Thursday, 31 May 2018

MARTIN'S A MAG!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 31st May 2018

Az per usual 'The Geordie Times' iz one day behind with the news, but we are delighted to tell yoo that Sparta Prague's on loan Slovakian international goalie,29 year old Martin Dubravka, haz signed a 4 year deal, reported to be in the region of £5 million quid!

We can anly assume that he haz signed because 'Rafa the Gaffer' haz had assurances aboot hiz future from NUFC!

The forst signin' of many we hope!?

Today's 'Ronny-Gill'!

Wednesday, 30 May 2018

"A RIGHT PROPER 'CHARLIE'!"

Posted '3:15pm bells' Wednesday 30th May 2018
"Honest---I've supported sund'lind since I was 3!"
 .

sund'lind's new executive director (whatevaa that meenz!?) caalled 'Charlie' haz said that he haz aalways thought that NUFC were an arrogant club who seem to think they are special!
This 'right Charlie' says he aalways had a fondness and soft spot towards the SMBs, leadin to him havin antipathy towards NUFC
(He would say that---wouldnt he!?)

He's an OXFAAD UNITED FAN and woz born there, so it seems very strange that he haz a soft spot for a club 300 miles north!

Wot he iz tryin to say iz: "I'm one of yoo and I hate 'The Mags', just like you!"
Wot utter garbage!---but will the mackems be taken in by aall this cr*p and buy their season tickets because of wot he haz said! (Lower bowl tickets only available!)

Accordin to the Oxfaad- Inglish dictionary (very appropriate az thats where he's from!) it says that the word 'arrogant' meenz , 'superior' and 'mocking'! (az if we would!)

"Er!"---"Mebeez he's right after aall!"☺😊😀😁😂😃😄😆

PS: Accordin' to the said dictionary, 'antipathy' meenz 'dislike', 'hatred' and 'loathing', while 'a Charlie' meenz, 'stupid fool', 'baffoon' and 'clown'!

100% right again!

Footnote:
In an interview on Radio Newcasil (thats reet, Radio NEWCASIL!) 'charlie' said that the Oxfaad v Swindon derby woz just az 'intense' az the Tyne/wear derby!!!
A 'right charlie' for certain!!!ðŸ˜Ļ

(Educated at Oxfaad Univorsity and Eton, and speakin' with a 'posh voice', charlie iz obviously on the 'same wave length' az the mackems who come from witherwack and pennywell!---"Thi naaaz!")

Tuesday, 29 May 2018

NUFC PRE SEASON FIXTURES 2018-2019*** LATEST NEWS!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Munday 21st July "er!" May 2018
Updated 'high noon bells' Friday 25th May 2018
Updated '3:40pm bells' Tuesday 29th May 2018
TRUNGLE PARK, MOUSEHOLE FC

"WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY, THE MICE WILL PLAY!"

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that some pre season friendlies are in the pipeline!

Forst of aall wor U23s squad are due to play in a tournament in deepest Cornwall at a ridiculously named place caalled Mousehole (prenoonced 'Mowsall')

It's a 4 team tournament with 'uddersfield, Bolton, and Mousehole FC the othaa participants in 'The Endorsed Cup'
TRUNGLE PARK, MOUSEHOLE FC
(ON A NON MATCH DAY!)

The tournament will take place at Trungle Park, the home groond of Mousehole FC on Friday July 20th and Saturday 21st July.
Wor forst game will be against 'Ne Where Near' Bolton (their groond iz 6 miles to the north of Bolton!) on the Friday and will kick off immediatly after Mousehole's game v 'uddersfield, which kicks off at '5:30 bells'

The 2 losers will then play each othaa on the Saturday at '1:00 bells', followed by the final between the 2 winners at '4:00 bells'

Mousehole iz near Penzance and iz just 10 miles from Land's End and iz the MOST SOUTHERLY futbaall groond in Ing-er-land!
(Provided the games don't 'clash' with forst team games, 'The Geordie Times' will be there!----We've done the most northerly groond in Ing-er-land, quite a few times, which iz Scottish Leegue side Berwick Rangers'z Shielfield Park abode!)


Aalso, despite still not knowin' if Rafa will still be here, there are fixtures in the Republic of Ireland v Dublin side St. Patricks Athletic az NUFC are gannin on their annual trainin' camp in Maynooth near Dublin at the beginning of July---there iz no date yet for this match! (Probably in the forst week of July!)
RICHMOND PARK, ST. PATRICKS ATHLETIC FC

There are aalso rumours of games v Celtic and Oporto of Portugal, but we have ne idea if they will be home or away games!

Updated Tuesday 29th May

"STOP PRESS!---STOP PRESS!"
Wor secret club 'mole' tells us that wor U23s are to play Rangers U23s at Rangers trainin' groond on the ootskirts of Glasgow on Munday 30th July @ '2 bells'!---Yoo hord it forst in 'The Geordie Times'!

We will of course, keep yoo---wor loyal and faithful reeeders, posted of any more forthcomin' pre season fixture news az it happens! 

Monday, 28 May 2018

WILL ST.JAMES' PARK BE ON 'THE MENU' FOR THE SMBs? OR WILL THEY BE SENT TO COVENTRY?

Posted 10:00am bells Munday 28th May 2018
The othaa SJP!

There iz just one more play off place left at Wembley this afternooon, when Exitaa City take on favorites Coventree City @ '3:00 bells' in the Leegue 2 play off final!

We reeely wud like Exitaa to win az the mackems can then look forward to a trip to St. James' Park next season!----That's St. James' Park, EXITAA!, by the way!☺😊😀😁😂😃😄

Updated '9:02 pm bells'

Coventry won 3-1 which meeenz that the mackems WILL be sent to Coventry next season! (AND Shrewsbury Toon, who lost in the Leegue 1 play off final!😅)




Saturday, 26 May 2018

"WOT GANS AROOND ----!"

Posted '8:45pm bells' Saturday 26th May 2018
"WEMBLEY WAIL!"


FOR 'SOB ON THE TYNE' read 'WEMBLEY WAIL!'ðŸ˜Ī
"WOT GANS AROOND COMES AROOND!"😅

Explanation: In 2009 NUFC were relegated at Villa Park and to rub salt into the wounds the Villa fans mocked us and hung banners from The Holte End of their groond which said
'SOB ON THE TYNE' and 'WHO'S YOUR NEXT MESSIAH--ANT OR DEC?'

They repeated this in 2016 when we (alang with them!) were virtually relegated at their place again!

Up until 2009 we had no 'history' of animosity against them, but their decision to "take the p*ss" oot of us that day in 2009 in particular, changed aall that!

Aall Toon fans were rootin' for Fulim yesterday in the Play off final at Wembley, for the right to win promotion back to the 'big time' of the Premyaa Leegue!
And to wor delight, Fulim won 1-0 to keep 'Broken Nose Bruce' and  'The HAZBEENS and Villans' in 'The Championship'!
"WHO'S YOUR NEXT MESSIAH!"
"JASPER CARROTT?"

Like we said, when the mackems laughed at us when we were relegated, (by flyin a plane ower SJP with an attached banner, mockin us), we have now got wor own back on them az well, when they were relegated to Leegue 1 by Borton Albion in April!

Aaltogether now! (To both sets of fans!)
"YOO LAUGHED AT US WHEN WE WENT DOWN!---
BUT WHO THE F*** IZ LAUGHIN' NOW!?"

Remember!
"WOT GANS AROOND-COMES AROOND!!!" ☺😊😀😁😂😃😄

CHAMPIONSHIP AND CHAMPIONS LEEGUE FINALS TODAY

Posted '2:20pm bells' Saturday 26th May 2018

The play off final takes place today between The Hazbeenz and Villans and Fulim at Wembley!
We reeely would like Fulim to win after Villa fans twice mocked us when we were relegated in 2009 and 2016 with their 'SOB ON THE TYNE' and 'WHO'S YOUR NEXT MESSIAH---ANT OR DEC?' banners in The Holte End of Villa Park!
Aalso we would aalso like wor loan signin' 'Mitro' to score the winnin' goal---thank yoo very much!

Az for the Champions Leegue final later tooneet, we reeely feel for the Liverbirds fans who's flights were cancelled to Kiev at the last minute and who will miss the game v Real Madrid!

It nearly happened to us in 2004 when an air traffic control strike meant that wor flight to Athens to watch NUFC v Panionios in the Inter Toto Cup waz delayed and we didnt get in til half time!
It waz a close caall but we made it eventually!

We cant imagine wot it wud be like to MISS a cup final after forkin oot £2,000!
Hope the mickey mousers win that one, just for the look on Ronaldo's face!

Friday, 25 May 2018

WEARSIDE JACK!***AND SAMSON THE CAT!

Posted '2:53pm bells' Friday 25th May 2018
sund'lind's new manager!---forst excluuusive picture!---
yoo saw and read it forst in The Geordie Times'!

"CATaclysmic events on wearside!"

Sensational news reaches 'The Geordie Times' that the mackem's new owner 'Donald the Duck Egg' haz appointed a new manager to take ower from 'Sir' Chris Coleman!
He iz the former St Mirren manager and haz aalready been dubbed 'WEARSIDE JACK'! by Toon fans!

The SMBs have aalso appointed a new MD, who iz the clubs mascot 'SAMSON THE CAT'!!!
(I KID YOO NOT!)

"YI COULDNT POSSIBLY MAKE IT UP!"

Thursday, 24 May 2018

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GEORDIE IN KIEV??

Posted '2:30pm bells' Thorsday 24th May 2018

'The Liverbirds' play in The Champions Leegue final in Kiev v Real Madrid on Saturday neet and one of Liverpool's players iz jordan henderson, who used to play for the mackems and woz born and 'in-bred' there!
However!---He abandoned 'the sinkin' ship' 'many moons ago' and heeded for Morseyside instead! (Hardly a mackem hero!---"eh!")

Some brain dead mackem haz put a photo of him on WhatsApp sayin' that he is 'one of their own', with the caption:
'Have you ever seen a Geordie IN KIEV??'  'FTM'
(FTM stands for Fool, Tosser and Muppet!)


Well!---actually 'jake'!---yoo 'jerk'!
See Geordie Times'z NUFC archive match report from ground 158 in 1997, in the article below!

158 olympic/respublikansky stadion kiev


(GROUND NUMBER 158)

Date of First Visit: 1st OCTOBER 1997



OLYMPIC/RESPUBLIKANSKY STADION, KIEV

UKRAINE



DINAMO KIEV 2 

NEWCASTLE UNITED 2 (John Beresford 2)



U.E.F.A. CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

ATTENDANCE 100,000  (400 Toon fans, plus ME in the Kiev End!)





"KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN KIEV!"



"SPOT THE FLOODLIGHT BULBS!"


The club had organised a day trip tih the Ukrainian capital for the princely sum of aroond aboot £320!.

‘The Caped Crusader’ (as usual!) was panickin' because he does'nt like travellin' on the day of the match in case somethin' gans wrang like delays by fog or bad weather for example and AH was panickin' (as usual!) coz the flight took fower hours.

(As far as a'm concerned, that's fower hours for sommik tih gan wrang, like the propellers faallin off or the engine blaa'in up!)

So it was a nervous duo who entered Newcastle Airport that mornin'! tih check in for wor 'said' 'day trip!'.

Needless tih say!, the flight torned oot tih be uneventful and we arrived at Kiev airport in one piece AND on time!.

The anly problem was that it took another two f***** hours tih get through customs, as the local 'secret police' double checked wor visas and passports.



The one that checked mine (a little c*** in a big hat!) just gave iz one of those:

'YOU LOOK LIKE AN AMERICAN SECRET AGENT TO ME', looks!, and aa half expected tih be 'carted off' tih the nearest Siberian salt mine for ten years hard labour!.

After aboot two minutes and a word in the 'shell like' of a fellow 'comrade' he finally gave iz the 'aall clear' and lerriz through, much tih my relief! as ah did'nt care too much for a 'boiled grass 'n' sheeps eyes soup' diet!, in a concentration camp tih see iz intih the new millennium!.

(Boiled grass waz the staple diet of Siberian Concentration camps az there waz ne taste to it!)



The city of Kiev torned oot tih be just as bleak as the airport reception and as yi'd expect it was f***** freezin' caad. A road sweeper with an improvised brush made of twigs was sweepin’ the autumn leaves  up into a heap and settin’ them on fire in the middle of the road!

The thing that struck me the most though, were the amoont of beggars on the streets and one fat roond faced woman in particular near a subway station, waz dressed in rags with a shawl aroond hor heed and she waz holdin’ a baaby under hor left  arm, with a beggin’ bowl in hor right hand and sayin’ sommik in Russian, which, (usin’ my vast knowledge of international languages!)---(Er!-fluent Geordie & broken English!)  aa deciphered to be----“HAVE YI GOT ANY SPARE BIT, HINNY!?”



Most of the few cars were the standard 'Trabent rust buckets', the busses looked like the ones yi’d normally see in a scrapyard and nearly aall  the locals were waalkin' aboot in Cossack style hats 'n' shabby sheepskin coats. (most of which looked aboot twenty years aad!)

The amazin' thing when wih went on the 'hoy' was that there were quite a few cafe style bars with customers sittin' oot in the open with the temperature bearly above freezin' point.

(Definitely another place that yih could send yih mother 'n' law for hor summer holidays!)



As wih waalked the streets wih came across the Ukranian equivelent of 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' with the logo of the gadgie in specs and white beard on the front! and what I assume was K.F.C. written in Russian? (sommik like! â„Ķ ± !)

There were massive queues tih get in and it was hardly surprizin' as the rest of the scran shops looked a bit 'dodgy' tih say the least. We were 'Hank Marvin' by nuw, so wih (wisely!) decided tih get some 'Desperate Dan' there before headin' for the stadium which was in the city centre.



In a boozer near the 100,000 capacity stadium we bumped into ‘Bill Quay Kev’ who waz sittin’ at a table with a very large vodka in front of him!

“IT’S BEAUTIFUL ‘FINK’---BEAUTIFUL!”, he said to me, slurrin’ hiz words az he stared at the FULL pint glass! (I kid yoo not!)

“THERE’S NE OPTIC MEASURES HERE!”---“THEY JUST POUR IT FROM THE BOTTLE!”, he added az he gulped some more doon hiz ‘Gregory Peck’!



Anotha trip to the bar for Kev saw the barman pour him anotha vodka cocktail and indeed he did pour aboot half a pint of the stuff into the glass before addin’ some coke and ice!

After a few BEERS with Kev (there waz NE WAY aa waz gannih be ‘comotosed’ like him before the game!) we said wor goodbyes az he sat at the table lookin’ absoluteleee ‘cattle trucked’ with the drink!

Then a while later and half an hour before kick off, aa lost the rest of the lads in the crowds outside and had to mek mee aan way to the huge stadium, which had fower massive floodlights with aboot a hundred bulbs in each one! and aall the tornstile entrance signs were in Russian!, which of course aa couldn’t understand!



To be honest aa was a bit p*st meesel and with time getting’ on aa panicked that aa would miss the start and just went with the flo of the crowd to the nearest entrance.

A gadgie mumbled sommik in Russian and tore the ticket stub off and aa waz in the ground.

There were ne tool sheds az such and if yi wanted a ‘gypsies’ yi had ti gan behind some trees on the concourse to get a slash!

Hundreds were standin’ there in a row with their w*llies hangin’ oot, az ‘the secret police dibbles’ looked on! (f**kin’ perverts!)



It waz then onto the steep terraces where broken wooden benches aligned them az far az the eye could see!---Aa looked to see if aa could get to the ‘Toon End’ of the stadium but aa waz on the highest level and the pocket of Toon fans were below in a paddock on the opposite side of the pitch, which waz impossible to get te from where aa waz!



Aa thought aboot askin one of the ‘secret police dibbles’ who were smokin’ tabs in the alleyways, if aa could get to the Toon section, but had second thoughts az they MIGHT just hoy me oot instead and a’d miss the match!---so aa stayed put and kept ‘dumb’ and plonked meesel doon on one of the broken benches with 99,600 screamin’ Ukrainians in every direction aroond iz! (help!)



Many fans were drinkin’ beer in their seats which they’d bought from the kiosks in the concourses---a strange sight which of course isn’t allowed back home!

Just before the match kicked off an ugly woman with a wart on the end of hor nose and wearin’ a heedscarf , came up to me and looked at the seat and said sommik in Russian to me. Thinkin’ she waz tellin’ me that aa waz sittin’ in hor seat aa said sommik in gibberish so az not to give the game away and just shrugged mee shoulders, az she looked on in puzzlement!



She than waalked off cursin’ sommik under hor breath and (thankfully!) went somewhere else!---Phew!---it waz a close caall—but a’d gettin’ away with it!



The game kick off and Kiev started off the brightest and took the lead after just fower minutes when Shay Given waz beaten by Redrov to put the home side one up!

This resulted in the entire crowd jumpin’ up and celebratin’ wildly!---apart from me!---Who just stood there with arms folded, hopin’ that nebody would ‘suss me oot’!?



At aboot the midpoint of the half it waz 2-0 to Kiev when a mistake by Darren Peackock let in Shevchenko who fired in from a tight angle. (More celebrations from the locals and more arm foldin’ from me!)



We picked up the pace a bit in the second half and then with just 12 minutes to gan when a weak shot from John Beresford went through the legs of the Kiev keeper to give us hope of a comeback!

Again aa stood with arms folded, but under baited breath aa was sayin’---“gerrin gerrin!”



And then within seven minutes we were level when ‘savior’ Beresford struck a fine shot which richoshaded off Kiev defender Golovko’s boot and ower the keepers heed to send the small pocket of Toon Army travellers on the other side of the pitch crazy!

Aa tried not to react, but aa had a huge smile on mee face  and then aa got a tap on the shoulder from behind off a Kiev fan who said in broken English---“Yoo Newcastle?”  Aa hesitated for a second but realised a’d ‘been rumbled’----“YES!” aa said sheepishly and unbelieviblee he handed me a pint of beer to drink and shook mee hand!

At last!---“WELCOME TO KIEV!”

But hang on a minute!---wot if he waz a two faced b*****d and had hockled in the beer?

The broon stuff DID look a little too frothy after aall!?---So aa tipped the contents doon a crack in the concrete terraces!--- Aa wasn’t takin’ ANY chances! (hope there waz nebody sittin’ below!???)(ha!-ha!)



A few minutes later the ref blew for full time and we’d got a valuable point to show for it and aa made me way incognito to the nearest exit!



After the match it waz back to a meetin’ point in the main square where we had time for a few ‘liquid refreshments before climbin’ back onto the bus to take us back to Kiev airport and another meetin’ with ‘the secret police dibbles’!



‘Bill Quay Kev’ waz there (Bill Quay iz a village on the banks ‘o’ the Tyne near Pelaw!) and he looked absolutlee knackered with the drink!---“I’M DEVESTATED, FINK!”, he said to me—“AA DIDN’T GET IN ‘TIL HALF TIME AND THEN AA FELL ASLEEP AND MISSED THE MATCH!”---he added az he held his heed in hiz hands! (the demon drink had taken it’s toll!)---

AALL THAT WAY!---TO MISS THE MATCH!!!!



It waz then back on the plane afta anotha two hour or so wait (to let the Toon players ‘jump the queue’ and board their flight yem!) and fower and a half hours later wor ‘day trip to Kiev’ waz complete! 



A memorable day aall roond! (apart from ‘Bill Quay Kev’ that iz!---AALL THAT WAY FOR NOWT!)



Footnote: On mee next visit to Kiev five years later aa actually went in the AWAY END for a change and my claim to fame iz!---a’m the ANLY Toon fan to have been in the Dynamo Kiev HOME AND AWAY END!

It shud aalso be noted that there were NE beggars to be seen on the streets on wor second visit!?---perhaps they were sent to the salt mines!?



©Fink™ (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

Tuesday, 22 May 2018

RAFA STAYS!😊***FOR THE TIME BEING!ðŸ˜Ļ

Posted '4:10pm bells' Tuesday 22nd May 2018

For the benefit of wor thooosands of owerseas reeeders!

The back page of today's 'Ronny-Gill'!

Updated Wednesday
Rafa haz since said that he is STILL to speak to wor owner since the end of the season and iz instead in talks with wor MD known az 'Penfold' to Toon fans!

Sunday, 20 May 2018

HONG KONG PHOOEY!

Posted '10:50am bells' Sunday 20th May 2018
Updated 'high noon bells' Munday

"7 HEAVEN!"

NUFC U21s have reached the final of The Hong Kong Soccer 7s tournament in, "er!", Hong Kong!
We beat Japanese side Kashima Antlers 7-6 in a penalty shoot out in the qwaataa finals and beat Lestaa City in the semis 4-3 with Callum Roberts gettin the 'golden goal' to win it!

We play Rangers in the final sometime today at Hong Kong FCs 'Happy Valley' groond and yoo can rest assured that The Geordie Times will be last to bring yoo the result of that one!
Lets hope its a 'happy' outcome for The Toon!?

Az per usual "Watch this space!" (eventually!)

Updated Munday @ 'high noon bells'

The Toon won the final by beatin Rangers 1-0 at the (very) Happy Valley stadium in Hong Kong!
Callum Roberts woz wor hero again az he scored the anly goal of the game in added time to bring some silverware back to Tyneside!

Well done lads!

Saturday, 19 May 2018

SELF INFLICKED WOUNDS!

Posted '12:55pm bells' Saturday 19th May 2018
THE BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY-GILL'!

A MESSAGE TO WOR ABSENT OWNER!

If ever there woz a reason to tie Rafa to the managers chair St James' Park, then its the fact that if we divvint, we could end up back in The Championship!

In desperation, wor 'beloved'? owner ploughed £15 million of hiz own money (az a loan!) to ensure promotion at the forst attempt!

Had he given that £15 million when we were in The Premyaa Leegue the last time, we might have avoided the dreaded 'drop' and catastrophic <(we naa aall the big words!) 'drop' of income in the 2nd flight!

Instead, we had to get by with inferior managers and get players on 'the cheap' or on loan---and this ultimately cost us in the end! (In more ways than one!)

These were self inflicted wounds by wor owner and the frightenin' news  iz, that if we HADN'T won promotion at the forst attempt, we could have ended up in receivership or worse! (Just look what's happened doon the road!)

Pleeze! Pleeze! divvint make the same misstakes again and give Rafa the funds he needs to move wor great club forward!

Anything else iz unfinkable!

Friday, 18 May 2018

A STAGGERIN' £90,900,000 LOSS FOR BEIN' RELEGATED!

Posted '4:10pm bells' Friday 18th May 2018
The MD's office, SJP

If ever there woz a reason for keepin' Rafa Benitez az manager, it iz the fact that wor relegation in 2016 to The Championship put us ower £90 MILLION QUID in debt, it haz been reported!

The staggerin' difference between The Premyaa Leegue 'gravy train' and The Championship 'lumpy gravy boat', haz been reveeeled by wor MD, known az 'Penfold' to Toon fans!

This woz due to high wages, vastly reduced TV revenue and prize money and turnower woz doon from £125.8 million to £85.7 million!

This woz despite average gates of 51,108 az well!

50,000 fans who regulary gan, plus anotha million or so who watch from afar, KNOW that its imperative that we keep Rafa, or else it will 'aall unravel' yet again and we will end up with some 'toss-pot' in charge like Joke Kinnear!(God forbid!)

Wor beloved owner, known 'affectionately'? az 'The Fat Controller' to Toon fans!, seems to be the anly one who can't see the consequences, should we gan doon again!

One piece of good news iz that West Ham are seemingly after Pellegrini instead of Rafa az their forst choice for new manager now, to replace 'Misery Guts Moyes'!

Lets hope so for aall wor sakes!

"Are yoo readin' this 'Fat Controller'!?"

Thursday, 17 May 2018

'JELLIED EELS MOB' AFTER RAFA!

Posted '1:11pm bells' Thorsday 17th May 2018
"THE OWNERS OFFICE, SOMEWHERE
WITHIN THE BOWELS OF ST. JAMES' PARK!"

News that 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham are tryin to 'tap up' Rafa to be their new manager after sackin 'Misery Guts Moyes', haz finally reached 'The Geordie Times'! (1 day late via carrier pigeon!)

3 weeks of negotiations between the NUFC hierarchy and Rafa aboot funds available are STILL on gannin?

How the hell it takes 3 weeks to say: "Yes you can have the funds!" OR! "No you cant!", iz beyond us!

We shall surely find oot by the end of this month, no doubt, one way or the other!

NUFC are playin a game of 'Russian roulette' (again!) with Rafa!

We await the outcome with trepidation!ðŸ˜Ļ


Wednesday, 16 May 2018

"NO GO FOR JONJO!---OR JAMAAL!"

Posted '3:00pm bells' Wednesday 16th May 2018


"RUSHAA WHERE ARE YOU!?"


Az expected Jonjo Shelvey and Jamaal Lascelles have been snubbed by Gareth Southgate for Ing-er-land's World Cup 23 man squad for Rushaa!

Selfishly, Ing-er-land's loss iz actually a plus point for 'The Toon' az they cannit get injured watchin it on the telly! (Can they?)

Southgate iz yet anothaa failed manager, havin' been sacked by 'The Smoggies' from Middlesbrough not so lang ago!
He got them relegated in 2008, and finally jettisoned by them in 2009, after a run of just 1 win in 18 in The Championship!
--And so therefore he iz perfectly qualified for the Ing-er-land job and to bore us to death, with hiz negative futbaall tactics!  "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"ðŸ˜ī

We will fail miserably again anyway, so mebeez its a blessin in disguise that they won't be gannin!

FAT SAM THE UGLY MAN CARRIES THE CAN!

Posted '1:00pm bells' Wednesday 16th May 2018

Formaa Toon and SMB manager 'Fat Sam the Ugly Man' haz been sacked yet again, this time by Evaatin aftaa just 7 months in charge!
Hiz borin' sterile futbaall would send anybody to sleep!
"ZZZZzzzz!!!!"

He will of course get anothaa bumper payoot, said to be in region of £6 million quid this time!

Not bad for a failed manager who haz won "F*** aall" at the numerous clubs he haz managed! (The nearest he haz come to a major trophy iz a Leegue Cup final DEFEAT to 'The Smoggies', when he woz manager at Bolton!) 

And contrary to populat belief he HAZ been relegated az a manager ---with Notts Coonty in 1997!

He iz laughin' aall the way to the bank yet again!
Who's next? we ask worsels!

WELL!  Its just been annoonced that 'Misery Guts Moyes' who failed miserably at the SMBs haz been sacked by West Ham, again, after just 7 months in charge!

Aalso, its reported that alang with 'Fat Sam', anothaa one of wor failed managers haz LANDED a job at QPR---Namely <'The Wally with the Brolly'!


The managerial merry-go-round just gans on and on!---and on!ðŸ˜Ļ

Tuesday, 15 May 2018

PREMYAA LEEGUE RICH LIST & TELLY GAMES!

Posted '1:53pm bells' Tuesday 15th May 2018


The prize money for Premyaa Leegue clubs haz been announced.
The totals include final position and TV money earned last season.
NUFC were live on 'the box' 18 times!

Despite winnin the Premyaa Leegue by a record margin, Man City are behind Man U az more of their games were televised!
The Toon finished 10th but because we had more TV games than Bornley (7) and Lestaa (12) we are in 8th position in 'the rich list'!

PREMYAA LEEGUE LIVE TELLY GAMES 2017-2018  
£1.3 million for each televised game!

=1 Man U  28 live games shown
=1 L/pool  28
=1 The Arse  28
=4 Man C  26
=4 Chelski  26
6 Sporz  25
7 Evaatin  19
8 NUFC  18
=9 WHU  17
=9 H/field  17
11 Soton  16
12 Brightin  13
=13 Lestaa  12
=13 Palace  12 
=13 Stoke  12
16 B/moooth  11
=17 Wotfaad  10
=17 Swanzee  10
19 WBA  9
20 Bornley  7 

THE RICH LIST 2017-2018

1 Man U £153,612,000
2 Man C £153,230,000
3 L/pool £149,737,000
4 Sporz £148,069,000
5 The Arse £145,279,525
6 Chelski £145,279,321
7 Evaatin £131,020,000
8 NUFC £125,860,000
9 Bornley £122,343,000
10 Lestaa £120,738,000
11 WHU £118,711,000
12 Palace £116,762,000
13 B/moooth £113,589
14 Brightin £109,996
15 Soton £109,575,000
16 Wotfaad £108,429,000
17 H/field £104,453,000
18 Stoke £100,872,000
19 Swanzee £100,477,000
20 WBA £96,490,000

In complete contrast clubs in The Championship aall get an equal share of their prize money (ie: Champions Wolves get the same az bottom club sund'lind)
Thats £4,300,000 each!
So Wolves actually get £92,000,000 less than WBA who finished bottom of The Premyaa Leegue!
Championship clubs get £100,000 for each televised game!

The SMBs prize money next season in Leegue 1 will be!---£732,000!
Leegue 1 clubs get £30,000 for each televised game!

THAT'S a difference of £1,270,000 between a televised Premier Leegue game and a televised Leegue 1 game!ðŸ˜Ļ


Monday, 14 May 2018

THE TOON 3 CHELSKI 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Munday 15th May 2018 and will be updated periodically! <(we naa aall the big words!)
THE BANNER SAYS: 'WHERE THERE IS UNITY---THERE IS ALWAYS VICTORY!'

"RAFA BENITEZ---WE WANT YOO TO STAY!"

A tremendous performance from the 'black n whites' gave us the 3 points against the 2017 champions of 'Ing-er-land' in a thouroughly enjoyable afternooon in the sun!

The 3-0 scoreline meenz that we finish the season at 'the right end' of the table in 10th place!

It woz obvious 'from the off' that this woz to be 'wor day' az we pounded the Leazes goal with numerous shots, az the Chelski keeper Courtios complained to hiz defence that he woz havin a torrid time az he tried to stem the tide!


The forst goal came in the 23rd minute when Murphy challenged Courtios and he punched the baall into the air and Dwight Gayle said "Thank you very much!" az he heeded it into an empty net to send the shirt sleeved crowd into raptures!

Jonjo Shelvey then sent in a pile driver of a shot which Courtios did well to save and we went in deservedly 1-0 up at the break!

Again, in the 2nd half we came oot 'with aall guns blazin' and the main moment of the half came when Chelski's 'scorpian kicker' Giroud fired an unauthodox shot with hiz heel, which Dubravka tipped ower the bar to prevent the equaliser!  An absolutlee brilliant save!


Moments later the baall woz at the Gallowgate End of the pitch where Shelvey shot through a group of players and Perez managed to divert the baall slightly and past the hapless Chelski keeper! 2-0!

Just 4 minutes later in the 63rd minute a Lejeune cross foond Perez who woz virtually on the goal line and he flicked it in to complete 'the icing on the cake'!

Fans sang Rafa's name in unison! "RAFA BENITEZ,WE WANT YOO TO STAY!"
A great end to the season and the anly question left--IZ!--will Rafa stay?
Only one person can answer that question, by givin' him the funds to compete at the highest level!
And indeed, wor beloved owner haz made the follow statement, which iz front page news in today's 'Ronny-Gill'!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Lejuene, Dummett, Ritchie (Hayden 72), Diame (Haidara 87), Shelvey, Murphy, Perez, Gayle (Joselu 48)

Attendance: 52,252 (3,200 fed up "Landaners!")
*

After the match we heeded for various 'liquid lubrication locations' where we celebrated wor 'Top 10' finish and watched the Leegue 1 play off game between Shrewsbury and Charlton. Shrewsbury won and are in the final where they will play eetha Scunthorpe or Rotherham for a place in the leegue ABOVE sund'lind!  😀😁😂😃😄😅😆

                             ☺😊😀😁😂😃😄😅

Sunday, 13 May 2018

THE BAD BLUE BOYS OF DUNSTON 1 THE BISHOPS OF AUCKLAND 0 *** NORTHERN LEEGUE CUP FINAL

Posted '9:45am bells' Sunday 13th May 2018

"BAD BLUE BOYS BASH THE BISHOPS!"

With ne Toon game til today, we heeded for the delights of Consett high up in the moontains of Coonty Durham where Dunston were playin Bishop Auckland in the final of The Northern Leegue Cup!

The great thing aboot non leegue at this level iz that yoo get the chance to teavel on the team bus with the team at the back with their 'ghetto blasters' and the fans and commitee men at the front!
Half an hour after leevin Dunston and we were at the Belle Vue groond, but unfortunatly there were that many cars cloggin up the entry to the groond that the driver woz forced to park up on the main road az there wiz ne room for a large bus to pass!

Anyway! Off we got and the Dunston players heeded for the dressin rooms while the fans heeded for the packed clubhoose!

Anothaa game woz takin place on the plastic pitch, where the Northern Leegue 2nd Division Cup final woz takin place before wors! (The 1st Division final)
Chester-Le-Street won that one 2-0 by beatin Ryton and Crawcrook to lift the cup!

There woz a Leegue 1 play off game on the telly between Scunthorpe and Rotherham for a place in the leegue ABOVE sund'lind! ☺😊😀😁😂


After several 'liquid lubrications' it woz time to heed for the pitchside, but the forst half woz a bit scrappy and the teams came off 0-0 at the break!

The Bad Blue Boys (who were wearin red az Bishops aalso play in blue) came oot with aall guns blazin in the 2nd period, but it still remained goalless, despite both sides missin easy chances and it looked az though it would gan to extra time and penalties!
PENALTY SAVE!

However!  Dunston had othaa ideas and just after Bishops had missed an easy chance with the goal gapin' the baall woz played upfield and it eventually foond Dunston captain Dale Burrell, who unleashed an unstoppable shot to the left of keeper Young to put The Bad Blue Boys in front with just 14 minutes left on the clock!

Just a minute later Dunston had the chance to double their lead when they were awarded a penalty!
Fitzpatrick took it but Young dived to hiz right and saved it!

It mattered not though, az Dale's goal proved to be the winner and they lifted the cup in front of their ecstatic fans (includin me!) and celebratory drinks were consumed in the clubhoose after the game!

The cup 'sat' in the front seat of the bus on the jorney back to Dunston and 'little old me' had the 'honour' of carryin it back into the Dunston clubhoose! (It weighed a ton!)

HAPPY DAYS!😊

Attendance: not known, but 500 or so iz wor guess!
*

Saturday, 12 May 2018

THE TOON v CHELSKI *** SUNDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 12th May 2018
 THE PANORAMIC VIEW FROM THE MILBURN STAND
LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE NORTH SEA, 8 MILES AWAY!

On Sunday we play wor last game of the season which iz at home to Chelski!
The target iz a top 10 finish, but wor recent upsurge haz went 'off the rails' with 4 defeats on the bounce after 4 wins on the bounce!
A win would guarantee 10th place, but anything else and we will surely drop doon the table, az there are 4 clubs on 41 points--but NUFC have the best goal difference of them aall!

Chelski on the othaa hand are chasin' a Champions Leegue place, but its oot of their hands if Liverpool win to claim the 4th slot!

This will be wor 41st competitive game of the season, which equals the lowest total we have had since the 38 game Premier Leegue came into force!
That's 38 plus 2 in the FA Cup and 1 in the Leegue Cup! (We anly played 41 games 2 seasons ago az well!)

The BIG question on everybody's lips---iz!---WILL Rafa stay OR WILL he gan!----It aall depends on one person of course, who hardy attends any games at aall theeze days!
We await with baited breath for the outcome of the talks---we will surely find oot before the month ends!
Lets hope (and pray!) that it's a good outcome!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Munday!

Meeenwhile!  Az we have yet anothaa free Saturday, we are off to sunny Consett where The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston are takin on The Bishops of Auckland in The Northern Leegue Cup final at 3 bells!
V


A match report on that game to follow later!ðŸ˜Ļ

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