Sunday, 23 September 2018

CRISTIL PALISS 0 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '11:00am bells' Sunday 23rd September 2018

"THE UNTERTAINERS!"

The jorney doon woz uneventful and we arrived at wor destination---The Portland Arms boozer, which woz a 25 minute waalk from the groond.

Az it woz quiet and fairly cheap by London standards (£4 a pint), we decided to stop there for 'the duration' and after several liquid lubrications we heeded to the nearest bus stop az it woz 'chuckin it doon' by this time!

We waited ages for the bus and it eventually torned up, but didnt gan past Palace's groond az advertised, so we still had a canny hike to get there when we alighted (we naa aall the big words!) so we still got soaked!

Anyway! We entered the away end and aa hord one of fans say that The Fat Controller woz there which sent the Toon contingent into chants against him az the game kicked off!
The chanting woz loud and ear-piercing!

The game, predicably woz borin to say the least az both teams struggled to put 2 passes together az Rondon and Shelvey made an appearance at last!

The view from row 33 woz terrible and we couldnt see the far corner of the pitch az the rake of the terracin iz too shallow! (And I'm 6 foot taall!) ---the worst groond in the Premyaa Leegue for viewin--for certain!
"SPOT THE CORNER FLAG!"

The forst half ended 0-0 az both sides will surely be in 'the mire' with performces like this! "ZZZZZzzzzz!"😴

Rondon didnt reappear for the 2nd half with Joselu replacin him, az we again struggled to produce anything positive!

It woz the 'same old'-'same old' story though, az we watched on!
20 odd years ago we were known az 'The Entertainers', now we are the exact opposite!---'The Untertainers'!😨

The chantin against wor beloved owner? then got nastier, when some fans chanted that they wished that he woz dead!

A bottle woz aalso thrown onto the pitch near the end by one of wor idiots, which hit one of their players az the game petered oot into a torturous goal-less draw!

Amazingly we climbed one place up the table to 18th, but we will have to do much better to climb higher!

Anothaa one to forget I'm afraid and we got drenched in the pourin rain on wor way back to Selhurst train station!

A few gargels in Euston after the game followed, before we caught the '8 bells' train from King's Cross.

It woz due back at 'The Central' at '11 bells' but woz 28 minutes late, which meant aa missed mee last bus yem and had to flag a taxi doon at an extra cost of £10!--just to round off anothaa torturous and 'untertainin'  away trip! (If the train had been 30 mins late I would have got half mee money back on the ticket!--- sods law!😨)

Team line up and more pix to follow later az a'm off on 'the hoy' in the next few minutes!




Friday, 21 September 2018

CRISTIL PALISS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '1:33pm bells' Friday 21st September 2018

Orly tomorrow mornin' we heed for the 'delights'? of "sarf Landan" where we take on Critstil Paliss at Selhorst Park in wot haz become a "must get sommik" game, after 6 winless competitive games!

The omens however!--- ARE on wor side, az we have anly lost once there against them, since 1983-1984 in the 9 games played! (won 6, drawn 2, lost 1)

WE have nee idea if Jonjo Shelvey or Salomon Rondon will be in the startin line up, but lets look on the positive side for once this season and hopefully we will put up a good show and get a result!
Wor allocation of 2,900 tickets have finally sold oot---but not til they went on general sale--which shows the disillusionment among wor away followin' at the moment!

On another subject---we had to have a wry smile when we hord that anly 40,000 could be bothered to attend Man City's Champions Leegue tie v Lyon on Wedinzday neet!
2 very old and arrogant 'City' fans took the p**s oot of us before wor game there a fortneet ago, singin', "You've got Mike Ashley you should have had ours!" (the sheiks!) 

They lost 2-1 to Lyon in a shock result and aa couldn't help wunderin' if these smug bustards were part of the miserable 'atmosphere free' crowd at 'The Emptyhad', or if they decided to watch it on the telly like the 13,000 fair weather fans who didn't fill the empty seats, like they did when they played us (attendance: 53,000)
Az the old sayin gans: "Wot gans aroond comes aroond!" 
CAN YOO SPOT THE MAN CITY FANS 
DISGUISED AZ EMPTY BLUE SEATS!?

*An archive match report on mee forst ever visit to Selhurst Park 48 years ago in August 1970 iz printed below this article 

(ground number 14)

A full match and 'away pub crawl' report on tomorrow's game will appear here on Sunday (sometime) az per usual!


014 selhurst park crystal palace


(GROUND NUMBER 14)



Date of First Visit: 22nd AUGUST 1970

SELHURST PARK, LONDON


CRYSTAL PALACE 1 

NEWCASTLE UNITED 0


(OLD) DIVISION ONE

ATTENDANCE: 27,287 (2,000 Toon fans scattered aboot the ground <(ne segregation in them days!)


 
THE PROGRAMME COVER FROM 1970


"THE CRYSTAL MAZE!"


Meesel, Billy ‘hard case’ Gardner, Dylan and Deka Scott took the midneet ‘sleeper’ doon tih the capital for this one, and we arrived in ‘the big city’ at aboot ‘six bells’.

Skinheeds had just become ‘aall the rage’ and Billy ‘sported’ hiz ‘new image’ with a qwaata inch ‘skin’, complete with a shaved partin’!

He aalso ‘sported’ a size ten pair of ‘Doc Martens’ and waz ‘ready for anythin’!?




With a 'mystical' name like Crystal Palace, ah somehow had 'visions' of Selhurst Park resemblin'---well!---a 'palace'!, fit for a Queen!,------ covered in crystal glass!.



That 'vision'? soon evaporated when ah forst caught sight of the groond!.

The main stand was aboot sixty years aad, and had corrigated sheetin' 'clagged' tih the sides. The stand opposite, accordin' tih the match programme, had just been built, and had claret 'n' blue claddin' at the front. The two ends were open terracin', and the end we were in, had a grass bank tih stand on at the rear!.

(The Queen would NOT! be impressed!) (or amused!)

                                   


This was Palace's 2nd ever season in the top division, and their fans were really 'up for it' as kick off time approached and they were roamin’ the streets around the ground lookin’ for any Toon fans for a fight!---However!---az soon az they seen Billy they changed their minds and scarpered!



The match, as it torned oot, was'nt much tih write home aboot, and the Toon made a 'wobbly start' with John McNamee and Ron Guthrie in particular at the back havin' a bad game.



The 'new kids on the block' from Croydon (where Palace play) took advantage of this and ran oot one-nil winners, with their anly goal comin' in the forst half.



SO!--(very despondently!) wih headed for the station after the 'last rites', and caught the train for the twenty mile journey back tih Kings Cross. (Aye!, London IS a big F***** place!)




But---be warned!---whatever yih dee, divvint gan there by 'jam jar', like ah did a few seasons ago. Because of the traffic, it took us THREE F****** HOURS! tih travel the thirty odd miles tih the groond!, from the end of the 'M1' in north London! -----AND wih got totally lost as well!.



(Which was nearly as lang as it took us, tih travel the 280 miles from Newcastle tih north London!) (The mind boggles!)



The usual guide of 'homin' in' on the floodlight pylons was nee good either, as yih can't see them or the groond, 'til yih practically on top of it!.



It's not signposted, and there are hundreds of side streets tih get lost in!. It's like tryin' tih find ya way through a bloody gigantic maze!, and is without doubt, the hardest groond in the Futbaall League tih find!.

                                           



On another occasion, wih tried tih get a taxi tih Selhurst Park from Kings Cross. It took wih an hour an' a half!, cost the thick end of twenty five 'dustbin lids'!, AND---the taxi driver got f***** lost as well!?.



Nuw---if a 'black cab' driver, who's taken 'The Knowledge' , can't find it, what f***** chance have the rest of wih got???.



Yih could say that tryin' tih find the groond, is like tryin' tih find ya way through a 'Crystal Maze'!--------sic.

                                           


Footnote:

'The Crystal Maze' is (was?) an obscure (and daft!) telly programme on Channel Four, where contestants have tih try and find their way oot of a giant maze!.

                                           

'The Knowledge' is a test that aal London 'cabbies' have tih tek, tih show that they know where every street in London is!.

(Obviously, NOT! includin' the street where Palace play?!)



                                

'


Wednesday, 19 September 2018

IZ THE FAT CONTROLLER'S TRAIN SET COMIN' OFF THE RAILS!?

Posted '2:45pm bells' Wedinzday 19th September 2019

*News that wor 'beloved'??? absent owner haz dropped hiz askin' price to £300 million iz a sign of panic if it iz true?
Wor disastrous start to the new season woz so predicable and even in wor pre season forst team games, we anly won one game v St Patricks Athletic in Dublin! (2-0)

Since this game we are winless in a forthaa 4 pre season games, playin badly in Portugal v Porto (0-0) and Braga (0-4), plus a home defeat to Ausburg of Jawmany (0-1) and a 2-2 draw v Championship side Hull!

The 5 games in the Premyaa Leegue and have produced just one draw  (0-0 v Cardiff) and 4  2-1 defeats in total!
(6 games if you add in the 3-1 defeat to Championship side Forest in the Leegue Cup )

That's 11 games played in total and ONE solitary win against a bunch of Irish part timers!

'The Fat Controller's failure to attend home games for 16 months iz doon to fear of hostile criticism and complete loss of interest in hiz 11 year old 'train-set'!

In other words "It's comin' off the rails!" and It's time to sell up 'mate'? and "Get out of our club!" az the old songs gans! 
(NUFC fans have been singin' it for 10 years now!) 

Like 'The Geordie Times' said yesterday: 
"IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!" 😨 

Tuesday, 18 September 2018

"IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!"

Posted '12:57pm bells' Tuesday 18th September 2018
PROTESTS OOTSIDE THE CLUB SHOP LAST SATURDAY!

News that The Fat Controller iz willin to drop hiz askin' price from £380 million to around £300 million for the sale of NUFC, haz reached The Geordie Times!


Fan protests outside hiz shops (including the club shop!) have been ongannin for sometime now!

The fact that we sit 2nd bottom of The Premyaa Leegue and face losin' oot on next season's gravy train money, shud we gan doon for the thord time under hiz (lack of) leadership, could be the main reasons for a rumoured 'panic' 'flash sale'!

Of course we have hord aall this before ---havvent we?---and we will beleeeve it when it happens!
WOT THE PAPERS SAY!

He iz now hated by the vast majority of wor fan base and the protests will anly get worse the langer he hangs on!  

"IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!" 

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS!---"NEW GROOND!---NEW GROOND!"

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Tuesday 18th September 2018

It haz been conformed that wor resorves U23 Premyaa Leegue cup tie away to Leeds will be played at Nethermoor, the home of non leegue Guisley AFC
This iz joyous news for the mad-sad groundhoppers, amongst aall the doom and gloom of relegation battles involving wor forst team!
😀
The game in Guisley will be played on Munday 25th February 2019 with a '7 bells' kick off time!

*

Monday, 17 September 2018

GROUND ZERO!

Posted '2:05pm bells' Munday 17th September 2018
MAN U***GROUND ZERO!

News that wor away game at 'The Theatre of Muppets' next month iz sold oot, iz hardly a suprize!
But the fact that the loyalty points needed had dropped to ZERO tells yoo aall iz not well with supporters!

Flashback to the 1990s when we had a team to challenge Man U for the title!
Anly 800 tickets were available to Toon fans az Man Us groond woz bein extended and they needed to shut a stand for buildin' work!

I know one fan caalled Dekka who paid a fellow fan £300 for a ticket to get into that game!
Now, lack of interest, or fear of a hiding, haz depleated wor away followin to such an extent that yoo could get a ticket, even if you'd NEVER been to an away game before!
Dekka, by the way, doesnt gan anymore!

On Saturday against 'The Arse', one of my mates who will remain nameless and who hasnt missed a home game for years (includin friendlies) didnt torn up and I woz worried that summik had happened to prevent hiz attendance!

It later transpired that he went to work az a plumber instead, fittin a new boiler into an *'old boiler's hoose, rather than gan to the match! 😨
(*'old boiler' iz Geordie slang for an old woman!)

Another mate who went to every home and away game when we were in The Championship, ISNT gannin to Palace this comin' Saturday!😨

Apathy haz set in I'm afraid, and its aall doon to one man who doesnt gan anymore, namely 'The Fat Controller' who owns and iz ruinin wor great club, but couldnt give 2 monkeys F**** anymore!
CRISTIL PALACE***GROUND ZERO!

Az for myself, I WILL be at Palace, but its gettin to be a right chore to do away games now!
I remember that more than 10,000 travelled to Palace, when Wimbledon ground shared there in the 1990s!
Now we cant sell 3,000 tickets for the same venue! (They are still on sale with zero points needed to buy one!)

A thord relegation in 9 years iz unfinkable to me and aall Toon fans, but iz a very reel possibility once again!
"HELP!"😨

Sunday, 16 September 2018

THE TOON 1 THE ARSE 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '11:33am bells' Sunday 16th September 2018
THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL (1st half)

"THE SAME OLD STORY!"

For the 3rd home game in a row we lost narrowly by 2 goals to 1 to leave us in the bottom 3 of the table!

We started off well az we attacked the Leazes End goal, but yet again, didnt have the finishin power to score!
Rondon and Shelvey were conspicuous by their absence once again, az 'the same old story' unfolded before us!

It woz 0-0 at half time, but it didnt take 'The Arse' lang to score the forst goal from a free kick from 30 yards oot, when Xhaka hit an unstoppable shot past Dubravka in The Toon goal!

10 mins later and it woz 2-0 to "the norf Landaners" when Ozil fired home from 15 yards oot!

Reely there woz nee way back at this point az wor visitors went for a thord goal, az we lost wor shape!

A consolation heeded goal from Ceiran Clark deep into injury time at The Gallowgate End woz too little tooo late, az the ref blew for full time not lang after this!
With just one point oot of 15, this iz wor worst start EVER to a Premyaa Leegue season!😨
ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Another relegation battle iz definatly on again!
'The same old story' under wor absent owners leadership--or lack of it az the case may be!
(16 months now since he last plonked hiz fat 'arsenal' on hiz seat in the directors box!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles (Clark 46), Fernandez, Dummett, Murphy (Kenedy 69), Hayden, Diame, Ritchie (Muto 79), Joselu, Perez

Attendance: 52,165 (3,200 Arseholes in level 7 of The Leazes End)

*Flag pix
TOON FANS PROTEST AGAINST 'THE FAT CONTROLLER' 
OOTSIDE THE CLUB SHOP!
(OF COURSE, HE WASNT HERE TO SEE IT!)

GALLOWGATE FLAGS

LEAZES FLAGGG!




Friday, 14 September 2018

THE TOON v THE ARSE *** TOMORROW AT '3 BELLS'!

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Friday 14th September 2018
St James' Park from
Stanhope Street

We retorn to leegue action after the International break and take on The Arse at SJP in an unusual '3 bells' non televised fixture for the forst time this season!

Hopefully Jonjo Shelvey and Matt Ritchie will be back, in what iz a game we must get sommik oot of to avoid bein' stranded in the bottom 3!

We aall knew that we would struggle after wor tough start, which of course iz entirly doon to one man, who cant be bothered aboot comin to games anymore---an absense streatchin' back to May 2017!
Just 500 tickets remain on sale, so the game looks certain to be a selloot!
In previous years it would have sold oot weeks ago, but apathy haz started to set in, I'm afraid!(Yoo know who to blame!)

We will of course bring yoo, wor loyal subjects, a full match report on Sunday az per usual!
Watch this space for this➡😊---OR---this!➡😨

Thursday, 13 September 2018

SENT TO COVENTRY 2008!

Posted '4:00pm bells' Thorzday 13th September 2018

I have just completed mee archive match report from Coventry in August 2008 when we visited their new Ricoh Arena abode (ground 267)
This meenz that match/booze reports from new groonds visited durin' the last 10 seasons are now complete!
(see below)

ARCHIVE GROUNDS MATCH REPORT LIST