Wednesday, 19 September 2018

IZ THE FAT CONTROLLER'S TRAIN SET COMIN' OFF THE RAILS!?

Posted '2:45pm bells' Wedinzday 19th September 2019

*News that wor 'beloved'??? absent owner haz dropped hiz askin' price to £300 million iz a sign of panic if it iz true?
Wor disastrous start to the new season woz so predicable and even in wor pre season forst team games, we anly won one game v St Patricks Athletic in Dublin! (2-0)

Since this game we are winless in a forthaa 4 pre season games, playin badly in Portugal v Porto (0-0) and Braga (0-4), plus a home defeat to Ausburg of Jawmany (0-1) and a 2-2 draw v Championship side Hull!

The 5 games in the Premyaa Leegue and have produced just one draw  (0-0 v Cardiff) and 4  2-1 defeats in total!
(6 games if you add in the 3-1 defeat to Championship side Forest in the Leegue Cup )

That's 11 games played in total and ONE solitary win against a bunch of Irish part timers!

'The Fat Controller's failure to attend home games for 16 months iz doon to fear of hostile criticism and complete loss of interest in hiz 11 year old 'train-set'!

In other words "It's comin' off the rails!" and It's time to sell up 'mate'? and "Get out of our club!" az the old songs gans! 
(NUFC fans have been singin' it for 10 years now!) 

Like 'The Geordie Times' said yesterday: 
"IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!" 😨 

Tuesday, 18 September 2018

"IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!"

Posted '12:57pm bells' Tuesday 18th September 2018
PROTESTS OOTSIDE THE CLUB SHOP LAST SATURDAY!

News that The Fat Controller iz willin to drop hiz askin' price from £380 million to around £300 million for the sale of NUFC, haz reached The Geordie Times!


Fan protests outside hiz shops (including the club shop!) have been ongannin for sometime now!

The fact that we sit 2nd bottom of The Premyaa Leegue and face losin' oot on next season's gravy train money, shud we gan doon for the thord time under hiz (lack of) leadership, could be the main reasons for a rumoured 'panic' 'flash sale'!

Of course we have hord aall this before ---havvent we?---and we will beleeeve it when it happens!
WOT THE PAPERS SAY!

He iz now hated by the vast majority of wor fan base and the protests will anly get worse the langer he hangs on!  

"IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!" 

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS!---"NEW GROOND!---NEW GROOND!"

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Tuesday 18th September 2018

It haz been conformed that wor resorves U23 Premyaa Leegue cup tie away to Leeds will be played at Nethermoor, the home of non leegue Guisley AFC
This iz joyous news for the mad-sad groundhoppers, amongst aall the doom and gloom of relegation battles involving wor forst team!
😀
The game in Guisley will be played on Munday 25th February 2019 with a '7 bells' kick off time!

*

Monday, 17 September 2018

GROUND ZERO!

Posted '2:05pm bells' Munday 17th September 2018
MAN U***GROUND ZERO!

News that wor away game at 'The Theatre of Muppets' next month iz sold oot, iz hardly a suprize!
But the fact that the loyalty points needed had dropped to ZERO tells yoo aall iz not well with supporters!

Flashback to the 1990s when we had a team to challenge Man U for the title!
Anly 800 tickets were available to Toon fans az Man Us groond woz bein extended and they needed to shut a stand for buildin' work!

I know one fan caalled Dekka who paid a fellow fan £300 for a ticket to get into that game!
Now, lack of interest, or fear of a hiding, haz depleated wor away followin to such an extent that yoo could get a ticket, even if you'd NEVER been to an away game before!
Dekka, by the way, doesnt gan anymore!

On Saturday against 'The Arse', one of my mates who will remain nameless and who hasnt missed a home game for years (includin friendlies) didnt torn up and I woz worried that summik had happened to prevent hiz attendance!

It later transpired that he went to work az a plumber instead, fittin a new boiler into an *'old boiler's hoose, rather than gan to the match! 😨
(*'old boiler' iz Geordie slang for an old woman!)

Another mate who went to every home and away game when we were in The Championship, ISNT gannin to Palace this comin' Saturday!😨

Apathy haz set in I'm afraid, and its aall doon to one man who doesnt gan anymore, namely 'The Fat Controller' who owns and iz ruinin wor great club, but couldnt give 2 monkeys F**** anymore!
CRISTIL PALACE***GROUND ZERO!

Az for myself, I WILL be at Palace, but its gettin to be a right chore to do away games now!
I remember that more than 10,000 travelled to Palace, when Wimbledon ground shared there in the 1990s!
Now we cant sell 3,000 tickets for the same venue! (They are still on sale with zero points needed to buy one!)

A thord relegation in 9 years iz unfinkable to me and aall Toon fans, but iz a very reel possibility once again!
"HELP!"😨

Sunday, 16 September 2018

THE TOON 1 THE ARSE 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '11:33am bells' Sunday 16th September 2018
THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL (1st half)

"THE SAME OLD STORY!"

For the 3rd home game in a row we lost narrowly by 2 goals to 1 to leave us in the bottom 3 of the table!

We started off well az we attacked the Leazes End goal, but yet again, didnt have the finishin power to score!
Rondon and Shelvey were conspicuous by their absence once again, az 'the same old story' unfolded before us!

It woz 0-0 at half time, but it didnt take 'The Arse' lang to score the forst goal from a free kick from 30 yards oot, when Xhaka hit an unstoppable shot past Dubravka in The Toon goal!

10 mins later and it woz 2-0 to "the norf Landaners" when Ozil fired home from 15 yards oot!

Reely there woz nee way back at this point az wor visitors went for a thord goal, az we lost wor shape!

A consolation heeded goal from Ceiran Clark deep into injury time at The Gallowgate End woz too little tooo late, az the ref blew for full time not lang after this!
With just one point oot of 15, this iz wor worst start EVER to a Premyaa Leegue season!😨
ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Another relegation battle iz definatly on again!
'The same old story' under wor absent owners leadership--or lack of it az the case may be!
(16 months now since he last plonked hiz fat 'arsenal' on hiz seat in the directors box!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles (Clark 46), Fernandez, Dummett, Murphy (Kenedy 69), Hayden, Diame, Ritchie (Muto 79), Joselu, Perez

Attendance: 52,165 (3,200 Arseholes in level 7 of The Leazes End)

*Flag pix
TOON FANS PROTEST AGAINST 'THE FAT CONTROLLER' 
OOTSIDE THE CLUB SHOP!
(OF COURSE, HE WASNT HERE TO SEE IT!)

GALLOWGATE FLAGS

LEAZES FLAGGG!




Friday, 14 September 2018

THE TOON v THE ARSE *** TOMORROW AT '3 BELLS'!

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Friday 14th September 2018
St James' Park from
Stanhope Street

We retorn to leegue action after the International break and take on The Arse at SJP in an unusual '3 bells' non televised fixture for the forst time this season!

Hopefully Jonjo Shelvey and Matt Ritchie will be back, in what iz a game we must get sommik oot of to avoid bein' stranded in the bottom 3!

We aall knew that we would struggle after wor tough start, which of course iz entirly doon to one man, who cant be bothered aboot comin to games anymore---an absense streatchin' back to May 2017!
Just 500 tickets remain on sale, so the game looks certain to be a selloot!
In previous years it would have sold oot weeks ago, but apathy haz started to set in, I'm afraid!(Yoo know who to blame!)

We will of course bring yoo, wor loyal subjects, a full match report on Sunday az per usual!
Watch this space for this➡😊---OR---this!➡😨

Thursday, 13 September 2018

SENT TO COVENTRY 2008!

Posted '4:00pm bells' Thorzday 13th September 2018

I have just completed mee archive match report from Coventry in August 2008 when we visited their new Ricoh Arena abode (ground 267)
This meenz that match/booze reports from new groonds visited durin' the last 10 seasons are now complete!
(see below)

267 ricoh arena coventry


(GROUND NUMBER 267)

Date of First Visit: 26th AUGUST 2008

RICOH ARENA, COVENTRY



COVENTRY CITY  2

NEWCASTLE UNITED  3  (N'Zogbia, Milner, Owen)



COCA COLA CUP 2nd Round

Attendance: 19,249     (3,008 Toon fans includin’ Mike Ashley in the away end!)


Michael Owen winner in extra time
(dark blue shirt on left)




Fower of us 'were sent to Coventry' in ‘The Caped Crusaders’ ‘bat mobile’ and we arrived at the groond (sorry!-- ARENA!) which woz smack bang in the middle of  an industrial estate on the ootskirts of the city centre, in plenty of time for the forst ‘gargels’!



We eventually foond a bar in a hoozin' estate half a mile away up the road called ‘The Hub’ and settled doon for ‘the duration az there were nee othaa bars in sight!

Apart from ‘me’ and The Caped Crusader, Jonezee and ‘Grumpy Stumpy’ were in attendance az we hoyed the ‘gargel’ doon wor ‘Gregory Pecks’ (necks!)




While me and Jonezee drank the local brew, Grumpy Stumpy went on the scrumpy and The Caped Crusader kept to soft drinks az he woz drivin’!



It woz then time to heed for the tornstiles of this brand new ground and on enterin’ we could see that it woz half empty with thoosands of sky blue seats vacant in the home sections! (13,000 to be exact!)

The Toon section woz canny full az the game kicked off and we went on the attack straight away!



It took us 21 minutes to oen the scorin’ when N’Zogbia fired home a James Milner cross!

17minutes later and anothaa cross from Milner woz missed by everybody, includin’ their goalie and it sailed into the net after takin a slight deflection off a Coventry defender! 2-0

 
TOON MANAGER KEVIN KEEGAN BELOWS OUT INSTRUCTIONS
 FROM THE AWAY DUGOOT!

The Sky Blues pulled one back deep into forst half stoppage time after indecision in the Toon defence!



The game petered oot and deep into injury time, az we made wor way to the exits for a quick getaway, disaster struck, when a lang throw in near wor corner flag from a Coventry defender, foond the heed of Dann, who nodded the baall into the top of the net!



The very thing aa didn’t want woz extra time az aa had an orly start for work the next mornin’!   "CURSES!"



Anyway!--- in the 97th minute we got a 3rd goal, when a superb baall from Enrique foond Michael Owen (who had come on az a 2nd half sub)and he lobbed the Coventry keeper to eventually win the tie! (see top photo)
But not after some finger bitin' in the last few minutes to avoid a dreaded penalty shoot out!




Aa got yem in the orly hours and then had to drag mee lifeless body oot of bed at ‘6am bells’ to de a ‘truck run’ to Glasgow!



Such iz life!



Footnote: Sadly both 'Jonezee' and 'The Caped Crusader' (who woz better known az 'The Undertaker') are no longer with us!

RIP lads!

Wednesday, 12 September 2018

ASHINGTON ARCHIVE MATCH REPORT

Posted '1:40pm bells' Wedinzday 12th September 2018

PHOTO 'NICKED' FROM
NUFC.COM! 😲
Below this article iz a match report from NUFCs forst ever visit to The Ashington Pit Yaakkers new Woodhorn Lane abode, which woz opened in 2008

This report meeenz that I have now published a report on every new groond visited in the last 10 years!(nearly!)

Havin visited 337 groonds watchin NUFCs various teams since 1964, there are now archive reports from 140 odd groonds on this website!

Still a lang way to gan to complete them aall---BUT!---I will 'plod on regardless' in my quest to de a report on every groond visited!
(Ground 271, Woodhorn Lane, Ashington)

271 woodhorn lane ashington



(GROUND NUMBER 271)

Date of First Visit: 15th JULY 2009

WOODHORN LANE, ASHINGTON, PIT YAKKER-LAND!



ASHINGTON  2

NEWCASTLE UNITED  Reserves  3 (Baheng, Zambiera, Sammy Amiobi)



FRIENDLY FIXTURE

ATTENDANCE: 652 (mostly Toon fans)








“I AM NOT A SEASON TICKET NUMBER!?------I AM A FREE MAN!!!???”



Aa had ti gan to this one of course as it was a brand new groond and aad arranged at work to get a very orly start that day so that aa had plenty of time to mek the match.

So!---it was oot of bed at three in the morn’ and off  ‘truckin’ to Mansfield for Allied Bakeries.

A three bells afternoon finish meant aa had plenty of time to get yem for a wash ‘n’ brush up and a bit scran before cadgin’ a lift off ‘The Caped Crusader’ to deepest Northumberland.



Unlike Ashington’s aad grooond which was near the toon centre, this one is in the middle of ne where, next to a dodgy lookin’ hoosin’ estate and this was conformed when we got to the clubhoose entrance at the groond, as it was like ‘Fort Knox’ to get into.

(“Er!”---come to think of it?---the whole of ‘pit yakker-land’ is a ‘bit dodgy lookin’!)

Metal roller shutters were on the windows and doors and just to mek sure that nebody could get past this, they had iron bars on the doors as well!

We got there just as an aad wifey was openin’ up (good timin’ pet!) and downed the forst ‘liquid refreshments’ at ‘five thorty bells’ preciseleee! (‘seven bells’ kick off)



This torned oot to be the forst ‘outin’ of the Toon’s new horrendous ‘Whitley Bay deckchair stripes’ away strip, which would’nt have looked oot of place on the set of the cult TV series, ‘The Prisoner’!  

"WHERE'S MEE SUNSHADES?"
(PHOTO 'NICKED' FROM NUFC.COM 😲)

And of course, just like ‘The Prisoner’ (Patrick Magoohan) there’s ‘ne escape’!  (In his case—there’s ne escape from his island prison---and in wor case---there’s ne escape from ‘St James’ prison’!) (Er!---except for away games ‘on parole’, that is!)

ie: “yiv got ti gan---ne matter wot happens!”



A combination of yellow ‘n’ orange striped shirts, orange shorts and yellow ‘n’ orange hooped socks (UGH!) actually blended in well with the sun as it shone brightleee in the Northumberland sky!



Many fans were sportin’ designer ‘Poond Shop’ sunglasses to stop the glare from the strips blindin’ them, while Ashington AFC, on the otha hand, were sportin’ a very dull black ‘n’ white striped shirt design with  black shorts and black ‘n’ white socks (now where have aa seen that before???)

(‘Glennn from Ashington’ was one of  the above posers, although he insisted that his expensive designer ‘shades’ were in fact from Poondstrecher!) (Er!---anly jokin’ mate!)



The same ‘saddos’ were there of course who had been in Ireland fower days before for the Shamrock game and they were aall huddled together takin notes of just who was actually playin’!, namly, “zzzzzzz!”, ‘Dave from York’, his ‘sidekick’ Alex, ‘The Bear’, ‘Byzee’, Glennn and of course ‘The Caped Crusader’. (aalso present was ‘The Mad Professor’ who could’nt be bothered to gan to Ireland (part time sad b******!)





“WHERE’S THE MILBURN ARMY?”



Just like the fans, ‘The Pit Yakkers X1’ were aalso ‘dazzled’ by wor new ‘Prisoner strip’ (as it was now appropriateleee christened !) as we took the lead with bearly two mins on the clock, when Zambiera (‘Zam Man’) flicked the baall into the path of Baheng who coolly slotted home.



However!---the lead did’nt last lang and the home side levelled  when Frazer Forster in the Toon goal fumbled a cross and Ashington’s Keith Douglas took advantage with an unstoppable shot into the reet hand corner of the net!

There was applause of course for the home sides goal, but sadly there was ne sign of the Ashington drummer alang his ten strong entourage to ‘wind up’ the crowd into a ‘frenzy’ like they had at their aad groond, where they used to sing, “Jackie Milburn’s black ‘n’ white army!” , alang with otha ‘ditty’s’

And the fact that there is ne bus service from the toon centre to the groond eetha ,does’nt help! , so mebeez they just decided that it was too far to waalk and packed in gannin’!?

(That’s wot happens when yi sell yi prime site groond to Asda/Tesco/Morrisons etc!)



It was 2-1 to the Toon just before the break when ‘Zam Man’ fired in from close range from a Baheng cross and then it was a ‘mad rush’ to the bar as the ref blew for half time.

(Unfortuanetleee!---the bar was ‘heavin’ and aa estimated that it would tek at least twenty mins to get sorved, so aa ‘abandoned’ that ‘plan’ and went for a ‘scabby eye’ instead!)



Ten  mins into the second period the ‘Pit Yakkers’ again drew level after another error in the Toon’s defence by sub Sammy Amiobi (yee naa who’s bruvva!) but! he made amends for his ‘mistayke’ when he drove home the winnin’ goal with a fine left footer strike, mid-way through the half !



After the match we made for the car and amazingly it still had aall it’s wheels on? and had’nt been ‘torched’!? (Er!---mebeez they are’nt that bad roond theeze parts after aall!?) and aa arrived yem just in time for mee ‘cow pie supper’ which wor lass had just made!----“Yum yum!”





©Fink (the mad-sad grundhpper!)








ARCHIVE GROUNDS MATCH REPORT LIST