268 welfare ground hetton le hole (v s/land reserves)

(GROUND NUMBER 268)

Date of First Visit: 21st JANUARY 2009

WELFARE GROUND, HETTON LE HOLE
(aka 'The Stadium De Hole'!)

mACKEM RESERVES  1

NEWCASTLE UNITED RESERVES  2  (Ranger, Godsmark)

FA PREMIER RESERVE LEAGUE NORTH

ATTENDANCE: 1,516  (not many Toon fans!)

“FOR JONEZEE!”

It was a very sad day for aall concerned as this was aalso the day of Jonezee’s funeral at Tynemouth crem orlier on that mornin’. Jonezee had sadly passed away a fortneet orlier
He had a black ‘n’ white striped coffin and his family’s request that mourners should wear sommik black ‘n’ white was observed by all and showed his loyalty for the club. He’d anly missed one home game in forty years and had’nt missed a weekend away game in aall that time eetha, visitin’ ower 100 different groonds in the process to watch The Toon!

(A ‘TRUE SUPPORTER’! who will be sadly missed by all!)

THIS MATCH REPORT AND VICTORY IS DEDICATED TO HIM!  

After the funeral we heeded for the Waallsend Comrades Club where Jonezee spent

many an hour ‘on the hoy’ to reminisce and to have some (Er!---several!) drinks in his memory!

Wor final ‘port o call’ before heedin’ to the ‘resorve derby’ was the Newcastle Arms in the Toon before cadgin’ a lift with ‘The Mad Professor’ doon to Eppleton FC in Hetton the Hole which was the mackems new ‘second string venue’ for this season. (It shud be noted that ‘Grumpy Stumpy’ opted to stay in the warmth of the bar for a few extra ciders, rather than brave the elements of coonty durham with us!) (part time sensible B******!)

“WEEZ TREES ARE THEEZE!”

On arrival in Hetton the Hole ◄(NO!---this is’nt a misprintt!---it IS! a f*****’ ‘Hole’) we homed in on the floodlights and parked in a street up the hill from the groond.

An aad biddy wearin’ a heedscarf was standin’ at hor front gate and asked us if the game was aall ticket and then telt us in the next breath before we could reply, that shih thought it was!

“Hope not pet!”----“WE haven’t got any!”, The Mad Professor replied as we worriedly heeded for the tornstiles

The ‘panic’ was soon ower as it was ‘pay at the gate’ and aa handed the gadgie a twenty poond note for the three quid admission fee. He looked at the note as though he’d neva eva seen one before? and said in a broad mackem twang-----

“Az tha noowt less, tha naaz?” (Geordie translation:”Have yi got nowt smaaller, like?”)

“NO!”, said ‘I’.    “Az al av tih gih yi yi change in puund cuins az av got ney notes!”, (“aal have ti give yi yi change in poond coins as av got ne notes!”)  he added, az he handed iz  the ticket and plonked SEVENTEEN! poond coins in mee mit! (they obviously have’nt seen fivers or ten poond notes roond theeze parts, eetha!)

It was nuw time to heed for the clubhouse as it was f*****’ freezin’ by this time.

“It’s my torn for the drinks!”, aa said to the lads az aa got mee torn in (and more importantleee, got rid of some of the ‘shrapnel’ that was weighin’ doon mee trooser pockets) and gave ‘Dave from York’ a refreshin’ pint of ‘Stones Gold’, a new beer for him.

Now Dave, you see, is on a one man mission this season----a ‘mission’ to drink as many different named pints as he can! and like a smaall child he gleefully entered the new beer in his notebook, nearly snappin’ his Ladbrokes pen in the process as he did so! (he’s an very old OAP actually!) (Old Aged Piss-artist!)

“That’s mee 150th different beer so far watchin’ The Toon!”, he said in a treblin’ voice as he shook the said ‘liquid refreshment’ excitedly in his mit! (NO!---we’re NOT! caalled the sad b******s for nothin’!)

It was soon time to heed for the terraces and by this time it had started to rain so we took shelter under some trees on the far side of the pitch as the smaall main stand opposite was chocker block.

A quick look at the team sheet brought a mackem scurryin ower towards iz for a look at who was playin’. “Uwz wa numbih sivin tha naaz?” (“who’s wor number seven, like?) he asked, obviously thinkin’ that aa was ‘one of them’! (god forbid!)

He had a quick look before heedin’ for the perimeter fence to tell his mate.

The match kicked off and aa once more took the team sheet from mee sky rocket as aa was’nt sure of a couple of wor players.

Like a ‘red rag to a bull’ the sight of the A4, one page team sheet again brought another mackem from the trees beside us, askin’ for a look!  (needless to say---aa did’nt fancy this gannin on aall the time, so!, aa kept it under ‘tight wraps’ afta that and it remained in mee trooza pocket for the rest of the match!) 

Just a few minutes after the kick off the sleet started comin’ doon and wor otha travellin’ companion ‘The Caped Crusader’, who was standin’ next to ‘The Mad Professor’ at the front, was shakin’ with the cold and was wavin’ his arms aboot to try and keep waam, but it was a futile exercise in the inclement conditions.

However!---after twenty minutes he did have ‘good reason’ to wave his arms aboot when wor bizarrely named number nine, Nile Ranger put the Toon in front with a nicely placed heeder from a Mark Doninger corner kick.

Unfortunately, the home side levelled just after this when Toon goalie Frazer Forster parried a shot, anly for the mackem number nine to tap home. The loudspeaker then boomed oot that David Dowson had scored for them!-----a name a’m not unfamiliar with as aa used to knock aboot with a Toon fan of the same name in the seventies!

(it definitely was’nt him!)

At half time we heeded back to the warmth of the clubhoose to quensh wor thirsts where aa bumped into a Toon fan who aa naa caalled Wayne.

He actually lives in Hetton and telt us that ‘The Hole’ was 101% mackem and point 1% Geordie (ie: HIM!)

The second period started with wind, rain and sleet to greet us on wor retorn to ‘The Weez Trees Embankment’ (as it was now known!) but as there were ne leaves on the branches it gave us virtually zero protection from the incessant downpour. (and so ‘in effect!’---it was f*****’ pointless standin’ there!???)

Five mins after the restart torned oot to be the tornin’ point of the game in wor favour, when the mackems had a goal disallowed for offside. The resultin’ free kick was quickly taken by  The Toon and Jonny Godsmark raced into home penalty area and latched onto a James Taylor through baall (na- not the singer!) to slam the baall into the net for wot torned oot to be the winner! (which brought muted applause from the sparse Toon followin’!)

An aad mackem gadgie aged aboot 75, who was wearin’ a pair of ‘Joe 90’ specs complete with beer glass bottomed lenses, then rushed towards the perimeter fence to remonstrate with the referee ower the legality of the goal, wavin’ his ‘Gregory Pecks’ menacingly towards the official, shoutin’, “ah think thaa neids theeze, ref!” (“aa think yi need glasses, ref!”)---but it was tooo late!---(ha! ha!) and the goal stood!---2-1!

More incidents were to follow when a mackem midfielder was sent off 12 mins from time for a second bookable offence and then in the last minute of the game The Toon’s Hungarian number 6 Tamas Kagar tragically broke his leg after he went doon in the box. This added TEN minutes injury time to the match and we prayed that we would hold oot as the rain and sleet lashed doon!-------we did!---to claim the victory for Jonezee! ----This was for you mate!  R.I.P.

©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)