GEORDIE TIMES *** MAJOR TROPHY QUIZ

Posted '1:15pm bells' Wednesday 28th May 2014

How many different teams have won a major domestic trophy since NUFC last won one in 1955???

We will give yoo the answer tomorrow afternoon sometime!

Divvint 'Google it'! --take a guess?---- ne cheeetin'!

WORLD TOP 20 BEST SUPPORTED CLUBS *** AVERAGE GATES 2013-2014

Posted '8:10pm bells' Monday 26th May 2014

ST JAMES' PARK *** HOME OF THE WORLDS 13th BEST SUPPORTED CLUB!
(VIEW OF 'THE GALLOWGATE END' FROM ST JAMES' METRO STATION)

'The Geordie Times' stat man haz looked up the latest world average gates and 'The Toon' are (still!) in 13th place! 
Anly one non European team iz the top 20 (River Plate), which haz been totally dominated recently by European teams.
Az yoo can see Borussia Dortmund are by far and away the worlds best supported club!

The Top 20 List:

1 Borussia Dortmund (Jawmany) *** 80,297
2 The Manc Muppets (England) *** 75,207
3 Barcelona (Spain) *** 71,958
4 Bayern Munich (Jawmany) *** 71,000
5 Real Madrid (Spain) *** 70,754
6 Schalke 04 (Jawmany) *** 61,569
7 The Arse (England) *** 60,013
8 Borussia The Munchin' Gladbachs (Jawmany) *** 52,239
9 Hertha Berlin (Jawmany) *** 51,889
10 Hamborg (Jawmany) *** 51,825
11 Ajax (Holland) *** 50,907
12 Stuttgart (Jawmany) *** 50,498
13 The Toon (Geordieland!) *** 50,395
14 River Plate (Argentina) *** 48,000
15 The Manc Blue Moonies (England) *** 47,080
16 Eintracht Frankfurt (Jawmany) *** 47,052
17 Glasgaay Celtic (Scotland) *** 46,808
18 Atletico Madrid (Spain) *** 46,746
19 Inter Milan (Italy) *** 46,246
20 FC Koln (Jawmany) *** 46,235

(For more Toon attendance 'stats' scroll doon the page!)

NORTH EAST ENGLAND TOP 20 BEST SUPPORTED CLUBS *** AVERAGE GATES 2013-2014

Posted '8:25pm bells' Sunday 25th May 2014


ST JAMES' PARK *** HOME OF THE NORTH EAST'S BEST SUPPORTED CLUB!
(LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE MILBURN STAND FROM THE EAST STAND)


Below iz the list of the top 20 best supported north east clubs! (average gates)
Az per usual 'The Toon' are the best supported!

1 The Toon *** 50,395
2 The SMBs *** 41,090
3 The Smoggies *** 15,748 
4 The Monkey Hangers *** 3,723
5 Darlo *** 1,097
6 The Heedbangers *** 885
7 Berwick Strangers *** 468
8 Spennymoor Toon *** 430
9 The Spartans of Blyth *** 360
9 The Whitley Bay Watchers *** 299
10 Bishops *** 245
11 North Sheeelds *** 233 
12 The Pit Yakkers of Ashington *** 226
13 West Auckland Toon *** 218
14 Consett the Coldest Place on Earth *** 190
15 Shildonians *** 187
16 The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston 176
17 By Hook or by Crook *** 147
18 A'm gonna leave old Durham Toon (City!) *** 136
19 Aycliffe *** 129
20  Billy Sinners *** 119
 

UK TOP 20 BEST SUPPORTED CLUBS *** AVERAGE GATES 2013-2014

Updated '11:35am bells' Monday 26th May 2014

ST JAMES' PARK *** HOME OF THE UKs 3rd BEST SUPPORTED CLUB!
(VIEW OF THE MILBURN STAND FROM BARRACK ROAD)
(Note the size of the red double decker bus in comparison to the stand!)

Below iz a list of the top 20 supported clubs in the old UK last season!
'The Toon' az per usual are in thord place!

1 The Manc Muppets *** 75,207 (2nd highest in the world)
2 The Arse *** 60,013 (7th highest in the world)
3 The Toon *** 50,395 (13th highest in the world!)
4 The Manc Blue Moonies *** 47,080 (15th highest in the world)
5 Glasgaay Celtic *** 46,808 (18th highest in the world)
6 The Liverbirds *** 44,671 (24th highest in the world)
7 Glasgaay Rangers *** 42,938 (28th highest in the world)
8 The Chelski OAPs *** 41,482 (32nd highest in the world)
9 The SMBs *** 41,090 (33rd highest in the world)
10 The Toffee Noses *** 37,732 (40th highest in the world)
11 The Hazbeenz & Villians *** 36,081 (world position not known?)
12 Sporz *** 35,808
13 The Jellied Eels Mob *** 34,197
14 Sooothampton *** 30,212
15 Cardiff Red Herrings *** 27,430
16 The Canary Custard Crumbles *** 26,805
17 The P*ss Potters *** 26,137
18 The Baggie Troosers *** 25,194
19 Leeedz *** 25,088
20 The Basil Brush Brigade *** 24,995

STEPTOE & SON! **** "COMIN' SOOON!"

Posted '9:04 pm bells' Saturday 24th May 2014


"THE CELEBRATIONS HAVE STARTED IN
 'SHEPHERD'S BUSH' AALREADY!!!"


QPRs 1-0 win ower 'The Derby Coonty Sheeps*aggers' in the Championship Play Off final @ Wembley today, meeenz that we must heed for the Shepherd's Bush area of London once again after a one year absence to face 'arry's  Rag and Bone Men'!

They replace 'The (relegated!) Jackson (less!) Jivers of Fulham' from that part of the capital, and visits to Bornley and 'The Bazil Brush Brigade of Leicester', make up the teams to retorn to 'The Premyaa' next season!

"THE 'REAL' DEAL!"

Posted '2:33 bells' Friday 23rd May 2014

"THE 'DADDY' OF AALL FUTBAALL CLUBS!"

'The Geordie Times' haz just foond oot that we are to have Spanish opposition in wor one and anly pre-season home game against!----------Wait for it!--------------------------------------------------------------
--REAL!!!!!!--- "Er!" ---SOCIEDAD!!!!

The game will tek place @ St James' on Sunday 10th August with a '1:30 bells' kick off!

"OVER-SEAZ IZ THE BEE'Z KNEEZ!"

Posted '2:10pm bells' Friday 23rd May 2014

For the forst time in the history of The Univorse, 'The Geordie Times' haz now had more owerseaz pageviews on this website than pageviews from the old UK

Owerseaz 'hits'***56,856
UK 'hits'***********56,711
Total 'hits'********113,567

We thank each and every one of yoo from Mexico to Mars for loggin' into this daft blog!

Cheers!

FINK (the mad-sad groundhopper!) and the rest of 'the team'!

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

"THOSE WERE 'THE DAYS' MY FRIEND!" *** QUIZ ANSWER!

Posted '1:27pm bells' Wednesday 21st May 2014


BOBBY MITCHELL SCORES THE TOON'S 3rd GOAL
TO SEAL VICTORY IN THE 1955 FA CUP FINAL
(WOR LAST EVER DOMESTIC TROPHY!
FINAL SCORE 3-1)

'The Geordie Times' computaaa went into meltdown at the sheer number of replies we got to wor quiz question yesterday (whey! ONE actually!)
The answer to yesterday's 'Geordie Times' quiz question of:
"How many days iz it since NUFC last won a major domestic trophy!"---IZ!:

21,563 days withoot a major domestic trophy!
(we got it horribly wrang! az we worked it oot at a mere 21,087!)

'Alex of St George' haz corrected us and wins the forst prize!--- Which iz!: He MUST! attend EVERY! NUFC home and away game next season!
(He haz since threatened to jump off the Tyne Bridge!)


An NUFC club spokesman said: "The Fat Controller' iz absolutely delighted that we have passed the '20,000 days mark' withoot a domestic trophy!"
"It makes Arsenal's 3,283 days withoot a trophy pale into insignificance, compared to our magnificent total!"

"Our ambition now is to pass the '25,000 days mark' and we hope to do it by signing 'on loan' and 'free transfer' players and play wor second team/juniors in the 'cups'!" 

"THOSE WERE 'THE DAYS' MY FRIEND!"

Posted '12:40pm bells' Tuesday 20th May 2014

WEMBLEY 1955

Last Friday az aa drove me truck doon to the Bormingham area once again, an 'Arsehole' fan from Melbourne in Australia came onto 'Talk Sport' and telt anybody who cared to listen with hiz 'sob story' that 'The Arse' had went 3,283 days since they had last won a domestic trophy! (9 years plus)

It got me 'finkin'???? how many days waz it since 'The Toon' won a domestic trophy???? The last one bein' the FA Cup ower 59 years ago on May 7th 1955!

Whey!---and usin' mee calculator on mee 'tellin bone', (and fingers and toes!) aa worked it oot! (including leap years!)

How many days do YOO 'fink' it iz ???? (includin' today!)

Ne cheatin' to work it oot yisel, mind!

It's one of the followin' five answers:
See if yoo can guess which one?????

"IZ IT!":
1: 14,988 ?
2: 15,701 ?
3: 18,005 ?
4: 20,805 ?
5: 21,087 ?

Aall give yiz the answer tomorrow--sometime! (NE CHEEETIN'!)
       

THE HEEDBANGERS 1 THE CAMBRIDGE BOAT RACERS 2 *** CONFERENCE PLAY OFF FINAL @ WEMBLEY

Posted '2:13pm bells' Monday 19th May 2014


HEEDBANGERS FANS CELEBRATE JACK LESTER'S GOAL!


"HEARTACHE FOR HEEDBANGERS!"

It' just wasn't to be, az 'The Heed' lost 2-1 to Cambridge in a lacklustre game @ Wembley in front of 8,000 plus Heedbangers and 10,000 plus 'Boat Racers'!

It waz a gloriously hot sunny day doon in 'London toon' az the train, packed with Heedbangers and fans of othaa north east clubs descended on King's Cross!

'THE BOAT RACERS' OOTSIDE 'THE GLOBE'!

The pubs though aroond Baker Street tube station like 'The Globe' were packed with Cambridge fans and the boozer we started off in, namely 'The Alsop Arms' waz aalso full of them, with just a few 'Heedbangers' in attendance---mainly wor motley crew!

We then moved on to Willseden Junction which iz just a couple of stops from Wembley for the final gargels before the match in 'The Royal Oak' before catchin the tube to Wembley Central!

It waz bakin' hot az we waalked up to the stadium and on enterin' aa could see that it waz a 100 times better than the old Wembley which aa last visited in 2000 for a Toon FA Cup semi against Chelski (we lost of course!)

'The Boat Racers' seemed to have slightly more fans than Gatesheed who's numbers were swelled by quite a few Toon fans wearin' the Black n white stripes! <("love thy neighbour!")

'The Heed' started off sluggishly and couldn't break doon the Cambridge defence az they attacked the 'East End' on the far side from us---They wornt any better, but then Gatesheed stepped up a gear in the 2nd period of the half, but withoot success, and the teams went in 'even Stevens' at the break!---it waz anybodys game!

The 2nd half started with a few attacks from Cambridge and they made the vital breakthrough in the 51st minute when Liam Hughes 'heeded home' past 'The Heed' keeper Adam Bartlett after a cross from Ryan Donaldson <(an ex Toon and Heed player!)

Then in the 70th minute Donaldson again broke Tyneside hearts with a magnificent free kick into the corner of the net!

The Heedbangers didn't give up though and Jack Lester pulled a goal back with just a few minutes remainin' az the Heed fans celebrated wildly, waving flags and settin off smoke bombs! ---But it waz to ne avail az the Cambridge keeper timewasted and then a bad injury to one of their players (who waz stretchered off!) forced 7 minutes of stoppage time with The Heed lookin' frantically for the equaliser to force extra time!---it wasn't to be though and the ref blew for full time to condemn them to at least anothaa season in The Conference!---next time maybeez???

Attendance: 19, 613 (8,000 broken hearted Heedbangers!)

      

"WEMBLEY!---WEMBLEY!---HERE WE COME!"

Posted '12:48 bells' Saturday 17th May 2014

"IZ THAT THE TYNE BRIDGE!?"

Tomorrow mornin' we 'heed' to Wembley in support of Gatesheed in their quest to get back into the Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence!
8,000 plus 'Heedbangers' (90% of them 'gloryhunters' like us!) will be 'waalkin' the waalk' doon Wembley Way tomorrow afternoon and at least the same number of Cambridge fans will be makin' the same jorney!
(kick off '4 bells')

We can anly hope that 'The Heedbangers' can de it and claim back their rightful place in leegue futbaall (They were shamefully voted oot in 1960, despite finishin' 3rd bottom, with the bottom 2 clubs, namely Hartlepools and Soothport below them , both re-elected!)

We are on the '7:45 bells' train to King's Cross and a glorious day iz expected--on and off the pitch! <(fingers and toes crossed!)

A full Geordie Times match and boozer report will follow sometime on Monday!
"HOWAY THE HEED!"

"HEEDIN' OFF TO WEMBLEY!"

Posted '2:15pm bells' Friday 16th May 2014

In celebration of Gatesheed's trip to Wembley on Sunday we have 'dug up' this archive from the distant past, when The Toon played The Heed @ Redheugh Park in Gatesheed some 44 years ago!

There'll be more to follow on the Wembley trip tomorrow!

012 redheugh park gateshead

(GROUND NUMBER 12)

Date of First Visit: 9th FEBRUARY 1970

REDHEUGH PARK, GATESHEAD

GATESHEAD 1 

NEWCASTLE UNITED XI 2 (McGovern 2)  (2nd goal assisted by  'Fink'!)

FRIENDLY FIXTURE---ATTENDANCE 2,717

 

REDHEUGH PARK 1970

”I HAD A DREAM!”

"IT’S ‘FINK’ TO ALLEN!”------“HE CROSSES IT TO McGOVERN!”---

“GGGOOOOAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!"

Situated in the 'Teams' area of Gatesheed, Redheugh Park started oot as a greyhoond stadium before South Shields Adelaide F.C. moved there, 'lock stock and barrel' in 1930, and changed their name tih Gateshead F.C.

The reason they moved was simple. It was because of low crowds at their Horsley Hill groond in 'Shields', but!---the move did'nt work because of one reason.

As St. James' Park was little ower a mile away across the Tyne, fans stayed loyal tih the Toon, rather than follow their 'instant' new club from the 'Teams' that had suddenly appeared on their doorstep!. (old habits die hard!)

                                           

In todays world, it's easy tih see why it did'nt work. Lets take a hypothetical look at what could happen nuw.

Because of poor gates, Michael Knighton, the former Carlisle United chairman, (him of 'space invaders' fame!) decides tih buy a futbaall club and relocate it to Brough Park Greyhoond Stadium in the 'East End' of Newcastle, coz he believes that Tyneside is big enough tih support two League teams, and he renames the club 'Newcastle East End F.C.'!.

Question: Would the good folk of Byker, Heaton and Waalker, desert the 'Black 'n' Whites' tih follow their 'new club'???.

Answer: NEE WAY!---of course they would'nt!. But!---that's exactly what the Sooth Shields board thought would happen at Gatesheed.

It did'nt!---and they struggled on for thirty years on low crowds, before they were finally kicked oot the League in 1960, after failin' tih gain re-election when they finished third bottom of the old Fourth Division.

(In them days, the bottom fower teams had tih apply, 'cap in hand' to the other clubs, for re-election!)

(The bottom two teams, on the other hand, who were Oldham and Hartlepools, were BOTH! re-elected!)

Apparently---Tyneside was too far 'NORF' to travel for wor 'southern based cousins', so poor old Gatesheed 'got the chop'!, which everybody at the time agreed, was the biggest travesty of justice in the history of the Futbaall League!.

It was even rumoured at the time, that Newcastle had voted against them, coz they did'nt want any competition!, which is hard tih believe, as on one day in March 1952 for example, anly 484 'hardy souls' torned up for a League match against Accrington Stanley!.

(Newcastle's average gate for that season was 50,766!)

                                           

Anyway!---before yih start cryin' in yer beer!, and to avoid borin' the 'pants off yih', aall change the subject an' tell yih aboot the match!, which torned oot tih be one of the last ever tih be played at Redheugh Park.

                                           

Redheugh Park waz a canny little groond and  with three sides covered it actually had more cover than St. James’ at that time! (Anly the aad West Stand and The Leazes End were covered back then!)

Behind the goal closest to ‘The Teams’ area of Gatesheed someone had had spay painted---‘TERRACE END RAZOR GANG’ in huge letters on the back of the terrace wall which was not the most welcomin’ sign for visitin’ supporters, but the groond was in a rough part of toon

The Newcastle team that neet included a mixture of forst team and reserve players, and ah remember (for good reason!) that Geoff Allen was playin' on the wing.

Gatesheed, who were then in the Northern Premier League, scored forst after five minutes when 'one' Arthur Lumsdon converted a penalty.

The Toon hit back after 18 minutes when Phil McGovern, a £15,000 signin' from Albion Rovers, headed a tremendous equaliser.

Durin' the second half, ah was sittin' on a waall behind the scoreboard end goal, next tih the old greyhoond track, when the baall was booted high into the air towards the corner flag.

It was headin' straight for iz, so ah decided tih try an' catch it, but ah was dazzled by the floodlights as the baall came doon.

Ah kept mee 'mincers' on the baall, and even though ah was half blinded, ah managed tih catch it! (nearly faallin’ backwards ower the waall in the process!)

A'd actually touched the match baall!---ah was in a complete daze and just sat there for a few seconds, rooted tih the spot with the baall in mee hands, when!---Geoff Allen came chargin' ower and started wavin’ hiz arms aboot and screamin' arriz, tih give 'im the baall, sharpish, so that he could tek a quick corner!.

Geoff waz ‘ruddy faced’ tih start with and he went bright red with anger az AH! waz the one who waz haadin’ the game up, az far az he waz concerned!

After a’d stopped shakin’, ah quickly hoyed the baall to him (before HE! hoyed ME! off the waall!) and he took the corner kick. He centred it intih the box and it went straight tih Phil McGovern, who rifled the baall into the net for the winnin' goal!.

“YYYEEEESSSSS!!!!!”

Ah was on 'cloud nine', as ah felt that by touchin' the baall, a'd somehow contributed towards the victory!??.

                                           

Believe you me---ah went yhem a 'VERY HAPPY CHAPPY!' that neet!

 

Later on that year, some 'Toe-Rags' burnt the aad wooden main stand doon, but Gatesheed were'nt covered by any insurance and they could'nt afford tih rebuild it, and tragically the club folded.

Redheugh Park was left tih the mercy of the local 'unofficial' demolition squad, who preceded tih smash up what was left of the stand, and it was in a sorry state by the time the 'official' demolition squad finally moved in with their bulldozers and razed it tih the groond!.

A very sorry endin', if ever there was one!.

                                           

“

On a brighter note, Gatesheed reformed in the mid-seventies and moved in tih the Youth Stadium (later renamed, The International Stadium) on the other side of the town, where amazingly, for the second time in their history, they joined forces with the 'Sand-Dancers' from Sooth Shields, who were forced tih re-locate the eight miles alang the Tyne, once again?.

('Shields' had been hoyed oot of their Simonside Hall groond tih mek way for a bloody hoosin' estate!)

They formed a new club caaled, Gateshead United F.C.

(A definate case of de'ja' vu, if ever there was one!)

                                           

 

'Five a side' pitches were built on top of the aad Redheugh Park in the 'early nineties', when 'PITZ SUPER SOCCER' built a sports club on the site, so at least futbaall iz still played there!.

                                          

“

As John McEnroe would nee doubt say:

"THIS PLACE IS THE PITZ!"-----sic!.

                               

 

"NO ONE LIKES US!" *** "WE DON'T CARE!"

Posted '1:16pm bells' Thorsday 15th May 2014

The above line iz taken from a Millwaall song, but in this case it iz NUFC who are singin' it to the fans of wor great club!

THE BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'

The club had reiterated <(we hate that F*****' word!) that survival in The Premyaa Leegue takes aall presidents ower everythin' else and that 'The Fat Controller's' 'puppet on a string' 'I Beg Your Pardew', will indeed be wor manager/spokesman/dogsbody, come wot may ower the next 12 months!

The 'cups' again are of NO priority and we will NOT be attemptin' to win any, az this of course will 'interfere' with wor survival plans!

We are aalso telt that we CANNOT compete with the likes of Liverpool and will have to live within our means, despite bein' in the top 20 'world rich list' and bein' the 12th best supported futbaall club on the planet! <("Pass the beggin' bowl pleeeze!")

Where do we gan from here!---whey! Wembley with Gatesheed on Sunday for starters!---NUFC certainly won't get the chance to gan there next season!---that's a CERTAINTY!

Much more to follow on Gatesheed and 'The Heedbangers Army' Wembley trip ower the next couple of days! 

NUFC v SAFC *** PREMYAA LEEGUE GATES THIS SEASON

Final update: '1:28pm bells' Wednesday 14th May 2014


ST JAMES' PARK *** HOME OF THE NORTH EAST'S LOYALIST FANS!?
YOU DECIDE!

Az mentioned previously, safc fans are claimin' that they are just az loyal az nufc fans and because of this 'The Geordie Times' statttistician <(we can spell aall the big words!) haz published below the Premiership attendances of both clubs for this season from the 'highest' to 'lowest' from the 38 home games between the two clubs!



Key:
nufc in white
safc in pink

The NUFC v SAFC Premyaa Leegue final attendance table
2013-2014


Updated Monday 7th April 2014 

1 nufc v safc 52,280 (5,967 more than safc got against 'us'!)
2 nufc v arsenal 52,161 (13,106 more than safc v arsenal)
3 nufc v man u 52,081 (7,665 more than safc v man u)
4 nufc v liverpool 51,703 (10,288 more than safc v liverpool)
5 nufc v chelsea 51,674 (11,022 more than safc v chelsea)
6 nufc v stoke 51,665 (16,920 more than safc v stoke)
7 nufc v palace 51,588 (7,952 more than safc v palace)
8 nufc v hull 51,523 (8,713 more than safc v hull)
9 nufc v norwich 51,328 (13,550 more than safc v norwich)
10 nufc v swansea 51,057 (5,477 more than safc v swansea) 
11 nufc v villa 50,417 (10,660 more than safc v villa)
12 nufc v cardiff 50,239 (7,842 more than safc v cardiff) 
13 nufc v west ham 49,622 (11,226 more than safc v west ham)
14 nufc v man city 49,423 (9,286 more than safc v man city
15 nufc v wba 49,298 (4,117 more than safc v wba)
16 nufc v sooothampton 49,164 (11,049 more than safc v soton)
17 nufc v sporz 48,264 (10,301 more than safc v sporz)
18 nufc v everton 47,622 (9,177 more than safc v everton)
19 nufc v fulham 46,402*** (2,497 more than safc v fulham)
20 safc v nufc 46,313*** (see above!)
21 safc v swansea 45,580 (see above!)
22 safc v wba 45,181 (see above!)
23 safc v man u 45,416 (see above!)
24 safc v fulham 43,905 (see above!)
25 safc v palace 43,636 (see above!)
26 safc v hull 42,810 (see above!)
27 safc v cardiff 42,397 (see above!)
28 safc v liverpool 41,415 (see above!)
29 safc v chelsea 40,652 (see above!)
30 safc v man city 40,137 (see above!)
31 safc v villa 39,757 (see above!)
32 safc v arsenal 39,055 (see above!)
33 safc v everton 38,445 (see above)
34 safc v sooothampton 38,115 (see above!)
35 safc v sporz 37,963 (see above!)
36 safc v norwich 37,778 (see above!) 
37 safc v west ham 37,396 (see above!)
38 safc v stoke 34,745 (see above!)

 

*** = nufc's lowest crowd
*** = safc's highest crowd

nufc average leegue gates 2013-2014: 50,395
safc average leegue gates 2013-2014: 41,090
difference: 9,305 per game in nufc's favour!

Az yoo can see, nufc's LOWEST leegue crowd for the season iz actually HIGHER than safc's HIGHEST crowd! (which waz against 'US'!)
Again! we will leave yoo to draw your own conclusions az to who have the most loyal supporters!
(For the aall time attendance list for nufc v safc, see right hand tool bar list and 'click')

THE LIVERBIRDS 2 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '1:55pm bells' Monday 12th May 2014

VIEW FROM ROW 24 OF 'THE ANFIELD ROAD END'
(LOOKIN' TOWARDS 'THE KOP')

"DOWD AND OUT!"

A game that 'The Liverbirds' had to win to have any chance of the Leegue title waz played in a very strange atmosphere az the Scousers just knew that 'The Blue Moonies' of Manchester wouldn't 'blow it' against 'Fat Sam's Jellied Eels Mob' just alang the M62

We in fact took the lead in the 20th minute when a Yoan Gouffran cross waz deflected into the net at The Kop End by Skrtel, to send the Toon fans wild and 'The Liverbirds' fans into disappear!

We held on to wor lead az news from Manchester filtered through that City were winnin' 1-0 to forthaa dampen the home fans spirits!

LOOKIN' TOWARDS 'THE KEMLYN ROAD STAND'
(THE TOON ARE IN GREY--TIM KRUL IZ IN ORANGE)

We were still 1-0 up at the break and had played well up until this point, but then in the 2nd period we hit the self destruct button with 2 Gerrard free kicks that ended up in wor net!

The forst one shud nevaa have been az we shud have had a free kick just before this, but referee Phil Dowd though otherwise and waved 'play on'!
Steve Gerrard took it from the edge of the box and hiz cross to the far side foond Agger and he somehow stuck a leg oot to level the scores in the 63rd minute!
An identical free kick just 2 minutes later foond Sturridge this time and he scored a virtually identical goal to Agger!
Shola argued with the ref just az we were aboot to restart the game and he waz sent off by Dowd for dissent!
Game ower!

News from 'Mancland' that 'The Blue Moonies' were now leadin' 2-0 waz 'delightfully' conveyed to the Liverbirds by the 2,800 Toon fans in The Anfield Road End!

Paul Dummett then scythed doon Suarez near the end and he waz aallso given hiz marchin' orders by Referee Dowd just FIVE minutes after he came on az a sub! to leave us with just 9 men left on the pitch to see oot the remainder of the game!

The usual excuses by 'I Beg Your Pardew' then followed and he then telt anybody who cared to listen that we would sign 4 or 5 new players in the summer transfer window!
"Aa think wi'v hord this one before Alan, mate!---aa think wi'v hord this one before Alan, mate!---aa think wi'v------------!!!!!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Haidera, Coloccini, Steve Taylor (De Jong 73) <(waste of space!), Sissoko, Anita, Shola Ameobi, Tiote (Dummett 82), Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi 78)

Attendance: 44, 724 (2,800 Toon fans, happy to see the end of the season at last!)

Before the match we went to wor fave 'haunt of 'The Clock' wino bar! which iz aboot the same waalkin' distance between Goodison Park and Anfield (pix below)

"A DRINKERS PARADISE!"

ENTRANCE TO THE 'SELECT'
LOUNGE AREA OF THE BAR!



'STATE OF THE ART' FLOORING IN THE BAR AREA!
(Note that the tiles are stapled to the floor!
This iz to stop anybody nickin' them!)
 



A POLITE NOTICE IN THE 'PRISTINE' 'TOOL SHED'
TO ONE OF THEIR 'REGULAR' CUSTOMERS!

THE LIVERBIRDS v THE TOON *** SUNDAY AFTERNOON!

Updated '9:15pm bells Saturday 10th May 2014

NOT FOR SALE AT ANY PRICE!
(ER! THE TICKET, THAT IZ!---NOT THE BEARS OR PENGUIN!)

The last game of the season teks place @ Anfield @ '3 bells' tomorrow afternoon and anly a win for the home side and defeat for 'The Blue Moonies' of Manchester, will give them the title!

Shud 'The Blue Moonies' anly draw against 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham on Sunday, then 'The Liverbirds' will have to beat us 13-0 ! to claim the trophy! <(divvint panic---they've NEVAA beaten us 13-0 before!)
Any sized win for 'The Blue Moonies' will give them the title and break Scouse hearts <(of the red variety only!)

Nebody gives us any chance of winnin' or even gettin' a draw, which iz hardly suprizing considerin' that we have lost the last 4 away games withoot scorin' a solitary goal!
Aalso we haven't won @ Anfield for ower 20 years and everbody iz expectin' the worst!
Both Cisse and Santon will be missin' and god naaz aboot Ben Arfa???

Adam Armstrong won't be there eethaa az he iz on England U17 International duty! The Toon will wear their FIFTH different strip this season---'the new aall grey number' <(lets hope it isn't 'a grey day' for us!)

We have sold wor entire allocation of 2,800 tickets and leaflets were handed oot at 'The Arse' last week, urgin' Toon fans to 'sell their £48 tickets' for between £500 and £1,000! to desperate Scousers in this title decider! <("NE WAY!")

FONE NUMBERS AND E MAIL ADDRESS HIDDEN
FOR OBVIOUS REASONS!
DIVVINT SELL YOUR SOUL TO A TICKET TOUT!

Match/liquid lubrication report to follow sometime on Monday!---Az per usual 'watch this space'!  

CULLERCOATS 4 GATESHEED RUTHERFORD (sorry!) GATESHEED REDHEUGH 1 ("or waz the score the othaa way roond!???") *** NORTHERN ALLIANCE DIVISION 1

Posted '6:48am bells' Sunday 11th May 2014

"FROM LAND'S END TO JOHN O GROATS!"
"FROM WHITLEY BAY TO CULLERCOATS!"

"SHELTER FROM THE STORM!"

Az we had ne game to gan te once agen coz The Toon wornt due to play til the next day, it waz decided to heed for the coast on the Metro and take in Cullercoat's last Northern Alliance game of the season at their seaside groond in Links Avenue 

The wethaa wasn't 'ower clever' az we 'attacked' 'The Queens Heed' on the sea front, az black clouds desended!
A few 'liquid refreshments' later and it waz time to heed for the ground which waz aboot half a mile inland.

Cullercoats opponents were a team from Gatesheed, which isn't tooo far from where we live and so that's who we would 'support' for the day!

It waz still thankfully dry az we foond a spare space on the half way line (we were the anly ones there at the time!) az the teams ran oot from the portacabin on the othaa side of the pitch!

'The Caped Crusader' informed us that the Gatesheed RUTHERFORD team were wearin' black n white qwaatered shirts and that Cullercoats therefore were wearin' red n blue!

The Cullercoat's goalie waz (shall we say!) a rather large chappy weighin' aboot 18 stone and within 10 minutes he fumbled the baall which ended up in the net to give Gatesheed Rutherford the lead <(or so we thought!?) at 'The North Sea End'!

A lad we naa called Peter who supports Whitley Bay just doon the road, then torned up and informed us that in fact it waz Cullercoats who were wearin' black n white qwaataaz and NOT Gatesheed!
(ie: We'd got the 'colours' wrang in 'Culler'coats! and had 'cheered' the wrang team for half an hour!)

'The Caped Crusader, Paul the Peddler' <(he had hiz bike!) and 'The Mad Professor' who were in wor party still wornt convinced, but an advort on the red n blue strip waz from a Gatesheed firm? <(would a Gatesheed firm sponser Cullercoats???)
Anyway by half time the visitors (or home team perhaps?) had equalised and they went in aall square at the break!

The referee, it shud be noted waz the faathaa of 'Liam from the Lamp', who iz of course 'The Geordie Times' cheeef futbaall correspondent and the linesman on wor side waz hiz 16 year old nephew! (Liam wasn't there by the way) <(the part time bustard!)


"SHELTER FROM THE STORM!"

Anyway!-- Cullercoats <(or Gatesheed?) retook the lead and before lang it waz 3-1 !
The rain then desended in torrents and we made 'a sharp' exit to the bus stop on the main road az it waz the anly shelter available in the whole groond!
We still got soaken though az the rain came in sideway az there waz ne cover at the front!

Anothaa goal for the home side/visitors? sealed the game and thankfully az 'Liam from the Lamp's daddy blew for full time the rain had ceased and we trundled off soakin' wet to the nearest waaterin' hole doon the road caalled 'The Quarry' to dry oot and wet wor appetites! <(if yi see warra meen???)

It waz then onward to Whitley Bay Metro station and yem!---a great win for eethaa Cullercoats or Gatesheed! <(we may nevaa find oot!)

PS: Next day aa got The Sunday Sun to solve wor mystery and it said that Cullercoats had beaten Gatesheed REDHEUGH and NOT Gatesheed RUTHERFORD 4-1 (ie: a totally different team!)

SO!---not anly did we get the teams strips the wrang way roond, we actually got the team that Cullercoats were playin', wrang az well! <(pass the asprins pleeeze!)
Gatesheed Rutherford play in the Northern Alliance Premier Leegue, while Gatesheed Redheugh play in the division below!

Therefore, 'The Geordie Times' can anly offer yoo--wor loyal reeders a grovellin' apology for theeze heinous blunders az well az an apology to the Cullercoats goalie for any hurt or distress caused by caallin' him a "fat bustard", when in fact he waz Gatesheed Rutherford's---"er! sorry!" Gatesheed REDHEUGH'S goalie!   
Hopefully the next time we watch an Alliance game, we will get the strips and teams right!??? <(the broon ale haz got a lot to answer for!)

Attendance: 38 and 'a half' <( 'a little baaby in a pram'!) plus a doggy!

PPS: Cullercoats features in an old Geordie Song which gans:
"Wherever yi gan your sure to find a Geordie!"
"Wherever yi gan yi'll here the Geordie twang!"
"From Land's End to John O Groats!"
"From Whitley Bay to Cullercoats!"