ACCUMULATION OF POINTS---A SIMPLE EXPLANATION!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 8th March 2021

What happened to the home defeat by Palace in the last 6 games?---We've done OK?---2 wins in the last 18?

Steve Bruce's points accumulation formula!

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THE BAGGIE TROOSERS v THE TOON *** DINNAATIME!

 Posted from '11:00am bells' onwards, Sunday 7th March 2021

Looks like a 5-4-1 defensive formation, folks!😳 NIL-NIL looks like the 'target'!

With a combined age of 126, 'Fat Sam the Ugly Man' and 'In Denial Bruce' lock horns in what the media have dubbed 'The Jurassic Park Showdoon' at 'high noon bells'! 

🦕 v 🦖

A Geordie Times mad-sad laptophoppers report will follow with live updates of goals and major incidents---az it happens!

Toon in aall yellow change strip!

*11th minute   Joelinton clean through but tries to pass to Frazer but baall cut oot!  Bruce is furious that Joe didnt score!

Commentator: 1 goal this season! Hasn't quite worked out for him! (Yoo can say that again!)

*23rd minute: Both managers look reasonably happy! (Zzzzz!) How much chewing gum does Sam get through in a season? (Commentator)

NUFC 1 shot on target

*29th minute: Shelvey shot on target, saved by WBA goalie!

*36th minute: Good save from Dubravka in Toon goal!

*HT NIL-NIL! 2 shots on target from Toon  48% possession!  WBA better team!

*56th minute: Krafth sky shot miles ower bar!

57th minute: Gayle on for Hendrick---who looks cheesed off!

60th minute: Willock shot on target, good save by WBA goalie!

70th minute: Joelinton, weak shot on target!

Commentator: you can feel the tension in the stadium! (GT: 26,000 empty seats!?)

*86th minute: Jokelinton, weak heeder easlily saved!

93rd minute: Carroll on to waste time!(on for 20 seconds before ref blew the final whistle!)

93rd minute: ref blows for FT: NIL-NIL az predicted by GT

NUFC still 9 points above WBA and 4 above Fulim who play Liverpoool very soon! "Come on yoo SCOUSERS!"

GT comment: Cannit beleeeve that we are happy with a nil-nil draw, but we are!  Aalso cannit beleeeve that Jokelinton iz still in startin line up!

Updated '4:40pm bells'

Of course, Fulim won at Anfield and they are now just a point behind us in the last relegation place!

NUFC have now won just 2 games oot of the last 18 and unbelievably Bruce iz 'happy' with a point---and had this to say! 

This should read ONE win in six!

WORDS FAIL US!!

EXACTLY ONE YEAR SINCE WE WATCHED THE TOON LIVE!

 Posted '1:30am bells' Sunday 7th March 2021

 

THE LAST TIME NUFC FANS ATTENDED AN AWAY GAME!

It seems very hard to believe that one year ago today, 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' made wor way to Sooothampton, little realisin' that this would be the last time we would travel to an away game for a whole year due to the 'bat out of hell' pandemic!

But here we are, sittin in wor hooses and readin stuff on the internet to keep us amused!

Below iz the very last live match report from 'The Geordie Times' that seems like a lifetime ago---a  fortuitous 1-0 win, which made us virtually safe from relegation----until NOW of course!

Since that game at St. Mary's we have missed a staggerin' 41 competitive games, and The Geordie Times haz done wor best to bring yoo NUFC match reports from pub big screens to little laptop screens in the hoose!  Not the same as bein' there of course, but we dee wor best to bring yoo match reports as we 'tellyhop' from game to game!

Hopefully we will aall be back inside SJP soon, to cheer the Toon on, in person!

The match report from that Sooothampton game 365 days ago, iz printed below!

THE SIMON TEMPLAR MOB 0 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '10:58am bells' on train from London Waterloo to Soothampton! And later on pub report from Sooothampton!
Match report and more pix added at '11:36am bells' Sunday 8th March 2020

View from row 'BB' seat 1154 in The Norham End (2nd half)

"THE 'SAINT' SINKS 'THE SAINTS' AT SAINT MARY'S!"

Aa dragged mee lifeless body oot of 'me scratcher' (bed!) at the ungodly hour of '4:30am bells' to catch the train to King's Cross in London with mee travellin companions 'Sarnie Steve' and 'Big Al' (NOT the sheetmetal workers son!) and then onwards to the sooth coast via London Waaterloo station, where the most expensive pint av ever bought in a boozer in the UK woz purchased at £6:50! (see below!)

On arrival in Sooothampton we heeded for 'The Giddy Bridge' where in complete contrast mee pint cost £1:99!
It woz then onward to 2 othaa boozers, but 1 woz shut and the othaa wouldn't let us in, coz we were away fans! (again--see below!)
Wor final 'port o call' woz 'The Alex' , where we had nee problem getting in and then it woz time to heed for the visitors section at St. Mary's Stadium!

1st half action az NUFC attack the far goal

We played in wor horrible bottle green away strip (Ugggh!) and to match it the performance on the pitch woz 'horrible' az well!
We did have a chance orly on when Shelvey crossed fro the right and their keeper McCarthy ,made 2 point blank saves from Gayle and Almiron!---Gayle then had a divin heeder saved!

Matt Richie corner (2nd half)

Apart from that, both teams were lethargic in the forst half of the forst half and the tornin' point of the game came in the 27th minute when Issac Hayden woz 'met' with a leg breakin tackle from Djenepo, who woz booked by the ref---who woz then told by VAR to have anothaa look on the pitchside moniter and he changed hiz mind and issued a RED CARD instead!
Then, just before the break a 'handbaall' incident in the box woz reviewed by VAR and a penalty woz given to 'us' after aboot a 3 minute wait----Matt Ritchie took it at the far end from the away section and he hit hiz shot to the right of the Sooothampton keeper, who saved it easily----0-0 at half time!

Even against 10 men we couldn't find a way through, az we passed the SEVEN HOUR MARK withoot a goal----but then the 'moment' 11 minutes from time-----Allan Saint-Maximun latched onto a misstayk by a home defender and raced towards the box---he expertly placed hiz left foot shot (or woz it his 'right foot?) which went in off the post to finally beat their keeper!----  Some 7 hours and 19 minutes since we last scored a Premyaa Leegue goal!  
The 'SAINT' had scored against 'The SAINTS' at 'SAINT Mary's!

This resulted in wild celebration in The Norham End, where we were, az Saint-Maximin did a double somersault in front of us!  NUFC somehow managed to limp to the finishin line, movin up to 13th place in the table and above wor opponents on 35 points and 8 points above Bornmoooth in the last relegation place! (6 more needed to avoid the drop, me 'fink'x!)

SAINT Pancras-King's Cross, post match

It woz then back to London where the celebratory 'gargels' took place at SAINT Pancras-King's Cross! (Where else?) before catchin the '9 bells' train back yem----arriving back at 'wor hoose' at just before '1:00 am bells'---totally knocked with havin to get up at '4:30am bells' the previous day!----Woz it worth it???
"WHEY AYE, MAAN!"

Toon team: Debravka, Manquillo (Lazaro 72), Lascelles, Fernandez, Rose, Ritchie (Joelinton 61), Shelvey, Hayden (S. Longstaff 79), SAINT-Maximin, Gayle, Almiron

Attendance: 30,096 (2,900 relieved Toon fans!) 



The pre match 'gargels' took place here (or NOT az the case may be!)

Waterloo station, London

At £6:50 a pint I had to pay by card az I didn't have enough cash!😳

And in Sooothampton!

£1:99 a pint!

Named and shamed!

Bouncers wouldn't let us in
Said there might be a conflict of interests between 
Sooothampton and Toon fans! W*NKERS!

Not open!

The Alex   £5:00 a pint!

*The Simon Templar Mob---an explanation:
'The Saint' woz a cult TV show in the 1960s and starred Roger Moore az Simon Templar---Sooothampton's nickname iz 'The Saints'---get it ???

A MOUNTAIN OOT OF A MOLE HILL!

 Posted '2:14pm bells' Saturday 6th March 2021

Updated '10:00pm bells'

Instead of lookin 'forward' to wor vital game at West Brom tomorrow, wor beleaguered heed coach iz instead determined to look 'backwards' to find the mole that iz leakin' stories aboot trainin' groond bust ups with the likes of Matt Ritchie and the Longstaff bruvvers!

It sounds to us like this iz bein made 'a mountain oot of a mole hill story' for the press and distracts from a more important 'story' from tomorrow in the 'high noon bells' shootout at The Hawthorns!

A ready made excuse in case we draw or lose, perhaps?

Coz if we do, then we fear the worst!

Indeed Bruce has aalready said that this ISN'T a 'must win game', when everybody else knows that it IZ!

In April and May we have 5 tough games in a row comin' up v West Ham, Liverpoool, Lestaa, The Arse and MAN CITY!---Games where we will be lucky to pick any points up at aall!

So YES!--West Brom alang with upcoming games v Brightin and Bornley are aalso MUST WIN games for that reason!

A minute by minute Geordie Times 'laptophoppers' match report will appear here from '11:00am bells' tomorrow!

Az per usual--"Watch this space!"

Update '10:00pm bells'

Mixed bag of results for wor relegation rivals today!

Sooothampton won 2-0 at Sheff U who now look certain to gan doon!  Sooothampton move on to 33points

Bornley drew with The Arse and move on to 29points

Brightin have just lost 2-1 to Lestaa and remain on 26 points, the same az NUFC!  

A win for us tomorrow will take us up to 16th place!---but can we?

NEVER A DULL MOMENT AT NUFC!

 Posted '1:51pm bells' Friday 5th March 2021

VAR, TREASON AND ARBITRATION!

THE PUNISHMENT FOR TREASON!

Where the hell do we start today? with loads of news aboot different things that effect NUFC to fill these pages!

Forst of aall, VAR has been a blessing in disguise az far az NUFC are concerned!

For 2 games in a row Fat Sam's West Brom have been denied 2 porfectly good goals by VAR decisions!  (Costing them 4 points) The same gans for Fulim, who last neet were denied an equaliser v Spoz and lost 1-0!

And dont forget aboot the dodgy penalty WE got at Sporz in injury time to steal a point!

And then there's Bruce sayin someone in the camp has committed treason by leaking reports to the media about the argument with Matt Ritchie and the lack of trainin'!

Finally!  NUFC have lost the appeal to get the chairman of the takeover arbitration panel  removed, as he gave some advice to the Premyaa Leegue in 2017!

Its 'aall go' at The Toon---never a dull moment---for sure!

ONLY AT THE NUFC COMEDY CLUB!🥳

 Posted '1:20am bells' Thorsday 4th March 2021

News from The Daily Mail that a massive bust up between Matt Richie and 'In Denial' Bruce, happened at the trainin groond on Tuesday, when Richie caalled Bruce a coward for blaming him for not passing instructions on, which led to Wolves equaliser last Saturday neet!

Bruce then barged Richie in retaliation, which amazed and shocked the other players present! 

Bruce said to him, "After all I have done for you!", in which Richie replied, "You've done F*CK ALL for me!"

Many players are unhappy that Bruce iz naming and shaming them in public and not doin' it behind closed doors!

Goalie Karl Darlow anly foond oot he woz dropped in a newspaper report, 2 days before the Wolves game, az Bruce publicly blamed him for one of the goals in the defeat at Man U!

Something will have to give very soon or else aall anarchy will break loose!

"Are yoo listening Fat Controller? Are yoo listening Penfold?"

      This statement packs                some punch!🤜

Footnote: Fulim play Sporz this evenin' and a win for them will drop NUFC into the bottom 3!😳

Updated '8:40pm bells

Both Fulim and WBA lost thanks to VAR

It's up to us now to beat WBA on Sunday!---but will we???

2 MORE CROCKED!

 Posted 3:05pm bells Tuesday 2nd March 2021

Az feared both Saint Max with a groin strain and Almiron with a knee ligament  injury will be oot for 6 weeks!

That meenz that alang with Callum Wilson, we will have 3 key players oot, lang term!

This seems to be a common feature with teams that Bruce haz managed and yoo can hear the excuses aalready should we not win at West Brom on Sunday!

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY WE PLAYED BORNLEY *** THE LAST TIME WE WERE INSIDE SJP!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 1st March 2021

1 year ago today, on the 29th February 2020 (anly 28 days in February 2021, so 1st March iz 1 year to the day!) we played Bornley at St. James' Park in a borin' nil-nil draw!

Little did we realise, that, that would be the last time we would be able to attend a home game, az soon after this 'The bat out of hell virus' shut everything doon!---and here we are 366 days later and still we cannit get in!

A match report on that game iz printed below!

1 YEAR AND COONTIN'!

1 year ago Bruce made these comments after the game!

Spot the difference a year on?

THE TOON 0 THE BORNLEY HILLBILLIES 0 **** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '10:37pm bells' Saturday 29th February 2020
Will be updated sometime on Sunday!

VIEW FROM THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY

"WE CAN ANLY SAVE WORSELS!"

A chaotic weekend (up til now!) meenz that despite a goalless draw and a point against 'The Hillbillies' of Bornley this afternoon, unexpected results elsewhere meenz that we are now closer to the bottom 3 than we were on Friday afternoon!

This iz because bottom club Nohrich beat 3rd placed Lestaa at Carrow Road on Friday neet, West Ham won 3-1 against Sooothampton today, and relegation threatened Wotfaad beat undefeated champions elect Liverpoool 3-0 at Vicarage Road this evenin'!----Who could have predicted that??? 

On Friday afternoon NUFC were 7 points clear of 3rd bottom----but now we are just 5 points above 'the abyss' with just ONE win in the last TEN Premyaa Leegue games!

Wor 4th consecutive 'blank' meenz that we are now the lowest goalscorers in the 'top flight' with just 24 goals from 28 games!!!

Wot a sad state of affairs for a club that were dubbed 'The Entertainers' not so lang ago!

Reeely, we shud have won this game, but for poor finishin', NUFC couldn't 'finish off' a team who had most definitely come for a bore draw and a point to take back to 'Hillbillieland in deepest Lancashire!!
Matt Ritchie had chances to 'win it', but several blocks of shots and a last minute attempt where he shud have scored at The Leazes End came to nothin', az we went 360 minutes withoot a goal in The Premyaa Leegue! (accordin' to the 'stats' NUFC had 20 shots on goal aaltogether, with not one gannin in!)  A slightly better performance than the last few games---but NEE goals again!
  52,000 plus had came for this game (allegedly!)---that's 2,000 Bornley fans in 'level 7' of The Leazes End, anothaa 10,000 'freebee' Toon fans, plus 40,000 Toon fans who had actually paid to watch this game, which will surely be last on 'Match of the Day' again! (2nd last actually!)

Wor 'beloved'? owner 'The Fat Controller' woz missin' from hiz seat in the directors box yet again, leavin' the rest of us to suffer the dreadful 'misfirin' fare' on the pitch!-----We can anly save worsels and NOT rely on othaa teams losin', if we are to avoid the 'dreaded drop'!

OH for a 'number 9' like £15 million poond Alan Shearer, who scored 206 goals for NUFC----unlike wor current £40 million poond 'number 9', who haz scored a paltry ONE goal in 28 Premyaa Leegue appearences this season! (He played much deeper 'on the left', than usual today, az 'Broken Nose Bruce' put Dwight Gayle up front!)

FANS BANNER AGAINST 'THE FAT CONTROLLER' BEFORE THE MATCH!

THE SAME BANNER ON 'ANT AND DEC'S SATURDAY NEET SHOW' ON THE TELLY!

Toon team line ups and more pix tomorrow! (when we can be bothered!?)

NEXT DAY! '9:43am bells'
Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Fernandez, Lascelles, Rose, Almiron, Hayden, Shelvey, Ritchie, Gayle, Joelinton (Saint-Maximin 78)

Attendance: 52,219 (2,000 'Hillbillies')
This woz the 'alledged' attendance, but there were loads of empty seats and we know of fans who couldn't GIVE spare tickets away!

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