PROFIT BEFORE PERFORMANCE!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 31st March 2015

NUFC have annoonced that we made a record EIGHTEEN MILLION, SEVEN HUNDRED THOOSAND POONDS profit in the last financial year!

It's just a pity that they keep it in their OWN pockets and not spend it on strengthenin' the squad!
Ne mention at aall that we languish in TWELTH place in the Premyaa Leegue and are slidin' doon' the table rapidly towards the 'abyss'!
It's just az well that there are anly 8 games to gan or we reeely would be in the s*it!---Wouldn't we!?  

NOT ANOTHAA BLANKETY BLANK!

Posted '10:12am bells' Sunday 29th March 2015


"SURPRISE! SURPRISE! ---I'M BACK AGAIN!"

With yet anothaa blank weekend to fill in---(this time due to the Internationals!) we were forced to find wor 'futbaall fix' elsewhere and had planned to gan and watch North Shields in the FA Vase semi final 2nd leg v Highworth Toon (Shields won the 1st leg away 1-0).
However!---the game waz a complete 1,500 selloot and so we heeded for one of wor fave haunts instead, namely 'The Dunston 'Bad Blue Boys' who were playin' *'Billy Syners' in a 'Tyne/Tees' Northern Leegue encoontaa! (*Billingham Synthonia)

'Geordie Times' intrepid reporter 'Tex' Taylor, however, managed to get hiz hands on a prized 'Shields' ticket and by the wonders of modern technologeee, he sent us a 'detailed' match report, via text messages from hiz mobile 'tellin' bone'!

WEMBLEY BOUND!

The 'detailed'? text messages went az follows:
'4:37 pm bells': "Shields 1-0!"
'4:49 pm bells': "2-0!"

This of course meeenz that North Shields are on their way to WEMBLEY!---where they will play Dunston's conqueror's Glossop North End in the final!---and 'The Geordie Times' sends them wor congratulations on bein' yet anothaa Tyneside based Northern Leegue side to reach the final!

'The Bad Blue Boys', by the way, won 3-2 @ Federation Park in front of 150 hardy souls in a game that waz played in a howlin' gale!  

'THE BAD BLUE BOYS' ATTACK THE 'BILLYS' GOAL

"KING KONG HERE WE COME!"?

Posted '1:35pm bells' Thorsday 26th March 2015

"SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK!"

"USA AALL THE WAY!"

Great news for wor USA fan club!----News reaches 'The Geordie Times' via 'The Ronny-Gill's' back page (The Newcastle Chronicle) that The Toon are plannin' a pre season trip to the USA once again!
Ne dates or venues have been annoonced yet, but a game in New York would gan doon very well with 'The Toon Army' and 'The New York Branch',  az this iz a place we've aalways wanted to gan to!

The last trip there in 2013 didn't gan doon well with the fans or players az there were huge distances to travel between venues!---but disappointingly, ne games in 'The Big Apple'!

Of course this iz just speculation at the moment, but the promise of huge publicity (and loads of money!) for NUFC will make this trip a real possibility and we will keep yoo (and wor loyal American fan base) informed of any developments!

"Watch this space!"

NOT THE TICKET!

Posted '1:13pm bells' Tuesday 24th March 2015


TOON FANS PACK THE ANFIELD ROAD END IN 1984


News that NUFC have sold just 850 tickets for wor visit to Anfield next month should come az ne surprise!

A extortionate £52 to get in, restricted view tickets @ £47 <(for the 'view' of the back of somebodys heed!), a Munday neet fixture which iz live on the telly and of course disillusionment and the 'fear factor' of gettin' a reet hammerin' off 'The Liverbirds' are the main reasons for this boycott!
We had an estimated 15,000 to 17,000 @ Anfield for a Friday neet live FA Cup telly fixture some 30 odd years ago and now just 850 diehards are plannin' on makin' the trip to Morseyside for this one!

How times and expectations change!

PS: The Toon fans that day, sang: "We've got more fans than you, Liverpool!--Liverpool!"
The Kop replied: "We've got more goals than you, Newcastle!---Newcastle!" <(they beat us 4-0!)

THE TOON 1 THE ARSE 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:00am bells' Sunday 22nd March 2015

'THE TOON' ATTACK THE LEAZES END DURIN' THE 1st HALF

"A GAME OF 2 HALF'S!" <( Bet yiv hord this one before!)

Before the match the talk in the bars waz just how many 'The Arse' would get against wor injury/suspension ravaged squad! 
And so it waz to prove in the 1st period when they raced into a 2 goal lead with othaa chances 'gone abeggin'!  We had some chances too, but couldn't put wors away and we went in 2 behind at the break!

We came oot with 'aall guns blazin' against 'The Gunners' at the start of the 2nd half and aalmost straight away we pulled a goal back when a Ryan Taylor run doon the right foond Cabella and hiz neat cross foond 'The Sissoko Kid' in the Gallowgate End penalty area and unmarked he gleefully excepted hiz chance to welly the baall past Ospina in the visitors goal!

This brought the crowd to life and we had great chances to equalise through Perez, Gouffran and Sissoko, but we couldn't find a way past their goalie again az 'The Arse' hung on for dear life!

'TOON' ACTION @ THE GALLOWGATE END

At the end of the day (apart from gettin' dark!) we went away pointless and anly results from teams below us in the table kept us 10 points above 'the abyss' (although Pardew's Palace DID win to gan above us and push us doon to 12th place!)

'Whey Aye (where's mee pie?)' Carver's CV now reads:
Played 12, won 2, drawn 3, lost 7, goals for 11, goals against 21.  That's just ONE home win in THREE months (and of course just ONE away win in the same period!)

Toon team: Krul, Ryan Taylor, Janmaat, Williamson, Colback, Anita (Gutierrez 72), Sissoko, Gouffran, Cabella, Sammy Ameobi (Armstrong 89, Perez

Attendance: 50,544 (3,000 or so 'Arseholes' in level 7 of The Leazes!)  It would have been a 'full hoose' but NUFC in their wisdom would anly sell tickets to members with NO public sales at aall!

PS: It costs a ridiculous £35 to become a 'member' (ie: you can't just turn up and buy a ticket anymore for certain games like 'The Arse' and Man U!)

PPS: On a totally different theme: On Thorsday the chancellor 'slashed'? 1p of a pint of beer in hiz budget speech---Yesterday aa went into 'The Bodega' on Westgate Road and ordered a pint of 'Caffreys' which waz £3 the last home game!---aa waz charged £3:20 this time and pointed this oot to the barmaid!---(who shrugged hor shoulders!) ---so much for 'slashin' the price of beer!---"EH!"

Geordie Times quiz answer from Friday: "Look through any window--yeah!"

We asked yoo which boozer waz featured in the picture lookin' towards The Gallowgate End on Strawberry Place

And the answer IZ!

SOHO!

THE TOON v THE ARSE *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Updated 'high noon bells' Friday 20th March 2015

"LOOK THROUGH ANY WINDOW---YEAH!"---'THE GALLOWGATE END'----
BUT FROM WHICH TOON BOOZER WAZ THIS PICTURE TAKEN?
(ANSWER ON SUNDAY!)

Forst of aall--apologeeez for not updatin' 'The Geordie Times' on a more regular basis like aa used to--but lang workin' hours are the blame for this and some days aa just havvent got the time!

We gan into Saturdays game against the high flyin' 'Arseholes' of Islington', needin' at least a point to drag us forthaa from 'the abyss'!
Bornley's totally unexpected win against 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' last week sees us just 10 points above them followin' wor 'no show' @ Goodison Park last Sunday!

In othaa words--we are still not completleee safe and are relyin' on othaa clubs at the bottom to 'cock it up' this weekend az 'The Arse' are firm favorites to 'wipe the floor' with us!

Missin' of course are both Cisse and Coloccini through suspension and just who iz gannin to lead the line on Saturday and shore up wor defence now---iz anybodys guess???
'Injury plagued' az well, we face Arsene Winger's side with a depleted line-up and can anly 'hope for the best'!
Othaa players missin', include Steve Taylor, De Jong, Dummett, Haidara, Tiote, Abeid, Good and Aarons

Carver said yesterday: "I only have 13 fit outfield players plus 2 goalies available for Saturday!" <(a ready made excuse shud we lose!) 
   
'Pieman Carver's' record in charge now reads: Played 11, won just 2, drawn 3 and lost 6 times!  (At home we have won just once since the beginnin' of January!)  

It's not hiz fault entirely of course, az Pardew 'jumped ship' unexpectedly at the end of December and with ne signins in the January transfor window, wor predicament iz bein' 'brought home to roost', followin' the failure of 'The Fat Controller' to 'put hiz miserly hand in hiz pocket'!

'History lesson': 125 years ago: Woolwich Arsenal (az they were then known) forst came to St James' Park on 30th September 1893 and were slaughtered  6-0! by a rampant Toon side in an old 2nd Division game  
A double hat-trick from Bill Thompson and Joe Wallace secured the victory in front of a 2,000 crowd!

Aall time record: Played 175, won 66, drawn 38 and lost 71 times

Geordie Times history: 1967, old 1st Division: A 2-1 win 48 years ago, again on 30th September, when a Pop Robson penalty and a goal from Wyn Davies in front of 33,377 gave us the 2 points <(2 points for a win in them days!)
IF anly it waz the 30th of SEPTEMBER tomorrow! <(if anly!) *

A full Geordie Times match report will be forthcomin' sometime on Sunday!

THE TOFFEE NOSES 3 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:21am bells' Munday 16th March 2015

"A VIEW TO DIE FOR!"---
THE PLAQUE TELLS US THAT THE MAINLY WOODEN STAND
WAZ BUILT BY A LIVERPOOL COMPANY IN 1926!
(SO NEXT YEAR WILL BE IT'S 90th BORTHDAY!)

You would have thought that havin' 10 days 'off' to Everton's 2 (they played in the Europa Leegue last Thorsday) that we would be revigorated and fresh, while the home side would be the opposite!.
However this could not be forthaa from the truth az we put in yet anothaa shockin' performance in front of the Toon faithful az 'The Toffee Noses' put us to the sword!

The forst goal came at the same part of the groond az the Toon fans were housed in the ancient wooden contraption that passes for a futbaall stand with metal pillars at frequent intervals to block your view!

A Lukako through baall to McCarthy who mis-hit a low shot, which somehow beat Krul and ended up in the back of wor net?, put us one behind and it waz aall uphill from that point! (Az you can see by wor balcony seats (see above pic!) we didn't get a very good 'view' of it!)

THE TOON (IN GREY!) ATTACK THE GLADYS STREET END
DURIN' THE 1st HALF

A legitimate penalty claim by Williamson @ The Gladys Street End waz waved away by the ref and this waz a definin' moment of the game.

After this we were disjointed and 'aall ower the place' az the home side pressed for anothaa goal but thankfully we went in just 1-0 doon at the break!

However!---It didn't take Everton lang to double their lead in the 2nd half az a needless penalty waz given away by Gouffran in the 55th minute and Lukaku made ne missteak from the spot!

Coloccini then dived in two footed on an Everton player and waz sent off and this effectively sealed the 3 points!

We then plodded away aimlessly and aa can anly remember one worthwhile attack in this half when Sissoko fired a shot which waz brillianty parried away by Tim Howard in goal!

It waz aall Everton after this and the final nail in wor coffin came 'at the death' when Barkley rounded Krul to sidefoot home!

Mee mate 'Big Al' summed it up az we heeded back to Lime Street train station: "Divvint worry!--there's anly 9 games to gan to end wor sufferin'!"  ---"Roll on summer!"

Toon team: Krul, Williamson, Janmaat, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Sissoko, Colback, Obertan (Perez 46), Riviere (Gutierrez 62), Sammy Ameobi (Cabella 58), Gouffran

Attendance: 38,806 (3,000 very unhappy Toon fans!) *

The pre-match 'gargels' took place here!

YORK (waitin' for Liverpool train!)

  

THE TOFFEE NOSES v THE TOON **** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 14th March 2015

ROONEY'S BAR NEAR GOODISON PARK---
NAMED IN HONOUR OF WAYNE ROONEY!
"DIVVINT THINK WE'LL BE GANNIN HERE FOR THE PRE-MATCH GARGELS!"

Tomorrow we heed once again ower the 'Pennine Chain', this time to Liverpool by 'snail' train where we face a strugglin' Everton side who are even below 'us' in the Premyaa Leegue!

The reason we are playin' it tomorrow iz because of Everton's involvement in the Europa Leegue and not because it's a live telly game!---It ISNT ---(unless yi watch a 'dodgy channel'!)

But why the '4 bells' kick off time if it's not on live TV???

Az the bottom 7 clubs (inc Everton) are averagin' a point or less a game, then it's safe to assume that wor 35 point tally will be enough this time to avoid the dreaded drop!---especially az we are 13 points clear of 3rd bottom side QPR with just 10 games to gan!

'Whey Aye the Pie' Carver keeps tellin' us that a top 10 finish iz still possible and this seems to be the eternal target for the foreseeable future under 'The Fat Controllers' reign!

Top 10!---wow!--- Bobby Robson waz sacked by Freddie Shepherd for guidin' us to 5th place not so lang ago!---but such iz 'the ambition' of the club now, that survival iz the forst aim---and then the dizzy heights of 'the bottom' of 'the top half' of the Premyaa Leegue table!---if possible!? (4 points off that at the mo!)

The 10th or 11th (not sure?) best supported club in the WORLD are fightin' ower the 'scraps' from the Premyaa Leegue 'gravy train' and we are gannin ne where---fast! <(just like wor torturous train jorney tomorrow!)

History lesson: We forst played Everton in an old Division 1 game @ Goodison Park 117 years ago when we lost 3-0 in front of a huge (at the time!)16,000 crowd!

Geordie Times history: A 1-0 defeat 45 years ago on 30th October 1971 in front of 38,811 when A Ball scored the anly goal of the game <(Er! That's 'Alan Ball' incidentally!)
It waz Tony Green's debut for the Toon that day and we stood in the Main Stand paddock next to the players tunnel!  
(A 'Geordie Times' archive report on that game will appear here later on ---when aa can find it!) <(foond it !--but it needs updatin' so aa will publish it later on this week after re-editin'!)

Match report and pix on Sunday's game will appear here on Munday---sometime!

AWAY TICKET PRICES 'LEEGUE OF SHAME'!

Posted '2:18pm bells' Thorsday 12th March 2015

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!----50 QUID! ----(WBA £5 for a Senior!)

Followin' 'The Liverbirds' ridiculous £52 they are chargin' Toon fans for the 'privilege' to 'stand' in The Anfield Road End next month, 'The Geordie Times' haz done a 'shame' price leegue of  the Premyaa Leegue clubs we have visited this season (and those we are due to visit before the season closes in May!)

The price differences between the clubs iz staggerin'!
Some have been subsidised by 'the reciprocal pricin' fund'---most havvent!

1***Chelski***£55
2***The Liverbirds***£52 (still to play)
3***Man U***£46
4***Man C***£44 (£15 for |Leegue Cup!)
5***WHU***£43
=6***Villa***£41
=6***Sporz***£41
8***Bornley***£40
9***SMBs***£39 < (we charged them £47!) (still to play)
10***The Arse**£36.50
11***Hull***£35
=12***Swanzee***£25
=12***Sooothampton***£25
14***Palace***£22  (£15 for Leegue Cup)
=15***The P*ss Potters of Stoke***£20
=15***The Toffee Noses***£20 (still to play)
17***The Baggie Troosers***£15 (£5 for ower 60s!) <(Me!)

Lestaa and QPR---still to play---ne prices yet

PS: We are ne better!----NUFC prices for away fans vary enormously from just £15 for West Brom fans to a whoppin' £47 for the visit of the mackems!        

"FIFTY TWO QUID? --- YI HAVIN' A LAFF!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 11th March 2015

While the 'blue half' of Morseyside are chargin' NUFC fans just £20 to get in next week, the 'red half' on the othaa side of Stanley Knife Park just half a mile away are chargin' us a staggerin' £52 when we play there next month!
Restricted view tickets at the back and sides are a ridiculous £47 for a view of somebodys heed and NOT the pitch, if they stand up! <(and of course they WILL!)

That's a price difference of £32 between the two Morsey giants!
It's total rip-off madnesss!!!!

THE TOON U21s 1 THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE U21s 1 *** FA PREMYAA RESORVE LEEGUE

Posted '11:30am bells' Tuesday 10th March 2015

'Curious George'

Last neet the resorves drew 1-1 with Stoke in front of a sparse crowd @ a windswept and freezin' cold St James' Park!

The game waz'nt very good and didn't come to life til midway through the 2nd half when the visitors took the lead when Perry vollied home @ The Leazes End.

We replied through Tom Heardman in the 78th minute when he toe poked the baall into the net from inside the 6 yard box @ The Gallowgate End, after a pin-point cross from Adam Armstrong!

There waz ne more scorin' az we froze to death in The East Stand!

Attendance: 397

Match report by wor rovin' reporter, 'Curious George'! 

S.O.S. TICKETS NOW ON SALE!

Posted '10:15am bells' Munday 9th March 2015

THE 'SCENIC' ROUTE TO THE S.O.S. ---FOTO TAKEN ON LAST VISIT
(500 YARDS/METRES FROM THE GROOND!)
"ARE THOSE PEOPLE'S HOOSES!?"

Tickets have went on sale today for wor derby game @ The Stadium Of Sssshhh! (Yee Naa Wot!) and 100 loyalty points are needed to purchase a ticket (That's for fans who have been to at least 100 away games under the loyalty system!)

Tickets are priced @ £39 for big kids, £26 for zimmerframeites and £15 for sprogs under 16

The loyalty points will drop to 95 on Wednesday and 90 on Friday

*****************************************************

In othaa news: Wor U21/resorve side are in action tooneet at 'The Cathedral on the Hill' when we play The P*ss Potters of Stoke U21s.
The East Stand az per usual iz where yoo shud heed for if yoo are gannin'---FREE to season ticket holders & members---£3 and £1 everbody else!

Unfortunately aa won't be there (again!) because of work commitments, but aa will be sendin' 'Curious George' who iz mee 5 year old grandbairn Jamie's pet monkey, to report on the game! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

THE WHITLEY BAYWATCHERS 1 THE BAD BLUE BOYS OF DUNSTON 0 *** NORTHERN LEEGUE DIVISION 1

Posted '10:08am bells' Sunday 8th March 2015

WELCOME TO WHITLEY BAY! (THE SEA IZ IN THE DISTANCE!)
This pub owner obviously hord that 'The Bad Blue Boys'
were in toon and boarded up hiz windows!

With anothaa weekend to fill in with ne 'Toon' futbaall it waz decided to heed for the delights of Whitley Bay to watch their Northern Leegue encoontaa against The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston!

The weathaa forecast for Saturday 2 days before on the telly showed the north east in a bright yellow glow and temperatures into double figures az the weathergorl smiled and pointed hor finger towards Whitley Bay on the map!

And the reality???---Honestly it waz absolutleee perishin' az me 'Davy the Silver Fox' and 'Grumpy Stumpy' <(who iz aalways 'on the scrumpy'!) alighted from Whitley Bay metro station!

Stumpy's right knee waz 'cattle trucked' and with the aid of 2 crutches he made hiz way very slowly towards the forst boozer 'on the list' just doon the road, in a howlin' gale. <(so much for the weathaa forecast!)
However the appropriately named 'Station' liquid lubrication location waz BOARDED UP! and we had ne choice to 'move on' and hope the next one wasn't! <(Stumpy waz NOT amused!)

It WAZ open and we made wor way into 'Itsgeralds' for the 2nd 'lubrication' of the day (the forst one waz in 'The Botanist Bar' next to Greys Monument in Newcasel city centre where we'd met up!)

I say 'Itsgeralds' az the 'F' waz missin' off the sign and the 6 or so clientele inside were proppin' up the bar so it wouldn't collapse!

'ITSGERALDS!

A few 'liquids' later and it waz time to heed for the groond!--Az 'Grumpy Stumpy' could hardy waalk  we flagged doon a taxi to take us their a mile or so inland!

We made a 'b-line' for The Seahorse Clubhoose inside the ground where we bumped into several committee men from Dunston and a few Whitley fans who we knew!

Ootside the bitin' wind waz howlin' once more and it waz obvious that the game would be spoiled by this!---and it WAZ az the Whitley Bay goalie kicked the baall doon the middle of the field it veered off course in mid flight and ended up knockin' aall the sauces and condiments off a table next to the hot dog stand!---much to the amusement of the 300 crowd!

After 25 minutes 'Grumpy Stumpy' had had enough and made for the warmth of the clubhoose for some cold cider!

THE BAD BLUE BOYS ARE IN RED!

The score waz 0-0 at half time and after a couple more 'gargels' in the 'said' clubhoose, we reluctantly heeded back to wor freezin' cold standin' place on the terraces!
The 2nd half waz ne better than the forst and just when it looked like the game would end goal-less up popped a Whitley Bay striker called Mike Williamson! who waz through on goal and he beat the Dunston keeper to win the game with just a few minutes to gan! (NO! Toon defender Mike Williamson hazzent been sent on loan to Whitley!)

It waz then a taxi to Tynemooth to sample the delights of 'The Cumberland Arms' before catchin' the metro back to The Toon for the final 'lubrications' in 'The Strawberry' next to St James' Park!

AZ YI CAN SEE BY THE SWAYIN' PUB SIGN ---
IT WAZ DEED WINDY IN TYNEMOOTH AZ WELL!

Attendance: 307 (50 or so 'Bad Blue Boys'!) <(includin' at least 20 committee men!)    

"CHEER UP!---YI WON!"

BLANKETY BLANK YET AGAIN!!!!

Posted '11:30am bells' Saturday 7th March 2015

"YOU'LL NEVER (EVER!) GET RID OF ME!"

With wot seems like a fortnightleee occurrence theeze days, we find worselz with yet anothaa 'blankety blank' weekend to fill in thanx (once again!) to wor FA Cup exit on January 3rd!

However!---we are gannin to get wor 'fix' @ Hillheads in Whitley Bay this afternoon where 'The Whitley Baywatchers' are takin' on 'The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston' in a Northern Leegue encoontaa!

The Seahorse Clubhoose at the groond will be wor main 'target' before the game, where several 'liquid lubrications' will be consumed!

It shud be a canny game, so if yoo are in the area and are plannin' on gettin' a sun tan on Whitley Bay beach, just think of wot yoo are missin' up the road and make a 'b-line' for the tornstiles instead! <(the sun tan on your magnificent beer-gut can wait!) 

Not that yoo will be remoteleee interested, but a full 'Geordie Times' match/hootch report will appear here sometime on Sunday alang with excluuusive match action pix! <(bet yiz cannit wait!???)

CISSE BANNED FOR 7 GAMES! **** EVANS FOR 6!

Updated '11:20am bells' Saturday 7th March 2015

CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE THAT JONNY EVANS
DID HOCKLE IN PAPISS CISSE'S FACE!
IN A STATEMENT EVANS SAID:
 "I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE IT CLEAR, I DID NOT SPIT AT PAPISS CISSE!" 

Followin' on from the now infamous spittin' incident between Jonny Evans and Papiss Cisse on Wednesday neet @ St James', Cisse haz admitted and apologised for hiz reaction to Evans hocklin' in hiz face, (by doin' the same to him!) and haz been banned for the next SEVEN games!

This rules wor top goal scorer oot til the last 3 games of the season and he will miss games against The Toffee Noses, The Arse, The SMBs, The Liverbirds, Sporz, Swanzee and Lestaa!

Evans, on the othaa hand DENIED he did anythin' of the kind and waz defended by hiz manager Louis Van Crash <(apparently he's been in loads of road accidents!) claimin' that the incident DIDN'T happen and Jonny 'is a nice lad' and could never de such a thing???? <("Oh NO!?"---see top pic Louis!")

CISSE WIPES AWAY THE SPIT FROM HIZ FACE!

The 'excluuusive' footage obtained by 'The Geordie Times' clearly shows him hocklin' at Cisse az he stands above wor number 9!
How the hell can he deny THAT!? (He had until '6 bells' last neet to answer the charge! <("GUILTY MA' LORD!")

Updated Saturday: HE WAZ FOOND GUILTY OF COURSE AND BANNED FOR SIX GAMES!

THE TOON 0 THE MANC MUPPETEERS/COCKNEY REDS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:00am bells' Thorsday 5th March 2015

"LIFE CAN BE 'KRUL'!"

Wot can we say?---a game that waz peterin' oot into a goal-less draw waz won in the last minute of normal time when Mehdi Abeid sent a 100mph back pass to Tim Krul in The Toon goal and hiz disastrous 'panic attack' kick, foond the feet of Man U's Ashley Young, who had the simple task of slottin' the baall into the corner of the net from just 10 yards oot, to break wor hearts and send the 3,000 or so Manc/Cockney/Irish/Welsh (etc etc!) Muppets in the away section into raptures!

We shud have had a penalty in the 10th minute, when, az Riviere raced into the box @ The Leazes End, he waz upended by Chris Smalling, but the ref waved away any protests and yet anothaa bad 'call' waz made az we fumed in the stands! <(BT and Match of the Day later confirmed that INDEED a spot kick shud have been awarded to 'us'!)
There were several chances from both sides throughoot the match, but neethaa could make the breakthrough until Krul's 'gaff'!
(He'd had a blinder up until this point with 3 great saves to deny the visitors!)

The main taalkin' point of the 1st half however, waz when after a tangle of legs, Papiss Cisse clashed with Johnny Evans.
The Manc player unforgivably hockled in Cisse's face and wor number 9 repaid 'the complement' in kind! <(can yoo blame Cisse for that?---WOT would YEE DE if somebody spat in YOUR face???)

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL DURIN' THE 1st HALF

10 minutes after the re-start Krul made a fantastic double save @ The Leazes End to deny the visitors! 

Spiderman Gutierrez then came on to replace Ryan Taylor midway through the 2nd half and he received a rapturous reception from The Toon fans after hiz fight against cancer!---it wa great to see him back!

Anyway!---the game waz lost once Man U had scored so late on and anothaa unfortunate defeat iz now on John 'Whey Aye the Pie' Carver's CV

Hiz NUFC record in charge now reads: Played 10---won 2---drawn 3---lost 5    
Home record: Played 5---won 1---drawn 2----lost 2 

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor (Gutierrez 66), Obertan, Abeid, Sissoko, Sammy Ameobi (Gouffran 81), Cisse, Riviere (Perez 69)

Attendance: 49, 801 (nearly 2,000 lower than wor game against Villa on Saturday!) Double ticket prices, live telly and the fact that NE tickets went on general sale to prevent any Man U fans buyin' tickets for the home sections, were the main reasons it wasn't a 'sell-oot'!)  (3,000 (plus) Muppets in Leazes level 7 az usual!)  *

THE TOON v THE MANC MUPPETEERS/COCKNEY REDS *** TOMORROW NEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 3rd March 2015

'The Cockney Reds of Salford' come to Toon tomorrow evenin' in wot iz wor 2nd home game in 5 days! ('7:45 bells'---live on BT Sport)

We very much doubt if they will play az badly az 'The Hazbeenz & Villians' did on Saturday, but we can anly live in hope!

Louis Van Crash <(apparently he's had loads of road accidents!) brings hiz 4th placed side to SJP, lookin' for hiz forst ever win against us at wor place in hiz 3rd attempt!
(He waz manager of Barcelona in 1997 when we won 3-2 and then AZ Alkmaar in 2007 when we won 4-2!)

Wor home record against Man U however doesn't make good readin' with just ONE win in the last ELEVEN games and losin' EIGHT times!

WE sit cemented in 11th place, 5 points above Palace in 12th and 4 points behind Stoke in 10th and 'The Fat Controller's wish that we shud finish in mid-table mediocrity looks likely to come to fruition!

History lesson: We forst played 'Newton Heath' <(az Man U were then known) @ SJP 120 years ago, when we won 3-0 on 13th April 1895.
Bill Thompson, John McNee and Will Milne got wor goals in an old 2nd Division game played oot in front of 4,000 spectators!

Geordie Times history: A 2-2 draw in 1967 when The Leazes End sang "Bobby iz a Geordie!" to Man U centre forward Bobby Charlton! <(Can't imagine that happinin' tomorrow neet, IF he decides to torn up in the Directors Box,--- can yoo?) 

Jim Iley and Tommy Robson got wor goals that December day az a 48,639 crowd watched on!

Wor aall time record against them isn't good havin' lost twice az many games az we have won! 
(Games played: 160---Won 41, Drawn 37 and lost 82!)

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Thorsday! 

THE LIVERBIRDS U18s 1 THE TOON U18s 3 *** FA PREMYAA U18s LEEGUE @ KIRKBY ACADEMY

Posted '8:55am bells' Munday 2ndMarch 2015
(Match played  Saturday dinnaatime)

Match report by 'The Secret Pigeon'!

"The Secret Pigeon' landed @ Kirkby Academy with 35 minutes of the U18s game being played, havin' sneaked away early from work! 
It appears that the person who I asked what was the score can't have arrived much before me, as I was told the score was 0-0
A goal by an unknown player before my arrival however, meant that it was in fact 1-0 to The Toon!

Subsequently <(The Secret Pigeon naaz aall the big words!) someone else scored in the 40th minute to make it 2-0!

No team sheet and no glasses means 'The Secret Pigeon' won't be tellin' you the scorers, but if you want to know them subscribe to LFC TV as it's on there!

Half time 2-0 and the crowd of aboot 120 are tucking in to burger and chips, however 'The Secret Pigeon' is gannin hungry as I left my wallet in the car in the rush to get in! <(obviously there are ne thieves in Liverpool!)

Liverpool pull 1 back with a well worked goal in the 60th (ish) minute!---Flustered after an argument with a steward as I tried to get a picture! <(Hence ne match pix!)

3-1 to Toon, 2 minutes later!---can't type quick enough!

The Toon look relatively comfortable throughout the 2nd half, competin' well in the mid-field and defendin' well---bar the goal conceded! A similar scoreline in April would make me happy! <(When we play @ Anfield!)

Time to fly!" <(Wot!---in a CAR?)



Special thanx to 'The Secret Pigeon' for this in depth <(of despair!) match report!---An extra packet of Trill bird seed iz on it's way to him az we speak!



    

THE TOON 1 THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '9:29am bells' Sunday 1st March 2015

"WHO'S YOUR NEXT 'MESSIAH'?"---
"JASPER CARROTT!???"

'The Hazbeenz & Villians' came to St James' Park on the back of six defeats in a row and were hopin' that new heed coach Tim Sherwood would be able to dig them oot of the mire of 2nd bottom place in the Premyaa Leegue!

Of course there waz 'history' between the fans, when in 2009 Villa fans took great pleasure in witnessin' wor relegation to The Championship, when they unveiled banners in The Holte End of Villa Park, which read: "SOB ON THE TYNE!" and "WHO'S YOUR NEXT 'MESSIAH'?"---"ANT OR DEC!???"

There waz absolutleee ne need for this at the time az The Toon and Villa  fans (up til this point in history) had ne animosity between them!---this aall changed on that fateful day in 2009 and we have never forgotten that they 'took the p*ss' and laughed at wor demise and even had those banners made, to 'rub it in'"!


"WOT GANS AROOND!---COMES AROOND!" 

'GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!' *** CISSE'S GOAL!
(HE IZ PARTIALLY HIDDEN BY NUMBER 28 AMEOBI)

The game started off with many mistayks from both sides, but Villa had the better chances orly on and 'fluffed their lines' in front of goal on 3 occasions at least @ The Gallowgate End!

A rare sorte into The Leazes End in the 37th minute from 'us' saw an unmarked Papiss Cisse score from inside the box, from a pinpoint Janmaat cross from the right!---wor FORST shot on target az well! to send 49,000 of the 51,000 plus crowd, wild with delight! (Villa had 2,000 travellin' fans!)

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (2nd half)
(View from Milburn Stand balcony)

We played much better in the 2nd half and 2 chances of note were missed by us. The 1st waz when Obertan waz put through---he raced up the pitch and with anly Guzan in the Villa goal to beat he 'baallzd it up' and missed hiz chance.
Then 'at the death' Perez hit the post after Guzan punched clear, but 'it mattered not' az we played oot SEVEN minutes of stoppage time <(where the hell did they get that from?) before the ref finally blew, much to the relief of The Toon faithful!

We are now 'cemented' in 11th place in the table, while 'The Hazbeenz' remain 2nd bottom in the relegation 'mire' <(oh how we would celebrate if they went doon!)

And yi naa that old sayin'---divvint yiz!---
"WOT GANS AROOND COMES AROOND!"

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Haidara (Ryan Taylor 61), Obertan (Gouffran 78), Sissoko, Abeid, Sammy Ameobi, Riviere (Perez 73), Cisse

Attendance: A MAGnificent/foolhardy? 51,573 (2,000 plus 'Hazbeenz & Villians'!) *

PS: Jasper Carrott iz a diehard Bormingham City fan!---the ideal choice for the next Villa manager!