Thursday, 27 April 2017

'PENFOLDGATE' *** WEEK 1 !!!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 27th April 2017
SOMEWHERE IN GOSFORTH!
"ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE TAKEN DOWN IN EVIDENCE!"
 

News reaches us that wor beloved MD known lovingly az 'Penfold' to Toon fans, woz unceremoniously dragged oot of hiz bed (metaphorically speakin'!) at '6 bells' yesterday mornin' at hiz luxury 'pad' in Gosforth on the north side of Toon by HMRC officers and remanded in custard!
("Er!"--for 'custard' read 'custardy!")

He woz then 'Grilled' for 12 hours aboot tax avoidance schemes for French players (so we are told) and woz released from custard at '6 bells' last neet!

Apparentleee  wor beloved owner, known az 'The Fat Controller' to Toon fans, knew absolutleee nothin' aboot this and anly foond oot from 'chief scout' 'Fatty Man' Graham Carr ( the daddy of TV 'Funny Man' Alan Carr!) late last neet!

We don't want to be scaremongers BUT this definatly ISN'T the end of THIS story, which could well drag on til next season with points deductions and transfor embargos mentioned!

I even got a text message from Toon fan 'The Silver Fox' sayin' that we could even de a 'Glasgow Rangers' (ie: be relegated to the bottom tier of the Futbaall Leegue!)

Yi just CANNIT make it up with NUFC!--promoted on Munday!---dragged through the mud (yet again!) on Wednesday!  

"ROCHDALE!--ROCHDALE!---HERE WE COME!"

THE TAFFY NOSES v THE TOON *** TOMORROW NEET!

Posted '11:47am bells' Thorsday 27th April 2017

Tomorrow we play wor final away game of the season, gannin for a record 14th away win!
We can relax now, (apart from 'yee naa wot' involvin' Penfold and the tax man!) (see above and below!) az promotion iz guaranteed and we can close the gap on Brighton at the top to just ONE point, shud we win!?

Not sure wot the followin' will be, but the 6,000 tickets we have been allocated look likely NOT to sell oot!
(Not for a Friday neet away game in sooth Wales that iz live on the box and promotion iz settled!)

Anyway! we must forget aboot wot happened on Wednesday and concentrate on wot happens on Friday and hopefully aall will torn oot well! (but I have my doubts!)

A full match 'Geordie Times' match/boozer report will appear here sometime ower the weekend!

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

PENFOLD IN A PICKLE!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 26th April 2017
"YOUR NICKED BONNY LAD!"

Stunnin' news haz reached 'The Geordie Times' that wor beloved managin' director known affectionately az 'Penfold' to Toon fans, haz been ARRESTED on suspicion of income tax fraud and national insurance fraud by HMRC!
The raids took place at wor heed offices and in France at '6:30 bells' this mornin' for a fraud said to be in the region of  FIVE MILLION quid! (17 or so French players have been signed by us in the last few years!)

WATCH THE NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL NEWS TO FIND OOT MORE!

PS: Just wot we didn't need after securin' promotion back to the top flight on Munday! ---- "EH!!!"

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

THE TOON 4 PRESTON DEAD END 1 *** EFL PROMOTION GAME!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 25th April 2017

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL AZ 'SECRET PIGEON' LOOKS ON!

"BACK WHERE WE BELONG!"  "COO COOOOO!"

I went on 'on the hoy' orlier than a normally de to 'down' a few 'liquid lubrications' to calm mee norves!

Just ONE win from wor THREE remain' games were needed to secure promotion back to 'the big time' and az the game kicked off there were quite a few empty seats around us and one enterprisin' bird, namely Toon fan 'Secret Pigeon', sat on the balcony waall for the forst 15 mins of the game in front of one of the empty seats!

It didn't tek us lang to gan aheed when Perez fired home from close range at The Leazes End after just 7 minutes---BUT! this IZ NUFC after aall! --- and just 7 minutes later Preston had equalised after wor defence woz split wide open and Hugill shot past Rob Elliot in The Toon goal to level things!
By this time 'Secret Pigeon' had flown off into the night sky, heedin' towards a roof beam at 'The Gallowgate End'!

Mee norves were 'janglin' by this time and the thought of havin' to gan to Cardiff on Friday neet to secure promotion entered my heed!

I shouldn't have worried though az just before the interval break Mitrovic provided a through baall to Atsu and he shot across the box to put us 2-1 up!---RELIEF!

The main tornin' point of the game came in the 64th minute when Preston's Gallagher handled on the goal line to prevent a goal and he woz duly sent off az Matt Richie placed the baall on the spot!
ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)
'SECRET PIGEON' IZ THERE---SOMEWHERE!

Hands were then raised in a pray like fashion az Richie sent the goalie the wrang way to put us 3-1 up against 10 men!

It woz aall 'Toon' after this and the final goal to wrap up promotion came at the mid point of the half when Perez bundled the baall ower the line from very close range!

Yoo could feell the relief of the crowd az the realisation hit us that we were DEFINATLEEE gannin' up---AT LAST!!!!!
'RAFA THE GAFFA' CELEBRATES WITH THE TOON FANS
AFTER THE MATCH!
(RAFA IZ ON THE FAR RIGHT IN THE DARK SUIT
APPLAUDIN' THE GALLOWGATE END)


"WOT A DIFFERENCE A WEEK MAKES!"

At precisely '5:05 pm bells' last Easter Munday we were waitin' for the train at Ipswich station aftaa wor aaful performance and defeat against a very ordinary Ipswich side, when news came through on 'Mal The Inglish Skool Teecher's 'mobile 'telling bone' that 'uddersfield were winnin' 1-0 after just 5 minutes play! (their game kicked off after wors)
The rest of the jorney back to Peterboro station woz torture to say the least az 'uddersfield held on----BUT with barely 5 minutes left on the clock Darbee equalised to send the packed train wild!----They'd anly gained 1 point on us instead of 3
And then on Saturday when 'we 'wornt playin' ,they lost 4-1 at home to Fulim, while Readin' lost 3-2 at Forest!

This meant victory last neet guaranteed that we would retorn to 'the promised land'!!!  "YAAHOOOO!" 

Toon team: Elliot, Anita, Dummett, Hayden, Lascelles, Clark, Shelvey (Colback 76), Mitrovic, Richie, Perez (Murphy 83), Atsu (Gouffran 68)

Attendance: 50, 212 plus 'Secret Pigeon' (and 504 'Dead End' fans)

*

Monday, 24 April 2017

THE TOON v PRESTON DEAD END **** TOONEET!

Posted '10:52am bells' Munday 24th April 2017
THE LAST PNE WERE HERE***A 6-0 DEFEAT LAST OCTOBER

Followin' the Xcellent results ower the weekend in wor favour (see article below!) we find worsels with the chance of automatic promotion tooneet v Preston, IF we win!?

Last Munday it woz aall doom and gloom followin' wor 3-1 defeat at Ipswich, but with othaa results gannin wor way, it's still in wor hands, az we need just TWO points to guarantee promotion back to the 'BIG time 'gravy train' at the forst attempt!

We welcome back Ciaran Clark tooneet to steady wor shaky defence and with yet anothaa capacity crowd expected to roar us on, we have 3 'throws of the dice' left to 'de the business'!
(Preston have sold less than half their allocation of 1,100 tickets!)

Wor visitors lost here 6-0 in the Leegue Cup orlier this season, but we will definatlee settle for just a 1-0 win this time!

We will know by '9:45 bells' tooneet!---it would be very nice indeed to gan to Cardiff on Friday neet, naa'in that we are ne langer under any pressure and able to relax! 

Lets hope (and pray!) that tomorrows match report in 'The Geordie Times' 'iz a GOOD ONE'!?

Sunday, 23 April 2017

7 HEAVEN AND A PERFECT DAY!

Posted '8:08am bells' Sunday 23rd April 2017
"THEY'LL BE DANCING IN THE STREETS OF 'THE TOON' TOONEET!"


I had a '7 heaven' 'wish list' yesterday!

1: I wanted 'uddersfield to lose---and they DID! 4-1!
2: I wanted Readin' to lose---and they DID! 3-2!
3: I wanted  'the smoggies' to lose---and they DID 4-0!
4: I wanted Swanzee to win---and they DID! 2-0!
5: I wanted Hull to win---and they DID! 2-0!
6: I wanted Gatesheed to win---and they DID! 4-0!
7: I wanted Dunston 'Bad Blue Boys' to win---and they DID! 3-0!

The above top 2 results meen that IF we win against Preston Dead End tomorrow neet @ SJP then we are promoted!
'uddersfield cannot catch us if this happens, but  Readin' CAN match wor points total, IF we lose, BUT they have a goal difference of minus 36 to make up on us--an impossible task unless they win their last 2 games 18-0! (to make up the goal difference!)
In effect, 'uddersfield are the anly team that can deny us, IF they win their last 3 games and WE lose wor last 2
We now need just 2 points to guarantee promotion from wor last 3 games!

Aalso, IF 'uddersfield draw or lose on Tuesday, no matter wot wor score iz tomorrow neet, then we are defiantly promoted az wor goal difference on them iz plus 35 (I hope yoo are followin' aall this?)  

The next 3 above results I wanted are aalso very satisfyin', az it meeenz that 'the SMBs are 12 points from safety in the top flight and that 'the smoggies' are virtually relegated az well!

The last pair of results are from 2 of wor local Tyneside teams who I wanted to win az well!

Add in the fact that Brighton lost 2-0 on Friday neet, meeenz that we STILL have a very smaall chance of claimin' the title! so this woz indeed---'A PERFECT WEEKEND'!!!

Aaall we have to de nuw iz beat Preston!!!!????

Saturday, 22 April 2017

THE TOON v PRESTON DEAD END *** MUNDAY NEET!

Posted '2:00pm bells' Saturday 22nd April 2017

MATT RICHIE SCORES FROM THE SPOT ORLIER THIS SEASON
IN WOR 6-0 DEMOLITION OF PRESTON (SAME AGAIN PLEEEZE!)

We are left 'kickin wor heels' once again az the othaa promotion contenders are in action this afternoon, while we divvint play til Munday---thanx to Sky telly!

Aa honestly 'fink' that AALL games in the closin' stages of the season shud be played at the same time, but 'live telly rules ok' and apart from the last day of the season, (when aall games kick off  at the ridiculous time of 'high noon bells' on Sunday 7th May) we aall play on different days/times!

AALL eyes will be on the pub screens this afternoon, when Jeff Stelling & Co. give their usual 'rants' az the scores come in!

We can anly hope (and pray!) that results are kind to us once again az we nervously wait for Munday neet and the visit of Preston, who, incidentleee, we beat 6-0 orlier this season in The Leegue Cup!---1-0 will de me this time, but how will we play?

If we play like we did at Ipswich on Easter Munday---then we are doomed!
BUT! if we play like we did in wor last home game v Leeedz on Good Friday, then we will surely WIN!

I'm off oot in a few mins to down a few 'liquid lubrications' in various Toon bars az I watch Jeff & Co reveal wor 'fate' on the big screens!

Brighton's 2-0 defeat last neet meeenz that we still have a remote chance of winnin' the leegue---but it's a 'lang shot'!

An 'update' on today's results will appear here later (fingers & toes crossed!)

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

'BENT NOSE McCARTHY'S TRACTOR BOYS 3 THE TOON 1 *** EFL 2016-2017


Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 18th April 2017
Updated with more pix 'high noon bells' Wednesday
THE BIG KICK OFF!---IF ONLY THE GAME
COULD HAVE ENDED THERE AND THEN!

"PLOUGHED UP BY THE TRACTOR BOYS!"

We didn't 'fink' it woz possible--but we actually put in a WORSE performance than wor last away game at Sheff Wed!

It woz a case of pass the baall back to Karl Darlow in 'The Toon' goal and for him to hoof it az far up the field az possible and "hope for the best!"
This happened on numerous occasions with little success az we continually lost the baall and couldn't seem to put 2 passes together once the baall had crossed the half way line!

5 changes were inexplicably made by 'Rafa the Gaffer' after wor 'much better' performance v Leeedz on Good Friday and this proved to be wor downfall! (Why Rafa?---WHY?)
THE TOON ATTACK 'THE BOBBY ROBSON END' (1st half)
(View from row K in the away end)

Predicably the home side took the lead after 42 minutes at 'The Alf Ramsey End' when Sears-'brought tears' to Toon fans eyes!
Matt Richie had lost the baall on the half way line and a run doon the left by an unchallenged Lawrence produced a cross for Sears to fire home past Darlow!

The anly highlight of the game for us woz in the 62nd minute when Atsu ran doon the left wing 'like a whippet' and crossed the baall to Daryl Murphy, who volled an unstoppable effort past the 'Tractor Boys' keeper to send the 2,000 or so Toon fans wild, in expectation of a comeback!
This DIDNT happen and before lang Ipswich were 2-1 aheed after an unmarked McGoldrick fired home at 'The Bobby Robson End' just 5 minutes after Murphy's equaliser!
A PAUL DUMMETT THROW IN AT 'THE ALF RAMSEY END'
"DOES ANYBODY WANT IT!"

And then in the dyin' embers of the game it woz 3-1 to the home side when Huws wellied the baall past wor beleaguered keeper!

We trudged back to the nearby train station in trepidation of a 'uddersfield win at Darbee (they kicked off just after wor game had finished) and az we stood on the station platform more bad news came through---'uddersfield had taken the lead after just 5 minutes or so!

The 3 carriage train back to Peterborough woz 'rammed', with standin' room only for many!  The mobile phones were 'action' by quite a few Toon followers az we prayed for a Darbee comeback!
With 87 minutes on the clock and ne forthaa score, it looked az though 'uddersfield would move within 5 points of us--plus a game in hand!---and then the 'joyous news' we'd aall 'prayed for' came through---DARBEE HAD EQUALISED 'at the death' and the 'gap' woz now 7 points between 'us and 'them'! (and a minus 32 goal difference)---The Toon fans 'erupted' az the carriage 'bounced' past March train station (It's 'APRIL' isn't it?)
MARCH IN APRIL!

Readin' had won though and were 6 points behind us--but they have played the same number of games AND they have a far inferior goal difference to us (minus 35!) which iz worth an extra point in itself!

In othaa words IF 'uddersfield fail to win next Saturday at home to Fulim and 'we' win against Preston next Munday then 'we' are promoted!

Of course this IZ NUFC isn't it!--and anythin' can happen!

Toon team: Darlow, Yedlin (Gamez 78), Lascelles, Hanley, Dummett, Richie (Mitrovic 82), Shelvey, Hayden, Atsu, Diame (Gouffran 61), Murphy

Attendance: 25, 684 (1,952 Toon fans---they wouldn't sell us any more tickets!) Ipswich's highest crowd of the season--2,400 higher than their 'derby' v Norwich!)

The pre match 'gargels' took place here the neet before and on the day of the match!

THE DOVE, IPSWICH


BRIARBANK, IPSWICH



 
"Little things pleeeze little minds!"--
Inside 'The Briarbank' 'International Russcue' plays a game of 'Labyrinth', where yoo must navigate a smaall metal baall around a board usin' the nobs on the side to tilt the table. The object iz to avoid the 60 holes to get to the end of the maze!--He played with it for TWO HOURS, managin' to get past just ONE hole in 200 attempts! (It's sad --isn't it!?) 
"Stick to the day job, mate!"


 This boozer iz caalled 'The Mulberry' and they gave us a rendition of 'The Blaydon Races' az we sang alang 'half 'cut!





THE ISAAC LORD ON IPSWICH WAATERFRONT






A 'YAUGHT PARK' NEAR WAATERFRONT!










"NAMED AND SHAMED!"
THE LORD NELSON WASNT OPEN IN THE 2 DAYS WE WERE THERE?
(View through the blinds of 'The Briarbank'!)



IT'S AALL TOOO MUCH!
AN INEBRIATED VETERAN TOON FAN
GRABS 40 WINKS ON THE TRAIN BACK!
"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"

"WE REEELY ENJOYED WORSELS IN IPSWICH!---
APART FROM THE MATCH!"


















 








Sunday, 16 April 2017

'BENT NOSE McCARTHY'S TRACTOR BOYS V THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '9:39am bells' Easter Sunday 16th April 2017

Later today we heed for the 'delights'? of Ipswich by choo choo train, for an overneet stay(£13 each!), where we will take on a 'Bent Nose McCarthy' side tomorrow, who are languishin' <(we naa aall the hard words!) in a mid table position with nothin' to play for apart from pride! (The game kicks off at '3 bells' tomorrow afternooon!)

NUFC on the othaa hand MUST win this game to keep at least an 8 point difference between us and 'uddersfield who kick off just after wor game (tomorrow tea time away to Darbee Coonty)

(Brighton, who are now 4 points aheed of us play Wigan at home the same time az us)

Aall 2,000 away tickets were sold ages ago az we gan for a club record breakin' 14th away win of the season!

A full Geordie Times match report and pix will appear here sometime on Wednesday---lets hope (and pray!) it's a good story to bring yoo!)?

Saturday, 15 April 2017

THE TOON 1 LEEEDZ 1 *** EFL 2016-2017

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 15th April 2017

"THE TALE OF THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE!"

We stood watchin' the results come through on Sky Sports in The Bodega and 'uddersfield were drawin' 2-2 with Preston!
It woz 6 minutes into stoppage time when dramatic news came through that 'uddersfield had scored! (I nearly chocked on my pint!)

NUFC then played wor game against Leeedz where we were winnin' 1-0 and it woz 6 minutes into stoppage time when the Yorkshiremen equalised to break wor hearts!---a case of 'da va ju' ---but not in wor favour!

Brighton had won 2-0 in the '5:30 bells' game away to Wolves, which meant they went 4 points clear of us and that 'uddersfield moved within 8 points of us---with a game in hand!

1st HALF ACTION AZ WE ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL

Leeedz hit the bar at The Gallowgate End' 'orly on' but after this we dominated play with several corners and near misses and Gouffran hit the post!
The 2nd half woz the same and the vital breakthrough came in the 67th minute when Lascelles scrambled the baall ower the line to send the crowd 'potty'!

And then the heartbreak in stoppage time when goalscorer Lascelles woz unable to stop Chris Wood's runnin' through wor defence and he shot past Darlow to level the match ----'WOOD' yoo believe it'!  < (The answer iz YES!--this iz NUFC after aall!)
LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE EAST STAND

Reeely, we shud have 'stuffed' Leeedz az we had enough chances to do so, but, we didn't and are crawlin' towards the finishin' line 'tortoise like', with 4 games to gan, while 'uddersfield are 'harin' alang' behind us!
On the plus side wor goal difference iz 31 better than 'uddersfield's !  (in effect wor goal difference iz worth a point in itself!)
It meenz that we must lose 3 of wor last 4 games and 'uddersfield must win 3 oot of their last 5 to gan above us---highly unlikely---BUT still possible!

2nd HALF AZ WE ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL

Next up iz 'Bent Nose McCarthy's Ipswich on Easter Munday, while 'uddersfield are away to Darbee Coonty and Brighton are at home to relegation threatened Wigan!

Toon team: Darlow, Anita, Dummett, Hayden (Colback 79), Lascelles, Mbemba, Shelvey, Richie (Yedlin 84), Mitrovic, Perez (Diame 90), Gouffran

Attendance: 52,301 (3,200 Leeedz) (Highest crowd of the season)   Average gate now 51,095

ARCHIVE GROUNDS MATCH REPORT LIST