PRE SEASON FIXTURE NEWS---LATEST!

Posted '12:22pm bells' Wednesday 31st May 2017

TURNBULL GROOND, WHITBY

Wor U18/academy side will play once again in 'The Northern Ireland Super Cup' between Munday 24th July and Friday 28th July---
No opponents or venues decided yet?

Wor U23/resorve side are at Whitby on Thursday 27th July when we play Celtic  (7:45 bells') and Saturday 29th July when we play eetha Whitby or Az Alkmaar of Holland (1:30 bells or 5:30 bells dependin' if we win (or lose against Celtic?)

Rumour haz it that wor forst team will play Spanish side Hellas Varona in a friendly @ SJP (no date, time or confirmation yet?)

THE DEIGHTON CLUB OR! THE NAGS HEAD?

Posted '1:15pm bells' Munday 29th May 2017
Updated Munday neet!

In approximately one and three qwaataa hours time the £300,000,000 game takes place at Wembley between 'uddersfield Toon and 'The Biscuitmen of Readin' in the Championship play off final, for a place in the Premyaa Leegue! (£170 million for the winners--plus £130 million if they manage to avoid relegation)

That's how much it's estimated it will be worth to the winners!
Thank god that I will be watchin' it on a big screen from 300 miles away in the comfort of 'The Junction' (1st half) and then 'The Crows Nest' (2nd half) in the heart of The Toon and NOT at Wembley, tearin' mee hair oot and chewin' mee fingernails, if 'we' were there!

Wot we want iz a 'uddersfield win, simply because it's much easier to get to than Readin'! (110 miles compared with 350 miles) and if the Yorkshiremen can 'de it', it will be wor 'derby match' next season, az it will be wor nearest away game!

However, sayin' that, we foond a great little boozer in the centre of Readin' caalled 'The Nags Head', which woz one of the best away drinkin' dens visited last season!
 'uddersfield however, aalso have a great little drinkin den' by the name of 'The Deighton Club' aboot a mile from their groond and this would be more preferable to us!

Az a'v said a'm so glad 'we' arnt at Wembley to suffer the 90/120 minutes of wot will be pure torture, especially to the losers! (plus the possibility of a penalty shoot out of course!)


Updated Munday neet!

"IT'S THE DEIGHTON CLUB!"

We said that the above game could gan to a penalty shootout---and that's exactleee wot happened when 'uddersfield won 4-3 on penalties after a scoreless 120 minutes (plus 10 mins injury time!)

A 220 mile roond trip iz much better than a 700 mile roond trip, so we are delighted that 'The Terriers' are in the Premyaa Leegue for the forst time in their history!

The Premyaa Leegue for next season nuw looks like this!
(From short to lang distance!)

North East clubs: ONE!----NUFC! (roond trip (from wor hoose) 3 miles!)

Yorkshire clubs: ONE!----'uddersfield Toon (roond trip 220 miles)

Lancashire clubs includin'  Morseyside: FIVE!----Moan U, Manc Blue Moonies, The Liverbirds, The Toffee Noses of Everton and Bornley (average roond trip 280 miles)

Midland clubs: THREE!---Lestaa, The Baggie Troosers of WBA and The P*ss Potts of Stoke (Average roond trip 400 miles)

London clubs: SIX!----Chelski, Sporz, Fat Sam's Palace (minus Fat Sam!), The Arse, Wotfaad and The Jellied Eels Mob of WHU
(Strictly speakin', Wotfaad are not a London club, BUT are within the M25 London orbital motorway!) (Average roond trip 620 miles)

South coast clubs: THREE!---Sooothampton, Bournemoooth and (ne where near) Brighton (Average roond trip 700 miles)

Welsh clubs: ONE!---Swanzee (roond trip 750 miles)

2 CUP FINALS 4 PUBCHAIR FANS TODAY!

Posted '1:38pm bells' Saturday 27th May 2017
Updated Sunday

THE BIG SCREEN!

It's a very humid day here on Tyneside with thunderstorms and heavy rain forecast for this afternoon!---SO! (az yi de!) we are off to The Toon to watch both the Inglish and Scottish cup finals in 'the shelter' of 'The Junction' and 'The Crows Nest', which both have big screens!

The Scottish 'one' between 'Glasgay' Celtic and Aberdeeen kicks off at '3 bells' , while 'The Arse v Chelski game kicks off at '5:30 bells'

We reely hope that Aberdeeen can stop 'the green half' of Glasgay's monopoly and end their winnin' streak--but we very much doubt it!

The Scottish Premyaa iz a joke nuw with Rangers demise and when 'The Tims' play the likes of Hamilton Ackeez  and Ross Coonty it's like 'The Toon' playin' 'The Monkey Hangers of Hartlepool' or 'The Whitley Bay Watchers'!
(Ross play in Dingwaall, which iz aboot the same size az Whitley Bay--and aboot the same standard of futbaall!)

At Wembley, 'The Arse' play 'Chelski' and we reely hope that 'Chelski' win---not because we like them (far from it!) BUT because 'The Arse' fans are so ungrateful and spoilt that they 'fink' they have a god given right to win the leegue!

They've flown many banners on planes ower The Emirites and away groonds this season (and don't we aall naa aboot 'planes' flyin ower groonds!) demadin' that Arsene gans!---A man who haz won them the FA Cup ne fewer than SIX times and iz gannin for hiz 3rd FA Cup win in the last 4 years!--"UNbeleeeevable!!!!"

Total 'Arseholes' if yoo ask us!

If this happened in The Toon, they'd build SIX! statues of him!---Wouldn't they just!


SUNDAY UPDATE

ANLY 7 FA CUP WINS?---IT'S TIME TO GO!

So , both 'The Arse' and 'Glasgay' Celtic won their respective cup finals against wor wishes!
That's SEVEN wins in the final for Arsene--the man The 'Arseholes' love to hate? (8 finals in total, 1 defeat!--and 3 wins in the last 4 years!) 
Will he waalk away?---their fans don't deserve him!---lest hope so and they get a 'duff' manager!---it will sorve them right!!!

Az for Brendan Rogers?--to gan through an entire season unbeaten in leegue and cup games iz some achievement---even though the Scottish Premyaa iz mediocre to say the least (where would Hamilton , Ross, Inverness, Partick, Kilmarnock etc be if they were allowed to join the Inglish leegues?---in the lower tiers or non leegue me 'finx'!) 

THE MYTH OF FAT SAM!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 25th May 2017


"I TOOK THEM DOWN!---I TOOK THEM DOWN!"

NEVER BEEN RELEGATED?---"OH YES YOO HAVE!"

So Fat Sam haz 'hoyed the towel' in at Crystal Palace and retired and will now be 'hoyin' a  towel on' by the swimmin' pool at hiz luxury retreat on the Costa Blanca in Spain, named "Casa St James" which he named after gettin' a ridiculous 4 MILLION poond 'pay off' from then NUFC chairman Freddie Shephard for bein' a failure here! (borin', lang kick futbaall--and aall that! "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"

It's not the anly place he's been sacked eethaa---Blackpool, Blackborn Rovers, West Ham and Ing-er-land in disgrace, just to name 4! (and huge 'pay offs'!)

He 'abandoned the mackem ship' last summer to take on the Ing-er-land job, leavin' 'Miseryguts Moyes' to take ower (and finally 'sink it'!)  and haz now decided to retire, leavin' Palace in the lurch this time and 'on the rocks'!

It's aalways been said that he's NEVER been relegated---BUT 'The Geordie Times' can tell yoo otherwise, az in the 1996-1997 season he woz RELEGATED to the 4th tier of Inglish futbaall, while in charge of Notts Coonty!!!

He played for the mackems az well! (when he woz a bit thinner!)--and az yoo may gather by this, we divvint reelly like him very much! and so we hope he enjoys (not!) the 'sun sea and sangria'! (That's sunburn!, sea food! (whale and chips!) and loads of sangria to make him even fatter!

"Bye bye Fat Sam!--yoo certainly wont be missed by us!"     

MOYES mACKEM MISERY!

Posted '1:10pm bells' Tuesday 23rd May 2017


"I'M THE WORLDS 'NUMBER ONE' DRUNKEST FOOTBALL MANAGER!
AND AM IN DAILY CONTACT WITH SIR ALEX! --HIC! HIC!"

News reaches us that Miseryguts Moyes haz tendered hiz resignation to the mackem hierarchy!
We here at 'The Geordie Times' are devastated az we thought he woz dein' a MAGnificent job in gettin' the SMBs relegated at the forst time of askin'!

Several 'quality names' have been hoyed into the ring, includin' out of work former Toon managers, ALAN (I beg your) PARDEW!----'The Wally with the Brolly'!----'John "I am the best manager in the world" Carver' and Joke Kinnear, who iz odds on favourite to be their next manager and haz told anybody who will listen that he can "Do a great job!" and take them to "The next level!"

The "Great job!" he iz on aboot iz that he can ---"De a great job drinkin' aall the Gin, Vodka and Whisky from the optics in the hospitality area of the main stand!"  And "Take them to the next level!"  (ie: Leegue ONE!)

TOON FANS SHOW THEIR APPRECIATION
OF 'JOE'K, WHEN HE WOZ HERE!

More on aall this later!

'GEORDIE TIMES' SPOT THE DIFFERENCE QUIZ!

Posted '11:05am bells' Sunday 21st May 2017

    BEFORE RELEGATION!

   AFTER RELEGATION!

Usin' your skill, judgement and 'half a sheeps brain', see if yoo can 'spot the difference' between the 2 photos which were taken at Newcastle Airport recently!

Photo 'ONE' woz taken az yoo pass through 'passport control' before the mackems were relegated
Photo 'TWO' woz taken after the mackems were relegated!

Top prize for gettin' the correct answer will be an aall expensive trip to Cold Blow Lane on a cold January night to see the SMBs play MILLWAALL at 'The Den of Inequity' where 'Jack the Ripper' will be waitin' to 'greet yoo' under one of the dark railway arches that lead to the groond! (Stab proof vest NOT provided!)

E mail your answer to: safc@wearedoomed!.com  

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS---"WE TOLD YOO SO!"

Posted '1:27pm bells' Friday 19th May 2017

THE TURNBULL GROOND, WHITBY

9 days ago 'The Geordie Times' released details of wor forst U23s frriendlies of the season at Whitby!
nufc.com haz just posted that TODAY!---more than a week after us! ("HA! HA!--we were forst!---this time!")
Worsels, Celtic, AZ Aalkmaar and of course the hosts Whitby Toon, will play in a 4 team tournament at The Turnbull Groond at the end of July!
We play Celtic at '7:45 bells on Thorsday 27th July and eetha Whitby or AZ Aalmaar on Saturday 29th July with that ko time dependin' on wethaa we win or lose on Thorsday ('1:30 bells' ko for losers---'5:30 bells' ko for winners)
Tickets for each game are:£10 for big kids', £6 for zimmerframeites and £3 for sprogs!

Rumours have it that wor forst team will be sailin' off to Ireland in pre season, az well az friendlies in Ing-er-land and at SJP!
(Europe haz aalso been mentioned by wor secret agent, namely 'Secret Pigeon'!)

'SECRET PIGEON' AT WOR GAME v PRESTON!

"REMEMBER!!!  REEED THE GEORDIE TIMES FORST FOR AALL THE LATEST PRE SEASON FRIENDLY UPDATES!!"

"SORVES THEM REET FOR TAKIN' 'WOR EYES OOT'!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 18th May 2017

TOON FANS IN TOP TIER
EMPTY SEATS IN BOTTOM TIER!
(Photo 'nicked' off nufc.com!)

"HILLSBOROUGH HILLBILLIES HORROR!

'uddersfield beat 'The Hillsborough Hillbillies' last neet in a dramatic penalty shoot-out and will progress to the Play Off Final at Wembley at the end of the month v 'The Biscuitmen of Readin'!

I cannit say I am sorry to see Wednesday faall at the penultimate hurdle az they charged us a ridiculous £42 to get in this antiquated pre-historic groond in April---the highest we had to 'cough up' for an away ticket durin' the season!
(The Premyaa Leegue maximum iz £30!)

They anly gave us the upper tier of The Leppings Lane End az well, (3,200) but were unable to sell the extorshinate £42 tickets to their own fans, who were housed in the lower tier, when they could easily have sold them to us! (see top photo)
(Capacity of Hillsborough 39,000---attendance 28,883!)
We actually got 1,500 less tickets than Leeedz got for their Yorkshire derby! --and Leeedz fans were charged less az well!
 
It haz been estimated that promotion via the play offs will earn a mind bogglin' £170,000,000 to the winnners and £300,000,000 if they manage to avoid relegation!!!

"SORVES THEM REET--IF YOO ASK US!"

THE TOON U23s 1 THE JELLIED EELS MOB U23s 2 ***DIVISION 2 PLAY OFF FINAL

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 17th May 2017



 NUFC U23s TAKE A FREE KICK @ THE GALLOWGATE END
PIC FROM WOR PAPARAZZI REPORTER 'DAVE FROM YORK'
WHO WOZ IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EAST STAND

 
The Toon's 'second string' failed in their bid to win promotion to the 'top flight' of the reorve leegue when they lost 2-1 to 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham last neet at SJP!

A Smith corner in the 19th minute foond the heed of Cameron who nodded it of to Heardman and he scrambled the baall ower the goal line to give us a 1-0 lead, az 'Rafa' and hix staff looked on from The Milburn Stand'!

However, West Ham's Martinez had othaa ideas and he scored twice after this just before and after the half time interval to give the "eest Landaners" the victory and promotion to the forst division of the resorve leegue!

Attendance: 1,824 includin' a handful of the 'Jellied Eels Mob' diehards in the corner of The East Stand!

"WELCOME TO THE HOUSE OF FUN!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 16th May 2017

"WE'VE GOT 2 NEW SIGNINGS AZ WELL!!
IZ THAT 'SUPERMAC' ON THE FAR LEFT AND 'BEARDO' ON THE FAR RIGHT?"

"AALL REET MEE OLD CHINA!"

A new sponsors name will adorn wor strips next season az 'wonga' have been consigned to the dustbin!
'FUN88', who are a Far East gamblin' company will sponsor us for the next 3 seasons!
The new strip will have RED numbers on the back for the forst time since the 1980's and 'FUN88' will be in light bluey/green on the front---strips gan on sale on June 15th next month!

Meeenwhile!---wor U23 side are in a play off final at SJP tooneet when we face 'The Jellied eels Mob' of West Ham!
It's a 'one off' game and the winners win promotion to Premyaa Leegue 2--Division 1 (the 'top flight of the resorve leegues!)

KO iz at '7 bells' and the East Stand will be open ---FREE to season ticket holders and members and £3 for 'big kids' and £1 for sprogs and zimmerframeites who arnt!

"THERE'LL BE A WELCOME IN THE HILLSIDES!"

Posted '10:30am bells' Munday 15th May 2017

Swanzee's 2-0 win at The SOS on Saturday coupled with Hull's 4-0 defeat at Palace yesterday, meeenz that we will have a *700 mile (plus) 'continental' trek to Sooth Wales and back again next season!--az Hull gan doon and Swanzee stay up! (*707.2 miles to be exact!)
Cedric the Swan will no doubt greet us with open 'wings' when we arrive!

The Championship play offs both ended 'aall square' so we are ne wiser az to where we will be heedin' to come next seasons fixtures.
We would prefer 'uddersfield to come up az we foond a canny club there----and it isn't far on the train!

Sheff Wed would be next on wor 'list', az again, it isn't tooo far away!
Fulim iz wor 3rd choice az London iz anly 3 hours away by 'Inter City'
The one we divvint want iz 'The Biscuitmen of Readin' az this meenz 2 trains a tube ride and a bus ride from Readin' station to their groond which iz 4 miles away from the train station!
(Yoo CAN get a train direct to Readin' BUT it teks ages to get there via a 'Cross Country train'!)

Az the Championship play off final isn't till the end of the month, we will have 2 weeks to wait to find oot!

Not includin' the above scenario we will have at least NINE train trips to King's Cross (KX, London) next season!
(Sporz, Chelski, 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham, Wotfaad, The Arse, Fat Sam's Palace, Bournemoooth (via KX), (ne where near) Brighton (via KX) and Sooothampton (via KX)
And if eetha Fulim or Readin' join 'the elite leegue' it will be TEN!---more than half wor 19 away games!

We could in fact travel to nearly AALL wor uttha away games by train via Cross Country etc---apart from Stoke which iz a bustard of a place to get te!---even by road! (Fixture 'times' could effect aall this of course!)

COPY 'CATS'

Posted '11:35am bells' Munday 15th May 2017

So we just had to copy the mackems and fly a plane ower their groond celebratin their relegation, az they did to us last season.

Sorry!-- but it doesn't work when somebody else haz done it forst---and to put a banner sayin' "United by cancer--divided by leagues" iz cringeworthy in wor opinion!

It cost the mackems £1,000 last season to fly the plane ower wor groond and we can anly assume it cost 'us' the same on Saturday.
That money would have been better spent givin' it DIRECT to a cancer fund and NOT to the company who flew the plane!

"IT'S EMBARRESSIN'!"

"18 LIVE GAMES?---YOUR HAVIN' A LAFF!"

Posted 10:42am bells Sunday 14th May 2017

SKY telly haz takin' the number of televised games today to new heights!--for they are showin' an incredible total of EIGHTEEN LIVE GAMES from 'high noon bells' til 11:00pm bells' tooneet!

Divvint beleeeve me?----then just look at this!

1 'High noon bells' : Palace v Hull (Sky Sports 1 HD)
2 'High noon bells' : 'uddersfield v Sheff Wed (Sky Sports 2)
3 '1:30pm bells' : Feyenoord v Hercales (Sky Sports 2-red button)
4 '1:30pm bells' : Willem 11 v Ajax (Sky Sports 2-red button)
5 '2:15pm bells' : West Ham v Liverpool (Sky Sports 1 HD)
6 '3:00pm bells' : Alaves v Celta Vigo (Sky Sports 2 HD)
7 '4:30pm bells' : Sporz v Man U (Sky Sports 1 HD)
8 '6:30pm bells' : Blackpool v Luton (Sky Sports 2)
9 '6:30pm bells' : Carlisle v Exeter (Sky Sports 2-red button)
10 '7:00pm bells' : Bilbao v Leganes (Sky Sports 3-red button)
11 '7:00pm bells' : Eiber v Gijon (Sky Sports 3-red button)
12 '7:00pm bells' : Real Madrid v Sevilla (Sky Sports 3 HD)
13 '7:00pm bells' : Sociadad v Malaga (Sky Sports 3-red button)
14 '7:00pm bells' : Villarreal v Deportivo (Sky Sports 3-red button)
15 '7:00pm bells' : Las Palmas v Barcelona (Sky Sports 5 HD)
16 '7:00pm bells':Betis v Atletico Madrid (Sky Sports 3-red button)
17 '9:00pm bells' : Portland v Atlanta (Sky Sports 2 HD)
18 '11:00pm bells' :New York Red Bulls v LA Galaxy (Sky Sports 2 HD) 

ABSOLUTLEEEE INCREDABLE!!!
"Hope your lass likes futbaall?"

"YOO POOR DELUDED SOUL!"

Posted '3:15pm bells' Saturday 13th May 2017

"ARE THEY PEOPLES HOUSES?"
(Ramshackle pigeon duckets somewhere near The SOS!)

We divvint normally mention the SMBs too often in this blog but 'Miseryguts Moyes' haz come oot with TWO ridiculous statements ower the last couple of days!

Forstly he claims that because the mackems will be the biggest team in The EFL next season, they will attract aall the best players for that leegue!
Divvint be so daft!!!---az soon az any players see the surroundings near The Stadium of "Sshhhh! (yee naa wot!) they will run a mile to get away from the place!

pENNYWELL, sUND'LIND
(The 'scenic route' to The SOS!)

Secondly he claims that 'if' he had been in charge last season, there iz "No way!" that Jermaine Defoe would have had a clause written into hiz contract that 'if' (when!) the mackems were relegated then he could gan 'on a free'!

It's dead simple yoo stupid get!---Defoe WOULDN'T have signed in the forst place, if that clause WASN'T written in to hiz contract!!!!
"Yoo poor deluded soul!"



DAVID MOYES SHOWS A POTENTIAL NEW SIGNING AROUND
A TYPICAL pENNYWELL PENTHOUSE!
"IT'S NOT EXACTLY LIKE THE PENTHOUSE YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN---
BUT THIS IS sUND'LIND!"

"THANK GOD WE'RE NOT IN THE PLAY OFFS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 12th May 2017

"Champions of the Championship!"

The Championship play offs start this weekend and we can relax, knowin' that we wont be involved and can watch the games withoot tearin' wor hair oot by the roots!

'uddersfield play 'The Hillsborough Hillbillies' at home on Saturday in a Yorkshire derby and 'The Biscuitmen of Readin' gan to Fulim on Sunday, with the 2nd legs next Tuesday and Wednesday
("ER!"---got it the wrang way roond---Readin' iz Saturday and 'uddersfield iz Sunday!)

And my preferred winners?  'UDDERSFIELD!---az their fans created a brilliant atmosphere when we went there and we foond a canny club az well!----It's not far on the train eethaa!

Meeenwhile the nutters of Millwaall play Bradfaad in the Leegue 1 play off final for a place in The Championship!

Hope Millwaall win and that the SMBs 'enjoy' (not!) their visit to 'The Den of Iniquity' next season!!!! 

NUFC MAD SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS!---UPDATE---GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 10th May 2017
Updated Friday 12th May

WHITBY

The season iz hardly ower and aalready we have some pre season fixtures to bring yoo from wor club insider, namely 'Secret Pigeon'!
(pictured at wor home game v Preston)

On Thorsday 27th July and Saturday 29th July, wor under 23s side will play in a tournament in WHITBY, north Yorkshire!



There's a brilliant fish shop called 'The Magpie' in the toon  and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that that's where aa'll be heedin' for the pre match 'nose bag' before gannin' 'on the hoy'!

REMEMBER!---yoo hord this news forst in 'The Geordie Times' and ne where else!

PS: A'v been to Whitby's groond once before, many, many, moons ago, to see Whitby play 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston in the Northern Leegue

Dunston won an amazin' game 7-6 in torrential rain and after the match aa heeded for the clubhoose!
A Whitby committee man said it woz a fair result at 6-6!!!?

I pointed oot that the final score woz infact 7-6 NOT 6-6 and that he must have missed one of Dunston's goals!  ---He woz devastated!!!!

PPS: Have just hord off 'The Silver Fox' that The Magpie fish shop haz been 'gutted' ! (NO the fish havvent been 'gutted', the shop haz been gutted by 'fire' and iz shut indefinitely!)  (divvint worry--there's plenty more in this fishin' port!)

"IT'S GOOD NEWS WEEK!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 11th May 2017

On Tuesday 'Budgie the Helicopter' (pictured above!) whisked 'Rafa the Gaffa' and  'Penfold' (wor beloved MD) away from wor trainin' groond to a meetin' with 'The Fat Controller' in deepest Derbyshire, aboot funds for next season in the Premyaa Leegue!

We honestly didn't naa just wot the outcome would be---BUT!---'good news' haz come from the meetin' and Rafa WILL STAY!

At last 'the penny haz dropped' and 'yes men' managers like 'I Beg Your Pardew' and 'The Wally With The Brolly' who 'blow hot air' and fools like Joke Kinnear are consigned to the dustbin (where are they now?) 


Wor 'beloved owner' haz said that Rafa can have every single penny orned by the club to strengthen the team for next season.

Thankfully this hasn't dragged on for month's and wor manager can now de some recruitin' (and sellin') in the transfor market

We arnt daft and know it wont be easy, but consolidation in the top flight iz aall that matters---for now!

Hopefully we can challenge for one of the 'cups' and not put weakened teams oot in theeeze competitions!

The Champions Leegue iz anothaa matter and iz 'oot of wor thinkin' ---for the time bein' at least!---who knows aboot the future though, with a gaffa of Rafa's standin'!!!

Much more (undoubtedly) to follow on aall this in the next few days and weeks!

"THE JOYOUS NEWS JUST GANZ ON AND ON!"

Posted '1:01pmbells' Tuesday 9th May 2017

Followin' on from Sunday's fantastic celebrations on becomin' 'Champions of the Championship', wor U23 side have reached the Premier Leegue 2 play off final by beatin' Fulim's equivalent 2-0 at SJP last neet in from of a 437 crowd, includin' 'Rafa the Gaffa'!
(Scorers, Jamie Holmes and Stu Findlay)

We now meet 'The Jellied Eels Mob U23s' (West Ham!) in the 'one off' final, which will be played at SJP on a date to be decided!

The winners gan into The Premier League forst division! (top flight!)

TWO promotions in the same season back to 'the top flight'???
Lets hope so!!!

In othaa joyous news, 'The Smoggies' were relegated at Chelski last neet and will join their mackem brethren in 'the abyss' of The Championship next season (enjoy your 25 weekday games boys and girls!)---(the number NUFC have played this season!)

At one time I had nowt against 'The Smog Monsters' but when they cheered on Man U when they pipped us to The Premyaa Leegue title in 1996---aall that changed!

It's certainly been a very happy last 3 weeks if yoo are a Toon fan!---that's for sure!!!!

THE TOON 3 BARNSLEEE 0 *** EFL 2016-2017

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 8th May 2017

TAKIN' LOYALTIES TO NEW EXTREMES!
A TOON FAN BRINGS A FRAMED PHOTO OF RAFA TO THE GAME 
(TAKEN FROM HIZ LIVING ROOM WAALL!!!!)

"AGAINST AALL THE ODDS!"

Where the hell do aa start????
The day started off in Bar Loco in Leazes Park Road where broon ale woz on the menu at '10:30 am bells'!
It woz then 'onward to The Leazes End Club ower the road where aa met up mee grandson Jamie aged 7 who woz with hiz mam Julie!
The 'high noon bells' kick off meant that we didn't have much time and a 'shovelled' a pint of John Smiths doon mee 'Gregory' (Gregory Peck=neck!) before heedin' for the tornstiles!

Jamie haz a season ticket beside me and haz been to EVERY home game this season!---(Aalso in attendance waz anothaa grandson, Zac aged 6, who woz with hiz daddy Craig!)

The sequence of events that followed are recorded in a 'time line'

'High noon bells': The game kicks off with the knowledge that if Brighton win at Villa then NUFC will finish in the runners up spot!

23rd minute: Perez opens the scorin' at The Leazes End when he back fips the baall into the net! 1-0!
(The Villa v Brighton game iz still scoreless which meenz we are top 'az it stood')

ACTION AZ WE ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL

59th minute: Chancel Mbemba puts us '2 up' when he fires in at The Gallowgate End to virtually seal the win az Barnslee were very poor! (still 0-0 at Villa!)

64th minute: The celebratory mood changes in an instant to one of abject depression, az the 2,700 Barnslee fans let us know, in no uncertain terms that Brighton have scored a penalty---and worse than that, Villa have had a player sent off az well! (Brighton are now top 'az it stood')
The gleeful Barnslee fans are in full voice az they sing: "Your gonna win f*** all!" ---ZERO marks oot of 10 for them! (Pleeeze tell me, wot have we done against them to be so spiteful?--does EVERYBODY reeely hate us?)


THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL


90th minute: Substitute Dwight Gayle puts us '3 up' to muted cheers! from the capacity crowd az Brighton looked certain to win the title!
I tell Jamie that "It doesn't matter!" az we are still gannin up!

91st minute: EUPHORIA!!! News filters through on the many mobile 'telling bones' aroond us--- THAT!---VILLA HAVE EQUALISED!!!!! the exact time that Gayle had scored wor thord goal!!!-- The roar of the crowd at that definin' moment in time woz DEAFENIN!!!! az disbelief and unbridled joy enveloped us!!!

93rd minute: Wor game haz finished BUT they are still playin' at Villa Park az the players stand in the middle of the pitch--hoping against hope that Villa can hang on!----
97th minute:--with 7 minutes stoppage time bein' played at Villa Park the ref at that game finally blows hiz whistle to end the game and give us the title!!!

Ecstatic scenes then envelope the stadium az the players dive in a heep, az aa hold Jamie aloft in The Milburn Stand!
One fan in front of us haz brought a large framed photo of Rafa which he took from hiz living room waall!!! and holds it aloft az the crowd cheer wildly!---BRILLIANT!
(How the hell did he get THAT past security?)

A few minutes later we receive the trophy az the Barnslee end skulks away very quickly (may they get stuck in a massive traffic jam on the 'A1' motorway, on their way back to their south Yorkshire sh**holes!)

3 weeks ago aftaa wor disastrous 3-1 defeat at Ipswich we were 7 points behind Brighton with just 3 games to gan---aall they had to de woz win ONE of those games and they would be champions!
They lost the forst 2 and drew at Villa az we WON wor last 3--- against aall the odds!---Special thanx to Jack Grealish, who scored the Villa goal that gave us the title! (yoo are on my 'Xmas card list' for sure!)

Toon team: Elliot, Yedlin, Hayden (Haidera 13), Mbemba, Dummett, Atsu, Shelvey (Diame 72), Colback, Gouffran, Perez (Gayle 80), Mitrovic

Attendance: 52, 276 (2,700 very sad  Barnslee fans!)
*


THESE 'LUCKY BLACK N WHITE STRIPED TRAINERS'
HAVE BEEN WORN BY FINK
TO EVERY ONE OF WOR 53 LEEGUE AND CUP GAMES THIS SEASON!
THE SOLES ARE COMPLETLEE 'NACKERED' AND WORN OOT
AFTER AALL THE TRAVELLIN' (AND WAALKIN!)
AND ARE READY FOR 'RETIREMENT'!
(THERE'LL BE NEW TRAINERS WORN FOR NEXT SEASONS 
PREMYAA LEEGUE FIXTURES FOR CERTAIN!)



THE TOON v BARNSLEEE *** 'HIGH NOON BELLS' TOMORROW!

Posted '1:15pm bells' Saturday 6th May 2017

"I HAVE A 10 YEAR PLAN!"

The final curtain comes doon at SJP tomorrow at 'high noon bells', when we play Barnsleee in wor final and hopefully LAST EVER game in the EFL!
Wor visitors have sold aall of their 2,700 allocation of tickets in a match that haz been 'selt oot' for weeks! 

Just been watchin' 'Rafa the Gaffa' on 'Futbaall Focus' and he said that he could be here for TEN years--under the right conditions! (Are yoo readin' this Mike?)

Will the 'Hazbeenz & Villans' de us a favour tomorrow and beat (ne where near) Brighton?
Aall of  their manager 'Broken Nose Bruce's family live in 'The Toon' and they will aall be hopin' that hiz side can de 'the business'?

We of course must beat Barnslee to start with --or even a draw would de if Brighton lose, to claim the title (on goal difference!)

I've got nowt better to de than listen to the sports programmes on the radio az aa drive mee truck back and forwards to Redditch in deepest Worcestershire. They had a poll on 'Talk Sport' last neet which said 51% of Toon fans wanted us to win the title and 49% weren't bothered--az lang az we won automatic promotion!

Az for little old ME?--I want the title---BUT! promotion iz aall that reeely matters and I will just have to 'live with it' if Chris Hughton's team win The Championship!
(They are in the 'drivin seat' this time---not me!)

We shall sooon find ooot! (fingers & toes crossed!)

"AND WHEN WE WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP"???

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 4th May 2017


BUT WILL WE BE 'TOP' ON SUNDAY?

Not lang to gan nuw until the very last game of this 'marathon' season!---and to be honest aa could 'de with a complete rest' from the relentless 'grind'  of travellin'--especially the lang distance away games which have nearly aall fell on a week day!

Fulim away (a Frriday), Qpr away (a Wednesday), Brighton away (a Tuesday), Norwich away (a Tuesday), Readin' away (a Tuesday or a Wednesday--cant remember now!), Ipswich away (a Munday), Cardiff away (a Friday)---and that's just to mention the ones that are a roond trip of between 550-700 miles!
Of course in between these games av had to drive a truck 430 miles to Redditch and back to Tyneside--and it HAZZENT been easy---believe yoo me!

Thank god we are back in the 'BIG time' where there will be EIGHT less mid week games!

Wor final game of this 'marathon' teks place on Sunday when Barnsleee are the visitors to SJP, which iz a total sell-oot (suprize-suprize!) and iz wor 53rd competitive game (includin' the 'cups')

Amazingly-aftaa lookin' like we had 'blown the title' at Ipswich, we now find worsels just ONE solitary point behind leeeders (ne where near) Brighton, who must travel to Villa Park on Sunday needin' a win to win the title!
A BIG favour iz needed off a BIG man, namely 'Broken Nose Bruce', whose Hazbeenz & Villans side line up against them!
Of course we still have to beat Barnsleee to have any chance, but dafter things have happened and the pressure iz on THEM (for a change!) (even a draw would de us--IF Brighton lost!--az we have a much better goal difference!)

ie: If we get a better result than Brighton then 'we' win the title---anythin' else and its theirs!

More to follow on aall this in the next few days (and neets!)