Tuesday 31 May 2011


Posted '1:00 pm bells' Tuesday 31st May 2011

We are to be reunited with 'Cedric the Swan' the ridiculous mascot of Swansea City followin' their promotion to the Premier League, after they beat Reading 4-2 in a thrillin'  play off final at Wembley yesterday.

Wor one and anly previous meetin' with 'Cedric' was on an ill fated car journey to sooth Wales with 'Sarnie Steve' fifteen months ago when wor car broke doon at Cardiff sorvices, as we were on wor way to the Championship match at The Liberty Stadium---It's a lang! lang! story!
('The Geordie Times' makes no apology for printin' a 'BBC style repeat' of this archive match report once again!)
(see below!)

Sunday 29 May 2011


Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 29th May 2011

On this day 42 years ago 'The Toon' won the forst leg of the Inter Cities Fairs Cup Final, beatin' Ujpest Dozsa 3-0 @ St James' 
I was one of the 59,234 crowd and was 'shoehorned' into The Leazes End that neet

Bobby Moncur scored two and Jimmy Scott got the otha one. ("AAAHHH!---MEMOREEZZ!")

Bobby Moncur (oot of picture) scores @ The Gallowgate End---note the 50 or so fans standin' & sittin' on the roof & chimney pots of Leazes Terrace in the backgroond!

Friday 27 May 2011


Posted '5:10 pm bells' Friday 27th May 2011

Sadly!--- the corner singin' section in  'Level 7' of  'The Leazes End' have been telt by NUFC that there's "no room at the inn!" in their bid to relocate to 'Level 4' after bein' 'hoyed oot' of their lofty perch to make way for an extended family enclosure.

Me thinx that this might have sommik to de with the fact that 'some of them' slagged off  'The Fat Controller' and he iz simply gettin' his own back!---
("It  IZ!  HIZ!  train set yih naa!")

Az promised, a'v done a 'match report' from the 'Northern Alliance' game @ Wark in Northumberland last Saturday.
Normally aa anly de new groonds where 'The Toon' have played but there are exceptions to the rule and Wark IZ on 'the banks o' The Tyne' (aalbeit 'The North Tyne'!) (scroll doon to see a 'detailed match report'!?)

wark recreation c s ground

Date of First Visit: 21st May 2011


ATTENDANCE 25 (plus 100 sheep & lambs in the suroondin' fields!)


As we had yet another blank Saturday to fill in (coz The Toon wernt due to play West Brom til the followin' day) added to the fact that mee normal 'fix' @ Dunston for a Northern League game was 'a non starter' due to the fact that that league had finished for the summer, it meant that if aa wanted to see a game it would have to be forther doon the 'pyramid' in 'The Northern Alliance' as their league was still gannin strong. ('level eleven' in 'the pyramid system')

'A 'Wark' on the wild side' to the picturesque village of Wark, 10 miles north of Hexham in the heart of 'Hadrians Waall country' was the chosen venue and aa heeded off with 'The Caped Crusader' and 'The Mad Professor' to see the delights of deepest Northumberland where Wark were playin' 'god naaz who'? in a league game.

We arrived and parked the jam jar in the centre of the village and made a 'bee-line' for the forst of the villages three pubs which was called 'The Battlesteads' where the forst 'liquid lubrications' of the day went doon a treat!
Wor 'john 'o' groats' were still parched as we 'hit' boozzer number two which was caalled 'The Grey Bull' and was (literally!) reet next to the 'Black Bull'?


On mentionin this to the one and anly local in the bar, he telt us that at one time there was just one big pub owned by a family, but they fell oot and split the pub in half to form two pubs and just for 'the hell of it', the disenfranchised family members gave the new pub a similar name to the one next door! (strange folks theeze country yokels!)

Anyway!----after a quick 'gargel' there, it was the 'lang trek' to the next 'Bull' (aboot ten paces from door to door!) where there were quite a few proppin' up the bar coonta.


As soon as we waalked through the door every-body stopped wot they were dein' and gave us one of those----'Who the f*** are yeez like'---looks, as we ordered the next roond!----It was then off to the groond which was a pleasant scenic waalk across the bridge ower the river 'North Tyne' for the '2;30 bells' kick off.

Nestlin' on the banks of the river with anly sheep and lambs as company in the surrondin' fields, the ground was completely open with anly the overhang in front of changin' rooms roof givin' shelter from any inclement weather ----but it was FREE to get in!   (luckily for us it wasn't rainin'!)

It torned oot that the 'mystery away team' were in fact Seaton Delaval Amateurs who sported an aall red strip as they ran oot for the pre match kick aboot, with Wark wearin' aall blue

The Red DEVILALS (it had to be!) kicked off towards the reet hand goal from us and there was a basketball court and kiddies playground behind that goal.
There was a wild howlin' wind blowin' in from the Tyne and the hills beyond but the 100 or so sheep and lambs didn't seem bothered at aall as they grazed in the fields beyond. (plus--there were 25 spectators present includin' us 3!) ('The Mad Professor' coonted them!---"Er"!---the crowd not the sheep!))

'The Wildsiders' from Wark took the lead just before the break when their number 9 shot from a few yards oot at 'The Field of Sheep End' (whey!---wot else could yi caall it?)


AS the 2nd half was gettin' underway the local 'village idiot' made an appearance and procceded to climb ower the fence to get in for nowt!
But just ten yards from where he climbed ower there was a gap in the fence and he could have simply waalked in anyway! ----Divvint forget?----it was FREE! to get in!
(just in case yi think av made this up---SEE THE PHOTO aa took on mee mobile phone!)
               "We can see you sneakin' in!"

The Red Devilals came back into the game with two wind assisted goals at the mid point of the half with shots from their number 5 and number 9 who sported a 'Billy Bunter style' frame (it shud be noted that Wark's goalie wasn't exactly 'slimmer of the year' eetha!)
Wark equalised within 5 minutes at 'The Basketbaall End' through one of their fullbacks ("Er!"---there were ne progs or teamsheets so we didn't naa ANY of the players names!) But the away side clinched the game in injury time with a fine effort from their number 11 in front of the sheep and lambs (again---ne reaction from them!) to win this five goal thriller!

Full time: 'The Wildsiders' 2   'The Red Devilals' 3

And can aa just say that we aall had a great day oot (apart from nearly freezin' to death in the howlin' wind!) and I recommend it to anyone to have 'a 'Wark' on the wild side' for a Northern Alliance game if yi ever in this 'neck of the woods'!


Wednesday 25 May 2011


Posted '4:10 pm bells' Wednesday 25th May 2011
Believe it or not there are just 80 days! to gan before The Premier League starts agen on August 13th!
Normally, aa start gettin' withdrawal symtoms within a week of the season finishin', but a'm sure that the time will pass very quickly before aa pull aall mee hair oot!.
In the mean time a few pre season friendlies have been arranged to keep us 'occupied' til then (see below)

A 'sauce' close to the club haz telt 'The Geordie Times' that Joey Barton haz NOT been offered a new contract and that both Sol 'Moneybags' Campbell and Shefki Kuqi are 'on their bikes' az we speak!

Any transfer news from wor 'exclusive' club 
 'sauce' will be published forthwith for the benefit of Geordie exiles aroond the world (and beyond!)

Tuesday 24 May 2011


Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 24th May 2011

'The Toon' finished up as 3rd best supported club in England for this season with a total of 906,640 fans passin' through the tornstiles at St James' for league games.
The final Premier League average attendance figures are as follows:

1 Man U************75,109
2 The Arse**********60,025
3 THE TOON*******47,720
4 Man City*********45,905
5 Liverpool*********42,820
6 Chelsea***********41,435
7 SMB*************40,011
8 Villa*************37,180
9 Everton**********36,039
10 Spors***********35,704
11 WHU***********33,492
12 Wolves**********27,696
13 Stoke***********26,858
14 Brum***********25,452
15 Fulham*********25,043
16 Blackburn*******25,000
17 WBA***********24,883
18 Bolton**********22,870
19 Wigan**********16,812
20 Blackpool*******15,782

Monday 23 May 2011


Posted '10:10 am bells' Monday 23rd May

Blackpool's roller coaster--"-We wont be comin' here next season!"

A combination of Anger---Apathy and Alcohol meant that aa was incapable of writin' this post last neet! 

'Anger' because we hoyed a three goal lead away in the second half when we were 'cruisin' by mekin' 'needless' substitutions which 'unbalanced' the team. ("WHY!???")
It aall started off oh so well when Steven Taylor gave us the lead at The Leazes End with a close range shot just after the qwaata of an hour mark
Peter Lovencrands then doubled wor lead when West Brom goalie Scott Carson mishandled his shot 1n the 39th minute.

'Apathy' because we shud have known better to even dare think that we 'had won it' when West Brom defender Olsen put us three up with a brilliant own goal just after the restart at The Gallowgate End.
And then it aall went wrang! (of course!)---The Baggies pulled one back with thorty minutes to gan when Somen Tchoyl slid the baall past Tim Krul in the Newcastle goal.
He got his second ten minutes later when he hammered in a loose baall---and aall of a sudden the alarm bells started gannin' off!

And then in the 90th minute disaster struck when (yet again!)Tchoyl who was unmarked, heeded a cross in, to complete his hat-trick and wor misery!---That 'one' heeded goal sent us from ninth in the league back to twelth in a split second!

'Alcohol'  aa needed plenty of this stuff after watchin' that!---believe you me!---the roller coaster ride just gans on and on ('doonwards' this time!) (although aa winnit be on Blackpool's big dipper next season as of course they went doon with The Brummies and The Hammers!)

Attendance 51,678 (2,700 Baggies fans)

Saturday 21 May 2011


Posted '9:20 pm bells' Saturday 21st May 


Next up is the last game of the season against West Brom @ St James' tomorrow for a '4 bells' start.   Albion will have the backin' of 2,700 fans, most of whom are apparently comin' in fancy dress complete with cardboard 'Tony Bomber Brown' masks'----a former Baggies hero!

"AALTOGETHER NOW!"---"There's anly two thoosand seven hundred Bomber Brownzzzz!"-----"There's anly two thoosand seven hundred Bomber Brownzzzz!"----and they have dubbed it az 'Newcastle BROWN day'!
("Cheers!---Aa'll drink to that!")

We are currently in 12th position in the Premier League and if results gan wor way we could actually finish as high as 8th top!
If results divvint gan wor way however!---we could finish as low as 14th! but at least we cannit gan doon (nor Albion for that matter!)
so there shud be a canny atmosphere to see the 'unvailin' of wor 'not very well recieved' new home kit, which went on sale on Thorsday mornin'.
Some match tickets are still available and I predict a 50,000 plus crowd
(final match report of the season to follow!)


Posted '11 am bells' Saturday 21st May

As we have yet another blank Saturday to 'fill in' , (coz 'The Toon' divvint play West Brom 'til tomorrow afternoon!) added to the fact that mee  normal   'FIX'  @ Dunston for a Northern League game iz a 'non starter' az that league iz now finished for the summer, it meant that if aa wanted to see a game it would have to be forther doon the 'pyramid' in 'The Northern Alliance' az their league was still gannin' strong. (level eleven in the 'pyramid system')

'A 'Wark' on the wild side' to to picturesque village of Wark near Hexham was the chosen venue and so a'm off with 'The Caped Crusader' and 'The Mad Professor' this afternoon to see the delights of deepest Northumberland where Wark are playin' 'god naaz who' ??? @ '2:30 bells' in a league game. (Will post the score later to anybody? who iz interested????? (aall one of yoooo!) (Hope there's a *'liquid lubrication location' near by!?) (*a pub!)

Updated '6:40 pm bells' Saturday 21st May
Wark 2  v Seaton Delaval Amateurs 3
Yes indeed there was a pub or THREE! and we had a few 'liquids in 'The Battlesteads' before movin' on to 'The Grey Bull' and then 'The Black Bull' which were reet next door to each other!
To get to the groond we had to cross the brigde ower the North Tyne (see above) and  admission was FREE! 
There were more sheep and lambs in the suroondin' fields (100 or so!) than fans inside the groond (25!) as the game kicked off.

Wark were playin' Seaton Delaval and the away side won a five goal thriller by the odd goal played in a blustery wind----it was well worth the admission money alone!
(As there are ne more matches after tomorrow---and for the shear hell of it, a'm gannih de a 'proper' match report later on next week!) 

Monday 16 May 2011


Posted on my clapped oot laptop '10 am bells' Monday 16th May
(Mee 'expensive' computaa is still 'workin itsel'!)



The neet before the Chelsea game we heeded for St Kathrine's Dock near The Tower of London and after many 'liquid refreshments' we ended up in a 'Tudor style boozer' where wenches were servin' aall manner of food and drink to a weddin' party!

Aaall of a sudden a big fat ugly gadgie appeared at the top table dressed in Tudor costume and I recognised him straightaway as HENRY THE EIGHTH!
He's very much alive and 'kickin', believe you me!, so rumours that he died some 500 years ago (rough estimate!) are simply not true! (It's amazin' wot yih can see after two gallons of 'hootch'!)

After a 'big b*****ds brekky' to get rid of wor hangowers at 'Tower Hill Wetherspoons' it was off to Earls Court to meet the rest of the crew in 'The Blackbird' and to tell them aall aboot wor amazin' meetin' with 'Henry' the neet before! (I think? they believed me!???)
It was then onward to Stamford Bridge for the '1:30 bells' kick off for wot was now a meaningless game as Chelsea had forsaken their title to 'The Cockney Reds' the day before!

A dramatic heeded equaliser by Steven Taylor deep into stoppage time salvaged a point for the jubulant 'Toon Army' who had paid FIFTY QUID for the 'privalege' of standin' in the corner of  'The Shed'.

The game didn't start off well though, as Chelsea were 'one up' afta just 2 minutes when a 'corner that wasn't' was given which resulted in the home side tekin the lead (I was directly above the goaline in the away corner and I can tell yiz catorgoricalleee that the baall didn't gan oot for a corner)
Justice was done however 8 minutes later when a Ryan Taylor free kick deflected off 'Spiderman' and went directly into the Chelsea net past the stranded goalie 'Cech'

The Blues retook the lead with just 7 miutes remainin' when Krul in the Newcastle goal failed to reach a cross from a free kick and Alex nodded in from close ramge and it looked 'curtains' for us!

That's until Steven Taylor 'used hiz heed' for that dramatic leveller!

Footnote: Sammy Ameobi came on as one of wor subs in the 2nd half to join his 'bruvver' 'Shola' on the pitch. This iz the forst time a'v EVER seen 'bruvvers' play together for us in a forst team league game.
(The last one's to do so were 'The Robledo bruvvers' in the orly 1950's--lang before aa was thought of!)
Attendance: 41,739 (1,500 happy Toon fans!) 

Saturday 14 May 2011


Posted '11 am bells' Saturday 14th May
My computa haz went haywire in the last few days and some updates have been wiped off!

Hopefully it will be back to normal when aa get back from Chelsea tomorrow (watch this space!)

One of the reports that was 'wiped off' on Thorsday was wor 4-0 defeat of Blyth Spatans by the Newcastle resorve team in The Northumberland Senior Cup final.
Wor goals were scored by Richardson (17 min), Tavernier (31) and two from Phil Airey in the 36th and 78th minute to win the 'coverted silverware'?
Attendancc: 2,307 (500-600 Spartans) (6 of whom got 'hoyed oot'!)

Wednesday 11 May 2011


Posted '9:45 am bells' Wednesday 11th May

Toneent the resorves tek on The Spartans of Blyth in the final of The Northum-berland Senior Cup @ St James' @ '7 bells' for the 'prestgious silverware'?
Admission iz a fiver for gadgies and gals and two quid for bairns and zimmerframeites (use East Stand tornstiles)

Updated '3:00 pm bells'
I'm off to The Toon now for mee pre match 'gargels' in 'The Monkey Bar', 'The Hotspur' & 'The Newastle Arms' before heedin' for the groond (match report to follow later)

Monday 9 May 2011


Posted 'high noon bells' on my 'clapped oot' lap top Monday 9th May
Skonto Stadium, Riga, Latvia (Venspils v The Toon 2006)

A ground-hopper is some-body who gets their 'fix' by visitin' new futbaall groonds.

There are two breeds of groundhoppers


The one's who 'collect' groonds and who WONT EVER gan back to a one they've visited previously and they will watch ANY team play as lang as it's on a new groond. (some have been to thoosands!)
They coont how many corners, free kicks and throw ins are given and log them in their stats books!

One particuarly sad case was an 'Anorak' from Watford who went to a non league cup tie in Yorkshire with his mates in a car.
He was an avid programme collector and when he got there he foond oot to his horror that there were ne programmes and he REFUSED point blank to gan in! 
He sat in the car til the game had finished, waitin' for his mates, who HAD went in! 
It went to extra time and penalties so he had to 'sit it oot' for a VERY LANG TIME!


They follow their chosen club and visit the same groonds season after season with the 'bonus' of visitin' a new groond every now and again in Europe or cup ties (etc.) against lower opposition and (in wor case!) followin' the resorve and junior teams as well, to new obscure venues (SEE BELOW!) 

279 shirecliffe academy sheffield united

Date of First Visit: 4th MAY 2011

NEWCASTLE UNITED U18's 1 (McGorrigan)

PREMIER ACADEMY LEAGUE (NORTH)Fink 'Official'Attendance: 33 (includin' 'us' and at least 2 uthaa Toon fans!)(aye!---aa counted them!)


An unexpected new ground was 'in the offin' in this dinnertime kick off, as Newcastle Juniors were playin' away to Sheffield United Juniors in an Academy game. This was because work was a 'bit slack' and aa was waitin' for a phone caall to see if they needed me?

They didn't!---SO!---(az yi de!) it was off to sooth Yorkshire with 'The Caped Crusader' who was gannin' anyway, for the '12:30 bells' start @ Shirecliffe, to 'clock up' groond 279  (TCC has been to more!)

We got there withoot gettin' lost for a change!  (see groonds 277 & 278!)  and so we had a bit time to spare, but unfortunately there were ne 'waaterin' holes' near the groond, so aa had to settle for a cup of coffee instead and a 'big brekkie sarnie' (bacon,sausage & tomato in a bun!) in the Sheffield academy canteen, as aa was 'Hank Marvin' by this time!

We got to the pitch which was a short walk from the academy canteen, but it was taped off and we had to watch from a bad vantage point which was 20 yards from the nearest corner flag next to the changin' rooms?

We took the lead with barely 90 seconds on the clock when a Ben Sayers pass was intercepted by Ryan McGorrigan who fired home. As the game had kick off at precisely '12:28 bells' (2 minutes orly?)  we actually scored before the game started! (if yi see warra meeen!?)

The home side replied just before the break with a crackin' shot from their 'number 8' (there were ne team sheets on offer---so we didn't naa his name??)
Sheff U were the stronger team in the 2nd period, but they couldn't tek advantage due to two splendid saves from Jak Alnwick in 'The Toon' goal and a 'quality Streete' heeder off the goal line by 'Remi' (Streete!) and the game ended 'one's a piece'

Footnote: for the record aa later foond oot that 'The Blades' number 8 was caalled Elliott Whitehouse

©Fink™ (the mad-sad grJundhJpper!)

Saturday 7 May 2011


Posted '6 am bells' Sunday 8th May

Forst of aall, apologies for not updatin' in the last few days. This iz because I got multiple viruses when I doonloaded a picture and the computaa crashed!

Hopefully it will be fully fixed by next week and at the moment a'm usin' a laptop to write this

Today we played Bormingham @ St James' with a '3 bells' start and the 3 points picked up in the 2-1 win have finally banished any lingerin' fears of endin' up in 'the abyss

Goals from Shola Ameobi (pen) and Steven Taylor were enough against 10 man Brum who had Liam Rigewell sent off for hand baall on the goal line which gave us the penalty.
It was a cr** game but the welcome points means that Premier League futbaall will still be played @ St James' next season

Attendance 47,409 (less than1,000 Brum fans)

Aalso can aa say "best of luck"  today to Whitley Bay who are playin' @ Wembley in the FA vase final

Posted @ '10 pm bells'
(They did win it!----3-2 against Coalville to lift the cup for the thord year runnin'!) Congratulations to 'The Seahorses'! 

Monday 2 May 2011


Posted '4:40 pm bells' Monday 2nd May

King Kev has given his views on the current situation at Newcastle in the aftermath of the Liverpool capitulation

"You know I don't like the owner there as I took him to court!"---"But I'm not scared to say the best day they'll have is when he goes because I know that's true!"
"The 35 million (for yee naa who) is not going to be reinvested---is it!?---I think that's OBVIOUS!"
"I think he'll sell two more players and sell the club!"
"And that will be the best day for Newcastle fans when he sells the club!"   Unqote