Thursday 28 February 2019

PREMYAA LEEGUE RULES OK!

Posted '3:30pm bells' Thorsday 28th February 2019
WOT CELTIC FANS THINK OF RODGERS NOW!

News that Celtic fans are caallin Brendan Rodgers 'a fraud' for leavin' them for Lestaa City, az Celtic have 60,000 fans compared to Lestaa's 30,000

The reality iz that The Premyaa Leegue iz a million times richer than The Scottish Premyaa and even though Lestaa are a medium sized club in a massive pond, Celtic are a massive club in a very small pond!
Its a farce anyway that one club can dominate so much, who are gannin for a 'treble, treble' of Scottish Leegue, Scottish Cup and Scottish Leegue Cups!

When Celtic or Rangers are not in town, clubs like Hamilton, Kilmarnock, St Mirren and Motherwell get 'crowds' of under 4,000
While in Ing-er-land anly Bournemoooth are poorly supported in comparison with average gates of 10,000 (Bournemoooth would be 6th best supported if they were in Scotland!)

Rangers and Celtic get 50,000 plus crowds, while the next best supported club, Hearts average just 16,000-----theres ne competition to The Premyaa Leegue, where Man U, Man City, Arsenal, West Ham, Liverpool, Sporz and NUFC get average gates of 50,000-75,000 and of course the telly money makes aall the difference!

So its ne surprize to us that 'Jolly Rodger' jumped ship for the gravy train south of the border!---the richest leegue in the world!

Iz it any wonder that the clubs near the bottom of the Premyaa Leegue are so desperate to stay 'in it', but of course 3 will be demoted at the end of the season with 'uddersfeeeld and Fulim aalready doomed!
Celtic (and Rangers) would love to be 'in it', but that will never happen in a million years!

The Premyaa Leegue rules OK!----and you'd better beleeeve it!

Wednesday 27 February 2019

THE TOON 2 THE BORNLEY HILLBILLIES 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 27th February 2019

"FOWER IN A ROW!---HERE WE GO!"

Yet anothaa 'must win' home game against relegation rivals WOZ won with anothaa excellent display by aall!

Quite simply the arrival of Miguel Almiron and the form of "one of wor own" Saun Longstaff haz completleee changed the mood of the fans from despair to optimism in a matter of weeks!

When we lost away to Chelski on January 12th we were in a relegation place---and now we are in thorteenth position thanx mainly to 4 home wins in a row!
1st HALF ACTION AZ NUFC ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL

We started off where we left off against 'uddersfeeeld last Saturday and went for 'the jugular' straight away, az we attacked The Leazes goal. After havin most of the possession we took the lead in the 24th minute with a wonder shot from 30 yards oot by Fabian Schar which went in off the post---(some luck at last after hittin the post 4 times v 'uddersfield, where the baall boonced back off the woodwork!)

Local lad Saun Longstaff then got hiz forst Premyaa goal when he got onto the end of a Matt Ritchie cross in the 38th minute to fire home a great shot---and he celebrated wildly, az did 'we' in the stands!
More chances went 'abeggin' but we couldn't add to the scoreline and went in 2-0 up at the break!
ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd HALF)



Miguel Almiron woz again one of the stars az he raced aboot 'like a whippet' and woz unlucky not to get on the scoresheet in the 2nd half, az we attacked The Gallowgate goal!

Bornley wornt very good and we fully desorved the precious 3 points to put us 7 points above the drop zone with anly 10 games left!---Almiron, Longstaff and Perez aall received standin' ovations when they were aall substituted late on!
Cardiff and Brightin's losses were a bonus and meant that we climbed to within 5 points of West Ham in the top half of the table---and who we play away on Saturday!---who would'iv beleeeved that in January?

On this form anything iz possible!

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Schar, Lejeune, Lascelles, Ritchie, Hayden, Longstaff (Diame84), Almiron (Dummett 80), Perez (Joselu 87), Rondon

Attendance: 48,323 (Just 1,000 or so 'Hillbillies' in The Leazes upper tier) (one reason why the crowd woz under 50,000)
This woz wor lowest crowd this season!

*
LIGHT SHOW AT ST. JAMES' PARK

FANS PASS 'THE STRAWBERRY' ON THEIR WAY TO MATCH
(Photo taken on Gallowgate End concourse)

WOT THE PAPERS SAY!







  

Tuesday 26 February 2019

THE TOON v THE BORNLEY HILLBILLIES *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '4:16pm bells' Tuesday 26th February 2019
HAPPY FANS LEAVE SJP AFTER WOR 2-0 WIN ON SATURDAY
LETS HOPE WE ARE HAPPY AGAIN TOONEET!

Tooneet we play anothaa 'six pointer' against anothaa of wor relegation rivals, but this game v Bornley will be much harder than against 10 men 'uddersfeeeld last Saturday for certain!

We feel that Bornley will try to kick lumps oot of wor players and we have to hope that we have a strong ref to stop this!
Craig Pawson will referee the game and he haz shown 105 yellow cards and 4 red cards this season, includin' one against Issac Hayden at Cardiff in wor forst away game---He aalso refereed wor 1-0 home win ower Wotfaad orlier this season!


NUFC are gannin for wor 4th home win 'in a row' while wor visitors are unbeaten in their last 8 Premyaa Leegue games, so something must 'give' in this evenins game, which iz live on SKY ('8 bells' kick off)

If we play like we did on Saturday we have a great chance, but ne doubt Bornley will not surrender like 'uddersfield did!

Not sure wot the crowd will be or how many tickets 'The Hillbillies' have sold, but there iz sure to be around 50,000 present!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime tomorrow az per usual!

338 nethermoor park, guiseley (v leeds u23s)

Ground number 338
Date of First Visit:25th February 2019
Nethermoor Park, Guiseley

Leeds United U23s 3
Newcastle United U23s 1 (Jamie Sterry)

Premier League Cup group 'H'
Attendance: 1,012 (several NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!)

"BLINDED BY THE WHITE!"
                                           SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
THE GAME IZ ABOOT TO KICK OFF
WITH LEEEDZ IN THEIR AALL WHITE STRIP


AFTER A LANG DELAY THEY CHANGED
INTO BRIGHT YELLOW SHIRTS?


4 of us travelled doon in Biffa the Beer's jam jar and arrived in Guiseley at '5:30 bells' and parked up at the car park at Nethermoor Park, the home of non leegue Guiseley AFC.---which woz aalso the 'home' of Leeedz U23 side!

It woz then onward to a drinkin den alang the road caalled 'The White Cross' where pints of Mad Goose ale were consumed!ðŸ˜Ļ

It woz soon time to heed back to the groond and after a quick liquid refreshment (Tetley mild) in the clubhoose, we heeded for the terraces in time for the '7 bells' kick off!-----WRANG!
THE GUISELEY CLUBHOOSE


We could see that there woz a discussion on the pitch between the referee and the Leeedz goalie, which went on for ages?

Kick off time passed and then bizzarly Leeedz aall white strip woz deemed to clash with wor aall light blue away strip and they were forced to change their tops for bright yellow ones with no numbers on the backs!----farcical!
THIS PIC TAKEN BY 'DAVE FROM YORK'--- CHEERS DAVE!

We couldnt see just how the strips clashed?----woz their goalie colour blind?----or indeed the ref, because of the bright floodlights?

Anyway!  The game eventually kicked off 12 minutes late az we attacked the left hand goal!

It woz 'see-saw' at forst with both sides havin chances!
The breakthrough came from 'The Yellow Vests' who took the lead in the 25th minute with a fine strike, much to the delight of the large home support! (With no numbers on their shirts, we havent got a clue who scored?)
Their 'delight' woz short lived however az The Toon hit back straight away when Jamie Sterry hit a shot which woz deflected into the net by one of their 'numberless' defenders!
It woz 1-1 at half time!

The 2nd half woz unfortunately a 'no show' from NUFC az Leeedz dominated this half!
2 goals in quick succession then followed from the home side az we were sunk withoot trace by 'The Yellow Vests'!


The result meant that Leeedz won group 'H', but we still qualified for the knockoot stages in 2nd place!
THE TEAM SHEET


The draw date for the last 16 in the knockout stages iz not known yet. But there are a few teams still left in who play on groonds we have never been te----az per usual "Watch this space!" and we will let yiz naa, az soon az we find oot!

PS: Wor 'hunch' woz reet!---We did eventually find oot the reason for the Leeedz strip change. On Leeedz Twitter feed they said: "Slight delay here as Leeds have to change shirts due to one of the players being colour blind"----(We'll give you 3 guesses who we 'fink' it woz?)






PPS: SOME OF THE PHOTOS THAT AH TOOK MAKE IT LOOK AZ 
THOUGH THAT LEEEDZ ARE STILL WEARIN' WHITE SHIRTS!
PERHAPS MEE CAMERA PHONE IZ COLOUR BLIND AZ WELL!!!?😎



UNBELEEEVIBLEEE THEY ARE COLOUR BLIND AT 
THE YORKSHIRE POST AZ WELL! 




Monday 25 February 2019

LEEEDZ U23s v THE TOON U23s **** TOONEET!

Posted '11:26am bells' Munday 25th January 2019
(The score will be updated at half time and full time!)
NETHERMOOR PARK, GUISELEY AFC

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' are on the road again today, with 'Guiseley' near Leeedz wor destination!
This iz where Leeedz U23s play their home games and az its a groond we have never been te before, we will be oot in force at '7 bells' tooneet! (aboot 7 of us!)ðŸ˜Ū

Wor U23s are top of the table in this Premyaa Leegue Cup group 'H' tie and will qualify for the knockoot stage, even if we lose (the top 2 oot of 4 qualify)
Leeedz will qualify IF they win, but Sooothampton will take their place in the knockout stages IF they don't! (Sooothampton have a better 'goal difference' to Leeedz and so a draw isn't good enough for them)

Premyaa Leegue group 'H' (just one more game to play tooneet)
NUFC U23s,             played 5, points 11
Sooothampton U23s, played 6, points10
Leeedz U23s,             played 5, points 9
Notts Cooonty U23s, played 6, points 1

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will appear here sometime tomorrow---meeenwhile, we will post the half time score and full time score az soon az it happens!
SO!---watch this space at '7:45 bells' (HT) and '8:45 bells' (FT)tooneet, to find oot the score!
Team sheet


HT score:1  1
FT score:Lost 3  1ðŸ˜ĪðŸ˜Ĩ😧

Sunday 24 February 2019

THE TOON 2 'UDDERSFEEELD 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '10:35am bells' Sunday 24th February 2019
ACTION AT THE LEAZES END (2nd half)

"3 IN A ROW!"

This woz a game we simpleee had to win az a nervous crowd torned up at St. James' Park!
Almiron gets a warm Geordie welcome!

We indeed started off a 'bit norvy', but new boy Miguel Almiron nearly scored when he woz put clean through in the thorteenth minute. He set off like 'a whippet', but hiz chip ower their keeper hit the post and boonced oot to Rondon who whammed hiz shot against the same post! (a double 'whammy' indeed!)

The tornin' point of the game, however, came after just 20 minutes on the clock when a horrible  'leg break' tackle on wor new record signing Almiron saw Tom Smith rightly sent off!

Luckily he wasn't badly injured and to wor relief he woz up in a couple of minutes to terrorise the 'Terriers' defence once again!
(1st half)  MATT RICHIE PREPARES TO TAKE A FREE KICK 
AT THE GALLOWGATE END 


Rondon then sent a divin' heeder wide after a great cross from Longstaff, when it looked easier to score az the crowd groaned in frustration!

Somehow the scoreline woz 0-0 at the interval, but the vital breaktrough came just after the restart when Rondon fired home from inside the box at The Leazes End, much to the relief of the 50,000 Toon fans present!
It woz soon 2-0 and 'game ower' when Perez rifled hiz shot into the corner of the net just 5 mins later!

Sub Kenedy then hit a raspin shot against the bar az did Shaun Longstaff to make it 4 woodwork 'strikes' in total!

Loads of missed chances then followed and the anly puzzle woz that the final scoreline woz anly 2-0 instead of 7-0
Almiron 'The Little Whippet' got a standin' ovation in the 81st minute when he woz substituted by Atsu!

9 points from the last 3 home games propelled us up to 15th place, 4 points above the drop zone after mixed results from wor relegation rivals! (10 points from the last 15 in total)

'uddersfield look dead and buried with just 11 points and Fulim aalso looked doomed with 17 points---NINE (er!) ELEVEN! behind us!
The race iz on to avoid the thord relegation place involving half a dozen teams---including NUFC of course!

Bornley are next up on Tuesday neet at 'HQ'---anotha six pointer against anothaa of the relegation contenders!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Schar, Lascelles, Lejeune, Ritchie (Kenedy 69), Perez, Hayden, Longstaff, Almiron (Atsu 81), Rondon (Joselu 84)

Attendance: 52,174 (2,000 from 'uddersfeeeld, who just know that they are gannin doon!)

*
POST MATCH CROWD STREAMS DOON BARRACK ROAD

HAPPY TOON FANS PASS UNDER THE CHINESE ARCH 
(GALLOWGATE END IN BACKGROOND)

A STEEL BAND PLAYS IN FRONT OF THE JOE HARVEY PLAQUE
'SMOKIN JOE', WHO WON THE FA CUP AZ A PLAYER AND 
THE INTER CITIES FAIRS CUP AZ A MANAGER 
DIED 30 YEARS AGO TODAY
"RIP JOE!"

Friday 22 February 2019

TELLY TIMES FOR APRIL!****YET MORE WEEKDAY MISERY!

Posted '3:13pm bells' Friday 22nd February 2019

The SKY and BT telly fixtures for April have just been published!We aaready knew that we were away to 'The Arse' on April Fools Day and here are the rest of the fixtures for NUFC for the rest of that month!
REMEMBER!---yoo read this forst in The Geordie Times!---
and NEE WHERE ELSE!

The anly game in April not to be changed iz Paliss at home--BUT if they progress to the semi-finals of the FA Cup it WILL be moved to a weekday slot!
Arsenal away on a Munday and Lestaa away on a Friday meenz more time off work of course and Brigtin away at '5:30 bells' meenz that there iz 'ne chance' of gettin' back on the same day eethaa! 

Mun 1st: 'The Arse' away---live on SKY at '8 bells'

Sat 6th: Cristil Paaliss at SJP '3 bells'---(Will be changed if Palace make semi finals of FA Cup)

Fri 12th: 'The Basil Brush Brigade of Lestaa away at '8 bells'---live on SKY

Sat 20th: Sooothampton at SJP at '5:30 bells'---live on BT (woz a '3 bells' ko)

Sat 27th: "Nee where near" Brightin away at '5:30 bells'---live on BT (woz a '3 bells' ko)

THE TOON v 'UDDERSFEEELD *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '1:59pm bells' Friday 22nd February 2019
ST. JAMES' PARK FROM STANHOPE STREET

Tomorrow afternoon @ '3 bells' we play anothaa vital game that we 'must win' against bottom side 'uddersfeeeld at SJP.
And then just 3 days later we've got 'The Bornley Hillbillies' at home and wor future whereaboots (Premyaa Leegue or Championship!) we feel, could well be decided in those 2 games!

Win both and we will be well clear of the relegation zone, anything else will be an unmitigated disaster!   Even a win and a draw will keep us in 'the mire', with othaa clubs like Cardiff putting runs together in the desperate bid to avoid the dreaded drop!

New boys Miguel Almiron and Antonio Barreca are expected to make their home debuts and hopefully they will both 'hit the groond runnin'!
Wor visitors tomorrow are in dreadful form havin taken just one solitary point from their last 13 games!----lets hope its still 'one' at '5 bells' tomorrow afternooon!



NETHERMOOR---GUISELEY AFC

Sandwiched in between those 2 games iz a U23s away game at Guiseley AFC v Leeedz U23s on Munday neet at '7 bells'---a groond 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoopers' have nevaa been te!

Meenwhile 3 of wor relegation rivals are in action before us.
Both Cardiff (at home to Wotfaad) and Fulim ( away to West Ham) are in action tooneet and Bornley are playin in the dinnaatime kick off tomorrow at home to Sporz!

Lets hope they aall LOSE!----PLEEEZE!

Updated '10:15pm bells' in Eccles on truck run
Full time: Cardiff 1   Wotfaad 5
West Ham 3   Fulim 1
"So far so good!"

Full 'Geordie Times' match reports will appear here for aall 3 games in due course!

Az per usual "Watch this space!"

PS: The live telly games for April are due to be announced today!
We will of course let yiz naa of any changes to wor fixtures asap---and PLEEEZE, ne more Munday neet away games!

Thursday 21 February 2019

"NO FLIES ON ME!"

Posted '4:50pm bells' Thorsday 21st February 2019

"IT'S THERE IN BLACK 'N' WHITE!"

BBC news reports that racehorses are to be dressed in black 'n' white zebra striped horse blankets to keep the flies off!

Apparently they have discovered that zebras don't get biten by flies, az the flies don't like their black 'n' white stripes for some unbeknown reason---and keep well away!

So there we have it!---wear your Toon top with pride and keep the flies away at the same time!

AALTOGETHER NOW!
"TOON!--TOON!--BLACK 'N' WHITE HORSES!"

THOSE POOR MANCUNIANS!---BUT WOT ABOOT 'US'?

Posted '2:15pm bells' Thorsday 21st February 2019

News that both Man U and Man City fans wont be able to get home after their FA Cup ties were changed for live telly reaches us via The Daily Mail newspaper today!

Ne mention whatsoever though aboot Toon fans unable to get back from Chelsea, Wolves, West Ham or Arsenal, in this year alone, because of ridiculous live telly dates and times!
Or the fact that we had get oot of bed at '3;30am bells' to travel to London on the '5am bells' train, for wor '12:30 bells' kick of at Wembley v Sporz!

Obviously it iz 'OK' for 'us' to be inconvenienced <(we naa how to sppell aall the big words!) but not for those poor Mancunians who are in the qwaataa finals of the FA Cup! <(something we can anly dream aboot theeeze days!)

Wednesday 20 February 2019

SJP VOTED BEST ATMOSPHERE IN PREM!

Posted '3:34pm bells' Wedinzday 20th February 2019

In a 'BET365' poll on Twitter, St. James' Park woz voted the best for atmosphere in The Premyaa Leegue this season!

The top 20 list iz printed below!

Anfield haz been voted 2nd , while Selhurst Park get 'the bronze medal'

Bizarrely, (and not suprizingly!) Sporz new stadium haz been voted the least atmospheric, due to the fact that they have NEVER! played in the 62,000 empty seat stadium!

THE LIST! (From gold medal position to wooden spoon!)

1 St. James' Park
2 Anfield 
3 Selhurst Park
4 Amex Stadium
5 Stamford Bridge
6 St. Mary's Stadium
7 Molineux
8 John Smith Stadium
9 Craven Cottage
10 King Power Stadium
11 Goodison Park
12 Vicarage Road
13 Turf Moor
14 Vitality Stadium
15 Etihad Stadium
16 Old Trafford
17 Cardiff City Stadium
18 Emirates Stadium
19 London Stadium
20 Tottenham Hotspur Stadium

"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE?"

Monday 18 February 2019

IT WOZ 50 YEARS AGO!

Posted '3:07pm bells' Munday 18th February 2019

50 years ago last Friday aa travelled the forthest distance possible for an 'old' forst division game, when aa heeded to Sooothampton for a leegue game at 'The Dell' ---and a roond trip of 700 miles by supporters club bus!
THE DELL --AZ IT LOOKED IN 1969
THE DELL---2019

A match report on that archive game iz printed below
(ground number 008) alang with a match report from a game at 'The Dell' 35 years ago in 1984 

008 the dell southampton


(GROUND NUMBER 8)



Date of First Visit: 15th FEBRUARY 1969



THE DELL, SOUTHAMPTON



SOUTHAMPTON 0  NEWCASTLE UNITED 0



(OLD) DIVISION ONE---ATTENDANCE 22,213



"WHERE'S SIMON TEMPLAR!??"





This supporters club coach trip tih the sooth coast cost wih the princely sum of seventeen and six (aboot 82p!) and it took wih eleven hours tih get there! (that's reet, ELEVEN F***** hours!) 

Mee Skool mate, Keith Carrol, who was'nt even a futbaall fan?, said he fancied gannin', just for the adventure! and SOME! adventure it torned oot tih be!


Wi'd left the Haymarket in the Toon just after friday midneet, az yih had tee back then! (If yi'd left, say, at six in the mornin', yih would'nt have made the 'three bells' kick off!)



It was a hell of a journey, as the roads were'nt too clever in them days, and it seemed tih tek 'for ever' tih get there and after a couple of stops for some scran and the 'toolshed' etc., (nee bogs on the busses back then!) we arrived ootside 'The Dell' at 'eleven bells', totally 'cream crackered'!


The Toon fans piled off wor bus and straight intih the nearest boozer for the forst pints of the day, but me and Keith could'nt get in coz we were too young. (We had tih settle for the local 'Greasy Spoon' for a 'cuppa' and a 'bacon sarnee'!)


Soothampton of course played in the hated red 'n' white stripes of 'yee naa who'

The match was a battle of the Welsh namesakes, with Wyn Davies playin' for the Toon and Ron Davies playin' for the 'Saints'.



"THERE'S ONLY ONE SIMON TEMPLAR!"


As the teams came oot, the loadspeakers blasted oot 'The Saint' signature tune from the '60s' T.V. series, but!---(and tih my dismay!) there was nee sign of mee hero, Simon Templar!, (aka. Roger Moore) who was the 'superstar' of the hit telly show, and who used to appear in the openin' credits, where a white halo would 'miraculously materialize' above his heed, as he looked skywards!.

("Never mind!"--ah thought---"Mebees next time!?")


(N.B: This information is for the 'under 50s' only!)


THE TEAM LINE UPS




Newcastle torned oot in their aall blue away strip and were by far the better team on the day. Toon number eight Arthur Horsfield looked the most likely tih score and a excellent shot from him was finger tipped ower the bar by 'Saints' keeper Gurr. 



Wyn Davies and 'Pop' Robson aalso went close for the 'Blues', but it was Gordon Hindson who missed the best chance of the match when he 'skyed' a simple chance from aboot six yards in the second half, and wih had tih settle for a point as the match ended in a goal-less draw.

The programme cost 1 shilling
(5 pence in today's money!)


The Toon should certainly have won and we definately had 'The Blues' as wih set off on wor lang trip yhem, which torned oot tih be pretty uneventful, which is in complete contrast tih mee visit there fifteen years later, when another coach trip, organised by 'one' 'Monty', included a neets stay in a cheap hotel (i.e. minus 'five stars'!) alang the sooth coast in Bournemouth.  

(Read on!)


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Date of Revisit: 24th NOVEMBER 1984



SOUTHAMPTON 1  NEWCASTLE UNITED 0



(OLD) DIVISION ONE---ATTENDANCE 18,895






"WHO'S PINCHED THE BED OOT OF ROOM SEVENTEEN?!"






Originally, we were gannih gan tih Soothampton on a trip with nee owerneet stay, but we were let doon at the last minute when the bus waz cancelled!

(F***** great---eh!)

A’d hord through the grapevine that a Toon fan  who everybody naaz az  ‘Monty’ waz runnin’ a trip with an owerneet stay at a hotel in Bournemooth.

This sounded too good tih be true and waz reet up wor street, so ah waz straight on the ‘blower’ tih book some places for the lads.---But there WAZ a catch!


‘Monty’, (on the otha end of the ‘tellin’-bone’) “AYE!, aall get yiz on!, but there’s anly one problem!”

‘Me’: “What’s that—like?”

‘Monty’: “Wih have’nt booked a big enough bus, so some iv yiz I’ll have tih stand if yiz wonna gan!”

‘Me’: “Nee problem, Monty!---az lang az wiv somewhere tih kip for the neet, wih could’nt give a f***!”

‘Monty’: “OK!---yiz are on!---the bus leaves from ‘The Tanners’ (Arms) just ower the Byker bridge at midneet!” (Friday)


Az this was aalready five bells on the Friday neet wih had nee time tih loose, so ah got in touch wih the lads and hoyed a few ‘essentials’ intih an owerneet bag (mee ‘Toon top’, a pair of ‘under-keks’, (just in case ah farted ‘n’ ‘followed through’!) and a ‘six pack’!)

Ah then heeded for the Toon tih meet up wih the lads for the Friday neet session,

before heedin’ for ‘The Tanners’ and the lang jorney tih the sooth coast.


Az soon az ah gor on the bus ah could see that it waz full of ‘radgies’, ‘plonkies’ and ‘heedbangers’!, and ah could ‘sense’ that it waz gannih be an ‘eventful’ trip, tih say the least!

Like ah say!---there wornt enough seats tih gan roond, so ah just stood in the gangway while others opted tih climb intih the owerheed luggage racks, (not an ‘option’ for me, az ‘mee frame would’nt fit in’!) while ‘Piper’ corled up on the floor and tried tih gan tih kip!


This WAS’NT a good idea!, az the ‘gargel’ soon started tih get spilt and run doon the aisle, and,(worse still!) az the ‘tool-shed’ waz soon full tih owerflowin’, some ‘pissbrains’ decided tih lob their ‘secret weapons’? oot and get a piss in their empty cans, which iz’nt so eazy when the bus iz deein’ seventy doon the motorway!, and add the fact that by this time they aall had ‘double vision’, most of them ‘missed the target’ and ended up deein it on the floor!


Before lang the whole bus waz ‘awash’ with beer and piss and poor aad ‘Piper’ who waz ‘deep in the land of nod’ by nuw, (ZZZZzzzz!!!!) got ‘a wash’ that he did’nt expect!


Sometime later and after several stops tih empty the blocked ‘tool-shed’, (and wor bladders!) we arrived at wor destination in Bournemooth and hoyed wor bags intih the hotel. By this time mee poor aad ‘bacon ‘n’ eggs’ were achin’ with havin’ tih stand aall the way, but at least we were here and ah plonked meesel doon in bar, aall to ready for the forst ‘liquids’ of the day!

Then it waz off on the bus again in the direction of Soothampton and we stopped off in a little village aboot half way between the two places.


After a (canny!) few ‘gargels’ wih heeded back for the bus, but it was suroonded by the local ‘Dibble’?

Apparently!---somebody off the bus had decided tih dee a bit shoppin’ in the local ‘offy’, instead of gannin’ on the ‘razzle’?---BUT!---the anly trouble waz----they did’nt fancy payin’ for it!

Az he waz wearin’ a black ‘n’ white Toon tops, it did’nt tek a brain sorgin tih work oot that the ‘culprit’ must come from the bus with ‘Newcastle Upon Tyne’ written on the back!


At forst ah thought we were aall gannih get ‘collared’ and miss the match! (god forbid!) but common sense prevailed, and the goods were returned (unopened!) and we were allowed tih gan on wor way! (complete with a ‘blue light’ escort!)

(Phew!---it waz a ‘close call’---but yih aalways get ONE! Idiot tih spoil the party---divvint yih?)


Because we were nuw late because of the ‘hold up’, wih had tih mek a ‘beeline’ for the groond az soon az we got tih Soothampton and we (just!) made the kick off with anly seconds tih spare!


The Dell I’m afraid waz still the cramped dump that a’d frost visited back in 1969 and with nee room tih expand their hemmed in groond, it would surely be anly a matter of time before they moved tih ‘pastures new’ (am ah psychic or what?)


“THE MATCH!”

Tih cut a lang story short, the Toon lost this one, one-nowt, in a close fought game.

(There!---howz that for an ‘in-depth’ match report!?)


After the match wih headed back tih  Bournemooth tih droon wih sorrows!.

As soon as wih arrived wih made for the hotel for a quick wash ‘n’ brush up before gannin straight on the 'hoy'. Sometime later, after several gallons! of the local 'hooch', and some 'Desperate Dan' at the local 'Chingkeez', wih craalled back tih the hotel for a good neets 'shut eye'.



The next mornin' was pandemonium!.

One of the lads knocked on his mates room door, and pretended tih be the hotel manageress, by speakin' in a (very!) high pitched voice. "YOO HOO, BREAKFAST!", he caaled oot.



His mate answered back, "CHEERS PET!, AAL NOT BE A MINUTE!".



He 'hoyed his gear on', opened the door, and his mate, who was hidin' behind it!, threw a fire bucket full of waata aall ower him!.



He just stood there like a drooned rat!, with his hair and clothes, drippin' wet!. The whole room includin' the bed, was completely soaked!, and before lang 'aal hell broke loose!, with 'waata fights' gannin on aal ower the place!.



The second floor landin' carpet soon resembled a 'waaterlogged St. James' Park!', and what ah can anly describe as lookin' like 'Niagara Falls', (slight exaggeration!) was cascadin' doon the landin' stairs!.



The hotel manager, it has tih be said, was'nt ower pleezed! (slight understatement!) and he caaled the local 'Dibble' tih hoy us oot!  (ah would'nt iv minded, but ah was 'clammin', and ah had'nt even had mee f***** brekeez!)



Wih got on the coach and 'Monty' (who was lookin' a bit 'pissed off') took ahaad of the microphone at the front of the coach, an' blurted oot, "AALREET LADS!, WHO'S PINCHED THE BED OOT OF ROOM SEVENTEEN!?".



The bus was in uproar!--- ah meen!--- a'v heard of people thievin' towels, kettles and even portable tellys! oot of hotel rooms, but never a f*****' bed!. (It's not sommik that yih could hide up yih 'Toon top'!---is it?)



Apparently, some 'joker' had 'half inched' the bed oot of his mates room for a laugh, and had hid it in a 'bog' on the forst floor landin'!!. Just how he managed tih get the bed into the 'tool shed' is anybody's guess!??.



Anyway!-----the 'Dibble' eventually let us gan when they foond the missin' bed!, and we were given a police escort back tih the motorway by the Dorset Constabulary, who were glad tih see the back of us!. (So---nee doubt, was the hotel manager!)

                                       



And the moral of the story is:



NEVER!, EVER!, gan on a futbaal trip with a bunch of 'Radgies Gadgies' from Byker, Waalker or Waallsend!

---NOT! if yih want yih 'brekkeez' in the mornin', that is!!!. 



                                 

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