ANOTHER FINE MESS!

Posted '12:37pm bells' Thorsday 2nd April 2020

News that aall NUFCs scouting network and academy employeez have been put on this 'furlong' thing, or whatever its caalled?, where the government pays 80% of their wages and NUFC pays them 'eF' aall!

The players meanwhile will continue to be paid their huge wages by the club in full, as the pandemic worsens! (Nearly 1 million infected worldwide, so far!)

Wot the papers say!

That's one of the top 30 richest clubs in the world, owned by a billionaire, gannin 'cap in hand' and asking the government to pay their lowest paid employees the pittance they earn! (ie: the minimum wage in most cases!) "It embarrassing!"

And this in the same week az NUFC have taken money from season ticket holders for NEXT season, despite not having a clue when it will start--or indeed, just when THIS season will finish!

Wor MD known az 'Penfold' to Toon fans for his remakable likeness to the cartoon character in 'Danger Mouse', has been put in charge of transfor business for the foreseeable future---A man who used to be 'stamp licker' and 'office boy' to former MD Russell Cushing! (Unbelievable!)

Let's hope this latest takeover saga iz true this time and that we finally get rid of 'The Fat Controller' once and for aall!

           🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏!

FLASHBACK 48 YEARS AGO TODAY!---"APRIL FOOL!---THE JUDGE IZ A GEORDIE!"

Posted 'high noon bells' April Fools Day 2020

BRAMALL LANE IN 1972

On 'April Fools Day' 48 years ago, NUFC visited Bramall Lane in 'The Battle Of Sheffield 1972'
And a report from that day, which starred Toon fan 'Daft Tommy', iz reprinted below in the Geordie Times archive! (ground number 022)

022 bramall lane sheffield

(GROUND NUMBER 22)
Date of First Visit: APRIL FOOLS DAY! 1972
BRAMALL LANE, SHEFFIELD

SHEFFIELD UNITED 1
NEWCASTLE UNITED 0

(OLD) DIVISION ONE
ATTENDANCE: 28,103 (4,000 Toon fans)





Part One:
"APRIL FOOL!---THE JUDGE IS A GEORDIE!"

The forst thing that springs to mind aboot this place, is!---- 'The Crystal Rooms', which was (and probably still is) a 'One Armed Bandit' arcade in the centre of Sheffield, as this is where the Toon and the Sheff. 'U' radgies had massive fights in 1972, before and after the match!

Hundreds had travelled doon on the train and many of the 'Leazes End Boot Boys' had simply 'come for a fight', dressed in their 'Prince of Wales' suits, slack braces and the obligatory 'Doc Marten Boots' ---and they were'nt to be disappointed!




As soon as they got off the train they made for the main drinkin' area and marched doon the middle of the road shoutin', "Your' gonna get your' f*****' heads kicked in!" as they made for where they knew the Sheffield 'crew' would be.---and sure enough, they were!---and ready for a 'go' as well!



Before lang runnin' battles doon the streets between the rival fans ensued with innocent shoppers gettin' caught up in the middle as bottles, bricks and plant pots nicked from a gardenin' shop were hurled (still with the plants inside!) as fans fought each other.




'The Sheffield Dibble' torned up with several 'meat wagons' and 'The Flyin' Squad' collered anybody who looked remotely like a skinheed. (not me, aa hasten to add!—as mee hair was doon mee back at that time!---'Led Zeppelin style'!)


Dustbins and litter bins were hoyed through the plate glass windows by the Newcastle 'nutters', and there were runnin' battles through the streets!




This sent the fans of both sides scatterin' and after a few 'Arthur Scargills' in a sleazy dive we foond, it was time to gan to Bramall Lane. The Toon fans had infiltrated the 'Shoreham End', which was the Sheffield skinheed's 'hard end' at the time, and sporadic fightin' broke oot between the rival fans.


Some of the more sensible Toon fans (alas---not me!) who'd went in the opposite end, were gettin' slagged off by the 'Shoreham Invaders' for 'chickenin' oot' of the 'pagger'.
Aa of course, went with the 'radgie gadgies', (like a lamb to the slaughter!) (bravado---or what?) and stood at the back of the stand with mee black 'n' white scarf on, thinkin' that aat any minute aa would get mee 'heed caved in' as it soon became obvious that we were ootnumbered by wor Sheffield counterparts by aboot fower tih one!




And before lang it 'kicked off'---NOT! the match you understand!, but the fightin' as the 'brave' ootnumbered 'Leazes Enders' charged into the middle of the Shoreham End! (they did have their 'reputations' to think aboot!) led by 'one' 'Doddsy' in his 'trademark' white 'butchers coat' complete with a huge Doc Marten boot crudely drawn in felt tip pen on the back, with: 'LEAZES END BOOT BOYS', written above it! (he has been mentioned before!)

Loads of Toon and 'Blades' fans got 'lifted' by the Yorkshire 'Dibbles', so aa kept mee heed doon, as ah did'nt fancy bed 'n' breakfast in the 'Dibble Savoy'! (or worse still!—'The Sheffield Royal Infirmary'!)




As the 'propa' match kicked off, there was still 'beadlem' in front of iz, and it was hard to concentrate on the action on the field, instead of the 'action' on the terraces!.

Bramall Lane was a three sided groond back then, with a cricket pitch on the far side, and this totally killed the atmosphere. (Just how the fans on that side could see, withoot a pair of binoculars---is beyond me!)

The Toon were by far the better team that day, with John Tudor and 'Supermac' gannin close on several occasions.

Tony Green and Tommy Gibb had blinders,---BUT!,---it was tih nee avail, and Sheffield took the points with just fower minutes tih gan, when Ford (who'd just came on as a late sub) beat Toon keeper Willie McFaul, with his forst touch off the baall! (which was aalso 'The Blades' forst shot of the game!)





Newcastle manager, 'Smokin' Joe Harvey, (who could'nt believe that wi'd lost!) summed it up after the match, when he said:

"IT'S NOT APRIL FOOLS DAY?---IS IT"???"WELL!----ACTUALLY!!-----JOE!!!"












Part Two:-----(A few weeks later!)




♫OH!-MEE LADS-YIH SHOULD'IV SEEN US GANNIN!♫

scene from The Blaydon Races 1862

One Toon fan who'd been arrested after the match at 'The Crystal Rooms', was a lad caalled 'Daft Tommy', who's, name implies—IS!----as 'Daft as a Brush'!, but tih be honest would'nt (and could'nt) harm a fly or punch hiz way oot of a paper bag!.

Tommy had been caught up in 'The battle of Sheffield' after the match and was nicked and charged with bein' 'drunk and dizzy', which is an offence that yih can plead guilty tee, by letter.






Quite a few had been charged with more serious offences like GBH and affray and HAD to appear personally in court. So!---on the day of the court cases a few weeks after the match, the train was 'chocker' with fans travellin' doon tih Sheffield on charges of affray and 'god naa's what'!.

Then---aall of a sudden, 'Daft Tommy' appeared and jumped on the train. The other Toon fans just stared at him, coz they could'nt work oot what he was deein there!?.






"A THOUGHT YIH WERE PLEADIN' GUILTY BY LETTER, TOMMY?", one fan asked him, with a puzzled look on his face!.

"I AM!", said Tommy, "A'V GOT THE LETTER IN MEE POCKET!!!", he said az he pulled the 'said' letter from hiz 'nanny goat'!

("There's nee answer tih that one!??-------
IS THERE"!???)



"
On their arrival in Sheffield, they heeded straight for the court hoose, where one joker said:
"THE JUDGE IS A GEORDIE, TOMMY!---IF YIH SING THE 'BLAYDON RACES' TO HIM WHEN YIH GAN IN THE DOCK, HE'LL LET YIH OFF!".

SO!---'Daft Tommy' gave the judge a rendition of the 'Geordie National Anthem'-----------
AND GOT FINED 300 quid! FOR CONTEMPT OF COURT!!! (A considerable sum in 1972!)

(There's DEFINITELY! nee answer tih THAT ONE!?????)





Footnote:
Tommy's 'claim tih fame', is that he used tih stand on one of the concrete crash barriers in the middle of the aad 'Gallowgate End', and give the crowd a rendition of the early 'sixties classic', 'LITTLE WHITE BULL!'

Geordie Glossary of Terms & Phrases (for the benefit of 'non Geordie' readers)
(as the words appear)

Toon fans=Newcastle supporters
forst=first
aboot=about
one armed bandit=gambling fruit machine
radgies=hooligans
doon=down
Leazes End Boot Boys=Newcastle hooligans
crew=hooligans
lang=long
the Sheffield dibble=the Sheffield police force
meat wagon=prison van
the flyin' squad=Sheffield police 'snatch squad'
collared=arrested
skinheed=skinhead
mee=my
hoyed=thrown
nutters=idiots
one-nowt=one-nil
Arthur Scargills=gargels=beers!
sleavy dive=run down pub
foond=found
gan=go
hard end=hooligans terrace
oot=out
pagger=fight
radgie gadgies=hooligan fans
heed caved in=head butted/punched
wor=our
tih=to
lang=long
lifted=arrested
Yorkshire dibbles=Yorkshire police force
dibble savoy=police cells
propa=proper
iz=me
groond=ground
withoot=without
gannin'=going
nee=no
fower=four
aalso=also
wi'd=we had
yih=you
should'iv=should have
caalled=called
drunk and dizzy=drunk and disorderly
tee=to
GBH=grevious bodily harm
chocker=full
doon=down
aall=all
coz=because
oot=out
deein'=doing
a'v=I have
nanny goat=coat
heeded=headed
court hoose=magestates court
yih=you
gan=go
aad=old

HOTEL QUARANTINE PLAN FOR PLAYERS PLANNED!

Posted '5:30pm bells' Tuesday 31st March 2020

  A MEMBER OF THE FA ISSUES A STARK WARNING!

"STAY HOME!"---"AND WATCH IT ON THE TELLY!"
"DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!"---"WE NEED THE MONEY!"

Desperate measures have been mooted by The Premyaa Leegue, az they have a daft plan to put players in strict quarantine for a month, away from their families---and condense the remainin games into a 4 week period, from the beginning to the end of Joon! (The UEFA deadline for completin' games for this season!)
The players would spend their time between trainin' groonds, stadiums and hotels and cram 3 games in a week to avoid contractual and legal complications!

It's said that AALL the 92 games left to be played, could be played in London and Bormingham BEHIND CLOSED DOORS at 3 venues and that fans could stay at home and watch it on the f*****' telly! (NO WAY!---If it's safe for players to play then it should be safe for fans to watch games LIVE!------I am SICK of bein' stuck in the hoose aalready---just like the rest of yooz!) Eethaa play games with fans present, or don't play at aall til it's safe to do so! 

It's a crazy idea and would need the co-operation of AALL players to get the games on!---But hang on just a minute!----players are human beings just like the rest of us and several, for example, have tested 'positive' for the virus at West Ham (8 aa 'fink'?) and some at Lestaa----so how could they play?

Personally, mee 'finx' that if the games ARE behind closed doors, then the whole thing will be farcical with teams forced to play 3 games every 5 days!---and aall in a desperate bid NOT to loose the lucrative telly money, az the death toll in the UK in the last day alone iz nearly 400!
Yet The FA have told lower non leegue clubs that THEIR seasons work will be declared null and void! (One rule for the rich---and one for the poor!)

We were told on Friday that this could gan on for SIX months--or langer!----Surely the players health should be the number one priority?---('social distancing' and aall that!)----but MEGA MONEY talks---Just ask wor 'beloved'? owner 'The Fat Controller', who iz takin' season ticket money from Toon fans for NEXT season aalready, while othaas like Man U, Brightin and Lestaa are to defer payments for fans who have lost their jobs durin' this difficult time!

We await with baited breath az to just wot will happen next!???

6 MONTHS OF HELL AWAITS!

Posted '12:57pm bells' Munday 30th March 2020

"NO PUBS!---NO FOOTBALL!

---NO PROMOTION!---NO RELEGATION!"

News delivered by a chief medical officer yesterday that the coronavirus crisis lockdoon could gan on for up to SIX MONTHS iz horrendous news for aall of us! (or iz it?)


This surely means that The Premyaa Leegue and aall the leegues below this will HAVE to be declared null and void, sooner, rather than later! (UEFA have said that AALL leegues should be ended by June 30th)

But every cloud DOES have a silver lining, as it will mean that NUFC will definitely still be in The Premyaa Leegue next season and that the SMBs will still be in the old 3rd Division for the 3rd season runnin'! ☁🤪

ONE MAN AND HIZ DOG(S) WENT TO 'A' BEER GARDEN! (Part 2)

Posted '12:55pm bells' Sunday 29th March 2020

2: The Crows Nest beer garden, Haymarket, Newcasil

I went to The Toon yesterday afternoon for some 'food' shoppin and daily exercise with mee little dog and woz shocked to see the city centre completleee dead on a Saturday!
Normally this iz the busiest day of the week for shoppers and revellers heedin for the 100's of pubs and clubs---and of course the 52,000 futbaall fans heedin for 'The Cathedral on the Hill' for their Saturday 'fix'!

"FOOD!-FOOD!-GLORIOUS FOOD!"
("ER!--AALSO BOUGHT VEG 
AND READY MEALS!")

With nowt open apart from 'Marks and Sparks' the street were deserted and so after purchasin' mee daily 'fix' of Broon Ale and othaa 'food', aa heeded for the beer garden of 'The Percy Arms', but they had stacked the tables and chairs on top of each othaa, with nee where to sit! 

So off aa heeded for 'The Trent Hoose' instead, but again they had moved an ootside table, so aa had nee where to put mee 'DOG' (DOG iz Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale!) 

In desperation aa heeded for 'The Crows Nest' beer garden---and hey presto---aall the seats and tables were in place! 

"HELP!---MEE DOG'S DRINKIN' MEE 'DOG'!" 

So aa settled doon with mee 2 'DOGS' in perfect peace and tranquillity to 'doon' (drink) the broon nectar!-----Social distancin' for sure!

The Toon on a Saturday afternoon!  
The perfect place for 'social distancin'!

"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE?"

NEWGATE STREET!---DESERTED!

THE GATE!---DESERTED!

'THE CENTRAL'! (STATION)---DESERTED!

THE BIGG MARKET!---DESERTED!

("WOT!---ON A SATURDAY?")

NEAR ST. JAMES' PARK!---DESERTED!

PS: I am not oot today az there are small hailstones hittin' mee windows az we speak and its freezing ootside, so aa wont be deein any new beer gardens for a couple of days!
Aalso, Boris iz set to implement new lockdoon rules and I fear that aall of us wont be able to gan very far from home---even for 'food' shoppin'!
Hope aall 'Geordie Times' reeders are keepin well and are not bored oot of their sculls, stuck in the hoose, but the crisis iz said to get worse!
Aalso, the north east bus service iz close to collapse with 90% less usage since the lockdoon!
This woz the bus aa woz on yesterday to the Toon!

"KEEP AHOLD AND STAY SAFE!" 

FAT CONTROLLER FAALL-OOT!

Posted '7:22pm bells' Saturday 28th March 2020

Az NUFC have taken direct debits from fans for NEXT season, with 5 Premyaa Leegue home games still to play for THIS season, Man U promise to dee the opposite for their fans!

We leave yoo lang suffering Toon fans, to draw your own conclusions!

ONE MAN AND HIZ DOG(S) WENT TO 'A' BEER GARDEN! (Part 1)

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 28th March 2020

1: The Quayside beer garden, Newcasil Quayside

Because we can't gan to pubs for the foreseeable future, I have decided to combine mee daily exercise with a trip to pub beer gardens instead!
I will buy broon ale at an off licence and drink it at an excesable beer garden, to stop me gannin completleee mad!

I have never been one for drinkin in the hoose, so the next best thing is to try and find a beer garden instead! (It's sad--isn't it!)

Yesterday I walked to the quayside, (keepin  a social distance from othaa people of course!), for mee daily exercise! (4,920 steps from wor hoose --accordin to £2 pedometer aa bought last week for this purpose) 

There, a bottle of  'DOG' woz consumed in The Quayside beer garden near The Swing Bridge ('DOG' iz Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale)---az mee othaa 'dog' looked on!

Ower the next few days, and with mee faithful companion, I intend to find anothaa beer garden somewhere in The Toon, to drink mee 'dog'!---and to keep me sane, with nee futbaall to watch! (Or work to gan tee, az av been 'layed off' because of the crisis!)

AZ per usual and for more complete 'madness' "watch this space!" 

PS: At this time aa shudiv been heedin for Liverpoool on a train to watch Dunston play The City of Liverpoool in a North West Coonties fixture az The Toon had nee game coz of the International break!

Of course even non leegue games are off az well, so aa had to claim mee £47 train fare back last week!---It just gets worse!

PPS: I know the situation is serious and I am keepin well away from othaa people on mee daily exercise and 'food' shopping trips! (Broon ale top of the list!)

THE WHEEL OF FORTUN(ATE!)

Posted '2:05pm bells' Friday 27th March 2020

"SPIN THE KEY TO SEE WOT YOO WILL DEE!"

Well it's finally happened!
I have been told that my night shift truck run to Redditch from Team Valley, Gatesheed will stop immediately and I will be in lockdown like everybody else!
The main reason iz that customers have cancelled orders and I hardly brought any carpets and flooring up last neet from Worcestershire!

However!---With nee futbaall or pubs to gan tee, a mate caalled Russ (aalso known az 'International RUSScue') haz devised a cunning plan to keep us aall occupied and stop us gannin completleee mad!!

I have copied hiz 'blueprint' and drawn a circle on a piece of card with a pin in the middle and a hoose key hangin from the pin and divided the card into sections!
30% for housework, 30% for exercise, 30% for book reading  and 10% for a 'beer break'!-- and hung out on my kitchen waall.

I spun the key this mornin and amazingly it fell into the 'beer' section!
I will spin it every day and I promise to 'dee' whichever section the key points to!

Why dont yoo try it for yourself and see wot happens!
"BEST LUCK!"

CORONA CRISIS----SO WHY ARE TRUNK ROADS SHUT?

Posted '1:08pm bells' Thorsday 26th March 2020

Aa did mee normal 440 mile 'night truck run' to Redditch in Worcestershire and back to Team Valley (Gatesheed) last neet (to pick carpets and floorin' up) and the roads were dead quiet, with aboot a qwaataa of the normal traffic on the motorways and trunk roads.

The one thing that annoyed me woz the fact that BOTH the A1M in Coonty Durham northbound and the A19 near Smogland on Tees northbound, were closed owerneet for roadworks!  
These are 2 parallel roads that run north and the fact that the highways agency had closed BOTH of them at the same time, in this time of crisis, had mee dumb
-struck!

Most of the traffic on the roads were of supermarket food lorries and trucks carryin' urgent medical supplies to hospitals etc!

To slow them doon (and me!) by shuttin' major roads iz CRIMINAL at this time of crisis and the Highways Agency should be ashamed of themsels!
If roads need to be shut for repairs, then why (oh why!) can't they shut them on alternative nights, so that the trucks can get through, one way or the other?

You don't need to be the 'Brain of Britain' to work this one oot!