Tuesday 31 December 2013

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS v THE TOON *** NEW YEARS DAY!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Tuesday New Years Eve 31st December 2013
ACTION FROM LAST SEASON @ WBA (WE DREW 1-1)
THE TOON ARE IN MAROON

We must now torn wor attention to next year when we play 'The Baggie Troosers of West Brom' @ The Hawthorns tomorrow afternoon!

We are on the '7:41 bells' train to New Street (Bormingham) in the morn where plenty of hangowers are expected!
Aall 2,600 tickets we have been allocated were selt oot ages ago and @ just FIFTEEN quid it will be a fairly cheap day oot (apart from the £50 train fare!)

Az far az we are aware there are ne new injuries to report and expect the same startin' line up az wor last game against 'The Arse' on Sunday!

Amazingleee it iz 21 years since we last played an away game on New Years Day---Against Soothend in 1992---a 4-0 defeat! (for a horror match report on this---scroll doon the page!)


THE TOON U21 RESORVES 2 THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE U21 RESORVES 1 *** U21s LEEGUE CUP

Posted '11:33am bells' Tuesday 'New Years Eve'  31st December 2013

ACTION FROM THE 1st HALF *** PLAYED IN FRONT OF AN
 'ELECTRIC' ATMOSPHERE!
("ER!"---"THE 'ELECTRIC' FLOODLIGHTS THAT IZ!")

On a freeezin' caad neet in Benton the resorves progressed to the next stage on the U21 Premyaa Leegue Cup with a 2-1 win ower 'The Foxes of Leicester' in front of a sparse crowd!

The Toon took the lead in the 39th minute when Bigiramana raced doon the field and blocked an attempted clearance from the visitors keeper and the baall eventually ended up at Adam Armstrong's feet and he sidefooted the baall into the net!

'BLURRED' ACTION FROM THE 2nd HALF!
(A'D HAD A FEW PINTS BY THIS TIME!)
We doubled wor lead with just 12 mins to gan when Tom Heardman ran doon the right and crossed for Armstrong to fire home and claim hiz 'brace'!

Fower 'Basil Brush Brigade' diehards were standin' next to us and one lass kept on whisperin' "Come on guys!" beneath hor breath and it paid off just before the end when they pulled a goal back, when Dawson beat Alnwick in The Toon goal with 3 mins remainin' from a tight angle!

We were absolutleee freeezin' by this time and the last thing we needed waz extra time and penalties az Leicester laid siege to wor goal in the last couple of minutes, but thankfully the ref blew for full time and the 381 Toon fans in the crowd went yem happy az we progressed to the qwaata final stage of the competition!

Attendance: 385 (4 'Basil Brush Brigade-ites')

Monday 30 December 2013

THE TOON U21 RESORVES v 'THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE' U21 RESORVES *** U21s LEEGUE CUP *** TONEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 30th December 2013

Wor resorves are in action against 'The Foxes of Leicester' @ 'Blue Flames' (aka Whitley Park) in Benton toneet, in a cup tie that iz sure to attract a 'bumper' 100 plus crowd! (the last time we were here 125 actually torned up!)

For those of yoo who are 'plonkies', there's a clubhoose at the groond owerlookin' the pitch to quensh your thorst before the game and at half time!
Extra time and penalties <(god forbid!) will take place shud the honours be even after 90 minutes <(lets hope not coz we want a few 'liquid lubrications' after the match!)

Admission az per usual iz FREE to season ticket and membership card holders!
Aall othaaz must pay £3 for big sprogs and £1 for little and old sprogs etc!

A 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' sometime on New Years Eeeve!

THE TOON 0 THE ARSE 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Updated '11:44am bells' Monday 30th December 2013

YOHAN CABAYE (LEGS IN PICTURE) HITS THE BAR JUST BEFORE THE BREAK!

"SWINGS AND ROONDABOOTS!"

If we had some fortuitous refereein' decisions against 'The P*ss Potters of Stoke' on Boxin' Day, then the exact revorse happened yesterday dinnaatime az Lee Probert gave us 'nixxy'!

The main taalkin' point of the game waz a free kick NOT awarded to Anita for The Toon at the mid-point of the 2nd half and then just 30 seconds after this, a dive by Santi Cazorla who waz adjudged to have been fouled by Tiote, resulted in the anly goal of the game when Walcott chipped the baall forward from the edge of the box.
Hiz chip foond Giroud, who, with the merest for touches put the baall past Tim Krul in The Toon goal! (mebeez Santi Cazorla shud be caalled 'Santi CLAUSE'! for hiz free kick 'gift')

'The Arse' had come oot to win the game from the 'off' and we defended for the forst 20 minutes before 'getting a grip' to fight back!
We could have taken the lead just before the break when Cabaye hit the bar @ 'The Gallowgate End', (see above pic) but hiz effort unfortunately went ower! (THAT waz wor best chance of the game!)


THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END DURIN' THE 1st HALF
(View from The Milburn Stand balcony)
Near the end we laid siege to 'The Arses' goal and even Tim Krul came up for a couple of corners but it waz to ne avail az the visitors hung on to reclaim top spot in The Premyaa (we drop to 8th!)

Really we matched them for most of the match and were unfortunate to say the least not to come away with a point---thanx mainly to the man in black!

After the match wor manager, 'I Beg Your Pardew', said: "There was definatly a foul on Anita, before the goal, without a shadow of doubt!--there was also a foul on Sissoko that the referee didn't give!"
"Against Stoke we had all the calls go our way and today, perhaps, we were on the other side of it!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon, Tiote, Anita (Shola Ameobi 74), Sissoko (Haidara 79), Cabaye, Gouffran (Ben Arfa 62), Remy

Attendance: 52,161 (highest of the season and highest in Britain once again!) (az per usual 'The Arseholes' took up their full 3,000 allocation high up in 'the gods' of 'The Leazes End'!)     

Saturday 28 December 2013

THE TOON v THE ARSE ****TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Updated '1:17pm bells' Saturday 28th December 2013
THE LAST GAME OF LAST SEASON * WE LOST 1-0 TO 'THE ARSE' @ ST JAMES'

Tomorrow @ '1:30 bells' we face 'The Arse' @ St James' Park in wor thord festive fixture, which iz 'live on SKY'!  
In the previous two we have scored EIGHT goals and conceded ONE!--
 Az mentioned yesterday we have now won a total of 1,800 Leegue games in wor history---the very forst bein' 120 years ago against wor opponents tomorrow, when we won 6-0 against the 'then' 'Woolwich' Arsenal on Saturday, September 30th, 1893 @ St James' Park with both Wallace and Thompson gettin' a 'hat-trick' each! <(remember them?)

2,000 fans were present that day to witness this 'slaughter', whereaz 52,000 will be present tomorrow dinnaatime!
Az coincidence would have it, we were 'slaughtered' 7-3 @ 'The Emirates' a year tomorrow, which waz wor worst defeat of last season!
Amazingleee!--IF? we can manage to beat 'The Arse', who are top of the table, then we will anly be THREE points behind them! ***"We shall see!"
(We havvent beaten them at home for EIGHT years, when we won 1-0 in December 2005, with Nobby Solano gettin' the anly goal of the game for us!)


A 'Geordie Times' full match report will of course be forthcomin' sometime tomorrow evenin', or on Monday! <(dependin' how much 'liquid lubrication' we've had to drink!?)

Friday 27 December 2013

THE TOON 5 THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Updated '1:51pm bells' Friday 27th December 2013

"GEORDIE BOYS TAKIN' THE P*SS!"(POTTS!)
CISSE STEPS UP TO PUT US 5-1 UP!

SIX goals, THREE sendings off, TWO penalties, TWO penalty appeals and ONE blatent 'hand baall' torned doon, were the main taalkin' points of this crazy Boxin' Day game played in freeezin' conditions @ St James' Park!

The chaotic sequence of events were az follows:

1st HALF:
29th minute: It started off badly for The Toon az 'The P*ss Potters' spurned two great chances orly on az we just couldn't get 'off the blocks'!
The warnings wornt heeded and the visitors deservedly took the lead through a great strike from Assaidi @ 'The Gallowgate End' from 18 yards oot!

30th minute: The P*ss Potters fans sing: "Shall we sing a song for you!?" <(aall 600 of them!--- who were given FREE travel and REDUCED ticket prices! <(A pathetic torn oot for Boxin' Day!) 

34th minute: Stoke's Whelan iz booked for a rash challenge on 'The Sissoko Kid'!

40th minute: Whelan iz booked again and sent off for daft tackle on Cabaye!

42nd minute: Mark Hughes the 'P*ss Potts' manager iz aalso sent off for complainin' aboot Whelan's dismissal and hoys hiz coat away!

44th minute: Anothaa sendin' off!---This time it's Stoke's Wilson who pulled doon Remy in the box!

44th minute: Remy takes the penalty himself but it iz saved by ex mackem goalie Sorensen!

44th minute: Stoke break upfield and have a handbaall appeal torned doon when Williamson handles reet in front of the ref! <(it must be Christmas!)

45th minute: From the haandbaall incident we break upfield and Remy makes amends for hiz miss a minute orlier when hiz shot iz deflected twice, before endin' up in the net! (below)

45th minute: Stoke's Nzonzi iz booked for arguin' aboot the 'Williamson' hand baall incident! 

That's! (deep breath!) SEVEN incidents in just FIVE minutes!

2nd HALF:
48th minute: The nine men carnt cope with wor attacks and 'Gooffy' Gouffran puts us aheed with a fine left footed effort, just inside the box!
'GOOFFY' (with hiz arm outstretched) SCORES WOR 2nd GOAL! 

55th minute: Loic Remy heeds home from a Debuchy cross to make it 3-1 to us!
REMY GOAL

66th minute: Neat 'one touch futbaall' from 'The Toon' pays off and Yohan Cabaye nets with a great side footed shot! (game ower!)
CABAYE SCREAMER!

79th minute: We are awarded wor 2nd penalty of the game when Pieters fouls 'Uncle' Ben Arfa just inside the area!

80th minute: Super sub Cisse grabs the baall and fires it past a dejected Sorensen to cries of: '"Your just a sad mackem Bustard!" from the Toon faithful!
CISSE PEN 5-1 ! (Aall photos taken by t'The Geordie Times' paparazzi fotografaa!) 

82nd minute: A tussle between Cabaye and Shawcross shud have resulted in anothaa penalty for us, but the ref takes pity on wor visitors and waves 'play on'!

89th minute: Yet anothaa penalty appeal iz torned doon by the ref az Shawcross lunges at Haidera, but the ref again torns doon wor appeal!

93rd minute: "It's aall ower!"-- and the three points are well and truly in Santa's bag for a belated Christmas present for us!

On top of aall this 'Uncle' Ben Arfa aalso hit the post twice in the 2nd half!

'Geordie Times' Statfacts:
This waz wor 200th home win in the Premyaa Leegue era! <(and 'The Geordie Times' haz seen them aall!)
This waz aalso wor 1,800th Leegue win in wor history!
Wor 1st ever win waz when we beat Woolwich Arsenal 6-0  at St James' Park ower 120 years ago in September 1893 <(and NO!---due to circumstances beyond our control we wernt at THAT game!) 

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon (Haidara 61), Sissoko, Cabaye, Anita (Shola Ameobi 46), Ben Arfa, Remy, Gouffran (Cisse 72)

Attendance: 51,665 (Highest Boxin' Day crowd in Britain!)
(just 600 'P*ss Potters') < (A p*ss poor tornoot!)
The 5-1 win waz aalso the biggest in the entire 4 divisions of  the Leegue!




Thursday 26 December 2013

THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE *** BOXIN' DAY!

 

Posted '3:50pm bells' ****Christmas Day****Wednesday 25th December 2013 ***Updated Boxin' Day @ '10:41am bells'


YOHAN CABAYE (inside the 'D') SCORES AGAINST
'THE P*SS POTTS' LAST SEASON IN WOR 2-1 VICTORY!

Tomorrow afternoon we face a rare home Boxin' Day game (anly wor 2nd in 11 years!) when we face 'The Red n White striped P*ss Potters of Stoke' in a '3 bells' kick off @ St James' Park.
We understand that tickets are still available for this game and theeze can still be porchaced from the NUFC ticket office!


"We aall p*ss in a red & white pot!"
(1st sang in 'The Leazes End' in the 1960's against a
certain team who play 11 miles away!)
(to the tune of 'Yellow Submarine by 'The Beatles!)

Last season we beat them 2-1 and a similar result will not be 'sniffed at' by us, az we climb up the the Christmas Tree and we are currently on the sixth branch!
If we DE win than this will be wor 200th home win in the Premyaa Leegue era! <(and 'The Geordie Times' haz seen them aall!)

Cheik Tiote iz suspended for this game, but the rest of the team who won 3-0 at 'The Palace' last week are aall available for selection! 

THE NEW EUROPA CUP
PERHAPS!?
On aboot the difference between this and last season, when we were strugglin', wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' commented: "The Europa League had a massive impact for us last season, like it's having on Swansea now!
If Swansea didn't have The Europa League then they would be much higher up the table now!"

In othaa words!---WE DIVVINT (under any circumstances!) want to finish FIFTH again at the end of this season, az it's a Europa Leegue 'poison chalice'!--- and az a top fower 'Champions Leegue' finish looks beyond us!--- we'd better stay where we are then, in sixth place!

A full Boxin' Day match report will be forthcomin' on Friday!

Tuesday 24 December 2013

"ROCKIN' AROOND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!"

Posted '5:38pm bells' Christmas Eve Tuesday 24th December 2013

Followin' the goal-less draw between 'The Arse' and 'The Chelski OAPs' last neet, 'The Toon' gan into Christmas Day perched on the SIXTH branch of the Christmas tree and just SIX points off top spot!---while 'The SMBs' find themsels at the bottom of the tree amongst the cast off pine needles!---lang may it continue!
   "WE WISH YOO A MERRY CHRISTMAS!" 
             "AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"


Monday 23 December 2013

MAN YOO! *** THE LAST TABOO! (A LIST OF WHEN WE LAST BEAT THE CURRENT PREMYAA LEEGUE CLUBS)

Updated '9:20am bells Monday 23rd December 2013
'THE THEATRE OF MUPPETS' *** 07/12/2013 *** THE LAST TABOO!
(THE TOON ARE IN 'BRAZIL' YELLOW'!)

Wor historic win @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' after 41 years of failure, means that we have now beaten EVERY SINGLE current Premyaa Leegue side at least once both home and away since 1990!

Teams listed below are in 'Geordiebetical' order!

The dates of the last home and away wins and scores. 
Aall are for Premyaa Leegue games (unless stated in brackets)
Key: LC=Leegue Cup    FA=FA Cup     CH=Championship

Dates of teams that we have beaten this season so far are in 'Brazil' yellow'  

   HOME                                              AWAY
The Arse: 10/12/05 won 1-0             07/11/10 won 1-0

The Liverbirds: 01/04/12 won 2-0    28/11/1995 won 1-0 (LC)

Chelski: 02/11/13 won 2-0               02/05/12 won 2-0

Blue Moonies: 24/09/05 won 1-0     30/09/2000 won 1-0

Toffee Noses: 05/11/11 won 2-1      18/09/10 won 1-0

Sporz: 18/08/12 won 2-1                  10/11/13 won 1-0

Sooothampton: 24/02/13 won 2-0    19/09/04 won 2-1

Manc Muppets: 04/01/12 won 3-0    07/12/13 WON 1-0 !

Swanzee: 28/11/09 won 3-0 (CH)    06/04/12 won 2-0

Hazbeens & Villians: 05/02/12 won 2-1     14/09/13 won 2-1

Hull Tiger Lillys:15/10/1997 won 2-0 (LC)   06/01/1990 won1-0 (FA)

Stoke P*ss Pots:10/03/13 won 2-1      31/10/11 won 3-1

Canary Custards: 23/11/13 won 2-1  04/01/1994 won 2-1

Baggie Troosers: 30/11/13 won 2-1  25/03/12 won 3-1

Cardiff Red Herrings: 05/02/10 won 2-1 (CH)  05/10/13 won 2-1

The Jellied Eels Mob: 05/01/11 won 5-0      23/10/10 won 2-1

The Jackson Jivers of Fulham: 31/08/13 won 1-0   15/12/07 won 1-0

The Crystal Balls: 27/01/10 won 1-0 (CH)     21/12/13 won 3-0

SMBs: 31/10/10   WON 5-1 !              20/08/11  WON 1-0 !

'Geordie Times' Factfile: The anly team we haven't beaten at aall in the 21st century are 'Broken Nose Bruce's Hull Tiger Lillys'!
'The Liverbirds' are the anly othaa team we haven't beaten away this century! (1995)

AND!---(nearly 24 hours later!)
"Er!"----DID yoo spot 'The Geordie Times' dillibritt misstayk???
We aalso havvent beaten 'The Canary Custards' away since 1994!
If yoo spotted this, then award yourself '3 Brownie pints'! 
        
                                

THE CRYSTAL BAALLS 0 THE TOON 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted '11:40am bells' Sunday 22nd December 2013

BEN ARFA PENALTY *** 3-0 !

Forst of aall 'grovelling apologeeez' for the failure to bring yoo the match report from wor resorve game on Friday against 'The Canary Custards of Norwich, which we won 4-1!
This was because after the match aa made the fatal misteak of gannin' with 'The Caped Crusader' for a few festive gargels in Benton, which resulted in me gettin' completleee 'snozzled' and gannin yem late and gannin to 'bedy byes' orly <(if yi see wot aa meen?) az aa had to get up and catch the 7:22 to King's Cross the next day for the Palace game!
(A match report on that game will be forthcomin' sometime this week!)

The game at Selhurst Park waz played in torrential rain and drivin winds az The Toon torned oot in their 'lucky' Brazil away strip once again! (The one we wore and won at Man U a fortneet ago!)

And it didn't tek lang to break the deadlock when Yohan Cabaye shot home in the 25th minute with his effort takin' a deflection off a Palace player to wrang foot their goalie! (it would have went in anyway!)

The Crystal Baalls then completeleee 'baalls'd it up' when a cross from Debuchy foond Palace's Gabbidon who spectacularly kicked the baall into hiz own net meanin' that he waz anly the 2nd non French player to score for us in the Premyaa Leegue this season! (the othaa bein' wor own Paul Dummett who iz English!) (Gabbidon iz Welsh!)
VIEW FROM ROW 17

Reeely, it waz 'curtains' after this az the home side were p*ss poor throughout and yoo could tell by the atmosphere in the home sections that they are resigned to their fate of bein' relegated at the end of the season <(hopefully with the SMBs!)

The wind swirled aroond in the 2nd half az the rain teemed doon and this iz when the home side had their best period in the farcical conditions! <(there waz a slight worry that the match could be abandoned!)

The win waz sealed near the end when 'super sub' Shola waz tripped in the box and 'super sub 2' Ben Arfa stepped up to put the baall beyond Speroni in the Palace goal to send the 2,600 travellin' faithful into a festive frenzy az thet sang the 'Jingle Bells' song!
Just after this 'Goofy' Gouffran waz unlucky az he hit the angle of the post and bar and we had to settle for a 3-0 win!
This meenz that we have won six games oot of the last eight and amazingly we could be just SIX points off top spot come Christmas Day!
After the match we heeded for 'Victoria' for some celebratory drinks in several hostelries includin' 'The Elusive Camel'! <(where DO they get the names from?)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Anita, Cabaye (Ben Arfa 79), Tiote, Sissoko, Remy (Shola Ameobi 75) ,Gouffran

Attendance: 24,936 (not a full hoose, but they wouldn't give us any more tickets!) (2,600 Toon fans) 



Sunday 22 December 2013

THE TOON U21 RESORVES 4 THE CANARY CUSTARD U21 RESORVES 1 *** PLAYED @ 'HIGH NOON BELLS' LAST FRIDAY!

Posted '8:05pm bells' Sunday 22nd December 2013 (2 days late!)
JUST SECONDS AFTER AA TOOK THIS ACTION SHOT, THE BAALL
'JUST' CROSSED THE LINE FOR AN EQUALISER FOR THE TOON,
MUCH TO THE DISMAY OF THE NORWICH GOALIE WHO THOUGHT
THE BAALL HADN'T CROSSED THE LINE!
 MY VIEW THAT IT HAD INDEED CROSSED THE LINE, COULDN'T
HAVE BEEN BETTER! (SEE MATCH REPORT BELOW!)

This 'high noon bells' Friday dinnaatime kick off @ 'Blue Flames' attracted the lowest crowd that av ever seen at a Toon resorve fixture and a coonted that 130 were present az the game started!

Played in windy and chilly conditions 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' drew the forst 'blood' when they took the lead in the 26th minute, after a misstayk by Toon defender Curtis Good and Morris took advantage for the visitors by slottin' the baall home.

The Toon hit back on the half hour mark, when, (and az aa waz waalkin' behind the Norwich goal), the baall came across and Rolando Aarons played it to Adam Campbell who fired towards the goal, the baall hit a Norwich defender and just crossed the line for the equaliser!
SPOT THE 'CROWD'

Their keeper Ben Killip protested and claimed it had NOT crossed the line, but it clearly had, az aa waz standin' reet behind the goal!

Az he waalked back towards the goal after hiz 'protest', aa shouted to him, (that, although aa waz biased), the baall had indeed crossed the line! ('The Fink' magic eye wins the day!) <(he waz NOT a happy bunny!)

Anyway!--it didn't matter az forthaa goals from Bigiramana from the penalty spot in the 35th minute, 'Spiderman' in the 64th minute, (who scored after a neat 'one-two' with Campbell) and finally (in the last throws of the game) a corner kick, which foond 'The Mighty' Jonathyn Quinn who then prodded the baall home to complete the scorin' for The Toon!

The official 'crowd' waz announced ower the tannoy and waz given az just 125 (5 lower than aa coonted at the start!) <(aa waz never any good at maths at skoool!---like!)

After the match we heeded for the three boozers on the way back to 4 Lane Ends Metro station where we got completeleee 'snozzled' <(hence the very late reportin' of this game!)

Thursday 19 December 2013

THE TOON U21 RESORVES v THE CANARY CUSTARD U21s *** HIGH NOON BELLS' TOMORROW!

Posted '1:10pm bells' Thorsday 19th December 2013
'BLUE FLAMES' (AKA WHITLEY PARK)

Tomorrow dinnaatime on 'Black Eye Friday' <(scroll doon page for explanation!) we take on Delia Smith's mob @ 'Blue Flames', Benton in a resorve leegue fixture!

'The Canary Custards' are flyin' up with a full squad, az on Saturday their forst team take on the SMBs @ The Stadium of Sshhh! (Yee Naa Wot!) in the Premyaa Leegue! (Bet yih anything yi like that they are NOT stayin' owerneet in mackemland!)

Anyway!---a'm dein' yet anothaa neetshift truck-run to Halesowen (near Bormingham) toneet (for the 105th time since Joon!) and hope to be finished orly so that aa can grab a few hours kip before heedin' for Benton! <(we shall see!?)

Admission iz free to season ticket holders and members of course, but 'aall othaz must pay £3 and £1 to gain entry!

A match report shud be forthcomin' sometime on Friday neet?---and then orly on Saturday mornin' of course, we heed for King's Cross in 'Landan' by choo choo train, where we play 'The Crystal Baalls of Croydon' in a '3 bells' start in 'The Premyaa'!

More to follow on aall this later tomorrow (sometime!)

Wednesday 18 December 2013

THE BARNSLEY TYKES U18s 1 THE TOON U18s 2 ***FA YOUTH CUP

Posted '11:47am bells' Wednesday 18th December 2013

Match report and stats by 'The Geordie Times' chief Futbaall correspondent 'Liam from the Lamp'

The forst half waz even stevens and we went in goal-less at the break

The deadlock waz broken when Adam Armstrong shot home from a Greg Olley corner in the 49th minute of the game.
We doubled wor lead 10 minutes later when Armstrong again scored with a 20 yard pile driver!

The Tykes pulled one back at the death when Alton scored, but it waz aall tooo late and we held on for a 2-1 win.
We meet the SMB U18s in the next roond @ St James' Park sometime in January or February!

Attendance: 400 to 500 (number of Toon fans not known yet!--but mad-sad groundhoppers 'The Caped Crusader', 'Michael the Mag' and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' were there!)

Sorry there are ne match pix, but Liam's camera iz knackered and he haz been severely reprimanded by 'The Geordie Times' for this!
He can't even remember the name of the boozer he waz in pre-match! <(an absolute disgrace!!!) 


Tuesday 17 December 2013

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS (FOR BEGINNERS!)

Updated '12:33pm bells' Tuesday 17th December 2013

Tooneet wor U18s are in action @ Oakwell in Barnsley when we take on their U18s in an FA Youth Cup thord roond tie @ '7 Bells'
We naa that there are quite a few of 'The mad-sad groundhoppers' who will never have been here before and this iz a glorious opportunity for them to get this groond 'under their belt'!
It's just A QUID to get in for everybody and aall procceds will gan to Barnsley Hospice! <(which iz very good of them!)



Then later this week on *'Black Eye' Friday' @ 'High Noon Bells', we face 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' in a re-arranged home U21 Resorve Leegue game @ 'Blue Flames' in Benton! <(in the Eest end of Newcassel) 

 

 


*'Black Eye' Friday'---an explanation for wor owerseas reeders:
Traditionally on the last Friday before Christmas everybody gans mad with the drink and the bars are packed to the rafters and punters are p*ssed oot of their brains!
This invariably leads to spilt beer and josslin' and fights often break oot between the drunken revellers resultin' in black eyes, broken noses and bust lips! <(yoo have been warned!) 

Monday 16 December 2013

"IT'S A FESTIVE SELL-OOT! *** IT'S A FESTIVE SELL-OOT! *** IT'S A FESTIVE SELL-OOT!"

Posted '10:10am bells' Monday 16th December 2013

The followin' NUFC games ower the festive period are now completleee selt oot!

Saturday 21st December *** The Crystal Balls v The Toon
(away allocation 2,600) <(been selt oot for weeks?)

Sunday 29th December *** The Toon v The Arse

New Years Day, Wednesday 1st January *** The Baggie Troosers v The Toon <(away allocation not known yet)

There are tickets still available for wor home game against The P*ss Potts of Stoke on Boxin' Day, but this iz aalso expected to be a complete selloot! <(so yi'd better hurry up if yih want to gan!)




Sunday 15 December 2013

THE TOON 1 SOOOTHAMPTON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 15th December 2013

'THE TOON' ATTACK 'THE GALLOWGATE END'
IN THE 1st MINUTE OF THE GAME!

Predicably! we were unpredictable again against Sooothampton and could anly manage a draw @ St James' Park!

'Goofy Goffran' put us aheed @ 'The Gallowgate End' in the 27th minute when he neatly rounded their keeper to slot the baall home!
We had several chances after that to increase wor lead, but failure to do so would cost us dear in the 2nd half!

Quite simply we took 'the foot off the gas' for a 20 minute period in the 2nd half and the 'alarm bells shud have rung then', when Sooothampton forward Steve Davis hit the post but hiz effort rebounded oot and we got off with it!
However!---and just a couple of minutes later, luck waz on hiz side when anothaa effort by him, went in off the post this time, to give them an equaliser to loud protests from Toon fans and players alike who thought he waz offside!

Loic Remy who had missed a glorious chance in the 1st half shud have wrapped the game up when an error by Gazzaniga in the Sooothampton goal gave the baall to him in the box, but somehow he managed to kick the baall ower the bar, when it waz easier to score!

Then a comical incident in the 87th minute when 'The Sissoko Kid' accidently smacked the ref in the gob after tryin' to help Gazzaniga up from the floor. The ref went doon 'like a sack of taaties' and the game waz held up for a few minutes!

And then deep into injury time a horrendous tackle by Schneidelin on Haidara resulted in the Sooothampton man receivin' a yellow card, when it shud have been a definite 'red'!

Aall hell then broke oot on the bench with both goalkeepin' coaches from each side bein' sent off for fightin' on the touchline!

We now find worsels on the SIXTH branch of the Christmas tree, while results elsewhere meen that the SMBs will defiantly be 'bottom of the tree' amongst the cast off needles, come Christmas Day! <(lang may it continue!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon (Haidara 78), Sissoko, Anita, Tiote, Gouffran (Ben Arfa 73), Shola Ameobi (Cisse 61), Remy

Attendance: 49,164 (1,000 or so Sooothampton fans)
('The Geordie Times' prediction of a 50,000 crowd waz 836 oot!)
The crowd waz the highest in Britain ower the weekend
(NUFC Premyaa Leegue average: 50,089) <(3rd highest in England and 11th highest in the world!) 






Saturday 14 December 2013

THE TOON v SOOOTHAMPTON ***THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '11:20am bells' Saturday 14th December 2013
YOHAN CABAYE SCORES FROM THE PENALTY SPOT
AGAINST SOOOTHAMPTON LAST SEASON IN WOR 4-2 WIN

This afternoon @ St James' we gan for wor sixth Premyaa win in seven games and fourth home win 'in a row' against a Sooothampton team in poor form!
Wor visitors could aalso be withoot SEVEN forst team players through injury!

Hero of the moment Yohan Cabaye, who got the 'goalden goal' against 'The Manc Muppeteers' last week iz suspended, while 'The Sissoko Kid' iz just one bookin' away from suspension!
We have ne more fresh selection problems az wor manager faces one of hiz former clubs
A win could lift us up to the 'dizzy heights' of fifth! (we are seventh at the mo!)

Az this iz a non televised game <(apart from the pirate channels!)  and a '3 bells' kick off, we predict that a 50,000 crowd will torn up?
Not sure how many tickets wor visitors have selt, but we reckon that they will have at least 1,000 in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes'

After 'The Lord Mayors Show' @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' last week, lets hope we divvint come doon with a bump like we have so many times in the past???

Must dash to catch the bus to the Toon for the pre match 'liquid lubrications'!
More to follow on aall this tomorrow when a full match report will be forthcomin'!

Thursday 12 December 2013

NORTH SHEEELDS 1 THE TOON RESORVES 3 **** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 12th December 2013

MATCH REPORT BY
PERCY THE PIGEON

The Toon resorves progressed to the semis of The Northumberland Senior Cup when they beat North Sheelds in front of a 730 crowd @ Ralph Gardner Park <(it's original name!) last neet.

Sheeelds took a shock lead however when ex Toon player Keiron Wrightson put them aheed in the 7th minute, but it didn't tek The Toon lang to regroup and Gillesphey equalised soon after from the far post with a tap in.

Then in the 17th minute Adam Campbell put us in front after a neat pass from Bigiramana.

It waz 3-1 to us just after the interval when Campbell got hiz 2nd goal with a fine lob and that waz the end of the scorin'!

The Toon now await their semi final opponents when the draw iz made in the near future! "Coooo!"



Wednesday 11 December 2013

NORTH SHEEELDS v THE TOON RESORVES *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP *** TOONEET!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Wednesday 11th December 2013

Toneet wor resorves take on North Sheeelds @ Ralph Gardner Park in a Northumberland Senior Cup qwaataa final tie.

Admission iz a fiver for big kids and three quid for aall othaaz and the big kick off iz at '7:30 bells'!

The groond iz a five minute waalk from both North Sheeelds and Meadowell Metro stations <(the choice iz yours, where yoo get mugged!)

We've been here before of course on a past 'groundhoppin' mission', but unfortunately I have to gan to graft doon to the Bormingham area yet again toneet---but fear not!---az wor faithful 'winged wonder', 'Percy the Pigeon' (pictured!)  will give yoo a full match report sometime tomorrow afternoon!
"COO!" WHEY HURRY UP MAAN!
OR WE'LL MISS THE METRO TO NORTH SHEEELDS!"
 

Tuesday 10 December 2013

90,000 REASONS TO BELIEVE!

Posted '12:12pm bells' Tuesday 10th December 2013

With aall the hype and hysteria of wor famous victory @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Saturday, anothaa un-noticed milestone waz passed by 'The Geordie Times'!

We received wor NINETY THOOSANDTH HIT sometime ower the weekend and we are now less than TEN THOOSAND from 'the holy grail' of the magical 100,000 mark!
146 countries and territories aroood the world (plus Mars!) have now viewed this site with the last 3 bein' Suriname, Angola and Djibouti <(wherever that iz?) 

Yet again we thank each and every one of yoo for loggin' into this NUFC fan website!

The top 'hits' aroond the world and beyond are az follows.
(Countries with ower 1,000 pageviews)

1: UK***46,734
2: USA***16,062
3: Ukraine***4,289
4: (Mee old) China***2,641
5: Jawmany***1,816
6: Rushaa***1,116
7: The Guinness Republic***1,071

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

Monday 9 December 2013

FA CUP THORD ROOND DRAW *** THE TOON v THE CARDIFF RED HERRING GULLS!

Posted '12:45pm bells' Monday 9th December 2013

It haz certainly been a canny weekend az far az 'The Toon' are concerned and we have (thankfully!) been drawn at home to 'The Red Herring Gulls of Cardiff' in roond three of the FA Cup, which iz definitely better than yet anothaa horror away trip to '(Ne Where Near) Brighton', az haz happened in the previous two years! (and two horror defeats!)
The game will tek place in the forst week of January on eethaa Saturday, Sunday or Monday! <(dependin' if it iz picked for live telly---but we doubt it!)

Of course Cardiff used to be known az 'The Bluebirds', but their new far east owner haz changed their strip to bright red, much to the annoyance of the majority of their fans! <(anothaa case of: "It's my trainset and I'll do what I want!") 

One paper ower the weekend even caalled them 'The Bluebirds' but how can this be if they play in red?---so 'The Red Herring Gulls' it iz, az far az we are concerned!
 

(Or shud that be simply: 'RED HERRINGS'!?)

Sunday 8 December 2013

"ARE YOU WATCHING BOBBY CHARLTON?"


The game waz broadcast live by Norwegian TV and their excited commentator had the follow to say after the final whistle!

"Are you watching Ryan Giggs?---are you watching Eric Cantona?---are you watching Bobby Charlton?---are you watching Alex Ferguson?"
"Your boys took one hell of a beating!"

Friday 6 December 2013

THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD v THE TOON ***TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 6th December 2013
SOMEWHERE IN 'THE STRETFORD END'!

We heed off to 'Muppetland' on the 'six bells' train tomorrow mornin' for this '12:45 bells' kick off @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' in Salford, near Manchester and (shud?) arrive just after 9:30!
'The Retro Bar' not far from the station will be wor forst 'liquid lubrication location' where several pints of the local brew will be consumed!

We can anly hope that we play much better than we did @ Swanzee (match report below!) and put in a 'Dr Jykell' performance rather than a 'Mr Hyde' one! >>>>>>>>>>
Aall 3,000 tickets allocated to us have (not suprizingleee!) been sold!

More to follow on aall this much later!---when we get back!

Thursday 5 December 2013

THE SWAN LAKERS 3 THE TOON 0 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted '2:40pm bells' Thorsday 5th December 2013
THE TOON (in dark blue) ATTACK THE SWANZEE GOAL
FROM A RARE CORNER! (View from row 'S')

"NINETEEN (and a half!) HOURS OF PURE PURGITORY!"

The torturous bus jorney started off ootside St James' Park, where aa boarded the coach just before '10 am bells' and 10 minutes later we were off on wor 750 mile 'epic'? roond trip to sooth Wales!

Withoot borin' yoo to death aboot bein' held up in jams and roadworks, we eventually arrived ootside Swanzee's groond at 'qwaata past six bells', some EIGHT hours (plus) after leavin' Tyneside!

This meant that we didn't have much drinkin' time before the kick off so we heeded for 'The Harvester' next to the groond, where three pints of 'Strongbow' were quickly dispatched doon mee 'Gregory', before heedin' for the tornstiles.

More than *2,000 Toon fans had made the awkward lang jorney and they were in good voice in anticipation of anothaa good result in the offing az the game kicked off! ---WRANG!
Wot we got waz one of wor 'Mr Hyde' performances and any excuses that ref Howard Webb didn't give us at least THREE blatant penalty shud not detract from an aaful performance @ The Liberty Stadium by us!

Both teams were c*ap in the forst period, with the anly action of note that aa can remember bein' a heeder by Loic Remy that waz tipped around the post by Swanzee keeper Vorm!


"THE WEBB OF DECEIT!"

And then in the second period 'the wheel came off' <(just like in a vorse of 'The Blaydon Races' song!) after we were denied TWO blatant 'hand baall' penalties for Remy and Cabaye and a shove in the back for Gouffran in the box, makin' THREE major penalty decisions missed by Webb??? <(yoo shud gan to 'Specsavers' mate!) 

Swanzee then took the lead through Shelvey when hiz shot waz deflected off Debuchy and az we didn't look az though we could hit a barn door at this stage it looked 'game ower' at this point!

Two forthaa home goals sealed wor fate az we faced wor forst defeat in five!
Like aa say Howard Webb didn't help us one bit, but wor inability to have any shots on target in the 2nd half proved to be wor doonfaall! "THREE NIL---TO THE REFEREE!"

We then faced the torturous jorney yem via detours for motorway closures arrivin' yem at '5:30 am bells' and nineteen hours plus after leavin' from St James'***
"NEVER AGAIN!" <(whey! aa said that the last time az well!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy Williamson (Yanga 77), Coloccini, Santon (Haidera 56), Sissoko, Tiote, Cabaye, Gouffran, Remy Shola Ameobi (Obertan 67)

Attendance: 20, 457 (more than 2,000 Toon fans?) <(some sources say anly 1,000 plus?) < (looked aroond aboot the 2,000 mark to me---like!)

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