Tuesday 7 November 2017

053 boundary park oldham

Date of First Visit: 31st MARCH 1979

NEWCASTLE UNITED  3 (Nattrass, Shoulder, Withe)

ATTENDANCE 6,329 (1,500 Toon fans)


The 'Traf' bar next tih the 'Get Carter' car park in Gatesheed toon centre were runnin' a luxury mini bus tih this one, and we were telt that the bar would be open at 'seven bells' for an orly mornin' 'appitizer'!.

"Just knock on the window tih gerr'in!", we were telt, and (sure enough!) by the time we arrived there, there were quite a few 'bodies' in the bar!.
Sometime later the 'bus' torned up, but the anly trouble was, az wih hurried oot the bar tih claim the 'best seats', there were in fact 'nee seats' in the back tih sit on!.

The 'luxury bus' (az yeev nee doubt guessed by nuw!) was in fact a aad battered transit van! and ah did'nt fancy sittin' on a wheel arch aall the way doon tih Lancashire!.
"Divvint worry!", one of the lads said, "Aall just 'nick' a few stools oot the bar for wih tih sit on!", and that's what he did!.

The driver was a lad caalled Davy who a'd neva met before and he waz a reet rough lookin' bastard with a shaven heed, who looked like he'd just escaped from 'Durham' (jail!).
He had a large horn (er!---the kind yih blow in tee---NOT! the other kind!) which (of course!) he proceded tih blow in tee!

This waz followed by him shoutin' "FRESH FISH---CAUGHT IN THE OCEAN THIS MORNING!", at the top of hiz voice! (mimickin' the aad 'Laurel and Hardy' film of the 1930's where 'Stan' blew a huntin' horn to attract attention az they tried to sell fish!)
He looked totally 'off the map' and the bar manager waz not a 'happy bunny' az this waz (afta aall!) a 'lock in' and Gatesheed 'cop shop' waz just up the road!

It waz 'time tih gan' and mee worst fears aboot him were conformed az ah plonked mee 'arsenal' doon on one of the 'said' bar stools behind the drivers seat.
He reached into his 'sky rocket' and pulled oot a large syringe and procceded to inject himsel in the arm just before wih set off!.

F***** HELL!, ah thought, he's on F*****" HEROIN!---and---he's drivin' US! tih the F*****' match!.
Az yih can imagine?, the drive doon waz a bit 'hairy' tih say the least, and everytime he negotiated a roondaboot (at breakneck speed!) aall the stools the lads were sittin' on went flyin' tih the other side of the van, alang with the cans of 'gargel' and anythin' else that was'nt bolted doon!.

Tih try and stop this happenin' ah had an 'ingenious plan'!---aa anchored mee 'plates of meat' tih the floor by pushin' doon on it az hard az ah could, but unfortunatally on a couple of occasions it didn't work and ah went 'arse ower tit' in the process!.

There were of course nee bogs on the 'bus' so one of wor number, namley, *'Double Swahili' tried tih get a slash in an empty beer can, tekin' 'careful aim' az he did so!.
Some 'wise-crack' telt Davy tih 'hoy the anchors on' and az he did Kev went flyin' towards the back doors, spillin' the waam contents aall ower hiz troozaz! (He waz NOT! amused!) (Er!---but WE! were!)


When wih arrived in Oldham sometime later, a bit battered and bruised in the 'battered' bus! (but miraculously still in one piece!) wih 'hit' the forst booza wih came tee on Ashton Old Road and settled doon for the duration.
The bar looked the 'spit' of the 'Rovers' in 'Cryforthenation Street', (Er!---they're aalways f***** cryin' on it!) and fittingly it was a reet f*****' hovel, but there was nee sign of Ena 'Hairnet' Sharpless or hor sidekick Albert Twatlock (divvint forget---this was back in 1979!)
Anyway!--the 'Arthurs' were cheap, so like a loppy dog, that's where wih 'parked' worsels till just before kick off!.

After aboot half an hour a gadgie waalked through the door with a tray full of what looked like smaall scones and 'stottie cakes'?.
The manageress on seein' him shooted tih one of the barmaids, "HERE'S THE MUFFIN MAN!".

The whole bar just borst oot laughin', much to the puzzlement of the bar staff (and of course the 'Muffin man'!) az the phrase obviously meens sommik completely different in Oldham than what it does in Geordieland!.
(If there are any young Geordie 'sprogs' readin' this---just ask yih faatha what the 'facts of life' are and 'MUFFIN' will come intih the conversation somewhere!)

After he'd delivered his wares the 'Muff Diver'--er! sorry!---'Muffin Man' departed to a huge cheer from the Toon Travellers az he trundled off doon the road in his breed van!. (And to this day aall bet he still has'nt got a clue what was gannin on!)

Afta a few more gargels it was 'time tih gan' and so wih drank up and piled back intih the van for the short drive tih the groond as that horn got another 'airin'!. "Fresh fi**!"
Oldham's claim tih fame iz that they have the highest groond in England (or so mee book of 'futbaall facts' tellz iz?) and the windswept terraces behind wor goal conformed this az a cold chill blew doon from the pennines which lurked menacingly in the distant haze beyond!.

The open terrace was concreted at the front and 'grass banked' at the rear which blended in porfectly with the moss covered hills 'yonder'! (Very scenic!)
Not so 'scenic' was the ancient 'Lookers Stand' on the touchline which looked ready tih collapse at any moment, shud a sudden gust of wind hit it!

The Toon had a followin' of aboot a thoosand and a half, (plus the horn!) which made up a qwaata of the gate and within a minute of the start they were rewarded with a goal when Irving Nattrass lobbed in from close range, givin' the home keeper 'nee chance'!.
However!---the joy was short lived when Oldam equalised mid-way through the half afta wor defence was split in two.

It remained ones a piece til the break and afta a quick 'gypsies' in the 'tool-shed' tih get rid of the excess 'Pennine Bitter', (which was nee better than a 'trench' cut intih the hill-side!) it was back tih the action in the second half!.

The wind picked up after the restart and luckily it was in wor favour and we laid seige tih their goal, but it was'nt til half way through the half that we regained wor lead when Alan Shoulder was unceremoniously hacked doon in the box by Keegan (naa---not THAT one!) and he duly convorted the resultin' spot kick.

Bang on time and with the wind nuw a pennine gale, Peter Withe hit a fierce 'wind assisted' left footer intih the roof of the net afta fine work from Mick 'Zico' Martin who sent in a cross from the right. (3-1 tih the Toon!)

The 'Lookers Stand' (amazingly!) was still standin' at the final whistle, (just!) despite the batterin' from the elements which threatened tih tear it's roof off!, and wih heeded back ower the pennines homeward bound!, but not before Davy had another 'fix' before settin' off!.----Help!

Sometime later we arrived back at the 'Traf' (STILL! in one piece ah may add!) for some 'celebratary ales'!.
Aa mentioned tih one the lads that it was a miracle that Davy hadn't crashed the van az he was 'az high az a kite'!

"NO! NO! yih daft f****r", he's a DIABETIC!,---he's not on HEROIN!, he's on INSULIN!".
(Cue---BRIGHT RED FACE!) (Cue---EXIT from BAR!)

Aa later telt Davy mee story and asked him if it was aalreet tih include this 'piece'  and he readily agreed! (cheers mate!)

*'Double Swahili'---an explanation. He's so caalled coz when he's had a few liquids he slurs his words and soonds like he's taalkin' in 'Swahili' az nebody can understand him!

Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

*For 'Geordie Glossary of Terms' go to 'popular posts'  in right hand side bar >>>>>>>>>>>>>

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