Monday 30 July 2012


Updated '9:00pm bells' Monday 30th July 2012

Forst of aall---apologeeez for no update since last Thorsday!
This iz because 'The Geordie Times onterage' waz at 'The Algarve Tournament' in Portugal and we've just got back---like!

Game one: Friday 27th July--Estadio Algarve,"ne where near" Faro, Portugal (ground number 288)

Olympiakos 1  The Toon 1 (Steven Taylor)

Penalty shoot out: 4-4!?(Vuckic, Amalfitano, Perch, Abeid) (no winners?,just like the neet before when Olyimpiakos drew with Braga on penalties az well in the forst game of the tournament!??) 

A non descript match against the appropriately named Olympiakos (az this waz the same neet az the openin' ceremony of the Olympic Games back in London!) (thank god we missed THAT!) ended aall square afta a penalty shoot out in front of barely 1,000 spectators in this 30,000 seater stadium in the middle of ne where! (eight miles from Faro where we were stayin'!)

Steven Taylor scored wor anly goal in open play when hiz deflected shot from the edge of the box beat Roy Carroll in the Greeks goal.

The anly otha 'highlight'? of the game came when Modesto waz 'red carded' in the 73rd minute for a bad tackle on Amalfitano and they were reduced to 10 men.
This seemed to fire them up however! and (inevitably!) just five minutes later Olymiakos equalised through Mitroglu who wellied home from the twenty yards oot!

A penalty shoot out waz then the order of the day (just when we wanted to gan for a 'gargel') and when Cisse stepped up to take wor forst one he inexplicably blasted hiz shot ower the bar into the 5,000 empty seats behind that goal!
However!--that waz wor anly 'miss' oot of the five and with Olypiakos aalso missin' one it ended fowers each and a stalemate! (the forst time av EVER! seen a draw in a penalty shoot out!)

My origional guess of a crowd of aroond 4,000 waz wildly ridiculed by the rest of the 'mad-saddos' who accused me of havin' tooo much to drink! (whey!--we had been drinkin' aall day---like!) and their estimate was less than a thoosand!

It waz then a hectic drive back to Faro in a taxi driven by a woman who thought she waz Lewis Hamilton az she took the hairpin bends at 90mph ('The Caped Crusader' reckons it waz 92.5mph!) and she went through at least fower traffic lights 'on red'!----but we did get back in Faro for 'midneet bells' in one piece for a few 'liquids' before heedin' back to the hotel Santa Maria for some kip----"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!"

Toon team: Krul, Santon, Williamson, Perch, Steven Taylor (Dummett 46), Bigiriama, Gosling (Abeid 46), Obertan (Sammy Ameobi 72), Vuckic, Shola Ameobi (Cisse 72), Amalfitano

Attendance: anything between 500 and 4,000! (take your pick!)  (400 Toon fans) (7 Olympiakos fans!)

Game two: Saturday 28th July--Estadio Algarve

Sporting Braga 1 The Toon 2 (Ba, Ryan Taylor)

Again it waz back to The Algarve 'in the middle of newhere' Stadium for the last game of the tournament and just like the forst game there were aboot the same number of spectators in the stands which included a least two from Blackborn Rovers!
Aalso---(just like the forst game!) the openin' 45 minutes waz 'one to forget' az the game petered oot in front of the 29,000 empty seats!

It livened up in the second half however when 'Marveaux the magician' waz upended in the box, resultin' in a spot kick in the 63rd minute, which Demba Ba took. But he put his shot to the right of their keeper who parried oot!---However!--The baall fell very nicely back to Ba and he sidefooted  into the back of the Braga net to put us in front.

The ineveritable equiliser came just 3 minute later when a shot from Amorim caught Coloccini's leg and the baall went past the stranded Steve Harper in The Toon goal! 

Then! just az though we were lookin' likeleee to have to endure a second game in a row 'penalty shoot out', up stepped wor 'ower the waall specialist' Ryan Taylor to send a free kick from 25 yards oot sailin' ("er!")'ower the waall' into the back of the net in the 73rd minute for a spectacular winnin' goal and send the 400 'sun-kissed saddos' wild with delight.

Another trophy waz in the cabinet (to add to the one we won in Deportivo a while back!) and Coloccini held it aloft for aall to see!
It actually looked like a large brolly, but waz in fact supposed to be modelled on a local bridge!?

Toon team: Harper, Simpson, Ryan Taylor, Coloccini, Tavernier, Marveaux, Tiote (Cabaye 72), Gutierrez, Cisse, Ba (Vuckic 86), Sammy Ameobi (Obertan 88) 

Attendance: less than 1,000 (again, aboot 400 Toon fans---40 or so Braga fans and 2 Blackborn fans!)  


288 estadio algarve faro portugal

(Ground number 288)

Date of First Visit: 27th July 2012

Estadio Algarve, Faro, Portugal

Olympiakos  1 

Newcastle United 1 (Steven Taylor)

Drew 4-4 on penalties!?

Algarve Cup

Attendance: 500 to 4,000 (take your pick!) (400 Toon fans) (7 Olympiakos fans!)




A non descript match against the ‘appropriately’ named Olymiakos <(az this waz the same neet az the openin’ ceremony of the Olympic Games in London!)<(thank god we missed that!) ended aall square afta a penalty shoot out in front of barely 1,000 spectators in this 30,000 capacity stadium which waz in the middle of ne where and EIGHT miles from Faro where we were stayin’ and where the ground waz 'supposed' to be! (It waz aalso used for European championships)


Before the match at the tornstiles, aall bags were searched and the security gadgie on the gate tried to confiscate ‘Sarnie Steve’s Morrisons carrier bag full of sarnies and he waz forced to eat them ootside the ground before they would let him in!

It waz a sun drenched day and The Toon had a followin’ of aroond aboot 400, many of whom were holidaymakers who just happened to be in The Algarve for their summer break!

In complete contrast aa counted a total of SEVEN Olympiakos fans just alang from us!

Like aa say, the game waz non descript with Steven Taylor scorin’ wor anly goal in open play when hiz deflected shot from the edge of the box beat Roy Carrol in the Greeks goal

The anly otha ‘highlight’? of the game came when Modesto waz ‘red carded’ in the 73rd minute for a bad tackle on Amalfitano and they were reduced to ten men!

This seemed to fire them up however and (inevitably!) just five minutes later Olympiakos equalised through Mitroglu who wellied home from 20 yards oot!

A penalty shoot out waz then the order of the day (just when we wanted to gan for a ‘gargel’!) and when Cisse stepped up to take wor forst one, he inexplicably blasted hiz shot ower the bar into the 5,000 empty seats behind that goal!

However! That waz wor anly miss oot of five and with Olympiakos aalso missin’ one, it ended ‘fowers each’ and a stalemate! (the forst time a’v ever seen a draw in a penalty shoot out!?)

My original guess of a crowd of aroond 4,000 waz wildly ridiculed by the rest of the ‘mad-saddos’, who accused me of havin’ too much to drink! (Whey!---we had been drinkin’ aall day!---like!) and their estimate waz under a thoosand!

It waz then a hectic drive back to Faro in a taxi driven by a woman who thought she waz Lewis Hamilton az she took the hairpin bends at 90mph! (The ‘Caped Crusader’ reckons it waz 92.5!) and she went through at least fower traffic lights ‘on red’!---but we did get back to Faro for ‘midneet bells’ in ‘one piece’ for a few ‘liquids’, before heedin’ back to the Hotel Santa Maria for some much needed ‘kip’!  “ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!”

DAY TWO***Estadio Algarve!---again!
Dateline: 28th July 2012

Sporting Braga  1

Newcastle United  2 (Ba, Ryan Taylor)
Attendance: 500 (400 Toon fans) (40 or so Braga fans) (2 Blackborn fans?) (plus a few locals!)





Again it waz back to The Algarve ‘in the middle of newhere stadium’ for the last game of the tournament, where ‘Sarnie Steve’ had made contingency plans and had hiz doorstep sarnie clutched firmly in hiz teeth az we got searched once again az we entered the stadium!< (“gottle of gear” style!)

The security gadgie just looked at him dumbfounded az Steve waalked past, (‘sarnie in gob style’!)

(On the mornin’ of the game aa suggested that he hid hiz sarnies under hiz beanie hat to get in, but! the carrier bag waz too big and he had to abandon this method of smugglin’ hiz scran in!)

Anyway!---Enough of that!---There were aboot the same number of spectators in the stands az the day before and included at least two from Blackborn Rovers!?

AND!---just like the forst game the previous day!) the openin’ 45 minutes waz ‘one to forget’ az well, az the half petered oot in front of the 29,000 empty seats!

It livened up in the 2nd half, however! When ‘Marveaux the Magician’ waz upended in the box, resultin’ in a spot kick in the 63rd minute, which Demba ba took. But he put hiz shot to the right of the keeper who parried the baall oot back to Ba’s feet and he sidefooted it into the back of the Braga net to put us in front!

The ‘inevitable’ equaliser came just 3 minutes later when a shot from Amorim caught Coloccini’s leg and the baall went past the stranded Steve Harper in The Toon goal!

Then! Just az though we were lookin’ likely to endure a penalty shoot out for the 2nd game and day in a row, up stepped wor ‘ower the waall’ specialist Ryan Taylor, to send hiz free kick from 25 yards oot (“er!”) ‘ower the waall’ into the back of the net in the 73rd minute to send the 400 ‘sun kissed saddos’ wild with delight!

Anothaa ‘cup’ waz in the cabinet? (to add to the one we won in Deportivo a while back!) and ‘Captain Coloccini’ held the glitterin’ trophy aloft for aall to see!

It actually looked like a very smaall umbrella, but waz in fact supposed to be ‘modelled’ on a local bridge! and so it waz ‘indeed’ a ‘brolly good’ show<(sic!) from the ‘black n whites’ az we heeded back to Faro centre to celebrate wor famous? victory!



Thursday 26 July 2012


Posted '9:45pm bells' Thorsday 26th July 2012

'The Geordie Times' entourage will be flyin' off to sunny Portugal tomorrow mornin' from 'Toon Airport' for the 'Algarve Tournament', where we will play Olympiakos of Greece on Friday neet and Braga of Portugal on Saturday neet in Faro

Match reports will follow on theeze games when we eventualleeee get back! (nuw where did aa put mee sun tan lotion---like???)


Posted 10:00pm 'bells' Thorsday 26th July 2012

The Olympic futbaall tournament @ St James Park iz now upon us, and today @ 2:30 bells the forst game took place between the men of Mexico and Sooth Korea (0-0 full time!)---Then @ 5:30 bells we had the 'mooth waaterin' prospect' of seein' Gabon play Switzerland! (1-1 full time!)
Tickets were (not suprizingleee!) still on sale at between twenty and fifty quid for grown up kids and 'pay your age' for the youngins!

Security to get in waz just like 'Toon Airport' and fans were advised to get there at least AN HOUR? before the match starts, IF! yi wanted to see the kick off! 

Az aa waz in Glasgow for most of the day (work! NOT! the Olympic futbaall @ Hampden!) and didn't get back til  fower bells this afternoon---aa gave it 'a miss'---like!---BUT! still made 'The Straa'berry for this 'exclusive'  photo above!

 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' 'jet off' to 'The Algarve' orly tomorrow where The Toon are playin' the appropriately named OLYMPIAKOS of Greece on Friday neet in Faro and Braga on Saturday!

More to follow on aall this much! much! later!

Tuesday 24 July 2012


Updated '10:10pm bells' Wednesday 25th July 2012

The resorves 'sneaked' another behind closed door friendly 'in', on Monday, when they beat Ashington 5-1 at Darsley Park, Benton.
The Toons goalscoreres were Brad Inman (2), JJ Hooper, Marcus Maddison and Micheal Richardson.

Meeenwhile!--ower in Northern Ireland 'The Toons U17s' put on 'a show' to beat Pachuca of Mexico 6-0 @ The Ballymena Showgrounds, with Adam Campbell gettin' two of wor goals.
Alex Gilliead, Ronaldo Aarons, Greg Olley and Ryan McKinnon aalso got on the scoresheet!

Then!---yesterday!--wor U17s beat CSKA Moscow 3-1 in front of a 300 crowd at Ballymoney, with wor goals comin' from Adam Campbell (2) and Liam Smith and we progressed to 'the semis' of the Milk Cup, where, toneet at the same venue we beat  "Ne Where Near Bolton", Wanderers U17s  2-0 to reach the Milk Cup final! Adam Campbell and Ronaldo Aaarons were again on target and we will meet Desportivo of Brazil!

The match takes place tomorrow neet in Ballymena and yoo can rest assured that 'The Geordie Times' will bring yoo the result az soon az we find oot! (az per usual watch this space!)  

Saturday 21 July 2012


Posted '10:30pm bells' Saturday 21st July 2012

'The Companions Club' on Leazes Park Road waz the location for 'The mad-sad tellyhoppers' this time ('The Porcy' for last game!) and aroond aboot thorty saddos were present az the game kicked off!

The crowd at the game which looked aroond aboot 2,000, waz made up mostly of Torkish immigrants and we couldn't see any Toon fans from wor vantage point near to the telly in the lounge!? (aalthough we knew that at least FOWER NUFC mad-saddos were there!) 

The forst half ended goaless with 'The Toon' havin' the better of the play but we were unable to break doon the Fenerbahce defence.
The second period waz much the same until the deadlock waz broken in the 76th minute by 'super-sub' Mehdi Abeid--and wor number 39 took hiz goal cooly by slottin' the baall home from inside the box and this looked like winnin the game for 'The Toon'---but! reet at 'the death in the 90th minute the Torks equalised through Baroni who's shot from the edge of the box 'shud' have been saved by Elliot in 'The Toon' goal (but wasn't!) and soon after the ref blew for full time!

Attendance: 2,000 estimated (plus at least 4 Toon fans!)
Companions Club attendance: 30 'mad-sad tellyhoppers' (plus the barman caalled Joe who watched the game in between pullin' pints for the thorsy customers!) so!--includin' him it's 31! 

Special mention must gan to the fower mentioned 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers', who have been 'slumin it' in Jawmany/Austria for the last TEN DAYS, to de the three games on the tour!
Namelee! 'The Caped Crusader'---'Sarnie Steve'---'Glennn from Ashington' and 'Biffa the Bear'!
(the one from Whitley Bay--NOT! 'The Beano'!)

Biffa's 'pirate' Toon website , even gave me an 'inevitable' mention in his match report for wor game against Chemnitzer, so it's anly fair that aa repay him the compliment!?

Friday 20 July 2012


Updated '2:00pm bells' Saturday 21st July 2012

This evenin's friendly game against Fenerbahce of Torkey in Austria iz live on ESPN and 'The Companions Club' on Leazes Park Road, which iz within' eazy 'hocklin' distance' of St James' Park, behind the East Stand. (next road doon from St James' Street)
The club iz openin' especially to show the game @ 'six bells' ('6:30 bells' kick off)

Again!--very late confirmation of this game (when we were actually in Jawmany last week for the Chemnitzer game!) and financial considerations (ie: we contacted wor financial adviser---who telt us that we were skint!)--- Plus the fact that we're savin' up aall wor 'penneeez' in wor 'Geordie Times piggy bank' to gan to 'The Algarve Tournament' next week and Holland the week after!, meeenz that we reluctantlee will not be at the game 'live' (£500 retorn by air, last we hord!) (plus! 'doss hoose dosh' and 'booze budget'!)

But! 'The mad-sad tellyhoppers' will be in 'The Companions' in force! ("Er!"---aboot eight of us!) So why not join us for some 'tonsil ticklin' @ 'six bells' this evenin'?----aall welcome! (includin' Martians!)

PS: The match iz aalso been shown in 'The Three Bulls Knackers'---'The Porcy'---and 'The Union Rooms'! (az far az we naa!---like!)

'Mad-sad tellyhoppers' match report to follow later toneet! 

Monday 16 July 2012

THE TOON 1 v MONACO 0 (tellyhoppers report!)

Posted '10:40pm bells' Monday 16th July 2012

It's a lang! lang! time since aa last watched 'The Toon' on the telly (Indonesia  a few years back aa think??) but we had a grandstand view from the bar stoolz of 'The Porcy Arms' in the Haymarket which were handily placed in front of the 'big screenz',  where a Demba Ba heeder sealed Monaco's fate to send 'The Toon' diehards into raptures az they sat on the seats of the bar (one 'Jock' kidda waz 'flat oot' for the whole game!) (whey!---ten minutes actually!!!)

The 'diehards in question' were nameleeee---'Malla Weaze Keys Clayton'---'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' ("yee haaa-!") --'Dava the Raver' and of course 'Fink the mad-sad tellyhopper'! <(haz it reeely come to this!)

Anyway!---at least we won this time (unlike Chemnitzer!) and it waz a lang FIFTEEN MINUTE jorney yem back on the bus after several extra 'liquid refreshments' in 'The Straa'berry' next to 'St James'!
Attendance: 900 (30 mad-sad groundhoppers!)
Percy Arms attendance: 25 tellyhoppers!


Posted '3:55pm bells' Monday 16th July 2012

Unfortunatelee and unlike  the game against Chemitzer which we attended, (see match report below) we cannit be at the game toneet in Landsberg, az it waz such short notice to book flights and we didn't naa wetha this game would be behind closed doors anyway, or not played at aall, az waz rumoured last week! 
So we didn't take any chances, az we have done previously (see Sampdoria match report in the archive section!) and flew back  on Saturday after the Chemnitzer game.

However!--there will be at least FOWER 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' at the game!----nameleee!---The Caped Crusader---The Bear---Sarnie Steve and Glennn from Ashington!

The game iz live on ESPN @ '6:00 bells' and we will reluctantly have to watch it at some drinkin' establishment somewhere on Tyneside (divvint naa where yet!)

'Liquid lubrication match report' to follow later! (if we can find one showin' the game!?)

Sunday 15 July 2012


Posted 9:45am bells' Sunday 15th July 2012

For a list of the latest and unofficial 'Geordie Times' Toon squad numbers for the comin' season, click onto 'NUFC SQUAD NUMBERS 2012-2013' @ the top o' the page 

Saturday 14 July 2012

CHEMNITZER 1 (ANTON FINK)< (er! definatleee NOT me!) THE TOON 0

Posted '8:15pm bells' Saturday 14th July 2012

(Ground number 287)


In total it took me and 'Big Al' (NOT! the sheet metal workers son!) a total of TWENTY SIX hours to de the roond trip to east Jawmany---via Glasgow-Berlin-Dresden and Chemnitz and we've just arrived back at Saturday teatime after gettin' oot of wor Dresden hotel beds at five this mornin' to catch the train to Berlin and then the flight back to Glasgow! (aall flights to Newcastle were fully booked, az we'd left it so late to book, in case the game didn't take place!)

Because of the uncertainty of just who we could  be playin' later this week, we just booked a 'three day job' for the one match in this former communist country from behind the 'iron curtain'

There will be a full 'Geordie Times mad-sad groundhoppers' match/lack of pubs/rain report later this week, (it f*****' p*st doon most of the time!) but in the meantime here's the full 'horror story' of the match. (in more ways than one for me!)

New signin' Romain Amalfitano made hiz debut for The Toon who sported a slightly different black n  white kit from last season and wor otha debutant Geal Bigirimana came on az a sub at the mid point of the 2nd half 

A healthy lookin' crowd estimated by us az aroond the  six thoosand mark were boosted by aboot 150 Toon fans in the visitors section and another 50 or so in the main stand includin' many of the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!'

There'd been heavy rain since we'd got there, but it had faired up aboot an hour before kick off.
Things didn't start off well and Chemnitzers centre forward who waz caalled 'Fink' (believe it or not!)---scored in the 12th minute when he rifled in an effort past Elliot in The Toon goal.

'Glennn from Ashinghton' who waz sittin' next to me, said: "Shame on you!" az he shook hiz heed in disgust!---but! I waz "NOT GUILTY  M'LORD" az I was sittin' in row 2 of the main stand, miles from the action! (So divvint blame me---blame mee namesake!)

Anyway!---it waz a very forgettable game (apart from 'yee naa wot!') and despite SIX 2nd half substitutions, includin' new boy Bigirimana, Shola Ameobi and Demba Ba, we couldn't find a way through the thord division Jawman sides defence and we wandered off afta the final whistle, havin' lost to a 'Fink' goal, wonderin' just why we'd bothered!
(Aa waz then bombarded by HATE text messages from irate Toon fans back home, demandin' explanations!) ("HELP!") 
It's not 'Friday the 13th'---iz it????

Toon team: Elliot, Tavernier (Simpson 66), R Taylor (Santon 66), Williamson, Perch, Gosling, Abeid (Bigirimana 66), Amalfitano, Sammy Ameobi (Ba 74), Vuckic (Shola Ameobi 66), Obertan (Gutierrez 74)

Attendance: 6,700 (200 or so Toon fans)

287 gellert stadium chemnitz germany

(Ground number 287)

Date of First Visit: (Friday!) 13th July 2012

Gellert Stadium, Chemnitz, east Germany


Chemnitzer  1 (Anton ‘FINK’!)

Newcastle United  0


Friendly fixture

Attendance: 6,700 (estimated 200 Toon fans)



Because we booked this one so late (two days before departure) we ended up flyin’ from Glasgow to Berlin az aall the flights from ‘Toon Airport’ to Prague (the nearest airport to Chemnitz) were full!

It meant a two and a half hour drive up to Jockoland in the orly hours and ‘Big Al’ (NOT the sheet metal workers son!) took hiz jamjar which we parked in the lang stay carpark at the airport for the rip-off sum of £35 for 3 days!

The flight waz on time and we arrived in Berlin some two hours later.

A half hour ride later on the train to central Berlin meant that we had a little time for a few gargles before catchin’ anotha train to Dresden some two hours more doon the line.

The problem waz!—we couldn’t find any drinkin dens aroond the station area and in any case it waz p*ssin doon with rain!  It meant a desperate sorch aroond the huge station for at least somewhere where they had ‘hootch’!

Eventually we foond a food outlet which selt bottles of Jawman beer and so we settled doon for a couple before wor next leg of the jorney.

Wor peace waz shattered when a text message from ‘Mal the Skoool Teacher who telt us from back home that the clubs official site had just annoonced another game in Hungary for the followin’ weekend!

Anyway!---it waz time to get the choo choo train to Dresden and off we set off for southern Jawmany.

On arrival we were greeted by torrential rain, but ‘Big Al’ reckoned the hotel wasn’t too far awy and he had a Google map to find it.

After waalkin’ aimlessly aroond in circles for half an hour getting’ a complete drenchin’ we eventually foond wor digs on the side of a duel carriageway and we dumped wor bags and dried worsels off before venturin’ oot into the downpour once again! (for some much needed ‘gargel’ yoo understand!)

‘The Caped Crusader’ had torned up by this time (He’d been there since the day before!) and we heeded for the delights of Dresden city centre which had several buildins of architectural interest (if yih interested in that kind of thing!) but NOT many ‘drinkin dens’ that we could find!

We DID find some and after dodgin’ the rain showers we heeded back to the hotel for some much needed ‘dryin off’!


Next day it waz off to Dresden station for the one hour train ride to Chemnitz, but az we had loads of time to kill, we ended up watchin’ a toy train gan roond a model village on a glass domed table in the station concourse, before we heeded there, az there waz nowt open for some ‘tonsil ticklin’!  

We were that bored in fact, that we even noticed that the bald gadgie made of plastic on the roof of a model hoose on the table, waz layin’ some roof tiles! (half an hour later and he he waz still in the same position!) (see main photo!)



A healthy lookin’ crowd, estimated by us at aroond the six thousand mark were boosted by aboot another 150 Toon fans in the visitors section opposite us and another 50 or so in the main stand includin’ many of the ‘NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers’

There’d been heavy rain since we’d got there but it had faired up an hour before the kick off.

Things didn’t start off well and Chemnitzer’s centre forward who waz called ‘FINK’! (believe it or not!?) did the ‘unthinkable’ and scored against us in the 12th minute when he rifled in a fine effort past Elliot in The Toon goal! (H-E-L-P-!)

Glennn from Ashington, who waz sittin’ next to me, said in a raised voice: “SHAME ON YOU!” az he shook hiz head in disgust!---BUT!---“I WAZ NOT GUILY M’LORD!” az I was sittin’ in ‘row 2’ of the main stand---MILES! From the action! (so divvint blame ME!----blame mee ‘namesake’!)

New signin’ Romain Amalfitano made hiz debut for The Toon who sported a slightly different black ‘n’ white kit from last season and wor otha debutant Geal Bigirimana<(why can’t they have simple names to spell like ‘Jow Blogggz’?) came on az a sub at the mid point of the 2nd half.

Anyway!---it waz a very forgettable game (apart from ‘yee naa wot’!) and despite SIX 2nd half substitutions, includin’ new boy ‘Bigi’ <(az he had now been renamed!), Shola Ameobi and Demba Ba, we couldn’t find a way through the Thord Division Jawman sides defence and we wandered off after the final whistle, havin’ lost to a ‘FINK’ goal,and wonderin’ just why we  bothered!? (Aa’ll NEVA live it doon!)<(they won’t let me forget who scored the winnin goal!---will they?)


Aa was then ‘bombarded’ by HATE text messages (whey!---a couple, anyway!) by irate Toon fans back home, demandin’ explanations! (HELP!)


It’s not ‘Friday the 13th’!---IZ IT!???

Wednesday 11 July 2012


Updated '3:30am bells' Thorsday 12th July 2012

'The Geordie Times' haz been informed by wor NUFC club 'sauce' that 'The Toon' players are flyin' oot to Bavaria later this mornin' for this 'mystery tour of Jawmany/Austria?'

We say 'mystery tour' coz we still divvint naa for sure just where we are supposed to be playin' or indeed even in which COUNTRY('S') we are playin' in!?

However 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have 'hedged their bets' and will be heedin' for the Jawman toon of Chemnitz on Friday neet (via Glasgow, Berlin and Dresden!) where (hopefully?) we will be playin' a game against the local side!?

Sadly this iz the anly one of the 'alledged' three games that we will be doin', az we simply cannit afford to hang aroond Jawmany and Austria for ower a week waitin' for confirmation. (ie: we're not millionaires!) (rumour haz it that the game in Austria cud be 'behind closed doors' anyway!---if it gets played?)

It's 3:30am bells on Thorsday mornin' and the computa iz now gannin into three days hibernation, but will be up and runnin' again sometime on Saturday neet/Sunday mornin'! "ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!" 

Monday 9 July 2012


Updated '11:00pm bells' Tuesday 10th July 2012

<<< 'The Geordie Times's' Toon club 'sauce' haz informed us in strict confidence that NUFC will officially annoonce sometime today the details of wor pre season games in Jawmany and beyond! (at last!)

Apparentleeee!---even the players have been 'left in the dark' aboot wor pre season arrangements and aall will be revealed in less than 24 hours time!

Then!--mebeez we (the loyal and daft mugs---er!---fans!) can start makin' arrangements to fly to east Jawmany---Holland---and---Portugal---etc!---to support the team later this week! (just mebeez!?)

Wor club 'insider' haz aalso telt us that a resorve game against Leeds resorves iz aalso planned at some point soon at a venue and date yet to be decided! 
Meeenwhile!---in the Algarve Tournament, Braga have replaced Porto in the competition but kick off times and dates remain the same!

NO STONE! will be left untorned to give wor loyal readership the latest news, second hand---forst!  

REMEMBAA!---yi read aall this forst in 'The Geordie Times'!---your number ONE website for the latest and 'elusive news' from NUFC!---"er!"---sorry that shud read 'EXCLUUUUSIVE NEWS'!

PS: just foond oot!---NUFC team to fly to Jawmany on Thorsday morn!---GAME ON!


Updated '9:40am bells' Tuesday 10th July 2012 

With just THREE F**KIN' DAYS!  to gan nuw, (and coontin'!) before wor proposed game against Chemnitzer of Jawmany, there is STILL ne official conformation from NUFC that this game will definatlee gan aheed!---(it's unbelievable!) or indeed the proposed game against Monaco a few days later, aalso in Jawmany!---or! az we now hear-- there's another game rumoured in AUSTRIA!? against Torkish side Fenebache (ie: we divvint even naa which f**kin' COUNTRY! we are supposed to be playin' in!

Aalso, we hear that Den Haag (the 'Millwall' of Holland!) have 'supposedly'? arranged a friendly against us for Saturday August 4th @ '5 bells' in The Hague and that tickets are on sale to home fans (ne confirmation of course from 'The NUFC Secret Service'!) 

On top of that!---the trip to The Algarve Tournament at the end of July, which HAZ been conformed, we hear there's a proposed extra game in Portugal against Sportin Lisbon in the same week-----but again!---NE official word from NUFC aboot this, or where this iz to be played, so we are reluctant to book the flights til we find oot the dates!
'The Ronny-Gill' (Newcastle's evenin' newspaper)on Saturday states that these games will take place---BUT!---they've been wrang before az well!

This leaves us 'in limbo' az in the past, rumoured games which we have booked flights for on the continent, have been cancelled for one reason or anotha, leavin' us oot of pocket! (SEE BELOW!)
Aalso of course!---the langer we wait to book---the higher the price gans!

Just why they carnt let us know where we are playin' with little more than fower days to gan before the 'alleged' forst game---iz beyond us!?--- but sommik we've grown used to az the years gan by!

Typical Toon Tactics!?????

For conformed and unconformed fixtures***see below!----
Az yoo can see there are more question marks than answers!????? 

Conformed forst team fixtures

Friday 27th July
Olimpiakos @ Algarve Stadium, Portugal

Saturday 28th July
Braga @ Algarve Stadium (they replace FC Porto who we were due to play!)

Saturday 11th August
Cardiff City 'Redwings' @ Cardiff City Stadium, Wales

Unconformed forst team fixtures
(book flights and hotels at your peril!)

Friday 13th July
Chemnitzer in East Jawmany?

Monday 16th July
AS Monaco in Southern Jawmany?

Date to be conformed
Fenerbahce in Vienna, Austria?

Date to be conformed
Sportin Lisbon somewhere in Portugal?

Saturday 5th August
Den Haag in The Hague, Holland?

Aalso anly ONE resorve game haz been conformed so far?--which iz against Gatesheed on August the forst!
Posted 3:00pm bells' Monday 9th July 2012

If anybody's wonderin' just why we are SO RELUCTANT to 'take a chance' and book flights to Jawmany later this week for wor 'alledged' and 'unconformed friendlies' in Chemnitzer and in Austria (etc!)---then reeed this true story below!







ATTENDANCE: 23,078 (100 Sampdoria fans)


Just five hours from getting’ back from the away friendly at Hull, it was time to get up again and heed for the airport for The Toon’s next game against Sampdoria in Newcastle, via Amsterdam!

Before yi think that a’v gone completeleee ‘off it’---lerriz explain!

At wor last home game of the previous season, ‘Biffa the Bear’ (the one from Whitley Bay , not! ‘The Beano’) had telt iz that The Toon had been invited to play in the Amsterdam Tournament in August, but that it had’nt been ‘cast in stone’ yet!

He said that he’d ‘took a chance’ and aalready booked up, so that was good enough for me!, especially when aa foond oot later that Sky telly were runnin’ adverts sayin’ that they were coverin’ it and that The Toon were one of the participatin’ teams.

As the tournament was ower three days aa asked wor lass if she fancied gannin and she said: “AYE!”

AND SO! (as yi de!) aa went straight onto the KLM website to book two cheap seats to ‘The Seedy City’.

Wor lass’s son Craig then decided that he fancied gannin as well and so aa booked anotha couple of seats for him and his fiancée Vicky. (---so far so good!)

Me and wor lass then went on a short break to Ibiza and when we got back Craig telt us some devastatin’ news!------NO!---not that anybody had taken seriously ill or died!, but much worse than that!-----The Toon had ‘pulled the plug’ and WERE’NT playin’ in the Amsterdam Tournament after aall!

Aa was absolootleee devastated!---Aa meeen!----if they wee’nt gannin to Amsterdam, then where the f*** were they gannin???

Aa hung on for a few weeks before aa booked the hotel, just in case The Toon were playin’  somewhere else when we were in Holland.

The above mentioned away friendly against Hull was arranged for the forst of August. We were flyin’ on the second so aa’d got away with that one!

HOWEVER!----the next friendly was at home to Sampdoria the followin’ Sunday at ‘three bells’----the day we were due to fly back!

A quick look at the flight schedule conformed mee worst fears as the plane from Amsterdam was due to land at Toon Airport at half time!

And the fact that it sometimes teks ages to get through customs and a replacement bus sorvice for the Metro was on for that weekend, (just to hoy a spanner in the works!) meant that aa would miss the whole match unless!  aa changed mee flight time!

A (very!) quick discussion with wor lass then followed and it was decided that aa would just book meesel on an orlier flight and leave hor to catch the original flight back with Craig and Vicky!

It cost iz eighty quid extra to book a seat on the ‘ten to nine bells’ flight—but of course it meant that aa would’nt miss the match after aall! (a smaall? price to pay to see The Toon!???)

And so!---here we foond worsels at Toon Airport in the orly hours of thorsday mornin’ with fower seats to Amsterdam and ne matches to gan te!

To mek matters worse, we could’nt find any hotels in the centre of ‘The Seedy City’ for less than a hundred quid a neet!

and in any case they were aall full anyway!

We had ne option but to find a hotel near to the airport and ended up on the ootskirts of a toon caalled Hoofdorf which was some twenty miles from the city centre!

The hotel was in the middle of an industrial estate just to add to the ‘shambles’!

We decided to sample the delights of Hoofdorf for the forst day of the three, and heed for Amsterdam for the remainin’ two.

The hotel receptionist telt wih that it was a fifteen minute waalk to the toon centre and as it was a nice sunny day, ‘off we set’!

Some FORTY! minutes later we arrived in the toon centre for the afternoon ‘session’ and a bit ‘mosey’ aroond the shops.  (they must be (very!) fast waalkers aroond these parts!)

The shops were quite busy and we foond a café bar in the centre and plonked worsels on the seats ootside for some ‘Desperate Dan’ and a few ‘liquids’.

The village idiot, who in this case was a ‘scraggily haired’ road sweeper with a wheelie bin attached to the front of his bike, (would you believe?) was wearin’ a pair of ‘Elton John style’ sunglasses which had the number ‘2000’ attached to the front, with the middle two ‘00’s’ actin’ as the eye lenses!

He was taalkin’ away to himself as he swept the path and was totally oblivious to anyone starin’ at him as he peddled aroond in circles lookin’ aimlessly for some rubbish to sweep up!

It was soon time to ‘move on’ and after a couple more ‘liquid lubrication stops’ we heeded back on the ‘marathon trek’ back to the hotel for a ‘wash n brush up’ before the evenin’ session.


We decided to tek a taxi back to Hoofdorf as we’d done enough waalkin’ for a week! and when aa asked one of the locals in the hotel bar just what the nightlife was like in Hoofdorf he just laughed! (we soon foond oot why!)

We asked wor taxi driver, who went by the name of Jeffrey to tek us to the ‘nightlife’! and he dropped us off ootside a bar in a deserted street?

We had a few ‘gargels’ and decided to move on to the next ‘drinkin den’----the anly problem was!----we could’nt find any others open!

Eventually after wanderin’ the empty streets for twenty minutes we foond (what torned oot to be!) the anly otha booza open in the whole of Hoofdorf toon centre! (now renamed ‘Ghostowndorf’!)

An ‘enforced’ stay then ensued (aa meeen---where else was there to gan?) before we heeded back to the forst ‘waaterin hole’ for ‘last orders’

We were a bit p****d off by now and tried to find a taxi to tek us back to the hotel, but!----there was’nt a one to be seen!

Luckily  ‘Jeffrey’ had given Craig a card with his number on so we gave him ‘a bell’ to pick us up.

We went back to the hotel where, ironically, the Amsterdam Tournament was live on the telly. (the soul reason we had come here!)


Next day it was off to Amsterdam itself on the train to sample the delights of Dam Square and ‘The Red Light District’, which was a real ‘eye opener’ for Vicky, the anly one of us who had’nt been here before!.

‘The Seedy City’ is a very expensive place with prices aroond aboot double of that back home and several hours later (and several euros lighter!) we heeded back to the train station for the ‘ten bells’ train back to the airport.

From there we were to catch the free shuttle bus back to the hotel and the last one was at ‘qwaata past eleven bells’.

However!---after half an hour into the journey we realized that there was sommik wrang as the journey time was anly twenty minutes. The train then stopped at ‘Den Haag’ (The Hague) and aa realized that we had got on the wrang train at the wrang time!

By the time we’d got back to the airport (via Amsterdam once again!) we’d missed the last shuttle bus back to the hotel and had to folk oot the equivalent of thirty quid for a taxi to get us back!  (What else could gan wrang???------reeed on!)


Day three of the ‘Sampdoria sortie’ was soon underway and we decided to kill some time by tekin’ a cruse aroond the canals after we’d had ‘luncheon’ near to Dam Square.

And at 60 euros (£40) for fower omelet and chips and two roonds of drinks, it was’nt cheap!

It was then time to gan on wor ‘canal croooze’ (“er!” via the ‘sex museum’!) The boat was full on wor departure and a tape recordin’ telt us (in fower languages!) that there were ower a thousand bridges in Amsterdam and aboot five hundred kilometers of canals! (now that’s anotha bit of useless information that aa naa!)

After aboot half an hour we rounded a bend on one of the main canals to be confronted with hundreds of boats playin’ very loud music and they were packed to the rafters with people in pink garlands and shirts dancin’ to the rhythm of the beat.

They aall had messages on their shirts which said  sommik like, ‘AMSTERDAM GAAYE PRID WEIKEND’, and aa used mee vast knowledge of international languages (fluid Geordie and broken English!) to decipher that it actually said, ‘AMSTERDAM GAY PRIDE WEEKEND’!!!

Then it suddenly hirr-iz!---this was the reel reason that we could’nt get any hotel places in the centre of ‘The Seedy City’, as aall the, “I’m Freeee!”- ‘Gay Gordons’ and ‘Butch Bimbos’ had booked them, in what was the biggest ‘Gay Day’ in mainland Europe!

After we got off the boat we wandered the streets which was packed with them, in their leather jeans, chains, kinky leather boots and ‘Austrian style’ (very!) tight leather shorts, that left little to the imagination!----ie:----IT was time to make A SHARP exit!

We made for the other side of the train station where it was a lot quieter and ‘leather free!’ and we finished off the evenin’ session there, before heedin’ back to the airport once again (this time on the reet! train!) and then onto wor hotel.

It had certainly been an eventful weekend so far!

Aa, of course had to get up orly the next mornin’ (Sunday) to catch the ‘ten to nine bells’ flight back to Toon Airport for the Sampdoria match and aa said mee ‘goodbyes’ to wor lass at ‘qwaata to five bells’ and caught the forst shuttle bus to Schipol.

“PANIC STATIONS! (for a split second!)

When aa got to the airport terminal mee ‘tellin’ bone’ rang and it was a text message reportedly from KLM Airlines. It said: ‘Due to industrial action all flight will be severely disrupted!”

For a split second aa went into ‘panic station mode!’

But mee suspicions were raised when aa realized that a’d neva gave them mee mobile number in the first place? (ie: “aa smelt a rat!”)

A quick check to just who had sent it revealed that mee mate Davy had been tryin’ to wind me up!---panic ower!

The flight was bang on time and aa arrived back in the Toon at precisely ‘ten bells’ (five hours to kick off!---wots the panic???)

Forst stop was ‘The Three Bulls Knackers’ where Alan the manager was unboltin’ the doors (very good timin’!) and (as yi’d expect!) aa ordered a ‘Billy Bunter Brekky’, washed doon with a pint of ‘extra caad Smiths’!-----aa was nuw ready for ‘the off’! (so to speak!)

A few more liquids with ‘Grumpy Stumpy’, ‘Norman the Cowboy Plumber’ and the rest of the crew in ‘The Newcastle Arms’ and ‘The Labour Club’ and it was time to gan to the match!

The groond was less than half full as the game kicked off with ‘Level 7’ completely empty.

Sampdoria had brung aroond a hundred fans who were situated in the lower tier of ‘The Leazes’ and they were makin’ quite a racket, considerin’ their smaall numbers.

Both Alan Smith and Mark Vaduka who were both makin’ their debuts and went close at The Leazes End in the forst half.

The second period produced two goals from Smith, the forst one was disallowed for offside in the 51st minute, (it was’nt!) but ‘justice was done’ 20 mins later when he heeded in at close range from a Geremi corner.


Considerin’ that this was the forst time a’d flew to a HOME game (aa live aboot two miles from the groond!) and a’d actually been ‘on the hoy’ at Amsterdam airport at ‘six bells’, some NINE hours before kick off! (normally it’s three hours!) aa was a little bit ineebreeated! to say the least!

Wor lass’s flight was bang on time and me ‘din dins’ was waitin’ for iz as aa staggered in the hoose sometime later!

An eventful weekend???---your not f*****’ kiddin’!

©Fink™ (the mad-sad groundhopper!)