Thursday 31 December 2020

20-20-VISION---ER!----SORRY!---DERISION!

 Posted '1:00pm bells' 31st December 2020


A YEAR TO FORGET!--BUT ONE WE SURELY NEVER WILL!

The year 2020 haz been the year that non of us will ever forget, even if yoo are just 5 or 6 years old! 

Its torned oot to be a horrendous year for the entire population of the planet Orth!---Mask wearin' from Australia to Argentina and the UK to the USA---the entire world in lockdoon because of 'The bat out of hell' virus!

Of course if yoo are an NUFC fan, it iz even worse---with the promise of the mega rich Saudis takin ower wor great club and gettin rid of 'The Fat Controller' for good---to be dashed by Masters and Co at The Premyaa Leegue, to send us into abject dispair!

Bein' barred from the groonds and forced to watch games in pubs and wor livin rooms and view the dire futbaall that we normally play on the BIG and smaall screens! (and even listen on radios!)

Whoever would have believed that somebody eatin' a bat in China would stop us gannin' to games and pubs etc! (Its 306 days since we last watched The Toon at SJP!)

Honestly, (I'm sure you'll aall agree) its been terrible and I for one cannit wait for the 31st December at 'midneet bells' to say good riddance to the year 2020 and welcome in the new year of 2021! (Anly 11 hours to gan az I write this!)

Surely 2021 cannit be any worse----surely not?

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Wednesday 30 December 2020

THE TOON V THE LIVERBIRDS *** LIVE UPDATES!

 Posted from '7:00pm bells' onwards, Wedinzday 30th December 2020

 
   View of floodlights tooneet from Geordie Times HQ!



*

Updates of incidents and goals az they happen!

Half way through 1st half

Much better performance az we  attack The Leazes End  33% possession    0 shots on target!



*39th minute  1st shot on target for NUFC  Murphy


HT 0-0  1 shot on target  27% possession (we predicted 2 shots in 90 mins and 25% possession!)




*73rd minute     0 shots on target for us this half so far   possession 27%   still 0-0

79th minute  Clark heeder on target  1st of 2nd half

88th minute, fantastic save from Darlow in Toon goal!

FT 0-0 ! Great point that we didnt expect!

The result propels us up one place in the table to 14th and 8 points clear of the drop zone!

Man of the match---its GOT to be Karl Darlow in The Toon goal who made several excellent stops to deny the 'Mickey Mousers'



The Geordie Times predicted 2 shots on target from NUFC and there woz==and we predicted 75% possession to Liverpoool and 25% to NUFC---we wornt far oot az it woz 73% to 27%

If anly we could play like this every week instead of puttin 10 men behind the baall to bore us to death! wot a difference Callum Wilson and Matty Longstaff made az well!

Same again pleeeze against The Basil Brush Brigade of Lestaa next Sunday!?

THE TOON V THE LIVERBIRDS *** TOONEET!

 Posted 'bells' Wedinzday 30th December 2020

"WE ARE WHERE WE ARE!"---"IT IS WHAT IT IS!" (Steve Bruce)?

After failing to 'park the bus' successfully at Man City on Boxin' Day in the completely one sided 2-0 defeat, wor manager, 'Broken Nose Bruce' has a new ingenious tactic  to stop Klopp's men in their tracks!
He said: "It's an insult to me to say that I will 'park the bus' against Liverpool tooneet!"  "I have a cunning plan and it will hopefully work!--If not I will take no responsibility at all, should we fail miserably to stop them scoring and I will of course blame the fans, who won't be there!"


*The game kicks off at '8:00 bells'๐Ÿ•— on Amazon Prime and 'pirate channels' ☠ (as if we would!) and 'The Geordie Times' prediction iz we will play with one up front (Wilson, hopefully) and 10 men behind the baall!
 Liverpoool will have 75% possession to wor 25% and that we will have 2 shots on target in the entire game! 
In a matter of a few days we have slipped from 12th to 15th place in the Leegue table! ("Nearly there, Steve!") (Hiz remit of 17th place!)

Footnote: We reeely DO want 'Mr Depression' (Bruce) to be successful and prove us aall wrang and get 3 points against The Liverbirds!----IF we do 'The Geordie Times' will eat 'humble pie' and buy Bruce a massive 'Desperate Dan' Cow Pie' az a belated Xmas present!


Wishful 'fink'in?---well we will soon find oot, come '8:00 bells' this evenin'!

Match report to follow with live updates on goals etc!๐Ÿ˜ณ

Update '4:30 pm bells'
TYNESIDE IN TIER 4
LIVERPOOOL IN TIER 3

This wont make much difference to us az we cannot gan to tooneets game for example, or visit pubs anyway!
Liverpoool and Evertin on the other hand cant now let fans into their groonds eethaa and aall pubs must close!
We have aalways thought that it is grossly unfair that the scousers can let fans attend games, but the rest of us cannit! (An unfair and lopsided playin field for certain!)
Az it turns oot NEE leegue teams anywhere in the country can let any fans in, az from 'midneet bells' tooneet!


Tuesday 29 December 2020

THE STING IZ IN THE 'TALE'!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Tuusday 29th December 2020


Az those of yoo who read 'The Geordie Times' on a regular basis will know, I am a truck driver! 

The one thing I have learned ower the years iz that yoo don't under any circumstances, upset the fork truck drivers who tip and load your wagon!

To do so will meen that the next time yoo gan to that particular place again the fork truck driver in question 'will do a disappearing act' and yoo will be left cursing that yoo can't get tipped or loaded quickly!

The same thing can be said for wor manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' who has 'stirred up a hornets nest' and accused Toon fans of *'histrionics' and  'mass  hysteria' ⬅️(the same things he accused sund'lind and Villa fans of!) ower the shocking performances that we have had to witness on wor TV screens and laptops in the last few weeks!

(*Histrionics meaning = dramatic or theatrical)

Just like the fork truck drivers, if yoo upset and argue with your own fans, then there iz 'nee way back' and ultimately there iz anly one loser!---'Broken Nose Bruce' in this case! (ie: He haz crossed the line!)

He is very lucky indeed that nee fans can attend games and tell him exactly wot we 'fink' of hiz 'park the bus' tactics!

NUFC fans are the lifeblood of the club and to accuse us of 'mass hysteria' etc, iz ridiculous and insultin' and the sooner old 'Broken Nose' departs 'NE 1' the better!๐Ÿ˜ฌ

This iz wot happens when yoo disturb a hornets nest, Steve!

PS: Bruce's latest rants:
"We are where we are!" (?)
"We need to shut a few people up!" (The fans who he can't hear, coz we can't gan!--we presume!)


 

Monday 28 December 2020

93 YEARS AND COONTIN'!

 Posted '3:28pm bells' Munday 28th December 2020

My old mate aalways buys a new car when 'The Toon' win the leegue!


At the moment he iz drivin' this beauty!

Sunday 27 December 2020

THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD----!

 Posted '3:33pm bells' Sunday 27th December 2020

NUFC


SMB


VILLA


*SPOT THE DIFFERENCE?



                       And here's sommik from nufc.com



Saturday 26 December 2020

THE BLUE MOONIES V THE TOON *** LIVE UPDATES!

 Posted from '7:22pm bells' onwards, Boxin' Day 2020


Just as we thought!---No Callum Wilson in the startin' line up, (wor top scorer) he isnt injured so wor 'plan' looks like we will 'park the bus' with 11 men behind the baall and hope for a 0-0 draw--- which WON'T work!



There is NO Plan B of course!

Geordie Times prediction

Man City 90% possession to wor 10%!

Karl Darlow takes a goal kick orly on

*Goal updates here!

goal   1-0 to man city 14th minute! Gundogan shot

Commentator, near the end of the forst half: "Every single Newcasil player is in their own 18 yard box and Steve Bruce wishes he could join them!"

HT 1-0 doon   25% possession

Nee shots on target    

 1 corner๐Ÿ‘      Commentator: "Bruce will be happy!"

Official attendance in wor hoose: 3 (Me, a Toon beer glass and a can of cider!)

51st minute  1st shot on target for NUFC from Murphy!

A rare Toon attack durin the 2nd half

goal 54th minute Man City 2-0---Torres tap in!

We may az well gan yem! 

(Oh I forgot?---we ARE!)

Commentator "Man City have 88% possession this half so far (57th minute)

FT 2-0   How we got away with just a 2-0 defeat iz anybody's guess!

Final possession 81.5% to 18.5%  for 90 minutes (Wor prediction woz 90% to 10 %) but we nearly got it reet in the 2nd half az they had 88% and we anly had 12%


Nee shots on target in the forst half

2 shots on target in the second half, both weak efforts from Murphy

FROM SKY SPORTS

At the start of the season Broken Nose Bruce said that his target woz a top 10 finish---After the match Broken Nose Bruce said this!

      There's an old Red Indian sayin': 

       "He speaks with forked tongue!"๐Ÿ

THE BLUE MOONIES v THE TOON *** TOONEET !

 Posted from '12:54pm bells' onwards, Boxin' Day 2020

"LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER!?" (Part one!)

๐Ÿ œETIHAD STADIUM๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘

At odds of 25/1 for NUFC to win in Manchester today, the bookies have more than likely got it right! (we are 66/1 to win 1-0!)

The Geordie Times will be watchin the game via a laptop (and hopefully not hidin' behind the settee!) on a pirate channel ๐Ÿ•ฑ(alledgedleee!) kick off '8:00 bells' (BT---and )

But look on the bright side!----we have anly lost at 'The Etihad' 11 times in a row, in the Premyaa Leegue! 

In total we have played there in the leegue 15 times since it opened in 2003-2004, drawin twice and losin 13 times! Man City have scored 42 times to wor 8  (Wor one and anly success woz a 2-0 win in the Leegue Cup in 2014-2015)

Aalso! NUFC have lost wor last 5 games played on Boxin' Day!---So nothin' to worry aboot, then!?

And lets hope if we DEE get beat that wor manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' doesn't come oot with one of the followin ridiculous statements, which he haz trotted oot many times before, after a defeat!

"We've got to dust ourselves down and carry on!"    "I'm not everybody's cup of tea!"  "I'm not making excuses---BUT!"       "We've got to roll our sleeves up!"    "It iz wot it iz!" ๐Ÿ œ(whatever THAT'S supposed to mean???)

Bookies odds on him sayin' one of the above are 2/1 !

Footnote: "BELLA TO THE RESCUE?"    'Storm Bella' iz due to hit the north west of England tooneet,  bringin' torrential rain and storm force gales!

Therefore a possible postponement becoz of a waaterlogged pitch could save Brucey's bacon! (NOT hiz bacon sarnies by the way!--he'll definitely scoff them!)๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿฝ

A Geordie Times 'laptop' match report to follow!

PS: We will publish the team line up in a new post when it comes through at aroond aboot '7:00 bells', plus any goals az they happen from the '8:00 bells' kick off! (Hope we're not tooo busy!)

 

Friday 25 December 2020

THE QUEEN'S XMAS MESSAGE TO THE TOON ARMY! (GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!)

 Posted '3:00pm bells' Xmas Day 2020


 "As an avid member of The Toon Army can I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!

It has been an anus horriblus year for all of us and we can only hope that the NUFC takeover finally happens in 2021!

Us royal families must stick together and we hope that this finally happens in the not to distant future and that we can get rid of 'The Fat Controller' once and for all!

Once again I wish you all a very happy Christmas and fingers crossed for the new year!

HOWAY THE LADS!"

Thursday 24 December 2020

X CERTIFICATE GAMES @ XMAS!

 Posted '1:50pm bells' Xmas Eve 2020


     NEAR THE MOUTH OF THE RIVER TYNE!

Steve Bruce---the tactical genius that he iz, has said that he will rest wor top goalscorer Callum Wilson ower the Xmas period!

In layman's terms this meeenz that we will hoy on another defender and play 11 men behind the baall against Maan City, Liverpoool and Lestaa in wor next 3 games, in a desperate bid to try and keep the scores doon to single figures!

1364/1 FOR NUFC TO WIN AALL 3!---MUST BE SOME KIND OF RECORD!?


Wednesday 23 December 2020

BRENTFAAD 1 THE TOON 0 *** LEEGUE CUP QWAATAA FINAL 2020-2021

 Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 23rd December 2020


RADIO "GAA GAA!"

"HOW LUCKY AM I?" (Diary of an NUFC fan/trucker)

'High noon bells' Munday 21st: I'm off work on Tuesday so that I can watch the Toon on mee laptop v Brentfaad (Me normal hours clash with the kick off time of '5:30 bells')

I get a phone caall from work at 'high noon bells': Gaffer: "Agency havvint got any drivers to cover your shift tomorrow!" Can you do shift and we will give yoo an extra 2 days holiday?"

"OK, but can I leave earlier than normal, so that I can watch the match on mee phone at Redditch?", I asked

"YES!" came the reply----so I said that I would 'do it'!

Tuesday 22nd: Got to Redditch just before '5pm bells' and opened the wagon curtains so that the fork truck driver could tip and load it!

He did and I woz ready to watch the match at '5:30 bells'--- but disaster!---I couldnt get a picture on mee phone's screen!

In desperation aa put the truck's radio on to listen on Radio 5 live!

Not good news az Brentfaad were 'aall ower us' and had hit the bar!

After repeated attempts to get a picture, the screen burst to life and I could now watch the remainder of the forst half!----But then disaster struck again, just before half time, when the bloody picture froze!

I decided to 'give up' and listen to the commentary of the 2nd half on the radio, az I drove back up the M42 motorway!

We wornt playin well and when az aa passed the Tamworth services exit, Brentfaad scored! (Another 'disaster'!)

We were now playin reely badly and Brentfaad were by far the better team! By the time I reached the M1 north, we had a total of FOUR strikers on the pitch at the same time to try and get a goal back (Wilson, Gayle, Joelinton and Carroll) and the commentator said, "Newcasil have got 2 five a side teams on the pitch in opposite ends!"? 

It didnt work (of course!) and az aa passed East Midlands Airport the ref blew for full time and wor 'dream' of a Wembley final woz ower yet again! (A 'dream' of watchin' it online!)

One of the most damnin' things woz that we had put oot a virtually full strength team, while Brentfaad had made 5 changes from their previous Championship game!

After the match wor beleagered manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' woz interviewed! 

"Progress was there for everyone to see!---We got to a quarter final!" ("WOW!")--This certainly IZ 'a work in progress!?")

 One of Bruce's excuses: "It would help if I had another centre half and could put Issac (Hayden) into midfield!"

"I won't make excuses!" (????????)

(* We have one on wor books Steve, he's caalled Florian Lejeune and iz on loan to Spanish club Alaves!)

And another 'famous' Bruce quote, "We'll just have to dust ourselves down and carry on!" (ie: "What a 'Carry On'!")

A LORRY LOAD OF THESE WERE DELIVERED TO 
THE BENTON TRAININ' GROOND TODAY!

So there we have it!---another dreadful and abysmal performance and I missed watchin' most of it!

"HOW LUCKY AM I ???"




SOME WHERE NEAR NUFCs TRAININ' GROOND LAST NEET!

Tuesday 22 December 2020

BRENTFAAD V THE TOON *** LEEGUE CUP QWAATAA FINAL @ '5:30 BELLS' TOONEET@

 Posted '6:00am bells' Tuesday 22nd December 2020

'NO GO' FOR 'THE NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS'!

For the 2nd competitive game in a row on a new groond, 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be missin, az will any Brentfaad fans, as we make wor debut at The Brentfaad Community Stadium in west London! (Newport woz missed az well!)

And so it is with a heavy heart that we must watch on from afar on wor tellys, laptops and mobile 'telling bones'! (in my case, mee mobile phone on an extended break in mee truck at Redditch in deepest Worcestershire!)

It haz been conformed that Jamaal Lascelles and Allan Saint-Maximin are the 2 NUFC players sufferin from 'long covid' (az though we hadnt worked it oot, coz they were missin from previous squads)

The Geordie Times wishes them a speedy recovery and hope that they will be back in the side soon!

The prize of victory iz a place in the semi finals of the Leegue Cup, which will be a one legged affair this season! (At the beginnin' of January)

The winners will be at Wembley at the end of February, where it will more than likely played behind closed doors in the 90,000 seat arena! (How sad!)

A full Geordie Times match report on the game will be published sometime on Wedinzday!---Az per usual---"Watch this space!"

Sunday 20 December 2020

INCONSISTANTLY INCONSISTANT!

 Posted from '1:26pm bells' Sunday 20th December 2020


In the aftermath of yet another boring depressin and negative performance from NUFC the 'keyboard warriors', the press and TV pundits give their verdicts! 

Less possession than the 10 men of Fulim and just 4 shots on target (includin the penalty!) tells it's own sorry tale!

We will update anything we find throughout the day!


I must have been watchin a different game on mee laptop last neet!?๐Ÿค”















Saturday 19 December 2020

THE TOON V FULIM *** TOONEET AT '8 BELLS'

 Posted from '7:00pm bells' onwards Saturday 19th December 2020

ST. JAMES' PARK (top right) FROM THE BANKS OF THE RIVER TYNE

Updates on goals and major incidents az they happen on mee laptop!

'7:13pm bells'


*Just before kick off   The bright lights of SJP shine brightly in the night sky beside the Elswick tower blocks 
(View from Geordie Times HQ)



*22nd minute
Halfway through the first half and its still stalemate between the sides
Possession 
36% to NUFC---64% to Fulim
Not good enough!

goal   0-1  own goal by Matt Ritchie in the 41st minute at The Gallowgate End!---
HT 0-1 against a team in the relegation zone
Simply 2nd best
Two thirds possession to the Londoners!

*GOAL! CALLUM WILSON PENALTY 62ND MINUTE
FULIM DOON TO 10 MEN!
WILSON PENALTY!

Full time 1-1 despite playin against 10 men from a team in the relegation zone who had 56% possession to wor 44%
Simply not very good, but that's wor level now!
I cannit beleeve that I am happy to take a point from this game---but I am 










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