THE TOON 1 THE CANARY CUSTARD CREAMS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2021-2022

 Posted 'high noon bells' Thorzday 2nd December 2021

"SELF INFLICTED WOUNDS!"

The game against Nohrich woz there to be won, but Ciaran Clark had other ideas and got himself sent off in the 9th minute for a daft 'pull-back' of Teemu Pukki, who woz clean through on goal! 

This woz after Clark had made a botched clearance, just to make it a bit  more difficult for us!  That meant we had to survive 81 minutes with 10 men---an uphill battle we didnt need!

We survived til half time withoot a single shot on goal and wor visitors were even worse!

The breakthrough came in the 61st minute when a Nohrich player woz adjudged to have handled the baall in the box---and after a lang VAR check and massive protest from their players, the ref went ower to look at the monitor and he gave the penalty, much to the annoyance of the away side and ex Toon goalie Tim Krul.

Callum Wilson took it after some antics by Krul to put him off, but he woz unable to keep the shot oot, despite gettin a hand to it and pushin the baall onto the underside of the cross bar at 'The Gallowgate End'!

The roof lifted off the groond when it went in and the anly question left woz 'can we keep a clean sheet' for once and hold on for the win?

Unfortunately NOT, az Dubravka in The Toon goal parried the baall in the 79th minute from a harmless lookin cross, instead of tryin to catch it or punch it clear at The Leazes End---and The Canary's Pukki woz onhand to fired home the equalizer, to the despair of most of the 50,000 present---but NOT for the 800 or so Nohrich diehards who had made the difficult jorney north!

They then went for the winner, but thankfully Dubravka redeemed himself with a couple of great saves and in the end we were hangin on for 'dear life'!

ONE point lifts gives us 7 points from 14 games and nee wins of course, az we gan into December withoot a victory to wor name, which iz by far and away the worst run in wor entire history!

Can we escape???---Who knows, but Bornley are next up on Saturday and (az we repeated many times before) its a must, must, must win game!

'Self inflicted wounds' were wor downfaall this time, so lets hope we can keep 11 players on the pitch to give us a fightin chance against Bornley, who are 3rd bottom!? 

Attendance: 50,757 

*PS: Sorry aboot the delay in puttin this game online, but aa woz rushed off mee feet yesterday and just didnt have time!

THE TOON v NOHRICH MATCH REPORT WILL BE LATE!----VERY LATE!!!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 1st December 2021

Due to unforeseen circumstances the Nohrich match report will not appear here til tomorrow!

This IZ The Geordie Times---wot did yoo expect!?

THE TOON v DELIA'Z CANARY CUSTARD CREAMS *** TOONEET AT '7:30 BELLS'!

 Posted '3:30pm bells' Tuesday 30th November 2021

"MUST!--MUST!---MUST!---MUST!---WIN!"

You've hord of 'must win games' before ----but this reeely IZ a 'must win game', for failure to do so and not win against Bornley on Saturday at home az well, will make wor survival bid aalmost impossible with games in December against 'The Basil Brush Brigade' of Lestaa, 'The Liverbirds' and both Manc clubs, which we expect will bring ZERO points!

The January transfor window iz wor anly hope of avoidin the drop az half wor current squad played in The Championship in 2016!

But which quality players would come to a team, that more than likely would be relegated???----A release clause at the end of the season if we do gan doon iz one option?

The poison legacy of 'The Fat Controller's failure to sanction the signin of more players in the summer iz provin to be devastatin', with nee wins in 13 Premyaa Leegue games so far!

Last summer wor then MD 'Penfold' said that on the form guide from the season before, we were fifth best team in wor last nine games, and that the squad woz therefore strong enough to finish in the top half of the table this season!---How wrang he woz!!!! 

Az of 'high noon bells' today, there were 178 home tickets available for tooneets game with Nohrich, who are bringin aroond aboot 1,000 fans with them from East Anglia, oot of the 3,000 tickets available!

One section iz segregated and so by wor calculations a crowd of just ower 50,000 will be present at SJP!  The fact that we can get that number through the tornstiles iz amazin', considerin wor plight!

The fact that NUFC are the richest futbaall club in the world makes nee difference with the current weak squad, az wor hands are tied behind wor backs until January!

The fact that we could gan into December withoot a solitary win under wor belt iz unbelievable and Eddie Howe (or anybody else for tht matter), can't make bad players good, ne matter how much yoo try on the trainin' groond!

Lets hope we are not cut adrift by then!----3 points pleeeeze, tooneet and Saturday!

Az per usual a full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Wedinzday!

THE ARSE 2 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2021-2022

 Posted just after 'high noon bells' onwards, Sunday 28th November 2021

"TO HELL AND BACK!"👹

Part One: "The jorney TO hell (1)!"

Mee mobile 'telling bone' rang  on Friday afternooon and it woz mee mate 'Big Al' (NOT the sheet metal workers son!)

He told me that wor train to London at '5:59 bells' on the Saturday mornin could be cancelled because of 'storm Alwyn' which woz predicted would bring 100mph gales and very heavy rain and snow!

A change of plan woz needed so 'Al' booked us on the '9:15 bells' on the same neet, hopin that it would take us to London!----The anly problem woz we had nee digs booked for an owerneet stay and would probably have to 'waalk the streets' when we got there at '1:30am bells'!

Aa met him in The Town Mouse micro pub for a few 'liquid lubrications' before heedin for The Central to (hopefully?) catch wor 'night train to 'the smoke'! <(The nickname for London)

Anyway!--- We left 'The Mouse' and had to endure torrential rain and gale force winds on the 10 minute waalk for wor train!

We were like drowned rats (or shud that be 'mice', since we'd been drinkin in a boozer of that name?) by the time we reached the shelter of the station roof and very luckily wor train WOZ'NT cancelled (unlike many others) and so 'on we got' for the torturous 300 mile jorney south, with speed restrictions in place of 50mph or much less, because of the high winds!----Ower 4 hours later we arrived at King's Cross after wot seemed like a lifetime on the train! (which woz virtually empty, coz they said 'don't travel' on the notices!

'Mal the Inglish skoool teechaa' (hiz spellin' NOT mine!) who had went doon in the afternooon, had booked himself into a hotel in Finchley(north London) and had managed to change it to a triple room, so we had somewhere to sleep!

We arrived by taxi at '2:15 bells', 'aall washed up' and £37 lighter in wor pockets after the taxi ride of 6 or 7 miles!

We were shattered by this time and plonked worselz doon on the beds and went to sleep aalmost immediately! "ZZZzzz!!!"😴

We awoke at '8:00 am bells' to heed for Holborn by tube and the kip hadn't done me much good, az aa felt like a'd been dragged backwards through a hedge 37 times! (The 12 pints and the soakin' the previous day had certainly taken its toll!!!)

The Shakespeare woz wor destination, which iz next to Holborn tube station for some much needed 'scran' and some more 'ale' (will we never learn!?)

Part Two: "The Stadium from Hell!"

It woz soon time to heed for The Emirates Stadium, for wot would be wor 15th or 16th visit?  The away end woz half empty az the game kicked off at '12:30 bells' (coz the trains were late of course--and some cancelled!) and we held wor own for most of the forst half, with Shelvey hittin the bar after a lang range effort woz tipped onto it by the Arseholes goalie!----Then a shirt pull on Schar in the box wasnt spotted by Atwell the ref or VAR----That woz it from 'us' az the home side missed a couple of good chances to take the lead!  By this time wor end woz virtually full apart from 2 seats next to me, which shud have been occupied by 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' and 'Jimmy the Riddler'! (Just why they couldnt put the kick off time back so that those on the delayed trains could get there for the start, iz shockin' and a total disregard for the travellin fans!)

We were in row 10 near the front and wor seats were soaken with the rain and yes we were VERY wet! (Another 'drowned rat'/'mouse' experience---which they missed!!) 

Unfortunately 'Blondie' and 'Jimmy' live 'in the sticks' and were unable to get to Durham station in time to catch their train!

The 2nd half I'm afraid woz wor downfall az The Arse pressed for the forst goal!----It wasnt lang in comin and in the  55th minute Saka hit a great shot across the box to beat Martin Dubravka in The Toon goal!

It woz soon 2-0 to the home side, scored by Martiell and 'curtains' for NUFC who have now lost on wor previous 11 visits to this venue and its SEVEN years since we actually scored a goal here (Perez in 2014!) Aalso a foul on Wilson in the box woz waved away by the ref and just why VAR didnt check this iz anybodys guess!?

After the 2nd goal went it The Arse fans taunted us with chants of: "You're rich, but you're f**kin' sh*t!"  (Reality check!)

'The Stadium from Hell', az far az we are concerned!

ATTENDANCE: 59,886 (3,000 very tired Toon fans!)

Part Three: "The Jorney FROM hell (2)!"

It woz back to King's Cross after the game where were booked on the '4:30 bells' train yem!  WE were told by a train crew member that we COULD get on a train that left at '3:30 bells' az travel plans and restrictions were NOT in place!----We settled doon in forst class, anly to be told ower the train loudspeakers that we MUST now travel on wor original trains!---We were forced to get off and heeded for The Parcel Yard boozer for some more 'ale' before retornin to catch the '4:30 bells'!

We were supposed to be in coach 'L' but there woz NEE coach 'L' and so we grabbed some seats in coach 'K' (1st class)

Some young Toon fans aged aboot 19 to 25 got on and sat in some other seats behind us, carryin bottles of wine and spirits and they were obviously on drugs az well! (The didn't have 1st class tickets, but there were nee ticket checks!?)  They spent the next 5 hours tryin to sing crap songs at the top of their voices and banging on the tables and windows, az they got drunker and drunker by the minute! (there woz nee escape!)

Neebody from the train crew came to try and calm them doon and from past experiences its a waste of time to try and tell anybody on drink and drugs to act sensibly!----On top of that there woz NEE food or drinks services, which yoo normally get if yoo have a forst class ticket!  (We assumed that this woz because of the idiots behind us and they didnt want any confrontations !)

There woz aalso a fight in the next carriage where one fans got punched in hiz face by a fellow mortal Toon fan!

A'v been travellin' to Toon games on trains for ower 50 years and this, woz the worst trip EVER, for certain! (We have applied for a full refund!- I didn't buy any food or drink for the train, az I expected to be fed and watered and woz starving by the time we got back!)

Anyway!---after nearly 5 hours of 'noise pollution hell', we arrived back in The Toon and aa jumped onto mee bus yem, with none of them on board! (peace porfect peace!)

PS: Az an old mate caalled Dinzzy added: "We were aalways drunk az 'billy goats' when we were younger, but never wanted to fight nee f**ker!"( And never fight or annoy wor own fans eethaa, Dinzzy!)

The train company's have a slogan to report abuse on trains: "See it, say it, sorted!"  When it shud say: See it, say it, sort f**k all!"

'THE GEORDIE TIMES'---A GROVELLIN' APOLOGEEE!

We said that 'storm Alwyn' had disrupted wor travel plans, when it woz n fact 'storm Arwen'!---- We apologize Profusely to 'storm Arwen' for any distress caused by wor misinformation!

THE ARSE v THE TOON *** TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

 Posted from '12:28pm bells' onwards, Friday 26th November 2021

"HOWE'S ABOUT THAT, THEN!"

News reaches The Geordie Times that Eddie Howe WILL be present in wor dugoot at The Emirates Stadium tomorrow after he tested negative for covid!  This of course will be the forst time that Ed haz been in the dugoot az he watched hiz forst game in charge v Brentfaad in hiz hotel room, az he had had the dreaded positive test!

Lets hope that he can instill some belief in wor side that haz now went 13 games from the start of the season withoot one solitary win! (includin the Leegue Cup)---The worst record in the entire Futbaall Leegue, az we are the anly one oot of the 92 not to win a game! (134 if yoo include the Scottish leegues!)

We have sold wor allocation of 3,000 tickets and we will be settin off from The Central (station) at 6:00am bells! (alarm set for '4:30 bells'!) (Er!---that's 3 of us NOT 3,000!)  

It iz 11 years since we last won here and 7 years since we last score here!---And we have now lost '10 in a row' at this venue!

So that's an easy 3 points then!?????

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Sunday!---Az per usual --- "Watch this space!"

RED LIGHT AT THE GREEN!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Thorzday 25th November 2021

RUSH GREEN STADIUM IN 2019 (TOON IN BLACK)

News that wor FA Youth Cup tie away to 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham on Friday December 12th iz to be played at Rush Green Stadium, Romford, in east London, reaches 'The Geordie Times'.

HOWEVER!--- it iz to be played behind closed doors in front of just relatives of the players and club staff, with nee fans admitted!

Yoo would 'fink' that they would play the game at London Stadium to give the youngins some experience of playin in front of a crowd, but in their wisdom West Ham have decided to play it at their trainin' groond stadium instead!

Wot we can't understand iz that 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have been there before, az fans were admitted when we played their U23s in December 2019 when we lost 4-0 in the FA Premyaa Resorve Leegue, in front of 143 spectators, includin 7 of us!---?????

352 north street, alfreton (v nottm forest u23s)

 Ground number 352

Date of First Visit: 22nd November 2021

North Street (aka Impact Arena), Alfreton, Derbyshire

Nottingham Forest U23s 1

Newcastle United U23s 3 (Elliot Anderson (3)

FA Premier Reserve League 2

Attendance: 252 (includin' aboot 16 NUFC groundhoppers)

"ELLIOT MAKES AN IMPACT AT THE IMPACT ARENA!"

Wor number 8 Elliot Anderson scored a superb hat-trick for NUFC to end a 5 game winless streak in north Derbyshire on a cold November neet at Alfreton Town FC's groond, where 'The Friar Tuck Mob' play their home resorve games! (Friar Tuck--Robin Hood---Sherwood forest----Nottingham-----get it?)

4 of us travelled doon in Biffa the Beer's 'jam jar' and after a 2 and a half hour jorney we parked up in a street near the groond and heeded for the nearest boozer which woz caalled 'The Victoria' which woz within hocklin' distance of the tornstiles! (The othaa 2 travellers bein' 'Glennn from Ashington' and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer'!)

After a couple of 'gargels' it woz time to heed for the groond where the clubhoose woz open---and so!---az yi dee!---there woz time to get somemore 'liquid lubrication' with 'Alex of St. George' (who had travelled doon by train) and we took wor pints onto the terrace behind the goal, at the end where we were kickin in the forst half!

The Toon sported wor 'aall black' change kit and it didnt take lang for the forst goal, when the Toon's Joe White woz fouled in the box and the ref pointed straight to spot in the 4th minute!

Up stepped Elliot Anderson to fire home to put wor U23s 1-0 up!

ELLIOT ANDERSON'S PENALTY 

(Sorry aboot the blurred pixs az I woz shakin' with the excitement!)

And then the real 'game changer' just 8 minutes later when their goalie handled the baall ootside the box and woz duly sent off to put them doon to 10 men!

It woz aall 'one way traffic' after this and we got into a conversation with a lassie beside us, who told us wor number 7 Jay Turner-Cook woz hor 17 year old son---and he woz havin a canny game!

Despite several efforts on the Forest goal we couldnt increase wor lead and went in 1-0 up at the break!---It woz then a 'mad-dash' back to the clubhoose, where a steward told us that beer wasn't allowed on the terraces at Forest games, but WOZ at Alfreton games???? (he hadn't seen us take wor pints onto the terraces in the forst half!)

So we drank this one inside the confines of the bar durin' the half time interval!---more ridiculous rules that some idiot(s) had made up!

We swapped ends for the 2nd half and stood behind the uncovered red seats behind that goal.  Goal number 2 came in the 6th minute of the restart when a cross by Niall Brookwell foond Anderson and he fired home for hiz 2nd goal!

It woz aall ower az a contest in the 71st minute when a misstayk by a Forest defender let in Anderson again to force the baall home for hiz hat-trick to light applause from the travellin faithful! 

'The Friar Tuck Mob' scored a consolation goal near the end through Salmon, but it woz aall ower by this stage!

NUFC mad-sad groundhopper 'Dave from York' then made an  appearance to make it 6 who had travelled south!-- (hiz 299th groond, he told us!) (the othaa 10 or so Toon fans we saw, we assumed, lived in the area, az we didnt recognize them!)

THE GAME ACTUALLY KICKED OFF AT '6:58 bells'---2 minutes orly!

It woz an uneventful jorney back up the M1 and we were back on Tyneside just before 'midneet bells'!-----Anothaa one off the 'never endin' list' of new groonds! 

"We may be mental!---we may be mad!---we are the saddest!--- Futbaall supporters!---the world haz ever had!"

Fink 'the mad-sad groundhopper!' (352 and coontin'!)

PS: For a list of the groonds a'v visited with NUFC, set your phone to 'web version' and click on 'ground 000' in right hand column in 'ARCHIVE GROUNDS MATCH REPORTS LIST'                   ('000' iz at the top of the list)

*

THE FRIAR TUCK MOB U23S V THE TOON U23S *** TOONEET IN ALFRETON! (NEW GROOND, NEW GROOND!)

 Posted 'high noon 🔔s' Munday 22nd November 2021

THE IMPACT ARENA, AKA NORTH STREET, ALFRETON

*'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' are off on wor travels again to visit a new groond where we have never played!  It's The Impact Arena in Alfreton, north Derbyshire where wor U23s take on Nottingham Forest U23s in a '7:00 bells' kick off!

It's the home of Alfreton Town who play in the National League North (The same leegue az Gatesheed---Level 6 in the futbaall pyramid) This will be the 12th groond currently in that leegue that 'The mad-sad groundhoppers' will have visited to watch a NUFC team! (providin' we get there and the game isn't postponed for some reason!?)

Admission iz 'a fiver' for 'big kids' and £3 for sprogs and zimmerframites! (like me!)

4 of us are settin off this afternooon and we shud arrive in good time for some 'gargels' in a nearby boozer (thats if there are any near the groond?) The roond trip iz aroond 300 miles from Tyneside!

Just like wor forst team, wor U23s are winless in their last 5 leegue and cup games and are currently 6th in the Premyaa Leegue 2 table, while The Friar Tuck Mob from Nottingham are even worse, havin not won in their last 7 games! (9th place! oot of 14 teams)

A full Geordie Times match and boozer report on the game will appear here sometime tomorrow! APY "Watch this space!"

 

"WHO AM I?"

In other news, Moan U have sacked Ole after their humiliatin 4-1 defeat at Wotfaad and we naa the PERFECT man to replace him!

1: He iz a Moan U legend!

2: He lives near Manchester and haz done so for many years!

3: He iz currently unemployed after pickin up a FAT severance pay check of £8 MILLION from hiz previous club!

4: He haz ower 20 year experience with numerous clubs az a manager and haz 1,000 games under hiz (FAT) belt, in that role!

5: Hiz favorite sayings in press conferences are: "Keyboard warriors", "There's a mole in the camp!", "Are you callin' me a liar?" and "How's the bacon, did you say?"

The answer iz below--- Don't look doon---just guess?---nee cheatin'!

*

"I'M COMING HOME!---AT LAST!"

THE TOON 3 BRENTFAAD 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2021-2022

 Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 21st November 2021

"ATTACK!, ATTACK!, ATTACK!---DEFEND!, DEFEND!, DEFEND!"

We went to this game apprehensive to just wot kind off performance The Toon would put in against Premyaa Leegue new boys Brentfaad, from west London!

Eddie Howe haz Covid and woz forced to watch hiz forst game in charge in hiz hotel room!

Az far az attackin their goal we were excellent, havin 23 shots in total, 9 of them on target and 3 goals to the good!

However!---az far az defendin' gans, we were atrocious, and aall 3 goals conceded were through errors in wor back line!

The goal sequences were az follows:

10th minute: A Jamaal Lascelles heeder from a Matt Richie corner at The Leazes End puts us 1-0 up, but durin' the celebrations wor visitors went up the other end of the pitch and equalised though old boy Ivan Toney (it had to be!) through a bad misstayk by Karl Darlow in The Toon goal! 1-1

31st minute: Brentfaad then took the lead through an unmarked Henry from a far post cross, to silence The Toon fans and delight the 2,500 away fans high up in The Leazes End! 1-2

39th minute: Joelinton scores hiz forst goal of the season from an excellent Saint Max cross, curlin' hiz shot into the bottom corner of the net! 2-2 HT

60th minute: Wor visitors retook the lead on the hour mark, against the run of play, after the unfortunate Jamaal Lascelles deflected a Onyeka shot into hiz own goal with Darlow stranded! 2-3 (meeenin that he had scored a goal for both teams!)

75th minute: Saint Max then rescued a point az he fired a pin point cross from substitute Ryan Fraser into the net at The Gallowgate End, to send the crowd wild! (Eddie Howe had been on the phone to assistant manager Tindall to put Fraser on just before the goal!)

Unfortunateely we couldnt find the winner with Joelinton slippin in the box to miss a great chance near the end---and so we had to settle for one point!---Nohrich's win ower Sooothampton meeenz we dropped to the bottom of the table, continuin' wor record winless start to a season ever, to 12 games! (13 if yoo included the Leegue Cup!)

Like we say!---While wor attackin woz great for a change, wor defendin' woz anything but, and Eddie Howe must somehow stop wor very leaky defence!----The sooner Martin Debravka iz back in goal the better! 

Attendance: 52,131 (2,500 Brentfaad fans)

* 

"OUR HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TOON!"

EDDIE'S ARMY!

"THE SKY AT NIGHT!"

NEWS AT 'TEN'! (Sunday)

PS: Spare a thought for Toon fan Colonel Gadaffi (The one from Bracknell near Reading, NOT the one from Tripoli, Libya!) 

He caught the '10:15 bells' train from The Central (station) to King's Cross in London on Sunday mornin'

He got az far az Donny (Doncaster) when the train suddenly stopped!

The train in front, a 'Grand Central' train from mackemland had broken doon in front of them!   

After an hour's wait the train heeded back north to York! Where he woz told to get a train across the Pennines, az the line to London wud be blocked for some considerable time!   

He got off and caught a train to Leeedz---and then anothaa to Manchester----and anothaa to London----and anothaa to Reading----and finally anothaa to Bracknell in Berkshire, where he arrived TEN HOURS after he'd left the Toon, travellin on SIX different trains in the long drawn oot process! (It's never eazy, bein a Toon fan!)

The Guiness Book of Records have been informed!

TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED!?

 Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 19th November 2021

Updated Saturday '10:25am bells'

Saturday

News that Eddie Howe haz tested positive for Covid yesterday evenin', meeenz that he will miss hiz forst game in charge!----Yi couldn't make it up!---Graeme Jones and Jason Tindall will be on the bench instead az Eddie watches on from hiz hotel in isolation!

He will speak to every player individually via Zoom before the match!

Friday

NUFC take on Brentfaad tomorrow at SJP with Eddie Howe in charge for the forst time in a '3:00 bells' start!

We really divvint naa just wot to expect, but expectations are high amonst the fan base and hopefully Eddie haz awoken some of wor players from their slumbers, under wor former manager's 'watch' and that we can expect at least some shots on goal at the very least!

This will be wor 12th attempt to win a Premyaa Leegue game this season (13 games if yoo include the Leegue Cup!) and this iz an unwanted club record from the start of a season, stretchin' back to the 19th century!

It will be very interestin' to see wor startin line up with a full hoose of ower 52,000 present come '3 bells' on Saturday! (We will find oot at '2:00 bells' tomorrow)

We can anly hope that we can get wor forst win of the season and that NUFC can climb oot of danger by Xmas?

It certainly won't be easy, but at least we now have some 'hope' with Eddie and wor new very rich owners in charge!

The January window iz 9 games away, and we must fight tooth and nail to try and escape from the bottom 3 by then!

A tale of the unexpected if we do win against Brentfaad--or if we don't---az the case may be? 🙏

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will appear here, az per usual, sometime on Sunday!

The front cover of the match programme tomorrow