(GROUND NUMBER 223)
Date of First Visit: 6th September 2003
RAYDALE PARK,GRETNA,
SCOTLAND
GRETNA 2 NEWCASTLE
UNITED XI 4 (Guy 2, McClen, Ferrell)
FRIENDLY FIXTURE---Attendance 400 (Estimated)
"A MARRAIGE OF CONVENIENCE!"
 |
| THE SHOTGUN WEDDIN' SHOP***GRETNA GREEN |
Mee forst thoughts when ah hord aboot this fixture on
Biffa's 'pirate website' was that at last a'd get tih gan there after missin'
oot some twenty years before, when The Toon had sent a resorve team up to the Scottish borders.
The reason ah missed the game aall those years ago was
because ah was'nt intih 'groundhoppin' mode' back then and ah did'nt gan tih
many away friendlies anyway!
Ah can remember phonin' the NUFC switchboard up tih find
oot if they were sendin' the forst team up or a resorve XI.
A'd decided tih gan if it was a forst team game but NOT if
it was the 'stiffs'.
(ie: Ah was anly HALF! az f*****' sad az what I am nuw!)
The phone caall went sommik like this:
Lassie on the switchboard:"Good morning!, Newcastle
United Football Club!"
Me: Are the forst team or the resorves playin' at Gretna today?"
Lassie: "I did,nt know there was a game ON!, can you
hang on a minute and I'll find out for you!"
Lassie shoutin' across room: "DAVID!"---"ARE NEWCASTLE'S
FIRST TEAM OR RESERVE TEAM PLAYING AT GRETNA
TODAY?"
David: "IT'S THE RESERVES!-------AH THINK!?"
Before shih had time tih convay the message back to iz, ah
piped up: "Ah hord what he said pet!, thax!", and put the receiver
doon!
That was it then!----it was a day on the 'liquid
refreshment' in the Toon for the dinnertime session with mee mates and then a
slow waalk tih the nuw demolished 'Black 'n' White' in Blenheim Street for the
'customary' afternoon 'lock in'!
(Divvint forget! (if yer aad enough!) that the 'waaterin'
holes' used tih shut between 'three and five thorty bells' in them days and if
yih wanted a 'gargel' 'in between', the 'Black 'n' White' was the place tih
gan!)
ANYWAY!---gettin' back tih the 2003 game!
Aa waz a lot 'sadder' 20 years aftaa that phone conversation and Toon Resorve/Toon X1 away games were now firmleee on 'the mad-sad groundhoppin' radar'!
Originally a'd planned tih gan wih 'Grumpy Stumpy' on the train,
but on the mornin' of the game he left a message on mee answer phone sayin'
that he was'nt gannih bother coz he was 'cream crackered'.
(NOT! with the ale the neet before but with his reet
kneecap which had swollen tih the size of a lemon!) (SOME excuse???)
This meant ah had tih mek other plans so ah phoned 'The
Caped Crusader' who telt iz he was gannin up on his aan in his 'jam jar'---so! (az
yih de!) ah cadged a lift!
Gretna Green of course, iz famous for 'shotgun weddings' and sometime later we
arrived at the Scottish border on the ootskirts on the village (via Hadrians 'Breeze Blocks'!) and were greeted at the
forst roondaboot by an aad Volvo with white weddin' ribbons tied in a 'V' shape
tih the bonnet.
It had a different coloured front passenger door tih the
rest of the car (rust!) and the bride who was sittin' in the back looked a bit
'rough 'n' ready' tih say the least! (just like the car!) and she was obviously
on a 'budget weddin'!
The groond was half a mile further on doon Annan Road in the village of Gretna
(withoot the 'Green'!) and it torned oot tih be a 'one street town' with three
pubs/hotels, two of which were holdin' (aye yeev guessed it!) weddin' do's!
(one blink of the eye and yee were through it!)
The groond was on the left and there was a social club next
tih the car park which was within 'hocklin' distance' of the tornstiles! (very
convenient!---eh!?)
Surprizingly there were ne other Toon fans in the bar (this
was at one pm bells?) but there were a few locals in the corner havin' a bit
'chin wag'.
One came up and asked how many Toon fans were comin'.
"Probably aboot twenty!, coz it's anly a resorve and
junior XI playin'!", ah said az ah slurped mee forst pint of 'John Smiths'
doon mee tee-shirt!
"THE 200 GROUNDS CLUB!"
Aboot qwaata of an hour later 'Biffa' from the 'pirate
website' and the 'scribe' for the 'Shields Gazette' (can't remember his name?)
torned up with a couple of friends, followed by 'Sarnie Steve' and his
better half, Margaret. (Mee prediction of twenty 'saddos' tornin' up was
gettin' closer!)
Then 'Mark from Morpeth','Byzy from Bedlington' and Gary from 'god naaz
where'!? arrived tih give a grand total of ELEVEN 'saddos'! (nine short of mee
'target'!)
'Biffa' mentioned that this was his 200th groond watchin'
the Toon and this meant that there were nuw five of us who'd done the 'double
century' (well done 'Biffa'!-------and welcome to the E.S.B.C) (EXTREEMLEE! Sad
B******s Club!)
The one 'saddo' missin' from the 'five' was 'Glennn from
Ashington' who was the anly one who'd been here before for the resorve game ah
mentioned above!, so he gave it a 'miss'!---(tih play------- F*****'
CRICKET!!!???) (WHATS! the world comin'
tee!?)
A-N-Y-W-A-Y-!----it was time tih gan tih the match, so wih
gave wor 'liquids' the 'last rites'---"GULP!-GULP!-GULP!-GULP!" and
made wor way across the car park tih the groond.
The 'scale' of Raydale
Park could be judged by
the size of the stands.
For example: The goalnets behind the reet hand goal were
tied tih the TOP! of the stands ROOF! (such was it's 'height'!) and the
bungalows in the street behind the stand where WE 'plonked' worsels, were HIGHER!
than the stand itself! (Er!---or at least the chimney pots were!)
(For 'scale' substitute 'scalextric'!)
Tih add tih the occasion there were fower flags flyin' from
the roof haadin' the goalnets up, a Union Jack, a Scotland
flag, a Wales
flag? and a Gretna F.C. flag (but nee f***** England flag!) One very obserevant
'hopper' ('Gary'
mee thix?) noticed that the Union Jack was in fact flyin' upside
doon!-----(NOT! a good omen!)
And so---'it came to pass'---that the game started off
badly for The Toon and 'before wih knew it!' we were one nowt doon after qwaata
of an hour from a simple 'tap in' by 'one' Marty Cameron. The loudspeaker in
the 'Bungalow Stand' (and ah meen LOUD!) then broke into a 'hundred decibel'
chorus of 'Tina Tornaz' 'Better than all the rest', which nearly borst mee left
eardrum!
After half an hour it got even worse az The Toon went two
behind when a deflected shot wrang footed Simon Smith in the Newcastle goal and
the LOUDspeaker again broke intih song!---Er!---NOT! 'Simon Smith and his
amazing dancing bear'!, by the way!---but!---that swingin' sixties classic,
'Glad all over'! by the 'Merseybeats' (or was it 'Gerry and the Pisstakers'?)
Anyway!---GRETNA
were certainly 'tekin the P***! by nuw, but just five mins later the Toons' luck
changed when defender Chris Gate got what can anly be described az a dubious
penalty which was convorted by 'Prize' Guy, tih reduce the defecit tih two-one.
(The 'speaker' it shud be noted stayed strangely quiet az
Guy celebrated his goal?----the silence was DEAFENIN'!)---(a touch of 'home
bias' perhaps?)
This iz how it stayed till half time, so it was off tih the
clubhoose next tih the----(deep breath!)
'The Ewart
Engineering (Ltd!) Main Stand' for a 'swift' 'gargel' before the restart!
(Another 'bungalow style' affair!---by the way!)
The clubhoose was decked oot with pennants from Gretna's previous life in the Unibond and Northern Leagues
and there were pennants from aall manner of clubs from Darwin
tih Durham and Dundee
tih Dunston Fed! (mee local non leegue teem!)
"PUTTIN' THE 'GREEN' BACK INTIH 'GRETNA'!"
The game had restarted az ah 'made tracks' for the
'Bungalow Stand' once again and I have a confession tih mek!---Ah MISSED Jamie
McClen's equalisin' goal az ah waalked from the clubhoose! (SH**!)---BUT! ah WAS! just in time tih see the baall HIT the back of the net! (although, like ah
say, ah did'nt actually SEE the shot!)
NEVA MIND!---(ah thought)---it was'nt the forst time a'd
missed a goal and it certainly would'nt be the last!
Ah nipped in the tool-shed on the way roond and 'Bysy' was
at the trough 'haadin' his aan'!
Ah telt him the good news aboot wor equaliser----BUT!----he
thought ah was windin' him up and did'nt f*****' believe iz!
Even the rest of the 'hoppers' could'nt convince him that
wi'd scored, so when Lewis 'Prize' Guy got his second and Newcastle's thord
after 58 mins he was convinced that it was wor second goal!.
Gretna by nuw were
lookin' a little 'green' tih say the least! (sic!) and again the loudspeaker
kept 'shtum'. (Shame on yoo!)
When Ferrell got wor fourth and 'Bysys' thord with an easy
chance just before the end, it completed a great torn aroond for the Toon!
(It took 'Bysy' a whole week tih realize that that we WERE!
tellin' "the truth---the whole truth---and nothin' BUT! the truth!")
We left Gretna az YET ANOTHER! weddin' party was in progress
and we crossed 'Hadrians Breeze Blocks' once again and ah was back in the hoose
bearly ONE HOUR! after the match had finished!
-------ER!------Mentionin'-----Weddin's???---------That reminds
iz!--------------------'Alfie' 'J', a season ticket holder since the 1940's had
suggested durin' the previous 'Sundays sup-alang', that ah shud 'kill two birds
with one stone' by askin' wor lass tih marry iz at Gretna Green and then tek
hor tuh the match afterwards! (Cue
'quiet laughter' from the assembled plonkies!) (hoh! hoh!---hoh! hoh!)
"A cannit de that--maan!", ah said tih 'Alfie' az
wih supped in the Adelphi.
"Why not!", he said, givin' iz a puzzled look!
"COZ A'M AALREADY MARRIED!"--------"TIH NEWCASTLE UNITED!"
A message tih 'wor lass'
"ONE DAY PETAL!------ONE DAY!!"
(PS: We DID get married two years after aa wrote this 'piece'---in a 'Cathedral'! ---St James' Park 'Cathedral' by the way!)
