '8:00 bells' Sky

Saturday 12th The Baggie Troosers of WestBrom home

 '3:00 bells' Sky

Wedinzday 16th Leeedz away '6:00 bells' Prime

Saturday 19th Fulim home '8:00 bells' Sky

Tuesday 22nd Brentfaad away (LC QF) '5:30 bells' Sky

Saturday 26th The Blue Moonies away '8:00 bells' BT

Wedinzday 30th The Liverbirds home '8:00 bells' Prime 


*In othaa news: It haz been reported that several NUFC players and staff have caught the dreaded 'bat out of hell' virus---we will keep yoo, wor loyal subjects, informed of any future developments!

PS>There iz nee mention on NUFCs official site aboot the outbreak?


Az per usual, "Watch this space, for news of this and the FA Cup draw!"


Friday 27 November 2020

CRISTIL PALLISS 0 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2020-2021

 Posted from '6:00pm bells' onwards Friday 27th November 2020

VIEW FROM THE AWAY END AT SELHURST PARK WHEN 
WE COULD ACTUALLY GAN TO GAMES!

'7:05 bells' Toon team

We hear that Hayden haz got covid!

Periodic updates from kick off time onwards!
LITTLE TED AND BIG TED WATCH ON AZ THE GAME KICKS OFF!

JOELINTON SKIES A SHOT ORLY ON!😱
(Toon in aall yellow)

19th minute
Joelinton has a weak shot on target!

IT'S HALFWAY THROUGH THE 1ST HALF    
TIME FOR SOME LIQUID REFRESHMENT!

40th minute
Lewis weak shot on target!

42nd minute
Joelinton shot on target from misstayk by a Palliss defender!
Should have scored!

HT 0-0
TOON HAD 3 SHOTS ON TARGET!
Possession 57% to 43% Palliss
1st half summery:"ZZZzzz!!!"


Little ted takes up a great vantage point for the start of the 2nd half!

The hour mark
Nee forthaa shot on target from NUFC

66th minute
Wilson heeder went wide
Hiz first effort on goal!

70th minute
Joelinton heeder well Wide
Broken Nose Bruce iz furious!

78minute
Ritchie shot from free kick
1st shot on target in 2nd half!



GOAL!
86th minute
Callum Wilson from through baall 
from  Joelinton 
1-0 to NUFC!

WILSON GOAL!


GOAL!
89th minute
Joelinton shot which took a deflection of a Palliss defender!
2-0 to NUFC!
JOELINTON GOAL! (Number 9)


92nd minute
Shelvey shot on goal from free kick

93rd minute
Ref blows for full time!

A very unexpected win!
I will gladly eat humble pie tomorrow!

STATS
Up to 10th---Above Man City, Moan U and The Arse! (for now!)
Possession 43%
Shots on target 7 (the most this season!)

Geordie Times comment:
Don't lets get carried away!  Palliss were p*ss poor!
And we didnt spring to life til the last 5 minutes with the 2 goals!

The win iz a very welcome suprize and takes us 10 points clear of the drop zone! 
Indeed, we are anly 4 points off a Champions Leegue place! 
(for a few hours at least!)

Official laptophoppers attendance: 3!
Little ted, big ted and me!


The UP-DOON rollercoaster ride continues unabated!
 






WHO SAYS BRUCE IZ COPYIN' TRUMP WITH FAKE NEWS?

 Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 27th November 2020


"I CAN'T CHANGE US OVERNIGHT!"

*Wor manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' has been in the headlines for aall the wrang reasons, telling reporters that he can't understand fans unrest, despite bein' confronted by damnin news that we are the most boring team in the top flight, with the least shots on goal in the Premyaa Leegue  (less than 2.5 shots per game on average!)

Bruce's reaction to this woz: "Stats can do anything you wish!" And: "I never said Newcastle were entertaining!" (Yoo can say that again, Steve!)

The newspaper cutting from 'The Daylee Mirror' (below) sez Bruce iz in denial (like Trump!) when he states that "There will always be grumbles!" (From fans) and dismisses aall criticism of him (er! Just like Trump!)

But his best quote iz: "I can't change us overnight!"

By wor reckonin' Bruce has been in charge for 540 nights!

How many 'nights' does he want to change us???πŸŒ™


*Tooneet at '8:00 bells' we play Crisil Palliss at Selhurst Park and 'The Geordie Times' will be watchin' from afar on mee laptop, hopin that the picture doesnt freeze az haz happened previously, and hopin' that it DOES freeze if we put in anothaa unwatchable performance!

Top scorer Callum Wilson iz said to be fit again and raring to go, so let's hope he gets the service up front to give him a chance of scorin'?

Aalso, some more good news iz that  Jonjo Shelvey and Matt Richie are fit, so let's hope these dark nights don't produce a dark outcome!?πŸ™  

The bad news iz that wor best player Saint-Maximin haz picked up a knock and will miss oot!😨(Rumour haz it that Bruce woz gannin to drop him anyway!----Wot!---wor best player!?)

Wor percentages prediction therefore iz not so good and another 'park the bus' tactic by old 'Broken Nose' is more than likely!

"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!😴

We will be generous and say that we 'fink' that possession will be 75% to Palliss and 25% to NUFC and that we will have 3 shots on target from open play! (I'm an optimist!)

We reeely de need to pick worsels up after the 2 previous horror story shows v Sooothampton and Chelski!

Cristil Palliss arn't playin so well eethaa, so we've got a chance!πŸ™

Az previously mentioned we are are on a downward spiral and are doon to 15th in the table, which is wor lowest position of this dreadful season (so far!)

A full Geordie Times 'Laptophoppers' report will appear here sometime later--dependin on wor performance---like!


 


Thursday 26 November 2020

IT WILL AALL END IN TIERS!

 Posted '3:00pm bells ' Thorsday 26th November 2020

Empty stadiums and empty beer barrels for the foreseeable future!


So Boris and hiz pals have put us into Tier 3, while London and Liverpoool are in Tier 2, meaning that the Cockney clubs and Scousers can let 2,000 fans in but the rest of us can't?  Nee boozers open eethaa, for us!!! 

Not a level playin field I hear yoo cry, but the whole Tier system stinks!

In England at least we shud aall be in the same situation, but Boris 'finks' otherwise!

More on aall this later!

Az per usual watch this space!

Tuesday 24 November 2020

FANS ALLOWED BACK, BUT WHICH ONES?

 Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 24th November 2020

TELLY VIEW OF EMPTY SEATS AT SJP---BUT WHO WILL GET TO SIT IN THEM?


Boris haz annoonced that teams in Tier 1 of the new lockdoon system will be able to allow 4,000 fans into their stadiums!

Those in Tier 2, 2,000

And those in Tier 3, NEEBODY!

NUFC are likely to be in eethaa Tier 2 or 3

And so the question on everybodys lips (or at least mine, anyway!) iz just who do we let in for punishment!, if we are in Tier 2?

Private box holders will get top priority which meenz at least 1,000 tickets will gan to them

That leaves 1,000 tickets for 30,000 othaa season ticket holders!!!

It will be very interestin indeed to see wot actually happens if we are in Tier 2!

Aalso, iz it fair that some clubs in the north will have to play in front of empty stadiums, while those in the lower Tiers in the south can let fans in, givin them an unfair advantage!

It will nee doubt unravel in the next few days!

Watch this space for forthaa news when Boris decides which Tier we are in on Thorsday!

Monday 23 November 2020

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL CONTINUES! *** FROM 2nd PLACE IN SEPTEMBER TO 15th PLACE IN NOVEMBER!

 Updated 'high noon bells' Munday 23rd November 2020

 "WATCH OOT NEAR THE BOTTOM!"


After yet another International break we reflect on the 0-2 horror show at SJP v Chelski on Saturday!

After the weekends results we now find worsels in 15th position in the table!(from 13th)  Wor lowest position of the season (so far!)

It's a rollercoaster season for sure! Win, lose, win, lose, lucky draw, lucky draw, win, lose, lose!---?

The pundits have defended 'Broken Nose Bruce', sayin that do we (the fans) really 'fink' that we know better than him? and that we expect to be in The Champions Leegue!

Oh no!--We know that iz just a pipe dream under the present ownership, but the dire futbaall on show from NUFC iz truly shocking!

Two heeders on goal at Soothampton and nee shots in wor last away game--and even worse, NEE efforts on goal at aall in wor shock 3-0 home defeat to Brightin the other month, and just ONE shot on target in stoppage time v Chelski on Saturday!

If yoo were a neutral fan, yoo would simply turn off your telly when The Toon are on!

Old Broken Nose now has 5 days to try and sort oot this "Work in progress" mess, (Palace away on Friday neet) or else 15th place will soon become 16th and then 17th etc!

25% possession to 'us' and 75% possession to 'them' is wor prediction, az we sit back and hope for a break by hoofing the baall upfield in the blind hope that it will faall to one of wor strikers!       (2 shots/heeders on target iz wor prediction!)

Wor possession and strike rates for the season so far, make sorry readin and we are currently in 20th position with these stats added!

West Ham away 2 shots 2 goals   up to 2nd position in table       Won 2-0

Brightin home NEE shots nee goals  doon to 11th position         Lost 0-3

Sporz away 1 shot 1 goal (lucky penalty) up to 9th position

Drew 1-1

Bornley at home 5 shots 3 goals  up to 6th position                    Won 3-1

Moan U at home 4 shots 1 goal  doon to 11th position                Lost 1-4

Wolves away 2 shots 1 goal  doon to 14th position                    Drew 1-1

Evaatin home 4 shots 2 goals  up to 11th position                       Won 2-1

Sooothampton away 2 shots (heeders) nee goals  11th position   Lost 0-2

Chelski home 1 shot nee goals  doon to 15th position                 Lost 0-2

Total 10 goals and 21 shots (includin' the goals (3 penalties) in 9 games = 2.33 shots per game or 1.16 shots per half!!!


"Oh for a takeower by a very rich Saudi prince!!!!"


Sunday 22 November 2020

THE TOON 0 CHELSKI 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2020-2021

 Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 22nd November 2020


A COW ON THE TOWN MOOR ("ER! SORRY!") 'BULL'
 WITH ST. JAMES' PARK IN THE DISTANCE!
FOR AN EXPLANATION OF THIS PHOTO, SCROLL DOON TO THE END OF THIS ARTICLE!

"AA TOLD YOO SO, BUT AA WISH AA WOZ WRANG!"

Mee mate 'Tex' Taylor invited me to hiz hoose in Howden to watch the game, az aa didnt fancy watchin it on a dodgy channel on mee laptop in wor hoose! (Aa divvint have any of the pay per view channels) (Howden iz between Waallsend and Tynemooth on the Metro line) A visit to hiz local conveeeniance store to buy some broon ale woz the forst thing aa did when aa got to Howden and then it woz off to hiz hoose to settle doon and watch the game! 

And a totally predictable non performance from those in black n white striped shirts woz the outcome of yet anothaa "faall asleep game!"



We actually started off well in the first 5 minutes as we attacked the Leazes goal, but after this Chelski totally dominated the game for the next 85 minutes!

After missed chances and excellent saves from Karl Darlow at the othaa end, the predictable happened in the 9th minute when Fernandez inadvertently put the baall into his own net to give wor visitors from London a deserved lead!

A few minutes later the telly flashed that Chelski had had 92% possession at that point!!!

After several more near misses NUFC finally broke away through Joelinton and from near the halfway line he attempted a shot which went well wide and into the empty seats of the lower section of The Leazes End! (Wor 'highlight' of the forst half!) "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"😴





It just aboot summed us up and aa nearly hoyed an empty bottle of broon at Tex'z telly in frustration!

Somehow it woz still just 0-1 at the break and the graphics told us that the possession rate woz 20% to 'us' and 80% to Chelski with NEE direct shots on goal from NUFC!


The 2nd half wasnt much better and we still haddint had a shot or heeder on target when Chelski killed the game off in the 65th minute when Abraham fired home, with a shot that went in off the far post at The Leazes End!

Sean Longstaff hit the bar 7 mins later with a glancin shot that went ower  the bar, which woz the closest we came to scorin' aall game!

(Wor 'highlight' of the game!)

Broken Nose Bruce then took the anly player that woz likely to score OFF in the 74th minute (Saint-Maximin) to be replaced by Andy Carroll! (Who hazzint scored since he came back, well ower a year ago!)

And then the moment of the game in the 84th minute!

NUFC are 2-0 doon, we get a throw in near the 18 yard line of the Chelski half at The Gallowgate End---and after 4 passes it ends up in with goalie Karl Darlow at the Leazes End!  (Yi couldnt make it up!)

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOWER!


Near the end and into stoppage time, Carroll had a shot which woz deflected away by a Chelski defender---wor one and anly (alledged!) shot on target of the game!!! (A shot which woz deflected by a defender!)("WOW!")"ZZZZzzzz!!!!"😴

Aa honestly cannit remember the Chelski goalie havin to make one solitary save in the entire game? (Pleeeze correct me if a'm wrang?)

PS: Since been told that Almiron did have a deflected shot saved by Mendy in the visitors goal, at some point in the 2nd half? (Must have been to the 'tool-shed' for a 'gypsies kiss' when that happened!?)

The final whistle went and in the post match interviews Bruce said that: "There were pleasing points in the second half!" (Were there Steve?---Yoo mustiv been watchin a different game to us, like!) 





 Official attendance in Tex'z hoose: 2  (we are in the same 'bubble') (alledgedleee!)

Mee pre match prediction that NUFC would have 30% of the possession to Chelski's 70% woz nearly reet! (29% to 71%) and aa said that we would have 3 shots on target, when we had just one solitary deflected effort!


WE are SO predictable---for aall the wrang reasons!


A BRILLIANT PIECE BY CRAIG HOPE OF THE MAIL ON SUNDAY!



Saturday 21 November 2020

THE TOON v CHELSKI *** DINNAATIME TODAY!

 Posted '11:00am bells' Saturday 21st November 2020

Updated throughout match

What will it be today?  ONE for sorrow OR TWO for joy?


I divvint want to be the eternal pessimist, BUT how many shots do yoo 'fink' NUFC will have on target from open play today???

ONE? TWO?? THREE??? FOWER????  Well if the past displays this season are anythin to gan by, then THREE shots on target at the most (not includin heeders) iz my prediction for this afternooon! (KO '12:30 bells' on BT)

On average we are havin two and a half efforts on target per game---and this includes heeders, direct free kicks, penalties and goals scored!

It reeely iz dire stuff to watch, and if we get anything from Chelski at SJP, then it will be a bonus for sure!  A bit of good news iz that top goalscorer Callum Wilson haz declared himself fit and haz trained yesterday! Ryan Frazer, however iz still crocked and wont take part!

More good news iz that Chelski will be withoot several key players, but just how will Bruce will take advantage of that? 

Defend, defend, defend and hope for a breakaway attack by hoofin the baall upfield? (az per usual)---and mee prediction for possession iz 30% to 'us' and 70% for wor visitors! (We shall soon find oot!)

Former players like Chris Sutton and Mark Lawrenson say we should be grateful that we have got 'Broken Nose Bruce' az manager and lorn to live with it!  ---And Villa player Gabby Agbonlahor haz caalled Toon fans 'deluded!' (But they divvint have to watch us every game---do they?)

WE expect The Champions Leegue says Lawrenson, when in fact we just want a team where we divvint faall asleep before the end of games and end up back in the-----Championship! πŸ˜¨

Aa reeely DO want the team to do well, of course aa do---and aa sincerly hope that a'v got 'egg on mee face', come '2:30 bells' this afternooon!

But will I? (hopefully so!)


A full Geordie Times 'mad-sad tellyhoppers' match report will appear here sometime on Sunday---Az per usual---watch this space!

"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"😴


Stop press! Wilson oot!---Joelinton in!πŸ₯Ά

HT 0-1  nee shots on target

Possession 20% to 80%

FT 0-2    1 shot on target (Carroll stoppage time)

Possession 29% to 71%

The Geordie Times predicted 30% to 70%

So sorry we were SO wrang!

We said we would have 3 shots on target when we had just 1 !

Full match report tomorrow! "ZZZzzzz!!!"😴

Friday 20 November 2020

"NO ONE LIKES THEM!" (APART FROM THE SO CAALLED 'BIG SIX') "THEY DON'T CARE!"

 Posted '8:00pm bells' Friday 20th November 2020

^        From left to right      ^
A 'big six' shoe-----Richard Masters!
"Lick, lick, grovel, grovel!"




A damning letter from the DCMS Committee to The Premyaa Leegue aboot the deathly silence and non co-operation to bail oot lower leegue clubs, reaches us!



The incompetence of cheef exec Richard (Disaster) Masters and hiz sidekick Gary Hoffman iz staggerin', with the usual "de nowt, say nowt" message, in the hope that everybody will gan away and forget aboot it!

(Like the NUFC takeower which HAZZINT been forgotten!)



No one likes them apart from Liverpool, The London big 3 and the 2 Manc clubs, who the Premyaa Leegue bends ower backward to keep happy! ("Lick, Lick, Grovel, Grovel!")

The rest of the 14 Prem clubs and the 72 lower Leegue clubs divvint come into the equation az far az Masters and Co. are concorned!

Just az lang az 'the (so caalled) big six' are kept happy! 

The sooner they are forced to leave their posts the better!



AND YOUR 'BIRDS' CAN SING!

 Posted '1:15pm bells' Friday 20th November 2020



NUFC have issued a statement in relation to the 'leakin' of a report that they intend to gan to arbitration with The Premyaa Leegue, ower the never endin' takeower saga!



This woz supposed to be confidential, but somebody from the Premyaa Leegue's side 'sang like a canary', in an attempt to put yet anothaa 'spanner in the works' to try and stop the takeower by the PIF group!

The Premyaa Leegue's legal team are caalled 'BIRD & BIRD'!

"Say no more!---wink, wink, nudge, nudge, TWEET, TWEET!" 



Tuesday 17 November 2020

DOON MEMORY LANE *** MIDDLESBROUGH 1996

 Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 17th November 2020

RIVERSIDE STADIUM 1996
(Before the corners were filled in)


It woz the year of 'The Entertainers' when NUFC went to Boro's new abode and won 2-1 to gan 12 points clear at the top of The Premyaa Leegue!

It seems such a lang time ago now, especially when yoo look just how far doon the peckin order we have dropped since then!

From title contenders to relegation contenders now! (2 relegations since those heady days!)

An  archive match report from that game at The Riverside Stadium ower 24 years ago iz printed below! (Ground 133) 

PS: This archive match report will be mee 151st new ground report in total, oot of the 346 I have  visited watchin NUFC teams---leavin 195 reports still to de! (It's a marathon for certain!)

133 riverside stadium, middlesbrough

Ground number 133
Date of First Visit: 10th February 1996
Riverside Stadium, Middlesbrough

Middlesbrough 1
Newcastle United 2 (Steve Watson, Les Ferdinand) 

FA Premier League
Attendance: 30,011 (3,000 Toon fans)


"GET YOUR 'KICKS' ON ROUTE 66!"

This win meant that NUFC went 12 points clear of Man U at the top of the Premyaa Leegue for a brief period!

Az we travelled doon the A19 towards Teesside, on 'Barrett's bus', yoo could see from a distance the huge steel and chemical works that darkened the skyline with pollution, smog and dust! (a more depressin place in the UK would be hard to find!)
VIEW OF TEESSIDE FROM THE A19
(Now yoo know why they are caalled 'The Smoggies'!)


However! Wor forst ever visit to 'The Smoggies' new tin shack abode, woz not a happy one for some Toon fans, who were ambushed and attacked by 'The Smog Monsters' near the A66 duel carriageway near to the stadium before the kick off!

Some Toon fans, includin' Davy 'The Silver Fox' were kicked in the back, az the fighting spilled onto the carriageway, stopping the traffic in the process--which brought a new meaning to the legendary song, 'Get your 'kicks' on route 66'! (sic!)

This woz the forst of the 'new build' stadiums and it looked like a chatty Lego construction from the ootside---built on the cheap for certain!

It woz near some chemical works and the smell woz akin to rotting eggs az we waalked past, az plumes of thick smoke rose into the sky above!

Inside, we were behind the goal and one Toon fan had a full chemical suit on and he woz reet next to the segregation area, with the Boro fans on the othaa side!   They were non too pleezed to see him and were gannin metal az he stood with his arms folded, lookin their way!
It woz hilarious!  (After this game the 'dibble' banned away fans from wearin face masks!)

The game 'kicked off' with The Toon on the attack from 'the off' az we attacked the end we were in! (NUFC had obviously lost the toss!)

But it woz 'the Smoggies' who had the better chances az they went close several times, with Brazilian Juninho their star man!

In the forst half Keith Gillespie had a great chance in front of the 3,000 Toon fans behind the goal, but hiz effort went wide!

But then disaster struck in the 37th minute, when, at the other end a Juninho cross woz inadvertently put into hiz own net by John Beresford az the 'Smog Monsters' went wild with delight behind that goal!

The turnin' point in the game came in the 2nd half when new signing Tino Asprilla replaced Gillespie and hiz pinpoint cross from the wing foond Steve Watson's heed and he plants the baall into the net for the equaliser in the 74th minute!
The drama wasnt ower however, and just 4 minutes later, a Peter Beardsley pass foond Les Ferdinand who made nee misstayk az he fired a shot underneath the body of Boro goalie Gary Walsh to win the game in the 78th minute!----This sent the Toon fans crazy at the other end!

Az the final whistle blew, there were scenes of jubilation az NUFC went 12 points clear at the top of the Premyaa Leegue table!
The convoy of coaches filled with very happy Toon fans left on the retorn jorney to Tyneside via the A66 (where else?)
"Get your kicks on route 66!" (You'd better beleeeve it!)






  

Monday 16 November 2020

HERE COMES THE SUN!? (HOPEFULLY!)

 P🌞sted '1:42pm bells' Munday 16th N😎vember 2🌞2😎


News that Brentfaad have foond the porfect place to put away fans, (when we are allowed to gan back!) reaches The Geordie Times!

Lookin directly into the sun from their allocated section!

Of course, when we play Brentfaad on 22nd December in the qwaataa finals of the Leegue Cup it will be behind closed doors!- another new groond we cannot gan tee after wor enforced 'no show' at Newport in the last roond!

So we are hopin that they win promotion this season so that 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' can get a sun tan next season! (providing of course that WE divvint gan doon!)

Brentfaad are currently just ootside the play off positions in The Championship!

"Come on yoo Bees!"



Saturday 14 November 2020

DOON MEMORY LANE *** WOTFAAD 1984

 Posted '10:01pm bells' Saturday 15th November 2020

THE HOUSE OF HORRORS HOTEL, LOUGHBOROUGH!

Anothaa Saturday withoot a futbaall 'fix', so a'v delved into the archives again after watchin BBC news where Alfred Hitchcock's horror film 'Phsyco' woz featured!---This brought memories floodin back of a trip to Wotfaad's Vicarage Road groond 36 years ago in 1984, when we stopped off in Loughborough on the way back from the game! 

(Ground 073)  

See archive match report from that game, below

073 vicarage road watford


(GROUND NUMBER 73)

Date of First Visit: 27th October 1984

VICARAGE ROAD, WATFORD

WATFORD 3

NEWCASTLE UNITED 3  (Neil McDonald, Peter Beardsley, Kenny Wharton)

(OLD) DIVISION ONE

ATTENDANCE: 18,753 (3,000 Toon fans)


“PSYCHO   THREE!  THREE!”

      “SORRY ABOUT THE CHIP IN THE CUP!”


“THE TALE OF THE CHIPPED CUP!” (WITH NE HANDLE!)

Aa went on ‘Finks Travels’ for this one (ie: MY ‘jamjar’!) and in addition ‘Magpie Travel’ had aboot 20 bus loads of fans who’d aalso made the jorney doon, which meant ‘The Toon’ had a canny followin’ on this grey October day!

Ronny ‘The Hunter’ who waz one of wor travellin’ companions had insisted that we left orly to catch openin’ time in Watford and we duly set of at ‘six am bells’ to comply with hiz wishes!

However!---we got there very late coz of major traffic congestion on the ‘M1’, and wih parked behind some allotments doon a narrow lane a few hundred yards from the groond with less than half an hour to spare ‘til kick off and to top it aall we were ne where near any boozers eetha! (much to ‘The Hunters’ annoyance!)

Yih had ti walk through the ‘said’ allotments tih reach the tornstiles and with the ‘three bells’ start time approachin’ we had to make A MAJOR DECISION!---ie: Eetha miss wor pre match ‘gargels’---or!---miss the start of the match!

It waz ‘ne contest!’---‘the match’ waz more important than’the hootch!’ and so we hurried towards a ‘cut’ which winded through the allotments and tih the tornestiles beyond!

It waz more like ‘Follow the grey shingle track’ than ‘Elton Johns’ ‘ Follow the Yellow Brick Road!’ and some keen gardeners were merrily diggin’ their ‘precious plots’ and hoein’ the weeds az the Geordie hoards made their way to the groond! (diggin’the weeds waz obviously more excitin’ than watchin’ Watford!)

There were lang queues at the tornstiles, and so it waz just az well that we’d went straight there, rather than gan for ‘that’ ‘gargel’ doon the road! (yiv got to get yi priorities reet!—ah meen!---yih can get a few Arthur Scargills at anytime!---carnt yi?---but yi can hardly ask Peter Beardsley tih ‘re-score’ hiz spectacular owerheed sizzers kick again coz yi missed it!---can yi?)

This waz a typical lower league ground of that time, with a mixture of open terraces and wooden stands.

Wor end waz covered terracin’ which waz very shallow, and tih get a good view yi had tih crane yi neck and stand on yi tip-toes tih see anything at aall! (good job a’m six foot taall!) (NOT so good if yi a Dennis Wise size guy!)

A’d managed to get a good vantage point az the game kicked off, but there were hundreds of Toon plonkies who had ‘risked’ a ‘quick liquid’, who were still ootside, desperate to gain admittance az anly two tornstiles were open! (which waz typical of a ground like this in them days!) and yi could hear them shootin’ and baallin’ to get in! (drunken bu**ers!---shud have got hear orlier like us!)

Watford would normally expect a few hundred away fans and not the thoosands that The Toon had brung that day!  The players ran oot to rapturous applause with ‘ROCKET MAN’! (wot else?) blarin’ oot ower the (very!) loud speakers! (*a message to aall yeez ‘young pups’ readin’ this!---Elton John waz Watford’s chairman in them days!)

LET THE ACTION COMMENCE!

We made a great start orly on and took the lead after fine work from Chris Waddle on the wing, who foond Pat Heard and he threaded a through baall to Neil McDonald who fired home at ‘The Vicarage Road End’ at the far end of the groond from us.

John Anderson then made two excellent clearences off wor goal line and thanx mainly to him we went in 1-0 up at half time.

It wasn’t lang before we doubled wor lead in the second period when Heard and McDonald combined to send a through baall to ‘Pedro Beardsley’ and he slooted the baall past the advancin’ Watford keeper to put us two goals clear in front of the ecstatic 3,000 Toon faithful in ‘The Allotment End’.

However!---this waz NUFC and before lang the home side had pulled one back followin’ tremendous pressure on the Toon goal.

The Inevitable equaliser came a few minutes later and a point looked on the cards.

Nevertheless!---Kenny Wharton had otha ideas and put us 3-2 aheed near the end to the fotha delight of the travellin’ fans.

Wor hearts then sank in injury time az ‘The Blaydon Races’ rang oot aroond Vicarage Road when Watford cruely denied us wor win with a last gasp equaliser! (it just wasn’t to be!)



“THE HOUSE OF HORRORS!”

After the game we heeded back alang the track and after stickin’ a pin in mee ‘AA’ road atlas, wi decided to heed for Loughborough in Leicestershire az it wasn’t too much ‘drinkin time distance’ away! (er!---actually! The ‘pin’ had ended up stuck in some unprenoooceable place in north Wales with with aboot twenty seven letters beginnin’ with ‘LLL’! (too far away for a ‘gargel’, and in the wrang direction!---so Loughborough it waz!)


We duly arrived in Loughborough,  namely Bob ‘’Patter’, ’Tex’ Taylor, Ronny ‘The Hunter’, ‘Fawlty Dowaz’, ‘Smudger’ and of course little ol’ me! (Er!—that’s six of us in a five seater car?---mee memory must be playin’ tricks???)

On arrival, we dumped the car in a side street and heeded for the nearest waaterin’ hole for some ‘sustenance’ and to ask for the nearest (and cheapest!) hotel.

We asked the pub manager where we could get digs for the neet and he pointed us in the direction of the toon centre

A scruffy deranged lookin’ ‘Rigsby type character’ waz eavesdroppin’  on wor conversation az he supped hiz pint of ‘lubrication’ at the bar!  He waz az ‘skinny az a rake and he had lang scraggly hair and huge teeth that a shire horse would have been proud of!

He piped up---“I’ve got a large lodgin’ house not far from here and I could put you up for TWO QUID includin’ a bacon and egg breakfast in the mornin’ az my lodgers are away at the moment!”

TWO F*****’ QUID! FOR BED AND BREKKIES!?---It was an offer we COULDN’T refuse and so we arranged to meet him at ‘chuckin’ oot time’ ootside the boozer!

Battered and bruised with the drink (we bumped into a couple of lamp post on the way!) we staggered back to the forst boozer after several pints in the toon centre hostelries and dives. ‘Rigsby’ (az he waz now ‘affectionately’  known!) duly torned up (‘cattle trucked’ az well!) at the appointed time and we heeded up a hill with ne street lights where a huge three story hoose stood on it’s own.
"SOMEWHERE IN LOUGHBOROUGH!"

Uncannily---it looked remarkably like Bates Motel in the Alfred Hitchcock house of horrors film ‘Psycho’ and the anly thing that waz missin’ were a few bats and ‘Norman Bates’ himself! (the psychopath hotel owner in the film!) Although there waz a full moon to complete the scene! (Honest!)

But!---and  come to think of it!?, wor 'deranged friend' with hiz huge teeth and scraggly hair DID look a bit like Norman Bates’s mother from the same film! (help!)

(‘Q’ High pitched violin music!) “EEE! EEE! EEE! EEE! EEE! EEE! EEE!”

Anyway!---He took us up to the rooms where threadbare carpets adorned the creakin’ floorboards and me and ‘Smudger’ were allocated one of the lodgers rooms on the second floor, which wouldn’t have been oot of place in Steptoes livin’ room. (hardly ‘The Ritz’!---ne wonder it waz anly two quid a neet!)

Az soon az we got in we  bolted the door securely,(just in case!) and ‘Smudger’ (who I didn’t naa very well) then started searchin’ the draws and cupboards,  where he foond a half eaten ham sarnie covered in green mould and an apple ‘gook’ which had been bitten to the core!

From there he went into ‘the toolshed’ and took the back off the toilet cistern to have a look inside???

He then came back and started takin’ the pictures off the waalls and undoin’ the frames to look inside the back covers???

“WOT! THE F**K ARE YI DEEIN’ LIKE!?”, aa said to him, thinkin’ that ‘the demon drink’ had taken it’s toll and he didn’t naa wot he was deein’!

“This iz where they hide the money, Fink!”, he said excidedlee az he prized a picture frame off with a kitchen knife he’d foond in one of the draws, but hiz sorch for any hidden ‘treasure’ waz in vain (apart from the sarny and apple gook!) and he re-hung the pictures back onto the waall

(it wasn’t until later on, when aa telt the rest of the lads wot he’d done, that aa waz telt that he waz a F*****’ HOOSE BURGLAR!) (“help!”---“where’zz  mee wallet gone!”)



Next mornin’ aa had a quick wash n’ brush up in the manky bathroom, az there waz ne way aa waz gannih take a shower az half the floor tiles were missin’ or broken.  On top of that, there were loose electric cables hangin’ from the wall sockets next to the shower cubicle and aa didn’t fancy bein’ electrocuted! (OR stabbed to death, like in the film!)  It waz then doon the stairs to the manky basement dinin’ room where brekkies waz bein’ sorved from ‘hells kitchen’.
"AA WASN'T TAKIN' ANY CHANCES!"



‘Rigsby’, who looked eerily like ‘death waamed up’ from hiz hangower ,  offered me a cup tea, but when he came back with the cup,  he uttered these ‘immortal words’ that will live with me forever!: “SORRY ABOUT THE CHIP IN THE CUP!”, he said, az he handed it to me------the anly problem waz!!!----it had NE F*****’ HANDLE! (which had been broken clean off!)
AN ARTIST'S IMPESSION OF THE 'SAID' CUP!



After a quick ‘slurp’ of stewed tea from ‘the cup with ne handle’, aa peered into ‘hells kitchen’ and could see that the stove waz thick of grease az he used the fryin’ pan spatchaler to flick the black fat onto the fried eggs, most of which missed the eggs and splattered onto the filthy waalls! (the word ‘food poisonin’ came to mind!) (ie: Egon Ronay cuisine it wasn’t!)

But we WERE ‘Hank Marvin’ by this time (starvin’!) and we forced the bacon, eggs and grease laden brekkies doon wor ‘john o groats’! (nearly ‘hoyin up’ in the process!)  before sayin’ wor ‘goodbyes’, thankful that we hadn’t been electrocuted, poisoned or stabbed to death in ‘the house of horrors’! 

It waz then a three hour jorney back up the M1 and A1 back to Tyneside and yet another story to tell for the archives!----and di yi naa wot!?---a’v NEVA been back to Loughborough since that day!

Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)



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