Tuesday 30 March 2021

POLL POSITION!

 Posted '2:30pm bells' Tuesday 30th March 2021



14,000 Toon fans responded to a poll in the Toon's local paper (The Ronny-Gill) and 95% have said they want wor beleagered manager to eethaa resign or be sacked! (We suspect that some who want him to stay are smb supporters!)

Brucey haz buried his *'mincers' in his face mask (see above!) 'in denial of the predicament we are in' and refused to resign, statin that he iz the best man for the job? And of course he wants hiz £4 million compensation should he be sacked---nowt if he does resign! (*Mincers= mince pies =eyes!)

Wor silent MD, known as Penfold, for his uncanny resemblance to the cartoon character from the 'Danger Mouse' TV series, takes his orders from the Toon owner, known affectionately as 'The Fat Controller' to Toon fans and the word is that they are NOT gannih sack him for the above reason! 

Brucey actually believes that he will still be in charge NEXT season!---A nightmare scenario for certain! And in what division?

Rumour has it that Brucey refused to take trainin last week, as the fallout with some players haz reached breaking point! ---And of course there is 'the mole', giving snippets of info to the press!

This is ridiculous and sommik must give before too lang az this situation can surely not continue az we gan from bad to worse!

Monday 29 March 2021

GAYLE FORCE BREEZE!

 Posted '3:09pm bells' Munday 29th March 2021



MESSAGE UNDERSTOOD!

News that Dwight Gayle haz signed a new 3 year contract on reduced torms reaches us!

If anything, this shows the clubs thoughts of escaping the drop! Gayle has made just 2 starts this season and has been an unused sub on several occasions! He is 31 and at best iz a Championship striker and simply not good enough for the Premyaa Leegue!

The message from the hierarchy IZ, Championship futbaall next season is more likely than not, so we are makin contingency plans for that scenario aalready!

Whereaz Gayle haz every chance of scoring against the likes of Bormingham City, he haz nee chance of scoring against the likes of Man City!

And this from a club that iz still 2 points clear of the drop zone with 9 games to gan!

DO YOO GET THE MESSAGE?

LOUD AND CLEAR!

Sunday 28 March 2021

HAVE A BREAK, HAVE Γ€ BACON SARNIE!!

 Posted '8:42pm bells' Sunday 28th March 2021


Wor 'little sister' The Sunday Times, today reports that a health expert haz said that prosessed meat like bacon is bad for your brain and can cause loss of memory and brain damage!

After the short winter break, wor 'larger than lard' manager, "I'm in Denial' Bruce, mishord a question from a reporter when he asked, "How's the BREAK then, Steve!"

Bruce, with his mind on other things, replied, "How's the BACON, did ye say?" to roars of laughter from the assembled press! (The one and anly time this haz happened!)

Nee explanation needed now, for wor terrible run of form of late!

(2 wins in 20 games!)




GEORDIE TIMES LAPTOP 'CATTLE TRUCKED'!

 Posted '2:07pm bells' Sunday 28th March 2021

            NORMAL SORVICE WILL   BE RESUMED AZ SOON                  AZ POSSIBLE!

We have technical problems at The Geordie Times az the laptop that we dee reports on wont switch on for some reason!? Its completely dead!

So we will have to dee the reports from wor mobile phone for the time being, until a new laptop can be bought!

This isnt ideal az misstayks are more likely using a smaall keypad!

More uppdates later!

Friday 26 March 2021

FAN FARE FEAST FEST!

 Posted from 'high noon bells' onwards, Friday 26th March 2021

Wor home game v Sheff U could be moved to midweek to allow fans to attend

Forst of aall, Fulim's game away to The Villa on Saturday week haz been moved to Sunday!

Crucially, whereas they were playin before us originally and could have pushed us into the relegation zone if they won, now they play after wor home game v Sporz on Sunday week (wors '2:05 bells' ko--theirs '4:30 bells' ko), which gives NUFC yet another chance to pull clear of them, IF we can somehow win!?

Sporz have had an indifferent season , so we have another 'throw of the dice' in this horrible run of just 2 wins in 20!

Both Allan Saint-Maximin and top goalscorer Callum Wilson are back in trainin' and hopefully they will both be fit to start against Sporz! πŸ™

Play like we did against Evaatin away and we could pick up the 3 points, BUT if we play like we did against Brightin last week, then we will surely lose again!

The other breaking news iz that 10,000 fans are to be allowed back into stadiums for the last 2 games, including 1,000 away supporters! (Alledgedly?)

This meenz that 9,000 Toon fans could be present in wor last home game v Sheff U, which would be moved to a midweek date and 1,000 away to Fulim in wor last game of the season!

More on aall this later!

Tuesday 23 March 2021

BRUCEY STICKS TO COVID 19 RULES!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 23rd March 2021

News that wor brain dead heed coach haz given the players six days off oot of nine before the Sporz home game, tells us that he haz given up the ghost and iz observing the covid 'stay at home' rules to the letter!  This speaks volumes for a man who speaks total drivel at press conferences!

He is begging for the sack to get hiz 4 million quid compensation,  but wor absent and silent owner 'The Fat Controller' iz having none of it!

Its az though BOTH OF THEM want the ultimate revenge on the fans for slaggin them off-- and relegation would be the final dagger in the back for the 50,000 faithful, who will be on the receiving end!

Oh for an owner who actually speaks to us and for a heed coach who doesn't!







Monday 22 March 2021

Sunday 21 March 2021

NUFC DEATH WISH!

 Posted from '12:36pm bells' onwards, Sunday 21st March 2021



Both Andy Carroll and Dwight Gayle were furious at havin to make a 750 miles roond trip to Brightin and not get any game time, despite the fact that we played with nee forwards!  Miggy Almiron wasn't fit, yet Bruce played him! Unbeleeeevible!
When Issac Hayden woz stretchered off just before half time, Bruce didnt move a muscle or look in hiz direction, to see how he woz, despite bein' just a couple of feet away az he woz carried off!----What's gannin on, like!?   

Wor 'I don't care' owner 'The Fat Controller' haz issued a statement aboot NUFCs current plight , sayin' that 'In Denial' Bruce is keepin his job az heed coach, despite a 24% win rate this season and just 2 wins in the last 20 games! (10% win rate!)

TO NOT SACK HIM IZ A DEATH WISH FOR CERTAIN!

 











Saturday 20 March 2021

NEE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTIN V THE TOON *** TOONEET!

 Posted from 'high noon bells' onwards, Saturday 20th March 2021

The Middle of Neewhere AMEX Stadium 
(Brightin is in the far distance on the horizon 6 miles away, next to the sea!)


Tooneet at '8 bells' NUFC play wor most important game of the season when we take on Brightin at The Amex!

Fulim's 2-1 defeat last neet woz an unexpected bonus for both us and Brightin in the race for safety!

A win for eethaa side will ease their relegation worries for certain! In wor case we would be 5 points above Fulim with a game in hand and Brighton would be 6 points from 3rd bottom should they win!

We at The Geordie Times hope and pray that Brucey doesnt put 10 men behind the baall and gan for a nil-nil draw, but unfortunately that's wot will probably happen!

We have it from a unreliable source that Almiron woz on the plane yesterday from Toon airport (a friend of a friend of a friend, who works at the airport!) which gives us attacking options!---But will wor 'manager in denial' have a brainwave and actually try to field a team to try and score a goal? (In 7 previous top flight games we have never won and scored just ONE solitary goal against the team who play in the middle of neewhere!) (3 nil-nil draws az well!)

It shud be noted however, that Brightin have won just ONE home game this season in the Premyaa Leegue (v Sporz)

We will of course be sitting by wor laptop at wor hoose, norvisely suppin large quantities of the broon stuff to get us completely comatosed before kick off time!



A minute by minute action report will appear here in due course from '7pm bells' onwards when the teams are annoonced!

Az per usual, "Watch this space!"

*



*15th minute: Commentator apologises for the industrial language from the NUFC bench!

Aall Brightin so far!  Not good enough!


*24thminute: Commentator    Dubravka in NUFC goal haz had most touches for a NUFC player!  (Just aboot sums it up so far!) Nee shots  27% possession!



*Commentator: 31st minute: Can Bruce survive another hour of this?


*35th minute: Corner to Toon!    Shud we dee a lap of honour?


*39th minute: picture froze on laptop! "Get in!" (Pic comes back on!😳)


*42nd minute  Hayden injured   carried off on stretcher! Hendrick on!

Bruce doesnt even gan ower to console Hayden!


*45+3  goal for Brightin

1-0 doon!


*HT  nee shots on goal

Commentator: This has been a tough watch if you are a Newcasil fan!  (Yoo can say that again!)


*49th minute   Fraser hits Brightin post! 



*51st minute: goal to Brightin--game ower! 


*61st minute: Commentator  Newcasil playing 4-1-4-1 now!


*67th minute   3-0 to brightin   three f***** nil!


FT 3-0  NUFC never had ONE shot on goal in BOTH the 3-0 defeats by Brightin!


'In Denial' Bruce during the match, HIDIN' hiz EYES in his face mask!

NO HIDING PLACE NOW, STEVE!


And at St. James' Park tooneet!--Some new banners!




Friday 19 March 2021

SPIRIT IN THE TIE!

 Posted 'midneet bells' Friday 19th March 2021, and updated from 'high noon bells', onwards

*Steve Bruce iz looking for the same spirit, when NUFC face Brightin in crunch trip!

The next two days will surely divine wor season, as Fulim take on Leeedz at Craven Cottage tooneet and a win for the home side will drop us to the 3rd relegation spot!   A bad omen is that Leeedz havint won in London for 3 years, but aall Toon fans will be hopin that they can finally put this hoodoo to bed!

Then tomorrow 'The Toon' travel to the south coast to play wor most important game of the season so far, when we take on Brightin at The Amex! 

And a bad omen for THAT iz WE havent beaten them in 8(EIGHT!) attempts in the Premyaa Leegue and unbelievably we have scored just 1(ONE!) solitary goal against them in aall eight games!!! (Pathetic!)

Brucey says that he wants the same spirit az we showed in the Villa game last Friday! (see above photo!)

Win and we gan back above both Fulim and Brightin!

Draw or lose and we stay 3rd bottom if Fulim win!


Updated 'high noon bells' onwards

"I'm in Denial" Bruce press conference this mornin'

"I only want what's best for the club and over the last few months in particular, I haven't been good enough to get the results that this club demands!" (A complete contradiction if yoo ask us!) In other words, I'm not good enough but I won't resign coz I want my 4 million!

"We are out of our bad period!" (Draw,Draw,Draw,Lost,Lost?)

(NUFC are the anly top flight club not to have won any of wor last 5 games!)   Bruce again: "Can we get 17/18 points in the last 10 games?" (To end up with 45/46 points!!!!!)(Can pigs fly?🐷?)

(We would need to average nearly 2 points a game to get that!---current average ONE point per game!)




HOPE THIS DOESN'T COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM TOONEET!?




GEORDIE TIMES COMMENT!
What we reeely need iz an accumulation of PINTS to get completly comatosed before '8 bells' tomorrow neet!😳🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺πŸ₯΄


Update after the Fulim game here at '10:00pm bells'πŸ™

*Great news from The Cottage! Leeedz won 2-1 which meenz a win tomorrow at Brightin will take us 5 points clear of Fulim with a game in hand az well!

So pleeeze, pleeeeeze Brucey, for gods sake dont try and play for a goalless draw!

Beleeeve it or not I couldn't bare to watch tooneets game, so I watched a documentary aboot the Bronte sisters on mee laptop instead!

I'm a Bronte fanatic now!----Must do this more often when rival relegation rivals play!





Thursday 18 March 2021

TOON TELLY TIMES!

 Posted 'midneet bells' Thorsday 18th March 2021

*

   ☠ "Shiver mee timbers!" 

The latest telly and laptophoppers times have been annoonced 3 days ago!

Saturday 20th March,  Nee Where Near Brightin, away '8:00 bells' on Sky AND!

Sunday 4th April, Sporz, SJP '2:05 bells' on Sky AND!

Sunday 11th April, The Bornley Hillbillies, away, 'high noon bells' on Sky AND!

Better late than never!  But this IZ 'The Geordie Times' after aall, wot do yoo expect?

Remember wor motto:

"We will bring yoo aall the NUFC news 2nd hand forst!"(Or is it forst hand 2nd???)πŸ€”

Tuesday 16 March 2021

IT'S AZ THOUGH 'THE FAT CONTROLLER' WANTS US RELEGATED!

 Posted '2:00am bells' Tuesday 16th March 2021

    Special thanx to 'Wor Flags'!

Az per usual there iz deathly silence from those at the decision makin end of NUFC!

Not one word aboot wor prediciment from wor absent owner 'The Fat Controller' or MD 'Penfold'!?  To dee nothin', suck your thumbs and hope for the best, iz criminal, az we sink forthaa into the mire!

It iz obvious to everyman and hiz dog that unless Brucey iz shown the door, then the trapdoor will open and we are AALMOST certain be jettisoned doon to The Championship yet again!

Iz this wor fate?  To 'yo-yo' between the top flight and 2nd tier forevermore?

The big difference this time iz that yoo WON'T have fans queuin aroond the block of St James' clammerin' to buy season tickets for the relegation to the Championship! (Az happened when Rafa woz here!)

Instead the exact opposite will happen, az fans, fed up with Bruce's excuses and this dreadful fare, will abandon the sinkin' ship in their thooosands!

Honestly, if we gan doon and get average gates of 30,000 next season I will be amazed, IF the present regime and manager are still here!?

The wage bill of potential ruin!

And of course the players wage bill iz astronomical, with the likes of Joelinton on ower 86 grand a week, with nee relegation clauses in their contracts!----A recipe for disaster!---UNLESS!--The Fat Controller haz something up hiz sleeve aboot the inpendin and never endin takeower saga?

    Again, special thanx to 'Wor flags'!

PS: We at 'The Geordie Times' want Brucey to prove that we are aall wrang!--WE REEELY DEE!πŸ™


Sunday 14 March 2021

A POINT'S A POINT, BUT WHAT'S THE POINT!?

 Posted '3:15pm bells' Sunday 14th March 2021

IT'S THE ACCUMULATION OF POINTS!


On Friday neet after wor 1-1 draw v Villa, wor 3rd draw in a row, wor manager Steve "I'm in Denial" Bruce said that "A point's a point, we move on!" (It's the accumulation of points after aall!)

Since then, relegation rivals Bornley and Brightin have both claimed THREE valuable points with victories ower Evaatin and Sooothampton respectively!

In Bornley's case, they move 5 points aheed of us and az for Brightin, they 'leapfrog' us up to 16th place with a point more!

Az Fulim play Leedz on Friday neet, they too will 'leapfrog' us and put us into the bottom 3 if they win, before we play (guess who?) BRIGHTIN away on Saturday neet!

Aall of this woz avoidable of course, but wor 'beloved?' owner 'The Fat Controller' and hiz advisors couldn't see what 50,000 Toon fans could see, and sack Bruce before it woz too late!

Indeed!---even if they DO sack him now it may WELL be tooo late, with just 10 games to play!

Totally avoidable, but who are WE to question 'The Fat Controller's 'wisdom'? ---or complete lack of it az the case may be---for the THORD time in 12 years!

Saturday 13 March 2021

"SPLIT STRIKERS? MORE LIKE A SPLIT PERSONALITY!"

 Posted from '7:45pm bells' onwards, Saturday 13th March 2021

A NEW FLAG FOR 'THE STRAWBERRY CORNER', PERHAPS!? 

Results of othaa teams have not gone wor way today, in wor fight to avoid the drop!

Wor under pressure manager Steve "I'm in Denial" Bruce haz said that we were playin with a 'false' number 9 (yoo can say that again!) and  'split' strikers yesterday? (whatever thats supposed to mean?)

These bizzare new sayings from Brucey are the latest in a lang line of garbage he spews oot in press conferences! "We are where we are!", "It is what it is!" etc

This haz resulted in a point a game from the last 3 games, az others aroond us pick up a maximum 3 points! ("Its' the accumulation of points at the end of the season!"-----"A points a point, we move on!"---Guess who?)

Az we write this, Bornley have picked up 3 massive points at Evaatin in a 2-1 win to widen the gap to 5 points between us!

Orlier on, Cristill Palliss beat Fat Sam's WBA 1-0 to move 9 points clear of us and virtual safety!

Wot does this mean for NUFC?----well instead of 8 or 9 teams in the relegation battle, there are now anly 5, Brucey!-----2 of which look doomed (Sheff U and WBA) which leaves Fulim, Brightin and NUFC to fill the thord bottom place!

Fulim are at home to Man City soon and we can anly hope and pray that the champions elect can grab the 3 points!

IF Fulim win (god forbid!) then they will move above us by one point!  The Geordie Times won't be watchin' or listenin', for fear of puttin' the 'kiss of death' on the result we want!πŸ™

We will update later when the above game iz finished at '10:00 bells'

(Brightin play away to Sooothampton tomorrow and IF they win az well, we will drop into the relegation zone!!!!)


Updated '10:00pm bells' 

Man City beat Fulim 3-0 so we can't gan into the bottom 3 even if Brightin win tomorrow!  The result aalso dents Fulim's goal difference, which iz now anly 3 better than wors and we have a game in hand ower them!



Friday 12 March 2021

THE TOON v THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS *** TOONEET AT '8:00 BELLS'

 Posted from '7:00pm bells' onwards, Friday 12th March 2021



NUFC play another must win, must win game tooneet v Villa at SJP

With just 11 games left to save worsels, things are gettin desperate az we are just one point above Fulim in the relegation zone!

Below are "I'm' in Denial" Bruce's programme notes from tooneets game!?

It woz 7 or 8 teams in trouble last week---now its 5 or 6 ?

Updates will be posted below az we watch on nervously from Geordie Times HQ on wor laptop!

*The glow of the floodlights at St. James' Park from Geordie Times HQ at '7:09pm bells'

*'7:40 bells'  Joelinton iz 60/1 to have 2 heeders on target!

No joke!  SkyBet

*Commentator: "Not one Newcastle player in the team has scored more than one goal this season!"

RIP  GLENN ***LOST BUT NOT FORGOTTEN!

*4th min: Fraser shot on target at Leazes End

*HT 0-0  1 shot from NUFC!     A nil-nil draw looks wor best outcome az Villa are better team!

Possession 50/50



*Hour mark: nee forthaa shots on goal so far!

*shot on target for Villa's Target----on hiz own goal!!!

*81st min: Murphy hits bar at Gallowgate End!



*85th min: goal for Villa  og by Clark!  Oh no!


88th Carroll on   too little tooo late!? 

94th minute: GOAL FOR TOON   LASCELLES HEEDER!

FT 1-1   GOT OOT OF JAIL!

FOR NOW!!!!



Post match!

NUFC have now won just 2 games oot of the last 19 and wor manager said this!

He can't coont! It's THREE! (Wolves1-1, WBA 0-0 and Villa!)





Footnote: Wor number 6 defender Jamaal Lascelles, haz now scored two goals in the last two home games!

Wor number 9 striker Joelinton, hazzint scored in ANY home games this season, stretchin back some 7 months!

ie: Play wor number 6 up front and play Joelinton at cards, Steve!

♣️♦️♠️♥️⬅️ NOT a love heart!


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