THE TOON 1. THE BLUE MOONIES 3 *** FA CUP 5th ROOND

 

Posted just after ‘high noon 🕛 bells 🔔 Sunday 8th March 2026

“NEE ‘HYDE⬇️-ING’ PLACE!” 👹

Anothaa Jekyll and Hyde performance from The Toon!—Whereaz Dr Jekyll woz here on Wedinzday when we beat Moan U 2-1 with 10 men— Mr Hyde turned up yesterday az we were outplayed (again) by the blue half of Mancland!

It started off so well when we had several chances az we attacked the Leazes goal, culminating in a superb Harvey Barnes banana shot from a great Sandro Tonali through baall to put us 1-0 up after 18minutes!

Just when it looked az though we would hold onto the lead until the break—and with wor visitors pressing for an equaliser, it finally came in the 39th minute, when a Doku cross into the box eventually foond Savino in a melee of players, who had the simple task of tapping the baall ower the line to level things!

HT 1-1

It didn’t take ‘Citih’ lang to take the lead after the interval, when Numas pulled the baall back and unmarked, on the six yard line, Marmoush fired home, with the goal net bulgin! 2-1 to them!

It woz aall them after this az we were penned back in wor own half—and not suprizinglee Marmoush, who haz been a thorn in wor side this season, hit a screamer into the Leazes net, with Toon goalie Arron Ramsey well beaten! 3-1 to them!

The most galling thing aboot this was the fact that The Blue Moonies had made TEN changes from the weekend, with anly Nunes keeping his place in the side! (ie: Their 2nd string!)

And for the first time in wor history a team haz beaten us 4 times in 1 season (1 win, 4 defeats in Leegue and Cups)

The gap between them, ‘The Arse’ and us iz massive and the statement by wor hierarchy that we would be “Number One!” by 2030 looks absolutely ridiculous now!

Barcelona next on Tuezday in The Champions Leegue, but which one of Jekyll and Hyde will turn up, iz anybodys guess!

Attendance: 51,109 (The Blue Moonies didn’t sell aall of their 4,893 tickets, meaning that the crowd woz 1,000 plus below capacity) Success fatigue perhaps?🤔 

*

THE TOON V THE BLUE MOONIES AND DUNSTON V SELSDEN ••• DOUBLE HEEDER!

 Posted from ‘high noon 🕛 🛎️ bells’ onwards, Saturday 7th March 2026

Because of yet anothaa crazy kick off time at ‘8 bells 🔔’ tooneet, The Geordie Times iz deein a rare ‘double heeder’ and are gannin to watch The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston take on Silsden from Yorkshire at ‘3 bells 🔔’ in a Northern Premyaa Leegue East Division match! ( Step 4 in the futbaall pyramid which iz 8 Divisions below the Premyaa Leegue!)

That game will finish aroond aboot ‘10 to 5 bells 🔔’ and then it’s a mad rush for the bus, for the 10 minute jorney ower the Redheugh bridge, arriving at The Toon Moose boozer (Town Mouse) in the Haymarket at hopefully ‘5:30 bells’ 🔔 at the latest for a few ‘gargels’ before wor FA Cup 5th roond tie v Man Citih!

Which Toon team will torn oot iz anybodys guess?— hopefully the one that beat Moan U 2-1 with 10 men on Wedinzday—-and NOT the one that lost 3-2 to Evaatin last weekend!— 

Nick Waltemade iz expected to retorn after missin the Moan U game through illness, while Tino Livramento iz close to a retorn, but Lewis Miley, Fab Schar and Bruno are still crocked!

Jacob Ramsey iz banned coz of hiz ridiculous sendin off v Moan U!

Wor visitors were allocated 4,893 tickets, but, just like in the Leegue Cup semi final, they have failed to sell them aall —-again!

Az those unsold tickets cannit be resold to Toon fans, coz of segregation issues, there will be a below capacity crowd at SJP (Aall home sections are completely sold oot of course)

Extra time and penalties will follow if the game iz aall square—and it could be roond aboot ‘11 bells 🔔’ by the time the game ends! (Hardly any time for fans to catch trains 🚂 or the last busses 🚍 yem! (11:30 🛎️ bells’ for me! 🚌 ) So!—many will be forced to leave before the end, IF that iz the case!—-OR! —End up stranded if they stay til the end!

A full Geordie Times match report on both games will appear here in due course—-Az per usual, “Watch this space!”

BARCA AWAY TICKETS ON SALE TODAY!

 Posted '11:00 am bells' Friday 6th March 2026

THE AWAY SECTION AT CAMP NOU WITH ATHLETICO MADRID FANS IN A GLASS CAGE PEN!*** 

THIS IZ WHERE NUFC FANS WILL BE HOUSED ON THE 3RD TIER

2,215 tickets for wor away game at Camp Nou in Barcelona gan on sale in an hours time to Toon fans with 160 loyalty points (fans who have been to 160 away games) The seat choice starts at high noon bells 🔔’ and there iz a 2 hour window to buy tickets before they gan on sale to fans with 109 loyalty points at ‘2:00 pm bells 🔔’

But be warned!--- tickets for the front rows of seats on the 3rd level of the Camp Nou, have very high glass partitioned screens at the front of the away section, to make viewing the match harder ---Especially if the glass isnt very clean! (See top photos)

The reconstruction of Barcelona’s stadium iz currently 45,000 capacity at the moment and they are hopin to increase the capacity to ower 60,000 by the time NUFC play there in 12 days time! 

If that’s the case then we could be entitled to more tickets under the 5% away allocation rules for Champions Leegue games!

We watched Barcelona’s Spanish Cup game orlier this week v Atletico Madrid on the ‘dodgy stick’ channel ☠️ and the 4th tier of the stadium iz still under construction az iz the whole section behind the left hand goal from the telly cameras and the bottom section of the right hand goal az well iz empty!

The final capacity will be a mind boggling 105,000 when it’s finally completed! (Double the capacity of SJP!)

Pix of the stadium in its present state ⬇️

"THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE THERE, THERE EVERY FCUKIN WHERE,         EMPTY SEATS, EMPTY SEATS!"

THE PLAYERS TUNNEL IZ JUST LIKE CLIMBIN THE MILBURN STAND STAIRS!⬇️

THE TOON 2 THE GREAT SATANS 1 **** PREMYA LEEGUE 2025-2026

 Posted just after ‘high noon 🕛 bells 🔔’ onwards, Thorzday 5th March 2026

“THERE’S ONLY ‘ONE’ UNITED!”⬆️

Where there's a 'Will', there's a way!

(Enjoy the Brazilian commentary!)

Not anly did we have to play with 10 men after the ridiculous sendin off of Jacob Ramsey in injury time in the forst half, but 2 of the 3 officials dillibrit misstayks made it 10 v 13!

NUFC were the much better side az we attacked the Leazes goal in the forst period!---Loads of bad decisions and timekeepin denied us the lead at the break---and we were doon to 10 men az well!

The main taakin point of the half woz the sendin off of Jacob Ramsey, who had aalready been booked!  The ref Bankes said he had dived in the box, when, in fact he had tripped and fell and the red card woz produced to wor number 41, az the crowd raged with fury!🥶

Just after the sendin off, Anthony Gordon woz hacked doon in the box by Fernandez and the ref had nee choice, but to award us a penalty! (This produced wild moanin from Fernandez and Maguire, but there woz nee way that it wasnt a pen!) They are well named 'Moan U' for certain!

Gordon took it after the lang 'moanin' delay and smashed the baall past Lammens  in the Mancs goal, to put us 1-0 up in the 6th minute of added time!

The 4th official had put 5 minutes up, but inexplicably the ref played on until the ninth minute of added time, when the linesman gave a foul to Moan U on the edge of the box, when Lewis Haall had cleanly won the baall! 

Fernandez took the kick and Casemiro heeded home to level the scores, to the fury of the crowd! (ie: How the hell did it gan to 4 extra minutes, ower the 5 indicated?)

The ref (of course) then blew for half time, to loud booing from the crowd az he and hiz cronies left the pitch! 

You would rightly have though that with one extra man that 'The Great Satans' (aka Red devils) would find a 2nd goal to win the game---but The Toon had other ideas az Aaron Ramsdale in wor goal, made several breathtakin saver to deny them!

The attendance woz then annoonced ower the loudspeakers: "Today's attendance is 52,184!" the annooncer said, to loud woooing from the away section! "You've seen United--now fcuk of home!", they said, tryin to take the p*ss! (The Theatre of Muppets of course, holds 22,000 more!)

And then the game clincher!---Will Osula replaced Anthony Gordon in the 85th minute and at that point, looked az though it would end in a 1-1 draw---BUT Osula woz havin none of it and bang on the 90th minute he jinked doon the right wing and cut in to send a fabulous banana shot past Lemmens in 'The Great Satans' goal, to lift the roof off the stadium!

At this point most of the 3,200 'Satans' started departin for trains to London (nee doubt) az The Toon fans got revenge for their earlier chants and sang, "You've seen United --now fcuk off home!" (Revenge iz sweet!)

5 minutes stoppage time went to 8 (az yid expect from the corrupt ref Bankes!) for Moan U to get their 2nd equaliser, but Ramsdale had other ideas and pulled off more great saves to deny them!---After frantic whistling from the crowd, the ref finally blew for full time az the roar of the crowd reached deafenin proportions!

The 10 men had triumphed az we beat 'The Great Satans' for the 4th time in a row at SJP, which brought to an end wor losin streak of 3 home games in a row in the Premyaa Leegue!

Yih just divvint naa wot to expect from NUFC---Crap one week---brilliant the next!

Attendance: 52,184 (3,200 Satans---but less than half that number by the end!)

*VERY HAPPY FANS HEED FOR THE NEAREST DRINKIN DENS FOR SOME CELEBRATORY LIQUID LUBRICATIONS!⬇️

When something comes back to haunt you!

Yih couldn’t make it up!😂👍

👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻

When Will Osula woz 11 years old he won the MU Soccer Schools World Skills final!

He haz now scored the winnin goal for NUFC against hiz former club!

👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻⬇️

THE TOON V THE MOAN U MUPPETS *** TOOMORROW NEEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 3rd March 2026

"THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL!" 🌀 

To win this game we need to hoy the form book oot the window, az Moan U are currently joint top of the tree with 5 wins oot of their last 6 games, while NUFC are 2nd bottom with 5 losses oot of the last 6!

The problem iz that wor players look shattered playin 2 games a week for the last 4 months!---And of course us fans are shattered az well, with aall the travellin we have had to dee in that time!

It doesn’t help that key player are oot injured, or that the likes of Waltemade, Elanga and Wissa who cost a combined total of £179 MILLION, have failed to produce the goods, with just ONE solitary goal this calendar year between them in the Premyaa Leegue! (Waltemade 1, Wissa 0 and Elanga 0)

NUFC have dropped alarmingly from 6th place at the beginning of January, when we beat Leedz 4-3 with 2 dramatic goals in stoppage time, to 13th az we write this article! NUFC have conceded a staggering 31 this year, so far, in aall competitions! 17 games) and scored 31 az well (9 against Qarabag)

That’s 62 goals, giving an average of  3.6 per game, for and against!

Qualifying for ANY European competition next season looks highly unlikely now, (unless we win the Champions Leegue or FA Cup) az wor season unravels!

It certainly doesn’t help that wor players were boood off at SJP for the 2nd time within a month, which makes the situation even harder of course! (ie: If this trend carries on, the players won’t want to play for us anymore!)

We at The Geordie Times have NEVER bood the team off, even in the dark days when we nearly got relegated to the 3rd Division! (Now Leegue One)

We need to get back on track and avoid a 4th Premyaa Leegue home defeat in a row!   NUFC have actually beaten Moan U 3times in a row at SJP and are lookin for a 4th win! —But which Toon team will torn oot toomorrow neet,  at the ridiculous ‘8:15 bells 🔔 kick off time, we ask???

Live telly—TNT 📺 

Anyway!—-A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Thorzday!— Let’s hope (and pray!) that it’s a good one! 🙏🏻 

 

THE TOON 2 THE TOFFEE NOSES 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2025-2026

 PPosted ‘high noon bells’ 🔔 Sunday 1st March 2026

 “WE’LL JUST HAVE TO WIN THE CHAMPIONS LEEGUE!” (sic!)

Another disjointed performance in wor 45th game of the season, meenz we have won just one oot of wor last 7 Prem games, and have lost 3 Premyaa Leegue games in a row at SJP!

Put it in simple terms, NUFC don’t have a proven striker to score wor goals and with 2 games a week for the last 4 months, wor thin squad looks absolutely knackered!

Evaatin’s away record iz much better than their home form at their new abode next to the Mersey river, where The Toon win 4-1 orlier this season!

Any hope of a Leegue double quickly evaporated when wor visitors took the lead in the 19th minute, from one of their set piece corners! (They’ve scored quite a few goals from corners!)

Garner’s corner heeded in by Branthwaite off the post at The Gallowgate End to give them a 1-0 lead!

Then, just 12 minutes later, we were level when a great Sandro Tonali pass, foond Jacob Ramsey and wor number 41 wellied the baall past Pigford ( hiz original name) who woz wrang footed from a deflection, to bring us back on level torns!

We were still celebrating that goal when, within 2 minutes, Evaatin were back in front, when a  McNeil shot woz parried away by The Pope in The Toon goal, when he should have caught it!

It fell nicely to Beto who couldn’t miss with the goal gaping! 2-1 to them at HT

We came oot in the 2nd half and before the game had restarted, Jacob Murphy ‘ hoyed up’ on the pitch and had to be replaced by Joe Willock!

Both Waltemade (£69 million) and Elanga (£55 million) were in terrible form and were substituted for Jacob Murphy and Harvey Barnes, just 10 minutes after the restart! (Yoane Wissa (£55 million) aalso came on in the 75th minute for Trippier, but woz inafective az well) Those 3 costly summer signings haven’t produced the goods, for certain! £179 MILLION!

(Waltemade haz scored 7 Premyaa Leegue goals, but just ONE in 2026!  Wissa, who replaced ‘Isak the 🐀’ az main striker, haz scored ONE Premyaa Leegue goal and Elanga haz scored NEE Premyaa Leegue goals!)😵‍💫

Just when it looked az though the 2-1 scoreline would win the game for The Toffee Noses, up stepped Jacob Murphy to hit a shot from 25 yards oot, which took a deflection off an Evaatin defender, to again wrang footed 🐷 Pigford (Name changed to Pickford by deed poll) to level the score again in the 82nd minute!

Again we were still celebrating Murphy’s goal, when Anthony Gordon dribbled roond himself and lost possession!

The baall ended up in wor box and a mad scramble foond 2 players and the BAALL in the back of wor net, within ONE MINUTE of wor equaliser!

To concede one goal straight after scorin iz terrible—but to concede TWO goals after scorin’ iz unforgivable! (Substitute Barry their scorer in the 83rd minute!)

Sandro Tonali aalmost foond an equaliser in stoppage time, but hiz piledriver shot woz somehow tipped onto the bar by their mackem keeper, to deny the Italian!

FT Lost 3-2

Again, the players were unforgivably boood off at the final whistle! Like the Brentfaad home game, where we aalso lost 3-2)

Something The Geordie Times haz never done!

We are SO FAR behind a Champions Leegue place, (12 points) that the anly way we will qualify for next season’s competition, iz if we win it this season!   An easy 2 legged tie v Barcelona next in the roond of 16! 😱

Attendance: 52,167 (3,000 happy Toffee Noses!)

*

THE TOON V THE TOFFEE NOSES *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 28th February 2026

ROSIE’S BAR *** IN THE SHADOWS OF SJP

"TOFFEES IN TOON!"

We play Evaatin in The Premyaa Leegue this afternooon at the unusual kick off time of '3:00 bells', az its not on live telly (for a change!)

Not sure just wot wor startin line up will be, but we hear that Bruno will be oot of contention for a few weeks, while the likes of Lewis Miley iz nearly ready for a retorn to the fray! (But not today)

Fab Schar and Tino Livramento will aalso be missin, but Malik Thiaw and Jacob Ramsey will be in contention for certain! (Thiaw retornin from a one match ban)

The Toon beat The Toffee Noses 4-1 at their brand new Dickheed Stadium orlier this season--and the same score would be very nice indeed---thank yoo very much!

A full Geordie Times match report on the game will appear here az per usual on Sunday---sometime! 

THE TIMES THEY ARE 'A' CHANGIN!

 Posted 7:00pm bells' 🔔 Friday 27th February 2026

"FROM GLANFORD PARK TO THE NOU CAMP!"

The draw for the knockoot stage of The Champions Leegue took place this mornin', pairin NUFC with Barcelona ---again!----This meeenz that we will play the Catalan giants THREE times this season, havin aalready played them in the group stage---losin 2-1 at SJP

Who would have thought that in the dark days when 'The Fat Controller' (Ashley) woz wor disastrous owner?

In those days in The Championship we played the likes of  Scunthorpe United, who actually beat us 2-1 at Glanford Park in the 2009-2010 season in front of a record attendance of 8,921!

('Scunny' now reside in The National Leegue, playin the likes of  ‘The Gatesheed Heedbangers!') 

This will actually be the THIRD time we have played Barca at their famous home, havin played their in 1997 and 2003!

Dates and times comfirmed!⬇️

"BRING IT ON!"

CHAMPIONS LEEGUE ROOND OF 16 DRAW

 Posted from ‘10:30am bells 🔔’ onwards, Friday 27th February 2026: Updated az draw iz made for aall roonds to the final!

BARCELONA in roond of 16

ATLETICO MADRID OR SPORZ in qwaataa finals

BODO GLIMT, SPORTING LISBON, BAYER LEVERKUSEN OR THE ARSE in semi finals

PSG, CHELSEEE, GALATASARAY, THE LIVERBIRDS, REAL MADRID, MAN CITIH OR ATALANTA IN THE FINAL IN BUDAPEST!

POSTED EARLIER ⬇️

The draw for the last 16 in the Champions Leegue iz due to take place from 11:00am bells 🔔 this mornin!

NUFC can anly draw eethaa Chelseee or Barcelona at this stage, with the 1st leg at SJP! And the 2nd leg away (Dates and times confirmed!)⬇️

Prices up £4 from Qarabag home game!😵‍💫£69 adults*** 👴🏻£44 old tw*ts*****£39 sprogs!👶 ***ie: Daddy and 2 bairns £147 minimum!😱

IZ THIS THE NEW HOME SHIRT FOR 2026-2027?

 Posted ‘high noon 🕛 bells’ 🔔 Thorzday 26th February 2026

NUFC HOME SHIRT 2026-2027?⬆️

SPOT THE SIMILARITY?

JUVENTUS HOME SHIRT THIS SEASON⬇️

'The Geordie Times' woz watching the Juventus v Galatasaray Champions Leegue game on the ‘dodgy ☠️ stick’ and we couldn’t help notice Juve’s black n white striped shirts with different width stripes!

We hear👂that NUFC are rumoured to be deein the same, az both clubs have Adidas az their strip manufacturers!

It’s lookin more and more likely that the above design WILL be wor new home shirt for season 2026-2027

From a personal point of view, I wish they wouldn’t mess aboot with wor stripes, but of course us fans have got nee say in wor strips design!  We’ll be caalled ‘The Barcodes’ again nee doubt, IF this iz genuine!? ⬇️

Remember!— you read this excluuusive ‘non news’ forst in 'The Geordie Times!'