THE GEORDIES v THE MAKHACHKEMS ***TOONEET!

Updated '4:45pm bells' Thorsday 14th March 2013

Tooneet, in less than fower hours time @ '8:05 bells' we take on 'The Anzi Pansies' of Makachkala who hail from the Dagestan region of Rushaa, in the 2nd leg of this 'last 16 roond' of the Europaa Leegue.
The adrenalin iz startin' to pump az aa write this and dreams of an Amsterdam final in May are in mee heed!


A goal-less draw in Moscow last Thorsday gives US the advantage, but think back to the last roond when we drew 0-0 with Karkiv @ St James' to give THEM the advantage for the 2nd leg in the Ukraine, anly for Shola to 'pinch it' with the anly goal of the tie to send US through against the odds!

And divvint forget that the game in Moscow waz played at a 'neutral' venue because of unrest in war torn Dagestan ower a thoosand miles away!

That waz on a plastic pitch az well of course and a'm sure that wor multi millionaire opponents will put up a better show on grass and that this tie iz far from a foregone conclusion in wor favour!

We on the other hand are able to send oot a full strength team az we are now nine points above the abyss in the Premyaa Leegue and are favourites to progress to the qwaata finals!

Dont know wot the crowd will be but, if we divvint get 40,000, I for one will be disappointed in wot iz wor biggest game for a lang time!
(We've hord that 40 Anzi fans will travel from Dagestan, plus a fortha 400 'I'-'I's<(work it oot!) who are livin' in the UK!)

Az we speak we have hord that aall the lower section seats have now sold oot which holds a total of aroond 37,000 and they are now sellin' seats for The Leazes End 'upper' level 7 corner!

It shud be noted that because flares and green smoke bombs were set off by irresponsible toe-rags with 'half  sheeps brains' in previous Europaa Leegue ties,<(apologeez to any sheep readin' this---ne offence intended!) that yoo will be searched before yi gan in, which meeenz (of course!) that it will take yoo langer to reach your seat!---so it iz advisable to leave the boozer yoo are drinkin' in, much orlier, to make the kick off!<(and aall because of a few 'p*ss brains'!) 

SOME OF THE GREEN 'FOG ON THE TYNE'
SMOKE BOMBS, SET OFF @ THE KARKIV GAME
IN 'THE STRAWBERRY CORNER'!

This will be The Toon's 145th European tie since wor forst one against Feyenoord of Holland in 1968 (132nd if yoo DIVVINT include 13 Anglo-Italian Cup ties!) and 'The Geordie Times'z 111th competitive European tie 'in a row'! (includin' SIX in the 1992 Anglo-Italian) 

Europaa Leegue games toneet and who we want to win and gan through to the qwaata finals in gold: (in order of kick off times)

'5:00 bells': Ruban Kazan (0) v Levente (0)
'5:00 bells': Zenit St Pertersborg (0) v Basle (2)*
'6:00 bells': Inter Milan (0) v Sporz (3)
'8:05 bells': The Toon (0) v Anzi (0)
'8:05 bells': Bordeaux (0) v Benfica (1)
'8:05 bells': Chelski (0) v Steaua Bucharest (1)
'8;05 bells': Lazio (2) v Stuttgart (0)
'8:05 bells': Fenebache (1) v Pizan (0)
* We've been to Basle before, but it would be much easier (and cheaper!) than havin' to apply for anotha visa for Rushaa!       

PS: There are it seems at least THREE different ways to spell wor opponents forst name:
'ANZI'<(The Geordie Times vorsion!)
'ANZHI'<(The Dagestan vorsion!) and
'ANJI'<(The nufc.com vorsion!)
'The Geordie Times' haz used 'ANZI' aall alang and we will stick with this!
Take your pick!

Full 'Geordie Times' match report and pics sometime tomorrow mornin' az per usual!-----Watch this space!

THE GEORDIES v THE MAKHACHKEMS ***THORSDAY NEET!

Posted '6:25pm bells' Tuesday 12th March 2013

ACTION FROM LAST WEEKS GAME IN MOSCOW

Wor attention iz now drawn to wor big European tie against Anzi of Rushaa on Thorsday neet for a place in the qwaata finals!

'The Geordie Times' will post much more on this game tomorrow, but we expect that a full strength team will play in wor biggest game of the season so far!

"Must dash!---Watch this space!"
 

"ALMOST THERE!***WE'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Posted '10:40am bells' Monday 11th March 2013

The result yesterday against 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke' takes us NINE POINTS clear of 'the abyss' and we can 'nearly' stop lookin' ower wor shoulders at the bottom of the table, az there are anly nine games left to gan for aall the clubs now below us, apart from 'The Blue Wigs', who have ten games left and who we play away next Sunday!

For the thord home game in a row we came back from behind to win and surely this iz the tornin' point of the season az we move up to 'lucky' 13th? position, but with the same number of points az 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers in 10th position!

Bottom of the Premyaa leegue table

10*The Wacko Jacko Jivers*played 28*points 33
11*The P*ss Potts*played 29*points 33
12*The Jellied Eels Mob*28*points 33
13*THE TOON*played 29*points 33
14*The Canary Custards*played 29*points 33
15*SMBs*played 29*points 30
16*Sooothampton*played 29*points 28
17*The Hazbeens&Villians*played 29*points27
'THE ABYSS!
18*The Blue Wigs*played 28*points 24
19*The Biscuitmen*played 29*points 23
20*Rag&Bone Men Rangers*played 29*pts23 

THE TOON 2 THE PULIS P*SS POTTS 1

Posted '9:45pm bells' Sunday 10th March 2013

"Iz this Moscow in Disguise!?"


YOHAN CABAYE ( in the 'D') HITS HIZ FREE KICK EQUALISER
AZ THE SKY DARKENS WITH SNOW FLURRIES!<(So it's not wor fault that the picture iz blurred!)
(View from The Milburn Stand balcony)

A day of arctic temperatures and icy winds that 'cut through yoo like a knife', were the conditions of 'Level 7' of The Milburn Stand az the game kicked off in a snow flurry!

It waz honestly just az caad az it waz in Moscow on Thorsday neet and both sets of players didnt look 'up for it' in the forst half!----And withoot borin' yiz to death, it waz a pretty miserable and awful forty five minutes!

Pulis, the 'P*ss Potts' manager had brung a bunch of hackers and lang baall punters to try and serve 'dipstick' Crouch and co. and try and intimidate The Toon, but it didnt work!

By the half time break many of the fans had aalready taken shelter beneath the stand in the concourses to try and keep waam and av never seen so many Toon fans crammed like sardines into that area before, az we 'battled' to force wor way to the 'toolshed' for a 'gypsies'!


The Toon were the better team in the second half, but against the run of play the visitors took the lead at The Leazes End when a penalty waz needlesleee given away by Tiote and Walters stepped up to place the baall past Elliot in the Toon goal at the mid-point of the half!

It looked a 'lost cause' but just six minutes later a Cabaye free kick at The Gallowgate End went in off the underside of the bar (see above photo) to level the scores!

And then, just when it looked like we would have to settle for a point, and deep into injury time, super sub 'Marveaux the Magician's through baall foond Cisse (who we thought waz in a offside position) and he fired the baall into the net past the stranded Begovic!
At forst we thought that the ref waz gannih disallow the goal, but the linesman on The Milburn Stand side didnt flag and the goal stood!

It waz like a delayed reaction from us for a few seconds, and then, when, the realisation sank in that the goal would actually stand, we started to celebrated the winner, and the crucial THREE POINTS to take us clear of 'the abyss'!

It waz a cr*p game in freeezin' conditions---but who cares!---

Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Santon (Haidara 73), Cabaye, Tiote (Marveaux 73), Gutierrez, Sissoko, Gouffran (Campbell 86) ,Cisse

Attendance: a 'mag'nificent 50,703 in the arctic conditions, but just 500 'P*ss Potts' in the visitors enclosure!    

THE TOON v THE PULIS P*SS POTTS ***TOODAY!

Posted '9:05am bells' Sunday 10th March 2013

    Action from wor 3-0 win against Stoke last season
    (spot the 'hedgehog'!)

Today we must torn wor attention away from wor European adventures (for a few days at least!) and get back to the 'nitty gritty' of the 'battle to avoid the abyss' when we take on 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke @ St James' this afternoon @ '3 bells'

Az I speak, light flakes of 'the white stuff' are startin' to faall from the sky across Tyneside and it sure to be nearly az caad az it waz in Moscow last Thorsday neet<(but NOT QUITE az caad!)

Cisse, Santon and 'Spiderman' are aall expected to play after bein' rested in Rushaa, while Ben Arfa who made hiz lang awaited comeback in Moscow iz doubtful again!

Yoo can be sure that the most borin' team in the Premyaa Leegue will pack their defence and come for a goal-less draw, but a win for us would see us climb level with them in the table.
Results yesterday were mixed and there iz still 'aall to play for' in the remainin' ten games.

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' later tooneet---and we can anly hope that it's a 'good one'!?---Watch this space!

THE ANZI MAKHACHKEMS v THE TOON ***TOMORROW NEET!

Updated '3:00am bells' Wednesday 6th March 2013

"BLEND IN!***DIVVINT FORGET YI RUSHAN HAT!"

It's not lang now until we set off into 'the unknown' when we fly to communist Rushaa for Tomorrow neets game against Anzi<(or iz it 'Anzhi'?) (Kick off '5 bells' GMT)<(Geordie Match Time!)('9:00 bells' in Rushaa)
Live on ITV4

UEFA have banned them from playin' their home European games in the Dagestan region of Rushaa, where they come from, becoz of civil unrest and have ordered them to play aall their games 1,000 miles away in Moscow!

A warnin' letter haz been sent with wor match tickets tellin' us to beware of pickpockets and muggers and to keep a low profile!

BUT!---we've AALREADY been 'mugged' twice with the exstorshanit<(Geordie Times spellin'!) cost of wor visas (£1,099 for five!) and wor match tickets, which are ower SIX TIMES more expensive than wot the Anzi fans have been charged! (£26, compared to £4 for them!)

Az far az we naa up to 75 diehards have managed to get tickets and visas so far, but just wot team they will see in The Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow (below) iz anybodys guess?, az we are still anly six points above 'the abyss' in the Premyaa Leegue and have a crucial home game against 'The P*ss Potts' of Stoke on Sunday afternoon!<(ie: will we risk a full strength team, OR send oot a 'resorve mixture'?)

A crowd of 12,000 iz expected in the 78,000 capacity 'plastic pitch' stadium, shared by the Rushan army club CSKA Moscow and Spartak Moscow, so we'll be ootnumbered by a canny few!

In a few minutes 'The Geordie Times' computaa gans into 'hibernation' for the umpteenth time this season and (he/she?) will wake up again sometime on Saturday, where a full match/drink/'secret police' report will be forthcomin' for yoo wor loyal reeeders from aroond the globe and beyond! "ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"

'GEORDIE TIMES'*** "RED SQUARE EXCLUUUSIVE!"

Posted '1:00pm bells' Tuesday 5th March 2013

TOON FAN 'BLONDIE ALAN'^
 HAZ BEEN SPOTTED  TODAY 
IN MOSCOW'S 'RED SQUARE'!
 

'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' who went to Rushaa yesterday, haz just contacted 'The Geordie Times' to tell us that it's nice and sunny in Moscow's Red Square!
BUT on the doonside, that the temperature iz minus 10 plus<(if yi see worra meeen!?)
He aalso tells us that it didn't take lang to get thru customs<(quicker than 'Toon Airport' he reckons!)

Wor KGB undercover reporter<(Kremlin Geordie Branch!) haz sent us this 'excluuusive photo of him dancin' with 'The Moscow Morris Men' in Red Square after downin' several large vodkas!-- "HIC!"

RUSHAN ROULETTE!

Posted '9:35am bells' Monday 4th March 2013

We must now torn wor attention to wor lang jorney to Rushaa, where we play Anzi in Moscow on Thorsday neet in the Europaa Leegue! ('5:00 bells' GMT)<(Geordie Match Time!) 

Whereaz 'The Toon' had 500 fans in the Ukraine a fortneet ago, this time because of the visa 'nightmare' we have had to endure, many fans 'gave up' and we have hord that anly 75 Toon fans will be there from the UK! (Moscow iz just 400 miles from Karkiv by the way!)

We were the lucky ones and wor visas and match tickets have came back ower the weekend, but my heart bleeds for the fans who were in Swanzee on Saturday, who were unable to get visas or couldn't afford it! (Quite a few have been left devastated that they cannit gan!)

Otha fans are still waitin' for their visas and must be sweatin this mornin' az the postie comes up the path!---a game of 'Rushan Roulette' if ever there waz one!   

THE SWAN LAKERS 1 THE TOON 0

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 3rd March 2013

"A BRIDGE TOOO FAR!"

THE TOON (in maroon!) ATTACK THE SWANZEE
GOAL DURIN' THE 2nd HALF (view from row V)

The trip started off @ St James' where the coach left @ '5:10 am bells' and some EIGHT HOURS later @ 1:15pm bells' we eventually arrived, exausted @ The Liberty Stadium after two motorway services stops on the way! (plus the driver gannin the lang way roond via the Severn Bridge instead of the 'M50', which iz much quicker?)<(the daft t**t had to 'cough up' £18 to get across!)


"WOT THE F**K ARE WE DEEIN' HERE?"

Anyway!---it waz a mad dash to one of the nearest boozers to the groond which waz caalled 'Coopers' and several pints of 'liquid lubrication' were 'swiftly dispatched' doon wor 'John o Groats'!<(see glossary of terms!)

It waz then off to the match where 1,000 Toon fans were present in the visitors section<(they wouldn't give us any more tickets!)

Swanzee started off the better and had a few chances to score in the forst period, where az The Toon, playin' in their 'unlucky' aall purple strip<(have we ever won wearin' this?) hardly had any chances az we attacked the far goal and I, for one waz happy to 'gan in' at the break level!

We were much better in the 2nd half az we attacked the end we were in and good chances by Cisse, Gouffran, and 'The Sissoko Kid' were missed and Cabaye hit the bar!

We were made to pay for the rued chances with just fower minutes to gan when a defensive mix up gifted Swanzee's Moore an easy chance and he slotted the baall past the dispairin' Rob Elliot in The Toon goal to make the lang jorney back even worse!

In the coach park afta the match some Toon fans 'kicked off' and started hoyin' stuff ower the fence where the Swanzee fans were. One inebriated fan<(we naa aall the big words!) then scaled the eight foot fence and jumped into the car park on the otha side! He landed on a car and put a big dent in it's roof!
He then climbed back ower the fence, faallin' ower a wheelie bin in the process and scarpered away!

The local 'Dibble' then boarded wor coach and telt us in ne uncortain torms that we wouldn' t be leavin' until the 'culprit' waz caught!
20 minutes later they'd 'got their man' and he waz led away in handcuffs to face the consequences of hiz actions!
We eventually left the groond one hour after game had ended and arrived back on Tyneside<(via the Severn Bridge again!) @ 'midneet and fifty bells'! 


Toon team: Elliot, Debucy, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Santon, Gouffran, Cabaye, Sissoko, Tiote (Marveaux 90), Gutierrez (Sola Amiobi 90), Cisse

Attendance: 20,405 (1,000 p*ssed off Toon fans!)

THE SWAN LAKERS v THE TOON ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '3:50am bells' Saturday March 2013


^ "IT DOESN'T GET MUCH WORSE
THAN THIS!---FOLKS!" ^


This mornin' we travel to yet anotha country to watch The Toon---(wor THORD different one in NINE DAYS!---that's IF! yoo include wor home game last weekend!---like!)----This time we are off to see the 'delights'? of sooth Wales via the 'M4' motorway for wor langest leegue jorney this season! <(Swanzee iz just a few miles fortha than Sooothampton!)

'The Geordie Times' iz 'slummin it' on the bus once again to avoid an owerneet stopower and divvint forget that we are off on a three day jaunt next week to Moscow in 'sub zero Rushaa' to watch us against 'The Anzi Machachems'<(That's IF we get wor visas and passports back in time from the Rushan embassy!?)

Az mentioned below, aa waz gannih 'bin' this trip to try and save a bit dosh for wor Moscow adventure, BUT mee heart ruled mee heed in the end!

Swanzee of course will be on a 'high' afta winnin the Leegue Cup @ Wembley last Sunday and we look forward to meetin up with their ridiculous mascot 'Cedric the Swan' once again, az the trophy iz paraded aroond The Liberty Stadium before the '3 bells' kick off!

We are on a bit of a 'high' at the moment az well of course and are up to the 'dizzy heights' of 13th in the Premyaa Leegue, so it shud be a canny game!
Az usual we wont speculate az to who will be playin for us but Rob Elliot iz sure to be in goal again az Tim Krul will be oot for at least anotha month!<(Steve Harper iz aalso 'knackered'!)

We leave in just ower an hours time from ootside St James' and a full match report wont be forthcomin til sometime on Sunday!

Watch this space!

PS: For thoze of yoo who are interested, I forgot to mention in mee Soothampton match report last week that 'Glennn from Ashington' DID make the kick off afta hiz road, rail and ferry trip back from the Ukraine----he made it with just half an hour to spare!