Monday, 15 September 2014

SOOOTHAMPTON 4 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:00am bells' Monday 145th September 2014
THE TOON MAKE A RARE 'SORTE' INTO THE SOOOTHAMPTON HALF!
("WHO ATE AALL THE PIES?")

"HAMPSHIRE HORROR SHOW WOE!"

The day started off @ '6 am bells' when we boarded the train to London for the forst leg of the trip to Sooothampton in deepest Hampshire, for this Premyaa Leegue encounter!

A'd done mee usual 450 mile nightshift 'truck run' doon to the Bormingham area and back and had finished work @ 2:45 am bells'---enough time to gan yem have a shower and get changed into mee Toon attire and book a taxi to 'The Central'

The banter on the train waz aall doom and gloom a'm afraid from the Toon faithful az we sped towards the capital city!
Aa soon fell asleep! "ZZZZZZzzzzzz!!!!!!"

Upon arrival we made for Waaterloo Station on the tube, where the next 'leg' would take us on to Sooothampton and it's many ale hooses!

A quick 'liquid lubrication' in 'The Beer Hoose' @ Waaterloo quenched wor thorsts before boardin' the packed 'South West' train!
 
It waz then 'onwards' to wor final destination, where (1hour :20 mins later!) we arrived in very good time on the sun drenched coast!

After sampling the various beers in some of wor fave haunts doon here, it waz (reluctantleee!) time to heed for St Mary's!---aa say 'reluctantlee' az most Toon fans thought we  would get beat, like we did last season, when we were completeleee ootplayed and lost 4-0!

And so it proved!---az we were greeted by anothaa lack lustre display in front of the 2,550 Geordies who had made the 666 mile roond trip from Tyneside --just like us!

One 'plonker' standin' in the same row az us, had a camera on hiz HEED! and he stood there like an idiot for aall to see!
"SMILE! *** YOUR ON CANDID CAMERA!"


The sequence of events were az follows!:

20 seconds!: Coloccini makes an awful back pass to Tim Krul in the 'Toon' goal and he wellies the baall, which richoshades <(hope a'v spelt that reet!?) off a Soothampton forward and reboonds just past the left hand post in front of the travellin' faithful!
A very lucky escape for us!

3rd minute: Tim Krul rushes oot of hiz goal and appears to punch Soothampton's Long in the kisser, but the ref thought he had punched the baall instead and gave a throw in to the home side!?

4th minute: Anothaa defensive misstayk (by Williamson aa think?) lets in the home side again but thankfully they miss their chance again!

6th minute: The inevitable  happens when The Saints take the lead and wor 'sinner' iz Williamson who attempted? a heeder to anothaa Toon player, but it ended up with Soothampton's Bertrand, who's lob foond Pelle and he heeded past a helpless Krul in front of The Toon faithful to put the home side 1-0 up!

18th minute: Immediately after the now usual 17th minute applause for MH17 victims John 'The Undertaker' and Liam, The Saints get a 2nd from Pelle again who side footed past Krul to put the game seemingly beyond us! (aa meeen!---who waz gannin' to score WOR goals?) 

We did have a couple of chances later on but both were 'fluffed' by 'The Sissoko Kid' and Colback!

We somehow managed to get to half time still just 2-0 doon and wondered just how many we would actually concede az Soothampton bombarded wor goal!?

An 'un-ironed' dorty beer stained double bedsheet then appeared in front of us just after the re-start with 'PARDEW OUT' written in black spray paint on the front of it! <(no doubt 'nicked' from some unsuspectin' mam's linen cupboard!)
"THE WRITINGS ON THE 'BED-SHEET'!"

P45DEW <(hiz new name!) waz gettin' some horrendous stick by a canny few Toon fans and he sat on hiz seat in the dugout throughout the game, anly 'darin' to briefly stand up once in case the fans booed him! <(surely there iz ne way that he can carry on!? <(surely not???) 
John Carver and Steve Stone, hiz assistants, were left to prowl the touchline givin' oot orders az P45DEW sat motionless, with hiz arms folded, like a frightened rabbit in the headlights of a car!

54th minute: The Toon 'bottled it' again when a mix up by Williamson <(again!) and Krul let in Cork, who had the simple task of roundin' wor keeper and placin' the baall into the empty net!

94th minute: A repeat of last season's 4-0 defeat now happed az Schneiderlin <(hope a'v splet that reet!?) hit a fine effort into the top corner of wor net to complete wor misery and send us to the bottom of the Leegue!!

This waz wor worst display for many a year and the shambles just gans on and on! (The annual 'Sooothampton Boat Show' waz on az well!---mebeez we shud have aall went there instead!???)

Some liquid lubrications back in London to drown wor sorrows followed and we eventually got yem @ '12:30 bells' via King's Cross once again!

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Haidera, Colback, Anita (Tiote 46), Cabella (Perez 69), Sissoko (Sammy Ameobi 89?) <(wot waz the point?), Gouffran, Riviere

Attendance: 29,678 (2,550 p*ssed off Toon fans!)



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