Wednesday 31 August 2011

THE CLOCK'S 'A' TICKIN'!

Posted '4:07 pm bells' (see clock!) Wednesday 31st August 2011

NEWCASIL CENTRAL STATION CLOCK---"TICK!-TOCK!-TICK-TOCK!"

There iz now just 6 hours and 53 minutes from the '11:00 pm bells' transfer deadline and there iz still ne news of the 'much needed' signin' of a centre forward to add to wor signin' of  left back Davide
Santon from Inter Milan and goalie Rob Elliot from Charlton---But fear not!---'The Geordie Times' will let yi naa straight away!? (probably half a day late!) if there are any fortha developments on the transfer front!

Remember!---"We'll bring yoo the latest news, second hand, forst!"

BENT NOSE McCARTHY WANDERERS RESORVES 1 THE TOON RESORVES 1

Uodated 'high noon bells' Wednesday 31st August 2011

The Toons second string played their forst competit-ive game of the season last neet when they travelled to deepest Shropshire to take on Wolves @ Bucks Head, Telford

We went behind orly on when James Spray tapped the baall into The Toon net past Sodenberg from close range, anly for  'Sammy Ami' to reply for 'us' before the break with a twenty yard shot

Midway through the 2nd half the home side were reduced to 10 men when Ebanks Landell was red carded for a bad challenge on Jeff Henderson but we couldn't tek advantage and had to be happy with a point.

Attendance: 365 (don't know how many Toon fans were there---yet!)

Footnote: 'The Geordie Times' wasn't there coz we visited this groond in 1996 when wor second string won 1-0
(For match report of THAT game---scroll doon this page!)
Resorves forthcomin' fixtures/venues and result(s) to follow later!

Tuesday 30 August 2011

NEW SIGNINGS--IT'S OFFICIAL!----------AND AWAY TICKET NEWS

Updated '3:30 am bells' Wednesday 31st August 2011
Inter Milan left back Davide Santon has signed for The Toon and a reported fee of five mill' has been quoted.
Goalie Rob Elliot has aalso signed from Charlton but there's ne mentioned as yet aboot a much needed centre forward! (less than 20 hours now, till the 'window closes'!)

AWAY TICKET NEWS
We have an allocation of 1,850 tickets for wor Monday neet game on the 12th Sept against QPRag & Bone Men (£40* gadgies & gorls) and an allocation of 2,711 for Villa on the 17th Sept (£43* gadgies & gorls) (*less for zimmerites & sprogs)

MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS!

Posted '4:00 am bells' ("Er!"---av been workin' nightshift again!") Wednesday 31st August 2011

Last neet The Toon resorves took on 'Bent Nose McCarthy Wanderers' resorves @ Bucks Head, Telford @ '7:00 bells'.
We drew 1-1 thanx to a fine equalisin' shot by Sammy Ameobi in front of a 'crowd' of 365
Aa didn't  gan coz av been there before to watch the resorves in the 1990's 

PS: A'v done a 'mini match report' from wor trip to Telford in 1996 and you can read it below

136 bucks head telford


(GROUND NUMBER 136)

DATE OF FIRST VISIT: 6th MARCH 1996

BUCKS HEAD, TELFORD


 
WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS RESERVES 0

NEWCASTLE UNITED RESERVES 1 (Darren Huckerby)


 
CENTRAL LEAGUE DIVISION ONE

ATTENDANCE: 687 (Estimated 50 Toon fans)


 
"CANDY FLOSS---TOFFEE APPLES AND 'SNAKE AND PIGMY PIES'!"


 



BUCKS HEAD WITH THE BUCKS HEAD BOOZER BEHIND!

Caall us sad bastards if yi like, but we'd never seen The Toon play at Telford before and so we HAD to gan! 'The Caped Crusader' picked us up in his 'batmobile' at 'ten to one bells' and we heeded for darkest Shropshire!

250 miles later, we arrived at 'The Bucks Head' pub which was reet next door to the ground (very handy indeed!) 'Indeed!', the 'Bucks Head groond' is named after the pub (so we were telt!) and to celebrate this we downed several pints of the very nice local liquid refreshment before staggerin' next door for a couple more in the Telford Supporters Club. (NOT! 'The Caped Crusader' I may add, as he had to drive us back as well, so he was anly allowed to drink orange!)


 
On enterin' the ground we couldn't believe wor eyes as 'Glen from Ashington' and 'Mark from Morpeth' (the otha two sad bastards in the 'batmobile!) pointed towards a small stall which was sellin' candy floss and toffee apples!?

It was a 'forst' for me coz of aall the matches a'v been te to see The Toon (well ower 1,000) it's the forst time (and probably last!) that a'v seen a candy floss stall at a futbaall groond!

Christ!---wih thought wih must have been on Tynemooth or Whitley Bay beach and one dickhead aged aboot thorty five and dressed in a Wolves top was gettin' stuck into his giant candy floss but 'I' (sensibly?) opted for a 'snake 'n' pigmy' pie instead in the tea hut, which was aboot 150 degrees centigrade and it nearly bornt mee tongue off as the red hot gravy ran doon mee face and chin! "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!"

It took the whole of the forst half to cool doon before aa could eerrit and oh!(by the way!) it was pretty poor fare on the pitch anyway and the sides went in goalless at half time!

The second half was a little bit better (and thankfully, so was mee tongue by then!) and produced the one and anly goal of the game to 'us' when Darren Huckeby hit a well struck shot past their keeper to seal the win and the three points for The Toons second string

The anly other incident of note was when Wolves centre back John De Wolf (canny name for a Wolves player!) was sent off for a bad challenge on Paul Kitson.


 
We finally arrived back yem at qwaata to one in the mornin' havin' ticked another one off the sad bastards list!


 
©Fink™ (the mad-sad grJundhJpper!)

Monday 29 August 2011

THE TOON 2 THE JACKSON JIVERS of FULHAM 1

Updated '1:00 pm bells' Monday 29th August 2011
"HELLO LEVEL 7!---IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE!"


An absoluteleee cr*p forst half with hardly any chances of note was the fare on show @ St James' in front of wot looked like a sub 40,000 crowd, not helped by the fact that 'The Jackson Jivers' of Fulham had brung fewer than 500 fans, who were huddled in the top reet hand corner of 'Level 7' in The Leazes End with the widest segregation gap a'v ever seen at any groond! (see photo above)

We started the second half off much better and took the lead at The Gallowgate End with just three minutes gone, when a shot from Yohan Cabaye was tipped onto the bar by Schwarzer their goalie, anly for the baall to faall in front of Leon Best who had the easy chance of tappin' it in from barely one yard oot!

Wor lead was doubled ten minutes later through Best again when a Demba Ba cross foond him and he unleashed a fierce laft footer to beat Schwarzer once again!

There were anxious moments at the end of the match when the visitors pulled one back through Dempsey in the 88th minute, followin' a free kick, to finally beat Krul in The Toon goal who had been ootstandin' throughout the match with several brilliant saves.
Referee Kevin 'Friend' torned oot to be anything but with several dodgy decisions, but we hung on to claim the three 'precious points'

Man of the match HAS to be Tim Krul

The win took us up to joint top for a brief period before the two Mancunian clubs spoilt it aall by 'narrow' wins against Spors and The Arse resectivelee (Man C won 5-2 at Spors and Man U 'just' beat The Arse 8-2!) 
We are currently in SIXTH place in the Premya Leeeg with three games played!

Attendance 42,684 (anly 433 'Jackson Jivers'!)
(We must have included season ticket holders who didn't torn up!?)
Average League attendance so far (2 games) 44,789 (Last season 47,718)

Sunday 28 August 2011

THE TOON v THE JACKSON JIVERS

Posted '9:15 am bells Sunday 28th August 2011

In the orly hours of this afternoon (1:00 bells!) we play Mohammad Al Fayed's  'Jackson Jivers' @ St James Park, but just why this untelevised game iz kickin' off at this time instead of  '3:00 bells' is anybodys guess?????.
(The match is on today coz they played in Europe on Thorsday)

This meens an orly pub crawl start to prepare for the match amd wor forst 'port o caall' will be 'The Union Rooms' to add anotha to wor 100 pub crawl list (see nav bar at top of page)

A low crowd is predicted and aa don't suppose that 'The Jivers' will have many fans in 'Level 7' and mee guess is that it will be aroond aboot the 40,000 mark
We could actually gan top of the League should we win by a big score (very unlikely!)
Aalso 'very unlikely' is the inclusion of Nile Ranger in wor squad, who was arrested in 'The Bigg Market' in the orly hours of Saturday mornin' for (allegedlee!) knockin' some kidda oot and breakin' his jaw! (Just like twitter 'Joey', anotha headline grabber for the wrang reason!)

Kevin 'Friend' is wor ref for today---lets hope he IZ !

Match reprt to follow later toneet!

Footnote: Bad news for 'Toonhoppers'  
We had a possible SEVEN new groonds to visit in the League Cup 3rd Roond draw, but (predicablee!) we drew Forest away---a groond we have been to many times before! 

Friday 26 August 2011

(G)ONE JOEY BARTON?---OFFICIAL!

Updated '7:15 am bells' Saturday 27th August 2011
"WELCOME TO SHEPHERDS BUSH--JOEY!"


It's official!--- 'Go'ey Barton has signed for 'the rag and bone men' from Shepherds Bush and has penned a lucrative fower year deal!
Just why he wants to gan to a club with just one third of wor support beats me, but 'the powers that be' at The Toon have made it very clear that they divvint want him here! ("Er!"---"mebeez sixty thoosand quid a week has 'twisted hiz arm' az well!")

Accordin' to 'Go'ey, they have more ambition than we do and have a new billionaire owner who is willin' to 'splash the cash' (if only we had one!?)

But to be fair, Shepherds Bush does have an array of designer clothes shops and posh restaurants that shud appeal to scouser 'Go'ey's expensive tastes!


SOMEWHERE IN SHEPHERDS BUSH MARKET! (HONEST!)


OH YES!---And his debut will be against!!!???----------"US!"----------YI COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!

Footnote: For those of you who are tooo young to remember, 'Steptoe & Son' was a very popular 1960's BBC comedy series aboot  father and son rag and bone men, who were based in the Shepherds Bush area of London, not far from Loftus Road!
(so!---nuw yi naa!)

SCUNNY 1 THE TOON 2 (After extra time) LEAGUE CUP 2nd ROOND

Posted '7:15 am bells Friday 26th August 2011

Despite wor best efforts to 'self destruct' The Toon eventually came through this one with a two one win in extra time @ Glanford Park in front of the live TV cameras.

We were absolutleee shockin' in the forst half and the home side took the lead in the 14th minute when Dagnell stabbed the baall past Tim Krul in The Toon goal.
It stayed that way until the the 80th minute when 'mackem hero' Ryan Taylor stepped up for a virtually identical free kick to his one five days previously to hammer the baall home into the corner of the net to send the 1,000 travellin' faithful behind that goal wild with delight.

Extra time beckoned and we took the lead in the 112th minute when 'super sub' Sammy Ameobi weaved aroond the Scunny defence to send an unstopable piledriver into the roof of the net givin' the home keeper 'ne chance!
This torned oot to be the winner and the 'Sky vultures' flew off into the night as we 'flew' back alang the 'M180' in antisipation of the thord roond draa on Saturday!
Attendance:4,408 (estimated 1,000 Toon fans)

Thursday 25 August 2011

SCUNNY v THE TOON---TONEET!

Posted '9:15 am bells' Thorsday 25th August 2011
"Season ticket holders & members only!"
Toneet we face 'Scunny' away in the League Cup @ their Glanford Park 'bus-shelter' groond (7:45 bells)and the match iz live on Sky

Because of the pitch invasion @ 'Darlo' in pre season, tickets were restricted to season ticket holders and club members only and NONE were on sale to the general public, with NO tickets on sale on the day of the match at 'Scunny' eetha!

I was in the ticket office on Tuesday afternoon and was told that anly 700 tickets had been sold of wor 2,500 allocation by then, and that 'Scunny' had anly selt 2,000 themsels!
(No tickets were available on Wednesday as we'd sent them back by then!?)

On one hand aa can see the clubs point, but to tar every non season ticket holder and non member with the same brush is very unfortunate indeed and it will be very interestin' to see just how many Toon fans are actually there Toneet?

Match report to follow when aa get back!

A'v done an archive match report from when we played them in the FA Cup back in 1974 @ The Old Show Groond and this iz posted below


028 old show ground scunthorpe


(GROUND NUMBER 28)
Date of First Visit: 30th JANUARY 1974
THE OLD SHOW GROUND, SCUNTHORPE

SCUNTHORPE UNITED 0
NEWCASTLE UNITED 3 (Barrowclough, MacDonald 2)

F.A. CUP FOURTH ROUND, REPLAY

ATTENDANCE 19,028 (est 3,000 Toon fans)



"STAND AND DELIVER!"






The thing ah remember most aboot this jorney tih deepest Lincolnshire, was the heated argument the bus driver had with this bloke, who demanded five pence (or whatever it was!) tih cross a toll bridge ower the River Ouse in Selby, on wor way tih the match.


The driver was gannin 'off it' and refused tih pay up at forst, but in the end he had tih 'cough up the lowwy' az the gadgy in the toll booth said that it would add thorty odd miles tih his jorney if he went the 'lang way roond!'---and!---besides, he could'nt get past the barrier across the road anyway!---and!---(on top iv aall that!), he was haadin aall the traffic up iz well---and!---had a half mile jam behind him!.

(Nee 'M62' in them days!)



"IT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY!", wor (nuw!) porple faced driver shouted at him, az he (literally!) hoyed 'the bit' in his direction!.

The toll barrier was then raised, but not before another volley of insults towards the toll collecter.

"WHAT'S YIH NAME--LIKE!---DICK F***** TURPIN!", he added sarcastically, az he revved the engine and drove the bus ower the bridge, nearly borstin' a blood vessel in the process!.



By the time he'd calmed doon, (aboot an hour later!) wi'd reached wor destination and parked up beside the groond.

After some 'gargels' in the local hostelries, it was time tih gan tih the match and aboot twenty of us mistakenly paid intih the 'Scunny' end.

(The match was'nt aall ticket)



Ah say 'mistakenly', coz their fans didn't take kindleee to wor presence and started kickin' doon the corrigated fence at the back of the 'shed' tih hoy at us, alang with bricks, stones an' the odd (empty!) bottle!.

In other words---they did'nt look too friendly! and it was time tih mek a 'sharp exit!', az we were ootnumbered by aboot twenty tih one- an' besides, ah had tih gan tih 'graft' the next day!.



We were escorted aroond the pitch by 'The Dibble', tih the Toon end behind the other goal just in time tih see the teams run oot.

This was a replay, az the forst match at St. James' had ended one's each with Terry McDermott gettin' wor goal in front of (just under) thorty nine thoosand.

This game was played in front of (just ower) nineteen thoosand who were shoehorned intih The Old Show Groond which was near the centre of 'Scunny'.





Two goals from Supermac and one from Stewee Barrowclough were enough to give us victory in a one sided game and wor visit to 'The Old Show' was NOT the cup shock that everybody had predicted.

After the match az wih left the hallowed delights of 'The Old Show', little realisin', that az well az wor forst visit, it would aalso be wor last visit there. (It's nuw (predictably!) a supermarket!)



The driver drove wih back---NOT!---via Selby and the dreaded toll bridge---BUT!---via York (where Dick Turpin actually came from!) and an extra thorty odd mile jorney intih the bargain!.

(And not a toll bridge tih be seen aall the way yem!)



("THE F***** TIGHT FISTED BASTARD!")





©Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)



Wednesday 24 August 2011

MUPPET & STEPTOE TICKET RIPOFF NEWS !

Posted '10:30 am bells' Wednesday 24th August 2011

'Geordie Times' club 
insider haz just informed us that wor trip to 'Steptoe & Son land' on Monday week will cost us the princelee sum of FORTY SEVEN QUID! to get in!
Not az much az the first reported FIFTY QUID we were origionally told, but still an ootragous amoont for a 'tuppence haapny club'!
(Perhaps they shud change their name to Queens Park Ripoffs!) (PS: "Err!" Just foond oot that their new owner haz dropped the ticket prices to a 'mere' FORTY QUID!) 

However! (and not to be outdone!) we have aalso hord that we WILL break the FIFTY QUID barrier for the forst time ever, when we gan to 'The Theatre of Muppets' in November to play The Cockney Reds!

Meanwhile! Villa are to charge us the ridiculously low price of anly FORTY THREE QUID to get into their place!

FOR THE FORST TIME EVER, YOO HORD THE NEWS FORST! IN 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'

Monday 22 August 2011

"TAKIN' THE P*SS!"

Updated '9:00 pm bells' Monday 22nd August 2011
"EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY!"

Followin' wor fantastic win in the 'High Noon' derby' , 'The Geordie Times' can exclusively report that there was fierce riotin' in sund'lind before, durin' and after the match!
It haz been wildly reported that 2,640 looters from 'The Toon' broke into the South Stand at the SOS on Saturday and took the anly thing worth takin'!?----------------------  "THE P*SS!"

Sunday 21 August 2011

TILL DEATH US DO PART!------BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S SMB's 0 THE GEORDIE BOYS 1 !

Posted '7:00 am bells' Sunday 21st August 2011
"ONE-NIL TO THE GEORDIE BOYS!"

Joyous news from The Stadium of "SSHHH!!!" (yee naa wot!) when a Ryan Taylor free kick flew into the net to seal a fantastic 1-0 win for The Toon against the SMB!
Apologies for not bloggin last neet but aa was rather ineeebreeated! az yi might guess, alang with the otha 2,639 Toon fans who were at the game! Attendance:47,751 (45,111 VERY! SMB!)

Special thanx to Alf Garnetts Travel for the fleet of 'luxury' school busses which ferried us to and from the match at less than snail like pace (10 mph max speed!) 

Az Alf would no doubt say---
"A TEAM IS FOR LIFE!---TILL DEATH US DO PART!"

I have to tell yoo however!, that the mackem manager was in defiant mood afta the match and he's penned this little ditty to rally the SMB troops!

"My name iz 'Broken Nose Bruce' and aa'll sing you a song!"
"We lost to The Mags by a goal to none!"
"I'm in dispair!--it's all gone wrong!"
"sund'linds a massive club!"

"Don't pick on me---or I'll tell my mam!"
"If you want a fight---I'll send Steve Cram!"
"We've got 'wearside Jack' -----celebrity fan!"
"sund'linds a massive club!"

Broken Nose Bruce 20th August 2011

A TOON FAN (not in picture!) CELEBRATES AFTA THE MATCH!

I've got to gan to work now---but much more to follow later toneet!---"YAHOOOO!!!"

Saturday 20 August 2011

HIGH NOON DERBY DAY!---SMB v THE TOON

Posted '7:45 am bells' Saturday 20th August 2011

The big day haz finally arrived and a'm off to a boozer within hocklin distance of St James' Park, (which aa carnt name, coz he's openin' orly!) for a few 'gargels', before catchin' the 10 mph 'tortoise travel' bus convoy to the SOS, for the high noon shootout!

Lets hope it's a goodin!

Match report to follow much later!

Friday 19 August 2011

HIGH NOON DERBY---TICKET FIASCO---ONE! DAY TO GAN!----------SMB v THE TOON derby match reports from 1967 & 1970

Posted (just after!) 'high noon bells' Friday 18th August 2011

Meesel, 'Grumpy Stumpy', 'Scott of the Antarctic' and 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' applied for seats together in the 'Friends and Family' ticket scheme and instead of sittin' together we are scattered aall aroond the away section of the SOS!???
I suppose we shud be grateful of even gettin' a ticket as 'Sarny Steve' has just 'text' to say that he hasn't even got his ticket yet, despite havin' ower THREE TIMES as many 'loyalty points' as needed to apply for one!

For my aan porsonal record and providin' aa get there?, this will be mee 41st consecutive League derby that aa'll have seen home and away since 1967.  
Me forst away derby was just before the torn of the new year in December '67' and aa'v reprinted the archive 'match report' from that game below!

(Scroll forther doon for the archive match report @ 'Joker' from 1970)

*ON THIS DAY in 1978 we played Millwaall in the notorious game @The Den which is still taalked aboot til this day ! (click on 'popular posts all time'  (045 the den, millwall) in the reet hand side thumbnail for match report >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Thursday 18 August 2011

BLACK AND WHITE DAFT---ISSUE 5

Posted '4:00 pm bells' Thorsday 18th August 2011

Issue 5 of the Toon fanzine 'Black and White Daft' iz nuw on sale and there's several articles aboot the forthcomin' derby on Saturday and it includes 'The Geordie Times' archive report of 'The Easter Uprisin' derby' from 1970.

It's on sale from The Back Page Shop, which iz opposite The Newcastle Arms in St Andrews Street and within eeezy 'hocklin distance' of St James' Park. It's well worth a reeeeed!

The Geordie Times 1970 archive report iz printed below! ( Scroll doon!)

HIGH NOON DERBY---TWO! DAYS TO GAN!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 18th August 2011


There are nuw exactleee 2 days to gan before 'the high noon shootout' @ The Stadium of "SSHHH!!!" (yee naa wot!) . This iz the 145th meetin' between the clubs and The Toon lead
57-45  (47 draws)

Wednesday 17 August 2011

HIGH NOON DERBY---THREE! DAY TO GAN!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 17th August 2011


It iz now exactleee 3 days to the 'high noon shootout' @ The Stadium of "SSHHH!" (yee naa wot!) and the 'prized' piece of paper bearin' a c**p crest has just landed on mee doormat!

Aye!---a'm one of the lucky few to have enough 'loyalty points' to get one (2,640 ticket allocation!) and to 'celebrate' this a'v done an archive match report from wor visit there in the 'Easter Uprisin' of 1970', when TEN THOOSAND! 'black 'n' whites' 'took the fulwell' aall those years ago! ("Nuw where did aa put mee 'zimmer'?")

Aa'll be publishin' this story sometime tomorrow in the run up to the big day!

Tuesday 16 August 2011

THE VULTURES ARE GATHERIN'!!!-----------('SCUNNY' TICKET NEWS!)

Updated '3:45 pm bells' Tuesday 16th August 2011
A TREE OOTSIDE GLANFORD PARK!

Tickets for The Toons forthcomin' League Cup
tie away to 'Scunny' are now on sale to season ticket holders. £19 for big kids £12 for zimmerframeites & £5 for little kids. 

The match is live on Sky telly on Thorsday 25th August @ '7:45 bells', no doubt because they are hopin' (and prEyin'!) for anotha cup humiliation!-----"ATTENTION!---THE 'SKY' VULTURES ARE CIRCLIN'!!!"
"SOMEWHERE OWER SCUNTHORPE!"

Sunday 14 August 2011

THE TOON 0 THE ARSE 0

Posted '9:00 am bells' Sunday 14th August 2011

The Toon secured a point in this goalless draa @ St James' in wot torned oot to be a bad tempered game.

There were two major taalkin' points in the game. Number one was when Joey Barton was stamped on by 'Song' reet in front of the ref linesman and 4th official but they AALL missed the incident??? and Song stayed on.

The second was when Arsenal's Gervinho dived in the Gallowgate End box and (again!) Joey Barton was involved, when he angrily pulled him to his feet and a fracas ensued and ended when Gervinho slapped wor number 7 in the face and Joey went doon 'like a sack of taaties'. The Arsenal man was susequently sent off and Joey was booked.

There were hardly any shots from us on target in the entire game and 'The Arse' were a shadow of the great side they used to be.

The crowd of under 47,000 will send shock waves to 'the powers that be', but wot do they expect when we sell nearly aall wor best players? 

Attendance: 46,984 (3,000 Arses)

The 100 Pub crawl report to follow later!

Saturday 13 August 2011

THE TOON v THE ARSE @ '5:30 bells'

Posted '9:30 am bells' Saturday 13th August 2011
VIEW FROM THE LEAZES END

The new Premya Leeeg season is aalmost upon us and it iz with great trepadation rather than antisipation that aall Toon fans fear for the comin' season, after the depletion of wor team, to be replaced by (mostly!) French foreign legionaires!

Lets hope (and pray!) that wor manager & owner have got it reet? or else we are in deep deep trouble!
The game is live on ESPN and tickets are still available!? 
The weather looks OK (sort of!) at the moment, unlike last Saturdays 'deluge' when we played 'waata polo' with Fiorentina!
(WEATHER ALERT!: Just spotted a big black cloud ower the groond!)
Match (& pub crawl!) report to follow much later as usual!

Friday 12 August 2011

NUFC GROUNDHOPPERS LEAGUE CUP NIGHTMARE!

Posted '7:00 am bells' Friday 12th August 2011

"NOT! AGAIN!"

There was the moothwaaterin' possibility of THORTEEN! new groonds for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' to visit in the League Cup 2nd roond draw, includin', Aldershot, Wycombe Wanderers and Rochdale! to name but three---but who do we get?----"BLOODY SCUNNY!"---Glanford Park is a groond we have previously visited TWICE! in the recent past, so it's very disappointin' to get them!   Tie to be played near the end of this month

In otha news, 'key player', Jose Enrique, haz, (as expected!) signed for the 'Liverbirds' for a reported fee of six 'mill', to forther deplete wor aalready weakened squad with just ONE day to gan before we kick off against 'The Arse' @ St James' late tomorrow afternoon!

'The Xisco Kid' iz aalso 'on his bike' and iz off to Deportivo in Spain for the thord time (in this case---good f*****' riddance!)

Thursday 11 August 2011

THE TOON v THE JACKSON JIVERS---FIXTURE CHANGE!

Posted '6:00 am bells' Thorsday 11th August 2011

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE RIVER THAMES!


Az  predicted by 'The Geordie Times',
'The Toons' forthcomin' fixture against 'The Jackson Jivers' @ St James' Park has been switched to '1:00 pm bells'? on Sunday 28th August, coz wor visitors are in action in the Europa League
and are away to (deep breath!)> Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk of the Ukraine on the previous Thorsday. (Just why the kick off has to be at this ridiculous time is beyond me!?--- it's not as though it's on live telly!)


CARLIN' CUP DRAW TONEET!

The draw for the 2nd roond of the Carlin' Cup takes place afta the Sheff Wed v Blackpool tie toneet!
A home draw would be preferable of course, but if not, a new groond for 'the NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' to visit!---- "PLEEEEZZZEE!"

Wednesday 10 August 2011

OBER THE MOON!

Posted 'one minute to midneet bells' Tuesday 9th August 2011


Winger, Gabriel Antoine Oberton is wor fifth! and latest French 'legionnaire' and has signed a five yor deal for a reported fee of 'three mill' from 'The Cockney Reds' of Salford.
He can aalso play in the centre of midfield and as a striker!

We bring you this news ower half a day late, but we ARE 'The Geordie Times' afta aall!

Remember wor motto: "WE'LL BRING YOOO THE NEWS, SECOND HAND, FORST!"






Monday 8 August 2011

THE MAD-SAD (& SICK!) GROUNDHOPPERS MATCH REPORT!

"HERE IT IZ AT LAST---"2 WEEKS LATE!"---THE ALMERE MATCH REPORT FROM HOLLAND!"

280 (veld 7) almere city, holland


(GROUND NUMBER 280)

Date of First Visit: 26th JULY 2011

VELD 7 (FIELD 7) FANNY BLANKERS KOEN SPORTS COMPLEX

(honest!---aa havvent made it up!---see photo below!)

ALMERE, HOLLAND



ALMERE CITY 3

NEWCASTLE UNITED XI 2 (Nile Ranger, Sammy Ameobi)

















FRIENDLY FIXTURE

ATTENDANCE: 280 (Estimated) (40 Toon fans)



"YOU'RE F*****' SICK!" (IN THE HEED!)


Az aa was havin' 'groond withdrawal symptoms' with havin' to miss wor tour of the USA, aa decided that aa MUST tek in at least ONE of wor pre seasons games in the 'second strings' tour of Holland and so alang with 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teecha'<(he told me how to spell it!) we set off for Leeds/Bradford airport at the ungodleee hour of three am bells' for a seventy quid bucket price flight to Amsterdam for the game against Almere City later on that day.(it was ower £200 from Toon airport!)



A few days orlier on the Saturday, aa was drivin' up the 'A1 M' in mee truck, comin' back from West Brom (from a bakery not the futbaall groond!) when aa got a phone call from 'Grumpy Stumpy' who was in Whitby to watch Whitley Bay in a friendly (which he neva went te coz he went 'on the hoy' instead!) and he asked if aa was in Holland for wor resorve game against Utrecht resorves on their trainin' groond.



"NO!" said I, "coz they're just playin' the game in a field , so a'm not gannin', but wor game against
Almere City on Tuesday is on a 'proper groond' and so a'm gannin' there instead with 'Mal'!"



There was a slight pause on the other end of the 'tellin bone', before he shouted drunkenlee at the top of his voice ----"YOU'RE F*****' SICK!" (meanin' that he thought aa was 'f*****' sick in the heed' for even thinkin' aboot gannin to Holland to watch the resorves in action!



Anyway!—fast forward to Tuesday and me and Mal arrived in Amsterdam and heeded for wor city centre hotel beside a canal (would you believe!) and dumped wor bags in reception as the room wasn't ready yet, but not before payin' the gadgie on the desk an extra five euros local tax he'd just 'invented'!

A twenty minute train ride to Almere, later, and we were 'on the hoy' in a boozer next to the station called 'The Amstel' (whey!---that's wot it said above the door!)



Traditional Dutch music was playin' through some speakers, (Paul McCartney, Queen, and The Rollin' Stones!) and at nine euros for two pints it was a bargain! (just under nine quid!)

From there it was 'nose-bag time' in a traditional Dutch eatery (McDonalds!) before heedin' for wor final destination ----the groond!

A bus was needed to get us there as it was two miles from Almere toon centre and we arrived in good time for plenty more 'gargels' in the local dives.

The anly problem was!---there wornt any!--- so we heeded for the main stand in the hope of a drink, where a familiar face could be seen in the distance in a black 'n' white striped top.



It was 'Glennn from Ashington' who had groundhopped to AALL the Dutch games and he telt us that the game WASN'T bein' played there, as they had a plastic pitch and The Toon had refused to play on it!


The (very!) bad news was!---That this meant that the game was now to be played on a grass trainin' pitch next to the ground on 'The Toons' insistence!


We could'nt believe it!----
AALL THAT F*****' WAY! to see a match in a F***** FIELD! was devestatin' news to both me and Mal, but at least they hadn't caalled the game off aaltogether!



We then heeded for the clubhouse ('to drown wor sorrows'!) which ironically owerlooked the plastic pitch but NOT the trainin' ground pitch, where the Almere players were sittin' taalkin' away in their tracksuits.

An older gadgie aalso in an Almere tracksuit came ower to us and thinkin' we were part of the official NUFC party who had just arrived on the team bus, he offered us some sarnies and light refreshments

We didn't naa who he was at forst, but as we had a bit 'crack' it torned oot that he was the team manager ('Dick De Boer' ne less!) and when we asked if we could have some beer instead of the orange juice on offer, he was taken aback and said that the barmaids wernt here yet and that they would 'sort us oot' later!



A few minutes later he asked us to leave as he was havin' a team taalk and he obviously didn't want us to pass any vital info to Peter Beardsley, wor resorve team manager!

As nen of us could speak Double Dutch anyway it was pointless askin' us to leave---but leave we did!
(Er!--The anly languages aa can porsonally speak are 'Fluent Geordie' & 'Broken English'!)



The NUFC kit man was unloadin' the team bus as we made wor way ootside and aa had a quick word with him as to why the team had endured a sixteen hour ferry jorney, rather than a one hour flight on their 'Tour of Holland'.

He said that it was cheaper to de it that way, bringin' the team bus across as well, which made me think?----are we a Premier League Club with 50,000 fans or a NORTHERN Premier League club with 500 fans? ie: ARE WE REALLY THAT HARD UP!?



The Almere players and Manager than appeared after their team taalk and so we heeded back to the clubhouse for a quick couple of 'liquids' (BEER! this time as the barmaids had shown up!) before heedin for field next door!




"THE FIELD OF NIGHTMARES!"




Joey Barton in action @ Veld 7------the main ground is where the floodlights are! 

Things didn't start off well on 'Veld 7' (Field 7, where the match was bein' played!) as the home side knaan as 'The Sheepheads' took the lead within a minute of the start afta sloppy Toon defendin'.

It got worse six miutes later when Almere doubled their lead and we were now on the 'back foot'!

Nile Ranger pulled on e back at the other end with a fine effort but it remained 2-1 to the hosts at half time.





'The Sheepheads' restored their two goal advantage midway through the second half when Joey Barton fouled one of their forwards in the box and the home side convorted the resultin' penalty through Meulens. Before that the rain had belted doon for a few minutes to drench us (as of course there was ne cover in the field!) but thankfully it then eased off !

Sammy Ameobi reduced the arrears near the end with a tap in, but we couldn't get another, although Ranger came close in the final minute to levellin' the game



This was mee 280th ground watchin' The Toon and as coincidence would have it, there were 280 spectators present (aye!---we coonted them!)



After the match it was back to the toon centre for some more 'gargles' in 'The Amstel', where we bumped into some Geordie exiles who lived and worked nearby.
One of them telt us that he worked in a fork lift truck factory (where he sprayed fork lift trucks) and that one of the Almere players AALSO worked there, which somehow made wor defeat even worse! (ie: beaten by somebody who sprayed fork lift f*****' trucks for a livin'!)

It was nice and peaceful as we sat lookin' into the toon square as we supped wor liquids, but before lang 'wor peace' was shattered when two rival gangs of 'African decent' started arguin' as they gulped cans of lager doon doon their 'john o groats' as they sat on a waall next to a fountain in the main square.

Punches were thrown by one of them, which knocked doon one of his rivals. Then a lass broke a bottle and jestured that she was gannih hit one of them with it before the local 'Dibble' rode to the rescue to quieten things doon!



When they left, it aall 'kicked off' again as they waalked doon the street threatinin' each other once again! By this time it was time to heed back to wor digs in Amsterdam, but not before catchin' the last drinks in the city centre!





"HI! HO!---HI! HO!---MIND YI HEED AZ YI GO!"





After an expensive thirteen euros for a 'Jack Daniels' and a 'large lager' in 'The Old Quarter bar' next to the CC Hotel, where we were stayin' in the seedy end on toon, it was time to retire as we were completeleee 'cream crackered' by this time havin' risen at 'two am bells' and we heeded for wor rooms on the top floor up a spiral staircase.

The room as we soon foond oot was built into the 'A' shaped slopin' roof where the anly place that yih couldn't bang yer heed was reet in the centre and ANY deviation meant a 'heedbangin' if yi wornt careful!
The beds were reet beside the roof with not much heedroom there eetha and 'the toolshead' was even worse as a sat on the netty with mee heed to one side to avoid the slantin' roof!

The wash basin was aalso at an angle and to get a wash aa had to stand OOTSIDE in the main room and as for the SHOWER?---yi'd have to be a *'contortionist' to get one so we didn't botha tryin'!

(*Aa asked Inglish skool teecha Mal how to spell this and wrote it doon on a beer mat ---'CONTORSONIST' (NIL! oot of ten for spelllin'!---and divvint forget!---he's an INGLISH skool teecha!) ("Er!"---mee computaa 'spell checka' corrected it!)

The truth is that 'THE SEVEN DWARFS' would stuggle not to bang their heeds in this place and halfway through the neet as aa torned ower in bed aa cracked me elbow on the ceilin', nearly breakin' it, as let oot a very loud "AAAaaaRRRgggGGHHhhH!!", wakin' Mal up in the process!



As there were ne 'brekkies' in the room price, we heeded for reception the next mornin' to check oot. "Room 47!", Mal said as the gadgie looked on his computaa. "THE DWARFS ROOM!", aa added sarcastically as he looked at me, not understadin' wot aa meant!

"There's SEVEN EUROS to pay for food and drink!", he said as me and Mal looked at each other disbelivinglee for the second time that day. "BUT WE HAVVENT HAD ANY FOOD OR DRINK!", we replied angrily in unison, as he checked his computaa once again. (7 Euros for the dwarfs perhaps?)

He 'reluctantly agreed' that 'we were reet' and we checked oot withoot havin' to pay anymore 'TAX' and we made wor way back to the train station and then onward for the flight yem!

TO SUM UP!—we didn't gan to the Utrecht game on the Saturday, because it was bein' played on a trainin' ground next to their main stadium, but that's EXACTLY wot we got in Almere!--------



"YI COULDN'T POSSIBLY MAKE IT UP!"

 

ON THIS DAY!---THE 8th OF THE 8th, 88 !

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 8th August 2011
THE TAY BRIDGE---DUNDEE
On this day 23 years ago, meesel and 'Sensible Tony' heeded for 'Bonny Scotland' for a friendy fixture against Dundee @ Dens Park!

'MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS'  MATCH REPORT BELOW!

Sunday 7 August 2011

THE AALL BLACKS 0 THE VIOLA 0---MATCH ABANDONED DUE TO WAATERLOGGED PITCH!

Updated '3:00 pm bells' Sunday 7th August 2011
WA(A)TERGATE 2---"NO!---IT'S NOT FOG!---IT'S RAIN!"

"THE 'WA(A)TERGATE 2 FIASCO'!"

Yet another farce in the build up to the new season when the predicted thumder, lightnin' and torrential rain desended onto the St James' Park pitch (and stands!) in wor final pre season friendly against Fiorentina of Italy as The Toon ran oot in their 'aall blacks' change kit.
PRESIDENT NIXON--- WATERGATE 1  

After just six minutes Tim Krul in the Toon goal slid aboot ten yards on the surface waata 'like a jet skier' and from then on the deluge continued.

Play was finally halted in the 63rd minute when the players could hardly keep their feet and were in danger of injuries on the now flooded 'waata polo' pitch, so the ref caalled a halt to the 'goals free' fiasco as the downpour continued.

Just another day in the life of some (very wet!) Toon fans who braved the elements to watch this!

Attendance: Just 12,656 includin' 25 diehard Viola fans huddled in one corner of The Leazes End!
(ne doubt wishin' that they were back in sunny Italy!)


THE 100 PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE!
A TOON FAN STANDS WITH HIS ARMS
OOTSTREACHED IN THE DOORWAY
OF 'THE NEWCASTLE ARMS' -----
"IZ IT STILL RAININ'?--"LIKE?"--HE ASKS!

We are to attempt to de sommik that we think that nebody has EVER done before!----We are to 'attempt' to visit 100 pubs and clubs within waalkin' distance of St James' Park this season and we visited SIX of them yesterday before and after the 'waatergate fiasco'.

The truth is--we divvint naa if there ARE 100 'drinkin dens' within' waalkin' distance of the groond----so!---there's anly one way to find oot!---IS'NT THERE! 

More to follow on this later!

Saturday 6 August 2011

THE TOON v THE VIOLA

Posted '11 am bells' Saturday 6th August 2011
ST JAMES' ON A SUNNY DAY!---NOT! TODAY A'M AFRAID!

Today we play wor final and one and anly home pre season friendly game @ St James' against 'The Viola' (The Violets') of Fiorentina who finished ninth in 'Serie A' last season

Wor £65,000 a week  'twitterman' wont be involved of course, but Jose Enrique is expected to start, despite him bein' 'insulted' by 'The Toons' 'allegedly'? reported £50,000 a week new pay offer! ("How the hell could you manage on that!?")

Thunder storms are brewin' ower Tyneside and aa divvint just meen wots happenin' at the club! as a 'very wet day' is invisaged for those of us heedin' for the groond @ 'three bells' this afternoon!
"It's 'chuckin it doon' as I write this!")

Damp match report to follow later!


THE PIT YAKKERS 1  TOON RESORVES 2
Last neet the second string played their last pre season game as well and won 2-1 at Woodhorn Lane against Ashington from The Northern League.
Brad Inman opened wor accoont in the sixth minute with a shot from the edge of the area and then in the 17th minute Phil Airey was 'clobbered' by an Ashington defender in the box and he convorted the resultin' penalty himsel.

There was ne more score til 'the death' when 'The Pit Yakkers' got a consolation goal from a free kick scored by Craig Scott.

Attendance: 1,242 (nearly double the last time we were here and mostly Toon fans)

Friday 5 August 2011

IT'S MARMITE TIME FOLKS!

Posted '10:15 bells' Friday 5th August 2011

A 'FLOORED' 'JENAS'!?

More derogatory 'twits' from 'Joey' have infuriated     'The Fat Controller' and  'Llambs to the Slaughter' and a free transfer has been granted forthwith! (We're just TWO DAYS behind with the news this time!)

One 'Ronny Gill' reporter (Evenin' Chronicle) ridiculousleee caalled him a flawed genius!---Well! he certainly 'floored' somebody in Liverpool a while back with a 'knockoot punch' and 'genius' is way!, way! ower the top!
(He's more in the Jermaine 'JENAS' bracket rather than 'Beardo', 'Gazza' or 'Ginola'!)

At the end of the day (just like marmite!) you eetha love him or hate him! (but we bloody well need him!---such is wor predicament!)

SHEEPHEADS MATCH REPORT---APOLOGY!

Posted '9:30 am bells' Friday 5th August 2011

Aa said last week that aa would post the full Almere  
City
'sick ground-hoppers' match report from Holland this week, but unfortunately because of work commitments (aa didnt finish til one this mornin' and have to gan back in at dinnertime!) it wont now appear til next week, as aa divvint have the time to de it at the moment.  GROVELLIN APOLOGEEEEZ!

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