Sunday 31 July 2011


Updated '10:40 pm bells' Sunday 31st July 2011

Today we sampled the 'delights'? of West Yorkshire in wor '2 bells' kick off 'friendly'? against Leeds @ Elland Road where 'The Toon' had a 4,000 plus followin'.

Before the game we heeded to the rundoon district of Holbeck, not far from the groond for the 'customary' pre match 'liquids', but horror upon horror!--- the forst two 'drinkin dens' we came across near Pleasant Terrace werent so 'pleasant' as wor pictures show.

However!---just up the road from these two boarded up hostelries we foond 'sanctuary' next to 'Pleasant Place' (believe it or not?) in the shape of 'The Bulls Head' and we gained entry by knockin' on the back door (as it was before openin time!) and enterin' the bar to be greeted by a large black 'n' white dog barkin' loudly!


After several 'tonsil ticklin' tonics' from the friendly bar staff, we said wor goodbyes to this 'pleasant place' (sic!) and made the qwaata of an hours jaunt to Elland Road for the '2 bells' kick off.

It didn't start off well for The Toon who were wearin' their change orange strip, when in the 4th minute Fraser Forster in the Toon goal fumbled badly and dropped the baall to the delight of Kosnorbo who had the easiest of chances to tap into the empty goal in front of the travellin' fans.

Half an hour later and we were back on level torms when Steve Taylor vollied home at The Gelderd End (aka: The Don Revie Stand)

Midway through the second period a Mike Williamson error let in Lloyd Sam for Leeds to toepoke home.

In the 76th minute we were back on track when Vuckic controlled a cross from Demba Ba and fired into the net.

However!--another blunder from Fraser Forster who misjudged a cross, let in Paynter who heeded in from point blank range to seal the win for Championship side.

Me thinx that Forster has played his last game for us!

Attendance: 20,457

To sum up!----Elland Road is definately NOT! one of mee fave groonds, as aa broke mee leg here 41 years ago, on Boxin' Day 1970 when a crash barrier collased and aa was 'carted off' to St James' Hospital in Leeds (would you believe!) and aa missed the match!
(a 3-0 defeat!)---But that's anotha 'disaster day' story for the 'archives'!

Next up for the forst team---Fiorentina @ St James' Park next Saturday in wor final pre season friendly! (memo: must do better!)

Saturday 30 July 2011


Posted '9:20 pm bells' Saturday 30th July 2011
NUMBER 9 NILE RANGER (in orange) 

The Toon resorves ran oot 4-2 winners in this 'bakin' heat' encoonta @ 'The Brewery Field' today!

After a few 'liquid refreshments' in the 'Salvin Arms' in doontoon Spennymoor, it was off to the groond just alang the road, for the final 'gargels' before kick off!

Things didn't start off well for 'The Orangemen' (wor change strip, coz 'Spenny' play in black 'n' white stripes like us!) and the home side took the lead in the 40th minute through Peacock.

We levelled things in the 8th minute of the 2nd half when Brad Inman tapped in from close range.

It was 2-1 to us  4 mins later when Ryan Donaldson was hacked doon in the box and Nile 'Lone' Ranger blasted the resultin' penalty into the back of the Spenny net!

An equaliser on the hour mark brung us back doon to orth---but! a 'jinky run' by wor penalty hero saw him gan past two defenders before slottin' the baall home for the best goal of the game!

Brad Inman then got his 2nd in injury time when he fired in from close range to silence the home fans and the 3 mackem striped saddos present!

Attendance: A very healthy 1,127 includin' the 3 SMB's mentioned, plus 2 'freebees' watchin' from their bedroom windows which owerlooked the halfway line! (at least 600 Toon fans by my estimate) 


Posted '10:40 am bells' Saturday 30th July 2011
The resorves are playin' @ the 'romantically named'? 'Brewery Field' groond, Spennymoor this afternoon @ '3 bells' and aa'll post a match report later on toneet when aa (eventually!) get back.
It's three quid to get in, if yih fancy gannin'

Wednesday 27 July 2011


Posted '2:15 pm bells Wednesday 27th July 2011

The Toon finally came good in their USA tour with a great 3-0 win @ The Crew Stadium, Ohio against Columbus Crew.

Shola Ameobi 'copied' his brother 'Sammy' (see Almere report below) by scorin' a fine goal in the 9th minute by roundin' their keeper after a defensive mistake.
'Fab' Coloccini made it two when he fired in from ten yards oot and Harris Vidic wrapped things up with a great shot in injury time, in front of the joyous Toon fans at that end of the stadium.
Final score 3-0 to us!

Things are (hopefully!) lookin' up!

Attendance: 11,224 (quite a few Toon fans)

Monday 25 July 2011


Posted '2:00 pm bells' Wednesday 27th July 2011
As aa
'ground withdrawal symptoms', aa decided that aa MUST! tek in at least ONE of wor pre season games in the 'second strings' tour of Holland and so alang with 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teecha' <(he told me how to spell it!) we heeded for Leeds/Bradford airport for a bucket price flight to Amsterdam

When we arrived at the groond which was half an hours train ride from 'Amsterdam Centraal' we were telt by 'Glennn from Ashington' (who'd 'groundhopped' to AALL of the Dutch games) that the game wasn't bein played there, as they had a plastic pitch and 'The Toon' refused to play on it!

This meant that the game had to be played on a grass trainin' pitch next to the groond on 'The Toons' insistance!

Aall that way to see a match on a f*****' trainin' pitch was devestatin' news to both me and Mal, but at least they hadn't caalled the game off aaltogether!
Brief match report below (full groundhoppers report to follow later on in the week!)

Veld 7, (Field 7!) Fanny Blankers Koen sports complex
(honest! aa havvent made it up!--see photo above!)
Almere City 3
Newcastle United XI 2 (Nile Ranger, Sammy Ameobi)

Friendly fixture
Attendance:280 estimated (40ish Toon fans) 

Things didn't start off well on 'Veld 7' as within a minute of the start the home side known as 'The Sheepheads' took the lead afta sloppy Toon defendin'
It got worse six mins later when Almere doubled their lead and we were now on the back foot.

Nile Ranger pulled one back at the otha end with a fine effort but it remained 2-1 to the hosts at half time.
'The Sheepheads' restored their two goal advantage midway through the second half when Joey Barton fouled one of their forwards in the box and the home side convorted a penalty through Meulens

Sammy Ameobi reduced the arrears with a tap in near the end but we couldn't get another, although Ranger came close in the final minute to levellin' the game!

This was mee 280th groond watchin' The Toon and as coincidence would have it, there were 280 spectators present (aye! we coonted them!)

Like aa say!---full mad-sad (and 'sick'!)groundhoppers report to follow (much) later!

Sunday 24 July 2011


Posted '7:15 am bells' Sunday 24th July 2011
"I'm a canny cetre forward---like!"

This match in 'The State of Disneyland' @ '1:30 bells' this mornin' had to be played on a plastic pitch due to the grass one, (which had hastily been laid on the top ), comin' up 'like a loose carpet', which then had to be removed before the match could take place for fear of yet more injuries to key players!

We had precisely ne chances in the forst half and then Orlando, who play in the lower leagues of America, struck in the 76th minute of the second half when Kevin Molino fired home to win the 'drastic plastic' game 1-0. 
We could have done with a 'Mickey Mouser' apparently, (Scouser, Joey Barton, perhaps?) as we were totally inafective again up front!
USA tour so far: Played two, won none, scored none! 

Attendance:10,889 (in a 70,000 seater stadium!)

Better news from Holland though, where a Toon XI beat an Utrecht XI 3-2 on their trainin' pitch after bein' 2-0 doon at one stage.
Joey Barton , Michael Richardson and Ryan Donaldson were wor goalscorers

(more to follow later when aa finish work!)

Friday 22 July 2011


Posted '10:45 am bells' Friday 22nd July 2011

HOLLANDIA 2  TOON XI  2 (Joey Barton, Ryan Donaldson)
Attendance: not known, but aa naa of at least one 'Toonhopper' who would have been there!

The Toon's second string, boosted by the appearances of  Joey Barton, Yohan Cabaye, plus several others with forst team experience could anly draa with the Dutch amateurs in the smaall toon of Hoorn last neet.

Joey Barton opened the scorin' in the 16th minute but the Dutchmen then struck twice to lead 2-1 at half time.
Barton then missed a penalty which hit the post 10 mins into the 2nd half, but wor embarrassment was saved by Ryan Donaldson who equalised for us with just 10 mins left on the clock.

Amazingly! the team were forced to 'slum it' on a SIXTEEN HOUR! ferry jorney from North Shields instead of a ONE hour flight from Toon airport!

This is reminiscent of a forst team tour to Sweden in the late 1980's, when players had to endure a torturous FORTY HOURS! plus ferry ride in rough seas to Scandinavia.
Some of the players, includin' Brazilian star Mirandinha were SO p****d off, that they actually paid for their AAN! air fares home, rather than come back on the ferry!
Twenty odd years on---and nothin' changes!

Thursday 21 July 2011


Posted '7:00 am bells' Thorsday 21st July 2011

The Toon drew nowts each with Kansas  in the (very) orly hours of this mornin' @ Livestrong Sporting Park in the swelterin' heat in their forst game of their USA tour.

Dan Gosling went off in the 15th minute with a facial injury and more worryin', Ben Arfa was stretchered of on the half hour mark with a leg injury!
Demba Ba made a quiet debut in front of 16,131 fans includin' aboot 9 or 10 Toonhoppers who'd  travelled from England. (but not me a'm afraid------As mentioned, (see article below) aa was unable to travel to The States this time (aa was there on wor last visit in 2000) and was fast asleep in bed back home when the match was on!) "ZZZZZzzzzz!"

Tuesday 19 July 2011


Posted '8:00 pm bells' Tuesday 19th July 2011

Answer to 'The Geordie Times 'quiz
Wot is unique aboot Berwick Rangers badge?
Answer: Berwick are the anly club to have a Scottish lion and an English lion in their club badge!


Posted '9:45 bells' Tuesday 19th July 2011

Like Joey Barton, Nile Ranger and Yohan Cabaye, I winnit be gannin to 'The States' for wor pre season tour tomorrow, due to work commitments and financial considerations <(I'm NOT! in the 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire', league!) and aa simply cannit afford to tek ten days off graft to gan.

I worked it oot that if me and wor lass went, it would cost us £2,000 each for hotels and the (possible) ten flight 'nightmare' (I divvint like flyin'!) and with spendin' money and lost wages added on, yi taalkin aboot a £5,000 outlay at least! (That's roughleee EIGHT THOOSAND DOLLARS! ($8,000!) to wor American friends!

However!--- if anybody is willin' to lend/give! me the 'bit', we could catch a flight to Kansas tomorrow in time for the forst match! (any offers???)----(the silence iz 'deafenin'!!!)

But fear not!-- I do have contingency plans in place to 'slum it' and gan to at least ONE of the resorves pre season games on their tour of Holland and so get at least one new groond under mee belt! (the tour was annoonced just last week, givin' us virtually ne time to organise things!)

It's ironic to say the least that the Toonhoppers who ARE gannin' to the USA (seven, that aa naa of!) will miss the games in Holland as they are bein' played in the same time period!

Aa meen!--yi cannit be in two places at the same time!---can yi!!!???

Saturday 16 July 2011


Posted '9:30 pm bells' Saturday 16th July 2011
The Toon won their second game in less than 24 hours when a
'resorve-junior' side beat Berwick Strangers   2-1 at a rain sodden Shielfield Park this afternoon.

After a few 'liquid refreshments' in 'The Brown Bear' and 'The Harrow' (amongst otha boozers!) we made for the groond as the rain lashed doon relenltlessleee!

Yven Moyo opened wor accoont in the 39th minute with a reet foot shot past the despairin' home keeper.
Brandon Mielie then doubled wor lead 29 mins from time with a deflected shot which wrang footed the Berwick keeper.
The home side replied 5 mins later from the penalty spot but that was the end of the scorin' and wor 'second string/juniors' ran oot 2-1 winners in wot was a truly aaful game to watch! "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"

Thankfully there was ne pitch invasion this time!

Anly 493 very wet fans bothered to torn up, of which approximately half where from Tyneside.

Quiz question: wot iz unique aboot the Berwick club badge?   The clue is in the two lions on their crest (above)
The answer will be revealed in 'The Geordie Times' on Tuesday!


Posted '9:10 am bells' Saturday 16th July 2011
An unfortun-ate pitch invasion by some Toon
'brain-deed' idiots marred this friendly fixture with many of them hardly able to stand! ("Er!---aa was a little bit better than that!")

With the backin' of six thoosand plus fans and wearin' wor new bright orange change kit, we took the lead with just three minutes on the clock with a fine Joey Barton effort.

It stayed that way til the hour mark when sub Sammy Ameobi came on to chants of: "If Sammy scores we're on the pitch!"  
He did! and this resulted in the 'said invasion' from aroond 500 or so of the 'braindeed' variety, most of them not much older than 'school age'
Ten minutes  passed before the pitch was cleared by 'The Dibble' and match stewards and the game thankfully resumed after quite a few were carted off to the local nick!

In total 22 players were used, includin' the French duo of Yohan Cabaye and Mehdi Abeid, who of course were mekin' their dubuts 

Attendance: 9,721 (6,000 Toon fans)(500 'braindeed' idiots!) 

Today the Toon resorves play Berwick in Tweedmooth and lets hope the same thing doesn't happen up there this afternoon! (Er!---see Berwick report from 1978 below!)

I'm back on the train again at 'eleven bells' (after gettin' off the Darlo train at eleven thorty last neet!) and this time we heed north instead of south!

Again!---match report to follow much later!

Friday 15 July 2011


Posted '10:50 am bells' Friday 15th July 2011
Just fifty fower days after hoyin' away a three goal lead against West Brom on the last day of the
2010-11 season on May 22nd, we are ready to embark on this seasons games aalready, with a friendly against  Darlo @ 'The Northern Echo Areeena' toneet @ '7:45 bells'.
The Toon will have a very healthy followin' of nearly SIX thoosand and will probably ootnumber the home fans by three to one!

A'm on the 'three bells'  train from 'The Central' and shud 'hit' the forst 'liquid lubrication location' in Darlo toon centre by 'three forty five bells'! (hopefully!) 

Match report to follow much later! (when I sober up!)

 Az aa was writin' the above 'piece', 'The Geordie Times' had it's 11,111th hit! 
We now have been viewed in 104 countries! 
"Hello! Belarus!" ----"Hello! Taiwan!"---"Hello!  Aruba!" (wherever you are?)

Tuesday 12 July 2011


Updated '7:35 pm bells' Tuesday 12th July 2011
On the advice ("Er!"-"insistance!") of 'Dibble', wor forthcomin' game against the SMB @ the SOS will now kick off @ high noon bells on Saturday 20th August (suprize!---suprize!) 
"Do not forsake me oh! my darling!"

This game for some unbeknown reason to man nor beast is NOT live on telly? ("Er!"---"unless yee naa different"???)

Az usual 'The Geordie Times' haz brung you this news--second hand--first!
("Aa meen!---wih anly a day late--like!")

"Er!"---Wor game against 'The Liver Birds' @ Anfield on New Years Eve haz aalso been changed to a '12:45 bells' kick off on the 'advice' of 'The Morseyside Dibble' (again---ne live telly) (so far!)

The full fixture list for the resorves have aalso been released and I will endevaa to update them later

The Fiorentina tickets are now on sale for wor one and anly home pre season friendly on Saturday August 6th ('3 bells') and are 'owerpriced' @ twenty quid for big kids, a tenner for zimmerframeites and a fiver for sprogs!

Monday 11 July 2011


Posted '8:00 pm bells' Monday 11th July 2011

Followin' 'massive pressure' from 'The Geordie Times', both 'Sky' and 'ESPN' have (finalleee!) released 'The Toons' live games for the start of the season.


Sat 13th August*****'The Arse'   home '5:30 bells'

Mon 12th September*****QPR   away '8:00 bells'

Sun 16th October*****Spors   home '4:00 bells'

Mon 31st October*****Stoke   away '8:00 bells'

Sat 5th November*****Everton  home '12:45 bells'

Ne doubt there'll be many more to follow!

Thursday 7 July 2011


Posted '25 to nine (pm) bells' Thorsday 7th July 2011
Tickets are now on sale for wor end of the month friendly game against Leeds @ Elland Road on Sunday 31st (kick off '2:00 bells')
Priced at fifteen quid for gadgies & gorls and eight quid for bairns & Zimmerites, they can be bought from the box office above the club shop at St James'
We have been allocated the whole of the Sooth Stand (plus the corner bit!)
Tickets are aalso on sale for wor friendly @ Darlo on Friday 15th (£10 and £5)

PS: Mee computaa will be oot of action for a few days due to old age!, but shud be up and runnin' agen by Monday neet!

Wednesday 6 July 2011

£35 MILLION!!!---WOT £35 MI££ION???

Posted '1:00 pm bells' Wednesday 6th Ju£y 2011
"£35 MILLION!!!???"------"HAVE A DRINK ON ME INSTEAD!!!"

The latest news from the club is that SOME!? of the £35 Million quid from the transfer of 'ye naa who', will NOT! be spent until the JANUARY! transfer window opens, with claims that if we spend it aall now, we'll have nowt left for 'the window' in six months time!!! (ne mention at aall? of aall the season ticket money/'Sky' money/sponsors money/etc. received???)

"I   F*****'  KNEW  IT!!!"


Updated 'high noon bells' Wednesday 6th July 2011
'The Toon' have been allocated the whole of Darlo's North Stand for wor openin' friendly a week on Friday. The stand holds 5,378 so there shud be plenty of room for 'The Toon Travellers' @ 'The Northern Echo Arena' (kick off 7:45 pm bells')

Tickets are now on sale from the box office which is situated in the club shop at The Gallowgate End (up the escalator) Prices: Ten quid for grown ups & a fiver for bairns & those of you of 'zimmerframe age'!
 Tickets for wor friendly @ Leeds at the end of the month will gan on sale shortly (we'll let yi naa straight away when we find oot!)

Followin' 'pressure'? from 'The Geordie Times', (see  article (somewhere?) below!) 'Sky' are expected to annoonce their live Premya Leeeg fixtures for the start of the new season 'very soon'
(Agen---watch this space!)

Sunday 3 July 2011


Posted 'ten to one pm bells' Sunday 3rd July 2011

Here we are, with under six weeks to gan before the start of the new season and 'Sky' and 'ESPN' still havvent said which games they are gannin to televise, despite the fact that the fixtures were released in the middle of Joon.

Surely they must naa by now which games are gannin oot live??? so that WE, the fans, who are actually gannin to the matches can book wor cheap train tickets in advance.

Wor forst London game for example is at QPR and is unlikely to be changed.  BUT! that does'nt mean to say that it WONT BE for some reason and therefore we will have to eetha 'tek a chance' and book the '7 bells' train doon on the Saturday mornin' or wait and pay more when they eventually decide to pick the games for that weekend.

YET! AGEN! the loyal 'Toonhoppers' (and fans of otha Premya Leeeg clubs!) are treated with uttaa contempt!


Friday 1 July 2011


Posted '11:20 am bells' Friday 1st July 2011
Yet anotha Frenchman has signed for 'The Toon' on a free transfor, this time from Racing Club Lens.
Mehdi Abeid is an 18 year old midfielder and has signed a five year deal and brings wor French connection to FOWER so far this summer! (three of them for free!)

This still leaves the £35 million we got from 'The Liver Birds' for 'yee naa who' in the kitty, with just six weeks to gan before the start of the new season, as Nolan's received transfor fee from West Ham cancels oot Yohan Cabaye's ootgannin transfor fee to Lille.
("divvint haad yer breath!")