Monday 13 July 2020

069 palmerston park queen of the south

Date of First Visit: 4th AUGUST 1984


ATTENDANCE 2,000 (500 Toon fans)


Mary-queen of the south? 

"69's THE BEST WAY!"

The Toon's 'Grand Tour of Scotland' in the summer of '84' kicked off at the 'grandly' titled 'Queen of the South' which is situated in the toon of Dumfries a few miles ower the border from Carlisle.
A 'boat load' of us met up at 'the Central' and crammed into the back of a battered tranny van and on the way up we picked 'Grumpy Stumpy' up from his granneez hoose in Throckley.

The van was an 'aad wreck' with nee seats in the back (Er!---apart from a couple of beer crates!) and two of the company who were 'on the hoy' aalready (and who shall remain nameless!) decided that they urgently needed to gan to the 'tool shed' and procceded tih get a 'gypsies kiss' on the side of the van!.

The driver, (Aka: ME!----who did'nt want the van covered in p**s!) drove off suddenly at high speed!, leavin' them in full view of Stumpy's gran's livin' room window, danglin' their d***s! in one hand (whilst still drinkin' their cans of Broon with the otha!)
(ER!---change that tih 'nameless and SHAMEless'!)

'Stumpy', to say the least waz NOT! a 'happy bunny' and he tried to shield his gran from the 'horror show' by usin' his 'flab'uous frame' to stand in front of hor! (NOT! a pretty sight!)----(ER!,the lads gettin' a 'gypsies'!)--- (NOT!-Stumpys' frame!)
He was now dyin' of accute embarrassment! and (very!) quickly said hiz 'goodbyes' to his 'shell-shocked' granny and hoyed himsel into the 'tranny', tellin' iz to 'move it', 'sharp'ish'!
and so 'off we sped'!

The best way to get there was alang the A69 via 'Hadrians Waall' and as coincidence would have it, this was mee 69th groond watchin' 'The Toon' in action.
The toon of Dumfries, (as we soon foond oot!) waz a drinkers paradise!, with scores of drinkin' dens nestlin' on the riverside and beyond. BUT!--- more importantly!--- it was within easy reach of the groond, who's floodlights could be seen in the distance.

Newcastle had just won promotion back to the 'top flight', and expectations were high followin' 'Special 'K's (Kevin Keegan's) premature retirement at the end of the previous season.
Durin' the close season, manager Arthur Cox had sensationally resigned, and 'Big Jack' Charlton had been instaalled as the new manager, and this was his forst game in charge.

A total of ten of us had travelled from Tyneside in the 'aad wreck', which was tih be wor home for the next couple of days!.
The 'interminable ten' (wharrever that meenz?) dived oot the van and into the forst 'waaterin' hole', appropriately named, 'The Hole in the Wall'!, where the forst 'liquids' went doon 'without touchin' the sides'!
If mee memory sorves iz well, the 'ten', were---lang haired Mac, Marty, Santy Sant, Windy Wind, Grumpy Stumpy, Ronny the Hunter, Tex Taylor, Bob 'Patter', meesel and Jimmy the Mask, (so caalled coz he aalways looked like he was wearin' a clowns mask!)

After de'in 'The Grand Tour' of the 'Dives of Dumfries', it waz time tih gan tih the game, so wih trundled across the river and heeded for the floodlights.
Like aa say, expectations were high for the new season---but!, they would soon be dashed by the boys from Dumfries. (Reeed on!)

The groond was'nt as bad as a'd expected with cover on three sides, although the 'side' opposite us (knaan locally az 'The Jimmy Jolly Bullshed'---would you beleeeve!?) waz cordoned off because the roof waz unsafe (apparently)

The Toon had several chances orly on, with the best faallin' to Kenny Wharton, who blasted a shot which rebounded off the woodwork to full back Alan Broon, (Brown!) who, 'skied' the simple chance before him (some six yards oot!) and hit it way ower the bar!

Aa waz sittin' next to an 'old timer' in the main stand, and he telt iz that he'd followed 'Queens' since the club was founded in 1919, and that he had'nt missed a home game in aall that time!, which is quite some record.
He'd started gannin when he was five years aad, and sixty five years later he was still gannin. (Now that's what aa CAALL! a supporter!)

His lifetime of loyalty was rewarded soon after Broon's miss, when a deflected shot came off a Toon player and a grateful Queen's forward (who's name I have nee relection of!) slotted the baall past Kevin 'Carzzy' Carr in the Newcastle goal!
That's the way it stayed till the break and 'Big Jack' waz not pleezed az he stormed off doon the tunnel, tihwards the dressin' rooms!

We! (on the otha hand!) 'stormed' towards the 'tool shed' and on the way back we took a wrang turnin' and ended up in the players hospitality lounge!-----There was loads of scran on a huge table and this was an opportunity not to be missed!---- SO! (az yih de!) we got 'stuck in' to the wares on offer!
'Big Jack' suddenly stuck his heed around the corner and he was 'non too pleeezed' to see us 'scrannin' HIS! half time buffet as he stood there slurpin' a cup of 'John McNamee'! (remember him???)
He just gave us one of those: 'What the F*** are yeez lot de'in in here, nickin aall mee scran'---looks!, as he took a swig from his cup, before disappearin' with a cheese stotty back towards the dressin' rooms in a rage!

Hiz half time 'bollockin' obviously did the trick az within ten minutes of the restart, Peter Beardsley had chipped the Queen of the South keeper to put wih back on level torms.
Things however went doonhill from this point and the game 'petered' oot and finished one's a piece!
(The best 'move of the match' waz actually made az the ref blew for full time, when we made for the nearest booza a few hundred yards from the groond, next tih the river!)
Not a good start for 'Big Jacks' reign!

Queen of the South, incidently, are so caalled because the toon of Dumfries is known as Scotlands 'fair queen of the south', but rumours persist that it was because Mary 'Queen of Scots' used to live in a  medival castle owerlookin' Palmerston Park!. (SO!---nuw yih naa!.) (or divvint naa?--az the case may be???)

After the match wih headed for the toon centre where's there's loads of ale hooses, and decided (en-mass) tih get totally 'rat-arsed', before retirin' tih wih 'luxury'? 'five star' hotel at 'chuckin' oot time'. (aboot one 'o' clock in the mornin'!)
Before we 'retired' some of the company decided tih gan for a 'quick naked dip' in the river!---NOT! a good idea az it waz f***** freeeezzzin'!

'Windy' waz SO! blotto, he took his 'kit' off and dived in with just his socks on! (he forgot to tek them off!) and was the last to get oot.
This was unfortunate for him as the local 'Dibble' were waitin' next to the bridge as he staggered oot the river and they hoyed him in a 'meat wagon' and 'carted' him off to the local nick!
(We were luckier and 'evaded capture' and scarpered!)

We were playin' 'Hibs' at Easter Road the next day, so we staggered back to 'THE 'HOTEL VAN TRANSIT', for a few hours 'beauty sleep'!-------ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!

(The Grand Tour of Scotland----end of Part One---Part Two to follow!)

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