GEORDIE TIMELINES!

Posted '1:07pm bells' Saturday 4th April 2020

Aa shud be in a bar in Bournemoooth az aa write this, but of course wor game on the south coast haz been postponed because of the 'Bat out of Hell' coronavirus---and so here I am---in the hoose, writin this on mee lap top, with nee where to gan!

Certainly, in my case, mee travellin' has been severely reduced, due to the pandemic!
In a normal week aa would be deeing mee night truck run from Team Valley (Gatesheed) to Redditch in deepest Worcestershire and back from Mundays to Thorsdays---a roond trip of 440 miles X 4 = 1,760 miles aall told. But, because collectin carpets and floorin ISN'T on 'the list' of urgent truck deliveries, (yoo cant eat carpets!---can yoo?) I haven't worked since last Thorsday! (I am on that furlough thing which pays 80% of mee wages)

On Fridays aa would 'relax' and heed for The Toon pubs for a few gargels with mee mates--- A roond trip of 4 miles!
And then on Saturdays or Sundays aa would get mee 'futbaall fix'---And if wor game v Bournemoooth had been on today, it would have been wor langest of the season, with a trip of 380 miles to the south coast! (Via London on the train)

Sunday would have seen the retorn jorney! (From an owerneet stay in London) so a roond trip of 760 miles would have been completed!
That's 2,524 miles travelled in a normal week!

In total contrast, because of social distancin' the furthest I have got is The Haymarket in The Toon for mee daily exercise (5 miles roond trip, plus a 'gargel rest stop'!)

A 'REST STOP' NEAR THE HAYMARKET!

And the least av 'travelled' is a few hundred yards to mee local paper shop and a walk aroond the block!

It's now ower a fortneet since Boris shut the boozers and 4 weeks since we last saw The Toon kick a baall in anger!   (A 1-0 away win at Sooothampton)

The latest news is that UEFA  have relaxed the '3:00 bells' Saturday kick off times for live telly, but with the death toll risin' the prospect of live games behind closed door are a lang way off and hopefully a non starter!

I can't imagine that the 92 Premyaa Leegue games still to be played, will AALL be televised live in empty stadiums!

And that doesnt included the 350 odd othaa games still to be played in the EFL Championship (108 games to be played), League 1 (130 games) and League 2 (114 games)!

That's a staggerin' 444 games still to be played in total, from the Premyaa Leegue to Leegue 2! (Are they gannin to televise them AALL, if they are played behind closed doors???)
One game every 2 hours, allowing for build ups and stoppage time and every day 'aroond the clock', perhaps????

I AM RAPIDLY FAALLIN OOT OF LUV WITH TOP FLIGHT FUTBAALL!

Posted '5:55pm bells' Friday 3rd April 2020

News that the top flight players are to be consulted in a bid to persuade them to take a 30% reduction in wages, reaches us!

Not ONE Premyaa Leegue player haz so far agreed to take a pay cut and 'players champion' and PFA chairman Gordon Taylor (on £4 million a year) haz said "Why should they?" 

Well!--with an average wage for Premyaa Leegue players of £50,000 a WEEK, then a 30% reduction would still give them just aboot enough to 'live on' (just!)
The players at NUFC are gettin' their full wages paid, while backroom staff and othaa employeez have been put on furlough leave, where the tax payer must pay them 80% of their wages!

I know someone who works for NUFC and he iz on the minimum wage of £8.72 an hour--which works oot at £348.80 for a 40 hour week, before tax!
NUFC ARE payin the othaa 20% of hiz wages (apparently), which works oot at a woppin' £69.60p a week!---While wor top orners on the field are gettin' a measly £70,000-£80,000 IN FULL from the club!

And of course 'The Premyaa Leegue' are frantically tryin to get the season finished, so they don't lose the £762 MILLION from the TV companies!----And this on a day when a record 684 poor souls have lost their lives to the coronavirus in the UK! 
(Futbaall haz now been indefinatly suspended because of the crisis)

HONESTLY!---I am rapidly faallin oot of luv with futbaall at the highest level!---And I have followed NUFC home and away since the 1960s! (that's 7 decades, like!)

ANOTHER FINE MESS!

Posted '12:37pm bells' Thorsday 2nd April 2020

News that aall NUFCs scouting network and academy employeez have been put on this 'furlong' thing, or whatever its caalled?, where the government pays 80% of their wages and NUFC pays them 'eF' aall!

The players meanwhile will continue to be paid their huge wages by the club in full, as the pandemic worsens! (Nearly 1 million infected worldwide, so far!)

Wot the papers say!

That's one of the top 30 richest clubs in the world, owned by a billionaire, gannin 'cap in hand' and asking the government to pay their lowest paid employees the pittance they earn! (ie: the minimum wage in most cases!) "It embarrassing!"

And this in the same week az NUFC have taken money from season ticket holders for NEXT season, despite not having a clue when it will start--or indeed, just when THIS season will finish!

Wor MD known az 'Penfold' to Toon fans for his remakable likeness to the cartoon character in 'Danger Mouse', has been put in charge of transfor business for the foreseeable future---A man who used to be 'stamp licker' and 'office boy' to former MD Russell Cushing! (Unbelievable!)

Let's hope this latest takeover saga iz true this time and that we finally get rid of 'The Fat Controller' once and for aall!

           🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏!

HOTEL QUARANTINE PLAN FOR PLAYERS PLANNED!

Posted '5:30pm bells' Tuesday 31st March 2020

  A MEMBER OF THE FA ISSUES A STARK WARNING!

"STAY HOME!"---"AND WATCH IT ON THE TELLY!"
"DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!"---"WE NEED THE MONEY!"

Desperate measures have been mooted by The Premyaa Leegue, az they have a daft plan to put players in strict quarantine for a month, away from their families---and condense the remainin games into a 4 week period, from the beginning to the end of Joon! (The UEFA deadline for completin' games for this season!)
The players would spend their time between trainin' groonds, stadiums and hotels and cram 3 games in a week to avoid contractual and legal complications!

It's said that AALL the 92 games left to be played, could be played in London and Bormingham BEHIND CLOSED DOORS at 3 venues and that fans could stay at home and watch it on the f*****' telly! (NO WAY!---If it's safe for players to play then it should be safe for fans to watch games LIVE!------I am SICK of bein' stuck in the hoose aalready---just like the rest of yooz!) Eethaa play games with fans present, or don't play at aall til it's safe to do so! 

It's a crazy idea and would need the co-operation of AALL players to get the games on!---But hang on just a minute!----players are human beings just like the rest of us and several, for example, have tested 'positive' for the virus at West Ham (8 aa 'fink'?) and some at Lestaa----so how could they play?

Personally, mee 'finx' that if the games ARE behind closed doors, then the whole thing will be farcical with teams forced to play 3 games every 5 days!---and aall in a desperate bid NOT to loose the lucrative telly money, az the death toll in the UK in the last day alone iz nearly 400!
Yet The FA have told lower non leegue clubs that THEIR seasons work will be declared null and void! (One rule for the rich---and one for the poor!)

We were told on Friday that this could gan on for SIX months--or langer!----Surely the players health should be the number one priority?---('social distancing' and aall that!)----but MEGA MONEY talks---Just ask wor 'beloved'? owner 'The Fat Controller', who iz takin' season ticket money from Toon fans for NEXT season aalready, while othaas like Man U, Brightin and Lestaa are to defer payments for fans who have lost their jobs durin' this difficult time!

We await with baited breath az to just wot will happen next!???

6 MONTHS OF HELL AWAITS!

Posted '12:57pm bells' Munday 30th March 2020

"NO PUBS!---NO FOOTBALL!

---NO PROMOTION!---NO RELEGATION!"

News delivered by a chief medical officer yesterday that the coronavirus crisis lockdoon could gan on for up to SIX MONTHS iz horrendous news for aall of us! (or iz it?)


This surely means that The Premyaa Leegue and aall the leegues below this will HAVE to be declared null and void, sooner, rather than later! (UEFA have said that AALL leegues should be ended by June 30th)

But every cloud DOES have a silver lining, as it will mean that NUFC will definitely still be in The Premyaa Leegue next season and that the SMBs will still be in the old 3rd Division for the 3rd season runnin'! ☁🤪

ONE MAN AND HIZ DOG(S) WENT TO 'A' BEER GARDEN! (Part 2)

Posted '12:55pm bells' Sunday 29th March 2020

2: The Crows Nest beer garden, Haymarket, Newcasil

I went to The Toon yesterday afternoon for some 'food' shoppin and daily exercise with mee little dog and woz shocked to see the city centre completleee dead on a Saturday!
Normally this iz the busiest day of the week for shoppers and revellers heedin for the 100's of pubs and clubs---and of course the 52,000 futbaall fans heedin for 'The Cathedral on the Hill' for their Saturday 'fix'!

"FOOD!-FOOD!-GLORIOUS FOOD!"
("ER!--AALSO BOUGHT VEG 
AND READY MEALS!")

With nowt open apart from 'Marks and Sparks' the street were deserted and so after purchasin' mee daily 'fix' of Broon Ale and othaa 'food', aa heeded for the beer garden of 'The Percy Arms', but they had stacked the tables and chairs on top of each othaa, with nee where to sit! 

So off aa heeded for 'The Trent Hoose' instead, but again they had moved an ootside table, so aa had nee where to put mee 'DOG' (DOG iz Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale!) 

In desperation aa heeded for 'The Crows Nest' beer garden---and hey presto---aall the seats and tables were in place! 

"HELP!---MEE DOG'S DRINKIN' MEE 'DOG'!" 

So aa settled doon with mee 2 'DOGS' in perfect peace and tranquillity to 'doon' (drink) the broon nectar!-----Social distancin' for sure!

The Toon on a Saturday afternoon!  
The perfect place for 'social distancin'!

"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE?"

NEWGATE STREET!---DESERTED!

THE GATE!---DESERTED!

'THE CENTRAL'! (STATION)---DESERTED!

THE BIGG MARKET!---DESERTED!

("WOT!---ON A SATURDAY?")

NEAR ST. JAMES' PARK!---DESERTED!

PS: I am not oot today az there are small hailstones hittin' mee windows az we speak and its freezing ootside, so aa wont be deein any new beer gardens for a couple of days!
Aalso, Boris iz set to implement new lockdoon rules and I fear that aall of us wont be able to gan very far from home---even for 'food' shoppin'!
Hope aall 'Geordie Times' reeders are keepin well and are not bored oot of their sculls, stuck in the hoose, but the crisis iz said to get worse!
Aalso, the north east bus service iz close to collapse with 90% less usage since the lockdoon!
This woz the bus aa woz on yesterday to the Toon!

"KEEP AHOLD AND STAY SAFE!" 

FAT CONTROLLER FAALL-OOT!

Posted '7:22pm bells' Saturday 28th March 2020

Az NUFC have taken direct debits from fans for NEXT season, with 5 Premyaa Leegue home games still to play for THIS season, Man U promise to dee the opposite for their fans!

We leave yoo lang suffering Toon fans, to draw your own conclusions!

ONE MAN AND HIZ DOG(S) WENT TO 'A' BEER GARDEN! (Part 1)

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 28th March 2020

1: The Quayside beer garden, Newcasil Quayside

Because we can't gan to pubs for the foreseeable future, I have decided to combine mee daily exercise with a trip to pub beer gardens instead!
I will buy broon ale at an off licence and drink it at an excesable beer garden, to stop me gannin completleee mad!

I have never been one for drinkin in the hoose, so the next best thing is to try and find a beer garden instead! (It's sad--isn't it!)

Yesterday I walked to the quayside, (keepin  a social distance from othaa people of course!), for mee daily exercise! (4,920 steps from wor hoose --accordin to £2 pedometer aa bought last week for this purpose) 

There, a bottle of  'DOG' woz consumed in The Quayside beer garden near The Swing Bridge ('DOG' iz Geordie slang for Newcasil Broon Ale)---az mee othaa 'dog' looked on!

Ower the next few days, and with mee faithful companion, I intend to find anothaa beer garden somewhere in The Toon, to drink mee 'dog'!---and to keep me sane, with nee futbaall to watch! (Or work to gan tee, az av been 'layed off' because of the crisis!)

AZ per usual and for more complete 'madness' "watch this space!" 

PS: At this time aa shudiv been heedin for Liverpoool on a train to watch Dunston play The City of Liverpoool in a North West Coonties fixture az The Toon had nee game coz of the International break!

Of course even non leegue games are off az well, so aa had to claim mee £47 train fare back last week!---It just gets worse!

PPS: I know the situation is serious and I am keepin well away from othaa people on mee daily exercise and 'food' shopping trips! (Broon ale top of the list!)

THE WHEEL OF FORTUN(ATE!)

Posted '2:05pm bells' Friday 27th March 2020

"SPIN THE KEY TO SEE WOT YOO WILL DEE!"

Well it's finally happened!
I have been told that my night shift truck run to Redditch from Team Valley, Gatesheed will stop immediately and I will be in lockdown like everybody else!
The main reason iz that customers have cancelled orders and I hardly brought any carpets and flooring up last neet from Worcestershire!

However!---With nee futbaall or pubs to gan tee, a mate caalled Russ (aalso known az 'International RUSScue') haz devised a cunning plan to keep us aall occupied and stop us gannin completleee mad!!

I have copied hiz 'blueprint' and drawn a circle on a piece of card with a pin in the middle and a hoose key hangin from the pin and divided the card into sections!
30% for housework, 30% for exercise, 30% for book reading  and 10% for a 'beer break'!-- and hung out on my kitchen waall.

I spun the key this mornin and amazingly it fell into the 'beer' section!
I will spin it every day and I promise to 'dee' whichever section the key points to!

Why dont yoo try it for yourself and see wot happens!
"BEST LUCK!"

CORONA CRISIS----SO WHY ARE TRUNK ROADS SHUT?

Posted '1:08pm bells' Thorsday 26th March 2020

Aa did mee normal 440 mile 'night truck run' to Redditch in Worcestershire and back to Team Valley (Gatesheed) last neet (to pick carpets and floorin' up) and the roads were dead quiet, with aboot a qwaataa of the normal traffic on the motorways and trunk roads.

The one thing that annoyed me woz the fact that BOTH the A1M in Coonty Durham northbound and the A19 near Smogland on Tees northbound, were closed owerneet for roadworks!  
These are 2 parallel roads that run north and the fact that the highways agency had closed BOTH of them at the same time, in this time of crisis, had mee dumb
-struck!

Most of the traffic on the roads were of supermarket food lorries and trucks carryin' urgent medical supplies to hospitals etc!

To slow them doon (and me!) by shuttin' major roads iz CRIMINAL at this time of crisis and the Highways Agency should be ashamed of themsels!
If roads need to be shut for repairs, then why (oh why!) can't they shut them on alternative nights, so that the trucks can get through, one way or the other?

You don't need to be the 'Brain of Britain' to work this one oot!