Thursday 31 July 2014

THE JAWMANY TOURNAMENT *** SATURDAY & SUNDAY

Posted '9:10pm bells' Thorsday 31st July 2014

Tomorrow mornin' we set off for Dusseldorf in Jawmany with a heavy heart, az of course both Liam 'from the Lamp' and John 'The Undertaker' will be missin' from wor flights, due to the tragic events in the Ukraine a fortneet ago!

The Toon are playin' in the city of Gelsenkirchen where Schalke 04 play their home games and forst up iz a game against Spanish opposition in the shape of Malaga on Saturday @ '3:30 bells', followed by Schalke's game against 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham in this fower team tournament @ '5:45 bells!

And then on Sunday, followin'  'The Jellied Eels Mob's' game against Malaga @ '3:30 bells', we play the hosts @ '5:45 bells' in the final game!

A full 'Geordie Times' match report(s) on both wor games will be forthcomin' sometime next Tuesday, when we get back!

RIP 'The Undertaker' and 'Liam from the Lamp', yoo will both be sadly missed!

SHEFF WED 0 TOON X1 1

Posted '11:47am bells' Thorsday 31st July 2014
The flag says: "DEATH ENDS A LIFE NOT A RELATIONSHIP
MH17 -RIP JOHN & LIAM
ONE CITY, ONE CLUB, ONE LOVE, ONE FAMILY"

A mainly resorve team made up wor numbers last neet in northern Sheffield and we ran oot 1-0 winners with wor anly goal comin' from new boy Ayoze Perez with a spectacular effort at the mid point of the 2nd half!

A minutes applause waz given from the away fans in The Leppings Lane End of Hillsborough in the 28th and 63rd minutes of the game in honour of John 'The Undertaker' and Liam 'from the Lamp' who died in such tragic circumstances a fortneet ago today on their way to The Toon's tour of New Zealand.

Attendance: 10,173 (2,000 Toon fans)

Next up iz the forst team's Jawmany weekend adventure and we will be flyin' to Dusseldorf in the mornin', sadly withoot Liam and John! RIP
More to follow on aall this later toneet

Wednesday 30 July 2014

SHEFF WED v A TOON XX *** TOONEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 30th July 2014


Tooneet The Toon are sendin' a young squad doon to Hillsborough for the friendly against Sheff Wed.

Non of wor World Cup players are expected to start and it iz unlikely that many of the team who played in the ill fated New Zealand tour last week will start eethaa?.

So if yoo are plannin' to gan, expect the same az wot we got at Oldham, when 20 plus players were used by us in that game!

The Toon fans will be housed in 'The Leppings Lane End'

A 'Geordie Times' match report of the game will appear here sometime tomorrow afternoon!

THE UNDERTAKER AND HIZ APPRENTICE!

Updated 'high noon bells' Wednesday 30th July 2014

A'v just published mee two story's on the groundhoppin' travels of John 'The Undertaker' and Liam 'from the Lamp'.
I have travelled with 'The Undertaker' for many years aall ower the UK and Europe watchin' The Toon and more recently with Liam, who I had known for just two years.

Liam waz reeely gettin' into the 'groundhoppin scene' and had been with me to ridiculous places like Sporz trainin' groond in London to watch the resorves and Carrington, the trainin' groond of Man U to watch wor juniors in action! (when the advertisin' boards 'invaded' the pitch!)

'The Undertaker' had amased an amazin' 332 or 333 different groonds (I'm not sure?) watchin' The Toon and Liam at 35 years hiz junior, waz hiz 'apprentice'!

Yesterday aa did the trip to Madeira , just off the north African coast from two years ago, when I mistakenleee ate John's veggy meal while he waz asleep on the plane comin' home!
And today a'v published the Man U 'advertisin' board pitch invasion' story!


RIP John and Liam---Yoo will NEVER be forgotten by us!

PS: John 'The Undertaker' waz aalso (allegedly!?) known by anothaa name! (see below!)

GROUND 307 *** THE COCKNEY REDS OF SALFORD U18s 1 THE TOON U18s 2 ETC!


(Ground numbers 307 A & 307 B)
Date of First Visit:  25th January 2014
AON Training Complex, Carrington

Pitch 'A'
Manchester United U18s 1
Newcastle United U18s 2 (Rolando Aarons, Adam Armstrong)
Attendance:101 <(aa counted them!)  (includin' 4 NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!) <(ie: 'us'!) 

Pitch 'B'
Manchester United U16s 1
Newcastle United U16s 2 or 3??? (scorers unknown?)
Attendance 60 or 70 (includin' 'us' strainin' wor eyes to see the far pitch when there waz a 'lull in play' in the U18s game!)

FA Premier U18 & U16 League


"WOT AN 'ADVERT' FOR THE GAME!"



A 'AON' ADVERTISIN' BOARD 'STOPS THE GAME' WHEN IT IZ
BLOWN ONTO THE PITCH BY THE CORNER FLAG!
(ONE OF THREE SUCH INCIDENTS IN THE FORST HALF!)

The day started off @ '8:30am bells' when 'Michael the Mag' picked me up in 'Thunderbird 2', which he'd cunningly disguised az a 'Ford Focus Zetac 1.6!) (or waz it a '1.8'?)
The two othaa saddos in 'The Bird' were 'Glennn from Ashington' and 'Liam from the Lamp' and before lang we aall fell asleep az me and Liam had been workin' neetshift and Glennn waz knackered 'with the drink' from the neet before!

We awoke to find worsels stuck in a traffic jam on the 'M60' Manchester ring road, but we had left plenty of time to get there and after a half hour delay we were on wor way to Carrington, which iz a little village on the ootskirts of 'Mancland' some six miles distant!

There waz a guy on a barrier on the road into the trainin' complex and he asked us why we were there?. "To watch Newcassel" came the reply from Michael. He then asked if we were related to any of the players and before the othaa three of us had had a chance to say "YES", Michael replied "NO!"
He wasn't gannin' to let us in at this point, so we telt him that we were 'scouts' and had phoned orlier and had been given the necessary 'clearence' to get in, so he hesitatingly opened the barrier to let us through! <("Phew!"---it waz a close caall---but we'd 'made it'!) <(ne thanx to 'Michael the Mag' though!)

We parked up and heeded for the warmth of the canteen area, where free cups of tea coffee and chocy biscuits were on offer, an 'offer' we didn't refuse! <(but where were the bacon sarnies?) <(the tight bustards!)

Anyway! it was soon time to heed for the pitch where the U18s game waz bein' played and there waz a smaall stand on the far side, so we heeded for that, az rain looked 'imminent' <(how right we were!--as we soon foond oot!)

The U16s game waz on the far pitch, but we did have a view of it, so we could 'multi-task' durin' 'lulls in play' in the U18s game! <(yes!--- we reeely ARE that sad!)

The sequence of events were az follows! (both games kicked off at virtually the same time of '12:30 bells')

1st HALVES:

'12:40 bells': U16s gan one behind but we missed it az we were watchin' the othaa game!

'1:00 bells': nowt to de with the game, but a helicopter takes off with Juan Mata on board, MUFCs £37 million record signin' and he flies off into the distance! (this waz conformed later on SKY!)
"COPTER FOR LONDON!" *** "OH DEAR WOT CAN THE 'MATA' BE!?"

'1:06 bells': Rolando Aaarons runs through the Manc defence and fires home into the far corner of the net to put wor U18s 'one up'

1:10 bells': The skies darken and sheets of rain and sleet come doon az the gale force wind blows an advertisin' board into The Man U penalty area, completlee suprizin' Dean Henderson in goal and he had to drag the board off the pitch az the ref stopped the game! <(it 'suprized' me az well, and a missed a great 'foto opportunity'!) 
This brought huge roars of laughter from the smaall crowd az the weather worsened! (PS: Aa managed to get the foto off  'U Tube' a couple of days later (see top foto)

'1:15 &1:16 bells': 'The boards' 'invade the pitch' once again and the ref and linesmen drag them away! <(Aa missed this az well, but managed to get an 'excluuusive'? foto of a board on pitch near corner flag! (see 2nd top foto!)

2nd HALVES:

"THE HEAVENS OPEN AZ HAIL THE SIZE ON GARDEN PEAS
FAALL FROM THE SKY!"
(CAPTURED BY THE MUTV CAMRAAZ ON THE HALFWAY LINE!)

'1:25 bells': Thunder and lightnin' and hailstones the size of garden peas faall from the sky az the players run oot for the re-start!

1:27 bells': The U16s equalise at the goal nearest to us from a corner and this time aa capture the 'moment' on camraaa az wor 'man in yellow' rises above the MAN U defence to heed home!
THE TOON U16s SCORE AT THE START OF THE 2nd HALF
'1:30 bells': Both games are stopped az the weathaa worsens and we get soaked, even though we are standin' at the back of the smaall stand!

'1:35 bells': Both games resume, but are soon stopped again az the wind nearly blows the stand away!

'1:40 bells': Just when it looks az though the games will have to be abandoned the storm passes and play resumes. Man U take advantage and equalise in the U18s game!

1:52 bells': The U16s take the lead, but again, az we are watchin' the othaa game, we miss it!

1:56 bells': Double joy az the U18s re-take the lead in that game through Adam Armstrong who beats the Manc keeper with a fine effort!-- The Manc fans moan aboot wor players connin' the ref and Glennn gets into a runnin' argument with them! <(boxin' gloves at the ready!)

'2:10 bells': The U16s game finishes, but there iz some confusion az to wether we won 2-1 or 3-1? <(we still divvint naa a day later!) (PS: The U16s anly play 40 mins each way)

'2:20 bells': The final whistle eventually blows in the U18s game,  and we de the 'double' away to Man U, but thankfully there are 'ne blows' between Glennn and 'The Manc moaners' az they slunk away, tails between legs!

Wor THORD win against them away this season includin' wor memorable 1st team victory @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' <(lang may it continue!








 

Tuesday 29 July 2014

291 estadio dos barreios, maritimo, madeira


(Ground number 291)

Date of First Visit: 20th September 2012

ESTADIO DOS BARREIROS, FUNCHAL, MADEIRA (Portugal)

MARITIMO  0

NEWCASTLE UNITED  0

EUROPA LEAGUE GROUP STAGE

Attendance: 4,000 (estimated) 150 Toon fans (includin’ some holiday makers!) (plus 50 watchin’ from the cliff face road!)

 

“WELCOME TO THE HOUSE OF ‘FUN’CHAL!”

The marathon jorney to Madeira off the north African coast started at ‘8:30am bells’ on the Wednesday mornin' when aa said goodbye to wor lass for three days and heeded for the bus stop to catch the bus to the Toon and then onward to Toon airport via the Haymarket Metro station.

“A transfare to the airport!” aa said to the bus driver. “We divvint gan to the airport!” he replied!

“AA NAA THAT!” said ‘I’---“AA’M GETTIN’ A METRO THERE FROM THE BUS STATION!---THAT’S WHY AA WANT A TRANSFARE TICKET” (WOT A THICK TW*T!) (note: a ‘transfare’ iz wot yoo ask for if yer usin’ the bus AND the Metro!)

A paid mee £3.90 fare and off to the airport it waz (but NOT on the bus of course!)

A said mee goodbyes to ‘thicko’ and caught the next Metro to the airport, where mee forst ‘port o caall’ waz (of course!) the pub beside the check in desks!

‘The Caped Crusader’ then torned up and we were soon on wor way to Brussels airport on the forst leg of wor jorney. With five hours to spare in Brussels we had plenty of time to sample the expensive Belgian beers on offer and at nearly 12 euros for two ‘Leffe Blonds’<(a message to wor lass---er!---that’s beer by the way my dearest!) it soon put a dent in mee budget!

It waz then onward to Lisbon to catch the last flight to Madeira where we arrived at ‘midneet plus thorty bells’the next mornin’ totally ‘cream crackered’ by this time!

The pre booked taxi to wor hotel waz waitin’ at Funchal airport and we eventually arrived at wor hotel in Funchal (the capital of Madeira) at ‘1:40am bells’----to find it locked up and ne sign of life!

After brayin’ on the door and ringin’ the hotel intercom bell for ten minutes we eventually got a reply from the manager who let us in and we finally got to sleep half an hour later!-----“ZZZZzzzz!!!!”   

Next day (or shud that be a few hours later!?) we got up and after a quick shower and scran it waz off to explore the delights of Madeira. (the boozers!)

With the kick off at ‘six bells’ in the evenin’ and with the ground high in the moontains of Madeira we started off in the harbour area @ aroond '10:30 bells', before startin’ the steep climb towards a huge yellow tower crane which waz next to the ground.


"A POSH BAR NEAR THE HARBOUR!"
("WUD WE DRINK ANYWHERE ELSE?")

After several ‘ports o caall’ we made for the ground which waz on a very steep incline (aboot 1 in 4!) and eventually arrived at the ticket office with aboot an hour to spare before the kick off to hand wor vouchers in in exchange for wor match tickets, where we half expected that epic explorer Ranulf Fiennes to greet us and present us with medals for completin’ the climb (the tw*t wasn’t there!)

However!--- there waz an NUFC official to greet us instead! and he telt us that we had selt a grand total of 83! tickets for the game!  But on enterin’ the buildin’ site ground (with it’s yellow crane!) we cud see that there were quite a few holiday makers who were there az well! (this boosted the attendance to aroond 150 in wor section!) (apparentleee---aall yi had ti de waz show a British passport and yoo got a ticket?) (so why oh why did we have to fill application forms in at the NUFC ticket office to get vouchers in exchange for the tickets???)
"SPOT THE YELLOW CRANE!"

Three sides of ‘The Estadio Dos Barrios’<(‘The Doss Hoose Stadium’!)< (Geordie translation!) were under construction and the anly section open waz on the main stand side and there looked to be aroond aboot 4,000 inside az the game kicked off, with quite a few watchin’ from a cliff face road high above the ground to wor reet hand side (another 50 or so, we reckon!)

A mainly resorve team, apart from the back fower who had played at Goodison Park the previous Monday, ran oot to applause from the travellin’ faithful---and holiday makers!

It waz a terrible game really, although we DID hit the woodwork three times durin’ the match! (Shola twice and Dan Gosling!)

The home side aalso hit the woodwork once, but it waz anotha shambolic European away performance to forget! (well worth the hundreds of poonds it had cost us to get there!---NOT!)

After the match we heeded back doon the moontainside to the various boozers we had drank in on the way up (much easier doonhill!)

 

“YI COULDN’T MAKE THIS! UP!”

We stayed up aall neet and of course we were completeleee 'blotto' (az yi'd expect!) by the time we heeded back to the airport at ‘4 am bells’ to catch the forst of three fights back to The Toon.
(17 and a half hours of continueous drinkin' takes it toll!) (Er!---that's apart from 90 minutes at the match!---like!)

The forst one back to Lisbon took two and a half hours and then we had to wait a fortha FIVE hours for wor next flight to Brussels again! (it waz anly FIVE euros a pint here, as opposed to SIX in Brussels)

For some unknown reason on the next flight to Brussels we were put into ‘Business Class’ seats where yoo are wined and dined!

Az we’d had ne sleep we ‘crashed oot’ straight away and aa cannit even remember takin’ off!

Halfway through the flight, aa woke up to see a hot meal on the middle seat tray table (no one waz sittin’ in that seat) and aa peeled the top of the meal carton back to reveal that it waz some kind of meat curry!  

Az ‘The Caped Crusader’ iz a non meat eater and waz still asleep, aa naturally thought  that the steward had left it there for little old ME!, SO! (az yi de!)  aa started eatin’ it!

Aa waz just aboot to gobble up the last forkful when the steward approached me and said: “THAT WASN’T YOUR MEAL, SIR!---IT WAS A VEGETARIAN MEAL FOR YOUR FRIEND IN THE WINDOW SEAT!”

"SH*T!"---aa thought, and just then ‘The Caped Crusader’ awoke from hiz slumbers and aa had to tell him that a’d scoffed hiz scran!

“A’M  F*****’ STARVIN’!”, he said, az he looked at me daggerfaced!-------A sheepish grin came across MY face, followed by a grovellin’ apology!(Er!---well!--sort of!)

 But there WAZ a happy endin’ to this story, az a ‘fish dinner’ waz foond for him instead az he can eat fish! (he said he wouldn’t have eaten the veggie curry anyway, az he didn’t like curry!)

PLUS!--- aa got another meal of ‘proper meat curry’ az well! ---“HA!--- HA!”

On the final flight from Brussels to Toon airport he fell asleep again!

A stewardess this time asked who waz ‘the veggie’ and aa pointed to ‘The Caped Crusader’ who again waz sittin’ in a window seat.

Aa carefully folded hiz tray table doon and placed hiz meal in front of him!

20 minutes before we were due to land he awoke and before aa had time to say owt, he folded hiz tray table up and his veggie meal fell onto the floor and disappeared underneath the seat in front!----NEVER! To be seen again! (HONEST!---THIS  F*****’  TRUE!)

After catchin’ the Metro and bus from the airport aa finally arrived yem at preciseleee ‘9:35pm bells’ totally ‘cream crackered’ once again some 17 hours and 35 minutes after leavin’ Madeira!

Aall in the life of an ‘NUFC mad-sad groundhopper’!

 

©Fink™ (the mad-sad grJundhJpper!)

 

Saturday 26 July 2014

WELLINGTON PHEONIX 0 THE TOON 1

Posted '9:38pm bells' Saturday 26th July 2014

The 2nd and final game of the ill fated 'New Zealand Tour' saw 'The Toon' run oot 1-0 winners in Wellington in the orly hours of this mornin', with the anly goal of the game comin' through Yohan Gouffran who scored just before the break, when he heeded home a cross from Vernon Anita!

Next up for the forst team iz the tournament in Jawmany next weekend, when we will be travellin' to Dusseldorf via Amsterdam----sadly withoot both 'Liam from the Lamp' and John 'The Undertaker', who were cruelly taken from us in the Ukraine nine days ago!

Again--a minutes applause waz given to both Liam and John in the 28th and 63rd minute---their ages!

Attendance: 30,968

Sorry if this iz a brief match report, but the tragic events of last week still haunt us!----We will be doin' some 'Geordie Times' archive ground specials in the next week in honour of both super fans!



Watch this space in the next few days!

PS: A NUFC X1 are in action @ Hillsborough this comin' Wednesday against Sheff Wed <(who else on a Wednesday!?)
Kick off '7:45 bells'    

Friday 25 July 2014

WELLINGTON PHEONIX v THE TOON **** TOMORROW

Posted '1:40pm bells' Friday 25th July 2014

The second and final game of wor ill fated New Zealand tour teks place in Wellington tomorrow at the Westpac Stadium and 27,000 tickets have been sold for this so far. (32,000 capacity)

We will post the score 'on line' in due course when we find oot the result.
Liam 'from the Lamp' waz to send us a match report of this game az well! (wot can we say?)

Thursday 24 July 2014

MH17 *** A WEEK ON

Posted '1:00pm bells' Thorsday 24th July 2014

It seems like anly a couple of days ago, but a week haz now passed since the terrible events in the Ukraine last Thorsday!

We wornt the anly ones to suffer of course az 298 perished in this atrocity
3 families from Holland were completely wiped oot in an instant az well az wor two loyal friends John 'The Undertaker' <(he wore a black suit to games) and Liam 'from the Lamp' <(Liam lived in a block of flats in the 'Big Lamp' area of the Toon, which iz within qwaata of a mile from St James' Park)

We are meetin' in The Strawberry pub in the shadows of St James' on Saturday between 12 and 1 bells for anybody who feels the need to taalk aboot the tragedy

We can anly apologise for not updatin' this site on a regular basis like we used to, but the events of the last 7 days have completely 'knocked the stuffin' out of me and many who knew both of them!

'The Undertaker' and Liam will never be forgotten by us! RIP    

Tuesday 22 July 2014

SYDNEY 0 THE TOON 4 (IN DUNEDIN, NEW ZEALAND)

Posted '12:20pm bells' Tuesday 22nd July 2014
MANAGER ALAN PARDEW AND CLUB CAPTAIN
FABRICIO COLOCCINI PAY TRIBUTE TO JOHN AND LIAM BEFORE THE MATCH

The Toon ran oot easy 4-0 winners in the Forsyth Barr Stadium but of course both Liam 'from the Lamp' and John 'The Undertaker' were sadly missin' from the 10,000 crowd.

Liam waz to e mail me pix of their time there, plus the match report for 'The Geordie Times', but tragically the Ukraine waz as far az they got

We've nicked the pic from anothaa site and it haz to be reported that a minutes silence waz impeccably observed in their memory

De Jong opened the scorin' for us in the 18th, hittin' the baall into an empty net

Riviere got wor 2nd 8 minutes later when he forced the baall home

A minute applause then followed in the 28th minute in memory of Liam who waz just 28 years old

Yanga then made it 3 in the 33rd minute through a wicked deflection

A 2nd minutes applause followed in the 63rd minute for 'The Undertaker' who waz 63

Adam Campbell got wor 4th and last goal in the 82nd minute, beatin' the Sydney keeper at the near post

RIP JOHN AND LIAM  YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN! 

Monday 21 July 2014

FAIR PLAY TO THE MACKEMS!

Posted '9:00am bells' Monday 21st July 2014

News that Sund'lind fans have help raise ower £20,000 for John 'The Undertaker' and Liam 'from the Lamp' iz a magnanimous gesture from wor fiercest rivals!
This transends futbaall rivalry! fair play to them! and thanx from aall @ 'The Geordie Times' and Toon fans everywhere!

There's anothaa fund set up caalled "flag and funeral costs" which haz been set up by Toon fans!

See www.nufc.com for details of how to donate to both funds!

Family and friends are meetin' @ the Bobby Robson statue @ 12 today to show their respects to the loyalist of Toon fans---aall welcome!

RIP LIAM AND JOHN

Saturday 19 July 2014

JOHN AND LIAM RIP

Posted '12:30pm bells' Saturday 19th July 2014

The shockin' and tragic news that loyal supporters John 'The Undertaker' and Liam 'from the Lamp' lost their lives in the Ukraine air crash when their plane waz shot doon, haz stunned me and aall Toon fans!

They were just goin' to follow their team to New Zealand and paid with their lives!

I don't know wot else to say except that they were both great friends and will be sadly missed!

There waz a minutes silence last neet at Gatesheed Stadium when The Toon resorves took on Gatesheed. A game in which the home side won 2-0

'The Undertaker' (aka 'The Caped Crusader') waz a season ticket holder at BOTH clubs!

Today at Federation Park Dunston there will be anothaa minutes silence to both fans when Dunston play Whitby in a friendly.

Both John and Liam were at Dunston's away friendly last Saturday at Birtley

RIP JOHN AND LIAM

Thursday 17 July 2014

EMMANUEL'S THE MAN!

Posted '1:00pm bells' Thorsday 17th July 2014

Emmanuel Riviere became wor 5th signin' in the transfor window and things are startin' to look a bit brighter now for the new season.

He iz a much needed striker and haz signed from AS Monaco for an undisclosed length of time for an undisclosed fee!

Still ne official news of wethaa Dutch international defender Daryl Janmaat haz signed for us from Feyenoord---but fear not!---'The Geordie Times' will keep yoo posted when the deal gans through (or NOT az the case may be???) 

NUFC SQUAD 2014-2015 *** IN's AND OOT's! *** SO FAR! *** 5 IN! *** 11 OOT! ***

Updated  '1:00pm bells' Thorsday 17th July 2014
JACK COLBACK *** "R U WATCHIN' BLUNDERLAND!?"
"14 DAYS TIL THE CLOSE OF THE TRANSFOR WINDOW!"
("AND COOONTIN'!")

Emmanuel Riviere iz wor latest signin' and joined us from Feyenoord yesterday for an undisclosed fee



IN *** "FIVE!"

Joon 6th  *** Ayoze Perez from Tenerife for £1.5 million

Joon 9th *** Jack Colback from the SMBs for NOWT!

July 1st *** Siam De Jong from Ajax for £6 million

July 13th *** Remy Cabella from Montpellier for a reported fee of £12 million

July 16th *** Emmanuel Riviere from Feyenoord for an undisclosed fee

THAT'S IT FOR THE 'IN's so far!


OOT *** "ELEVEN!"

May *** Luuk De Jong back to Borussia 'Munchin'gladbach from hiz loan deal <(We've scored az many goals for The Toon az he did!)

May *** Loic Remy back to QPR from hiz loan deal

May *** Dan Gosling to Bournemooth for nowt

May *** Michael Richardson

May *** Conor Newton to Rotherham for nowt

May *** Jonathan Mitchell to Derby for nowt

May *** Steve Logan

May *** Brandon Miele

May *** Shola Ameobi

Joon 28th *** James Tavernier to Wigan for an undisclosed fee

July 1st *** Romain Amalfitano <(thank god we wont have to spell hiz name anymore!) to Dijon for nowt

  

Wednesday 16 July 2014

("AA TOLD 'IM!") OLDHAM 2 TOON XV111 1

Posted '1:33pm bells' Wednesday 16th July 2014

"RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE!"
TOON FANS HEED THROUGH THE OLDHAM JUNGLE
IN A DESPERATE SEARCH FOR A BOOZER!
"IZ THAT A WAATERIN' HOLE IN THE CLEARING!?"
"SANCTUARY!!!"

The forst pre season friendly of the season took place at a very sunny Boundary Park last neet and it took wor new 'talisman' Siem De Jong just 14 minutes to open hiz goalscorin' account with a cracker from 20 yards after hiz initial free kick on the edge of the Oldham box reboonded nicely for him!
THE DE JONG FREE KICK WHICH LED TO THE GOAL
(NOTE THE TOON FAN AT THE FRONT AALREADY CELEBRATIN'!)

The thooosand or so Toon fans behind the goal celebrated wildly in wot looked like a 4,000 crowd in total! (later given az less than 3,000!?)
Othaa debutant Colback waz aalso on the pitch from the start az The Toon dominated for the forst 30 minutes of the game but then 'downed tools' for the rest of the match! (Perez made hiz debut in the 55th minute)

SOME OF THE 1,000 TOON FANS!

The last 60 minutes waz a lang drawn oot affair and only livened up again when the home sided heeded an equaliser in the 65th minute through Deing, who waz completeleee unmarked!
To be honest it waz hard to tell the teams apart sometimes in the glarin' sun, az Oldham played in dark blue and The Toon played in grey! <(surely a colour clash?)
"SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!"

The 'nail in the coffin' came 10 minutes before time when a Gross misteak by Jak Alnwick in the Toon goal let a shot by 'Gros' gan under hiz body and into the net!


Before the match we'd 'trekked'  through wot looked like a replica of the jungle near 'Manus' (where 'Ing-er-land' played in the World Cup! ) to eventually find a boozer called 'The Rifle Range', which waz bedecked in Oldham colours from the waalpaper to the curtains!---plus a tribute to Joe Royal!



The locals were canny enough and after a few 'liquid refresments' to quensh wor thorsts in the humid conditions,  it waz soon time to fight wor way back through the jungle in the tropical heat to Boundary Park on the othaa side!

In total EIGHTEEN players were used durin' the match (hence TOON XV111 !), most of them resorve and junior players!

Toon team: (ddeep breath!) Alnwick, Anita (Satka 55), Dummett (Bigiramana 70), Steve Taylor (Streete 63), Yanga, Colback, Aarons (Haidera 63), Armstrong (Perez 55), De Jong (Vuckic 64), Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi 46), Abeid

Attendance: 2,919 (estimated 1,000 Toon fans)

Tuesday 15 July 2014

"AA TOLD 'IM" OLDHAM v THE TOON *** TOOONEET!

Updated '12:47pm bells' Tuesday 15th July 2014

Wor forst pre season game of the season teks place toneet and we will be settin' off from Tynside in mid afternoon for this '7:30 bells' fixture across the Pennines!

We expect that three of wor news signins will be playin, namely Colback, Perez and Seim De Jong but think that the rest of the team will be made up mainly of resorve players!

A full Geordie Times' match report will appear HERE on Wednesday!---Meeeenwhile!---we have 'dug up' an archive report from 'The mad-sad groundhopper's' forst ever visit here 35 years ago in 1979 (see below!)

"Fresh fish!" *** "Caught in the ocean this morning!"

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Meeeenwhile! the forst roond of live telly games have announced and we have got off lightly az far az Monday neet games gan!

Sun Aug 17th '4 bells' The Blue Moonies @ St James' on SKY

Sat 23rd Aug '12:45 bells' The Hazbeenz and Villians @ Villa Park on BT

MON 29th Sep '8 bells' The P*ss Potters @ The Brit Stadium on SKY

Sat 1st Nov '12:45 bells' The Liverbirds @ St James' on BT

Sun 9th Nov '1:30 bells' The Baggie Troosers @ The Hawthorns on SKY

Monday 14 July 2014

"CABELLA'S THE FELLAA!"

Posted '1:23 pm bells' Monday 14th July 2014

At last! we have finally signed Remy Cabella from Montpellier for a reported fee of 12 million quid!
The 24 year old midfielder however won't be heedin' for Oldham tomorrow neet's friendly, or indeed New Zealand a few days later for wor pre season tour, but will instead continue a holiday in Corsica! <(very nice!)

This brings the total Summer signins to FOWER with a few more needed for sure!

For the full list of 'ins' and 'oots' so far @ St James', see below!

Sunday 13 July 2014

BORTLEY TOON 1 DUNSTON BAD BLUE BOYS 5

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 13th July 2014

Wor forst 'fix' of the season waz doon in deepest Bortley on the southern ootskirts of Gatesheed, where a friendly fixture had been arranged against 'The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston'.

The meetin' place waz The Hotspur in the Haymarket area of The Toon, where we partook in several 'liquid lubrications' before catchin' the 'X21' bus to Bortley.

We were 'team handed' and apart from 'little ol' me', 'Liam from the Lamp', 'Michael the Mag' and 'The Caped Crusader' were the 'bender squad' for the day!

On arrival we heeded for the appropriately named 'Birtley Ale Hoose' and apart from us there were just a handful of zimmerframeites sittin' in the corner!
(The locals had obviousleee hord that 'The bad Blue Boys' were in toon and had made 'a sharp' exit before we arrived!)

'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' then came in the bar to 'boost wor numbers to five'!  (aall of us were wearin' 'Dunston blue' of some sort, in the form of jeans, tee shirts and troosers!)


Next stop waz 'The Railway', literally 'six paces away' next door and agen the bar waz deserted apart from a couple of fat gadgies who cowered in the corner az we waalked in! <(beleeeve that and yi'll beleeeve anythin'!)

Wor final 'port o caall' waz the welcomin' sight of 'The William 1V' where the waalls were festooned in Toon pictures, Bobby Robson photos and souviner 'half and half' scarves from various away games! (and not a mackem picture to be seen!)


Agen the bar waz virtually deserted apart from a mothaa with hor baaby in a pram, a middle aged gadgie wearin' an 'Ing-er-land' top and a labrador doggy who came ower to greet us az we plonked worsels doon in the ripped seats!  

After a few 'gargels' it waz time to heed for the main event and made for the groond which iz reet next to the East Coast main train line <(Very handy if yi a transpotter az well!)

Bortley ran oot in a 'Celtic' strip while Dunston wore their traditional 'Rangers' blue!--- hardly an Old Firm derby, but a 'Tyne Firm' derby nonetheless!

The Bad Blue Boys scored forst orly on with Bortley equalisin' a few mins later!
However---Dunston's superior class and fitness soon shone through and they end up winnin' five-one az the trains wizzzed past at 100 mph every few minutes!
A crowd of 91 includin' 50 or so 'Bad Blue Boys' witnessed this annialation <('Michael the Mag' counted them!)

After the match we 'back-tracked' to the bars we had been in, before retornin' to The Toon on the 'X21' <(it broke doon in Low Fell and we had to jump on anothaa bus to get back!)


Saturday 12 July 2014

FIVE YEARS AGO THIS WEEKEND

Posted '11 am bells' Saturday 12 July 2014

Five years ago this weekend we foond worsels in Ireland where The Toon were playin' Shamrock Rovers in Dublin.
Below iz a match report of that trip and can we say that everything written iz aboot wot we actually saw and hord that weekend, which just happened to be at the start of 'the marchin season' ower there! 



(GROUND NUMBER 270)








 Date of First Visit: 11th JULY 2009

 TALLAGHT STADIUM, (ne where near!) DUBLIN, REPUBLIC OF IRELAND

 

SHAMROCK ROVERS Reserves/Trialists/Asylum  Seekers  0

NEWCASTLE UNITED 1st Team/Reserves/Juniors  3  (Steve Taylor, Ameobi, Ranger)

 

FRIENDLY FIXTURE

Attendance: 5,200 (+ 33 watchin’ from the hotel balcony(eees!) ower the road) 

( 1,500 Toon fans) (1,000 in orange plastic macs!) (the rest of us just got wet!)

 

 

 

“FIRST THERE IS A MOUNTAIN!”



 

“THEN THERE IS NO MOUNTAIN!!?”



 

“THEN THERE IS!!!??”



This was wor forst game after the ignominy of relegation from the Premier League at Villa Park just seven short weeks beforehand and meesel ,‘The Caped Crusader’, Mal and ‘Big Al’ (no!—not that one!)  had flown ‘ower the waater’ to the emerald isle for this one.

 

It was much cheaper to fly and stay in Belfast so that’s wot we did as the flight to Dublin was mega bucks alang with a hotel. We let the train take the strain from Belfast to Dublin  on the day of the match and arrived in good time for the morning session before heedin’ for the groond which was in the far south of Dublin. At five to six euros a pint it was’nt cheap as the poond was aboot the same value but we knew that before we left.

 

Fish and chips were on the menu at a very reasonable FOURTEEN euros so aa decided to ‘starve meesel to death’ instead and ‘feed meesel’ with a few pints of ‘Magners’! (at a very reasonable SIX euros a bottle!)

Soon it was time to heed for the game and let the tram take the strain to Tallaght in ‘the sticks’ of  Dublin, but at an average speed of 5mph it was gannih tek a very lang time, as there were aboot 20 stops to get there. Amongst the stations on route we past ‘Fatima’ and ‘Red Cow’ (aa did’nt realize that fat mackem lasses lived here?)

 

Aa’m not sayin’ the tram was slow but it was that slow it would have been quicker waalkin’ it! and some 45 mins after leavin’ the city centre we finally arrived at Tallaght which torned oot to be in the middle of ne where!

 

The anly place to get a ‘gargel’ near the groond was at the hotel ower the road from the main stand aand as yi’d expect it was chocker with Shamrock and Toon fans (plus a few hotel guests!)

 

 

“A TALE OF THREE TEAMS!-TWO PYRAMIDS!-AND ONE ASYLUM SEEKER!”

 

Our ‘home’ for this game was a glorified ‘roofless’ ‘golf stand’ which looked like it had been hurriedly erected behind the goal for the game as a big crowd was expected. It looked ready to collapse at anytime as more and more fans piled into the former farmers field which had opened orlier on in the year. Behind this was a rather strange pyramid shaped building (see photo!) which looked remarkableee like the one at Luxor in Egypt!




the Dublin pyramid (spot the Geordie Orangemen!)

 

Orange plastic macs had been handed to us ‘just in case’ it p****d doon and we were’nt to be ‘disappointed’! (read on!)

 

The main stand to wor reet did had a roof which pointed skywards and  it held aboot 4,000 or so, mostly Shamrock fans with a few Toon fans scattered amongst them

The yet to be finished stand to wor left was still under construction and was cordoned off to all but baall boys and the far end behind the other goal had ne terracin at aall with just a sprinklin’ of spectators huddled behind a brick waall.  The Dublin Moontains  towered ower this end of the groond in the distance, givin’ that end a very ‘scenic look’ indeed.

The anly problem was that there were huge grey clouds above the mountain peaks and they were heedin’ wor way!

 

The game kicked off and the Toon kicked towards ‘The Massive Moontain End’ (it just had to be!) but it torned oot to be an ‘up-hill’ struggle (sic!) as we failed to dent the Rovers defence despite the fact that their team was full of reserves and trialists as they’d played a League of Ireland game the neet before and had rested their forst team squad for this ‘prestigious’? game!

(That very fact shows just how far  the ‘Mighty Mags’ had fallen!)

 

A very forgettable forst half predictably ended goalless and to compensate for this caretaker manager Chris Hughton sent a totally different Toon X1 on for the start of the second period in hope of a better performance. (It was SO forgettable that ‘Big Al’ who was sittin’ beside me had actually nodded off on several occasions!)

 

“THE GEORDIE ORANGE PARADE!”

 

The grey clouds above the moontains suddenly torned black and the bad news was that they were heedin’ wor way!   Aa pointed this oot to ‘Big Al’ who had awoken from his slumbers by this time, but he telt me that he could’nt even see the far goal---neva mind the moontains as he’d forgot to bring his specs with him and was as blind as a bat withoot them!

 

And then the heavens opened as the players ran oot for the restart and even aa could’nt see the moontains now as the thick clouds that enveloped them.  This resulted in aboot half the Toon contingent franticly pullin’ their orange plastic macs on and hears me thinkin’ that the twelth of July orange parades were’nt on til the next day!

 

 

This actually did the trick as within 5 mins  of the restart  Steven Taylor rifled a shot past the Shamrock keeper from close range at ‘The Luxor Pyramid End’! (yi just knew it----did’nt yih?) where of course the drenched Toon fans were standin’/sittin’

 

Not lang after this Shamrock asylum seeker Pavol Jurco hit the post with an open goal in front of him after Tim Krul in the Newcastle goal had missed the baall aaltogether (YES!---it’s hard to believe isn’t it?--- but such was the ‘quality’ of the opposition that they even had f*****’ refugees in their team!)

 

We doubled wor lead with 8 mins left on the clock when Guthrie picked oot  Shola Ameobi who’s deflected shot sent the keeper the wrang way.

The scorin’ was complete in the last seconds of the game when another Shola effort was blocked by the Shamrock keeper and ’super sub’* Nile Ranger had the simple task of sidefootin’ the baall into an empty net to complete the ‘pyramid’ effect! (that’s THREE goals to ye and me!)

(*Ranger started the 2nd half---was substituted----and then came back on again!)

 

A few gargles in the hotel to ‘celebrate’ wor win was followed by another torturous tram jorney back to the centre of Dublin where we caught the train back to Belfast.

 

As we were wanderin’ aimlessly aboot lookin’ for some ale hooses we came across what looked like another ‘pyramid’ in the distance, but on closer inspection it torned oot to be a huge bonfire in readiness for the 12th July celebrations for the next day

 

The bonfire was at least 60feet high, built with thoosands of wooden pallets in a pyramid shape (just like the one at Tallaght!) with various Sinn Fein MP photos and tricolour flags adornin’ the stack. Pride of place went to Gerry Adams and Martin McGuiness whose photos adorned various sections of the bonfire!  (who says ‘the troubles’ are ower?) 

                                     

 


   


the Belfast pyramid! (spot the pallets!)

 

Next mornin’ we got a taxi to George Best airport from the hotel for wor flight back yem and curiosity got the better of me and aa asked the taxi driver just where they’d got aall the pallets for the bonfire from, that we’d seen the neet before!?

 

In a thick Irish accent and obviously a protestant, he telt us that six months before the Orange parades start, firms are approached and are asked to ‘lend’ them some pallets for the ‘cause’. Sometimes they are refused but they simply go back and ask them again----and they get their pallets

 

“But wot happens if they still refuse to give them any pallets?”, aa asked him with baited breath

 

“They don’t!------they’d end up gettin’ knee capped or their businesess torched!” , he replied, addin’ that the photos are nicked from lamp posts durin’ the election campaigns! 

 

“There’s even a photo of a UDA minister on the bonfires as well, coz he fiddled his expenses!”  

he added with anger in his voice! (would’nt like to be in his shoes!)

 

He dropped us off and soon we were back from the ‘madness’ of Belfast to the ‘sanity’ of ‘The Newcastle Arms’ for a few more liquid refreshment before catchin’ the bus yem-------and as it torned oot---wor one and anly ‘European adventure’ was ower for another season at least! (although we did’nt know that at the time as wor planned friendly at Utrect in Holland was cancelled two days later!---but that’s another disaster story to be told!) (watch this space!)

 

©Fink (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper™)

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