NEW SIGNIN!***NEW SIGNIN!*** THE CLOCK'S 'A' TICKED DOON!

Posted '11:01pm bells' Thorsday 31st January 2013

The transfor window haz just closed and we can tell yoo that we have (at 'six bells' toneet!) signed 17 year old Kevin Mbabu from Swiss club Servette for an undisclosed fee!

This iz the anly 'incomin'/'ootgannin' Toon transfor of the day and in total we have signed SIX players in the transfor window and selt ONE! (Demba Ba) (although rumour haz it that 'The Xisco Kid' iz off to Spain toneet!) <"let's f*****' hope so!"

AND JUST TO HOY A SPANNER INTO THE WORKS AFTER WOR GREAT WIN IN BORMINGHAM LAST NEET! *****THE TOON U21s 0 THE BISCUITMEN U21s 3 !

Posted '5:55pm bells' Wednesday 30th January 2013

"GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!"

This afternoon at a windswept Darsley Park in Benton the resorve U21s lost 3-0 to The Biscuitmen of Readings's equivilent.

Massadio Haidara made hiz debut for the Toon but we were 3-0 doon by the break thanx mainly to the sendin' off of wor goalie Jak Alnwick for a handbaall ootside the area!

It waz soon nine men az Jamie Sterry then got hiz marchin' orders in the 2nd period but there waz ne fortha score az the howlin' wind made the game farcical!
We were unable to watch this match worsels az it waz played 'behind closed doors', (again!) but we did manage to get wor faithful homin' pigeon 'Porcy' to fly ower the proccedins to bring yooo wor loyal reeeders this excluuusive match report!

THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS 1 THE TOON 2

Updated '2:05pm bells' Wednesday 30th January 2013

THE TOON ATTACK 'THE HOLTE END'
DURIN' THE 1st HALF
(View from 'The Corner Flag End'!)

"THE BATTLE OF 'THE ABYSS'!"

AT LAST!---an away win under wor belts on wor EIGHTEENTH attempt this season!
Two of wor latest 'French Connection' signins started the game, namely Gouffran and Sissoko and they seemed to enspire the team az we laid seige to the Villa goal az we attacked The Holte End in the forst half.
It waz Sissoko, indeed! who supplied an inch porfect pass for Cisse, who fired home in the 19th minute to give us a precious lead!

THE TOON FANS CELEBRATE CISSE'S GOAL
BY LETTIN' OFF A GREEN SMOKE BOMB!

Then, just after the half hour mark wor lead waz doubled when Yohan Cabaye hit an unstoppable right foot screamer from the edge of the box past the dispairin' Guzan in 'The Hazbeenz' goal and we looked to be 'coastin it' at this point!

However the 2nd half waz a different story with the home side startin' off 'on fire' with us on the backfoot!
A dubious 'ootside the box' penalty waz then awarded to them which they convorted to half the defecit and set us bitin' wor finger nails!
We simply couldn't get up to the end of the field where the Toon fans were housed and not one corner waz recorded by us in the whole second period!
'The Hazbeenz' had several chances to level things but thankfully Tim Krul in the Toon goal waz on top form and kept them at bay!
Wor thord recent French signin' Mbiwa then came on for a 'knackered' Sissoko 'who had run hiz socks off', to make HIS debut late on!
The final whistle waz greeted by the Toon fans az though we'd won the cup and we move FIVE ("Er! sorry"!) FOWER points clear of 'the abyss', havin' put Villa firmleee in it!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Coloccini, Santon, Perch (Shola Ameobi 69) , Cabaye, Gouffran (Anita 74), Sissoko (Yanga-Mbiwa 79) Gutierrez, Cisse   

Attendance:30,334 (2,000 happy Toon fans!)



PS a word of mention to wor Jawman friends who are regular visitors to this site az they've just clocked up their THOOSANDTH HIT!---thanx for your support!

LATEST PREMYA LEEGUE TABLE (BOTTOM!)

Posted '3:15pm bells' Wednesday 30th January 2013

11 SMBs played 24/ points 29
12 The Jellied Eels Mob 23/27
13 The Canary Custards 23/26
14 Wacko Jacko Jivers 23/25
15 THE TOON 24/24
16 Sooothampton 23/23
17 Blue Wigs 24/20
The 'Abyss'!
18 Hazbeenz & Villians 24/20
19 The Biscuitmen 23/19
20 'Appy 'Arrys Ragmen 24/16  

THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS v THE TOON

Updated '9:20am bells' Tuesday 29th January 2013

Toneet iz probably the most important day of the season so far for NUFC, az we face a *'shell-shocked' Villa side in this 'battle to avoid the abyss' in Bormingham! (*'shell-shocked' because of their cup defeats to Bradfad City and Millwaall last week!)

'The Geordie Times' haz lornt that defender Massadio Haidara, one of wor new five French Connection signins this month, will NOT make hiz debut az waz previously thought?

'The Sissoko Kid' (Moussa Sissoko) WILL however step oot onto the Villa Park pitch in the number 7 shirt @ '7:45 bells' for his debut, but there iz ne mention of the other two signins last week, namely striker Yoan Gouffran or defender Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa in the startin' line up!?---we shall see!

It certainly iz 'the day of reckonin' for wor manager, so lets hope we can finally get wor forst away win of the season toneet at the EIGHTEENTH attempt!

We're heedin' off doon the 'A1' @ '12:30 bells'!---forst stop 'The Barton Arms' (qwaata of an hours waalk from the groond!) >>>>

For aall the latest squad numbers of wor 'French Connections' and other players, pleeeze gan to 'NUFC Squad Numbers' in the top 'tool-bar'

Full match report to follow 'sometime' tomorrow!

OTHER MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS!

Posted '8:15pm bells' Monday 28th January 2013

Another excellent site which 'The Geordie Times' often visits iz a non leegue one by 'Steve B The Groundhopper' which gives info on hundreds of grounds he haz visited ower the years and can be foond @ www.stevebthegroundhopper.blogspot.co.uk     

THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS v THE TOON ***TOMORROW NEET!

Posted '12:35pm bells' Monday 28th January 2013


"LETS HOPE IT'S A 'SIX'!"

Wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' will throw hiz last hand of the dice tomorrow neet @ Villa Park when hiz new team of FIVE Frenchys will be in the startin' line up---fower of them who will be makin' their debuts!
The latest rant from wor manager haz more than a sign of desperation in it:
"We've got fifteen games left and everyone of them is a cup final!--we have GOT to win half of those games!" <(that's 'seven and a half' by wor reckonin'!?)

We can anly hope that he throws a 'six' dice and that at last we can get wor forst away win of the season under wor belts in wot will be wor EIGHTEENTH attempt!

'The Hazbeens' of course have had a horrendous few weeks just like us, havin' been knocked oot of the Leegue Cup semis by fourth tier side Bradford last Tuesday and last Friday they lost to Championship side Millwaall in the FA Cup, to put them on a 'double downer' for their match against us!
Indeed, history could be made by us if current forst teamer Marveaux aalso plays az this will meen that more than HALF wor team will hail from France!
We can anly hope and pray that the 'French Connection' will pay off!?----We won't have lang to find oot!

AALL TIME AVERAGE LEEGUE GATES***1888-2013

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 27th January 2013

A grainy action shot from St James' Park
taken nearly 107 years ago on October 13th 1906
(the cameraz wornt very good in them days!)
Toon centre forward Appleyard heeds against 
the Man City crossbar @ The Gallowgate End
The Toon won this leegue encoonta 2-0
in front of a 20,000 crowd (Appleyard scored both!)
(The Popular side and Leazes Terrace
are in the backgroond)

Az ever! and nuw and again! 'The Geordie Times' brings yoo facts and figures from wor attendances ower the years

Below iz the list of the top ten supported clubs of aall time in the Futbaall Leegue from it's inception in 1888

We've aalso included aall nine of the north eest clubs who have ever played leegue futbaall and their position in the aall time list!
The Toon are currently in sixth place just behind Chelski, but az wor average gates are much higher than their's at the moment, we shud owertake them in the not too distant future!

1888 to 1st January 2013 

1 The Cockney Reds of Salford***38,401
2 The Liverbirds***34,167
3 Sporz***33,549
4 The Arse***33,308
5 Chelski OAPs***31,767
6 THE TOON***31,728
7 The Toffee Noses***31,200
8 The Blue Moonies***29,300
9 The Hazbeens & Villians***28,340
10 Leedz***25,580
North eest clubs ootside the 'top ten'
11 SMBs***25,396
16 The Smoggies***19,689
72 Gatesheed***6,381
103 The Monkey Hangers***4,225
105 Darlo***4,149
114 The Pit Yaakers of Ashington***3,524
126 Durhim City***2,541
136 (last place) Middlesbraa Ironopolis***1,450

"50,000 THANK YOOOZ!"

Posted '8:45pm bells' Saturday 26th January 2013

NEWS OF 'THE GEORDIE TIMES' 50,000th 'HIT' 
REACHES THE PLANET MARS!
"TAKE ME TO YOR LEADER---WHEY AYE MAAN!"

'History' haz been made on Tyneside today when 'The Geordie Times' received it's FIFTY THOOOOSANTH PAGEVIEW from aroond the world (and beyond!)

This momentous occassion haz been celebrated toneet with a few 'liquid lubrications' in the Toon!---and on MARS!---az yoo would expect! 

The Top Ten aall time list iz az follows!

Planet Earth Top Ten 'hits'
1 The United Kingdim***26,161
2 The U S of A***8,365
3 The Ukraine***1,358
4 Jawmany***992
5 The Guinness Republic***916
6 Greece***683
7 Rushaa***670
8 Spain***520
9 France***362
10 Holland***319

The rest of the Univorse!
1 Mars***"A canny few---like!"

"PARLEZ-VOUS GEORDIE BARDOT?"

Poste 'cloches a mid hig' Saturdy 26e Jauary 2013

SI VOUSD POUVEZ "BEAT THEM SE JOINDRE A EUX!

LA MARSEILLAISE

"Allons enfants de la patrie
le jour de gloire est arrive
contre nous de la tyrannie
l'etendard sanglant est leve
l'etendard sanglant est leve
etendez-vous dans les campagnes
mugir ces feroces soldats?
lls viennent jusque dans vos bras
egorger vos fils, vos compagnes!"

CHOEUR
"Aux armes, citoyens
formez vos bataillons
marccons, marchons!
qu'un sang impur
abreuve nos sillons!"

THE SISSOKO KID!***"AND THEN THERE WERE TWELVE!"

Posted '10:15pm bells' Friday 25th January 2013

"THE 'SISSOKO KID' WAVES GOODBYE
TO THE TOULOUSE FANS!"

Forst we had the 'Xsico Kid' on wor books and now we have The 'Siss'O'ko Kid'! in the shape of Frenchman<("WOT!"--anotha one!!!") Moussa Sissoko, a midfielder who haz played for hiz country on six occassions.
The 22/23 year old<(we're not sure?) signed for a reported fee of two million quid, and he haz signed a SIX and a half year contract---we believe!
He will wear the number 7 shirt!

TWELVE!---'Frenchys' are now on wor books! 

BLANKETY BLANK!***WEEKEND!

Posted '4:10pm bells' Friday 25th January 2013

We are left kickin' wor heels agen this weekend due to wor exit from the FA Cup at the 3rd roond stage!

At one time when The Toon got knocked oot of the cup they would arrange friendlies against Scottish opposition in 'the same boat', like Hibs, Hearts and Celtic.
These days however because of the very low crowds that would torn up, it wouldn't be lucrative enough to do so.
In the 1968 for example (after we got knocked oot at home by Carlisle!) aa remember that we played Hibs @ St James' on '4th roond day' and then Celtic on '5th roond day' when in total for the two games ower 53,000 torned up!

How many would torn up now?---NOT many me finx!

NO!---a'm afraid it's yet anotha 'blankety blank' weekend for us, az most of the local non leegue futbaall haz been wiped oot az well due to the bad wetha!!---we'll just have to gan 'on the hoy' instead!---won't we!

COLO TO STAY!***WE'VE GOT EGG ON WOR FACES!!!!

Posted '2:55pm bells' Friday 25th January 2013

News haz reached 'The Geordie Times' that wor club captain iz TO STAY after aall and will NOT jump ship az we originally reported before the Norwich game!
We have 'egg on wor faces' and we are eggstreemlee sorry for this misteak az we were telt by wor 'secret club insider' that Coloccini wanted to gan back yem to Argentina to be with 'hiz lass' az she had 'done a runner' and that he definately wouldn't be stayin' here because of that!

However! the fact that hiz intended club San Lorenzo could'nt afford hiz transfor fee and wages, plus the threat of legal proccedins against him for breakin' hiz contract and the fact that hiz £60,000 a week wages would cease forthwith, have undoubtedly persuaded him to have a 'financial-'re-think'!---Add on the fact that a £7 million quid 'buy oot' clause waz mentioned az well and yoo can see just why he's stayin'!
(It's not wor 'club insiders' fault that 'money talked' in the end!---iz it?)<(he/she iz blameless for the misstayk!)   

This iz NOT the ideal situation to be in and hiz 'enforced stay' on Tyneside iz (in wor humble opinion!) NOT good for the club az he iz obviously unhappy to be here!

"NANCY BOY SIGNS FOR THE TOON!"***** (GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!)

Posted '8:30pm bells' Thorsday 24th January 2013

"N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NER!---NINETEEEEN!"

Yet anotha player haz been signed by us today from the otha side of the English Channel, by the name of Massadio Haidara and he becomes wor 'THORD Frenchy' to join us this week!

He's came from AS Nancy and iz a 20 year aad  U21 International left back and the fee we believe iz close to three million quid!
He will wear the "nnnnumber 19 shirt" and haz signed a five and a half year deal!

The total number of 'Frenchys' on wor books now numbers ELEVEN!

NUFC*****LATEST TICKET NEWS!

Posted '3:55pm bells' Wednesday ("sorry!") THORSDAY! 24th January 2013

There are quite a few tickets on sale for home and away games at the mo and include:

29th January
'The Hazbeens & Villians' away next Tuesday neet in 'The Battle to Avoid the Abyss!' @ Villa Park (zero points)

2nd February (Sat)
'Chelski OAPs' @ St James', which iz wor next home game and this iz now virtually a selloot, despite 'The Pensioners' not sellin' their full allocation of tickets! (so!---if yi want to gan---get a ticket now!---before it's tooo late!)

9th February (Sat)
Sporz away @ White Hart Lane (zero points required)

14th February (Thu)
'The Metal Gurus' 'of the Ukraine' in the Europa Leegue @ St James' ('level 7' not open for this game!) (public sale now!)

21st February (Thu)
'The Metal Gurus' IN the Ukraine (25 points--fill usual application forms in!)

24th February (Sun)
Sooothampton @ St James' (members sale now!)

"AND THEN THERE WERE TEN!"

Posted '11:20pm bells' Wednesday 23rd January 2013

The much needed striker Yoan Gouffran toneet put pen to paper and signed a fower and a half year deal, when he agreed to come to 'The Toon' from Bordeaux to become the TENTH French player to join us, thanx to the efforts of heed scout Graham Carr, who seems to be pormentlee based in France!
He cost a reported £2.1 million but carnt play in the Europa Leegue az he haz aalready done so against US @ St James' Park in Bordeaux's 3-0 defeat last year!

He will wear the number 11 shirt (and not the number 38 he iz pictured in!)

More to follow on this tomorrow plus otha transfor news!

THE FRENCH FORRIN LEEEGIN!

Updated '7:30pm bells' Wednesday 23rd January 2013

"THE EIFFEL TOWER ON TYNE!"

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' from wor 'club insider' that at least TWO more Frenchmen are to join wor ranks today in the shape of Haidara and Gouffran who wor 'insider' tells us are undergannin medicals 'az we type'!

Fortha French Forrin Leeeginaires are aalso 'in the pipeline' we understand to add to the NINE we aaready have!

'THE NINE LEEGINAIRES' on wor books  
(so far!) (in numerical order!)

4 Yohan Cabaye
10 Hatem Ben Arfa
13 Mapou Yanga-Nbiwa
17 Romain Amalfitano
22 Sylvian Marveaux
25 Gabriel Obertan
26 Mathieu Debuchy
39 Mehdi Abeid
51 Yven Moyo

And just in case yih wonderin'---here are the  eleven nationalities of senior players on wor books.
1 England 19 players
2 France 9
3=Argentina 2
3=Holland 2
3=Australia 2
6=Italy 1
6= Senegal 1
6=Burundi 1
6=Slovenia 1
6=Northern Ireland 1
6=Spain 1

Wot!--that's NE Scottish players except for Steve Logan who iz English and waz born in Carlisle, but we believe he haz the option to play for Scotland instead ?
NE Welsh or Republic of Ireland players eetha?



Watch this space az usual for aall the latest news, second hand, forst!

"NEW SIGNIN'!***NEW SIGNIN'!"

Posted '10:00am bells' Wednesday 23rd January 2013

The second of the anticipated 'French Forrin Leeegin' players haz just signed a five and a half year contract for a reported fee of £6.7 million from Montpellier.
Mappou Yanga-Mbiwa<(try chantin' that 23 times after a pre match session!) iz a 23 years old centre half and iz a team mate of French Internationals Yohan Cabaye, Ben Arfa and recent signin' Matheiu Debuchy.

He will wear the number 13 shirt and he captained Montpellier to the French Leegue 1 Championship last season!---The forst time they've ever won it!

More signin's are expected in the next few days.("Er!"--can we have a quality centre forward pleeze!")

Az per usual watch this space for fortha transfor activity!

For the latest squad numbers gan to tool-bar at the top of the page and click onto 'NUFC Squad Numbers' 

TRANSFER WINDOW WAFFLE!***"DIVVINT HAAD YIH BREATH!"

Posted '8:25pm bells' Tuesday 22nd January 2013

With just TEN days left of the 'transfer window' to save wor season, speculation iz rife az to who we 'might'? sign in the next few days???
After the Remy fiasco and the Coloccini saga, 'The Geordie Times' will NOT speculate az to whom we may or may not sign or sell until it's 'done and dusted', 'so to speak'!

Tooneet French defenders Yanga-Mbiwa and Haidara were reported to have visited wor trainin' groond in Benton to inspect facilities!----Until they actually put pen to paper, we will cautiousleee assume that they arnt Toon players just yet! (ie: we'll NOT take ANYTHING for granted!)

We aall naa of course that we need a striker urgently to replace Ba and wor midfield and defence cud de with two or three new faces az well!<<<("Do yoo read me?---'Fat Controller'!?")

Watch this space in the next few days!
("But Pleeeze! pleeeze!---divvint haad yih breath!")

RANGER DANGER!

Posted '10:00am bells' Tuesday 22nd January 2013

Both 'I Beg Your Pardew' and 'The Lone Ranger' have made comments on the Toon fans reactions to the disasterous defeat against 'The Biscuitmen of Readin' on Saturday and both, I can tell yoo, are playin' a dangerous game, slaggin' fans off who have had ne success for decades!

'The Geordie Times' haz NEVER booed the team or anybody else for that matter associated with NUFC<(EVER!), but we DID voice wor opinions on tactical decisions made last Saturday afternoon!

We arnt gannih get into a slaggin' match online with eetha of them (especially the gun tottin' ranger!) but we think that loyal fans who have paid £500 plus for season tickets ARE entitled to voice their opinions in which way they choose, like anybody else!

The fact that Pardew said that he had ne option to bring defenders on, on Saturday, az he had ne strikers on the bench, speaks volumes, az Ranger (a striker we believe!?) waz one of the subs!

We rest wor case!***Wot more can we say!?

NUFC***"A LIFE SENTENCE WITHOUT PAROLE!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 21st January 2013

We're gettin' quite a few comments from Toon fans aboot the 'tone' of articles in recent weeks and the fact that 'The Geordie Times' iz gettin' angrier and angrier at 'The Toons' plight az the season gans by!

'Dava the Raver the Painter to Savour', haz in particular pointed this oot to us, az we discussed wor predicement ower a few pints of 'lubrication' in 'The Strawberry', 'The Porcy' and 'The Hotspor' @ 'Sunday liquid lunch time'!

We feel helpless at wor current situation, but just like the rest of yoo readin' this, we are powerless to de anything but show wor frustration at matches on Saturdays/Sundays/Mondays etc. or in the numerous NUFC websites and twitter pages!

Wot we didn't want waz anotha battle for survival---but that's exactleee wot we've got!
Many fans have 'had enough' and are wrappin' their season tickets in when they come up for renewal in February, but that isn't an option for many of us az we are NUFC 'diehards' til the day 'we pop wor clogs'!

'The Fat Controller' and the rest of them can sell the club and waalk away at anytime and the manager and players can leave at anytime az well, but that isn't possible for thoosands of us, who's lives revolve aroond the club completleee!

It's a life sentence!*****without parole!  

NE WHERE NEAR BOLTON RESORVES v THE TOON RESORVES***"OFF!"

Posted '2:45pm bells' Monday 21st January 2013

The scheduled Toon resorve match in Leyland, Lancashire tooneet against 'Ne Where Near' Bolton Wanderers resorves haz been caalled off because of a frozen pitch!---SO!---If yi were plannin' on gannin'***DIVVINT!

THE TOON 1 THE BISCUITMEN 2 ***"IT'S SNOW JOKE!"***""THIS REEELY TAKES THE BISCUIT!"

Updated '11:40am bells' Sunday 20th January 2013

"CABAYE'S FREE KICK HEEDS GOAL-BOUND!"

An absolutleee disasterous result for us and the dreaded 'R' word waz deein' the roonds in the clubs and pubs after the game az angry and disaloooshand<(Geordie Times spellin'!) fans droonded their sorrows!

THREE great chances which fell to Cisse in the forst half shud have sealed the game for us on a wintry afternoon @ 'The Park', but a combination of brilliant saves from 'The Biscuitmens' keeper and bad luck prevented hiz hat-trick!
Yohan Cabaye's free kick on the edge of the box @ The Gallowgate End (see 'Geordie Times' photo above) after Marveaux had been fouled, left their keeper rooted to the spot az it whizzed into the top corner of the goal and it looked at this point that we would gan on to win the game easily!

BUT! this iz NUFC and the substitution of Marveaux for James Perch telt us that we intended to haad on to wor one goal lead rather than gan for more goals---And this proved to be wor doonfaall when in the 70th minute the visitors made an inspired substitution when centre forward Le Fondre came on.
Within TWO minute he had equalised with a scrambled goal @ The Gallowgate End to the horror of 'yorz trulee' and 48,000 otha Toon fans!

An apparently injured Cabaye then went off to be replaced by Bigiramana in the 73rd minute and loud protests then enveloped the groond az wor manager stood forlornly on the touchline!----

But worse waz to follow fower minutes later when Le Fondre again beat wor defence after a sliced effort from anotha Readin' player fell nicely to him and he tucked the baall past an unsighted Tim Krul in the Toon goal, to send their 1,000 travellin' fans in level 7 of The Leazes End wild! 

This aalso sent the Toon fans 'wild' az wor manager got the brunt of abuse with chants <(for the forst time) of: "YI DON'T KNOW WOT YI DOIN'!" <(looks like yi 'honeymoon period' iz ower now, Alan!)

Anotha great chance by Cisse to level things near 'the death' ended up high in The Leazes stand and just after this the ref blew for full time to loud protest against wor manager AND owner!

The 'bleak mid-winter' continues!

Toon team: Krul, Santon, Debuchy, Williamson, *Coloccini?, Cabaye (Bigiramana 73), Anita (Obertan 79), Gutierrez, Marveaux (Perch 64), Shola Ameobi, Cisse
*We were suprized to see Colo in the line up az we were telt last week that the Norwich away game would be hiz last!

Attendance: 49,411 (highest in Britain on the day!) (1,000 'Biscuits' 'risked it' in the snow!)

PS: Unlucky 'mascots' 'John from Ireland' and hiz son Ciaran were at the match. They very rarely see 'The Toon' win on their visits to Tyneside from across the Irish Sea, which number aboot five or six a season!
(Their last 'win' waz against Liverpool on 'April Fools Day' last season!)
Their next intended visit IZ!----wait for it!----for wor derby game against the SMBs! this April!---"AARRGGHH!"<(it's time to pull yer 'hair oot' folks!)

PPS: On the otha hand, and because that's the last time they'd seen us win, the month of 'April' just might just prove to be a LUCKY omen!?)<(lets  hope so for their sake!!!)

THE TOON v THE BISCUITMEN ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '10:00am bells' Saturday 19th January 2013


LATEST VIEW FROM THE RIVER TYNE WEBCAM!

"THE MATCH IZ ON!"
In five hours time we are due to play yet anotha 'must f*****' win' game against 'The Biscuitmen of Readin' @ St James' Park @ '3 bells'!

"COMIN' SOON TO ST JAMES'!"

The match iz set to get the 'go ahead' and a pitch inspection iz gannin on az I write this!
Hailstones are faallin' @ the minute az aa look oot mee window across the Tyne, but aall shud be well and we will bring yoo the news of the pitch inspection az soon az wee get it!------Just hord!---IT'S ON!

Wor visitors (just like us!) are 'winless' on the road this season and have lost NINE of their eleven away games so far! (lets make sure it's TEN on Saturday!)

With ne new signin's apart from full back Debuchy, the failure to persuade Remy to sign for us for a mere £40,000 a week! and the departure of Demba Ba <(thanx to 'appy 'arry!---see below!) we are a club in crisis---ne doubt aboot that!

Steve Taylor iz expected to make a welcome come back afta missin' the last nine games and Shola iz available after servin' a one mach suspension.

Colocicini's imminent departure hazzent happened yet of course, but we were telt last week by wor 'secret undercover club sauce' that hiz appearence in the game at Norwich would be hiz last!?

In mid-week Sooothampton got an unexpected point at Chelski and move a little bit fortha away from us up the table!---and then they sack their manager! (this disruption cud be good news for us and will hopefully unsettle their players and fans!)

Premya Leegue table (bottom!)

11 The Jellied Eels Mob***21 played 26 points
12 The Canary Custards***22 played 26 points
13 The Wacko Jacko Jivers*22 played 25 points
14 The SMBs-----------------22 played 25 points
15 Sooothampton********22 played 22 points
16 THE TOON**********22 played 21 points
17 The Blue Wigs********22 played 19 points
The ABYSS!
18 The Hazbeens &Villians*22 played 19 points
19 The Biscuitmen********22 played 16 points
20 Rednoseknapp Rangers*22 played 14 points 

Match report to follow much later az per usual!

GEORDIE TIMES SNOW WATCH!

Updated '8:00pm bells' Friday 18th January 2013


SOMEWHERE DOON THE 'BIGG MARKET'!
(VIEW FROM 'THE GEORDIE TIMES' WEBCAM!)

The snow and freeezzzin' conditions which have engulfed the rest of England and Wales have finally arrived on Tyneside a few hours ago!
We will keep yoo posted az to wot the wetha conditions are like az time progresses for thoze of yoo who are travellin' to the game tomorrow from fortha afield!---and we can tell yoo that 'the flakes of the white stuff' are comin' doon agen in large numbers @ '8 bells' toneet!
The main roads are clear but the side roads are covered!---Toon Airport is still open az far az we naa at 'the mo' and train sorvices are not affected (so far!)
This wetha report waz brawt to yoo by 'The Geordie Times' Internashnil Wetha Stayshun!

"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!?---ARE WE HOYIN' THE TOWEL IN AALREADY???""

Updated '3:15pm bells' Friday 18th January 2013


'I BEG YOUR PARDEW'S' WASHIN' LINE-PERHAPS???

Wor beleagered manager's latest ramblin's make frightnin' readin' for aall Toon fans.
He tells us that: "QPR have a STRONGER squad than us for the relegation run-in!"

He aalso gans on to say: "We shouldn't be lost to the fact that we could be RELEGATED!"

Aall this taalk aboot 'hoyin' the towel in', in JANUARY and tryin' to prepare the fans for the worst case scenario, iz NOT wot we want to hear!!!

We aalso hear that we have 'downgraded' wor sorch for a quality striker to replace Demba Ba ---in the shape of David Ngog (above) from sixteenth placed CHAMPIONSHIP side Bolton Wanderers for £2 million!<("WOW!")
(Ngog haz scored a grand total of FOWER goals in 17 appearences for Bolton this season!)

A MESSAGE TO WOR MANAGER (AND OWNER!) FROM 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!

"I beg your Pardew"--"Alan"--"but a 'second rate 'Championship' striker' iz NOT wot we need at the moment to get us oot of this mess!---and az you've aalready said, that's where we will surely end up IF we do gan for players of hiz 'calibre'!"

"EIGHTY GRAND!**YOR 'AVIN A LAFFF!" *******IT'S OFFICIAL!

Updated '10:30pm bells' Tuesday 15th January 2013

"

STOP PRESS!***STOP PRESS!***Just this minute hord on 'Talk Sport' that Remy haz signed for 'Steptoe Rangers' 

Last week 'appy 'arry' Rednoseknapp said: and I quote:
"You shouldn't be paying massive wages when you've got a stadium that holds 18,000 people!"

So 'arry's 'rag and bone men' from Shepherds Bush (who just happen to play in an 18,000 seater 'Lego' stadium!) have hijacked the deal to bring Loic Remy to 'The Toon' and are to pay him!----wait for it!--
80 thoosand quid a week!---double wot we were gannih give him!---it's total F*****' madness if yoo ask us! (We didn't realise that £80,000 waz a 'pittance'!?)


Question: Do WE @ 'The Geordie Times' blame Remy (and hiz agent!) for dein' a runner and signin' for them?
Answer: "Would YEE knock eighty F*****' grand a week back????"

"Wot did yoo say again last week, 'Arry?">>>  


PS: Wot REELY riles uz iz that Rednoseknapp (the man who got away with havin' hiz dogs name on hiz bank accoont!) telt anybody who cared to listen, that Demba Ba had a release clause in hiz contract, which ultimately led to hiz departure to Chelski!--- and then when WE try to sign a replacement, HE 'hijacks it' at the last F*****' minute!

We on Tyneside can anly hope that hiz bulbous bugle keeps growin' 'apace', alang with hiz 'porkies'! 


"AN ARTISTS IMPRESSION OF WOT
'YEE NAA WHO'! CUD LOOK LIKE"
(WE WISH!)
(COMPARE THE PICS!)

JANUARY TRANSFOR WINDOW---HALFWAY THERE!

Posted '8:40pm bells' Tuesday 15th January 2013

'GEORDIE TIMES'
COMMENT!

^ A MESSAGE FROM ^
'THE MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER'!

At midneet toneet we will have reached the halfway point in the January transfor window and we still anly have ONE signin' in! (Debuchy) with ONE departure (Ba), plus the 'Remy farce', which iz still unresolved az we speak, so we still have a chance of signin' him, although that seems remote now!

We really DO need more signin's especially 'up front', or else we will face the consequences and stay in 'the dog fight' til the death!

We said it at the start of the month and we'll say it agen---'The Fat Controller' needs to lorn hiz lesson and get hiz f*****' finger oot (or shud that be FAT WALLET!) to save wor season!---NOW!

TOON1892 WEBSITE

Posted '2:00pm bells' Tuesday 15th January 2013

The otha week when aa waz lookin' for some stats for one of mee groond reports aa 'stumbled'<(NOT through drink!) upon an excellent NUFC website av neva hord of before caalled www.toon1892.co.uk which gives immense details aboot matches played/players/groonds played on, etc. 

For example, it gans back to the 1890's when NUFC were in the Northern League and knaan az Newcastle East End and played the likes of Middlesbrough Ironopolis<(remember them?) who we lost to by 3 goals to 2 @ The Paradise Ground, Middlesbrough in front of a 5,000 crowd! and there's even a match report az well!  (played on 19/11/1892!)

This site iz well worth a visit for aall yee stats based freaks oot there! and iz run by a Toon fan caalled Ken <(who I may, or may not, have met before?) and I have absolutleee ne idea if he waz at the above game???

NUFC FIXTURES 2012-2013***LATEST UPDATES

Updated '9:25am bells' Monday 14th January 2013

For aall the latest NUFC fixtures and results so far 'click' onto toolbar above

(NUFC 2012-2013 Premier League, European & Cup fixtures)

THE PERFECT REMY-DY!

Posted '8:00pm bells' Sunday 13th January 2013

"THE FRENCH CONNECTION!"

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' many hours after the event (by homin' pigeon!), that we are (allegedly!) signin' French international striker Loic Remy from Marseille for a reported fee of £8 million and that he iz due on Tyneside in the not too distant future for a medical and contract taalks!

If it's true?, then he will join fellow Frencemen Hatem Ben Arfa, Yohan Cabaye and resent signin' Mathieu Debuchy in 'Toon'

DELIA'Z CANARY CUSTARDS 0 THE TOON 0

Updated 9:30pm bells' Sunday 13th January 2013

"YES!---WE HAVE NO BANANAS!"
"WE HAVE NO BANANAS TODAY!"



"COMIN' SOON TO 'THE TOON'???"

For the thord weekend in a row we let the train take the strain az we heeded soothbound on the East Coast Mainline, this time to Peterborough and then onward to Norfolk.
Forst port o caall when we arrived @ 'dinnertime bells' waz 'The Murderers Arms' where we (not suprizinglee!) 'murdered' a few pints before heedin' for the away end which waz a qwaata of an hours waalk away. 

It haz to be said straight away that this waz yet another dire performance from the black n whites but at least we didn' concede a goal and a point iz better that nowt!

The home side wornt any better and a nil-nil draw was a fair result.

Game highlights?


VIEW FROM ROW 'II' (1st HALF)

Forst half: A Obertan shot iz saved by the Custards keeper Bunn at the far end from us---wor anly shot on target in the forst half apart from a 'powder puff' effort from Demba Cisse who played up front on hiz own!


Second half: Yohan Cabaye makes a welcome retorn in the 56th minute, replacin' Obertan who went off in a huff doon the players tunnel!

2nd HALF

66th minute: The Custards hit the post through Martin, but thankfully it went oot for a goal kick!

Colloccini (playin' hiz LAST GAME) and Marveaux have 'off target shots' and that's az good az it got for us!

New boy Debuchy haz a quiet game and gets himsel booked near the end!

84th minute: The stadium tannoy annooncer gets it aall wrang and puts a rare smile on wor faces, when he tells us that Anita haz been replaced by!---BigiBANANA! (Bigiramana!) 

The home side nearly pinch it in injury time when Pilkington missed an easy heeder!

Results elsewhere meen that we are STILL just two points above the 'abyss' az wor winless away run continues! (Now SEVENTEEN and coontin' in the leegue, the cups and Europe!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Perch, Anita (Bigibanana! 84), Obertan (Cabaye 57), Marveaux, Gutierrez, Cisse

Attendance: 26,752 (aroond aboot 2,000 Toon faithful!)


   

DELIA'Z CANARY CUSTARD CRUMBLES v THE TOON ****TOOODAY @ '3 BELLS'!

Updated '5:00am bells' Saturday 12th January 2013

In less than two hours time this mornin', we face wor thord lang train jorney in three weeks when we travel to 'Bornard Matthews Country' to take on 'Delia'z Boys' @ Carrow Road.

Both teams are strugglin' at the mo, and we can anly hope that we can break wor duck away from home this season on wot will be wor SEVENTEENTH attempt! in leegue, cup(s) and Europe!

We've been informed by wor 'secret NUFC undercover agent' that 'Captain Coloccini' will be in the line up, BUT! that this will be hiz last ever game for us and he will 'abandon ship' and gan back to hiz native Argentina after the match, NEVER to be seen in a black 'n' white Toon top again! (see article below!)

And az for the rest of wor startin' line up!?????---we'll probably NOT find oot til we get there, but new signin' Mathieu Debuchy shud be playin'! and (hopefully!) Demba Cisse will be back after missin' the 'Brighton & Hove Horror Show'!

We're on the 'five to seven bells' train to Peterborough and then onward to deepest Norfolk, arrivin' for just after openin' time!

Match/pub craal report az per usual to follow sometime on Sunday!  

GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!***ABANDON SHIP!***ABANDON SHIP!

Posted '9:30pm bells' Friday 11th January 2013

A 'Geordie Times' 'NUFC club insider' informs us that 'Captain Coloccini' will DEFINATELEEE play hiz LAST game for 'The Toon' against Norwich tomorrow afternoon!

He will then abandon the 'HMS Newcastle' forever and heed for Argentina after the game, NEVER to retorn!

REMEMBER!***
YOO READ THIS FORST IN***
'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!

CAPTAIN COLO TO ABANDON SHIP!???

Posted '10:00am bells' Friday 11th January 2013

"ME FIRST!---WOMAN AND CHILDREN LAST!"

Uncannily, it will be a year ago this weekend since  the sinkin' of 'The Costa Concordia' when the infamous 'Captain Coward Schettino'  abandoned ship forst and left the women and children to fend for themsels! after hiz ship hit rocks and sank off the Italian island of Giglio!

I say 'uncannily', az anotha 'captain' iz rumoured to want to 'abandon ship' az well, in the shape of  Fabricio Coloccini the captain of NUFC!

Although 'Fab' hazzent been playin' well lately, he iz wor captain and the backbone of wor fragile team and we desperatleee need him to 'stay on board'!---but don't bother holdin' your breath beneath the waves if it does happen!
"Blub! Blub! Blub!" 

BLACK AND WHITE ISSUE 12 ***OOT ON SATURDAY

Posted '10:10pm bells' Thorsday 10th January 2013

The latest edition of Mad Mick's 'Black and White Daft Fanzine' will be on the newsagents shelves this Saturday and features 'The Geordie Times' trip to Amsterdam when we played Sampdoria in 2007 @ St James' Park!---If that soonds a bit 'Irish' then can I respectfully request that yoo buy a copy forthwith to see wot the hell a'm on aboot!!

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS! ***"NANTWICH! NANTWICH! HERE WE COME!"

Posted '10:20am bells' Thorsday 10th January 2013

"APRIL FOOLS DAY DESTINATION!"

Az expected the Toons resorve U21s have been allocated the followin' fixtures for the 2nd group stage of their season after finishin' 6th oot of 7 durin' the 1st group stage.

Groundhoppers warnin'!***Dates/venues liable to change at short notice!

Mon 21st Jan '7 bells'***Bolton, away @ Leyland<(Been Here Before Got The T-Shirt!)

Mon 28th Jan '1pm bells'***Reading, home @ Whitley Park, Benton<(BHBGTTS!)

Fri 1st Feb '7 bells'***Norwich, away @ Carrow Road<(BHBGTTS!)

Fri 8th Feb '1:30pm bells'***Stoke, home @ Darsley Park <Behind closed doors!? < (BHBGTTS!)

Mon 25th Feb '7 bells'***Crystal Palace, away @ Selhurst Park<(BHBGTTS!)

Fri 8th Mar '1pm bells'***Man C, home @ Whitley Park

Mon 11th Mar '7 bells'***Bolton, home @ Whitley Park

Mon 18th Mar '1pm bells'***Reading, away @ Hogswood Trainin' Groond< Behind closed doors!? < never been here before, but arn't riskin' it, coz of wot happenned @ Motspur Park, Fulham  
(see '285 NOT' in the Archive Grounds list in top or side toolbars)

MON 1st APR '7 BELLS'***STOKE, AWAY @ THE WEAVER STADIUM, NANTWICH!<NEW GROOND!***NEW GROOND!

Mon 8th Apr '7 bells'***Norwich, home @ Whitley Park

Fri 12th Apr '2pm bells'***Man C, away @ Ewan Fields, Hyde<(BHBGTTS!)

Fri 19th Apr '7 bells'***Crystal Palace, home @ ST JAMES' PARK!<(Think? a'v been here before???) 

THE BAD BLUE BOYS v THE HEEDBANGERS ***TOONEET!

Posted '5:55pm bells' Wednesday 9th January 2013

With a blank midweek for the NUFC forst team we torn wor attention to sooth of the Tyne toneet where 'West' Gatesheed  meets 'East' Gatesheed in the shape of Dunston UTS (Bad Blue Boys!) and Gatesheed FC (Heedbangers!) for the battle for supremacy in a coonty cup match @ Federation Park (aka UTS Stadium) in Dunston!

Az both nicknames suggest, it shud be a rough old tussle on (and off!) the pitch!<(anly kiddin'!)
Kick off iz @ '7:30 bells' and the Dunston clubhoose will of course be open lang before the game for the consumption of broon ale and lager!

Update: '9:30pm bells' (Full time)
The Bad Blue Boys 1  The Heedbangers 4

Dunston, who play in the Northern League, held their own in the forst half against Conference side Gatesheed who are 4 levels higher in the Pyramid system!
The Heedbangers took the lead bang on half time and added a fortha two goals orly in the 2nd half to put the game beyond 'The Bad Blue Boys'.
A goal late on gave the home side hope, but the visitors added a 4th just before the 'death' to progress to the next stage of the coonty cup competition
Attendance: 350 (estimated) (50% each team)
Actual Attendance: 276 (we were 74 oot!)

FROM CATEGORY 'A' TO CATEGORY 'D'

Posted '1:55pm bells' Wednesday 9th January 2013

When we were trounced by 'The Arse' recently, the Toon fans were charged just £35:50 admission fee to get in @ 'The Emirates', which iz on par with wot Wigan fans get charged. (category 'D' prices we believe)
'The Arses' next game iz against League Champions Man City on Sunday and their fans are kickin' up a stink aboot bein' charged a woppin' £62! quid for the same seats! (category 'A'!)

It isn't so lang ago that WE were considered a category 'A' side alang side Man U, Chelski and 'The Liverbirds'! and it shows just how far we have faallin' doon the peckin' order!
We're NOT complainin' though! az sixty two quid to sit behind the corner flag iz a ridiculous amoont to pay!
Oot of the 2,000 tickets that 'City' have been allocated, anly just ower 1,000 have been sold, with the rest retorned to 'The Arse'!<(and who can blame them!?)
Fans ARE eventually startin' to vote with their feet/pockets!---where will it aall end???

PS: Hope this isn't an omen, but in the 1950's and 60s some north east villages were classed az 'category' 'D', which meant that they were 'condemed'!