Tuesday 30 September 2014

THE P*SS POTTERS 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 30th September 2014

"WHY DOES IT ALWAYS RAIN ON ME???"
ALAN P45DEW STANDS ON THE TOUCHLINE IN HIZ BLACK 
DESIGNER SUIT (centre of pic)  IN THE TORRENTIAL RAIN
TRYIN' TO PROVE A POINT!
("WHY DON'T YOO BEAT YOURSELF UP INSTEAD, ALAN????") 

Six of us travelled doon to Staffordshire for this one in mee 'canny tranny' mini bus, namely 'Big Al' <(not! the sheet metal workers son!), 'International 'Russ'cue', 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teeechaa', 'Biffa the Beer' and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer'! (plus meesel of course!)

We arrived two and a qwaataa hours before the kick off, parked up and heeded for 'The Locomotive' for some serious tonsil ticklin! <(not much for me however--az aa waz drivin'!)

'The Loco' iz aboot a 20 to 25 minute waalk from the groond and az we set off light rain waz faallin'!---This soon torned to torrential az we made wor way across a busy duel carriageway and maze of waalkways. By the time we got to the away entrance we were absolutleee soacked to the skin and mee waterproof jacket waz provin' to be ' anything but' az mee tee shirt waz wringin wet az well!---a great start to the evenin'!

The two teams ran oot from the corner players tunnel next to us to a mixture of cheers and boos!---'Cheers' for the Toon team and 'boos' for wor beleaguered manager!
The Toon were wearin' wor horrendous new 'away number' of dark blue and lime green halved shirts, lime green shorts and dark blue socks! <(the Toon kit designer obviously haz something against us!) 

P45DEW stood on the touchline az the game kicked off az the heavy rain came doon and he looked a forlorn figure in the orly minutes of the half!
Az usual we couldn't get 'oot of the blocks' and paid a heavy price az Sissoko lost the baall and a cross from a Stoke player foond the heed of the unmarked 'beanpole' Peter Crouch and he had the easy task of heedin' past Tim Krul to score wot torned oot to be the anly goal of the game in the 15th minute!
1st HALF *** THE TOON ATTACK THE BOOTHEN END

P45DEW looked a pathetic figure az he stood by himself drenched to the bone, tryin' to prove some ridiculous point that he could get wetter than anybody else, instead of takin' shelter in the dugoot with the rest of the coachin' staff!

The fans fury waz gettin' louder by the minute and a section of the seats at the front of wor end had been cordoned off to stop any potential  pitch invader(s) reachin' him!

THE TOON ATTACK THE GOAL IN FRONT OF WOR FANS
(NOTE THE EMPTY RED SEATS AT THE FRONT TO STOP PITCH INVADERS!)

We simply couldn't break doon the P*ss Potters defence and near the end Jack Colback missed the easiest of chances with the goal open, but somehow managed to hit the bar and the chance waz gone!--much to the anguish of the Toon faitful <(this ISNT a spellin misteak!) behind that goal!

Anothaa abysmal performance from us against a P*ss poor Potters team meenz that we gan in to the month of October withoot a solitary win under wor belt and lie in 2nd bottom place just aheed of Bornley on goal difference!

After the match P45DEW stated the blindingly obvious!
"We are in the bottom three!", he said under baited breath!

"Actually Alan, we are in the bottom "TWO!"

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote, Colback, Sissoko, Cabella (Sammy Ameobi 74), Gouffran (Obertan 67), Riviere (Cisse 46)

Attendance: 26,332 (1,751 p*ssed off Toon fans!)

Monday 29 September 2014

THE P*SS POTTERS v THE TOON *** TOONEET!

Posted '9:03am bells' Monday 29th September 2014

Anothaa hectic week iz in store for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' when we travel to Staffordshire tononeet in mee 'canny tranny' to face The P*ss Potts of Stoke in anothaa 'must win' game <(which most predict we 'will lose'!)

We are settin' off orly this afternoon and wor forst 'target' iz 'The Locomotive' boozer which iz a 20 minute waalk from the groond!

Santon, De Jong, Campbell and Aarons are aall oot due to injury, while Krul, Cisse and Gouffran shud retorn after missin' oot at Palace last mid-week!

Bornley's heavy defeat at WBA yesterday meenz that we move off the bottom of the table, although a 2 goal defeat for us will see us back in the basement place tooneet on goal difference!

It iz said that P45DEW's job iz on the line if we lose and this haz been well publicised ower the weekend!

The Toon will be wearin' their new thord kit, which consists of dark blue and lime green halves and looks absolutleee hideous! <(whoever designs these cr*p aways strips musn't like us!---that's for certain!) 

On Wednesday @ '7 bells' we heed to 'the east end' of The Toon where wor resorves are takin' on Heaton Stannington to open their new floodlights---a new groond for the mad-sad groundhoppers!

And then wor langest trip of the season teks place on Saturday when we face a 750 mile plus roond trip to Swanzee in sooth Wales and we are on the train for this one!

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will appear 'here' az per usual come tomorrow afternoon!

PS: The 'P*ss Potts' game iz a sellooot!---so if yi divvint have a ticket divvint gan!

Sunday 28 September 2014

THE CRYSTAL BALLS 2 THE TOON 3 *** LEEGUE CUP 3rd ROOND *** MATCH REPORT (ANLY!) FIVE DAYS LATE!

Posted '10:10am bells' Sunday 28th September 2014

Forst of aall --- grovelling apologeeez for not updatin' this site since last Tuesday!---This iz because av had an horrendous week travellin up and doon the country, followin' The Toon twice to London in 3 days, plus 3 days back and forward to the Bormingham area with mee job!--- 2,700 miles in total!---aa just haven't had time to de it!

"VIEW THROUGH A LETTERBOX!"
RIVIERE PENALTY

The trip to sooth London started off at 'The Central' where aa caught a train to Darlo for a few liquid lubrications forst!
Why Darlo yoo well may ask???---well 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teeecha' had booked me a cheapy ticket from Darlo Station for under a tenner to Kings Cross, but the train wasn't til '3 bells'!
So!--- az aa wouldn't have much time when aa eventually got to sooth London, aa stopped off at Darlo instead! (7 quid from The Toon to Darlo by the way!)
Hogans dive bar waz mee forst port o call just outside the station where the average age of the punters inside waz aboot 75!--az yiv probably guessed it waz cheap beer aall roond @ £2 a pint!

Next stop waz doon the street in 'The Dalesman' and then back to 'Hogans' before catchin' the train to Kings Cross

On arrival @ '5:30 bells' aa made for 'The Cider Tap' at Euston where 'Big Al and Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' were suppin' "Er!" 'cider' would yoo beleeeve!

It waz then onward to Palace via Victoria Station where the final 'tonsil ticklin' before the match took place in the Selhurst Railway Club---and we were made to feel more than welcome by the Palace fans!

THE MATCH
"A 'LETTERBOX' VIEW TO DIE FOR!"

Wor view from row 46 of the away side waz like watchin the game through a letterbox az a gantry had been added below the roof from the last time we were here! This meant that when the baall waz kicked up into the air we couldn't see it, til the wonders of 'gravity' brung it back doon!

There waz suprizingly a canny few Toon fans present considerin' the near 600 mile roond trip wasn't the easiest of the season and they were in good voice---backin the team instead of barrackin the manager, az waz the case at Sooothampton two weeks before!

Goal times:
25th minute: Janmaat fouls Zaha in the box and the ref points straight to the spot and Gayle places hiz shot past Elliot in The Toon goal---1-0 to Palace!

36th minute: Armstrong crosses to Riviere and he torns and shoots past the Palace keeper to level the scores!

48th minute: Sammy Ameobi runs into the box and iz fouled by a Palace defender and the ref again points straight to the spot!---this time in WOR favour!
Riviere steps up and fires the baall into the net to send the 2,000 Toon faitful into raptures ---2-1 to 'US'!

Aa had a bus to catch from Victoria at '11:30' so the very last thing aa needed waz extra time!---and so guess wot happened next????

92nd minute: Deep into injury time and when it looked az though we had won it, 'disaster struck' when after defensive errors on wor part Kiakia managed to scramble the baall into the Toon net to extend the game by a forthaa 30 minutes (at least!)

Thoughts of missin the bus and bein' stranded with ne hotel then entered mee heed az extra time started!  The Crystal Balls stadium announcer then stuck a spanner into 'the works' by gleefully tellin the whole crowd that the winners were to be 'rewarded' by an away trip to Man City in the next roond!
EVERYONE groaned includin' the 2 sets of players! <(a complete BALLS UP if yoo ask us!

112th minute: Paul 'Dummy' Dummett saves the day for us with a fantastic divin heeder to put us back in the lead---3-2!

Thankfully the dreaded penalty shoot out wasn't needed az we 'bit wor fingers to the bone' az Palace frantically tried to get anothaa equaliser!
The ref blew for time and then it waz a mad dash back to Victoria to try and catch the bus!
Aa MADE IT by just 2 MINUTES and crashed oot on the back seat az we pulled oot of the coach station!---The bus (eventually!) pulled into St James' Boulevard some SEVEN HOURS LATER !----aall in the life of an NUFC fan!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat (Haidera 46), Coloccini, Steve Taylor, Dummett, Abeid, Colback, Obertan, Armstrong, Sammy Ameobi (Sissoko 66), Riviere (Perez 80)

Attendance: 13,773 (2,000 Toon fans)


   

Tuesday 23 September 2014

310 meadow park, borehamwood (arsenal reserves)

ground number 310

Date of First Visit: 22nd September 2014

Meadow Park, Borehamwood, London

Arsenal U21 Reserves 1
Newcastle United U21 Reserves 2  (Remie Streete (2)

FA Premier Reserve League

Attendance: 350 (estimated) (includin' quite a few NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers and exiles)

(Brief match report---more to follow later)


"QUALITY STREETE!"
REMIE SCORES HIZ FORST GOAL!
(HOPE YIV GOT GOOD EYESIGHT?)

Three of us travelled doon to 'this one' by 'jam jar' supplied by 'Michael the Mag' and wor other travellin 'saddo' waz 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' who we picked up at Durham.

Fower and a half hours later and with ne traffic delays we foond worsels ootside Boremwood FCs groond in "norf Landan" @ '4:30 bells' ('7 bells ' kick off)

Az there were ne boozers around the groond and the clubhouse waz disgracefully shut!, we heeded for the toon centre half a mile away for some much needed 'liquid lubrication' in a Wetherspoon's hostelry.
It waz then onward back to the groond where by this time the clubhoose had opened! <(horray!)

It waz virtually empty apart from a few familiar 'Toonhoppers' and after anothaa bit of 'tonsil ticklin' it waz time to heed inside!

Admission waz FREE but despite this a sparse crowd greeted us upon entry. Meadow Park iz a nice tidy groond with two small seated stands and the pitch looked in 'top nick'!

Central defender Remie Streete waz wor hero of the day az he scored two 'sweet' 'Quality Streete' heeders (sic!) to win the game for The Toon. The Arse pulled one back at the death but it waz aall tooo little tooo late for The Gooners second string!

A thord win on the spin for WOR second string---if anly we could transfor this form to the forst team---if anly!

More on aall this to follow when aa get time!---like!?   

Monday 22 September 2014

"NEW GROOND! *** NEW GROOND!" *** THE ARSE RESORVES v THE TOON RESORVES @ BOREHAMWOOD *** TOONEET!

Posted '9:51am bells' Monday 22nd September 2014

The resorve U21 squad are away to The Arse in "norf Landan" @ '7 bells' tooneet @ Meadow Park, Borehamwood, in a Premyaa Leegue resorve game!

This iz a new groond for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' and aboot half a dozen are travellin' doon by car and train to 'chalk off' yet anothaa groond on the seeminglee never endin' list!

Admission iz FREE and aall are welcome!

A Geordie Times match report and pix will be forthcomin' tomorrow, sometime!

Az per usual "watch this space!"

Sunday 21 September 2014

JAMIE'S 1st, 1st TEAM GAME *** AGED 4 YEARS AND 333 DAYS OLD! *** THE TOON 2 BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '1:15pm bells' Sunday 21st September 2014

ST JAMIE'S PARK!

A momentous day in the history of NUFC, az not anly waz this a game we definatly needed to win to climb off the foot of the table, but this waz aalso grandson Jamie's forst ever forst team game @ St James'!

The day started off @ '11:15 am bells' when Jamie's mam Julie dropped him off at wor hoose and after a spot of 'brekky' it waz off to The Toon and the forst 'beer bar' <(az Jamie caalls them!) on the list, which waz The Bodega on Westgate Road, where Jamie had hiz favourite 'tipple' of orange 'beer'!

"My beers orange az well!", aa said to him az aa downed mee forst pint of 'Caffreys', az Jamie sat perched on a chair suckin' hiz 'beer' through a plastic straw!

A 'beer' spillage a few moments later when Jamie waz dein' a 'Star Wars' gladiator 'move' waz then blamed on me by Grumpy Stumpy, Tex Taylor and Norman the Cowboy Plumber <(outvoted, aa had to take ther blame!)

It waz then onward to 'beer bar 2' which waz The Black Bull in the shadows of St James' where Jamie opted for a 'blackcurrent beer' this time!
After introducin' him to Paul the Peddlin Pensioner <(he peddles a bike NOT drugs!), Sarnie Steve and The Mad Professor amonst others, he downed hiz 'beer' and it waz soon time to heed for the ground and of course Jamie's debut forst team game! (he'd seen us play Wolves in a resorve game a year orlier when we won 2-1) <(hopefully he would be a 'lucky omen'?)
"THIS BLACKCURRENT BEER IZ NICE!"
"WOW"---THIS BEERS A BIT STRONG!"

Before heedin' inside aa took him to see the 'Alder Sweeney Memorial Garden', where a small garden haz been made near the main entrance in memory of John The Undertaker and Liam from the Lamp who tragically died on flight MH17 in July.
I told him why the garden waz there and it waz to remember aall the fans who had passed away, az well az John and Liam!

He then went to go into the garden where an urn waz placed, but I told him that he wasn't supposed to go in and he waz to stay by me!
"Will I die if if go into the garden granddad?", he said seriously!

"NO! of course not!" aa said, rubbin' hiz heed in reassurance! 

On the concourse after gannin up in the lift <(200 stairs waz a bit much for hiz little legs!) Jamie waz feelin' hungry and so aa bought him a hot dog with ketchup, which he devoured, leavin' large amoonts of sauce on hiz face!
"JAMIE IZ FEELIN' A BIT PECKISH AND DEVOURS
A 'MINI' HOT DOG!"

We then took up wor seats on the Milburn Stand balcony for a grandstand view of the game!
The pitch iz a canny way below and Jamie had come prepared with a pair of 'noculars', az he caalls them, for a better view of the proccedings! <(he says 'noculars' az he's too young to get hiz tongue around the word 'Binoculars'!)

The game kicked off and straight away Hull went on the attack az wor manager bravely stood on the touchline takin much flack from the crowd az placards were raised demandin' hiz sackin' <(not by me and Jamie by the way!)
The Toon fought back however and good efforts from Colback and Cabella failed to break the deadlock. Applause then broke oot az usual in the 17th minute for the victims of flight MH17 and continued into the 18th minute for Gutierrez (wor number 18) who haz been diagnosed with testicular cancer!

Every time the crowd got excited Jamie asked me in we had scored and I had to tell him "NO!", time and time again!

He waz really enjoyin' himself and he asked me who the 'player' in yellow waz on the pitch?
Using my vast knowledge of futbaall ower the years I paused for a few seconds and realised it waz in fact THE REFEREE! (Hull played in white shirts)
"WHO'S THE MAN IN THE YELLOW SHIRT GRANDDAD!?"

The forst half finished goal-less and a much needed 3 points waz still 'way off'

The 2nd half started off disastrously when Hull's Jelovic hit an unstoppable volley into the net @ The Leazes End, sendin' the 3,000 or so Tiger Lillys above wild with delight!
Jamie asked me if WE had scored!  Again I answered "NO!" it waz 'the baddies in white' who have scored, Jamie!"

Anothaa fine goal at the mid point of the half to the visitors, scored by Diame, looked to have spoilt Jamie's day and we looked resigned to defeat!
Jamie then asked me at the top of hiz voice why there were TWO goals??  I told him, (while everyone around us listened on!) that that waz a very good question and I didn't know the answer!!! (loud laughter from the fans around us then followed!) 
Perhaps he shud have asked wor beleaguered manager instead???
GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE! *** JAMIE TOOK THIS FOTO!

And then the 'master stroke' to save wor day!----Papiss Cisse waz brought on to replace the ineffective Riviere just after this and straight away he made a difference az we pounded the Hull goal @ The Gallowgate End
A goal for 'Jamie' finally came when a Cheik Tiote sliced shot foond Cisse at the near post and he gleefully fired home past McGregor in the visitors goal to pull a goal back, just 4 minutes after comin' on! 
Aa lifted Jamie into the air az the crowd cheered and he asked me if we were winnin' now?
"Not yet!" aa said, but there iz still time!"

Three minutes from the end and Cisse saved 'Jamie's special day' when he poked the baall home from a Gouffran pass!
Again aa lifted Jamie into the air az the stadium erupted!

Jamie again asked me if "we had won!" and aa telt him that 'The Toon' had equalised and he thought that meant that BOTH teams had won!?

The game ended just after this and Jamie told him that he had really enjoyed himself!  That's two games he haz been to in total, includin' the resorve game mentioned, and hiz UNBEATEN RECORD remains intact!  <(a lucky mascot indeed!)

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote (Sammy Ameobi 85), Colback, Cabella, Sissoko, Gouffran (Perez 94), Riviere (Cisse 70)

Attendance 49,199 <(includin' Jamie of course!) (3,000 Tiger Lillys)
Highest crowd in Britain ower the weekend!        


Friday 19 September 2014

THE TOON v BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '2:12pm bells' Friday 19th September 2014
WOR LAST MEETING *** WE WON 4-1 @ THE KC LAST SEASON

A traumatic day iz guaranteed @ St James' Park tomorrow afternoon when we take on Hull @ St James'.

A defiant P45DEW says he will take whatever flack iz thrown at him durin' the match, but the question iz!---- will he have the bottle to move off hiz seat on the bench to bellow instructions to the players?--- OR! will he hide in the dugout and give hiz assistant John Carver the 'dorty work' instead???

P45DEW iz quoted az sayin; "This situation at the moment is like mass hysteria!"--unquote!

A'm takin'  Jamie mee 4 year old grandson to hiz forst ever forst team game and a victory would be very nice 'Alan', if yoo can provide it for him? (he's seen the resorves win when he waz 3!) 

On the injury front, De Jong iz said to be on crutches and will be oot til Xmas---Aarons and Santon are still not match fit and could be oot for a while, while Cisse iz said to be ready to make hiz seasons 'debut' against Stoke next week and not tomorrow az reported!

We desperately need a victory----if anly for little Jamie's sake!

A full match and Jamie's '1st team debut' report will follow sometime on Sunday! ---az per usual watch this space!

Thursday 18 September 2014

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TOONIES!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 18th September 2014

Followin' fan unrest in Sooothampton last week, some Toon fans are plannin' a protest @ St James' Park on Saturday when we take on 'Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys' in a '3 bells' kick off.

At Sooothampton, az the players were warmin' up before the kick off, some of wor younger element of fans had unfurled anti Pardew banners in the away end, much to the annoyance of coach John Carver who came ower to remonstrate!

We at 'The Geordie Times' can see Carver's point!---To de this BEFORE the game haz even kicked off iz pure madness az it can anly send negative vibes to the players on the pitch!

Most of the perpetrators were fans in their teens or orly twenties and three of them came doon to the front at the start of the 2nd half and held aloft a double (beer stained!) bedsheet with 'PARDEW OUT' written on it in black spray paint!

Those of us 'langer in the tooth', shall we say,? just stood in stunned silence az the goals went in!

With P45DEW still in charge come Saturday afternoon---things can anly get worse!

Tuesday 16 September 2014

TOON U21s 2 WOLVES WANABEEZ U21s 1

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 16th September 2014

A win at St James' Park at last! came last neet---but it waz wor U21s and not the forst team in action!
Goals from Gael Bigiramana and Tom Heardman secured the win against The Wanabeez from Wolves in front of a sub 500 'crowd'

Monday 15 September 2014

SOOOTHAMPTON 4 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:00am bells' Monday 145th September 2014
THE TOON MAKE A RARE 'SORTE' INTO THE SOOOTHAMPTON HALF!
("WHO ATE AALL THE PIES?")

"HAMPSHIRE HORROR SHOW WOE!"

The day started off @ '6 am bells' when we boarded the train to London for the forst leg of the trip to Sooothampton in deepest Hampshire, for this Premyaa Leegue encounter!

A'd done mee usual 450 mile nightshift 'truck run' doon to the Bormingham area and back and had finished work @ 2:45 am bells'---enough time to gan yem have a shower and get changed into mee Toon attire and book a taxi to 'The Central'

The banter on the train waz aall doom and gloom a'm afraid from the Toon faithful az we sped towards the capital city!
Aa soon fell asleep! "ZZZZZZzzzzzz!!!!!!"

Upon arrival we made for Waaterloo Station on the tube, where the next 'leg' would take us on to Sooothampton and it's many ale hooses!

A quick 'liquid lubrication' in 'The Beer Hoose' @ Waaterloo quenched wor thorsts before boardin' the packed 'South West' train!
 
It waz then 'onwards' to wor final destination, where (1hour :20 mins later!) we arrived in very good time on the sun drenched coast!

After sampling the various beers in some of wor fave haunts doon here, it waz (reluctantleee!) time to heed for St Mary's!---aa say 'reluctantlee' az most Toon fans thought we  would get beat, like we did last season, when we were completeleee ootplayed and lost 4-0!

And so it proved!---az we were greeted by anothaa lack lustre display in front of the 2,550 Geordies who had made the 666 mile roond trip from Tyneside --just like us!

One 'plonker' standin' in the same row az us, had a camera on hiz HEED! and he stood there like an idiot for aall to see!
"SMILE! *** YOUR ON CANDID CAMERA!"


The sequence of events were az follows!:

20 seconds!: Coloccini makes an awful back pass to Tim Krul in the 'Toon' goal and he wellies the baall, which richoshades <(hope a'v spelt that reet!?) off a Soothampton forward and reboonds just past the left hand post in front of the travellin' faithful!
A very lucky escape for us!

3rd minute: Tim Krul rushes oot of hiz goal and appears to punch Soothampton's Long in the kisser, but the ref thought he had punched the baall instead and gave a throw in to the home side!?

4th minute: Anothaa defensive misstayk (by Williamson aa think?) lets in the home side again but thankfully they miss their chance again!

6th minute: The inevitable  happens when The Saints take the lead and wor 'sinner' iz Williamson who attempted? a heeder to anothaa Toon player, but it ended up with Soothampton's Bertrand, who's lob foond Pelle and he heeded past a helpless Krul in front of The Toon faithful to put the home side 1-0 up!

18th minute: Immediately after the now usual 17th minute applause for MH17 victims John 'The Undertaker' and Liam, The Saints get a 2nd from Pelle again who side footed past Krul to put the game seemingly beyond us! (aa meeen!---who waz gannin' to score WOR goals?) 

We did have a couple of chances later on but both were 'fluffed' by 'The Sissoko Kid' and Colback!

We somehow managed to get to half time still just 2-0 doon and wondered just how many we would actually concede az Soothampton bombarded wor goal!?

An 'un-ironed' dorty beer stained double bedsheet then appeared in front of us just after the re-start with 'PARDEW OUT' written in black spray paint on the front of it! <(no doubt 'nicked' from some unsuspectin' mam's linen cupboard!)
"THE WRITINGS ON THE 'BED-SHEET'!"

P45DEW <(hiz new name!) waz gettin' some horrendous stick by a canny few Toon fans and he sat on hiz seat in the dugout throughout the game, anly 'darin' to briefly stand up once in case the fans booed him! <(surely there iz ne way that he can carry on!? <(surely not???) 
John Carver and Steve Stone, hiz assistants, were left to prowl the touchline givin' oot orders az P45DEW sat motionless, with hiz arms folded, like a frightened rabbit in the headlights of a car!

54th minute: The Toon 'bottled it' again when a mix up by Williamson <(again!) and Krul let in Cork, who had the simple task of roundin' wor keeper and placin' the baall into the empty net!

94th minute: A repeat of last season's 4-0 defeat now happed az Schneiderlin <(hope a'v splet that reet!?) hit a fine effort into the top corner of wor net to complete wor misery and send us to the bottom of the Leegue!!

This waz wor worst display for many a year and the shambles just gans on and on! (The annual 'Sooothampton Boat Show' waz on az well!---mebeez we shud have aall went there instead!???)

Some liquid lubrications back in London to drown wor sorrows followed and we eventually got yem @ '12:30 bells' via King's Cross once again!

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Haidera, Colback, Anita (Tiote 46), Cabella (Perez 69), Sissoko (Sammy Ameobi 89?) <(wot waz the point?), Gouffran, Riviere

Attendance: 29,678 (2,550 p*ssed off Toon fans!)



Friday 12 September 2014

SOOOTHAMPTON v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Updated 'high noon bells' Friday 12th September 2014
Action from last season @ St Mary's
(We lost 4-0 !)

We face wor 2nd langest trip of the season on Saturday when we heed for Soothampton in a '3 bells' kick off <(Swanzee iz forthaa!)

De Jong's injury rules him oot til at least Xmas and az for Cheik Tiote who played for the Ivory Coast on Wednesday, it iz anybodys guess wethaa he will make it back in time to torn oot for the club who pay hiz wages!  Rolando Aaarons iz aalso reported to be 'oot' but Jack Colback shud be in the startin' line-up!

I am dein' mee normal neet truck run to the Bormingham area on Friday neet (450 miles roond trip) and with a bit luck aa shud be finished by '3 am bells'---plenty of time to get some sleep az the train leaves at '6 am bells'! (660 miles roond trip!)

To be honest aa dare-nit gan to sleep az aa would miss the train, so aa'll just watch the telly for a couple of hours before makin' mee way to 'The Central'!  (Matchsticks in eyelids 'at the ready'!) <(aall in the life of a mad-sad groundhopper'!)

Not many Toon fans think we will get anythin' from this fixture and if that iz the case we could find worsels in the bottom 3 come Saturday neet! <(hopefully we CAN get a result?)

More worryingleee, we have taken a meagre 18 points from a possible 66 in The Premyaa Leegue so far this year and have won just 5 games, losin' 14 and drawn 3 times!---'R' yoo readin' this P45dew????

We have sold wor full allocation of tickets for this game which totals 2,550, but beware if yoo are gannin' doon by road!----The Sooothampton Boat Show iz on at the same time and traffic chaos iz forecast!

'The Geordie Times' will of course bring yoo a full match and drinkin' report on Sunday or Monday <(dependin' on how aa feel!)

It iz ower 45 years since aa forst went to Sooothampton when we drew 0-0 @ The Dell <(match report from that game below!)

Tuesday 9 September 2014

"AWAY THE LADS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 9th September 2014

AWAY SECTION OF ST JAMES' PARK

News that a giant screen iz to be erected @ St James' Park iz great news for aall away fans az it will be reet next to them!

Toon fans in othaa parts of the groond will have a lang distance view of the screen which will be fixed onto the glass panel at the corner of The Leazes End level 7 and The East Stand!

However!---if yoo are a season ticket holder in the East Stand or 'Strawberry Corner', yoo won't be able to see the screen at aall!---and in total 12,000 Toon fans will have absolutleee ne view of it whatsoevaa!

"AWAY THE LADS!"

Monday 8 September 2014

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS DIARY FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS

Posted '9:43pm bells' Monday 8th September 2014

A DATE FOR YOUR GROUNDHOPPIN' DIARY! *** 23rd SEPTEMBER 2014!
"NEW GROOND! *** NEW GROOND!"

Here' iz the mad-sad groundhoppers hectic diary for the next fower weeks!---a possibility of NINE different groonds to visit!
BUT! impossible to watch every game az some dates 'clash'!

Key:
Gold = 1st team game
Pink = Resorve/U21s game
Green(horns) = U18s game  

SEPTEMBER
Sat 13th @ '3 bells': Sooothampton @ St Mary's Stadium

(IF? yi cannit get to Sooothampton then yi can aalways 'groundhop' to Benton on the same day!) 

Sat 13th @ '12:30 bells': Bolton @ Little Benton

Mon 15th @ '7 bells': Wolves @ St James' Park

Sat 20th @ '11 bells': The Smoggies @ Rockcliffe Park, Herworth

Then make a 'bee-line up to The Toon!

Sat 20th @ '3 bells': Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys @ St James' Park

Mon 22nd @ '7 bells': The Arse @ Meadow Park, Boreham Wood

Wed 24th @ '8 bells': Crystal Baalls @ Selhurst Park

Sat 27th @ '11 bells': The Liverbirds @ Little Benton

Mon 29th @ '8 bells': The P*ss Potts of Stoke @ The Brittania Stadium

OCTOBER
Wed 1st @ '7:30 bells': Heaton Stan @ Grounsell Park, High Heaton

Sat 4th @ '11 bells': Derby Coonty @ Little Benton

Yi can aalways gan to Swanzee if yi cannit get to Benton!

Sat 4th @ '3 bells': Swanzee @ Liberty Stadium



Sunday 7 September 2014

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS! ***** "THE 'HEAT' IZ ON!"


Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 7th September 2014

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that 'The Toon' are to send a team to Northern Leegue Heaton Stannington's groond on Wednesday the forst of October for a friendly game.

This will be the forst time ever (az far az we are aware?) that 'The Toon' will have played @ Grounsell Park and the mad-sad groundhoppers will be there in force (aall ten of us!) to sample the pies and ales!

The groond iz in the east end of The Toon on Newton Road, High Heaton and not far from The Freeman Hospital.
Kick off iz @ '7:30 bells' and admission prices have still to be annoonced! 

Friday 5 September 2014

150 THANK YOOZ!

Posted '2:05pm bells' Friday 5th September 2014

'The Geordie Times' haz just received a 'hit' from Macau off the southern coast of China.
This iz the 150th country or territory on the planet orth to have visited theeeze pages since we started bloggin'!

We thank each and every one of yoo for visitin' this site and we will of course continue to bring yoo aall the NUFC news second hand ,forst!

SPORZ GAME MOVED!

Posted '1:17pm bells' Friday 5th September 2014
ACTION 'IN THE SUN' @ WHITE HART LANE LAST SEASON

Az expected wor game at White Hart Lane scheduled for Saturday 24th October haz been moved to the Sunday with a '1:30 bells' kick off!
This iz because Sporz are in Europa Leegue action the previous Thorsday and it meenz wor retorn train tickets are now 'bin-able'!

We are still usin' the tickets doon to 'The Smoke' on the Saturday mornin' ,but will have to 'bin' the '9 bells' train tickets back on the Saturday neet and get new tickets for wor Sunday retorn. (Plus a hotel of course!)
Who cares aboot the fans anyway????

Wednesday 3 September 2014

GROOND 309 AT LAST!

Posted '10:50am bells' Wednesday 3rd September 2014

A'v just finished the match report from Gillingham EIGHT days ago (see below!)
Better late than never!

309 priestfield stadium gillingham

(Ground number 309)
Date of First Visit: 26th August 2014
Priestfield Stadium, Gillingham

Gillingham 0
Newcastle United 1 (Egan og)

Capital One Cup (League Cup) 2nd round

Attendance: 10,204 (1,295 Toon fans)


"GARDEN OF ENGLAND???---YOUR HAVIN' A LAFF!!!"


"WELCOME TO 'THE GARDEN OF ENGLAND'!"




PRIESTFIELD ROAD, GILLINGHAM
THE 'AWAY END' IZ AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STREET
We set off @ '10 bells' from HQ in Barrack Road in a 22 seater mini bus with just 13 saddos on board az we heeded doon to deepest Kent ower the Redheugh Bridge!

Seven hours later we arrived exhausted and ready to down several liquid refreshments in 'The Dog' az kick off waz still nearly three hours away!

A'v never ever been to Gillingham before and for some reason (unbeknown to man nor beast!) aa half expected rows of neat semi detached hooses with manicured lawns and immaculate flower beds, az Kent, after aall, is known az 'The Garden of England'

And wot did we get???---Row upon row of shabby and run doon terraced hooses with paint peelin' from the doors and wood wormed windows, alang with old mattresses, broken bedsteads, discarded three piece suites and various amoonts of rubbish adornin' the tiny front gardens, with a sprinklin' of weeds, split bin bags, barkin' dogs, scruffy cats and empty tin cans owerflowin' into the main thoroughfare to the groond!
"Welcome to Gillingham!"
"PART OF 'THE SCENIC ROUTE' TO THE PRIESTFIELD STADIUM!"
On enterin' the away section of the groond the 'scene' waz ne better az we were greeted by a 'golf stand', complete with scaffoldin' poles to hold the whole contraption up!  There waz ne roof of course and it started to drizzle to complete the picture!

The Toon fielded a fairly strong line up (see below) but struggled from 'the off' against a p*ss poor Gills outfit az we attacked 'The Rainham End' of the groond at the opposite end from us! (very appropriately named considerin' the drizzle!)
YOO CAN'T READ IT IN THE PICTURE, BUT THE BLUE SCOREBOARD
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE 'BUS SHELTER STAND' ACTUALLY SAYS:
'THE GILLS 0   THE TOON 1' !

The breakthrough did come however in the 25th minute, courtesy of an own goal at 'The Rainham End', when Obertan ran doon the right and beat two of their players before crossin' towards Riviere in the box.
Ex mackem player John Egan got there forst and tried to chest the baall towards hiz keeper, but he missed it and the baall rolled into the net to give us the lead!

There waz nowt else to taalk aboot til the break and the best move waz when aa heeded for 'the manky tool-shed' at the bottom of 'the golf stand'!

The 2nd period wasn't much better az 'The Gills' pressed for the equaliser but thankfully the dreaded extra 30 minutes didn't materialise <(we naa aall the big words!) and we managed to hang on for the victory and a place in the next roond of the competition!

A'd now completed 'the set' of domestic groonds that still exist, where 'The Toon' have played a competitive game, since aa started gannin in the 1960s (Aa wasn't at Layer Road, Colchester in 1982, my only 'blemish', but they have now moved onto pastures new!) 

It waz then the waalk back doon 'the scenic route' on Priestfield Road towards where the busses were parked and the lang jorney back yem! (we eventually arrived back on Tyneside at '5 bells' the next mornin'!)

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Haidera, Abeid, Coloccini, Steve Taylor, Obertan, Sissoko, Aarons (Cabella 60), Riviere (Gouffran 86), De Jong (Perez 68)


Tuesday 2 September 2014

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS!

Posted '9:47pm bells' Tuesday 2nd September 2014

Attention aaall 'mad-sad groundhoppers!---an important announcement that will 'rock yoo to the core'!---Wor forthcomin' U21 (resorve) visits to both 'The Arse' and 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke' have been changed!

The new dates and venues are az follows!

Mon 22nd September @ '7 bells': The Arse U21s v The Toon U21s @ Meadow Park, Boreham Wood, Hertfortshire (waz Fri 19th September)

Fri 14th November @ '7 bells': 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke U21s v The Toon U21s @ Moss Rose, Macclesfield, Cheshire (waz Fri 26th September)

By the way!!!!---- I am workin away fevourishleee on the report from groond number 309 @ The Priestfield Stadium, Gillingham from last week !  ("GARDEN OF ENGLAND?---YOUR HAVIN A LAFF!!!") 
 A little bit late perhaps, but THIS IZ 'The Geordie Times' after aall! ----and remember wor motto!  "We bring yoo aall the news forst hand, second!"----or iz it second hand, forst!????"

NE DEADLINE DEALS FOR TOON! <"WOT DID YOO EXPECT!?"

Posted '12:55pm bells' Tuesday 2nd September 2014

The transfor deadline's come and gone!
A proven striker, we've signed none!
"We've signed enough!", Pardew haz said!
Ben Arfa's gone to Hull, instead!

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