THE TOON v THE PULIS P*SS POTTS ***TOODAY!

Posted '9:05am bells' Sunday 10th March 2013

    Action from wor 3-0 win against Stoke last season
    (spot the 'hedgehog'!)

Today we must torn wor attention away from wor European adventures (for a few days at least!) and get back to the 'nitty gritty' of the 'battle to avoid the abyss' when we take on 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke @ St James' this afternoon @ '3 bells'

Az I speak, light flakes of 'the white stuff' are startin' to faall from the sky across Tyneside and it sure to be nearly az caad az it waz in Moscow last Thorsday neet<(but NOT QUITE az caad!)

Cisse, Santon and 'Spiderman' are aall expected to play after bein' rested in Rushaa, while Ben Arfa who made hiz lang awaited comeback in Moscow iz doubtful again!

Yoo can be sure that the most borin' team in the Premyaa Leegue will pack their defence and come for a goal-less draw, but a win for us would see us climb level with them in the table.
Results yesterday were mixed and there iz still 'aall to play for' in the remainin' ten games.

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' later tooneet---and we can anly hope that it's a 'good one'!?---Watch this space!

THE ANZI MAKHACHKEMS v THE TOON ***TOMORROW NEET!

Updated '3:00am bells' Wednesday 6th March 2013

"BLEND IN!***DIVVINT FORGET YI RUSHAN HAT!"

It's not lang now until we set off into 'the unknown' when we fly to communist Rushaa for Tomorrow neets game against Anzi<(or iz it 'Anzhi'?) (Kick off '5 bells' GMT)<(Geordie Match Time!)('9:00 bells' in Rushaa)
Live on ITV4

UEFA have banned them from playin' their home European games in the Dagestan region of Rushaa, where they come from, becoz of civil unrest and have ordered them to play aall their games 1,000 miles away in Moscow!

A warnin' letter haz been sent with wor match tickets tellin' us to beware of pickpockets and muggers and to keep a low profile!

BUT!---we've AALREADY been 'mugged' twice with the exstorshanit<(Geordie Times spellin'!) cost of wor visas (£1,099 for five!) and wor match tickets, which are ower SIX TIMES more expensive than wot the Anzi fans have been charged! (£26, compared to £4 for them!)

Az far az we naa up to 75 diehards have managed to get tickets and visas so far, but just wot team they will see in The Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow (below) iz anybodys guess?, az we are still anly six points above 'the abyss' in the Premyaa Leegue and have a crucial home game against 'The P*ss Potts' of Stoke on Sunday afternoon!<(ie: will we risk a full strength team, OR send oot a 'resorve mixture'?)

A crowd of 12,000 iz expected in the 78,000 capacity 'plastic pitch' stadium, shared by the Rushan army club CSKA Moscow and Spartak Moscow, so we'll be ootnumbered by a canny few!

In a few minutes 'The Geordie Times' computaa gans into 'hibernation' for the umpteenth time this season and (he/she?) will wake up again sometime on Saturday, where a full match/drink/'secret police' report will be forthcomin' for yoo wor loyal reeeders from aroond the globe and beyond! "ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"

'GEORDIE TIMES'*** "RED SQUARE EXCLUUUSIVE!"

Posted '1:00pm bells' Tuesday 5th March 2013

TOON FAN 'BLONDIE ALAN'^
 HAZ BEEN SPOTTED  TODAY 
IN MOSCOW'S 'RED SQUARE'!
 

'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' who went to Rushaa yesterday, haz just contacted 'The Geordie Times' to tell us that it's nice and sunny in Moscow's Red Square!
BUT on the doonside, that the temperature iz minus 10 plus<(if yi see worra meeen!?)
He aalso tells us that it didn't take lang to get thru customs<(quicker than 'Toon Airport' he reckons!)

Wor KGB undercover reporter<(Kremlin Geordie Branch!) haz sent us this 'excluuusive photo of him dancin' with 'The Moscow Morris Men' in Red Square after downin' several large vodkas!-- "HIC!"

RUSHAN ROULETTE!

Posted '9:35am bells' Monday 4th March 2013

We must now torn wor attention to wor lang jorney to Rushaa, where we play Anzi in Moscow on Thorsday neet in the Europaa Leegue! ('5:00 bells' GMT)<(Geordie Match Time!) 

Whereaz 'The Toon' had 500 fans in the Ukraine a fortneet ago, this time because of the visa 'nightmare' we have had to endure, many fans 'gave up' and we have hord that anly 75 Toon fans will be there from the UK! (Moscow iz just 400 miles from Karkiv by the way!)

We were the lucky ones and wor visas and match tickets have came back ower the weekend, but my heart bleeds for the fans who were in Swanzee on Saturday, who were unable to get visas or couldn't afford it! (Quite a few have been left devastated that they cannit gan!)

Otha fans are still waitin' for their visas and must be sweatin this mornin' az the postie comes up the path!---a game of 'Rushan Roulette' if ever there waz one!   

THE SWAN LAKERS 1 THE TOON 0

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 3rd March 2013

"A BRIDGE TOOO FAR!"

THE TOON (in maroon!) ATTACK THE SWANZEE
GOAL DURIN' THE 2nd HALF (view from row V)

The trip started off @ St James' where the coach left @ '5:10 am bells' and some EIGHT HOURS later @ 1:15pm bells' we eventually arrived, exausted @ The Liberty Stadium after two motorway services stops on the way! (plus the driver gannin the lang way roond via the Severn Bridge instead of the 'M50', which iz much quicker?)<(the daft t**t had to 'cough up' £18 to get across!)


"WOT THE F**K ARE WE DEEIN' HERE?"

Anyway!---it waz a mad dash to one of the nearest boozers to the groond which waz caalled 'Coopers' and several pints of 'liquid lubrication' were 'swiftly dispatched' doon wor 'John o Groats'!<(see glossary of terms!)

It waz then off to the match where 1,000 Toon fans were present in the visitors section<(they wouldn't give us any more tickets!)

Swanzee started off the better and had a few chances to score in the forst period, where az The Toon, playin' in their 'unlucky' aall purple strip<(have we ever won wearin' this?) hardly had any chances az we attacked the far goal and I, for one waz happy to 'gan in' at the break level!

We were much better in the 2nd half az we attacked the end we were in and good chances by Cisse, Gouffran, and 'The Sissoko Kid' were missed and Cabaye hit the bar!

We were made to pay for the rued chances with just fower minutes to gan when a defensive mix up gifted Swanzee's Moore an easy chance and he slotted the baall past the dispairin' Rob Elliot in The Toon goal to make the lang jorney back even worse!

In the coach park afta the match some Toon fans 'kicked off' and started hoyin' stuff ower the fence where the Swanzee fans were. One inebriated fan<(we naa aall the big words!) then scaled the eight foot fence and jumped into the car park on the otha side! He landed on a car and put a big dent in it's roof!
He then climbed back ower the fence, faallin' ower a wheelie bin in the process and scarpered away!

The local 'Dibble' then boarded wor coach and telt us in ne uncortain torms that we wouldn' t be leavin' until the 'culprit' waz caught!
20 minutes later they'd 'got their man' and he waz led away in handcuffs to face the consequences of hiz actions!
We eventually left the groond one hour after game had ended and arrived back on Tyneside<(via the Severn Bridge again!) @ 'midneet and fifty bells'! 


Toon team: Elliot, Debucy, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Santon, Gouffran, Cabaye, Sissoko, Tiote (Marveaux 90), Gutierrez (Sola Amiobi 90), Cisse

Attendance: 20,405 (1,000 p*ssed off Toon fans!)

THE SWAN LAKERS v THE TOON ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '3:50am bells' Saturday March 2013


^ "IT DOESN'T GET MUCH WORSE
THAN THIS!---FOLKS!" ^


This mornin' we travel to yet anotha country to watch The Toon---(wor THORD different one in NINE DAYS!---that's IF! yoo include wor home game last weekend!---like!)----This time we are off to see the 'delights'? of sooth Wales via the 'M4' motorway for wor langest leegue jorney this season! <(Swanzee iz just a few miles fortha than Sooothampton!)

'The Geordie Times' iz 'slummin it' on the bus once again to avoid an owerneet stopower and divvint forget that we are off on a three day jaunt next week to Moscow in 'sub zero Rushaa' to watch us against 'The Anzi Machachems'<(That's IF we get wor visas and passports back in time from the Rushan embassy!?)

Az mentioned below, aa waz gannih 'bin' this trip to try and save a bit dosh for wor Moscow adventure, BUT mee heart ruled mee heed in the end!

Swanzee of course will be on a 'high' afta winnin the Leegue Cup @ Wembley last Sunday and we look forward to meetin up with their ridiculous mascot 'Cedric the Swan' once again, az the trophy iz paraded aroond The Liberty Stadium before the '3 bells' kick off!

We are on a bit of a 'high' at the moment az well of course and are up to the 'dizzy heights' of 13th in the Premyaa Leegue, so it shud be a canny game!
Az usual we wont speculate az to who will be playin for us but Rob Elliot iz sure to be in goal again az Tim Krul will be oot for at least anotha month!<(Steve Harper iz aalso 'knackered'!)

We leave in just ower an hours time from ootside St James' and a full match report wont be forthcomin til sometime on Sunday!

Watch this space!

PS: For thoze of yoo who are interested, I forgot to mention in mee Soothampton match report last week that 'Glennn from Ashington' DID make the kick off afta hiz road, rail and ferry trip back from the Ukraine----he made it with just half an hour to spare! 

"RUSHAN VISA CREDIT CARD SQUEEEZER!"

Posted '8:45pm bells' Friday 1st March 2013

SOMEWHERE ON PORCY STREET!
"HELP THE TOON FANS!"

'Big Al'<(no!---not! the sheet metal workers son!) phoned me this afternoon to say that wor visas and passports had been retorned from the Rushan embassy in London and that the five of us who had sent them off together had aall got them and we will definateleee be gannin to Moscow next week to watch The Toon! <("horray!")

On the doonside, he aalso said that they had charged an extra fifty quid 'credit card fee' <(on top of aall the otha 'fees'?) to bring the total cost of the five visas to!------wait for it!---ONE THOOSAND  and NINETY NINE QUID!<(it's 'heart attack time' folks!)<(quick!---pass the 'beggin bowl', scruffy dog and dorty blanket!)<("help the homeless!")

SWANZEE v THE TOON ****** WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS SYNDROME!

Posted '9:30pm bells' Thorsday 28th February 2013


"SHUD I STAY OR SHUD I GO?"

A'v been tellin everybody aall week that aa WOULDN'T be gannin to Swanzee at the weekend coz of the shear cost of next weeks trip to Rushaa and the previous trip to the Ukraine, just last week, which have cost me a total of  a 'fower figure' 'heart attack' sum, which haz nearly emptied mee piggy bank! 

Swanzee waz a 'bill tooo far' and on Monday when we booked up for Rushaa (scroll doon page to view!) aa even did the 'unfinkable' and sold mee prized Swanzee match ticket az well, to 'Dave from York' to try and save some money!
However!--- by Wednesday dinnertime aa waz havin 'severe withdrawal symptoms' and after a few pints of 'John Smiths' in 'The Hotspur' and 'The Newcastle Arms' a'd completeleee changed mee mind!---"AA WAS GANNIN!"

Aa went yem and telt wor lass, who had said 'aall alang' that aa 'shud gan', az she'd NEVA known me miss a match, in aall the years a'v been with hor!

Aa then set aboot the task this mornin' of gettin' meesel anotha ticket, which wasn't easy az we've anly been allocated a measly 1,000 tickets in the away section, which not suprizingly were totally 'selt oot' ower a week ago!

'Dave from York' who a'd selt mee origional ticket te on Monday, said he would try and get me anotha one!---and 'hey presto', just one hour later at dinnertime today, he text me to tell iz he'd foond me one!----A'v got to pick it up at the groond before the game, but at least a'm gannin' and mee record of not missin a competitive game anywhere, this century, will (hopefully!?) continue!---for the time being at least!<(or until mee piggy bank iz totally empty!)  'Mental' isn't the word!

NUFC iz a 'drug' which yoo carnt give up az av foond oot to mee cost this week!
"HOWAY THE £ADS!"

Cheers!
Fink (the mad-sad & mental groundhopper!)

"OH NO!---ANYONE! BUT LAZIO!"

Updated '4:30pm bells' Thorsday 28th February 2013


"IT'S A LOCKOOT!"

HORRIRFYIN' news haz reached 'The Geordie Times' that Lazio of Rome have been ordered to play their next TWO Europaa Leegue games behind closed doors because of crowd trouble, startin' with their home game against Stuttgart on March 14th.

Shud 'THEY' get through and 'WE' get through to the next roond, then there iz the distinct possibility that 'THEY' could get drawn against 'US', which would meen that 'NO' Toon fans would be allowed to gan to The Olympic Stadium in Rome!<(lets hope and pray that the Jawmans progress!)

Just where 'The Geordie Times' would LIKE and NOT LIKE to gan to next IF we reach the last 8!

Gold=Yes we'd like to gan here-pleeeze!
Pink=No Thanx!--visas required!
Yellow=Better than some!
Purple=Tooo dangerous!
Blue='Behind closed doors' so we DEFINATLEEE divvint want this one!
Green=Been here before and got the 'tee shirt' so we divvint want to gan again!

Pizen of Poland v Fenebache of Torkey
Stuttgart of Jawmany v Lazio of Italy
Steaua of Romania v Chelski of England
Benfica of Portugal v Bordeaux of France
Sporz of England v Inter Milan of Italy
Levante of Spain v Rubin of Rushaa
Basel 'Fawlty' of Switzerland v Zenit of Rushaa

That's just THREE oot of FOURTEEN that we'd like to gan te!  

ANZI RIPOFF!---"TWENTY SIX QUID! ***YIH HAVIN @ A LAFF!"

Posted '9:00am bells' Thorsday 28th February 2013

Tickets for wor away game against 'The Anzi Machachems' next Thorsday in Moscow are now on sale to season ticket holders by the usual dedicated European travel forms from the NUFC ticket office!
Anzi fans are bein' charged from £4 per ticket, while we must pay more than SIX TIMES! that amoont @ £26 per ticket!<(Who said beware of muggers in Moscow!?)