Tuesday 31 March 2020

HOTEL QUARANTINE PLAN FOR PLAYERS PLANNED!

Posted '5:30pm bells' Tuesday 31st March 2020

  A MEMBER OF THE FA ISSUES A STARK WARNING!
"STAY HOME!"---"AND WATCH IT ON THE TELLY!"
"DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!"---"WE NEED THE MONEY!"

Desperate measures have been mooted by The Premyaa Leegue, az they have a daft plan to put players in strict quarantine for a month, away from their families---and condense the remainin games into a 4 week period, from the beginning to the end of Joon! (The UEFA deadline for completin' games for this season!)
The players would spend their time between trainin' groonds, stadiums and hotels and cram 3 games in a week to avoid contractual and legal complications!

It's said that AALL the 92 games left to be played, could be played in London and Bormingham BEHIND CLOSED DOORS at 3 venues and that fans could stay at home and watch it on the f*****' telly! (NO WAY!---If it's safe for players to play then it should be safe for fans to watch games LIVE!------I am SICK of bein' stuck in the hoose aalready---just like the rest of yooz!) Eethaa play games with fans present, or don't play at aall til it's safe to do so! 

It's a crazy idea and would need the co-operation of AALL players to get the games on!---But hang on just a minute!----players are human beings just like the rest of us and several, for example, have tested 'positive' for the virus at West Ham (8 aa 'fink'?) and some at Lestaa----so how could they play?

Personally, mee 'finx' that if the games ARE behind closed doors, then the whole thing will be farcical with teams forced to play 3 games every 5 days!---and aall in a desperate bid NOT to loose the lucrative telly money, az the death toll in the UK in the last day alone iz nearly 400!
Yet The FA have told lower non leegue clubs that THEIR seasons work will be declared null and void! (One rule for the rich---and one for the poor!)

We were told on Friday that this could gan on for SIX months--or langer!----Surely the players health should be the number one priority?---('social distancing' and aall that!)----but MEGA MONEY talks---Just ask wor 'beloved'? owner 'The Fat Controller', who iz takin' season ticket money from Toon fans for NEXT season aalready, while othaas like Man U, Brightin and Lestaa are to defer payments for fans who have lost their jobs durin' this difficult time!

We await with baited breath az to just wot will happen next!???

Monday 30 March 2020

6 MONTHS OF HELL AWAITS!

Posted '12:57pm bells' Munday 30th March 2020

"NO PUBS!---NO FOOTBALL!
---NO PROMOTION!---NO RELEGATION!"
News delivered by a chief medical officer yesterday that the coronavirus crisis lockdoon could gan on for up to SIX MONTHS iz horrendous news for aall of us! (or iz it?)


This surely means that The Premyaa Leegue and aall the leegues below this will HAVE to be declared null and void, sooner, rather than later! (UEFA have said that AALL leegues should be ended by June 30th)

But every cloud DOES have a silver lining, as it will mean that NUFC will definitely still be in The Premyaa Leegue next season and that the SMBs will still be in the old 3rd Division for the 3rd season runnin'! ☁🤪

Sunday 29 March 2020

ONE MAN AND HIZ DOG(S) WENT TO 'A' BEER GARDEN! (Part 2)

Posted '12:55pm bells' Sunday 29th March 2020

2: The Crows Nest beer garden, Haymarket, Newcasil


I went to The Toon yesterday afternoon for some 'food' shoppin and daily exercise with mee little dog and woz shocked to see the city centre completleee dead on a Saturday!
Normally this iz the busiest day of the week for shoppers and revellers heedin for the 100's of pubs and clubs---and of course the 52,000 futbaall fans heedin for 'The Cathedral on the Hill' for their Saturday 'fix'!
"FOOD!-FOOD!-GLORIOUS FOOD!"
("ER!--AALSO BOUGHT VEG 
AND READY MEALS!")

With nowt open apart from 'Marks and Sparks' the street were deserted and so after purchasin' mee daily 'fix' of Broon Ale and othaa 'food', aa heeded for the beer garden of 'The Percy Arms', but they had stacked the tables and chairs on top of each othaa, with nee where to sit! 

So off aa heeded for 'The Trent Hoose' instead, but again they had moved an ootside table, so aa had nee where to put mee 'DOG' (DOG iz Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale!) 

In desperation aa heeded for 'The Crows Nest' beer garden---and hey presto---aall the seats and tables were in place! 
"HELP!---MEE DOG'S DRINKIN' MEE 'DOG'!" 

So aa settled doon with mee 2 'DOGS' in perfect peace and tranquillity to 'doon' (drink) the broon nectar!-----Social distancin' for sure!

The Toon on a Saturday afternoon!  
The perfect place for 'social distancin'!

"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE?"


NEWGATE STREET!---DESERTED!

THE GATE!---DESERTED!

'THE CENTRAL'! (STATION)---DESERTED!

THE BIGG MARKET!---DESERTED!
("WOT!---ON A SATURDAY?")

NEAR ST. JAMES' PARK!---DESERTED!

PS: I am not oot today az there are small hailstones hittin' mee windows az we speak and its freezing ootside, so aa wont be deein any new beer gardens for a couple of days!
Aalso, Boris iz set to implement new lockdoon rules and I fear that aall of us wont be able to gan very far from home---even for 'food' shoppin'!
Hope aall 'Geordie Times' reeders are keepin well and are not bored oot of their sculls, stuck in the hoose, but the crisis iz said to get worse!
Aalso, the north east bus service iz close to collapse with 90% less usage since the lockdoon!
This woz the bus aa woz on yesterday to the Toon!

"KEEP AHOLD AND STAY SAFE!" 


Saturday 28 March 2020

FAT CONTROLLER FAALL-OOT!

Posted '7:22pm bells' Saturday 28th March 2020

Az NUFC have taken direct debits from fans for NEXT season, with 5 Premyaa Leegue home games still to play for THIS season, Man U promise to dee the opposite for their fans!


We leave yoo lang suffering Toon fans, to draw your own conclusions!

ONE MAN AND HIZ DOG(S) WENT TO 'A' BEER GARDEN! (Part 1)

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 28th March 2020

1: The Quayside beer garden, Newcasil Quayside

Because we can't gan to pubs for the foreseeable future, I have decided to combine mee daily exercise with a trip to pub beer gardens instead!
I will buy broon ale at an off licence and drink it at an excesable beer garden, to stop me gannin completleee mad!

I have never been one for drinkin in the hoose, so the next best thing is to try and find a beer garden instead! (It's sad--isn't it!)

Yesterday I walked to the quayside, (keepin  a social distance from othaa people of course!), for mee daily exercise! (4,920 steps from wor hoose --accordin to £2 pedometer aa bought last week for this purpose) 

There, a bottle of  'DOG' woz consumed in The Quayside beer garden near The Swing Bridge ('DOG' iz Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale)---az mee othaa 'dog' looked on!

Ower the next few days, and with mee faithful companion, I intend to find anothaa beer garden somewhere in The Toon, to drink mee 'dog'!---and to keep me sane, with nee futbaall to watch! (Or work to gan tee, az av been 'layed off' because of the crisis!)

AZ per usual and for more complete 'madness' "watch this space!" 

PS: At this time aa shudiv been heedin for Liverpoool on a train to watch Dunston play The City of Liverpoool in a North West Coonties fixture az The Toon had nee game coz of the International break!

Of course even non leegue games are off az well, so aa had to claim mee £47 train fare back last week!---It just gets worse!

PPS: I know the situation is serious and I am keepin well away from othaa people on mee daily exercise and 'food' shopping trips! (Broon ale top of the list!)

Friday 27 March 2020

THE WHEEL OF FORTUN(ATE!)

Posted '2:05pm bells' Friday 27th March 2020



"SPIN THE KEY TO SEE WOT YOO WILL DEE!"

Well it's finally happened!
I have been told that my night shift truck run to Redditch from Team Valley, Gatesheed will stop immediately and I will be in lockdown like everybody else!
The main reason iz that customers have cancelled orders and I hardly brought any carpets and flooring up last neet from Worcestershire!

However!---With nee futbaall or pubs to gan tee, a mate caalled Russ (aalso known az 'International RUSScue') haz devised a cunning plan to keep us aall occupied and stop us gannin completleee mad!!

I have copied hiz 'blueprint' and drawn a circle on a piece of card with a pin in the middle and a hoose key hangin from the pin and divided the card into sections!
30% for housework, 30% for exercise, 30% for book reading  and 10% for a 'beer break'!-- and hung out on my kitchen waall.

I spun the key this mornin and amazingly it fell into the 'beer' section!
I will spin it every day and I promise to 'dee' whichever section the key points to!

Why dont yoo try it for yourself and see wot happens!
"BEST LUCK!"

Thursday 26 March 2020

CORONA CRISIS----SO WHY ARE TRUNK ROADS SHUT?

Posted '1:08pm bells' Thorsday 26th March 2020

Aa did mee normal 440 mile 'night truck run' to Redditch in Worcestershire and back to Team Valley (Gatesheed) last neet (to pick carpets and floorin' up) and the roads were dead quiet, with aboot a qwaataa of the normal traffic on the motorways and trunk roads.

The one thing that annoyed me woz the fact that BOTH the A1M in Coonty Durham northbound and the A19 near Smogland on Tees northbound, were closed owerneet for roadworks!  
These are 2 parallel roads that run north and the fact that the highways agency had closed BOTH of them at the same time, in this time of crisis, had mee dumb
-struck!

Most of the traffic on the roads were of supermarket food lorries and trucks carryin' urgent medical supplies to hospitals etc!

To slow them doon (and me!) by shuttin' major roads iz CRIMINAL at this time of crisis and the Highways Agency should be ashamed of themsels!
If roads need to be shut for repairs, then why (oh why!) can't they shut them on alternative nights, so that the trucks can get through, one way or the other?

You don't need to be the 'Brain of Britain' to work this one oot! 

Tuesday 24 March 2020

"IT'S A LOCK IN!"

Posted '1:03pm bells' Tuesday 24th March 2020

Boris delivered yet more devastatin' news last neet, when he told us to lock wor doors and stay put for at least 3 weeks!
We are allowed oot for exercise and shoppin and to gan to work if yoo are a key worker!

Az I am a truck driver I am classed as a key worker, but have a feeling that carpets and wood floorin', which I collect from Redditch in Worcestershire every week night are not high up on the list! (Yoo can't eat carpets, can yoo?)

News that the Champions Leegue and UEFA cups have been cancelled and now the Olympic games, reaches us!

How lang before they decide to cancel the rest of The Premyaa Leegue and lower Leegue futbaall? 
This iz now a real prospect az playin games behind closed doors, az haz been mooted, iz surely not an option to finish the season, az 22 players, plus match officials, can hardly keep a safe 2 metres distance between themselves on the pitch, can they?

This iz hardly ideal, but if things get much worse---and they surely will---then this could gan on for a few months yet!

Who could have imagined that someone eatin the wrang kind of bat in Chinaa, could cause aall this mayhem????




Sunday 22 March 2020

THE TOON SUBBUTIOS 5 MAN U SUBBUTIOS 0 *** SUBBUTEO PREMYAA LEEGUE

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 22nd March 2020

PRESS FOR HIGHLIGHTS

'The Geordie Times' told yoo yesterday that we had actually foond a game to gan tee to get wor Saturday 'fix' at a TOP SECRET location in the Toon!
THE NUFC SUBBUTIOS!

Video highlights of the game appear above, between The Toon Subbutios and Man U Subbutios!
We are delighted to tell yoo that The Toon won 5-0!
The goalscorers were: Ga
Darren Subbutio Peacock (12th minute), David Subbutio Ginola (30th minute), Sir Les Subbutio Ferdinand (63rd minute), Alan Subbutio Shearer (75th minute) and Philip Subbutio Albert (83rd minute)!

   Location: St. James' Subbuteo Park!

Attendance: One man (me!) and hiz 'dog'! ('dog' iz Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale!)







*

Saturday 21 March 2020

"ONE MAN AND HIZ 'DOG'!"---"WENT TO WATCH SOME FUTTY!"

Posted '6:00pm bells' Saturday 21st March 2020
ONE MAN AND HIZ 'DOG'
 ('DOG' IZ GEORDIE SLANG FOR 'NEWCASIL BROON ALE'!)

Aa told yooz last week that aa woz determined to get mee Saturday 'fix' today, even gannin doon to the grass roots level of 'The Northern Alliance', where it isn't unusual for just 'one man and hiz dog' to torn up!----But the suspension of AALL futbaall 'put me into 'meldown'---and even kids park futbaall haz been cancelled, because on the Coronavirus pandemic!

HOWEVER!---I HAVE foond a game to gan tee tooneet in 'The Toon' in one hours time at '7:00 bells' at a TOP SECRET location (the same time az wor postponed FA Cup game v Man City woz due to be played!)

For obvious reasons aa cannit tell yiz where it iz, az thoosands of fans, desperate for their Saturday 'fix' like me, would torn up!

BUT---I WILL video the game for yoo, wor loyal reeders---and will post highlights of it in 'The Geordie Times' tomorrow at 'high noon bells'!

So "watch this space" at midday tomorrow!---"WATCH THIS SPACE!"

"GHOST TOON!"

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Saturday 21st March 2020
BORIS DELIVERS THE DEVASTATIN' NEWS IN 
'THE LAST PINT SALOON'!

At precisely '5:01pm bells' yesterday, Boris dropped the bombshell  in The Leazes End/Companions Club behind St. James' Park, when he told a shocked handful of customers that aall pubs and clubs would be closed for the foreseeable future and aa nearly choked on mee pint when he told us!

The Toon was 'dead' yesterday afternoon/evenin' az aa went from bar to bar, which were aall virtually empty!
 ie: Aa had nee problem with 'social distancin'!

See the photos below!

THE BODEGA WOZ CLOSED!

ROSIES BAR

INSIDE ROSIES BAR

THE STRAWBERRY

INSIDE THE STRAWBERRY

STRAWBERRY TOOLSHED!




INSIDE THE LEAZES END


INSIDE THE JUNCTION WITH MEE 'LONE PINT'!

INSIDE THE CROWS NEST

INSIDE THE 3 BULLS

EMPTY CAR PARKS!

EMPTY STREETS NEAR SJP!

MASKED BANDITS IN STOWELL STREET!

Thursday 19 March 2020

'D' DAY LOOMING!

Posted '1:21pm bells' Wedinzday 18th March 2020
Updated '1:25pm bells' Thorsday

The Premyaa Leegue are to decide just what to dee tomorrow, in relation to the Coronavirus pandemic!

There are 3 options az far az we can see!

1: End the season now and give 'The Liverbirds' the title now and the bottom 3 at the moment, to be relegated!

2: Resume the season az soon az possible and play oot the remainder of the games left---even if it runs into August or September!

3: Declare the season null and void and start aall ower again in August!

We at 'The Geordie Times' feel that the solution iz to resume the season az soon az possible and play the remainder of the games---especially az The 2020 European Championships have been put back to 2021!

A decision will be made tomorrow---lets hope it's option '2'

"WATCH THIS SPACE!"

NEXT DAY: The Premyaa Leegue have cancelled games til April 30th at the orliest---and they DO intend to complete the season az soon az possible after that!

"WATCH THIS SPACE!"

Tuesday 17 March 2020

EVEN ONE MAN AND HIZ DOG CAN'T GET THEIR 'FIX' NOW!

Posted '2:07pm bells' Tuesday 17th March 2020
"NO GO, FIDO!"

News that AALL futbaall from The Premyaa Leegue doon to the grass roots of The Northern Alliance iz cancelled forthwith, meenz that games at the bottom of the pyramid, normally watched by 'one man and hiz dog' are now deemed tooo risky to watch and play!

Aalso, we are told that we shud avoid pubs and clubs, and avoid unnecessary travel, meeenin' that we cannit gan anywhere now!


And aall because of somebody in Chinaa eatin' a bloody bat!





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