Thursday, 24 May 2018

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GEORDIE IN KIEV??

Posted '2:30pm bells' Thorsday 24th May 2018

'The Liverbirds' play in The Champions Leegue final in Kiev v Real Madrid on Saturday neet and one of Liverpool's players iz jordan henderson, who used to play for the mackems and woz born and 'in-bred' there!
However!---He abandoned 'the sinkin' ship' 'many moons ago' and heeded for Morseyside instead!

Some brain dead mackem haz put a photo of him on WhatsApp sayin' that he is 'one of their own', with the caption:
'Have you ever seen a Geordie IN KIEV??'  'FTM'
(FTM stands for Fool, Tosser and Muppet!)


Well!---actually 'jake'!---yoo 'jerk'!
See Geordie Times'z NUFC archive match report from ground 158 in 1997, in the article below!

158 olympic/respublikansky stadion kiev


(GROUND NUMBER 158)

Date of First Visit: 1st OCTOBER 1997



OLYMPIC/RESPUBLIKANSKY STADION, KIEV

UKRAINE



DINAMO KIEV 2 

NEWCASTLE UNITED 2 (John Beresford 2)



U.E.F.A. CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

ATTENDANCE 100,000  (400 Toon fans, plus ME in the Kiev End!)





"KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN KIEV!"



"SPOT THE FLOODLIGHT BULBS!"


The club had organised a day trip tih the Ukrainian capital for the princely sum of aroond aboot £320!.

‘The Caped Crusader’ (as usual!) was panickin' because he does'nt like travellin' on the day of the match in case somethin' gans wrang like delays by fog or bad weather for example and AH was panickin' (as usual!) coz the flight took fower hours.

(As far as a'm concerned, that's fower hours for sommik tih gan wrang, like the propellers faallin off or the engine blaa'in up!)

So it was a nervous duo who entered Newcastle Airport that mornin'! tih check in for wor 'said' 'day trip!'.

Needless tih say!, the flight torned oot tih be uneventful and we arrived at Kiev airport in one piece AND on time!.

The anly problem was that it took another two f***** hours tih get through customs, as the local 'secret police' double checked wor visas and passports.



The one that checked mine (a little c*** in a big hat!) just gave iz one of those:

'YOU LOOK LIKE AN AMERICAN SECRET AGENT TO ME', looks!, and aa half expected tih be 'carted off' tih the nearest Siberian salt mine for ten years hard labour!.

After aboot two minutes and a word in the 'shell like' of a fellow 'comrade' he finally gave iz the 'aall clear' and lerriz through, much tih my relief! as ah did'nt care too much for a 'boiled grass 'n' sheeps eyes soup' diet!, in a concentration camp tih see iz intih the new millennium!.

(Boiled grass waz the staple diet of Siberian Concentration camps az there waz ne taste to it!)



The city of Kiev torned oot tih be just as bleak as the airport reception and as yi'd expect it was f***** freezin' caad. A road sweeper with an improvised brush made of twigs was sweepin’ the autumn leaves  up into a heap and settin’ them on fire in the middle of the road!

The thing that struck me the most though, were the amoont of beggars on the streets and one fat roond faced woman in particular near a subway station, waz dressed in rags with a shawl aroond hor heed and she waz holdin’ a baaby under hor left  arm, with a beggin’ bowl in hor right hand and sayin’ sommik in Russian, which, (usin’ my vast knowledge of international languages!)---(Er!-fluent Geordie & broken English!)  aa deciphered to be----“HAVE YI GOT ANY SPARE BIT, HINNY!?”



Most of the few cars were the standard 'Trabent rust buckets', the busses looked like the ones yi’d normally see in a scrapyard and nearly aall  the locals were waalkin' aboot in Cossack style hats 'n' shabby sheepskin coats. (most of which looked aboot twenty years aad!)

The amazin' thing when wih went on the 'hoy' was that there were quite a few cafe style bars with customers sittin' oot in the open with the temperature bearly above freezin' point.

(Definitely another place that yih could send yih mother 'n' law for hor summer holidays!)



As wih waalked the streets wih came across the Ukranian equivelent of 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' with the logo of the gadgie in specs and white beard on the front! and what I assume was K.F.C. written in Russian? (sommik like! Ω ± !)

There were massive queues tih get in and it was hardly surprizin' as the rest of the scran shops looked a bit 'dodgy' tih say the least. We were 'Hank Marvin' by nuw, so wih (wisely!) decided tih get some 'Desperate Dan' there before headin' for the stadium which was in the city centre.



In a boozer near the 100,000 capacity stadium we bumped into ‘Bill Quay Kev’ who waz sittin’ at a table with a very large vodka in front of him!

“IT’S BEAUTIFUL ‘FINK’---BEAUTIFUL!”, he said to me, slurrin’ hiz words az he stared at the FULL pint glass! (I kid yoo not!)

“THERE’S NE OPTIC MEASURES HERE!”---“THEY JUST POUR IT FROM THE BOTTLE!”, he added az he gulped some more doon hiz ‘Gregory Peck’!



Anotha trip to the bar for Kev saw the barman pour him anotha vodka cocktail and indeed he did pour aboot half a pint of the stuff into the glass before addin’ some coke and ice!

After a few BEERS with Kev (there waz NE WAY aa waz gannih be ‘comotosed’ like him before the game!) we said wor goodbyes az he sat at the table lookin’ absoluteleee ‘cattle trucked’ with the drink!

Then a while later and half an hour before kick off, aa lost the rest of the lads in the crowds outside and had to mek mee aan way to the huge stadium, which had fower massive floodlights with aboot a hundred bulbs in each one! and aall the tornstile entrance signs were in Russian!, which of course aa couldn’t understand!



To be honest aa was a bit p*st meesel and with time getting’ on aa panicked that aa would miss the start and just went with the flo of the crowd to the nearest entrance.

A gadgie mumbled sommik in Russian and tore the ticket stub off and aa waz in the ground.

There were ne tool sheds az such and if yi wanted a ‘gypsies’ yi had ti gan behind some trees on the concourse to get a slash!

Hundreds were standin’ there in a row with their w*llies hangin’ oot, az ‘the secret police dibbles’ looked on! (f**kin’ perverts!)



It waz then onto the steep terraces where broken wooden benches aligned them az far az the eye could see!---Aa looked to see if aa could get to the ‘Toon End’ of the stadium but aa waz on the highest level and the pocket of Toon fans were below in a paddock on the opposite side of the pitch, which waz impossible to get te from where aa waz!



Aa thought aboot askin one of the ‘secret police dibbles’ who were smokin’ tabs in the alleyways, if aa could get to the Toon section, but had second thoughts az they MIGHT just hoy me oot instead and a’d miss the match!---so aa stayed put and kept ‘dumb’ and plonked meesel doon on one of the broken benches with 99,600 screamin’ Ukrainians in every direction aroond iz! (help!)



Many fans were drinkin’ beer in their seats which they’d bought from the kiosks in the concourses---a strange sight which of course isn’t allowed back home!

Just before the match kicked off an ugly woman with a wart on the end of hor nose and wearin’ a heedscarf , came up to me and looked at the seat and said sommik in Russian to me. Thinkin’ she waz tellin’ me that aa waz sittin’ in hor seat aa said sommik in gibberish so az not to give the game away and just shrugged mee shoulders, az she looked on in puzzlement!



She than waalked off cursin’ sommik under hor breath and (thankfully!) went somewhere else!---Phew!---it waz a close caall—but a’d gettin’ away with it!



The game kick off and Kiev started off the brightest and took the lead after just fower minutes when Shay Given waz beaten by Redrov to put the home side one up!

This resulted in the entire crowd jumpin’ up and celebratin’ wildly!---apart from me!---Who just stood there with arms folded, hopin’ that nebody would ‘suss me oot’!?



At aboot the midpoint of the half it waz 2-0 to Kiev when a mistake by Darren Peackock let in Shevchenko who fired in from a tight angle. (More celebrations from the locals and more arm foldin’ from me!)



We picked up the pace a bit in the second half and then with just 12 minutes to gan when a weak shot from John Beresford went through the legs of the Kiev keeper to give us hope of a comeback!

Again aa stood with arms folded, but under baited breath aa was sayin’---“gerrin gerrin!”



And then within seven minutes we were level when ‘savior’ Beresford struck a fine shot which richoshaded off Kiev defender Golovko’s boot and ower the keepers heed to send the small pocket of Toon Army travellers on the other side of the pitch crazy!

Aa tried not to react, but aa had a huge smile on mee face  and then aa got a tap on the shoulder from behind off a Kiev fan who said in broken English---“Yoo Newcastle?”  Aa hesitated for a second but realised a’d ‘been rumbled’----“YES!” aa said sheepishly and unbelieviblee he handed me a pint of beer to drink and shook mee hand!

At last!---“WELCOME TO KIEV!”

But hang on a minute!---wot if he waz a two faced b*****d and had hockled in the beer?

The broon stuff DID look a little too frothy after aall!?---So aa tipped the contents doon a crack in the concrete terraces!--- Aa wasn’t takin’ ANY chances! (hope there waz nebody sittin’ below!???)(ha!-ha!)



A few minutes later the ref blew for full time and we’d got a valuable point to show for it and aa made me way incognito to the nearest exit!



After the match it waz back to a meetin’ point in the main square where we had time for a few ‘liquid refreshments before climbin’ back onto the bus to take us back to Kiev airport and another meetin’ with ‘the secret police dibbles’!



‘Bill Quay Kev’ waz there (Bill Quay iz a village on the banks ‘o’ the Tyne near Pelaw!) and he looked absolutlee knackered with the drink!---“I’M DEVESTATED, FINK!”, he said to me—“AA DIDN’T GET IN ‘TIL HALF TIME AND THEN AA FELL ASLEEP AND MISSED THE MATCH!”---he added az he held his heed in hiz hands! (the demon drink had taken it’s toll!)---

AALL THAT WAY!---TO MISS THE MATCH!!!!



It waz then back on the plane afta anotha two hour or so wait (to let the Toon players ‘jump the queue’ and board their flight yem!) and fower and a half hours later wor ‘day trip to Kiev’ waz complete! 



A memorable day aall roond! (apart from ‘Bill Quay Kev’ that iz!---AALL THAT WAY FOR NOWT!)



Footnote: On mee next visit to Kiev five years later aa actually went in the AWAY END for a change and my claim to fame iz!---a’m the ANLY Toon fan to have been in the Dynamo Kiev HOME AND AWAY END!

It shud aalso be noted that there were NE beggars to be seen on the streets on wor second visit!?---perhaps they were sent to the salt mines!?



©Fink™ (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

Tuesday, 22 May 2018

RAFA STAYS!😊***FOR THE TIME BEING!😨

Posted '4:10pm bells' Tuesday 22nd May 2018

For the benefit of wor thooosands of owerseas reeeders!

The back page of today's 'Ronny-Gill'!

Updated Wednesday
Rafa haz since said that he is STILL to speak to wor owner since the end of the season and iz instead in talks with wor MD known az 'Penfold' to Toon fans!

Monday, 21 May 2018

NUFC PRE SEASON FIXTURES 2018-2019*** LATEST NEWS!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Munday 21st July "er!" May 2018
TRUNGLE PARK, MOUSEHOLE FC

"WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY, THE MICE WILL PLAY!"

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that some pre season friendlies are in the pipeline!

Forst of aall wor U23s squad are due to play in a tournament in deepest Cornwall at a place caalled Mousehole (prenoonced 'Mowsall')
It's a 4 team tournament with 'uddersfield, Bolton, and Mousehole FC the othaa participants in 'The Endorsed Cup'
TRUNGLE PARK, MOUSEHOLE FC
(ON A NON MATCH DAY!)

The tournament will take place at Trungle Park, the home groond of Mousehole FC on Friday July 20th and Saturday 21st July.

Mousehole iz near Penzance and iz just 10 miles from Land's End and iz the MOST SOUTHERLY futbaall groond in Ing-er-land!
(Provided the games don't 'clash' with forst team games, 'The Geordie Times' will be there!----We've done the most northerly groond in Ing-er-land, quite a few times, which iz Scottish Leegue side Berwick Rangers'z Shielfield Park abode!)


Aalso, despite still not knowin' if Rafa will still be here, there are fixtures in the Republic of Ireland v Dublin side St. Patricks Athletic az NUFC are gannin on their annual trainin' camp in Maynooth near Dublin at the beginning of July---there iz no date yet for this match! (Probably in the forst week of July!)
RICHMOND PARK, ST. PATRICKS ATHLETIC FC

There are aalso rumours of games v Celtic and Oporto of Portugal, but we have ne idea if they will be home or away games!

We will of course, keep yoo---wor loyal and faithful reeeders, posted of any forthcomin' pre season fixture news az it happens! 

Sunday, 20 May 2018

HONG KONG PHOOEY!

Posted '10:50am bells' Sunday 20th May 2018
Updated 'high noon bells' Munday

"7 HEAVEN!"

NUFC U21s have reached the final of The Hong Kong Soccer 7s tournament in, "er!", Hong Kong!
We beat Japanese side Kashima Antlers 7-6 in a penalty shoot out in the qwaataa finals and beat Lestaa City in the semis 4-3 with Callum Roberts gettin the 'golden goal' to win it!

We play Rangers in the final sometime today at Hong Kong FCs 'Happy Valley' groond and yoo can rest assured that The Geordie Times will be last to bring yoo the result of that one!
Lets hope its a 'happy' outcome for The Toon!?

Az per usual "Watch this space!" (eventually!)

Updated Munday @ 'high noon bells'

The Toon won the final by beatin Rangers 1-0 at the (very) Happy Valley stadium in Hong Kong!
Callum Roberts woz wor hero again az he scored the anly goal of the game in added time to bring some silverware back to Tyneside!

Well done lads!

Saturday, 19 May 2018

SELF INFLICKED WOUNDS!

Posted '12:55pm bells' Saturday 19th May 2018
THE BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY-GILL'!

A MESSAGE TO WOR ABSENT OWNER!

If ever there woz a reason to tie Rafa to the managers chair St James' Park, then its the fact that if we divvint, we could end up back in The Championship!

In desperation, wor 'beloved'? owner ploughed £15 million of hiz own money (az a loan!) to ensure promotion at the forst attempt!

Had he given that £15 million when we were in The Premyaa Leegue the last time, we might have avoided the dreaded 'drop' and catastrophic <(we naa aall the big words!) 'drop' of income in the 2nd flight!

Instead, we had to get by with inferior managers and get players on 'the cheap' or on loan---and this ultimately cost us in the end! (In more ways than one!)

These were self inflicted wounds by wor owner and the frightenin' news  iz, that if we HADN'T won promotion at the forst attempt, we could have ended up in receivership or worse! (Just look what's happened doon the road!)

Pleeze! Pleeze! divvint make the same misstakes again and give Rafa the funds he needs to move wor great club forward!

Anything else iz unfinkable!

Friday, 18 May 2018

A STAGGERIN' £90,900,000 LOSS FOR BEIN' RELEGATED!

Posted '4:10pm bells' Friday 18th May 2018
The MD's office, SJP

If ever there woz a reason for keepin' Rafa Benitez az manager, it iz the fact that wor relegation in 2016 to The Championship put us ower £90 MILLION QUID in debt, it haz been reported!

The staggerin' difference between The Premyaa Leegue 'gravy train' and The Championship 'lumpy gravy boat', haz been reveeeled by wor MD, known az 'Penfold' to Toon fans!

This woz due to high wages, vastly reduced TV revenue and prize money and turnower woz doon from £125.8 million to £85.7 million!

This woz despite average gates of 51,108 az well!

50,000 fans who regulary gan, plus anotha million or so who watch from afar, KNOW that its imperative that we keep Rafa, or else it will 'aall unravel' yet again and we will end up with some 'toss-pot' in charge like Joke Kinnear!(God forbid!)

Wor beloved owner, known 'affectionately'? az 'The Fat Controller' to Toon fans!, seems to be the anly one who can't see the consequences, should we gan doon again!

One piece of good news iz that West Ham are seemingly after Pellegrini instead of Rafa az their forst choice for new manager now, to replace 'Misery Guts Moyes'!

Lets hope so for aall wor sakes!

"Are yoo readin' this 'Fat Controller'!?"

Thursday, 17 May 2018

'JELLIED EELS MOB' AFTER RAFA!

Posted '1:11pm bells' Thorsday 17th May 2018
"THE OWNERS OFFICE, SOMEWHERE
WITHIN THE BOWELS OF ST. JAMES' PARK!"

News that 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham are tryin to 'tap up' Rafa to be their new manager after sackin 'Misery Guts Moyes', haz finally reached 'The Geordie Times'! (1 day late via carrier pigeon!)

3 weeks of negotiations between the NUFC hierarchy and Rafa aboot funds available are STILL on gannin?

How the hell it takes 3 weeks to say: "Yes you can have the funds!" OR! "No you cant!", iz beyond us!

We shall surely find oot by the end of this month, no doubt, one way or the other!

NUFC are playin a game of 'Russian roulette' (again!) with Rafa!

We await the outcome with trepidation!😨


Wednesday, 16 May 2018

"NO GO FOR JONJO!---OR JAMAAL!"

Posted '3:00pm bells' Wednesday 16th May 2018


"RUSHAA WHERE ARE YOU!?"


Az expected Jonjo Shelvey and Jamaal Lascelles have been snubbed by Gareth Southgate for Ing-er-land's World Cup 23 man squad for Rushaa!

Selfishly, Ing-er-land's loss iz actually a plus point for 'The Toon' az they cannit get injured watchin it on the telly! (Can they?)

Southgate iz yet anothaa failed manager, havin' been sacked by 'The Smoggies' from Middlesbrough not so lang ago!
He got them relegated in 2008, and finally jettisoned by them in 2009, after a run of just 1 win in 18 in The Championship!
--And so therefore he iz perfectly qualified for the Ing-er-land job and to bore us to death, with hiz negative futbaall tactics!  "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"😴

We will fail miserably again anyway, so mebeez its a blessin in disguise that they won't be gannin!

FAT SAM THE UGLY MAN CARRIES THE CAN!

Posted '1:00pm bells' Wednesday 16th May 2018

Formaa Toon and SMB manager 'Fat Sam the Ugly Man' haz been sacked yet again, this time by Evaatin aftaa just 7 months in charge!
Hiz borin' sterile futbaall would send anybody to sleep!
"ZZZZzzzz!!!!"

He will of course get anothaa bumper payoot, said to be in region of £6 million quid this time!

Not bad for a failed manager who haz won "F*** aall" at the numerous clubs he haz managed! (The nearest he haz come to a major trophy iz a Leegue Cup final DEFEAT to 'The Smoggies', when he woz manager at Bolton!) 

And contrary to populat belief he HAZ been relegated az a manager ---with Notts Coonty in 1997!

He iz laughin' aall the way to the bank yet again!
Who's next? we ask worsels!

WELL!  Its just been annoonced that 'Misery Guts Moyes' who failed miserably at the SMBs haz been sacked by West Ham, again, after just 7 months in charge!

Aalso, its reported that alang with 'Fat Sam', anothaa one of wor failed managers haz LANDED a job at QPR---Namely <'The Wally with the Brolly'!


The managerial merry-go-round just gans on and on!---and on!😨

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