Saturday, 30 May 2020

MCFC v NUFC CLASSED AZ A 'HIGH RISK' GAME!?

Posted '4:10pm bells' Saturday 30th May 2020
The Emptyhad***"No show!---
Even for the players!


Six 'high risk'? Premyaa Leegue games are to be played at neutral venues, (so we are told!) includin' TWO NUFC games!

We can understand 'a little bit' that wor last home game against 'The Liverbirds' iz one, because they could lift the Premyaa Leegue trophy at wor place and 'The Mickey Mousers' could be tempted to be at 'the place' where they were crowned champions! 
If it woz the othaa way roond and WE could win the title at Anfeeeld, I would be tempted to gan and be 'inside' the stadium 'in spirit'!

BUT, it doesn't matter where they play this game, az their fans would heed there anyway, be it Villa Park, Stamford Bridge or wherever!---Remember, from Liverpool, EVERY away groond iz within a 4 hour drive!---so it don't make sense?

And az wor away game at Man City iz aalso deemed 'high risk' it will aalso be played at a neutral venue!---but where????

'Fink' aboot it? why oh why would thoosands of Geordies travel to east Manchester just to stand ootside the groond and hope we consolidate THORTEENTH (13th) position in the Leegue table?

Would I be there to witness that, bearin in mind that aa havvint missed a competitive NUFC game this century?
Whey!--the answer iz!---a resoundin "NO WAY!", and thoosands of othaa Toon fans wouldn't bother gannin eethaa!
If there iz 'no way' that yoo would get in to see the game, then wots the point?

And az 'The Blue Moonies' have virtually nee chance of winnin' the Leegue, why would 'their fans' 'bust a gut' to stand ootside The Empty'iad---"sorry!"---The Ethiad???--Answer: they wouldn't eethaa!---so how the hell iz this game classed az 'high risk'??? 

Az for 'integrity' the whole thing is a farce with a mixture of home, away and neutral venues with empty seats and not a true fan in sight! ("ER!"---apart from cardboard cutoots and blow up sex dolls of course, occupyin' the stands!)

Remember! "Futbaall isn't futbaall withoot fans!"  

Friday, 29 May 2020

FA CUP & PREMYAA LEEGUE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS FIXTURE NEWS!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 29th May 2020
St. James' Park
near the end on Joon!

---We have been told that wor FA Cup qwaataa final tie v The Blue Moonies of Manchester will take place on eethaa 27th or 28th of Joon!
I am seriously finkin aboot boycotting the game!
Meeeenwhile!---News that Premyaa Leegue fixtures are to resume more than 3 months since the last one woz played, have been reveeeled!

Wedinzday 17th Joon haz been pencilled in for the Premyaa Leegue season to resume BCD!
On that day The Blue Moonies of Manchester will play 'The Arse and Sheffeeeld United will play The Hazbeenz and Villans!

Aall 92 remainin games will be on live telly, but just wot a spectacle that will be with empty stadiums and canned crowd noise!


We have nee idea if NUFC will fill wor empty seats with cardboard cutoot fans like they have in Jawmany or with blow up sex dolls like they did in South Koreeaa!?



More to follow later!

Thursday, 28 May 2020

NUFC v THE REST OF THE WORLD!

Posted '3:40pm bells' Thorsday 28th May 2020


It seems to us at The Geordie Times that the whole world iz against this takeower!--- Apart from us!
There have been 2 polls, both showing 97% and 98% approval ratings from NUFC fans!
The deal is still not done of course, with The Guardian sayin its doubtful and The Sun sayin it's a done deal!

This has been typical of the last 2 months of lockdoon, with negatives and then positives deein the roonds!

"Within days!" say some tabloids---"weeks away!" say others!
Just who DO we believe???

The anly ones who REELY NAA are The Premyaa Leegue themselves!
We await forever (it seems) for the outcome!

But hurry up pleeze az the celebratory cans are rusting away and the bottles of 'Dog' are gannin 'off', they've been in the fridge for SO lang!

Wednesday, 27 May 2020

"FROM THE OLD UK, TO THE USA *** THE GEORDIE TIMES, RULES OK!"

Posted '1:40am bells' Wedinzday 27th May 2020


EMPIRE STATE BUILDIN', NEW YORK *** A MESSAGE FROM AMERICA!
"GEORDIE TIMES RULES OK!"

The Geordie Times haz reached two milestones in the last few days, when both the UK and the USA recorded 200,000 and 60,000 pageviews respectively!

It's ironic to say the least that we are gettin' more 'hits' durin the lockdoon, than we did when we reported on Toon games we had attended!

Shear boredom with nee matches or pubs to gan tee, undoubtedly had yoo scourin' the internet for anything written on The Toon or the takeower in the last 2 months!

The takeower haz had more twists and torns and ups and downs than a rollercoaster at a funfair and iz STILL ongoin' after SIX weeks of investigation into 'human rights' and 'piracy' in the fit and propaa porsons test!

Anothaa 'spanner' haz been hoyed into the works today, with the media reportin' that the takeower iz in jepody, due to new piracy claims by the World Trade Organisation!----when will it ever end and when oh when will The Premyaa Leegue give us a decision --- one way or the othaa!?

Anyway!---enough of that! (for now!)
Below iz a list of the top ten countries and territories that have visited The Geordie Times pages, which now number 428,000 in total from around the world and the planet Mars!---and we thank each and every one of yoo for visitin this 'advort free' website!

1: (The old) UK ***200,000

2: The USA *** 60,500
3: The Ukraine *** 24,500
4: The Israelites ***24,000
5: Jawmany *** 18,500
6: Rushaa *** 14,500
7: (Lost in) France *** 9,500
8: Hong Kong *** 7,500
9: (Mee old) Chinaa *** 6,000
10: The Guinness Republic: 6,000

And finally, a message from the planet Mars!
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

  


Tuesday, 26 May 2020

GROUNDHOPPERS ARCHIVE *** MARSEILLE *** UEFA CUP SEMI FINAL MAY 2004

Posted '2:02am bells' Tuesday 26th May 2020

This woz anothaa European trip, this time to the sooth of France to take on Marseille in the semi finals of the UEFA Cup 16 years ago this month!
A match report of this 'ill fated' trip and game iz printed below----Anything that could gan wrang---DID gan wrang!

235 stade velodrome marseille france


(GROUND NUMBER 235)

Date of First Visit: 6th MAY 2004

STADE VELODROME, MARSEILLE, FRANCE


OLIMPIQUE MARSEILLE   2

NEWCASTLE UNITED   0

(Marseille won 2-0 on aggregate) 

UEFA CUP SEMI FINAL 2nd LEG

ATTENDANCE 60,000 (5,000 Toon fans)






WHERE! Div ah start wih this one!----(YES FOLKS!---it waz one of  THEM! trips!)

So here ganz!


 "NO ROOM AT THE INN!"

Chaptaa one:

A’d booked the flights with Easyjet from Luton tih Nice and a hotel in the centre of Marseille through an agent on the internet, for meesel and one of mee ‘sidekicks’ Norman the Cowboy Plumber' who waz gannin’ with iz.

Barrett  Meen Time’s flight from Toon Travel waz nearly three hundred smackerooneez, and because this waz mee seventh trip tih Europe this season alone, ah HAD tih gan the cheapest way ah could az funds were getting’ a bit low in mee piggy bank!

Aaltogether, includin’ the car park and train from Nice tih Marseille it waz gannih cost wih less than two hundred quid each, so that’s why wih went from there.



Ah did the forst stint of drivin’ tih Woodall Sorvices on the ‘M1’ which waz aboot half way tih Luton and Norman drove the rest of the way while ah calmed meesel doon for the flight with a few cans of LCL (az previously mentioned many many times, a’m not the worlds best flyer!)
(Sometime later)

The plane which waz half full of Geordies arrived in Nice bang on time, and the ‘current bun’ came out tih greet us az we disembarked. (A good omen?-----Divvint yee believe it!)

The shuttle bus then took wih tih the train station, where, amid chaotic scenes from the hundred or so Toon Travellers queuein’ at the station kiosks, wih purchased wor ticket for the two and a half hour jorney tih Marseille.



The trip proved tih be uneventful apart from a few Toon fans (who were much the worse for wear!) singin’ to an unfortunate female who waz waalkin’ past them doon the train. And what they sang made me and Norman crindge! 

“GET YOUR T*** OUT FOR THE LADS!”, they sang at hor!----the anly problem waz, shih waz an aad aged biddy, aroond aboot the 70 mark! (The anly plus side waz----shih could’nt understand a word they were singin’---which waz just az well!)

(Pleeze lads!---keep yih traps shut next time---EH!) (Totally oot of order, lads!----totally oot of order!) 


Wih met up with Davy ‘the silver fox’ and hiz better half, Barbara (who had travelled by Eurostar the previous day) at Marseille station and heeded for wor hotel, which waz a few stops on the undergroond and  on route for the match.

However!---on wor arrival at wor hotel we were telt by the receptionist that the hotel waz infact FULL! And that like Jesus, some two thoosand years before hand, they did’nt have a room for us!

(F*****’ BRILLIANT!)

(Aalthough, tih be fair!---Jesus waz torned away from an Inn in Bethlehem and NOT! a hotel in Marseille!)----------(Er?---come tih think of it??---it might’iv been Joseph and Mary who got torned away from an Inn in JERUSALEM???) (Quick!---Pass mee Bible!)



Ah protested that a’d made the bookin’ some time ago ower the ‘net’ but waz telt that the agent who’d booked it for us, had (in othaa words) ‘dropped a bollock’! (Ah wonder if Jesus had booked HIZ room ower the ‘net’!???)



Anyway!---We had nee time tih argue az valuable drinkin’ time waz bein’ wasted!, so we agreed to their offer of anotha hotel ten minutes away, az lang az they paid the taxi fare.

The agreement waz that we dumped wor bags there and pick them up after the game where a taxi would be waitin’ tih whisk wih off tih the other hotel.



“WHERE’S MEE LUCKY SOCKS?”

Chaptaa two:

Wih still had a few hours tih the kick off , SO!, (az yi’d expect!) we were ‘off on the hoy’ (once again!) tih lubricate wor tonsils, which in turn kept wor vocal chords ‘in trim’ for the match! (az yih de!)

Afta a canny few gargels of the local brew  it waz time tih heed for a warehoose next tih the groond  az instructed. (That’s reet----a f*****’ warehoose!)

For that’s where we were telt tih gan by the French Dibbles so we could be fleeced before they let us intih the groond!


And then it suddenly dawned on iz!----a DID’NT have mee ‘lucky’ black ‘n’ white socks 'on' which bore the club crest!---The reason for this of course waz because the hotel waz full and ah did’nt have anywhere tih change mee ‘dickory docks’!

(plus the fact that it had completely slipped mee mind anyway!)

Once inside the groond we heeded for the corner section where the Toon fans were hemmed in, surrounded by high fences and a moat!
Some Toon fans had managed to get tickets for the home sections and with the official followin' on some 3,500 and extra 1,500 were elsewhere in this huge open bowl which held 60,000!

We started off brightly az we attacked the far goal from us, but disaster struck after 19minutes when a Titus Bramble cross woz cleared upfield and Marseille stricker Didier Drogba made nee mistayk az he beat Shay Given in the Toon goal to send the 55,000 home fans into delirium!


"IZ IT THE 5th OF NOVEMBER!?"

Flares were lit and hoyed towards the pitch (and us!) and one set fire to the moat with huge flames and smoke risin' above the home section behind the goal!
The fire woz ragin and it looked to get oot of control before some firemen rushed towards the burnin moat with fire extinguishers  
and finally put the flames oot!

Back on the pitch, NUFC tried in vain to find a way back az this goal woz the forst one scored in the tie, with the forst game at SJP endin' goalless!

We just couldn't match the home side az we huffed and puffed to try and find an equaliser!Worse woz to follow near the end, when a 2nd goal by Drogba in the 82nd minute with a side footed shot from 12yards oot sealed the semi final tie and the dream of a European final for the 2nd time in wor history woz gone!
After the final whistle we were locked in the groond for more than an hour by the riot squad, before finally bein' let oot at 'midneet bells'! (the match had kicked off at '9:00pm bells' local time!)
After we'd finally been let oot onto the streets we heeded back to the hotel for a quick 'gargel' before retirin' to wor room for the neet!
"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"



"LET THE TRAIN PUDDLE YIH BRAIN!"

Chaptaa three:

Next mornin' we heeded for the breakfast room in the hotel for some scran, which woz part of the deal (or so aa thought---read on!) A continental breaky of croutons, toast, and cheese, washed doon with some orange juice and coffee!


The jorney back from Marseille to Nice the next day woz uneventful for the forst part of the jorney, and a'd said to 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' the trains in France were dead reliable and aalways on time!-----UNTIL!---we got to a place caalled St. Raphael!  
The train stopped----and didn't move again-----we were there for an hour, when the alarm bells started ringin' (in mee heed!) 
We finally got some info that a goods train had derailed forthaa up the line and had brought the power cables doon!---ie: we wornt gannin anywhere fast!----We then got told that the train would be stuck there for at least anothaa 2 hours while repairs were carried oot to the owerheed cables

We got off the train to find that the lift to the street below wasn't workin'?----We foond a way doon some stairs and  heeded for a nearby café bar for sommik to eat and drink---but aall the electric woz off there az well, because the goods train had not anly pulled the trains power lines doon, but aalso the electricity power lines for the region az well!

So they couldn't cook us any food and so we had to make dee with a bottle of the local brew instead!

But worse woz to follow----on retorn to the train station we were told that the damage to the power lines woz substantial and that the train would be stuck there for a lang, lang time!

PANIC STATIONS!----We were now in danger of missin' wor flight from Nice to Luton and so we asked a taxi driver how much he would charge us to get to Nice airport?
"It's 50 kilometres, about 100 euros!", came the reply----luckily there were a couple more Toon fans on wor train and we clubbed together to pay for the taxi----a jorney by road of 1 hour, which gave us more than enough time to catch wor flight!--PANIC OWER!  
It woz then straight to the airport bar to get rid off some more unwanted and unneeded euros! (coz we lost, which brought an end to wor European adventures) 



“Surely nowt else could gan wrang!?---COULD IT!??”-------(“OH yes it COULD!”)

The epilogue: 

Az a’d had mee usual pre flight ‘liquids’ tih calm mee norves (again!) (purely medicinal yi understand!) it meant that Norman had tih drive the whole way back himsel!

Az ah waz tryin’ tih get a bit ‘shut eye’, the final ‘nail in the coffin’ came az  we were fleein’ up the ‘M1’ past Trowell Sorvices.

Mee mobile ‘tellin’ bone’ rang and it waz wor lass on the othaa end.


“Some foreign gadgy’s phoned up and left a message on the answer phone!”

“A FOREIGNER!?”

“YES!---it’s sommik aboot yih breakfast at the hotel yih were stoppin’ in!”

“BREAKFAST!?”

“YES!---Have a listen tih this!”

(Answerphone) “THEES EEZZ ZEE BOOKING AGENT!---ZEE HOTEL YOO STOPPED EEN SAY YOO NO PAY FOR YOUR BREAKFAST WHEN YOO LEEVE THEES SMORNING!----SO! I HAVE TAKEN ZEE MONEY YOO OWE OUT OF YOUR CREDIT CARD!---ZANK YOO!”



“NORMAN!”---“PASS THE PARACETAMOL!”---“AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!” 




Saturday, 23 May 2020

"WEMBLEY!--WEMBLEY!--HERE WE COME!" (OR NOT AZ THE CASE MAY BE!)

Posted '5:00pm bells' Saturday 23rd May 2020
"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE!?"
"IZ THAT THE TYNE BRIDGE!?"

At this exact moment in time NUFC could have been kickin' off in the FA Cup final at Wembley in front of a 90,000 capacity crowd! (That's assumin' we had beaten Man City in the Qaataa finals and team 'X' in the semis!)

Instead of sittin' in one of the plastic red seats behind one of the goals, I am sittin' on mee black (reeel leather!🤪) settee, watchin' some crap on the telly az (of course) there are nee pubs to gan tee eethaa!
Roll on the end of lockdoon and lockoots!

WEDINZDAY 23rd MAY 2007----A BLACK DAY IN NUFCs HISTORY!

Posted '12:29pm bells' Saturday 23rd May 2020
THE FAT CONTROLLER PROMISED US GLORY
BUT ANLY BROUGHT US DISPEAR!

"A MAN WHO PROMISED SO MUCH, BUT DELIVERED 
SO LITTLE!"

On this day in 2007 a billionaire bought NUFC and PROMISED to torn us into the best team in the Premyaa Leegue! (see 'The Jawnil' headline above, from May 2007!)
At forst we believed him and welcomed him with open arms!---Indeed, he even dressed himself in black n white garb and went to  away games with the fans in the visitors sections, rather than in the home clubs directors boxes!
I remember that at one game away to Aston Villa, somebody said to me that he woz just behind us az we passed through the tornstiles!

I waited til the fat man walked into the concourse and I shook hiz hand and welcomed him to NUFC!

This iz my biggest regret az a Toon fan, az it soon became clear that he WASN'T gannin to bankroll us after aall!---Instead he had a 'skinflint scrooge attitude' which soon had us in trouble at the wrang end of the Premyaaship!  

'COCKNEY MAFIA BANNERS' appeared and chants of: "YOU FAT COCKNEY B*STARD!---GET OUT OF OUR CLUB!" became the main chant from disgruntled fans! (even though he woz born in Waalsaall, in the West Midlands!)
HE HAD A NEW NAME BY THIS TIME! (2009)
'THE FAT CONTROLLER' AZ HE WOZ THE SPITTIN' IMAGE OF 'THE FAT CONTROLLER' IN THE 'THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE' CHILDRENS TELLY PROGRAMME!
ie: HE WOZ 'FAT' AND IN 'CONTROL'
OF THE RUDDERLESS SHIP!

And then relegation followed just 2 years into hiz 'reign' with promises that he would sell the club at the forst opportunity!

He didn't (or couldn't?) and we had to put up with him az we had nee choice!  Idiotic decisions followed, like the appointment of Joke Kinnear az manager!----Anothaa relegation happened after we had bounced back, meanin that he hadn't lorned by hiz misstayks!

He woz like an unwanted 'muthaa in law' who lived with you and who yoo just couldn't get rid of---and by this time he didn't even gan to home games, nevaa mind away!

Today iz the 13th anniversary of hiz takeower and it haz indeed been unlucky for US!---But have we finally!---finally! edged him towards the The Milburn Stand exit doors and onto Barrack Road and got rid of him FOREVER!? 🙏

Friday, 22 May 2020

"THE FOLLY OF THE WALLY WITH THE BROLLY!"

Posted '10:25pm bells' Friday 22nd May 2020

'The Wally with the Brolly' says 'Broken Nose Bruce' 'haz vision' and iz in 'the drivin' seat' to keep his job when/if the new owners finally get the green light to buy wor great club!

*Folly definition: Lack of good sense; foolishness!

"HOW MUCH LANGER MUST WE WAIT---FOR SUCCESS AT GALLOW-GATE?"

Posted 2:36pm bells' Friday 22nd May 2020


Thursday, 21 May 2020

NUFC BREAKING NEWS!

Posted '5:50pm bells' Thorsday 21st May 2020
Toon airport today!
Saudi flag circled!

A Saudi jet has been spotted at Toon airport this evenin'!
Library pic

Read into that wot yoo will!
We make no predictions to wot this meeenz, BUT!🙏🤪

Wot Twitter says!🙏🐪🚦

And finally from the 
finance experts 
FORBES!🐪🚦🙏









Wednesday, 20 May 2020

GEORDIETIMELINE!

Posted '8:20pm bells' Wedinzday 20th May 2020
March 20th 2020---TheLeazes End Club behind SJP
The last pint saloon!

It's now 2 months to the day since 'Boris' shut the boozers!😭

HARD AT WORK!

Posted '3:15pm bells' Wedinzday 20th May 2020
"PASS THE SUN-TAN LOTION PLEEZE!"

After 2 months twiddlin' their fingers and suckin their thumbs the NUFC players are hard at work on the trainin' groond az we speak!

THERE'S A JOKER IN THE PACK!

Posted '2:00am bells' Wedinzday 20th May 2020

"BRUCE'S CRAZY EXCUSES!"


The Toon players returned to trainin yesterday after a two month absence, because of 'the bat out of hell' virus!

And before they'd even started trainin' old 'Broken Nose Bruce' woz comin' oot with probably his most ridiculous excuse to date, when he said that due to the lack of trainin', "The players would faall doon like a pack of cards!", due to their unexpected break!

Howay maan Steev!, these are athletes of the highest order, who have home gyms and very large gardens to exersise and keep fit in, durin their enforced lay off!

And aall the other 19 Premyaa Leegue teams are in 'the same boat' as well, divvint forget!

Reeely!--- we shudint even be even 'fink'-in aboot restarting the Leegue, when there are still hundreds of unfortunate souls dyin' every day!

Stay fit in your gyms lads and aanly retorn when it iz safe to do so!----ie when it's safe for fans to gan back az well--and not before!


Playin in empty stadiums with 'canned' crowd noise, cardboard cut oot fans and blow up sex dolls in the stands, is NOT the answer!

Stay safe lads and resume playin' the remainin' games then!---and not before!

Tuesday, 19 May 2020

GROUNDHOPPERS ARCHIVE *** IBROX PARK, GLASGOW, MAY 1969

Posted '2:10am bells' Tuesday 19th May 2020
IBROX PARK 1969 (Capacity 118,000)

In this month 51 years ago, aa went to mee forst ever 'foreign' away game, when me and 2 mates played 'the wag' off school and hitch-hiked across the border to Glasgow for wor Inter Cities Fairs Cup semi final tie v Rangers! (Now the UEFA Cup)
I woz 14 years old at the time and I believe that we were the forst ever Toon fans to hitch-hike to a competitive away game ootside Ing'lind (Which woz wor forst ever season in Europe)

Archive match report on that game below!

010 ibrox park, rangers


 (GROUND NUMBER 10)


Dateline: 14th MAY 1969


IBROX PARK, GLASGOW



RANGERS 0  NEWCASTLE UNITED 0


INTER CITIES FAIRS CUP, SEMI FINAL, FIRST LEG


ATTENDANCE 75,580





"THERE'S NO HOPE FOR YOU, LAD!"







Yet another 'forst' for me. The forst time a'd ever been 'abroad'? tih watch Newcastle.


O.K.!, O.K.!, Scotland is hardly what yih can caall abroad!, but---to a school kid like me, it might as well have been Outer Mongolia!, as far as ah was concerned!.


Ah can remember gannin tih school the day before the game (Tuesday) and showin' mee match ticket tih mee envious school mates. The teacher saw what was gannin on, and telt iz tih give him a look at the ticket.


"What's it for?", he asked, with a puzzled look on his face.

(Obviously NOT a futbaall fan!)


"It's for the big match in Glasgow tomorrow sir, between Rangers and Newcastle", ah said, as though he SHOULD have known aboot it!?. (Did'nt EVERYBODY know?---ah thought!)


"But what about school?!", he said, in an outraged voice!.


"F*** school!, a'm gannin tih the match!!", ah replied in a 'defiant' voice!.


As soon as ah said it, ah thought, OH, HO!, a'm in for it nuw, swearin' at the teacher!.



But his reaction amazed iz. He just gave me one of those, 'THERE'S NO HOPE FOR YOU, LAD!', looks---shook his heed!---shrugged his shoulders!!---and waalked away!!!.


Ah could'nt understand his reaction!?---Ah mean---what's ONE DAY off school, tih see one of the greatest games in Newcastle's history!??.



Three of us were gannin tih the match, meesel, a lad caalled 'Ginger' and another lad who's name ah can't remember nuw.


Wih could'nt afford the coach fare, so wih decided tih hitch hike tih Glasgow instead. Ah can remember gannin yhem and tellin' mee dad of mee plans.


"Faatha", ah said, "A'm hitchin' it tih Rangers tih see Newcastle!".


Mee dad, who was readin' the 'Ronnie Gill', just glanced up at iz, and said, "Aalreet Alan, (mee real name) aal see yer when ah see yer!", and went back to his paper.

(He knew that even if he'd said ah could'nt gan, ah would'iv went anyway!)

                                        


Wih made an early start the next day, and heeded for the West Road (in Newcastle) tih start hithin' a lift. There were loads of busses headin' for Scotland, with banners and scarfs hangin' from the windows.


Ah can remember one bus in particular, with loads of scarfs tied together, snakin' oot of the skylight of the bus, with a flag tied tih the end, which was nearly trailin' on the road behind the bus!.

After a while, wih got a lift an' we were on wor way!.

                               





Chapter Two:


"READY FOR WHAT?"




Several lifts later we arrived on the eastern ootskirts of Glasgow and decided tih waalk the rest of the way tih Ibrox. Wih foolishly asked a 'Wino' with greasy matted hair, who 'stunk the high heavens'!, how tih get tih the groond.


This was NOT! a wise move, as he was swiggin' a bottle of 'Meths' at the time!.


Ah said tih him, "Excuse me, could yih tell wih how tih get to Ibrox Park pleeze?".


The 'Wino', whos' 'dress sense' included a 'Rudolf the Reindeer' knitted jumper, (in MAY?) which sported several 'tab burn holes'.  A pair of shiny 'piss stained strides'!, (which were 'half mast'!) and looked az though they had'nt been washed for seventeen years!. PLUS! a very 'snazzy' pair of skeets that could 'taalk tih yih themselves'!, az the soles were hangin' off!


He could hardly stand up (or speak!) and he just 'eye-balled' us, an' in a very broad (and very slurred!) Glaswiegen accent, telt wih tih:


"F*** OFF YAA ENGLISH BASTARDS!"


Welcome tih Glasgow!, ah thought!.

Wih decided not tih pursue this line of questionin', and left him in his inebriated state!, mumblin' sommik aboot 'Bannockburn'?, and carried on waalkin'.



Nuw Glasgow, as wih foond oot, is a very big place indeed!, and it took ages tih get within sight of Ibrox. When wih finally got there, afta an hours 'trek', wih noticed that aall the Rangers fans, young and old, were wearin' their blue 'n' white club scarfs.


We did'nt have any colours on, and wih stuck oot like 'a sore thumb', and got some 'dodgy looks!'. Ah noticed the club crest on the main stand, which was a 'Lion Rampant', with the word, 'READY', underneath. Ready for what?, ah thought!.


'Ginger' did'nt have a ticket, but he bought one ootside the turnstiles at face value. Needless tih say, he was ower the moon!.


One Rangers fan had a huge orange banner held up by sticks, featurin' a 'gadgie' with a 'Led Zeppelin haircut', dressed like a muskerteer and ridin' a white horse?, with 'WILLIAM OF ORANGE' '1690' written underneath?? 

Wih did'nt have a clue warrit meant----BUT! it looked brill! (Explaination: For aall yeez 'young pups'---'Led Zeppelin' were the forst ever 'heavy' music band from the '60's)


On enterin' the groond, ah was amazed at the size of Ibrox. It was a huge bowl, and was certainly the biggest groond that a'd EVER! been tee. (Er!---this was mee TENTH groond aall-told!)

THE NUFC FANS WERE IN THE HUGE OPEN END
TO THE RIGHT


The capacity in 1969 was ower 118,000!, and with an attendance of 75,000 plus that neet, it meant that Ibrox was still 43,000 below capacity!. 15,000 Toon fans had made the journey across the border and were in good voice.


When the players came oot onto the pitch, the roar was deafenin' from both sets of fans. We were standin' near the back of the open end, and because the players were so far away, they looked like 'matchstick models'!.





Chapter Three:

"SAVE ALL YOUR 'KISSES' FOR ME!"




There was nee segregation, and the Toon and 'Gers' fans were mixed together.

Predictably, as the home team and with the vast majority of the crowd on their side, Rangers did most of the attackin', aalthough the Toon did have a few early chances, but neither team could break the deadlock.


Then, after aboot half an hour, disaster struck, when Newcastle goalie, Willie McFaul gave a penalty away. Andy Penman took it, and hit the shot tih McFauls right. Luckily, he dived the reet way and saved it, tih send the Toon fans into raptures!.
McFAUL PENALTY SAVE


 Wi'd escaped this time!, and Rangers had several chances after this, but could'nt put the baall away. This was thanks mainly to Newcastle Centre Half, John McNamee, who, was built like 'Frankensteins' monster!, and had been kickin' 'seven lumps of shite' oot of Rangers Centre Forward, one, Colin Stein!. (would you believe?)


An irate Rangers fan standin' a few yards away, was givin' him loads of 'verbal', and kept caallin' him a "DIRTY ENGLISH BASTARD!".


Ah politely pointed oot tih him, that McNamee was infact SCOTTISH!, alang with several other members of wor team, like Bobby Moncur, Jim Scott and Jackie Sinclair!.

Wor Scottish 'friend' who waz half mortal, WAS’NT! impressed!, and gave iz one of those, 'LADDIE, DEE YAA FANCY A 'GLASGOW KISS'!--stares!. Ah took the hint!, and did'nt bother him after that!.



There were loads of light blue invalid cars parked aroond the wide oval track which suroonded the pitch. (Not 'blue' coz they were Rangers fans, but because THAT was the standard colour!)

Unlike nuw, where disabled drivers have ordinary cars converted so they can drive them, back in the '60's AALL disabled drivers drove the same distinctive tiny one seaters 'death-traps'!. 

With aboot ten minutes tih gan they started leavin' by the one exit at the far end. Before lang there was a tailback of aboot twenty or so tryin' tih get oot!

This iz the forst and anly time that av ever seen a 'traffic jam' INSIDE! a futbaall stadium!




The Toon hung on for a NIL-NIL draa---AND!---wih managed tih cadge a lift straight back tih the Toon az well!.

Was it worth playin' the 'wag' from school for???----"CAUSE IT WAS"!


Wih went yhem very happy that neet---ah can tell yih!. And it was'nt lang before wih crashed oot on the back seat. Three very exausted and totally knacked school kids!---"ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz!!!!!" 


"ROLL ON THE SECOND LEG!"

                                          




Footnote:


The Toon won the return match at St. James' 2-0 with goals from Jimmy Scott and Jackie Sinclair.

(Riotin' Rangers fans had tried tih get the match abandoned by invadin' the pitch, and the game was held up for twenty minutes!)


Newcastle then went on tih lift the 'Fairs Cup' by beatin' Ujpest Dozsa from Hungary 6-2 on aggregate, in the two legged final.

Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!) 

Monday, 18 May 2020

"WHO NEEDS CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS?"

Posted '5:44pm bells' Munday 18th May 2020!
✅✅✅✅✅✅


❌❌❌❌❌❌

🤪😜😛🤪😜😛
"STAND UP!---IF YIH LUV THE TOON!"

"I'M GANNIN' SLIGHTLEEE MAD!!!!"

Posted '3:15pm bells' Munday 18th May 2020


'A' TO 'Z' 
Every futbaaller from the letter 'A' Alonso, to the letter 'Z' Zaha, has been mentioned with a move to The Toon, when we divvint even naa for certain if the takeower will happen!

How do the TV, press and Joe Bloggs on Twitter know, when we divvint naa wot the Premyaa Leegues 'fit and propaa persons test' will decide!?
   "We won't get involved!"

Culture secretary Oliver Dowden (above) has just been on the telly and has said that the decision rests entirely with the Premyaa Leegue!

We are now into the sixth week (or is it the seventh?) since we foond oot aboot the proposed takeower, so surly---surely!--a decision will be forthcomin' THIS WEEK!--
If it isnt decided in the next seven days, then I swear, I will gan a bit loopy and mad az a consequence!🤪

Sunday, 17 May 2020

"BRING ON THE SCOUSERS!" (OR NOT AZ THE CASE MAY BE!)

Posted '3:00pm bells' Sunday 17th May 2020

VIEW FROM 'THE TOON AWAY END' OF ST. MARY'S STADIUM, SOOOTHAMPTON
SATURDAY 7th MARCH 2020---THE LAST TIME WE PLAYED!
At this exact moment in time, NUFC shud have been kickin' off against 'The Liverbirds' in the very last Premyaa Leegue match of the season at SJP in front of a sellout 52,300 crowd!

Instead of sittin' in mee usual seat in row 'B' seat '97' of The Milburn Stand balcony --a'm sittin' in mee usual seat on mee settee in wor hoose, deein this article on mee lap top, to pass the time away!

The Jawman Bundezleeega returned yesterday with the derby between Borussia Dortmund and Shalke 04 played behind closed doors, with 81,000 empty places! (and NO!--aa didn't watch it az aa havvint got BT---and mee local boozer which haz BT iz closed az well---for some reason?)

However! Jawmany's death rate from 'the bat out of hell's virus is much, much lower (40 yesterday) than here in the UK and we feel that it MUST be much lower than the 400 or so that are sadly dyin' every single day, for us to retorn to action! (By much lower aa meen ZERO deaths!)

We will find oot in the next week or so if games here will aalso be played BCD, while we twiddle wor thumbs and drink broon ale from the nearest off licence! (and hope and pray that the NUFC takeower FINALLY happens?)

Oh! Wot I would dee to watch a game of live futbaall, az it's now 71 days since we saw The Toon in action away at Sooothampton, where we won 1-0! (and aa don't meen a 'live' game on the telly in mee front livin' room!)

If it aint safe to watch it from a stand seat, then it aint safe for players to play on the pitch!
We shud wait until that day before resumin'----whenever that day may be!????

PS: It's just been on telly, daily death rate doon to 170 in the UK----still 170 too many, but a doonward trend at least!

Saturday, 16 May 2020

"THEY ARE TAKIN' 'THE MICKEY'!"

Posted '10:43pm bells' Saturday 16th May 2020
"WELCOME TO DISNEYLAND PRINCE SALAM!"

The Saudis takeower of NUFC iz takin' much langer than anyone expected, mainly due to opposition from everybody in the whole world it seeemz, from Human Rights groups, Amnesty International, Piracy claims, Richard "weaze Keys" (mackem sympathiser!), several Premyaa Leegue clubs, Tory MPs, SCOTTISH MPs? and many, many others!

But NOT A WORD said against the Saudis buyin' stakes into the followin' high profile companys! (Deep breath!) Facebook ($522 million!), Boeing ($713.7 million!), Citigroup ($522 million!), Marriott ($514 million!), BP ($827 million!) and lastly, Disney ($495.8 million!)  A staggerin' $3,594.5 MILLION DOLLARS in total---and there are many, many more aroond the planet Orth!

While NUFC have cost them a 'mere' £300 million quid or $372.45 million dollars!---The cheapest by far of aall their above ootlays! 

Have yoo hord any of the above protesters complainin' aboot the Saudis buyin' into them??????--(DEATHLY SILENCE!!!)
Aa wonder wot Mickey Moose, Pluto and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs 'fink' aboot aall this????
One rule for NUFC!---and anothaa rule for AALL THE REST!!!!!



"AND THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT PRINCE SALAM OF 
SAUDI ARABIA HAZ INVESTED $495.8 MILLION DOLLARS IN US!"

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