SHOES OFF!---IF YI LOVE 'THE TOON'!

Posted: '9 bells' Wed 16th Feb
'Sensational pictures' from 'Reuters News Agency' have just filtered through to 'The Geordie Times' from Cairo, showin' that
'The Egyptian Branch of the Newcastle United Supporters Club' haz torned oot in force in Tahrir Square in a double celebration of wor fantastic 2-0 win at Birmingham last neet and wor amazin' comeback against 'The Arse' last week!

"SHOES OFF!---IF YI LOVE 'THE TOON'!"

Blackburn Rovers 0 The Toon 0

Posted: '10:30 a.m. bells' Sun 13th Feb
The neva endin' rollercoaster ride was an awayday @  
Blackburn 
Rovers yesterday.

We let the train tek the strain and arrived at wor destination @ '10:30 bells'. 'The Post Office' bar in Blackburn toon centre offered us 'John Smiths' extra caad at one poond sixty five a pint!----less than one thord of the price we paid at wor recent away game @ Fulham (fower quid a pint!) 
From there it was onto a club near the groond for somemore 'cheap liquid' before heedin' for the tornstiles.
In complete contrast to wor 4-4 thriller against 'The Arse' the Saturday before, this one ended nowts each with Peter Lovencrands comin' closest for us when his lob ower the goalie in the 14th minute hit the Blackburn bar. The Toon were the better team and shud have won, but wth ne recognised strikers to pick from the outcome was predictable.
4,750 Toon fans were there to witness this and afterwards we heeded back to the train station with a 'stop-off' at York for a few more 'refreshments'
in the city centre before catchin' the '125' back to Geordieland.------
Attendance: 26,781 (Rovers biggest crowd of the season so far!)

"TOON FANS DRINK BLACKBURN DRY!"


"NO BOOZE AT THE BOOZERS!"



The followin' report haz appeared in the sports section of  'The News of the World'----and I quote: "Talk about feast to famine. The poor travelling Geordie faithful had their thirst wetted by an amazing comeback against The Gunners. It's a good job they drank the local boozers dry by kick off, because there was nothing here to raise a glass to"---unquote

Next up: 'The Brummies' of Birmingham on Tuesday neet @ St Andrews in the re-arranged 'snowed off' game from December when we got within 3 miles of the groond before findin' oot that the game was off! (lets hope for better luck this time---"Eh!")

The next 'mad-sad' archive groond report will be in the next few days---- when aa get the time!
Mboro U17's v The Toon U17's & Mboro U19's v The Toon U19's! played at the same time! @ the Smoggies Rockcliffe Park trainin' groond near Darlo in 1999 (ground(s) 177 &177.5!)< it doesn't get much madder than this! 
"A GROONDHOPPERS & TRAINSPOTTERS PARADISE!"
("TWO GAMES OF FOWER HALF'S(S)!")

10 YEAR SEASON TICKET PRICE FREEEZE!

Posted '12 nooon bells' Thorsday 10th Feb 
News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that a 10 year season ticket price freeeze is to be offered to current season ticket holders.
Yih have the option of cancellin' each year, but if yih divvint cancel or forget!---(or!-- 'pop yih clogs' in the meantime!) yih money WILL automatically be taken oot of your piggy bank!---pronto!

SO!----if yih have a fatal heart attack watchin' 'The Toon' (very likely!) and gan to that great 'Level 7 Heaven' in the sky, mek sure yih cancel it!---or! yi'll  end up payin' for your seat til 2022!



"I've been dead for 5 years!---Howay the lads!"
(Somewhere in the upper reaches of 'level 7'---
a  'DIE'-hard '10 year' season ticket holder!--
-season 2021-22!)



THE TOON 4 ! THE ARSE 4 !

Attendance (at start!) 51,561 (3,500 from 'The Arse') Attendance (at end!) 46,560!

"A GAME OF TWO HALF'S----YIH NOT F*****' KIDDIN' MATE!"

Forst half:
"YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO HOME!"

41 seconds: Walcott put's the visitors in front before many fans had even taken their seats!

2nd minute: 2-0 to The Arse (Djourou) and their fans start singin'---"You might as well go home!" 
'Fawlty Towers' who was sittin' next to me took this to mean HIM! and off he went in the direction of 'The Companions Club' in Leazes Park Road! (a new world and aallcomers record for leavin' before the end of the match!) (Attendance at this point: 51,560!)

10th minute: Van Persie adds a thord and a cricket score now looks on the cards---this results in three kiddaz in front of me leavin' their seats alang with 997 more from other parts of the groond! (Attendance at this point: 50,560!)

26th minute: Van Persie gets his 2nd and 'The Arses' 4th ----'Q' mass exordisss of a forther 1,000 or so! (Attendance at this point: 49,560!)

Second half:
A forther 3,000 or so heed for the exits before the restart, fearin' the worst! (that's 5,001 who had p****d off so far!)
(Attendance at the start of the second half: 46,560)


"THE COMEBACK OF AAALLL COMEBACKS!"

50th minute: The tornin' point of the game as Diaby is sent off for the visitors afta pushin' Joey Barton in the back of the heed

68th minute: A penalty for The Toon convorted by Joey Barton (1-4)

73rd minute: Leon Best scores, but the goal is ruled 'offside'! (later proved in TV replays to be 'onside'!)  

75th minute: Leon Best toe pokes in for us but this time the ref gives it! (2-4) 

83rd minute: Anotha penalty to us, again convorted by Joey (3-4)

87th minute: Wots left of the crowd gan wild as Tiote hits a thorty yard screamer into the corner of the net and is 'engulfed' by delirious Toon players! (4-4!) (shud have been 5-4 with the 'offside goal!)

The Arsenal fans look on in total bewilderment from Level 7 of The Leazes End---"You might as well go home lads and lasses!" ("Ha!-Ha!-Ha!") 


The 'Match of the Day' team said it aall later on:
 "It was the comeback of all comeback in Premier League history!"-----
"YI NOT F*****' KIDDIN' MATE!"

Fulham 1 The Toon 0

Posted '6 pm bells' Thorsday 3rd February

Mee gut feelin' that we didn't have anybody to replace 'yee naa who' up front came true when we lost 1-0 to Fulham at Craven Cottage.
Once we'd went behind midway through the second half by a Damian Duff effort (it HAD to be him---didn't it!?) there was 'ne way back' for 'The Toon' as by this time Shola Ameobi had went off injured with a fractured cheekbone after bein' elbowed (orly in the forst half) and quite simply we had ne one to put the baall into the net!
3,000 (plus) Toon 'suffer'agettes were there to witness this submission, but we must regroup for the game against 'The Arse' at St. James' on Saturday!
"HELP!"
Attendance: 25,620

"IF ANLY PIGS COULD FLY!?"

Posted Wednesday 2nd February
A'v just regained mee voice after the 'events' of Monday neet and the news that wor manager has AALL!? the thorty five million quid to spend soonds like good news---but!---'I BEG YOUR PARDEW'---wait a minute!---the transfor window is now closed (believe it or not, Alan!?) so how can we replace 'yee naa who' for the final run in? (we could aalways prop the defence up by fillin'  some money bags with 'the dosh' and stackin' them on the goal-line!) BUT!--whose gannih score the goals at the other end for us?

Spend it in the summer transfor window yi say?---but how much will we REEELY get ti spend????

Divvint hold yi breath!!!

Bolton resorves 4  The Toon resorves 3

We lost at Leyland last neet in the resorve league and were fower goals doon by half time. A brave fightback in the 2nd period with goals from Sammy Ameobi, Brad Inman and Adam Campbell wasn't enough and we came away pointless 

Attendance---'divvint naa!'

Tooneet it's Fulham away in London for the forst team and a'v got mee sarnies and liquid lubrication packed (with some clothes!) and am off to catch the 'twelve bells' train to King's Cross----wont be back til tomorrow afternoon!---match report to follow then!

I'M SPEEEECHLESS!

Posted late Monday neet 31st January

"IT'S MY TRAIN SET!---O.K!"



"Andy is waving goodbye!"


  

011 highfield road coventry

(GROUND NUMBER 11)
Date of First Visit: 22nd NOVEMBER 1969
HIGHFIELD ROAD, COVENTRY

COVENTRY CITY 1
NEWCASTLE UNITED 0

(OLD) DIVISION ONE
ATTENDANCE: 31,825 (2,000 Toon fans)



"MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG!"

This was at the time of the 'Jimmy Hill revolution' at Highfield Road and when Coventry was a 'boom town'.
City's average gates were aroond aboot the 35,000 mark, and their city centre groond was considered tih be one of the best in the land.


 Whey!---it even had an electronic scoreboard!, (see above!) while most other clubs like Newcastle had tih mek de with a 'manual' scoreboard at the back of the Gallowgate End. (Which!---was operated by an aad gadgie, who put the half time scores up by hand!) Progress indeed for the 'Sky Blues!'.


Fower of wih travelled doon tih the Midlands for this game by the supporters club from Morden Street in the Haymarket, namely, 'Billy the Skin', <(the forst kid on the block to get a skinheed haircut!—braces-boots 'n' aall! ) 'Dylan' and 'Crazy Collie' (plus meesel of course!) and we had plenty of 'the broon stuff' to keep us gannin and smuggled it onto the bus. (in them days it was OK to tek drink onto busses, but WE were slightleee underage at the time (15!) so we had to 'sneak it on'!)

We were 'clammin' by the time wih got there, as we hadn't took any 'bait' to gan with the 'liquid lubrication', so wih went to a 'chippy' in the city centre for some 'Desperate Dan'.
As we were waalkin' doon a side street scranin wor 'scabby eyes' 'n' 'jockeys whips', wih saw aboot a hundred or so kiddas runnin' wor way in the distance.
Wih didn't think anything of it at forst, but the fact that we were wearin' Toon scarfs should iv rang the 'alarm bells'!.



The followin' conversation went sommik like this:
Billy: "Wonder where thih gannin---like?".

Collie: "Looks like thih heedin' this way!".

Dylan: "Thiv got Coventry scarfs on!".

Me: "F*****' HELL!---Thih after US!---LEG IT!---QUICK!".

And LEG IT!, wih did!.
Wih hoyed wor 'scabby eyes' at them (mine was meat and taatty!, and was freezin' caad anyway!) and scarpered doon the nearest back alley!. We were lucky!, and managed tih give them the slip, but it was a close caall and (thankfully!) we were still in one piece!


 Still shakin', wih headed for the match and the 'safety'? of Highfield Road. Aall the Toon fans were gannin in the 'West End', which was the Coventry 'hard end' where aall their 'fruit 'n' nut cases' went!---SO!---that's where wih heeded!.
(We were gluttons for punishment in them days!)

The Coventry fans were in full voice as wih made for centre of the said 'West End' where they were congregated, and they were singin' their favorite song---which went sommik like!:

"Merrily we roll along, roll along, roll along,
merrily we roll along, up the Football League!"
"As we go we sing this song, sing this song, sing this song,
as we go we sing this song, sing this song for you!"
"Ci-ty!", (clap-clap-clap) "Ci-ty!", (clap-clap-clap) "Ci-ty!", etc.

The Toon fans on hearin' this, decided tih de their aan version, and substituted 'United' for 'City'. The Coventry fans were NOT! amused, and before lang a full scale battle was tekin place between the rival fans!. (there were ne segregation fences back in them days!)
At forst, the Toon 'radgies' were gettin' the upper hand, and charged at them with boots and fists flyin'!, and the Coventry fans 'legged it'. But!---they re-grouped and charged back at us!---and so it went on!.

In between aall this, ah was tryin' tih watch the game!, (Honest!) but with loads of coins 'clemmies' and 'half wollas' bein' hoyed aboot as well, this was'nt easy!.
The local 'Dibble' were havin' a field day, and quite a few Toon and City fans got 'collared', an' ended up in the cells for the neet!. (But not us!)

OH!---and the match itself!?---Well!---From warra could see?, (in between dodgin' the 'shrapnel'!)----

▼▼▼▼▼

Match (and fight!) Report here!    

 The Toon came into this game following a very useful goalless draa away to Porto in the Inter Cities Fairs Cup (now The Europa League) and made a couple of changes from the European tie.

Keith Dyson had sustained an ankle injury and was replaced by Jimmy Smith while Wyn Davies was rested and Jimmy Scott came in to lead the attack.

Although Jimmy Smith was picked as a forward, he did most of his work in midfield where he and Tommy Gibb caaz'd Coventry plenty of problems.

'Jinky Jim' held the baall up brilliantly and created more than a few openin's but unfortunately The Toons attack had little cutting edge withoot Davies and Dyson while Scotty and Pop Robson did their best work on the wings or in midfield.

With 'Jinky' there as well, wor approach work looked great but when the baall arrived in the penalty area, there was ne-one there to snap up the chances.

The footbaall flowed like vintage wine in the forst half with The Toon producing some sparklin' stuff, especially in the forst 20 minutes. After that, however, Coventry gained the upper hand and forced United back.

City gradually got more and more on top and were in danger of swampin' Newcastle but it seemed as if Lady Luck was on the side of the Geordies as 'the Sky Blues', Hunt, Machin and Blockley aall struck the Newcastle woodwork.

Iam McFaul and David Craig were superb as Coventry piled on the pressure. Twice 'Craigy' blocked shots on the goal line as we held on by the skins of wor teeth.

Just like the 'pagger' on the West End terraces the game became 'scrappy' after half time, but Ollie Burton did a good job in controllin' John O'Rourke, the former Boro striker who was making his debut for City, and Bobby Moncur somehow kept calm in the face of some comical tantrums and histrionics from the wily Setters.

Ne-one could deny that Coventry desorved to win as The Toon fell apart in the second half, but it was ironic that they scored the anly goal of the game thanks to a debatable penalty decision by the blind referee, nameleee! a Mr Sinclair of Guildford (accordin' to the prog) who adjudged Burton to have fouled Hunt inside the penalty area to concede a spot kick

There were anly ten mins to gan at this point and this provoked more fightin' in 'The Wild West' with Toon radgies 'Doddzy' and his 'side-kick' 'Proudy' both sportin' their 'trademark' butchers coats leadin' the 'charge of the light (blue) brigade!' (and yet more arrests!)

'Doddzy's favourite trick was to mek sure that there was at least one fan in front of him to shield him from 'the front line fightin' and as he shoved an unfortunate lad sportin' a black 'n' white pom pom hat towards the Coventry fans, the poor kidda was knocked clean oot with a 'Henry Cooper style' left uppercut to the chin by a City fan, who had 'ne neck' and fists like 'garden shovels' and the kidda fell to the groond, 'like a man who had just downed 20 bottles of Dog'!

Back on the field, the City man had definitely went doon ower Ollie's ootstretched leg, and just like wor friend on the terraces he fell heavily to the groond, but it looked more like a mistimed sweep at the baall, than a deliberate foul by the Welshman. (ie: HE was 'fakin it'!---wor friend WAS'NT!)

Nevertheless, Hunt (the c***!) then made a 'miraculous recovery' and picked himself up to put the penalty kick past McFaul and give Coventry the 1 – 0 win----which!----in torn, sent wih slidin' doon the table!----(and yet more fightin' between the rival factions!)

After the match it was back to the city centre for sommik to eat as we were clammin' again (we'd hoyed wor last meals at the Coventry fans--remember!) before heedin' back to the supporters club coach for the lang trip yem


Aaltogether nuw!
"Merrily we roll along, roll along, roll along,
merrily we roll along, DOON! the Football League!"
(sic!)



 Footnote:
Highfield Road was demolished in 2005 to be replaced by a crappy hoosin' estate but their 'savin' grace'? was to leave the pitch area alone and re-grass it so fans could relive their memories of bygone matches (and fights) in 'The West End'!

"Where's 'The West End' gone--like?"









Geordie Glossary of Terms and Phrases
(for the benefit of 'non Geordie' readers)
(as the words appear)


whey=well
de=do
caad=cold
scarpered=ran away
aad=old
fower=four
wih=we
meesel=myself
the broon stuff=beer
gannin=going gan=go
clammin=starvin
liquid lubrication=beer
desperate dan=scran=food (glorious food!)
scabby eyes=pies
jockeys whips=chips (nicked from 'cockney rhymin' slang!')
wor=our
(the)toon=Newcastle United FC
hoyed=thrown hoy=threw
radgies=idiots
clemmies=stones
half wollas=bricks
dibble=policeman
pager=fight
mek=make
20 bottles of dog=20 bottles of Newcastle brown ale
Sommik=something




©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)


 

255 whaddon road cheltenham

(GROUND NUMBER 255)
Date of First Visit: 28^th JANUARY 2006
WHADDON ROAD, CHELTENHAM


CHELTENHAM TOWN 0
NEWCASTLE UNITED 2 (Chopra, Parker)

FA CUP 4^th ROUND
ATTENDANCE: 7,022 (1,060 Toon fans)



"EVER DECREASING CIRCLES!"

Whaddon Road was a 'rare' new Leeegue groond for the thoosand and sixty 'Toonhoppers' present, who were lucky enough to get their hands on a 'prized' ticket and it was aalso a 'major milestone' for 'little old me' (Whey!---little a'm not---old aa am!) in mee Newcastle groundhoppin' exploits, as this just happened ti be the 100^th groond a'd visited of the 92 teams 'currently' in the League at the time.
Er!---if that soonds a bit 'Irish', aa should explain that that total
includes 24 'bulldozed' groonds that have 'bit the dust', the vast majority of which, have been (shamefully!) torned into supermarkets, business parks and hoosin' complexxxezz!


So!--- aa was 'ecstatic' (ti say the least!) when aa hord the news on Sky Sports that Cheltenham had beaten Chester in their thord roond reply for the right to host The Toon, as a'd aalready been ti Chester before ("GERRRIN!")


Taalkin' aboot 'major milestones', The Toon aalso had a 'nice roond figure' ti celebrate as well, as this was wor 5,000 competitive game in wor history


However!---A twelve thorty televised kick off was not what we wanted, but the 'hoverin' vultures from the 'BEEB' ('bless em'---NOT!) were prayin' that they could have their 'cake and eat it' and that we would be eatin' 'humble pie'!
A 'two am bells' alarm caall therefore was on the cards thanx to 'Motty & Co.'
Mee two travellin' companions for the near six hundred mile roond trip were, namely, 'Tex' "yee haa" Taylor and 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' who's 'jam jar' we were usin' ti gan doon in


We left at 'three thorty bells' and aa did the forst spell of drivin' doon ti Worcesterhire before havin' ti stop at the motorway services coz aa was absolutely shattered! (a'd anly managed two hours 'shuteye' the neet before)
After a quick 'nosebag' and a very expensive cup of 'Robert Lee', we set off again with 'Cowboy Norman' drivin' the final leg.


A'd done a hand drawn 'Auto Route' map of how ti get ti the groond and aa gave mee instructions oot as we sped doon the 'M5'
"Torn off at junction 10 then left at the big roondaboot next ti 'McDonalds" (etc etc) aa said and we eventually foond the groond with not one wrang tornin', which proved what a good navigator aa was and aa was 'chuffed ti bits' ti say the least that wi'd got there withoot havin' ti ask anybody directions.


But there's one 'tiny detail' a'd forgot aboot!---we had to pick Norman's brother 'Fawlty Towers' up at the train station as he'd been ti Sooth Wales for a couple of days visitin' his 'skin and blisters', Marjorie and Irene
Nuw the anly problem was!---aa had'nt thought of deein' a map ti get from the groond ti the station, so we set off 'blind' in the general direction of the toon centre which was two miles away.
We spotted some signs for the station and of course followed them, but! when we came to a roondaboot near the toon centre the signs suddenly disappeared. "Which way di wi gan nuw?", said 'Norman the Cowboy' as the traffic backed up behind us. Usin' mee 'navigational skills' aa telt him ti torn left and of course it was the wrang way and we got completely lost!


After drivin' aboot aimlessly for twenty minutes we passed the same booza THREE TIMES!, which meant that we were in fact gannin' aroond in CIRCLES! After the next 'circuit' we eventually flagged a postman doon to ask him the way and after dein' a much smaaller 'circle' we arrived at the station some three qwaatas of an hour after leavin' the groond! Of course bein' the 'navigator', aa got the blame for gettin' lost and mee reputation lay 'in tatters'! (the shame!)


We were late and we picked an impatient 'Fawlty' up and attempted to heed back to the groond. Again we got lost (AYE!---we passed that pub again!) so we ended up byin' an 'A to Z of Cheltenham' at a petrol station to find wor way back! (yi could'nt make it up---could yi?)



"HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE!---THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE!"
We (eventually!) parked up in a church car park near the groond (praise the lord!) and heeded for the warmth of 'The Cat and Fiddle' booza, just ower the road as it was aboot 'minus six' by this time. Predictably, bein' the anly booza we could see, it was chocker with Toon and Cheltenham fans.

"Sanctuary!"


'Match of the Day' was on the telly and they were givin' us a pre match view from inside the groond as the cameras panned towards the Cheltenham fans with their drums, horns and six layers of clothin'!
The cameras then panned to wor end where three rather rotund 'twenty stone plus' Toon fans were standin' bare chested in the arctic conditions with their beer bellies hangin' oot for aall the world to see, as the camera lenses zoomed in! (one for the ladies?)
Alan Hanson, who was one of the commentators, just shook his heed in disbelief, mutterin', "Hard men!---hard men!" (Brilliant!)
A sign on the bar waall pointed the way to 'The Drinkers End', (which just happened to be in the same direction as the visitors section, as we looked oot the window towards the groond) so when it was 'time ti gan', we had ne problems (this time!) findin' the way to 'wor end' of the groond!. (ie: we didn't need the 'A' to 'Z'! this time)




"YI COULD'NT SELL AALL YER BURGERS!"

Cheltenham of course is more famous for the Gold Cup than the FA Cup and their tiny home was packed to the rafters as the game kicked off with chants of *"Souness out!" from some disgruntled Toon fans! (before? the kick off?—"howway lads and lasses, support the team instead!") (*Graeme Souness was wor unpopular manager at the time)
It was a decidedly average performance until 'Chops' heeded into the net from close range in the 41^st minute and then 'Scotty' got wor 2^nd two minutes later when he got in the way of a defenders clearance and the baall hit him in the 'nether regions' and deflected into the net just inside the post! ("ouch!")
With two goals in three minutes, this effectively sealed 'The Robins' fate to send the Toon fans in raptures. (Chants of "Souness in!" then reverberated around the 1,000 seater away stand!) "Aarrgh!"


Then after the break, 'Big Al' went agonizingly close ti breakin' the club *goal scorin' record when he just failed to toe poke the baall into the net from a yard oot! (*He was equal with 'Wor Jackie' on 200 goals)
Cheltenham goalie Higgs took a load of ribbing with chants of "Higgy for England!" and much worse as the Toon fans took the p***! ----And he 'took the bait', 'hook, line and sinker', by reactin' angrily with hand gestures towards the away section! (NO!—he WASN'T wavin' at us!)
The home side then had two glorious chances to score but (thankfully!) missed them both, the second after Odejayi rounded Shay Given anly to blast the ball into the side nettin' with the goal empty!
(This brought sarcastic chants of "ARE YOU SHOLA IN DISGUISE?" from the Toon fans!)


The highlight of the second half however was when a hamburger seller with a hand written sign sayin', 'ALL FOOD HALF PRICE!' hurried alang the front of the away section to chants of "YI COULD'NT SELL AALL YER BURGERS!", from the Toon wags!
The burger seller was then chased by a rather obese Toon fan who promptly bought THREE! of them!
This brought further chants of, "YOU'RE JUST A FAT GREEDY BURGER!" (or words to that effect!) when he started scoffin' them 'Billy Bunter style'!


By the time the match finished, aa was aalso 'Hank Marvin' and so aa heeded straight for 'The Cheltenham Chippy' (or whatever it was caalled?) next to the away end for a bag of 'jockeys whips' (what else in Cheltenham?) before makin for 'The Cat' once again (ti let the traffic get away yi understand!)


Aa then bumped into a Toon fan caalled 'Kev' who said that we would now be favorites for the Cup! ?
Of course with a 'two thorty bells' finish, he was reet!---as we were the anly ones through ti the last 16 at that stage!
(WHO SAYS WE'RE NOT OPTIMISTS!?)




GEORDIE GLOSSARY OF TERMS

It has come to my attenshun that some fans can't understand what a'm sayin' (Er!---sometimes neetha can aa!) so for this reeeson a'v added an 'A to Z' 'Geordie Glossary of Terms' to help the 'non Geordie reeeders' amongst us!


Aa=I,
Big Al=Alan Shearer
Bells='O' clock
Booza=Public house
Chops=Michael Chopra
De(in)=Do(ing)
Gan(in)=Go(ing)
Gerrrin=Get in
Groundhoppers=Fans who visit new grounds
Hank Marvin=Starving
Howway=come on
Jam jar=Car
Jockeys Whips=Chips
Nosebag=Food (glorious food!)
Qwaata(z)=Quarter(s)
Robert Lee=Tea
Skin and blisters=Sisters
Scotty=Scott Parker
The Toon=Newcastle United FC
Toonhoppers=Newcastle away fans
Whey=Well
Wor=Our
Wor Jackie=Jackie Milburn


Cheers!




©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)




PS: Extracts from the above story aalso appeared in the next Newcastle home programme, on the 'Fink The Fan' page

276 champions hill stadium dulwich hamlet

(GROUND NUMBER 276)
Date of First Visit: 6^th JANUARY 2011
CHAMPIONS HILL STADIUM, DOG KENNEL HILL, DULWICH, sooth LONDON


DULWICH HAMLET U18's  2
NEWCASTLE UNITED U18's  6
(Maddison 4, McGorrigan, Spear)


FA YOUTH CUP 3^rd ROUND
ATTENDANCE: 439 <(looked like at least 700 to me like!?) (100 Toon fans)




"HAPPINESS IS A 6-2 WIN AT HAMLET!"

"A 6-2 win!---where's mee Hamlet cigars!???"


Part One:
"TO BE!-OR NOT TO BE!---THAT IS THE QUESTION!?"


The original game at the beginnin' of December was caalled off with less than 24 hours notice because of aall the bad weather we were havin', meanin' that wor advance £27 train tickets we'd bought had to be 'binned'. And as the weather was still 'iffy' one month later we decided to drive doon to Peterborough and get a cheap day retorn ticket on the train/tube rather than pay in advance again and lose the money if the game was called off at the last minute.
What we wanted to naa of course was---"was the game to be played---or not to be played---that
was the question! (now!---where have aa hord that before???)

We got the 'thumbs up' that the game was on this time ("horray!") and set off doon the 'A1' at 'eleven bells' in 'The Caped Crusaders' 'bat-mobile' with 'The Mad Professor' in the back seat. Once in Peterborough we let the train (and tube) take the strain and arrived in East Dulwich some two hours before the 'seven bells' kick off. There was a 'liquid lubrication location' ower the road from the train station caalled 'The Vale' so we made that wor forst Dulwich 'port o call'.
The lassie behind the bar telt us that she was from Waallsend and that hor auntie lived in Lobley Hill in Gatesheed (a place aa naa very well) and aa couldn't help thinkin' ---"what a smaall world it is!"


Part Two:
"ONLY!--- TWENTY FOUR MINUTES FROM TULSE HILL!"


'Bysy' from Ashington then waalked into the bar and said that he'd travelled doon on his aan by bus but strangely there was nee sign of 'Dave from York' or 'Alex' his side kick as they'd phoned us orlier to say that they were half an hour in front of us on the train (so WHERE THE F*** were they?)


Ten minutes later they waalked perplexed <(wotever that meeenz?) into the bar, explainin' that they'd ended up in East Croydon as they'd got completely lost on the train! ("Er!"---it should be explained that BOTH! of them are retired train company managers!) (ie: if THEY! can't find there way aboot then how the F*** can WE?) They said that the train timetable at East Croydon telt them that they were only 'twenty four minutes from 'Tulse Hill', a station not far from East Dulwich and so they hopped on the REET train this time and arrived half an hour behind us! (red faces aall roond!)





"ONLY!--TWENTY FOUR MINUTES FROM TULSE HILL!"



After a couple of 'gargels' there, it was time to move on to the groond which we were telt was next to a Sainsbury's Superstore and we knew that we were getting' warm as we past a tree with a Sainsbury's plastic bag stuck on one of it's branches blowin' in the breeze,
As the groond was on 'Dog Kennel Hill' (would you believe?) aa started listenin' for the soond of dogs barkin', but to no avail!—as there was anly the noise of traffic heedin' for the superstore's car park!

The Sainsbury's store then appeared in the distance alang with the floodlights of the groond and to get there we had to bizarrely walk through a CAR WASH to reach the tornstiles behind one of the goals! (It should be noted that the car wash was deserted and switched off at the time!)
Once inside after payin' wor fower quid admission fee we made for the clubhouse which was at the back of the main stand with an uninterrupted view of the pitch from it's windows.


Inside, the bar area was a fair size runnin' the length of the pitch and there were a few other London based fans there alang with another half dozen or so saddos who had travelled doon from the north east includin' Byzy's mate Glennn, 'The Bear' and 'Vince'. We were aalso 'honoured' to be in the presence of 'the one and only' 'Colonel Gaddafi' ----NOT! the one from Tripoli in Libya, but the one from Bracknell in Berkshire, who strikes a canny resemblance to the Libyan leader and is 'affectionately' knaan simply as 'The Colonel' to aall Toon fans who naa him.


However!---'The Colonel' decided that as it was tooo caad to gan ootside and that he was gannih watch the match from the warmth of the clubhouse instead, whilst partaking in a few 'liquid refreshments' (Soft B*****d!)
I pointed oot to him that under the terms of 'The Geordie Convention' that if he watched the whole match from INSIDE the bar area that he COULDN'T include it in his 'groundhoppin' records unless he actually went onto the terraces at some point durin' the match (Rule 37b!)


I have to tell you that he just shrugged his shoulders in a 'couldn't care- a-less' attitude and gulped his 'lubrication' doon his 'Gregory Peck'
(Now where did aa put mee 'little black book'?)

'Gaddafi of Bracknell'


Part Three:
"FAR FROM THE MADD-ENING CROWD!"


Aa like these games for one simple reason---yi not crammed in like sardines with 50,000 others at a Premier League game and there were aroond aboot 700 or so present as the game kicked off, mostly in the main stand seats. (ne doubt that this was 'Hamlets' biggest crowd of the season by a lang way!)
The windows of the blocks of flats on 'Dog Kennel Hill' behind the right hand side goal lit up the night sky, but it's occupants would have been too far away to see any of the action (unless they had binoculars!)
To say that the Dulwich team were big lads would be the understatement of the year (six days in!) as it looked like they must have been drinkin' Irn Bru and eatin' spinach for their pre match meal!. They were much bigger than the Toons' youngins' and they started off strongly by makin' an orly breakthrough in the 9^th minute when a defensive mix up left the goal empty and one of their forwards gleefully placed the baall into the unguarded net. Just 5 mins later though we were back on equal torms when Marcus Maddison fired home at 'The Car Wash End' and we went in 'aall square' at the break .


Aa heeded back to the bar where 'The Colonel' was sittin' at the coonter lookin' a bit 'comatosed' and with anly two 'flustered' barmaids to sorve us it took quite a while to get mee 'gargel'. They obviously weren't prepared for a crowd of this magnitude as the Geordie hordes demanded their 'half time fix'!


And now av got a confession to make!---as aa heeded back to the touchline for the start of the second half aa was asked by 'The Caped Crusader' if a'd seen wor 2^nd goal?. I had to admit that I HADN'T as I was waalkin' doon the stairs at the time and he imformed me that Ryan McGorrigan had fired a shot in from close range at!---(wait for it!)—'The Dog Kennel End!' (it HAD to be!) ("woof!-woof!")


Further goals from Maddison in the 51^st and 64^th minute completed his hat trick as the part timers from 'Hamlet' tired as the game progressed, with lack of fitness a key factor in their collapse (they must'iv ran oot of spinach!?)
Maddison added a 4^th for himself and 5^th for The Toon late into the game with the home side replyin' through De Frietas with a fine lob ower Alnwick in the Newcastle goal. However Aaron Spear completed the rout for us when he fired in a low shot from the edge of the box for wor sixth and final goal at 'The Dog Kennel End'


Not bad!—a'd actually seen SEVEN of the eight goals scored and we hurried off as the final whistle blew to catch the train back to central London and as we made wor way back through the car wash the tannoy annooncer informed us that the crowd was 439!?—a much lower number than was actually there??? (gate f***le or wot???)
Anyway!---to cut a lang story 'lang', we eventually got back to Tyneside at 'two bells' in the mornin'---another groond ticked off the 'list'!




©Fink™(the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)



Geordie Glossary of Terms
(for the benefit of  'non-Geordie' readers)

seven bells=seven o clock (etc) 
liquid lubrication location=a pub!
wor=our      naa=know     aan=own     nee=no  
telt=told     gargels=beers     fower=four
caad=cold     gannih=going to    
liquid refreshment=beer     lubrication=beer
gregory peck=neck