(GROUND NUMBER 268)
Date of First Visit: 21st JANUARY 2009
WELFARE GROUND, HETTON LE HOLE
(aka 'The Stadium De Hole'!)
(aka 'The Stadium De Hole'!)
mACKEM RESERVES 1
FA PREMIER RESERVE LEAGUE NORTH
ATTENDANCE: 1,516 (not many Toon fans!)
“FOR JONEZEE!”
It was a very sad day for aall concerned as
this was aalso the day of Jonezee’s funeral at Tynemouth
crem orlier on that mornin’. Jonezee had sadly passed away a fortneet orlier
He had a black ‘n’ white striped coffin and his family’s request that mourners should wear sommik black ‘n’ white was observed by all and showed his loyalty for the club. He’d anly missed one home game in forty years and had’nt missed a weekend away game in aall that time eetha, visitin’ ower 100 different groonds in the process to watch The Toon!
He had a black ‘n’ white striped coffin and his family’s request that mourners should wear sommik black ‘n’ white was observed by all and showed his loyalty for the club. He’d anly missed one home game in forty years and had’nt missed a weekend away game in aall that time eetha, visitin’ ower 100 different groonds in the process to watch The Toon!
(A
‘TRUE SUPPORTER’! who will be sadly missed by all!)
THIS MATCH REPORT AND VICTORY IS DEDICATED
TO HIM!
After the funeral we heeded for the
Waallsend Comrades Club where Jonezee spent
many an hour ‘on the hoy’ to reminisce and
to have some (Er!---several!) drinks in his memory!
Wor final ‘port o call’ before heedin’ to
the ‘resorve derby’ was the Newcastle Arms in the Toon before cadgin’ a lift
with ‘The Mad Professor’ doon to Eppleton FC in Hetton the Hole which was the
mackems new ‘second string venue’ for this season. (It shud be noted that
‘Grumpy Stumpy’ opted to stay in the warmth of the bar for a few extra ciders,
rather than brave the elements of coonty durham
“WEEZ TREES ARE THEEZE!”
On arrival in Hetton the Hole ◄(NO!---this is’nt a misprintt!---it IS! a f*****’ ‘Hole’) we homed in on
the floodlights and parked in a street up the hill from the groond.
An aad biddy wearin’ a heedscarf was
standin’ at hor front gate and asked us if the game was aall ticket and then
telt us in the next breath before we could reply, that shih thought it was!
“Hope
not pet!”----“WE haven’t got any!”, The Mad
Professor replied as we worriedly heeded for the tornstiles
The ‘panic’ was soon ower as it was ‘pay at
the gate’ and aa handed the gadgie a twenty poond note for the three quid
admission fee. He looked at the note as though he’d neva eva seen one before?
and said in a broad mackem twang-----
“Az
tha noowt less, tha naaz?” (Geordie translation:”Have yi got nowt smaaller, like?”)
“NO!”, said ‘I’. “Az al av tih gih yi yi change in puund
cuins az av got ney notes!”, (“aal
have ti give yi yi change in poond coins as av got ne notes!”) he added, az he handed iz the ticket and plonked SEVENTEEN! poond coins
in mee mit! (they obviously have’nt seen fivers or ten poond notes roond theeze
parts, eetha!)
It was nuw time to heed for the clubhouse
as it was f*****’ freezin’ by this time.
“It’s
my torn for the drinks!”, aa said to the lads az aa
got mee torn in (and more importantleee, got rid of some of the ‘shrapnel’ that
was weighin’ doon mee trooser pockets) and gave ‘Dave from York
Now Dave, you see, is on a one man mission
this season----a ‘mission’ to drink as many different named pints as he can!
and like a smaall child he gleefully entered the new beer in his notebook,
nearly snappin’ his Ladbrokes pen in the process as he did so! (he’s an very
old OAP actually!) (Old Aged Piss-artist!)
“That’s
mee 150th different beer so far watchin’ The Toon!”, he said in a treblin’ voice as he shook the said ‘liquid
refreshment’ excitedly in his mit! (NO!---we’re NOT! caalled the sad b******s
for nothin’!)
It was soon time to heed for the terraces
and by this time it had started to rain so we took shelter under some trees on
the far side of the pitch as the smaall main stand opposite was chocker block.
A quick look at the team sheet brought a
mackem scurryin ower towards iz for a look at who was playin’. “Uwz wa numbih sivin tha naaz?” (“who’s wor
number seven, like?) he asked, obviously thinkin’ that aa was ‘one of
them’! (god forbid!)
He had a quick look before heedin’ for the
perimeter fence to tell his mate.
The match kicked off and aa once more took
the team sheet from mee sky rocket as aa was’nt sure of a couple of wor
players.
Like a ‘red rag to a bull’ the sight of the
A4, one page team sheet again brought another mackem from the trees beside us,
askin’ for a look! (needless to say---aa
did’nt fancy this gannin on aall the time, so!, aa kept it under ‘tight wraps’
afta that and it remained in mee trooza pocket for the rest of the match!)
Just a few minutes after the kick off the
sleet started comin’ doon and wor otha travellin’ companion ‘The Caped Crusader’,
who was standin’ next to ‘The Mad Professor’ at the front, was shakin’ with the
cold and was wavin’ his arms aboot to try and keep waam, but it was a futile
exercise in the inclement conditions.
However!---after twenty minutes he did have
‘good reason’ to wave his arms aboot when wor bizarrely named number nine, Nile
Ranger put the Toon in front with a nicely placed heeder from a Mark Doninger
corner kick.
Unfortunately, the home side levelled just
after this when Toon goalie Frazer Forster parried a shot, anly for the mackem
number nine to tap home. The loudspeaker then boomed oot that David Dowson had
scored for them!-----a name a’m not unfamiliar with as aa used to knock aboot
with a Toon fan of the same name in the seventies!
(it definitely
was’nt him!)
At half time we heeded back to the warmth
of the clubhoose to quensh wor thirsts where aa bumped into a Toon fan who aa
naa caalled Wayne
He actually lives in Hetton and telt us
that ‘The Hole’ was 101% mackem and point 1% Geordie (ie: HIM!)
The second period started with wind, rain
and sleet to greet us on wor retorn to ‘The Weez Trees Embankment’ (as it was
now known!) but as there were ne leaves on the branches it gave us virtually
zero protection from the incessant downpour. (and so ‘in effect!’---it was
f*****’ pointless standin’ there!???)
Five mins after the restart torned oot to
be the tornin’ point of the game in wor favour, when the mackems had a goal
disallowed for offside. The resultin’ free kick was quickly taken by The Toon and Jonny Godsmark raced into home
penalty area and latched onto a James Taylor through baall (na- not the
singer!) to slam the baall into the net for wot torned oot to be the winner!
(which brought muted applause from the sparse Toon followin’!)
An aad mackem gadgie aged aboot 75, who was
wearin’ a pair of ‘Joe 90’ specs complete with beer glass bottomed lenses, then
rushed towards the perimeter fence to remonstrate with the referee ower the
legality of the goal, wavin’ his ‘Gregory Pecks’ menacingly towards the
official, shoutin’, “ah think thaa neids
theeze, ref!” (“aa think yi need glasses, ref!”)---but it was tooo
late!---(ha! ha!) and the goal stood!---2-1!
More incidents were to follow when a mackem
midfielder was sent off 12 mins from time for a second bookable offence and
then in the last minute of the game The Toon’s Hungarian number 6 Tamas Kagar
tragically broke his leg after he went doon in the box. This added TEN minutes
injury time to the match and we prayed that we would hold oot as the rain and
sleet lashed doon!-------we did!---to
claim the victory for Jonezee! ----This was for you mate! R.I.P.
©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)
