Wednesday, 24 April 2019

ALMIRON AGONY!

Posted '3:00pm bells' Wedinzday 24th April 2019
A DISTRESSED ALMIRON LEAVES THE PITCH ON SATURDAY
FOLLOWING HIZ HAMSTRING INJURY!

Shock news that wor record signin' Miguel Almiron iz oot for the rest of the season, followin' a hamstring injury durin' the 2nd half of the 3-1 win ower Sooothampton, haz reached The Geordie Times a day late!

It's just az well that we are safe from 'the drop' az he haz been an influential figure in wor successful bid to stay up!

Remember!  The Geordie Times brings yoo the news second hand first! (or iz that 'first hand second'😕?)

"IT'S A KLOPP-OUT FARCE!"

Posted '1:39pm bells' Wedinzday 24th April 2019

News that The Liverbirds manager Jurgen Klopp has influenced the kick off time for their game against NUFC at SJP on Saturday 4th May haz reached The Geordie Times!

Accordin to The Liverpoool Echo, this iz what he said!




It's a kick off time that nee Toon fan wants and it's an absolute joke that he can influence The Premyaa Leegue hierarchy in this way!
THE BREAKING NEWS THAT WASN'T TRUE!

Apparently, Klopp wasn't happy when SKY annoonced last Saturday dinnaatime that the kick off would be at '12:30 bells' on May 4th---and after consultation with The Premyaa Leegue----and by the time wor game had finished last Saturday neet against Sooothampton---the Liverpoool game had been moved yet again to '7:45 bells'!!!

Liverpoool are in action against Barcelona in The Champoins Leegue semi final (1st leg) THREE days before they are due to play us and THREE days after in the 2nd leg!

The game haz now been moved FOWER (4) TIMES!
From '3 bells' on Saturday 4th May to '4:30 bells' on Sunday 5th May----and then back to Saturday 4th May at '12:30 bells'----and then forward to Saturday 4th May at '7:45 bells'!!!!

Many fans like 'Colonel Gadaffi' (the one from Bracknell in Berkshire--and NOT the one from Tripoli in Libya!) booked trains when they forst annoonced the game had been moved to the Sunday for live telly!
He then re-booked on hiz mobile phone straight away, when SKY announced the '12:30 bells' Saturday kick off---so he could gan back on the '6:00pm bells' train to London----anly to find oot after the Sooothampton game that he would miss the Liverpoool game aaltogether if he didn't re-book again!
(Which he haz at great expense!)

Loyal fans shafted again for the whims of SKY, The Premyaa Leegue, and Jurgen Klopp!

MEEENWHILE!
Tickets for the game will belatedly gan on sale on THORSDAY to NUFC MEMBERS ANLY!
Az there iz a small possibility that The Liverbirds could win the title at 'wor place', fans are warned NOT to sell on tickets to Liverpoool fans or else they will LOSE THEIR SEASON TICKETS!  Any away fan foond in the home areas WILL be ejected from the ground!

If that's the case then expect The Toon to be swamped by 20,000 or so Scousers, who, like Toon fans, will have been drinkin aall day, which iz a recipe for disaster! (Lets hope that they CANNIT win the title on May 4th!)
PS: A'm honestly not bothered just who wins the Leegue---az lang az it isn't on that date!

Tuesday, 23 April 2019

LEEEDZ U23s 0 THE TOON U23s 3 *** FA PREMYAA LEEGUE CUP SEMI FINAL

Posted '10:00pm bells' Tuesday 23rd April 2019


A great win for wor U23s to reach the final.
The goals were scored by Watts from the penalty spot, Roberts and Sorenson!   Aall the goals came in the 2nd half!
Pix from Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer!
The Toon are in wor change maroon and blue hooped shirts
The crowd woz given az 3,051 but apparently these were tickets sold and the attendance looked much less-----nevertheless this iz a record crowd for Nethermoor Park by ower 500



The Toon will meet eethaa Swanzee or Evertin in the final which will be a 'one off' game on one of the finalists home groond.
A draw will take place to determine who hosts the final which will take place sometime in mid/late May
*The Swanzee v Evertin semi final doesn't take place til 4th May
But it WILL be played at The Liberty Stadium and NOT their Landore Trainin' groond


"IT'S BEEN A VERY HAPPY EASTER INDEED!"

Posted '1:20pm bells' Tuesday 23rd April 2019 (St. Ge😊rge's Day) (The patron saint of Ing-er-land)




With The Toon securin' wor Premyaa Leegue survival ower the Easter weekend it haz been a very happy Easter indeed!
Ayoze Perez'z hat-trick in the 3-1 win ower Sooothampton on Saturday and Cardiff's 2-0 defeat to Liverpoool on Sunday meant that we couldn't be relegated!

Add in the fact that the SMBs 'f***** it up' 'big style' in their bid for automatic promotion from 'The Mickey Mouse Leegue One' on Easter Munday at Peetaaborough, (by concedin' a goal in stoppage time!), made it a great weekend for aall NUFC fans!

It remains to be seen wot happens against that 'thorn in their side', Portsmoooth FC next Saturday! ("Play up Pompey!")

On the same day NUFC travel to Brightin (or Falmer, 6 miles away, to be exact!) az they suffer relegation jitters, just above the drop zone!
There are now just 3 teams fightin to avoid the 3rd relegation place:
Cardiff, Sooothampton and of course Brightin

MEEENWHILE!--tooneet wor U23s side travel to Guiseley in west Yorkshire where we take on Leeedz U23s in the Premyaa Leegue Cup semi final!
Amazingly the game iz a complete aall ticket selloot and aa had a look at Guiseley's website, which says the groonds capacity is 4,000, while the record crowd at Nethermoor Park iz  2,486, which iz sure to be broken tooneet!
Leeedz are on 'a downer' az we speak az their 1st team lost 2-0 at Brentfaad yesterday, meenin' that automatic promotion back to The Premyaa Leegue iz out of their hands with just 2 games to play!

We were at Guiseley just 2 months ago (when we lost 3-1!) and az the game iz a selloot with nee cash tornstiles, many of 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' wont be there to see if we can reach the final (see ground 338 for a match report on that game) 
'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', who haz managed to get hiz hand on a 'prized ticket', will be there tooneet , however, to represent 'The Geordie Times' (Aalso present wil be Dave from York and Alex of *St George (very appropriate on St George's day)
*Middleton St George near Teesside Airport!
  
A match report on tooneets game will be published tomorrow!

Monday, 22 April 2019

"WHEN WILL HE EVER LEARN?"

Posted '1:40pm bells' Easter Munday 22nd April 2019


With relegation to the 'abyss' now not possible because of Cardiff's 2-0 defeat to Liverpoool yesterday, thoughts torn to Rafa Benítez'z new contract take president!
It's seems to us that wor beloved? absent owner (he wasn't there again on Saturday!) 'The Fat Controller' iz the anly one who can't see the potential of this great club!

The fans are sick to death of fightin relegation or promotion battles season after season, when we shud be challengin' for a Europa Leegue place at least!
We know we cant compete with the so caalled 'big six' at the moment, but surely we can be a club that competes for one of the 'cups' at least!

Wor FA Cup record under wor absent owners leadership (or lack of it!) iz truly shockin', az we have NEVER got past the month of January in the competition since he took the reigns in 2007!---The same can be said for The Leegue Cup where we aalways eXit before Xmas!---that's THORTEEN (13) YEARS since we made February in one of the cups (v Cheltenham in 2006)

Failure to secure Rafa's contract before June 30th, when it runs oot, will be unforgivable and a downward spiral will aalmost certainly follow if we appoint yet another 'yes man' manager to replace Rafa! 

Of course there iz a smaall chance that 'The Fat Controller' will 'sell up', but just like a broken record that keeps repeatin' the same line of the same song, we've hord aall this before!----we've hord aall this before!---we've hord ---- ---- ------!

Sunday, 21 April 2019

THE TOON 3 THE SIMON TEMPLAR MOB 1 **** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '11:01am bells' Sunday 21st April 2019
Updated '9:00pm bells'
"GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!"
PEREZ (centre) HEEDS HOME FOR HIZ HAT-TRICK


"PEREZ PERFECTION!"

A supurb hat-trick by Ayoze Perez sealed a gre5at 3-1 victory at St. James' Park yesterday evenin'!

The game started off in brilliant sunshine and it woz a bit norvy in the orly stages with Sooothampton gannin close a couple of times az they attacked The Leazes End.

The tornin' point of the game came not lang after when Almiron woz blatently blocked by Prowse az he ran like a whippet doon the wing!---RED CARD?---NO! The ref gave Prowse a 'yellow one' instead much to the disgust of players, fans and the Toon dugout, where one of wor coachin' staff woz shown hiz own 'red card' for the protest and woz sent to the stand!

This fired the team and crowd up and not lang after a great cross from Rondon foond Perez who had ran a hundred yards to get a foot on the end of the baall and hit it across the goal and in off the far post at The Gallowgate End, to send the Toon faithful wild with delight!---JUSTICE!


3 mins later he got hiz 2nd when he got on the end of a baall in a similar position to fire home with the Sooothampton keeper well beaten!
There were more chances, but Rondon in particular, couldn't add to wor lead az hiz shot woz blocked inside the box!---2-0 half time!
THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (1st half)

We started very norvy in the 2nd period and were 'aall at sea' for the orly period, when disaster struck when Lemina hit a great shot past Dubravka in the Toon goal!

*'The Simon Templar Mob' then nearly equalised when Yoshida hit a shot ower the bar when it looked easier to score!----the nails were getting bitten and the hair pulled oot at this stage!

Ki then hit a great shot against the post at The Leazes End, but hiz shot rebounded back into play, rather than the back of the net!
ANOTHER VIEW OF PEREZ'Z HAT-TRICK GOAL!

However!---Perez had the last say when a heeder from a Sooothampton defender foond the heed of Matt Ritchie in the box.
Richie heeded the baall towards the goal and Perez got on to the end of it to heed past their keeper to seal hiz hat-trick and the 3 vital points to move us up to 12th in the table with 41 points----surely enough for safety now!
Rondon had a couple of more efforts saved az we ran the clock doon to claim the victory!

Defeat by Cardiff today against The Liverbirds will meen that we are definitely safe from 'the drop'
HAPPY TOON FANS STREAM UNDER THE CHINESE ARCH AFTER THE GAME!

*The Simon Templar Mob---an explanation: Simon Templar woz the star character of the hit TV series of the 1960s called 'The Saint' (Sooothampton's nickname) ---get it?

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Schar (Fernandez 69), Lascelles, Dummett, Ritchie, Perez, Ki, Hayden (Diame 78), Almiron (Atsu 64), Rondon

Attendance: 52,191 (1,500 Sooothampton fans)

"SHAFTED AGAIN BY SKY!"

After the match we heeded for various hostelries for the celebratory 'gargels' and it woz in The Bodega on Westgate Road that we foond oot that wor home game against The Liverbirds at '12:30 bells' had been moved to a ridiculous '7:45 bells' kick off on a Saturday neet, after SKY had originally advertised it at '12:30'

It iz very possible, but highly unlikely that shud Man City slip up in the title race, then Liverpoool could win the Premyaa Leegue at 'wor place', meeenin' that 20,000 Scousers could descend on the city centre---nearly aall withoot tickets, in a desperate bid to gain admission to the groond!

Aall day drinkin' will not help things of course--and there could be pandemonium before kick off time---thanx to SKY!
It's a wonder that the local 'Dibble' 'didn't put a spanner in the works' and demand a lunchtime start!

Updated '9:00pm bells'

'5:52 BELLS'---THE TIME WE WERE SAFE FROM RELEGATION TODAY!"

The Liverbirds won 2-0 at Cardiff this afternooon, meeeenin that the Welshmen cannit catch us now, az they anly have 9 points to play for and are 10 points behind us!
We watched the game in 'The Leazes End Club' and 'The Junction Bar' and wor safely woz conformed at the above time today when the ref blew the final whistle!

Saturday, 20 April 2019

THE TOON v SOOOTHAMPTON **** SATURDAY @ '5:30 BELLS'

Posted '12:53pm bells' Good Friday 19th April 2019
Updated Easter Egg Saturday '12:12pm bells'
ST. JAMES' PARK FROM STANHOPE STREET

"NEARLY THERE!---BUT NOT QUITE!"

With Cardiff's 2-0 win at Brightin through the week, it meeenz that NUFC are still not mathematically safe from relegation just yet!
A win for us tomorrow neet and a defeat for Cardiff at home to 'The Liverbirds' on Sunday will be enough, az the Welshmen will be 10 points behind us with anly 9 points to play for!

Both results are far from certain of course and with Sooothampton just below us in the table, it's anothaa six pointer for both clubs!

Wor home form iz shockin' of course and the defeat to Palace in wor last home game woz undeserved and unexpected!
However!---we picked worsels up for an excellent 1-0 win at Lestaa last Friday to propel us to 38 points and virtual safety---until 'The Taffy Noses' win at Brightin of course, putting them just 7 points behind us, in the last relegation place!

Uncertainty of Rafa's future continues with him tellin SKY SPORTS that hiz contract runs oot on June 30th and that nee progress haz been made! 
"We are at the same point!", he told the tv cameras!

Unless wor great club iz sold, then we fear Rafa could well depart and that anothaa relegation battle will ensue next season---yet again! 
(Provided we divvint gan doon this season of course!)

MEEENWHILE!---today (Good Friday) a'm heedin for 'The Heed' where they are playin a National Leegue game v Chesterfeeeld @ '3 bells' @ Gatesheed Stadium (discounted prices for NUFC season ticket holders)

A match report on that game will appear here at some point ower the weekend (see below!)

STOP PRESS!
Wor home game v The Liverbirds haz now been belatedly conformed!

THE HEEDBANGERS 1 THE CROOKED SPIREITES 0 *** NATIONAL LEEGUE

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 20th April 2019
STEVEN RIGG'S PENALTY PROVES DECISIVE!

"WE HEEDED FOR THE HEED via THE GREY NAGS HEED!"

'The Heedbangers' of Gatesheeed kept their thin hopes of a play off a place alive when the beat Chesterfeeeld at Gatesheed Stadium yesterday afternoon!
The day started off at 'The Heedbangers' HQ, which iz a bar caalled The Grey Nags Heed on Gatesheeed High Street!

It woz then onward to the stadium for the '3 bells' kick off where a good crowd by Gatesheeed's standard (ower a thooosand) woz boosed by 300 to 400 visitin fans in the stand opposite us!
CHESTERFIELD FANS IN THE FAR STAND

The Heedbangers fans were in good voice az they supported the team and slagged their absent owner off (where have we seen this before?)

He's caalled Joe Cala and protest banners aboot hiz runnin of the club were displayed by unhappy fans! (where have we seen this before?)

However!---their unhappiness torned to joy when they were awarded a penalty in the 17th minute and up stepped number 4 Steven Rigg to slam the baall into the net at the 'Scoreboardless End' (there used to be a huge scoreboard at this end, which haz mysteriously disappeared since the last time we were here!?)

It woz still 1-0 at the break and The Heed came oot in the 2nd half with aall guns blazin az they attempted to get the 2nd goal.
2nd HALF ACTION (THE HEED ARE IN BLACK n WHITE)

'The Crooked Spireites' (Chesterfeeeld's nickname, az the church in their toon centre haz a crooked spire!) wornt in the contest and the game petered oot! (The penalty had proved decisive!) 
Scores elsewhere meant that Gatesheeed are still in with a chance of the play offs---just a very smaall chance---but yi never naaa!
EASTLEIGH IN 7th PLACE HOLD THE LAST 'PLAY OFF' PLACE
GATESHEED ARE 4 POINTS BEHIND WITH JUST 2 GAMES LEFT TO PLAY!

It woz back to 'The Nags' after the game for a bit 'nag' and some more 'liquid lubrications' before heedin home! 

Attendance: 1,208
"WE WOZ THERE!"

Thursday, 18 April 2019

ST. JAMES' PARK *** AZ YOUVE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE!


Posted '2:40pm bells' Thorsday 18th April 2019
                                
                         ST. JAMES' PARK --- POSSIBLE REDEVELOPMENT
                                            (With the pitch torned 90 degrees!) 
GALLOWGATE END (LEFT), MILBURN STAND (TOP), 
LEAZES END (RIGHT), EAST STAND (BOTTOM)
ANLY THE AREA IN BLUE WILL STAY THE SAME
THE YELLOW AREAS ARE NEW BUILD!

Some potty architect haz come up with the idea of tornin' St. James' Park into a 70,000 aall seater stadium!
To dee this the pitch must be torned 90 degrees with the goals facin' The Milburn Stand and The East Stand!

Havin' looked at the plans this would meen the demolition of the MAGnificent Milburn Stand to make way for the wider pitch and rebuildin it in some kind of lop-sided form (see plans)
The Gallowgate End would aalso have to be demolished and rebuilt! So where the hell would we play while the stadium iz bein rebuilt?
Gatesheed Stadium or Kingston Park?----Tooo small!
Or that 'god forsaken place' 11 miles away next to a smaall river? -------Surely not!---There'd be 'hell on'!
How aboot Wembley???---it's anly a 600 miles roond trip!

The rebuild would enble The Gallowgate End to be expanded and The Leazes End to have an extra tier added with residential apartments built into the back owerlookin Leazes Park!

The East Stand would remain exactly az it iz because of the restriction of Leazes Terrace behind it!

It seems crazy to us to pull a perfectly good stand doon and replace it with the lop-sided development!

                                          ST. JAMES' PARK---AZ IT LOOKS NOW
GALLOWGATE END (LEFT), MILBURN STAND (TOP, 
LEAZES END (RIGHT), EAST STAND (BOTTOM)


I'm nee architect, just a daft truck driver!, but surely it would be better to leave The Milburn Stand az it iz and build anothaa tier ON TOP of The Gallowgate End and at the back of The Leazes End, which would cost far less money and increase the capacity to 65,000(ish)!---surely that's enough?

Aall this iz in the pipeline of course and we await with baited breath to see exactly will happen next!----(who naaz at this daft futbaall club?)

Wednesday, 17 April 2019

LAST GAME OF SEASON AT FULIM **** EXTRA TICKETS AVAILABLE! *** AT A PRICE!

Posted '3:06pm bells' Wedinzday 17th April 2019
Updated '10:15pm bells' 
"IT'S TIME TO RE-MORTGAGE YOUR HOOSE 
IF YOO WANT TO SIT HERE!"

With wor 2nd last away game Brightin sold oot, that leaves wor last away game at Fulim to grab tickets! (70 loyalty points needed---(ie: you must have been to at least 70 away games since the loyalty scheme came in, in the 1990s)

Because of Fulim's relegation 2 weeks ago, they have taken the unusual step and put tickets in their 'neutral section' in 'The Putney End' on general sale!

Toon fans with away tickets in this end will be charged a maximum £30, while those in the neutral section next to the away section will be charged DOUBLE BUBBLE!---That's reet "SIXTY QUID!" (£60) to watch from the same end!!!

Az yoo will probably naa, the maximum away ticket price that any club can charge iz £30 at the moment!----It doesn't bear 'finkin' aboot! 
Shud this 'price cap' for away fans not be in place, then we would get 'wor eyes taken oot' by this greedy club!
Just az well they are heedin for 'the abyss' of The Championship once more, after just one season back in The Premyaa Leegue!

MEEENWHILE!
Keep and eye on tooneets Champions Leegue tie between Porto and The Liverbirds, who are 2-0 up from the 1st leg of their qwaataa final tie.
If Liverpoool progress az expected, then wor  home game against them on Sunday 5th May at '4:30 bells' will be changed to the day before, az they will be in semi final action on Tuesday 7th May

SKY want a ridiculous '7:45 bells' kick off (WOT! on a Saturday neet?) and yoo can bet your bottom dollar that they will get their way if this kick off time iz to be beleeeved!
(The game woz originally scheduled for a '3 bells' Saturday kick off until SKY changed it to Sunday for live telly!)

Updated '10:15pm bells'

The Liverbirds won 4-1 in Porto, so wor home game against them will definately be on that Saturday---kick off time at SKY's bequest!😨

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