THE BISCUITMEN v THE TOON***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '5:15am bells' Saturday 30th September 2012

"THIS PLACE REEELY TAKES 'THE BISCUIT'!?"

@ '6:30 bells' this mornin' we set off for deepest Berkshire for wor game against 'The Biscuitmen' @ The Madjeski Stadium near the 'M4'---4 miles from Readin' toon centre! (ko '3 bells')

'The Madjeski'<(Geordie Times spellin'!) of course iz a newish stadium built in the middle of ne where just like SO many of the new groonds today with NE PUBS close by! (this place reeely takes 'the biscuit'!)

The Toon have selt their entire allocation of 1,700 tickets for the game and the home sections are aalso selt oot!

We've just foond oot that aall trains back to the Toon are DRY! (again!) so we'll just have to make up for it and drink King's Cross dry instead!

A message to British Transport Police:
"Why oh why don't yoo issue bannin' orders to unruly fans on trains, instead of bannin' AALL OF US from havin' a few 'liquid refreshments' on the way back from matches?---a simple solution--mee finks"!

Match report to follow sometime on Sunday!

In other news :SMB and Brugge away tickets are now on sale to season ticket holders with 100 loyalty points or more! (ie: those who have attended 100 away games or more!)

THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD (resorves) 2 THE TOON (resorves) 1

Updated '2:40pm bells' Thorsday 27th September 2012

"THE THEATRE OF EMPTY SEATS!"

Wor forst League Cup tie of the season torned oot to be wor last!, last neet, when we went doon 2-1 @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' in front of 30,000 empty 'theatre' seats!
Because of the closure of the 'A1' in north Yorkshire due to floodin' and more problems on the 'A19' which runs parallel soothboond, we were forced to drive to Carlisle and doon the 'M6' to get to wor destination which added aboot 50 miles onto the jorney!

We arrived @ just after '5:15 bells' and parked in wor usual place near Salford Quays and 'The Broadway' boozer which iz aboot a 20-25 minute waalk from the groond.

The bar had anly ten punters inside, which gave us an idea az to the size of the crowd, which we predicted wud be aroond the 40,000 mark because of the ridiculous £45 poond entrance fee! (for wot waz in effect a resorve game!) 
After 'several liquids' it waz 'time to gan' and thankfully the heavy rain which we had encoontered on the way doon had stopped!

Once through the tornstiles we cud see that we were reet, az a low Toon torn oot waz aalso in evidence, but they were in good voice az they sang:
"FORTY FIVE QUID--YER TAKIN' THE P*SS!"
as they held their expensive 'resorve' match tickets aloft!

We held wor own durin' the forst half, but the deadlock waz broken just before the break when Anderson's shot ricocheted off Elliots reedhand goalpost and into the net @ The Scoreboard End (which waz half empty!) to give the home side the lead.

Their lead waz doubled in the 58th minute when Cleverley, 'cleaverly' curled a shot past Elliot @ 'The Stretford End' and at last we got a response from 'The Muppets'  with their 'Nick nack paddy wack' song!

 

Cisse and Ferguson then came on to replace Vuckic and Coloccini on the hour mark and it had an instant impact az the two combined straight away to give Cisse hiz forst goal of the season.
Ferguson's cross foond Cisse's heed and the resultin' nod from 'wor number 9', gave De Gea 'ne chance in the Cockney Reds goal to send the 700 travellin' faithful wild with delight! (that's reet!--- 700!) 

Cisse then hit the bar with a spectacular owerheed sizzor kick but it waz to ne avail and another 'Wembley dream' waz ower for yet another season!

It iz nuw FORTY YEARS since we last beat them at this place!
The usual p*ss takin' from us durin' the game brought little response: ('Taxi for London' etc) but the thing that got me most off aall waz the fact that aa spotted two of wor fans wearin' 'half and half' scarves (half Toon-half Cockney Red!)
One waz a decrepid aad gadgie who waz aboot the same age az me!---and the other waz a little sprog with hiz daddy<(who shud'iv knaan better!)

"WOT'S THE WORLD COMIN' TE!???"

Toon team: Elliot, Perch, Williamson, Coloccini (Ferguson 60), Tavernier, Obertan, Tiote (Bigirimana 71), Gosling, Marveaux, Vuckic (Cisse 60), Shola Ameobi

Attendance: 46,358 (that's 30,000 empty 'theatre' seats!) anly 700 Toon fans (the lowest tornoot here, that aa can ever remember!)
Even the 'empty seats' song didn't de 'the roonds' az we had thoosands of them in wor end az well!

PS: 'The Muppets' chant of the day waz!--------- "10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1" az they coonted the seconds doon on the stadium clock, til the end of the match!!!! (WOT F*****' NEXT!?) 

Az the aad song gans!----"It's time to start the music!--it's time to light the lights!----it's time to get things started!----on the Muppet Show tonight!"

THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD (Resorves) v THE TOON (Resorves)***TOONEET!

Updated '8:50am bells' Wednesday 26th September 2012

"WELCOME TO 'THE STRETFORD END'!"

Wor forst League Cup tie of the season takes place tooneet @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' in Salford and both teams are expected to field a mainly resorve side for this fixture which iz live on SKY @'7:45 bells'.

At a ridiculous £45 quid (plus £1 bookin' fee!) to get in, it's way! way! ower the top and a'v hord through the grapevine that (suprize!-suprize!) we havvent selt many of the allocated 8,000 tickets! (Chelski for example, anly charged us £20 for wor League Cup tie at their place when we won 4-3, two years ago!)

Rumour haz it that NUFC agreed these prices with the home club and if this iz true they have proved once and for aall that they couldn't care less aboot the fans!
The prices are TWICE az high az any otha club iz chargin' in the competition! (Their arch rivals 'The Blue Moonies' charged £22.50 last neet!)

'The Cockney Reds' have aalso voted with their feet az home sections of 'The Theatre of Muppets' will aalso be closed!
So it's anybodys guess az to just wot the crowd will be???
"FORTY FIVE QUID FOR A RESORVE GAME?---YOR HAVIN' A LAUGH!"

NUFC PREMIER LEAGUE, EUROPEAN & CUP FIXTURES***2012-2013

Updated '10:00am bells' Tuesday 25th September 2012

THE LEAZES END OF ST JAMES' PARK<(and aalways will be!) 
FROM THE LEAZES PARK BANDSTAND

TICKET NEWS

Biscuit Men tickets are SELT OOT!

Wor League Cup game against The Cockney Reds, tomorrow, Wed September 26th @ 7:45 bells---live on SKY--and tickets are priced at a ridiculous £45! which in effect will be a resorve line up from both teams

 

Below are 'The Toons' Premya Leegue fixtures for the comin' season.
(can aalso be viewed at the top of the page)
Aall games az per usual are subject to change for live telly and European commitments and aall the teams are in 'cryptic code' to avoid any copyright infringements. (ie: we divvint want to get sued off 'The FA'---like!)
'The Geordie Times' haz done a seperate page to give yoo some clues to the identity of the teams, IF!, those of yoo with 'half a sheeps brain' cannit work it oot!
(Gan to the top of the page and click onto
'A' to 'Z' of CLUB NICKNAMES) 

Premya Leegue dates/times changed so far:TWELVE! (oot of 38) 

AUGUST 2012

SAT 18th---Sporz---H---5:30 bells (ESPN) (time change)
Won 2-1 (Ba, Ben Arfa (pen)
Attendance: 52,385 (2,800 Spors fans)


THU 23rd---Atromitos of Greece---A---8:00 bells (local)
Europa League 4th Rd Qualifyin 1st leg
Drew 1-1 (Ryan Taylor---ower the waall!)
Attendance: 4,872 or! 5,002? (90 Toon diehards!)
(SKY TV channel 428)

SAT 25th---Kings Road OAPs---A---5:30 bells (ESPN) (time change)
Lost 2-0
Attendance: 41,718 (1,500 Toon fans)




THU 30th---Atromitos of Greece---H---7:45 bells
Europa League 4th Rd Qualifyin 2nd leg
ITV4)
Won 1-0 (Haris Vuckic)
Attendance: 29,242 (40 Atromitos fans)



SEPTEMBER

SUN 2nd---The Hazbeens and Villians---H---4 bells  (date and time change)
Drew 1-1 (Ben Arfa)
Attendance: 48,245 (1,000 Villians of the peace!)



MON 17th---The Toffee Noses---A---8:00 bells (SKY) (date and time change)
Drew 2-2 (Ba 2)
Attendance: 32,510 (less than 2,000 Toon fans) 

Thu 20th---Maritimo of Portugal---A---7:00 bells (CET) (ESPN)
Europa League group stage
Drew 0-0
Attendance: 4,000 est (150 Toon fans inc holiday makers!)

SUN 23rd---The Canary Custard Crumbles---H---3 bells (date change)
Won 1-0 (Ba)
Attendance: 49,402 (1,500 Custards)

NEXT UP!

WED 26th---The Cockney Reds of Salford---A---7:45 bells
League Cup
(SKY)
SAT 29th---The Biscuit Men---A---3 bells

OCTOBER

Thu 4th---Bordeaux of France---H---8:05 bells
Europa League group stage
SUN 7th---The Cockney Reds of Salford---H---4 bells (SKY) (date and time change)
SUN 21---Moanin Martins SMBs---A---1:30 bells (SKY) (date and time change) (bet yi it's changed again to Sunday @ high noon bells!)
Thu 25th---Brugge of Belgium---H---8:05 bells
Europa League group stage

SUN 28th---The Baggie Troosers---H---3 bells (date change)



NOVEMBER

SAT 3rd---The Liverbirds---A---3 bells
Thu 8th---Brugge of Belgium---A---7:00 bells (CET)
Europa League group stage

SUN 11th---The Jellied Eels Mob---H---3 bells (date change)

SAT 17th---The Swan Lakers---H---3 bells
Thu 22nd---Maritimo of Portugal---H---8:05 bells
Europa League group stage

SUN 25th---Sooothampton---A---3 bells (date change)

WED 28th---The Pullis P*ss Potts---A---7:45 bells (date change)

DECEMBER

SAT 1st---The Blue Wigs---H---3 bells
Thu 6th---Bordeaux of France---A---7:00 bells (CET)

SAT 8th---The Wacko Jacko Jivers---A---3 bells
SAT 15th---The Blue Moonies---H---3 bells
SAT 22nd---The Shepherds Bush Rag & Bone Men---A---3 bells
WED 26th---The Cockney Reds of Salford---A---3 bells
SUN 29th---The Arse---A---3 bells

JANUARY 2013

TUE 1st---The Toffee Noses---H---3 bells
SAT 12th---The Canary Custard Crumbles---A---3 bells
SAT 19th---The Biscuit Men---H---3 bells
TUE 29th---The Hazbeens and Villians---A---7:45 bells?

FEBRUARY

SAT 2nd---The Kings Road OAPs---H---3 bells
SAT 9th---Sporz---A---3 bells
SAT 23rd---Sooothampton---H---3 bells

MARCH

SAT 2nd---The Swan Lakers---A---3 bells
SAT 9th---The Pullis P*ss Potts---H---3 bells
SAT 16th---The Blue Wigs---A---3 bells
SAT 30th---The Blue Moonies---A---3 bells

APRIL

SAT 6th---The Wacko Jacko Jivers---H---3 bells
SAT 13th---Moanin Martins SMBs---H---1:30pm bells (wot!---not! high noon bells?) (time change)
SAT 20th---The Baggie Troosers---A---3 bells
SAT 27th---The Liverbirds---H---3 bells

MAY

SAT 4th---The Jellied Eels Mob---A---3 bells
SUN 12th---The Shepherds Bush Rag & Bone Men---A---3 bells?
SUN 19th---The Arse---H---3 bells?

Copyright warnin'!
The above fixtures are unda strict copyright to 'The Geordie Times' and may NOT be reproduced unda any corcumstances and offenders will be SEVERELEEE dealt with!
ie: Yoo will be arrested by men in white coats and placed into a straight jacket (kickin' and screamin' if necessary!) and frogmarched to 'The Stadium of SSshhh! 'yee naa wot' and forced (at gunpoint!) to porchase a SMB season ticket for next season.
Yoo will then be suspended (upside doon!) from one of the roof beams until the season starts!
We realise that this punishment iz severe, and iz a fate worse than death!---but copyright MUST be protected!!!
---"er!"--- unless yi buy us a 'crate of dog'--like!


         

THE TOON 1 v THE CANARY CUSTARD CRUMBLES 0

Posted '10:15am bells' Monday 24th September 2012


THE TOON PLAYERS CONGRATULATE DEMBA BA
AFTER HIZ WINNIN' GOAL!

This waz wor thord forst team game in the last six days and aa wearily dragged meesel oot of mee pit at 'high noon bells' after havin' had just two and a half hours kip, az aa didn't get to sleep til '9:30am bells after deein a neetshift truck run to Glasgow!

Anyway!---it waz then a mad dash off to 'The Bacchus' where Grumpy Stumpy, Norman the Cowboy Plumber, Tex Taylor and Fawlty Towers were havin' a few liquid refreshments before the game!
A few more 'refreshments' in The Monkey Bar and The Adelphi were consumed where we met Scott of the Antarctic (the one from Windy Nook NOT! the Sooth Pole!) before it waz time to heed for the two hundred stairs up to mee seat in The Milburn Stand!

We started off slowly and yoo cud tell after just a few minutes that it wud be another bore--just like in Madeira on Thorsday neet.

We took the lead however, at aroond aboot the halfway point of the forst half when Ben Arfa played a brill through baall to Demba Ba and wor number 19 made ne mistake az he poked the baall home from the edge of the box and past the advancin' Ruddy in the Canary Custards's goal!

We had a chance to double wor lead in forst half injury time when Mike Williamson waz pushed in the back in the 18 yard area and the ref pointed straight to the penalty spot!
After a 'fight' between Ben Arfa, Ba and Cisse az to just who wud take it, Cisse grabbed the baall and placed it carefully on the spot and duly blasted it ower the bar, high into The Gallowgate End!!!

This nearly cost us dear az in the 2nd period az The Yellow Custards had several efforts on The Toon goal but (thankfully!) couldn't find the net!
But we did have fortha chances az well to increase wor lead!

There were aalso some strange substitutions to say the least when both Ben Arfa and Anita were taken off, az they were two of the best players left on the field?   

Ba's goal torned oot to be the anly goal of the game, and like aa say, the away side were unlucky on several occasions not to level things and we were fortunate indeed to take the three points!

But we'll take them anyway!--thank yoo very much Chris! (Hughton!)

Toon team: Harper, Perch, Williamson, Steven Taylor, Santon, Ben Arfa (Shola Ameobi 85), Anita (Tiote 76), Cabaye, Gutierrez, Cisse (Obertan 70), Ba

Attendance: 49,402 (1,500 or so Canary Custards!) 

* For an explanation of 'The Geordie Times' nickname for wor visitors---see 'club nicknames A-Z ' at the top of the page

MARITIMO 0 THE TOON 0

Posted '2:30pm bells' Saturday 22nd September 2012

(Ground number 291)
Estadio Dos Barreiros, Funchal, Madeira

Europa League group stage  

(brief travel/match report!--much more to follow in the next few day---when aa get time!)

"WELCOME TO THE HOUSE OF 'FUN'CHAL!"

"SPOT THE YELLOW CRANE!?"

Havin' arrived back late last neet from wor sortie to Madeira we must apologise for the match report bein' two days late!

SIX flights there and back have certaily taken it's toll az we have spent a total of 18 hours in various airports from Wednesday mornin' til last neet waitin' for flights!

Havin' left the hoose on Wednesday at '8:30am bells' we eventually arrived at wor hotel in Funchal (the capital city of Madeira) at '1:40am bells' orly the next mornin'---to find it locked up and ne sign of life!
After brayin' on the door and ringin' the hotel intercom bell for ten minutes we eventually got a reply from the manager and finally got to sleep half an hour later! "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"

Next day it (or shud that be a few hours later!?) we got up and after a quick shower and scran it was off to explore the delights of Madeira. (the boozers!)
With the kick off at six bells in the evenin' and with the groond high in the hills of Madeira we started off in the harbour area before startin' the steep climb towards a huge yellow tower crane which waz next to the groond.
After several 'ports o call' we made for the groond which waz on a very steep incline and eventually arrived at the ticket office with aboot an hour to spare before kick off to hand wor vouchers in for wor match tickets.

The NUFC official dishin' the tickets oot telt us that we had selt a grand total of 83 tickets for the game, but on enterin' the 'buildin' site groond' (with it's yellow crane!) we cud see that there were quite a few holiday makers who were there az well (this boosted the attendance to aroond 150 in wor section!)
Three sides of the groond were under construction and the anly section open waz on the main stand side and there looked to be aroond aboot 4,000 inside az the game kicked off!

A mainly resorve team, apart from the back fower who had played at Goodison on Monday neet, ran oot to applause from the travellin' faithful---and holiday makers! (aye!---we made 7 changes in aall!)

It waz a terrible game really, aalthough we did hit the woodwork three times durin' the match (Shola twice and Dan Gosling!)
The home side aalso hit the woodwork once but it waz anotha shambolic European away performance to forget!

Toon team: Elliot, Perch, Williamson, Steven Taylor, Santon, Bigirimana, Gosling, Obertan (Marveaux 80), Amalfitano (Ferguson 76), Vuckic (Sammy Ameobi 53), Shola Ameobi 

Attendance 4,000 estimated (150 Toon fans/holiday makers!)

After the match we heeded back doon the hillside to the various boozers we had drank in on the way up.
We stayed up aall neet and heeded back to the airport at '4am bells' to catch the forst of three flights back to the Toon, arrivin' yem at 9:35pm bells' preciseleee!---totally 'cream crackered!

Like aa say!----much! much! more to follow later az a'v got to gan to the Dunston v Darlo, Northern League game in a few minutes and then later on toneet, drive mee truck to Glasgow @ 10 bells!---arrive back at 8 in the mornin'---have a bit "ZZZzzz!"---and gan to wor game against 'The Canary Custards' tomorrow afternoon @ St James'! (there's ne rest for the wicked!---iz there!?)

MARITIMO v THE TOON***TOMORROW NEET!

Posted '6:55am bells' Wednesday 19th September 2012

Later on today we set off on another epic jorney, this time to a sun kissed island off the north African coast caalled Madeira, for wor game against Maritimo in the Europa League on Thorsday neet @ '6 bells'

Aaltogether we have got to catch SIX flights there and back, via Toon airport, Brussels, Lisbon and Madeira in the next three days!
We been telt through the grapevine that we have sold a total of 79 tickets for this game!

The computaa meeenwhile iz gannin into hibernation once again and will wake up sometime on Saturday!---- "ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz!!!!"

THE TOON U21 RESORVES 2 SMB U21 RESORVES 2

Posted '6:40am bells' Wednesday 19th September 2012

The resorve derby ended in stalemate @ St James' last neet.
The SMBs took the lead in the 8th minute through Connor Whickham who easily beat Jak Alnwick in the Toon goal.
We levelled things in the 16th minute when mackem goalie Pickford 'dropped a bollock' by mishandlin' and Brad Inman waz there to slot the baall into the empty net!

Adam Campbell then put us in front when hiz deflected shot beat the keeper again.

Then the visitors drew level through Whickam again just before the interval.
There waz ne more scorin' in the 2nd period and the game ended two's each!

Attendance: anly 1,776 includin' less than 200 SMBs

THE TOFFEE NOSES 2 THE TOON 2

Posted '10:35am bells' Tuesday 18th September
2012

"SMOKIN' BAN!?---WOT SMOKIN' BAN!???"

Before the match we heeded for poshly named 'Fountains Abbey' boozer which iz aboot a ten minute waalk from the groond.

However!---the clientele were far from posh and smoke enveloped the bar az we waalked through the door.
Unbelievibly aboot TEN or so punters were puffin' away on their tabs INSIDE the bar and this iz the forst time since the 'smokin ban' that a'v actually seen people smokin' in a bar!
The place waz packed with dishevelled locals on their 'happy hour' binge (less than two quid a pint!) and a 'full blast' karaoke started next to us, with a drunken gadgy tryin' to sing a ballad, but failin' miserableeee!

After just one pint, listenin' to this crap, it waz time to make A SHARP exit! az the smoke waz chokin' us to death by this time! (we're non smokers!) and we heeded for 'The Clock' just doon the road, which waz thankfully 'smoke (and karaoke) free'!, and stopped there til it waz 'match time'! 

In an incident packed game which included THREE! disallowed goals for the home side, (TWO of them 'legitimate'!) it was The Toon who got oot of jail @ Goodison Park last neet!

A minutes applause for the Hillsborough victims before the match waz a reminder to just how far futbaall grooonds have come on, since the 'cages' of the 70s and 80s (aalthough Goodison haz hardly changed since then!)

We started off badly and 'The Toffee Noses' went aheed in the 15th minute when Leighton Baines struck home @ The Park End in wot waz a very bad half for us, az we were dreadful!
A goal for the home side waz ruled offside by the linesman orly on and we were lucky to gan in just one goal behind at the interval.

Demba Ba came on at the start of the 2nd period to replace 'Marveaux the Magician' (who waz anything but!) and it took him just fower minutes to put us back on level torms and score The Toon's 1,000th Premya League goal with a great left foot shot past Tim Howard in the home goal, after bein' given a great through baall from Cabaye! 

Another offside goal waz flagged by the linesman to deny the home side, and this caused great anger amongst the Evertonians in the crowd! ("Calm doon---calm doon!")

Not lang after, another controversial decision, this time by the ref denied 'The Tooffee Noses' once again, when Stevie Harper in The Toon goal saved from point blank range to tip Anechibe's shot onto the bar and ower the goal line, but the ref missed it and waved 'play on'!
The Toon then broke through the middle of the home sides defence when Ben Arfa ran clear, but the ref inexplicably blew for a foul instead of playin' advantage, thus denyin' us a goal scorin' opportunity!
Then!---with just three minutes left on the clock Anechibe scored wot looked like 'The Toffee Noses' winner @ The Gladys Street End 

BUT!---we were not to be denied and super sub Demba Ba saved the day in the very last minute when Shola Ameobi (anotha super sub) superbly chested the  baall doon to wor number 19 and he gleefully excepted the chance and fired past Howard to send the smaall band of away follower wild with delight!

Toon team: Harper, Perch, Williamson,  Steve Taylor, Santon ,Cabaye (Bigirimana 90), Anita, Gutierrez, Marveaux (Ba 46), Ben Arfa, Cisse (Shola Ameobi 80)

Attendance: 32,510 (less than 2,000 Toon fans--aall in The Bullens Road lower tier---the lowest number aa can remember here!) 


Tooneet we play the SMBs in a resorve match @ St James' @ '7 bells'
Season ticket holders and member get in free---£3 for others and £1 for sprogs etc.

Match report to follow!  

THE TOFFEE NOSES v THE TOON***TOOONEET!

Posted '9:45am bells' Monday 17th September 2012

With several forst team squad players oot injured (Krul, Ryan Taylor, Simpson, Tiote and possibly Coloccini etc.) we gan to Goodison tooneet @ '8 bells', in hope more than expectation and to be honest we will be happy with a point from this one az 'The Toffee Noses' are on a 'high' after beatin' 'The Cockney Reds of Salford' on home soil a few weeks back.

We leave at '1:30 bells' this afternoon for the short trip to Morseyside ('short' compared with wor trip to Madeira near Africa, for wor Europa League game on Thorsday!) where ne doubt we will end up in 'Wetherspoons' or 'The Clock' not tooo far from the groond!
(That's in 'Mickeymouseland' and NOT Madeira, by the way!) (aalthough they've probably got a 'Wetherspoons' there, by now!)


Full 'Geordie Times' match report to follow tomorrow mornin'!---sometime?