NORTH SHEEELDZ ATHLETIC 0 CULLERCOATS 4 *** NORTHERN ALLIANCE PREMYAA DIVISION

 Posted '8:00am bells' Munday 14th September 2020

"NORTH SHEEELDZ SAIL CLOSE TO THE WIND!"

"AZ CULLERCOATS APPLY A GLOSS FINISH!"

 Wor forst choice of games to gan tee woz of course NUFC away to 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham in eest London!

Of course that game woz behind closed doors and so we couldn't gan!

Choice number 2 woz to gan and watch Whitley Bay play 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston in the FA Cup, but 2 Dunston players went doon with the virus and so they had to cancel the game!

And so to choice number 3, which woz Porcy Main Amataaz v Blue Star, but unbelievibleee a Blue Star player aalso tested positive for 'the bat out of hell' virus!!! and that game woz cancelled az well!!! 

(Am I a JINX?)

Just alang the road from Porcy Main, North Sheeeldz Athletic were playin Cullercoats in 'the coast derby' and the game woz definitely ON!   (Thank god!) 4th time lucky!?

We met up at North Sheeeldz Metro station (Me, Big Al, Tex Taylor and Gary, who lives nearby)

A 'mini pub crawl' woz in the offing in boozers on the way to the groond! Forst 'port o call' woz 'The Pub & Kitchen', which iz run by a lad caalled Mick and who we naa from Toon games!

He insisted on gettin us the first roond of drinks 'on the house', which woz very nice of him! "Cheers Mick!"

It woz then 'onward' towards the groond alang Preston Road, but not before another 'port o call' at The Spread Eagle!

Kick off had now come and gone az we rushed towards the pitch, which iz inside the groonds of John Spence High School !

We'd missed 15 minutes of the game and aa asked an old gadgy if there woz any score!

"One-nil to them!", he replied

"But which team?" I said, and he replied, "The team North Sheeeldz are playin'!"

It turned oot that he'd come to see his grandson, who woz playin for Sheeeldz, but didn't have a clue just who they were playin'!

"Cullercoats!", I told him, as we took wor places on a grass bank beside the pitch!

It woz dead windy and Cullercoats ,who played in black n white quartered shirts, had the wind behind them!

This proved to be decisive as they doubled their lead with a wind assisted pile driver from one of their forwards, which gave the Sheeeldz keeper 'nee chance'!

It woz soon 3-0 to the visitors from alang the coast when the Sheeldz keeper made a fine save from another wind assisted shot, anly for a Cullercoats player to heed into the net from the rebound!

The half time whistle blew and we heeded for the nearest ,'tool-shed' for a 'gypsies kiss' to get rid of the excess alcohol!

And an added 'bonus' woz aboot to greet us az we entered the buildin'---for there woz a BAR complete with beer pumps, which we didnt expect inside some school groonds!

AN OASIS IN THE DESERT!

Pints were quickly ordered, but the other 3 decided to stay put for the duration and MISS the 2nd half!

I woz having non of it and quickly downed mee pint of John Smith's a returned to the game which had restarted!

The wind had died doon, which didnt help Sheeeldz and before lang a penalty woz awarded to Cullercoats for some unknown reason?

Their number 9 took it (aa fink?) and sent the keeper the wrang way to put them 4-0 up

A 'whitewash' for 'Culler'coats (sic!)

                                                            CULLERCOATS PENALTY

It woz then back to the bar for another 'liquid lubrication' before eventually heedin back to the centre of Sheeeldz (via The Gunner)

to catch the Metro to 4 Lane Ends (Benton) where we watched The Toons 2-0 win at West Ham in The Black Bull, to complete a canny day oot!

Official Geordie Times attendance: 61 (Aye, aa counted them--and 'me'!)

*

THE JELLIED EELS MOB 0 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2020-2021

 Posted '10:25am bells' Sunday 13th September 2020

CALLUM WILSON GOAL!---VIEW FROM TABLE 16!

A great start to the season and a superb 3 points!

We watched the match in The Black Bull in Benton after we'd been to Sheeeldz to watch North Sheeeldz Athletic lose 4-0 to Cullercoats in The Northern Alliance (match report on that game later!)

We'd tried to get into The Benton Ale hoose forst, but they were full and so made a mad dash alang the road to 'The Bull' and thankfully there woz room inside!

We played well in the opening period az the new players gelled aalmost immediately, and we shud have been ahead at the break, but missed several chances to open the scorin'!

Very encouraging!

And then the breakthrough 9 minutes into the 2nd period when new £20 million striker Callum Wilson scored a classic poachers goal when he toe poked the baall into the net, just beatin' their keeper to baall to send the 100 or so Toon fans in the bar wild with delight!

We were well on top and went for the jugular as West Ham struggled to contain wor attacking prowess!

The icing on the cake came with just 3 minutes left on the clock when another new debutant Jeff Hendrick hit a screeeemer from just inside the box, which gave the home keeper 'nee chance'!

JEFF HENDRICK'S SCREEEEMER!

The win and clean sheet meant that we are 2nd in the table behind The Arse and above The Liverbirds---for the time bein' at least!

Happy days!---after the farce of the takeower!

'OFFICIAL' ATTENDANCE IN THE BLACK BULL: 100

"PORCY MAIN AMATAAZ!---HERE WE COME!" (or NOT az the case may be!)

 Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 11th September 2020

Updated '9:40am bells' Saturday

PURVIS PARK, PORCY MAIN AMATAAZ

Az the never endin NUFC takeower saga drags on (and on!), we are off to the coast to watch a game on Saturday afternooon! 

We intended to gan to Whitley Bay to watch their FA Cup preliminary tie against 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston, but unfortunately the game haz been cancelled az 2 Dunston players have tested positive for covid-19 and the whole squad must therefore self isolate for 14 days!  We wish them a speedy recovery!

Az there woz nee chance of a postponement, Dunston were forced to forfeit the tie!

We desperateleee scoured the local non leegue fixture list for the north Tyneside coast area and 2 Northern Alliance games came up---both in North Sheeeldz! (We'd decided to gan to that area anyway for a few 'gargels', after the Whitley Bay game!)

North Sheeeldz Athletic v Cullercoats and Porcy Main Amataaz v Blue Star came up on the internet with '2:30 bells' kick offs!

We picked the Porcy Main game az it haz a clubhoose, whereaz North Sheeelz duzzint!  Whether its open though, due to the pandemic, iz anybodys guess??? We shall soon find oot tomorrow!

After that game we intend to find a boozer in North Sheeeldz or nearby Tynemoooth to watch 'The Toon' on the telly at '8:00 bells' v 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham in eest London!

Defiantly oot are Mark Dubravka, Dwight Gayle and 'Fab' Schar, but there could be a possible FIVE debutants, and they are Jamal Lewis, Ryan Frazer, Callum Wilson, Jeff Hendrick and goalie Mark Gillespie!  Lets hope they 'gel' straight away and give us hope for the new season after the dispair of the takeower! (Which haz still a slim chance of happennin'!?)

Meeenwhile, and az we speak, wor U23s are kickin' off against 'The Smoggies' U23s at Little Benton and of course it's behind closed doors, so we cannit gan!

Updates from U23s game from 'high noon bells' onwards:

NUFC U23s 0 v 1 Smoggies U23s (Liddle 10th minute (pen)

1-1 34th minute; Niall Brookwell with low shot for hiz debut goal!

2-1 up 40th minute; Elliot Anderson fires home from a Longelo cross!

HALF TIME 2-1 up

2-2 65th minute; Isiah Jones (Just after Adam Wilson had just had a goal ruled 'off-side' for NUFC!)

Jack Young 'skied' a baall ower the bar which would won the game for The Toon U23s with just 2 minutes left on the clock!

FULL TIME 2-2

Updated '9:40am bells' Saturday

THE BAT OUT OF HELL VIRUS STRIKES AGAIN!

Unbeleeevibleee the Porcy Main game iz OFF due to a Blue Star player testin' positive for 'the bat out of hell' virus!

Plan C will now be put into operation 'let's find a game to gan tee'

And its wor othaa choice, North Sheeeldz Athletic v Cullercoats, which isnt far from Porcy Main!

Thord time lucky?

Let's hope so!?

A full 'Geordie Times' match report on that and the NUFC telly game will appear here sometime on Sunday! (Mebeez!🤞)

Az per usual---"Watch this space!" 

NUFC TAKEOWER REJECTED BY PREMYAA LEEGUE!

 Posted '8:47pm bells' Wedinzday 9th September 2020

Updated Thorsday

A STATEMENT FROM NUFC

"IT AINT OVER YET!"

Updated Thorsday

A reply from The Premyaa Leegue

(This never endin saga 

just gans on! and on! and on! and --!)

TOON ARE ON THE TELLY! (PLUS PLAYERS NUMBERS FOR 2020-2021)

 Posted '7:20pm bells' Wedinzday 9th September 2020

Updated Friday

After prolonged protests, AALL the Premyaa Leegue games in September WILL be televised and NUFCs forst game away to 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham will now be shown by SKY at '8:00 bells' on Saturday neet!

The plan iz to gan to Whitley Bay on Saturday afternooon, for their FA Cup preliminary roond tie against 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston at '3:00pm bells' and then 'onward' to somewhere like Tynemoooth or North Sheeelds to watch us on the telly in some boozer!

Wor othaa 2 Premyaa Leegue fixtures in September against Brightin at home, will now be played on Sunday 20th September at '2:00 bells' (SKY) and finally, wor away game at Sporz will now be shown on Munday 28th September with a '6:00 bells kick off time!

BEEN CHANGED: The Sporz game will now take place on Sunday 27th September with a '2:00 bells' kick off!---Live on SKY

However there are NEE PLANS to televise wor Leegue Cup tie at home to *Bleakburn Rovers next Wedinzday! (Anybody got a 'dodgy pirate box'?) 

*This isnt a missprintt---It IZ a 'bleak place'!

Meanwhile the squad numbers for the new season have been released!

Players in heavy type are new players and current players who have changed numbers from last season!

3 DEALS DONE, MORE TO GAN?

 Posted '2:30pm bells' Munday 7th September 2020

Updated '7:00pm bells'

Updated '7:00pm bells' Tuesday

Signin fee £20 million!

          4 year deal

         A decent striker at last!

      And his 'side-kick' as well!

And from Norwich for £15million

 

HEATON STAN 1 CARLISLE CITY 1 *** NORTHERN LEEGUE DIVISION 2

 Posted '7:45pm bells' Sunday 6th September 2020

"SING IN THE GREENHOOSE!"

Coz we couldn't gan to watch The Toon v Stoke at SJP, we heeded for the east end of Toon to watch Heaton Stannington play Carlisle City in a Northern Leegue encoontaa!

Originally we had planned to gan to Scotswood in the west end of Toon, to watch Blue Star play Winlaton Vulcans in The Northern Alliance, but the game woz a complete selloot with a restricted capacity of 300!

There were aboot the same number at Heaton, which iz aboot double wot they normally get, thanx to the 'lock oot' at St. James'! (4 of us present were NUFC season ticket holders!)

The clubhoose woz deein a roarin trade and a pint of 'White Rat' woz consumed az soon az aa could get mee hands on it!

'Stan' play in black n white stripes, az do Blue Star and a certain othaa team who hail from NE1 !

'Stan' took the lead orly on when CHUF hit a shot which took a wicked deflection, leavin Carlisle's keeper stranded! (eh!--it shud be noted that aall the Heaton players had 'CHUF' on the back of their shirts!---they aall must be related?)

It woz a canny game with the home side on top at the beginnin', but the visitors from Cumbria wouldn't give up and eventually equalised orly in the 2nd half when 'mystery man' heeded home from 1 yard oot (they had numbers but nee names and aa couldn't make oot just who had scored for them?)

It shud be noted that the Carlisle keeper made some excellent saves and they could have won it at the death when one of their forwards missed an open goal from 2 yards oot!

One of the quirks of this groond iz that the surrounding hooses back onto the grass bank behind the left hand goal and opposite the main stand and clubhoose!

GREENHOOSE NUMBER 'ONE' IN THE FAR CORNER

There were TWO greenhooses on the grass bank and one green fingered gardener woz tending hiz tomato plants az the game progressed! (Honest!)

CAN YOO SPOT GREENHOOSE NUMBER 'TWO'?

("HOWS THE TOMATO PLANTS, LIKE?") 

At half time a'd went back to the clubhoose for some more 'White Rat', but they had sold oot of that and othaa beers and anly had one choice left---'Catzpsss'(or whatever it woz caalled?), which of course aa got before THAT selt oot!

"We didnt expect that many to come!", said one of their committee men---"We've had a great day and a great crowd!" (258 actually+1 green fingered gardener!) 

This woz the one added 'bonus' for them, az 'we' wornt able to watch The Toon and instead, spend wor cash there! (There were quite a few Toon fans in attendance coz of the lock oot 2 miles away!)

A canny day oot at 'Stan', but to spoil it of course NUFC had lost 1-0 to Stoke at SJP!

More pix

THE TOON 0 THE P*SS POTTERS OF STOKE 1 *** FRIENDLY

 Posted '10:42am bells' Sunday 6th September 2020

TOON IN YELLOW!

(PICTURE 'NICKED' FROM ELSEWHERE!)

"YELLOW PERIL!"

For the 2nd time in a week NUFC lost to a Championship team who were fightin relegation to the 3rd tier last season, when we went doon 1-0 to Stoke at a deserted St. James' Park yesterday afternooon!

With "3 irons in the fire!", 'Broken Nose Bruce' needs to get hiz finger oot sharpish to sign them, or else wor fate will be yet anothaa relegation battle!

Of course we wornt there, and have to take reports from elsewhere to write this piece!---Othaa clubs provided 'live streams' to their fans while wors posted  a handful of video clips!!! ("Wow!")

By aall accounts we didnt play well (again!) and wor visitors took the lead in the 19th minute when Tommy Smith centred across the box for Clucas to heed home past Darlo in The Toon goal!

It woz a dreadful game and it petered oot with nee sign of us scorin' and The P*ss Potters held on to "take the p*ss!" and win the game!

After the game Bruce said: "The good part today is we picked up no injuries!"  (7 players are 'crocked' and couldnt play!)

Good old 'Broken Nose', aalways looks on the positive side!

Just SIX days to gan til the big opener away to 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham in east London, which of course iz behind closed doors, with NEE telly coverage to watch from wor homes, bars and clubs!

(Mebeez it's just az well!) 

Footnote: Wor U23s went doon 4-1 to non leegue York at Benton!

3 of Yorks 4 goals were scored by 'trialists'!!!!

PS: Because we couldnt watch The Toon at home we ended up at Heaton Stannington in the east end of the Toon to watch their game v Carlisle City in The Northern Leegue!

A match report on THAT game will appear here later today!

"COME IN NUMBER 16!"

The draw for the 2nd AND 3rd roond of The Leegue Cup takes place at 2:00 bells' this afternooon and iz live on Sky Sports!

Teams to avoid include Newport, Fleetwood and Northampton away, az we have never been to those groonds to watch The Toon and az the games are behind closed doors we wouldnt be able to gan (In my case the last time aa missed a competitive game on a new groond woz 41 years ago!)

"Watch this space" to see just who we get after '2:00 bells'

BAD BLUE BOYS 2 THE HIGHWAYMEN 1 *** FRIENDLY

 Posted '11:07am bells' Saturday 5th August 2020

Scott Hislop scores Dunston's winner!

"HIGHWAYMEN ROBBED!"

Last neet Dunston beat Morpeth 2-1 in a pre season friendly at UTS Stadium (aka Federation Park)

To be fair 'The Highwaymen' were robbed (sic!) and didnt deserve to lose, after missin TWO penalties in eethaa half, both saved by Liam Connell in 'The Bad Blue Boys' goal!

Dunston took the lead in the 32nd minute through Scott Heslop who hit a fine loopin' shot ower the keepers heed and into the net at 'The Dunston Rocketless End' (see explanation below!)

A penalty to Morpeth woz then saved by Liam Connell at 'The Tea Hut End' from a Liam Noble, when he dived to the reet! 

But The Highwaymen from Morpeth did hit back bang on the half time whistle when Johnson fired home!

And then the winnin' goal from Scott Heslop in the 72nd minute, caught on camera by 'little old me' (see top photo)

Scott hit a bullet heeder past their keeper and defenders to put 'The Bad Blue Boys' 2-1 up, to loud cheers from the Dunston faithful!

Anothaa penalty miss for Morpeth then followed near the end at 'The Dunston Rocketless End' (there used to be a tower block at this end that looked like a space rocket--now demolished!)

Connell again guessed  reet and again dived the reet way to save the day to deny Morpeth's Noble for a 2nd time!

A fine win in the end against a team who are in a higher division and who had won aall 6 of their previous friendlies!

Highway robbery?---YOO BET!

Attendance: 200 or so, includin a handful of Highwaymen!

PS: Today NUFC are takin' on Stoke at SJP at '1:00pm bells'---unfortunatteleee it's behind closed door again and so we need to find anothaa game for wor Saturday 'fix'

Newcasil Blue Star who play in the 'west end' Scotswood district woz wor forst choice, but amazingleee aall 300 tickets have been snapped up and it's a complete sell-oot!

SO!--plan 'B' iz to gan to the othaa side of The Toon and watch Heaton Stannington v Carlisle City instead in the 'east end'!

A match report of both the NUFC game and Heaton game will appear here eventually!

We will bring yoo the Toon score az it happens---so watch this space this afternooon!

Updates from '1:00 bells'

THE TOON 0 v 1 THE P*SS POTS OF STOKE 

Latest score 

"THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE THERE, THEY'RE EVERY F****N' WHERE!, EMPTY SEATS, EMPTY SEATS!" (38,148 actually!)

 Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 4th December 2020

"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE!?"

A Company caalled 'Liberty Games' haz worked oot how things would look with a one metre social distancing measure at aall Premyaa Leegue groonds for the comin' season!

In wor case St. James' Park would anly be able to hold 14,240--- a reduction of 38,148!

In the wake of the Premyaa Leegue cancellin' the £564 million contract to a Chinese TV firm, (coz they refused to pay the last instaalment of £160 million coz of the coronavirus epidemic), this would leave AALL top flight clubs with anothaa heedache to contend with!---And remember!-- az well az the Saudi NUFC takeower fiasco, Masters and hiz cronies TORNED DOON a mega offer from the Saudis for a TV deal!

Below iz a list of 'new' predicted capacities for Premyaa Leegue clubs (It's frightenin'!)   Nee away fans allowed in eethaa!

Moan U: From 75,653 to 20,519

Sporz: From 62,062 to 19,890

The Arse: From 60,260 to 16,400

The Jellied Eels Mob: From 60,000 to 16,330

The Blue Moonies: From 55,097 to 14,990

The Liverbirds: From 54,074 to 14,710

The Toon: From 52,388 to 14,240

The Hazbeenz & Villians: From 42,660 to 11,610

Chelski: From 41,798 to 11,370

The Toffee Noses: 39,571 to 10,770

Leedz: 39,460 to 10,740

The Blade Runners: 32,702 to 8,900

Sooothamptin: 32,505 to 8,840

The Basil Brush Brigade: 32,313 to 8,790

Wolverhamptin Wanabeez: 31,700 to 8,620

Nee Where Near Brightin: 30,750 to 8,360

The Baggie Trooosers: 26,287 to 7,150

Cristil Palliss: 26,074 to 7,090

The Cottage Pie Mob: 25,700 to 6,990

The Bornley Hillbillies: 21,401 to 5,820

And just HOW will they aall work oot who can get in and who cannit?

The Prawn Sandwich Brigade:  DEFIATLEEE!

Lang torn season ticket holders: PROBABLY!

One year season ticket holders: LOTTERY!

Casual fans who gan to the odd few games: NEE CHANCE!