THE QUEEN'S XMAS MESSAGE TO THE TOON ARMY! (GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!)

 Posted '3:00pm bells' Xmas Day 2020

 "As an avid member of The Toon Army can I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!

It has been an anus horriblus year for all of us and we can only hope that the NUFC takeover finally happens in 2021!

Us royal families must stick together and we hope that this finally happens in the not to distant future and that we can get rid of 'The Fat Controller' once and for all!

Once again I wish you all a very happy Christmas and fingers crossed for the new year!

HOWAY THE LADS!"

X CERTIFICATE GAMES @ XMAS!

 Posted '1:50pm bells' Xmas Eve 2020

     NEAR THE MOUTH OF THE RIVER TYNE!

Steve Bruce---the tactical genius that he iz, has said that he will rest wor top goalscorer Callum Wilson ower the Xmas period!

In layman's terms this meeenz that we will hoy on another defender and play 11 men behind the baall against Maan City, Liverpoool and Lestaa in wor next 3 games, in a desperate bid to try and keep the scores doon to single figures!

1364/1 FOR NUFC TO WIN AALL 3!---MUST BE SOME KIND OF RECORD!?

BRENTFAAD 1 THE TOON 0 *** LEEGUE CUP QWAATAA FINAL 2020-2021

 Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 23rd December 2020

RADIO "GAA GAA!"

"HOW LUCKY AM I?" (Diary of an NUFC fan/trucker)

'High noon bells' Munday 21st: I'm off work on Tuesday so that I can watch the Toon on mee laptop v Brentfaad (Me normal hours clash with the kick off time of '5:30 bells')

I get a phone caall from work at 'high noon bells': Gaffer: "Agency havvint got any drivers to cover your shift tomorrow!" Can you do shift and we will give yoo an extra 2 days holiday?"

"OK, but can I leave earlier than normal, so that I can watch the match on mee phone at Redditch?", I asked

"YES!" came the reply----so I said that I would 'do it'!

Tuesday 22nd: Got to Redditch just before '5pm bells' and opened the wagon curtains so that the fork truck driver could tip and load it!

He did and I woz ready to watch the match at '5:30 bells'--- but disaster!---I couldnt get a picture on mee phone's screen!

In desperation aa put the truck's radio on to listen on Radio 5 live!

Not good news az Brentfaad were 'aall ower us' and had hit the bar!

After repeated attempts to get a picture, the screen burst to life and I could now watch the remainder of the forst half!----But then disaster struck again, just before half time, when the bloody picture froze!

I decided to 'give up' and listen to the commentary of the 2nd half on the radio, az I drove back up the M42 motorway!

We wornt playin well and when az aa passed the Tamworth services exit, Brentfaad scored! (Another 'disaster'!)

We were now playin reely badly and Brentfaad were by far the better team! By the time I reached the M1 north, we had a total of FOUR strikers on the pitch at the same time to try and get a goal back (Wilson, Gayle, Joelinton and Carroll) and the commentator said, "Newcasil have got 2 five a side teams on the pitch in opposite ends!"? 

It didnt work (of course!) and az aa passed East Midlands Airport the ref blew for full time and wor 'dream' of a Wembley final woz ower yet again! (A 'dream' of watchin' it online!)

One of the most damnin' things woz that we had put oot a virtually full strength team, while Brentfaad had made 5 changes from their previous Championship game!

After the match wor beleagered manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' woz interviewed! 

"Progress was there for everyone to see!---We got to a quarter final!" ("WOW!")--This certainly IZ 'a work in progress!?")

 One of Bruce's excuses: "It would help if I had another centre half and could put Issac (Hayden) into midfield!"

"I won't make excuses!" (????????)

(* We have one on wor books Steve, he's caalled Florian Lejeune and iz on loan to Spanish club Alaves!)

And another 'famous' Bruce quote, "We'll just have to dust ourselves down and carry on!" (ie: "What a 'Carry On'!")

A LORRY LOAD OF THESE WERE DELIVERED TO 

THE BENTON TRAININ' GROOND TODAY!

So there we have it!---another dreadful and abysmal performance and I missed watchin' most of it!

"HOW LUCKY AM I ???"

SOME WHERE NEAR NUFCs TRAININ' GROOND LAST NEET!

BRENTFAAD V THE TOON *** LEEGUE CUP QWAATAA FINAL @ '5:30 BELLS' TOONEET@

 Posted '6:00am bells' Tuesday 22nd December 2020

'NO GO' FOR 'THE NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS'!

For the 2nd competitive game in a row on a new groond, 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be missin, az will any Brentfaad fans, as we make wor debut at The Brentfaad Community Stadium in west London! (Newport woz missed az well!)

And so it is with a heavy heart that we must watch on from afar on wor tellys, laptops and mobile 'telling bones'! (in my case, mee mobile phone on an extended break in mee truck at Redditch in deepest Worcestershire!)

It haz been conformed that Jamaal Lascelles and Allan Saint-Maximin are the 2 NUFC players sufferin from 'long covid' (az though we hadnt worked it oot, coz they were missin from previous squads)

The Geordie Times wishes them a speedy recovery and hope that they will be back in the side soon!

The prize of victory iz a place in the semi finals of the Leegue Cup, which will be a one legged affair this season! (At the beginnin' of January)

The winners will be at Wembley at the end of February, where it will more than likely played behind closed doors in the 90,000 seat arena! (How sad!)

A full Geordie Times match report on the game will be published sometime on Wedinzday!---Az per usual---"Watch this space!"

INCONSISTANTLY INCONSISTANT!

 Posted from '1:26pm bells' Sunday 20th December 2020

In the aftermath of yet another boring depressin and negative performance from NUFC the 'keyboard warriors', the press and TV pundits give their verdicts! 

Less possession than the 10 men of Fulim and just 4 shots on target (includin the penalty!) tells it's own sorry tale!

We will update anything we find throughout the day!

I must have been watchin a different game on mee laptop last neet!?🤔

THE TOON V FULIM *** TOONEET AT '8 BELLS'

 Posted from '7:00pm bells' onwards Saturday 19th December 2020

ST. JAMES' PARK (top right) FROM THE BANKS OF THE RIVER TYNE

Updates on goals and major incidents az they happen on mee laptop!

'7:13pm bells'

*Just before kick off   The bright lights of SJP shine brightly in the night sky beside the Elswick tower blocks (View from Geordie Times HQ)

*22nd minute

Halfway through the first half and its still stalemate between the sides

Possession 

36% to NUFC---64% to Fulim

Not good enough!

goal   0-1  own goal by Matt Ritchie in the 41st minute at The Gallowgate End!---

HT 0-1 against a team in the relegation zone

Simply 2nd best

Two thirds possession to the Londoners!

*GOAL! CALLUM WILSON PENALTY 62ND MINUTE

FULIM DOON TO 10 MEN!

WILSON PENALTY!

Full time 1-1 despite playin against 10 men from a team in the relegation zone who had 56% possession to wor 44%

Simply not very good, but that's wor level now!

I cannit beleeve that I am happy to take a point from this game---but I am 

TIER 3 AZ EXPECTED! = NEE FANS INSIDE SJP!

 Posted '2:24am bells' Friday 18th December 2020   Updated Saturday

An empty SJP before the WBA game!  It will be the same for the visit of Liverpoool near the end of the month (sorry aboot the picture quality!)

The north east is to remain under Tier 3 restrictions til at least the end of December at the bequest of Boris and Co!

This meenz that there will be nee NUFC fans allowed into ST. JAMES' PARK for wor Premyaa Leegue game v Liverpoool on December 30th (Wor 14th home game in a row that we cannit watch in the flesh!)

The Northern Leegue haz postponed AALL fixtures for tomorrow az anly 150 fans will be allowed to attend games, with clubhooses forced to close!

 Nee food or drinks can be sold, even at outside kiosks!

Az these clubs depend on food and drink sales to stay afloat, the decision woz taken to cancel games az they are unviable!  (Wot a farce!)

PS: We had planned to gan to Northern Leegue Carlisle City's game V Billingham Synthonia for wor Saturday groundhop fix! (Now off of course!)

We are now gannin to Dunston, where a friendly haz been arranged against The Pit Yakkers of Ashington! (Own cans of ale to be taken in and consumed!)

And then afterwards of course, it's back yem to watch NUFCs home game v Fulim on mee laptop! (Kick off '8:00 bells' on a pirate channel!☠(Allegedleee!) 

Some bad news though. 2 unnamed Toon players are said to have 'long covid' symptoms and will be missin for a while, while 5 others (aalso unnamed) will be missin az well!

Updated '6:50 pm bells'

'Broken Nose Bruce' haz just said on Look North: "If yoo get 20 points by Christmas you'd be jumpin up and down!" (NUFC have 17) 

This iz just how far wor expectations have faallen in the last 13 years under 'The Fat Controller's leadership? (Oh for a takeower by a Saudi prince!🙏)

Match report on both games in due course!

Updated '12:33pm bells' Saturday 19th December

DUNSTON'S GAME V ASHINGTON HAZ BEEN CAALLED OFF AT THE LAST MINUTE!---so we have nee games to gan tee to get wor Saturday fix!

We have nee idea why, but fear and guess that 'the bat out of hell' virus has struck yet again!🦇😳

LEEEDZ V THE TOON *** '6 BELLS' TOONEET!

 Posted from '5:05pm bells' onwards! Wedinzday 16th December 2020

The Geordie Times will update any score az it happens!

Will be watchin on mee laptop!

The game kicks off with Big Ted,Little Ted and Mr Penguin in attendance!(Toon in dark strip)

 

*GOAL! HENDRICK SHOT

1-0 UP 25TH MINUTE!

goal  1-1 bamford 34th minute

HT 1-1  Leeedz the much better team

Lucky to be level at the break! 

goal 2-1 to leeedz 60th minute

GOAL! CLARK 

HEEDER 68TH MINUTE! 2-2

goal Leeedz retake the lead 78th minute

(Sean Longstaff mistayk!)

goal 4-2 to Leeedz   game ower! 82nd minute

goal definitely game ower

5-2 doon 87th minute 

FT 5-2 to Leeedz!😖

DOON TO ORTH (Earth) WITH A BANG!💥

PS: Broken Nose Bruce said that we matched them for 78mins.  The facts says otherwise: 30% possession to us, 70% to them, plus they had nearly 3 times az many shots than we did!

A futbaall match lasts 90mins, Steve!

LEEEDZ V THE TOON *** 25 IN A ROW!

 Posted 'just after high noon bells' Wedinzday 16th December 2020

HAZ ⬇️IT⬇️ REEELY ⬇️COME⬇️ TO⬇️ THIS?⬇️

The Newport game on mee mobile tellin' bone!

*Havin' been to every competitive Toon game in a 25 year period and doin 1,201 games in a row, that run came to an abrupt end, becoz of the 'bat out of hell' pandemic, when we played Sheff United at SJP behind closed doors last Joon! 

In total contrast and since then, I will have missed 25 games in a row after we play Leeedz tooneet (With nee fans allowed in, of course!)

Since then I have 'Tellyhopped' and watched or hord NUFC in various locations, from pub big screens,(when the pubs are open!), the grandbairns hoose TV, mee mates hoose TV and in wor hoose, on a dodgy channel on mee laptop and mobile telling' bone!----and av even listened to one on mee van's radio!(on mee drive!) (I don't have Sky etc!)

Of course aall NUFC fans are in 'the same boat az me' and with the Tier 3 restrictions still in place, it looks like we will be 'tellyhoppin' for some time to come!

The virus haz of course struck wor team and several players and staff have been very ill with it, includin' Isaac Hayden who spent TEN days in bed with it!!! (We wish them aall a very speedy recovery!)

While Hayden haz recovered and played against WBA last Saturday, 2 unnamed players are reported to be very unwell!

We will be depleated again tooneet and we will have a clue an hour before the '6:00 bells' kick off just who iz fit and available?

The sooner the 'miracle' vaccine haz been rolled oot and virus iz hopefully gone, then things can get back to some form on normality, when the pubs and tornstiles reopen, with 52,000 screamin' (drunken!) Geordies inside SJP! 

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime later, after watchin' the game yet again on mee laptop! (That shud read 'tryin to watch', az the picture will probably freeze a few times!)

Oh to gan to an away game again and be back into mee seat in row 'B', seat '97' of The Milburn Stand balcony for home games!

PS: Boris will announce this afternoon wot 'Tier' we will be in---we fully expect that we will remain in 'Tier 3' (ie: nee pubs open, nee fans at SJP!)

We will of course tell yoo the answer later!

"AND THEN THERE WOZ 4!"

 Posted 'just after midneet bells' Tuesday 15th December 2020

News that London has been placed into Tier 3 iz thanx in the main to The Geordie Times who forced Matt Hancock the health secretary into a 'U' turn, to take them oot of Tier 2! (Az they had a much higher infection rate than 'us'!) (See posts below!)

This meenz that aall 6 London Premyaa Leegue clubs can nee langer let fans into their groonds!  

The north east and the rest of the country who were in Tier 3--will remain in the same Tier!

This leaves just 4 sides who can let 2,000 fans in, oot of the 20 top flight clubs!

An unfair advantage to the 2 scouse clubs and 2 from the south coast in Tier 2 (Brighton, Soothampton, Liverpoool and Everton) if yoo ask us!

Until every team iz on the same level playin field, then these 4 teams will surely have the upper hand on the rest!

Aall or nothing!--iz the fairest way!

And az for the boozers enforced closures!-----Roll on 2021!