(GROUND NUMBER 86)
Date of First Visit: 8th AUGUST 1988
DENS PARK, DUNDEE
NEWCASTLE UNITED 0
THE DUNCLAIRE DISPENSERS CHALLENGE TROPHY! (Honest!)
ATTENDANCE 4,820 (1,000 Toon fans)
"IT'S A GIRL!"-----"IT'S A GIRL!"----"IT'S A GIRL!"
Meesel and 'Sensible Tony' went tih 'this one' in mee 'jam jar' and the 'plan' was tih get some digs in Dundee and so that ah could have a 'good gargel' before (and after!) the match before drivin' back the next day.
The drive up tih 'Crocodile Country' (work it oot!) via the Forth and Tay bridges took aboot fower hours and az wih parked up in the centre of Dundee ah noticed that mee trip switch on mee mileometer had clocked up 188 miles. And as the match was bein' played on the 8th of the 8th—'88' aa had visions of wih winnin' by 8 goals!
Wih foond some digs straight away, not far from the train station where a'd left mee 'jalopy' (in the car park---NOT! on the platform!) and the manager, who was the forst porson that wi'd spoken tee telt wih that he came from JARROW of aall places!, which tih be honest was a (wee!) bit dissapointin', az wi'd expected tih be greeted by some 'Jock' shootin', "OCH AYE THE NOO JIMMY!", and NOT!, "WHERE ARE YEEZ FROM, LIKE?", which was his actual response tih wor accents!.
(Aaltogether nuw---"MY NAME IZ GEORDIE MACINTYRE!"----"AND THE BAIRNS DON'T EVEN HAVE A FIRE!")
(ER!---mebeez not---crap f***** song!)
Anyway!---wih plonked wor bags doon, had a quick wash 'n' brush up', and heeded for the nearest 'waaterin' hole' come restaurant which was very handily placed just ower the road.
Az well az bein' very thorsty we were 'Hank Marvin' az well, so wih ordered a very nice 'T' bone steak with aall the trimmins tih wash the 'Arthur Scargills' doon! (az yih de!) and aa have ti say that it was the best 'Desperate Dan' a'd ever had and we were very bloated (ti say the least!) as we made for the exit. (very appropriate as 'Desperate Dan' comes from Dundee!)
After a 'toby' aroond the bars in the afternoon wih decided tih heed for the groond which iz in Tannadice Street.
If yih naa anythin' aboot futbaall, yill naa that Dundee United AALSO! play in Tannadice Street, within a hundred yards 'hocklin' distance' infact!
It's a weird situation when yih forst see it for yihsel az yih waalk up the hill towards the groond(s)!, Tannadice Park iz on the reet and Dens Park iz slap bang in front of yih.
|"YI CANNIT GET MUCH CLOSER THAN THIS!---LIKE!"|
It's hard tih imagine the Toon and
the mackems playin' in the same street!----infact it's the ULTIMATE
'room 101' nightmare senario!-----FULL F***** STOP........!
There was a booza up the hill in between the groonds so that's where wih heeded and bumped intih some aad drinkin' aquaintences from the Toon. ('Nutty Norman', 'Budgie', etc. etc.!)
"THE FOG ON THE TAY IS ON IT'S WAY!"
Soon it was time tih gan tih the match and az we approached the groond thick fog started rollin' in from the 'Tay'.
Toon manager Willie McFaul had been spendin' heavily in the pre season transfer market and amongst his recruits were Wimbledon hero Dave Beasant who'd saved the forst ever penalty in the 1988 FA Cup against red hot Liverpool tih ultimately help them win the cup and his team mate midfielder Andy Thorn. (These were the final pieces of McFauls 'jigsaw' tih win the League title for the Toon. (so we were telt!---see 'footnote')
'Sensible Tony' had managed tih cadge a couple of complimentary 'bat 'n' wickets' off one of the players and we took up wor positions in the main stand az kick off time approached.
It was a weird 'L' shaped wooden structure which looked like it had been built in the 'dark ages' (ie: pre World War One!) and it sat 'astride' of the half way line.
It was with great antisipation that we kicked off for az far az the Toon were concerned as this (as mentioned!) was supposed to be the 'dawnin' of wor new era' and Dundee were mere 'cannon foder' in this pre season waam up! (Again!---read on!) (OR! perhaps---divvint!)
It did'nt tek lang for wor 'title dreams' tih be shattered when Dundee took the lead afta a dreadful mix up in the Toon's new defence (canny start!) and the thoosand or so 'diehards' in the open away end got that feelin' of 'da va ju' once again!
(In otha words---"WIV SEEN IT AALL BEFORE!")
Surely it could'nt get any worse??---DIVVINT YEE BET!---IT DID!, when 'The Taysiders' got a second az the fog totally enveloped the pitch.
It was at this juncture that ah wished that the 'Tayside Mist' would de wih aall a big favour and get the match abandoned, but az it was anly a friendly the ref decided that the game could continue till the bitter end! (mee 8 goal 'dream' was certainly in tatters!)
By full time yih could hardly see owt anyway, which!---was just az well in the circumstances and things did'nt bode well for the forthcomin' League opener away tih Everton.
O.K.---this was just a daft friendly with nowt tih play for, but sommik in 'mee bones' telt iz that it was NOT! gannih be wor season!
From there wih went from bar tih bar until it was 'chuckin oot time' and then to a night club just up the road from wor digs.
'Sensible Tony', who was canny sorved by nuw said sommik to a fat ugly 'boiler' who was with hor bloke, az we were tryin' tih get in.
It was'nt very complimentary with 'words' bein' exchanged and it then torned oot that shih knew aall the 'Desperate Dan' size booncers on the door az well! (it must have been a rough dive as there were three of them!)
It was time tih make 'A Sharp' exit!, so ah dragged Tony away just before he was aboot to 'smack' a booncer, as aall hell would have been let loose and aa didn't fancy spendin' a neet in eetha the local 'nick', or!--- in the worst case scenario!---'Dundee Royal Infirmary' with a 'broken bugle'! instead of 'Jarrow Boys' digs! (he's NOT! caalled 'Sensible Tony' for nothin'!)
We then 'staggered' back in the thick fog and somehow managed to find wor digs for some much needed kip-----"ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz!!!!"
"THE DUCHESS OF PORK---AND AALL THAT!"
Next day the fog had completelee disappeared and brilliant sunshine greeted us as we we opened the bedroom curtains and afta 'brekkies' we were off on the retorn jorney back to Tyneside.
There was ne bypass for Edinburgh in them days and so we had ne choice but to drive back through the Scottish capital
Az we were drivin' through the 'Leith' part of Edinburgh, listenin' tih the music on Radio Scotland (NOT! Andy Stewert by the way!) the programme waz suddenly interupted by a news-flash from England.
"We interupt this programme to give you some joyous news!", the announcer said in an excited voice!--- "Buckingham Palace are
delighted to report that The Duchess of Pork' haz dropped a sprog!" (or words to that effect!?) "It's a girl and she waz born
We were stationary at some traffic lights at the time and next to a bus stop full of waitin' passengers, when 'Sensible Tony' who was wearin' just his Newcastle Broon Ale boxer shorts because of the hot weather, opened the car door---jumped oot wavin' his arms aboot and started shoutin' at the top of his voice: "IT'S A GIRL!---IT'S A GIRL!---IT'S A GIRL!", towards the startled passengers who must of thought he'd just escaped from the 'Edinburgh and District Loonatic Asylum'!
The lights then changed to green and aa shouted, "Tony!—get back in the f*****' car!, quick!, the lights have changed!", and he jumped back in!
As aa looked through the rear view mirror aa could see them at the bus stop, aall lookin' in total amazement and bewilderment as we sped off doon the road!------IT WAS CLASSIC MAAN!—CLASSIC! (a moment in time aa'll NEVA EVER forget!)
Footnote: We lost the League opener at Everton by 4-0 and instead of winnin' the League we were relegated at the end of the season! (like aa say "WIV SEEN IT AALL BEFORE!!!")
Geordie Glossary of Terms and Phrases (for the benefit of 'non Geordie' readers) (in the order that they appear)
Hank Marvin=starving ('Hank' was a Geordie member of 1960's pop group 'The Shadows')
Arthur Scargills=gargles=beers ('Arthur' was the miners leader in the 1970's)
Desperate Dan=scran=food ('Dan' appears in the 'Beano' comic which is printed in Dundee) (or was it the 'Dandy'?)
Hocklin' distance=spitting distance
Bat 'n' wicket=ticket
Broken bugle=broken nose