THE TOON V THE JELLIED EELS MOB*** 12:30 BELLS'

 Posted from '11:30am bells onwards, Saturday 17th April 2021

"SORRY! WE HAVE NEE ROOM IN WOR BEER GARDEN TODAY!"

NO ROOM AT THE INN!

Despite repeated attempts to book into a multitude of Toon boozers with tellys in their beer gardens to watch the match, we have been unsuccessful and so we must watch the match on a dodgy channel on wor laptop at Geordie Times HQ once again!

This iz yet anothaa 'must not lose game', with Fulim not playin til tomorrow v The Arse and West Brom not playin at aall this weekend!

And so this iz a great chance to pull well clear of them IF we can somehow win against high flying West Ham at SJP!

The man we fear for the east Londoners iz Jesse Lingard, who haz scored 8 goals in hiz last 9 games! (He's on loan from Moan U)

With Saint Maximin and Callum Wilson now fully fit, we expect them to be in the starting line up which will be reproduced below in a few minutes time!

But what formation will Brucey play, we ask worsels?  If we gan for a draw and a point we fear it will backfire badly, and so (hopefully) we will gan aall oot for the 3 points to drag us 9 points clear of Fulim and 11 points clear of 'Fat Sam the Ugly Man's, West Brom!

Oh no!  He prefers Joelinton to Wilson!??? Iz Brucey gannin for yet anothaa home draw?  Wor 4th in a row????

A running 🏃‍♂️ commentary on any major incidents or goals, will be updated periodically below!

*

*13th min  1st shot on goal by Murphy at The Leazes End!

*18th min 2nd shot on target by Saint Max

*22nd min  Saint Max run through West Ham defence and hiz shot iz deflected for a corner

*34th min GOAL SAINT MAX SHOT GANS IN OFF DIOP  AND DAWSON IS SENT OFF FOR 2ND BOOKABLE OFFENCE!

40TH MIN  GOAL JOELINTON TAPS BAALL OWER THE LINE FROM 1INCH OOT 2-0 (A GOAL YOUR GRANNY COULD HAVE SCORED WITH HOR ZIMMERFRAME!)

HT 2-0 UP

*53rd min Commentator: Former West Ham player Frank McAveney used to party in London and used to go to bed with co-co (Iz that a cup of co-co or Co-co the clown?)

*72nd minute Despite playin with 10 men West Ham are dominant and pull a goal back through Diop with a heeded goal! (panic stations!)

*79th min  Oh no a penalty to West Ham and Lingard makes nee misstayk from the spot 2-2 (will we blow it now!)

*82nd minute  GOAL  SUPERSUB JOE WILLOCK WHO HAZ BEEN ON FOR 83 SECONDS HEEDS HOME FROM A FANTASTIC RICHIE CROSS TO PUT US BACK IN THE LEAD! (Below)

*90TH MINUTE    4TH OFFICIAL SHOWS 8(EIGHT) MINS STOPPAGE TIME!!!! (SQUEEKY BUM TIME FOLKS!)

*98TH MINUTE  REF BLOWS FOR FULL TIME AND WE ESCAPE WITH THE 3 POINTS TO PUT US 9 POINTS CLEAR OF FULIM AND MOVE TO 15TH IN THE TABLE----AALMOST SAFE NOW----AALL WE WANT IZ FOR THE ARSE TO BEAT FULIM TOMORROW AND WE WILL SURELY BE SAFE!

bRUCEY HAZ A LOT TO ANSWER FOR, PLAYIN LIKE THAT IN THE 2ND HALF AGAINST 10 MEN WHEN WE WERE 2-0 UP---LUCKY B*STARD COMES TO MIND!

MORE PICS TO FOLLOW MUCH LATER AZ A'M OFF TO A BEER GARDEN TO CELEBRATE!  

"YAA HOO!"🤪👍

 

BORIS RECEIVES "BRILLIANT" NEWS ON THE NUFC TAKEOWER!

 Posted '1:47pm bells' Friday 16th April 2021

It haz been reported in 'The Daily Mail' that wor prime minister Boris Johnson haz said that it woz "BRILLIANT" news that the NUFC takeower bid woz still on track!

 And he could barely contain hiz glee, when told by an aide!

A statement from Boris:

"Let's make this absolutely crystal clear!  I have NOT interfered with the Newcastle United proposed takeover by the Saudis!  But it is indeed brilliant news that the deal could be resurrected!" "HOWAY THE LADS!"

MORE TWISTS AND TURNS IN THE TAKEOWER SAGA!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 15th April 2021

NUFC SHARE THE FRONT PAGE OF A NATIONAL NEWSPAPER WITH ROYAL FAMILY!  

WHO WOULD EVER HAVE BELIEVED THAT!?

New developments have surfaced in the Saudi takeower saga, az a leaked letter states that the culture Secretary Oliver Dowden haz said that there iz no reason the believe that there iz a connection between the PIF and the Saudi government!

Indeed prime minister Boris haz been approached by Bin Salam aboot the way the Premyaa Leegue have treated the PIF unfairly!

The front page of today's Daily Mail conforms this and we reproduce the correspondence between Dowden and John Nicolson in the Parliamentary debate on the subject!

Iz the deal back on?---We can anly hope and pray that it IZ! and that the lang suffering Toon fans can finally have a team to challenge for major trophies and not fight relegation battles season after season after season after season after -----!

And from wor local 'rag' 'The Ronny Gill'

SHOP STAFF SHAFTED!

 Posted '3:00pm bells' Wedinzday 14th April 2021

News that wor beloved owner? known affectionatly az The Fat Controller to Toon fans, haz sent letters to the NUFC club shop staff, tellin' them that they have been sacked az the new owners divvint want them!

New owners?---Haz sommik happened behind the scenes?  Haz the Saudi takeower been reserected?  Who knows???

In the letters sent to the staff, thats exactly wot they have been told!  A bit of a shock and a disgrace to be 'shafted' in a letter and not told personally!---But nowt surprises us with this club anymore!

But mystery still surroonds the bid and buildin' wor hopes up after they have been dashed so many times iz soul destroyin' to say the least, especially with the 'fare' sorved up on the pitch!

The Geordie Times will beleeeeve it when or IF it eventually happens!

Until then, fingers crossed that the deal WILL gan through!

PS: Hopefully the club shop staff will be re-employed by the potential new owners?---Who will staff the shop if they aren't?

IT'S NOT OWER TIL IT'S OWER!

Posted '10:50am bells' Tuesday 13th April 2021

West Brom's 3-0 win ower Sooothampton last neet meenz that they are now 8 points behind us!   With Fulim 6 points adrift the relegation fight iz far from ower!

Sooothampton have now been dragged into it and are only 4 points aheed of us now!

Brightins 0-0 draw v Evaatin, meenz that they move one point aheed of us on 33, alang with Bornley, who The Toon beat on Sunday!

Wor game v West Ham next Saturday  iz another game that we must try and win and NOT gan for a draw!

6 more points (38) shud see us safe, but with games v Liverpoool, Lestaa, The Arse and Man City coming up after West Ham, it won't be plain sailing for sure!

It's not ower til its ower folks!

LIQUID LUBRICATION LOCATIONS REOPEN BEER GARDENS!

 Posted '3:00pm bells' Munday 12th April 2021

"HORRAY!"---"THE BEER GARDENS HAVE REOPENED!"

A CUSTOMER ENJOYS A COLD BEER!

After five and a half lang months the boozers have finally reopened today and this iz great news!  The bad news iz that its anly ootside beer gardens that have been allowed to reopen and sorve beer!

The weather on Tyneside haz been perishingly cold and below zero, with heavy snow and gales ower the last few days!

LAST NEET OOTSIDE THE GEORDIE TIMES HQ!

The Geordie Times haz some excluusive photos and a video when the beer gardens finally reopened this mornin'! 

"HORRAY!"---"A  'DRAUGHT' BEER AND A PUB MEAL AT LAST!"

*

THE BORNLEY HILLBILLIES V THE TOON*** 'HIGH NOON' BELLS'

 Posted from '11:11am bells' onwards, Sunday 11th April 2021

*Missin from the starting 11 are Wilson and Saint- Max?

We were told that they were fit, so WHY are they on the subs bench?

Another defensive master class(less) from Brucey?

AALL the main incidents will be reported (aalmost) live from Geordie Times HQ from kick off time on wor laptop! (2 minute time delay on ☠, so bare with us!)

*Toon in wor yellow peril change kit?

*Commentator: NUFC havnt won a single game without Wilson this season (az camera pans to Wilson in stand!)

*17th min goal to bornley

Vydra unmarked in box!

1-0 doon!  No shits from us so far (shots!)

*38th minute penalty claim from NUFC for high kick-- VAR no penalty!

Still no shots from us!

(Grafics say we've had 1 shit---cant remember that?)

*42nd minute   a SHOT from Dummet ! Nearly an own goal, but Dubravka makes a brilliant save!

HT 1-0 doon   TERRIBLE! SHOCKING!

*56th minute: At last Wilson and Saint Max on!

*GOAL FOR MURPHY   FROM SAINT MAX PASS

GREAT STRIKE! 1-1

*GOAL  GREAT SAINT MAX STRIKE! 2-1 UP!

*PS: Wor lasses daughter Julie told me Saint Maximin had scored when she got an alert on hor phone!   I told hor that Saint Max DIDNT score and it woz hiz pass to Murphy, who scored!

"No! No!" she said "its 2-1 and Saint Max HAZ scored!" (The joys of watchin on a pirate channel with a 2 minute time delay!☠)

A minute later after she told me, he DID score on wor laptop!

*FULL TIME WON 2-1   A GAME OF 2 HALFS FOR CERTAIN!🤪👍

*6 points clear of Fulim

11 points clear of Fat Sam the Ugly Man!

*Aalso dragged Bornley and Brightin into the relegation dog fight!🐕

More memory loss by Brucey in hiz post match press conference:

"We can't get carried away, but back to back wins in the Premier League is huge!" 

(Did we actually beat Sporz 2-2 last week???????🤔)

And The Saint said this after the match!

THE GEORDIE TIMES SPOT THE DIFFERENCE APPLE PIE AND CUSTARD QUIZ!

 Posted '6:00pm bells' Saturday 10th April 2021

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!

BRUCEY PLAYS 'MIND GAMES' WITH HIMSELF AGAIN!

*FRIDAY!

*TODAY!

*A FEW WEEKS AGO!

*EARLIER THIS WEEK!

*And then theres the press conference where he said we'd anly lost to Moan U and Chelski---completely forgettiin' the horror show against Cristil Palliss, when we lost 2-1 at SJP!?

*With a crazy mixed up forgetful mind like that, who knows wot formation he will play tomorrow at 'high noon bells' at Bornley?

Attack? Defend? Play with split strikers? Play with a false 9?

Who knows wot will happen, but we will soon find oot from the team line up and when the game kicks off!

Wor own 'finkin' iz that he will play for a draw with a defensive formation---when he shud be gannin aall oot for a win, az the next 5 games are against 'The Jellied Eels Mob' (West Ham), Liverpoool, The Arse, 'The Basil Brush Brigade' (Lestaa) and The Blue Moonies! (Man City)----aall of them very tough games, where we will be lucky to get 2 points in total!

So pleeeze! pleeeze! Brucey, "GAN FOR IT!" (ie: Be positive for a change!)

3 points would lift us 6 points above Fulim, but a draw or defeat will give both Fulim and West Brom hope of  still catchin' us and escapin' the dreaded drop! (ie: 3 points for NUFC would virtually relegate both of them!)

Az per usual "Watch this space from 'high noon bells' tomorrow az we report live from wor laptop at Geordie Times HQ!

SUNDAY ROAST TO FRIDAY FEAST!

 Posted from '7:45pm bells' onwards, Friday 9th April 2021

A FRIDAY NEET FEAST AT THE BRUCE RESIDENCE!

*

*Mitrovic's goal for Fulim woz scored in the 60th minute!

The game finished 35 minutes later when Brucey foond oot the full time score!  It must have been a MASSIVE dinner plus a HUGE apple pie for him to take so lang to eat it!

* Tooneet, for Fulim's game v Wolves, hiz 'good lady' iz cookin' him  a Desperate Dan Cow pie with aall the trimmings!  That should take him at least half an hour to scran!

Az for dreadin' watchin' the game, he haz anly got himself to blame for the prediciment that we are in! He literally put us in this situation and now he can't bear to watch!

Az for 'The Geordie Times' watchin' the game, which kicks off shortly at '8:00 bells'? We cannit bring worsels to watch eethaa and will wait for the countless text and Whatsapp messages, which will no doubt  follow, should any goals be scored!----

'The Geordie Times' will of course bring yoo the score just after the full time whistle!-----A Fulim win meeenz NUFC drop into the bottom 3 on goal difference, with 2 games in hand!

A Wolves win or a draw tooneet, will keep Fulim in the bottom 3 instead!

So a win at Bornley for 'us' at 'high noon bells' on Sunday iz vital and will put us 6 points clear of danger, should Wolves win!?🙏

"COME ON YOO WOLVES!"

Full time score at approx '10:00 bells'

Footnote: When Lady Di woz killed in a car crash in 1997 'The Premyaa Leegue' caalled aall games off at the last minute, in respect!

We were on wor way to Liverpoool to watch The Toon when we foond oot the news, az we were drivin' through Low Fell in Gatesheed!  We did a quick 'u turn' and heeded back to The Toon!

With The Duke of Edinburgh's death today, we fully expected that tooneets game at Fulim would be caalled off az well!

It ISN'T of course and neeethaa are any of the other games ower the weekend, so why 'the double standards' from 24 years ago???

Whats the difference this time??? 

FULL TIME: FULIM 0  WOLVES 1 !  "GET IN!"

🤪👍

Its in wor own 🖐🖐now!

We are 3 points aheed of Fulim with 2 games in🖐!

THE BROON ALE PLEDGE!

 Posted '2:45pm bells' Friday 9th April 2021

Followin' on from the '1892Pledge' for Toon fans to pledge money in the hope that we the fans can buy a smaall stake in wor great club, 'The Geordie Times' iz startin' a 'Pledge' fund az well, caalled 'The Fink Broon Ale Pledge'!

If 50,000 Toon fans pledge just £1 then I can gan to Aldi and buy 35,971 bottles of Broon at £1:39 a bottle, to get completely comotosed before each game for the foreseeable future!

PS: Pledges to 'Pledge1892' can be made to: 

1892pledge.co.uk 

And for pledges to The Geordie Times? Just send poond coins to

The Geordie Times HQ, Geordieland-on-Tyne