THE TOON 5 THE HAZBEEENZ AND VILLIANS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2023-2024

 Posted 'from 'high noon bells' onwards Sunday 13th August 2023

Wot can we say?---A better start and performance on the opennin day of the season could not be imagined with 2 debutants gettin on the scoresheet az well---Tonali with the forst goal and Barnes with the last! 

Aa went orly az the new digital system woz in force and worries aboot not gettin in on time woz mee big fear!---Thankfully aa had nee problems gettin into The Milburn Stand, but we hord later that many on The East Stand side didn't get in for the kick off!

LANG QUEUES OOTSIDE THE EAST STAND JUST BEFORE KICK OFF!

(Arsenal's orly kick off game woz delayed 30 minutes because of digital ticket problems)

The goal sequences were az follows: 

6th minute: After sustained pressure we took an orly lead when debutant Sandro Tonali got onto the end of a Anthony Gordon cross to fire in at The Leazes End to send the capacity crowd wild!

10th minute: The lead didnt last long az Villa equalized through Diabi who woz unmarked in the Gallowgate box! 

16th minute: 6 minutes later and it woz 2-1 to 'us' when a Botman pass foond 'Alexander (Isak) the Great' who made nee misstayk from a few yards oot!

Controversy followed when Miggy Almiron woz brought doon on The East Stand touchline, near the half time break, when their goalie Martinez raced oot of hiz box!---A RED card for certain?---But NO!---the ref pulled oot a yellow instead to very loud booin' from the crowd!   10 minutes stoppage time woz then added for a bad knee injury to Villa's Mings who woz stretchered off!

58th minute: Isak disposed Konsa on the edge of the box and hiz chip flew into the far corner of The Gallowgate net! 3-1 to 'us'

77th minute: Super sub Callum Wilson who had been on the pitch for less than 10 minutes hit a sweet shot from a Harvey Barnes cross (who had aalso come on) 4-1

91st minute: The icing on the cake when debutant 2 Harvey Barnes ran onto a Jacob Murphy through baall to hit a peach of a shot past Martinez to complete the opennin' day rout! 5-1

The result sent us to the top of the Premyaa Leegue tree---a better strart we couldnt have imagined!

Attendance: 52,207 includin 3,000 Villians, many of who had departed lang before the end!

*

“It’s wor cup!

Updated ‘6:20pm bells’ Sunday 

The commentator on the Chelseee v Liverpoool game haz just said: “The big 6 are not necessarily the top 6!”

Wot the hells aall that about —-like????

Wot does he meen ????

Updated midneet bells Munday

Roond 1 of fixtures have now been played with NUFC in top spot!🤪👍

THE TOON v THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS *** SATURDAY TEATIME! *** PLUS A CHAMPAGNE PARTY FOR NEARLY £800!

 Posted just after 'high noon bells' Thorzday 10th August 2023

"A NEW BREED OF FANS!---COMING SOON TO ST. JAMES' PARK!"

"THE ROOFTOP TOFFS!"

The forst Premya Leegue game of the season v Villa iz aalmost upon us, which of course iz a complete selloot ----UNLESS! yoo have a spare £800 to sit in the brand new 'Rooftops Executive Restaurant'!---where yoo can sip Champagne til your hearts content! 

Aye that's reet! (nearly) £800 to watch ONE game, which iz more than most fans have paid for their season tickets! 

Gone are the days in the 1960s when a skinny gadgie in a forn coloured coat would hoy peanuts to fans in the crowd in return for a tanner (6 pence) in old money (two and a half pence in todays money!)

And for BOVRIL substitute CHAMPAGNE! 

The times they certainly are a changin at St. James' Park!

"OH I SAY!--- THIS NEW COCKTAIL BAR IS SPIFFING OLD CHAP!"

"WHERE'S THE PEANUTS AND BOVRIL--LIKE!?"

VAT IZ  ANLY AN EXTRA 20% !

The Rooftops entrance!

"SORRY SIR!---NO 'RIFF-RAFF' ALLOWED IN HERE!"

Updated Friday

We here that Joe Willock haz a hamstring injury and will be ruled oot for a month 

Match report will appear here on Sunday

Ax per usual “Watch this space!

"SO THIS IZ LIVINGSTONE ER!" LIVRAMENTO I PRESUME!?"

 Posted '1:14pm bells' Tuezday 8th August 2023

ST. JAMES' PARK THIS MORNIN'

Defender Valentino Livramento haz finally signed for The Toon from Sooothampton after attendin wor 2 games in The Sela Cup ower the weekend!  It iz reported that the fee iz excess of £30million for the Ing'lind U21 International who despite hiz Italian soundin name, woz born in Croydon in sooth London!

"Welcome to The Toon Tino!"

THE TOON 4 THE YELLOW SUMARINES 0 ***SELA CUP *** NUFC WIN IT!

 Posted from 'high noon bells' onwards, Munday 7th August 2023

"4 'TORPEDOES' SINK THE YELLOW SUBMARINES!" 

NUFC finished off wor pre season with another victory and some silverware az well, in the shape of The Sela Cup with a 4-0 win ower Villarreal of Spain (aka 'The Yellow Submarines' coz they play in aall yellow!)

NUFC wore wor aall dark blue away strip and the team woz completely different to the team on Saturday!

The goal sequences were az follows:

6th minute   Jacob Murphy: A Matt Richie cross iz half cleared and Murphy pounces on the baall and after a couple of touches he fire home into The Leazes goal HT: 1-0 with NUFC well on top

62nd minute Harvey Barnes: Makin hiz home debut recieved a pass from Joelinto and he lashed the baall into the net before celebratin in front of The Strawberry Corner!

76th minute Joelinton: Joe runs through the Villarreal defence and hits a sweet shot from the edge of the penalty area to make it 3-0 and affectively win the Sela Cup az there woz nee way back for the Spaniards! 

79th minute Harvey Barnes: Barnzee puts the icin' on the cake when Callum Wilson made a precision pass to Barnzee and he drilled the baall into The Gallowgate goal for hiz 2nd of the game!

Villarreals submarine had been well and truly ''TORPEDOED!"

  

"IT'S WOR CUP!!!"

And now for something completely different! (From yesterday's startin' line up!)

FOOTNOTE: We are very sad to hear of the passin' of Toon fan and Northern Alliance referee Barry Sweeney. Barry woz the dad of Liam Sweeney, who alang with John Alder were killed on their way to New Zealand in 2014 for NUFC friendlies when their plane woz shot doon ower Ukraine!

RIP Barry

THE TOON 2 FIORENTINAA 0 *** SELA CUP

Posted from 'high noon bells' onwards, Sunday 6th August 2023

A 2-0 win ower Italian opposition Fiorentinaa with goals from Miggy Almiron at The Leazes End in the forst half and from Alexander(Isak) the Great at The Gallowgate End in the 2nd half, sealed this vicory in front of wot looked like a sub 30,000 crowd in sub summer temperatures! (ie: Not much global warmin' roond these parts!) 

Sandro Tonali made hiz debut and he created a few good chances, while 17 year old Lewis Miley woz the man of the match with a great display! Elliot Anderson aalso had a great game!

The breakthrough came in the 38th minute when Isak sent a precision pass to Almiron and he colly placed the baall into the Leazes net!

Isak's goal in the 2nd period came in the 82nd minute, when he heeded in a Trippier corner and into the Gallowgate net to collect the 3 points plus 2 bonus points for the 2 goals scored! 

The win meeenz that we are unbeaten so far in 6 pre season games!(Won 4, drawn 2)

Earlier Villarreal of Spain and Nice of France drew 1-1 meeenin that NUFC top the group after one game each!

PS: After wor game The Toon lasses beat West Brom lasses 3-0 to complete a Toon 'double'!

Wor 2nd game iz today at '4:00 bells' v Villarreal and victory (with an entirely different team to yesterday’s) will secure the Sela Cup, provided neethaa Nice or Fiorentina dont score a boatload of goals!--Their game kicks off at '2:00 bells'

A match report on wor game will appear here sometime on Munday!

THE MATCH PROGRAMME WHICH COVERS AALL THE GAMES OWER 2 DAYS

Am not sayin that The Leazes End (companions) woz empty after the game—-but!     PS: a few came in after as took this photo!

"HAY HO LETS GO!---HAY HO TINO!"

 Posted just after 'high noon bells' Friday 4th August 2023

Wor 3rd major signin in the transfor window haz joined NUFC!

Valen(Tino) Livramento haz signed from relegated Sooothampton for a fee reported to be aroond aboot the £40 milion mark and will swap those horrible red n white Sooothampton stripes for the MAGnificent black n white stripes of NUFC!

He's a right back and iz 20 years old and iz an Ing-er-land U21 international!

Meeenwhile! we play the forst of 2 home games in 2 days v Fiorentina of Italy on Saturday ('3:30 bells') and Villarreal of Spain on Sunday ('4:00 bells') in The Sela Cup! 

Nice of France play Villarreal before wor game on Saturday '12:30 bells')---and after wor game the NUFC lasses team takes the field against WBA Women ('6:00 bells')

Before wor game on Sunday Fiorentina play Nice ('1;00 bells')

Tournament format: 3 points for a win, 1 point for a draw and an additional 1 point for every goal scored!

We fully expect that 2 completleee different NUFC teams will appear on Saturday and Sunday!

We understand that the top tiers of The Milburn and Leazes Stand will be empty, meeenin a crowd of under 40,000 iz expected! (Mainly due to the high ticket prices of £55 for the 2 days!)

"WHERE WERE YOO WHEN WE WERE SH*TE!"?

 Posted 'high noon bells' Thorzday 3rd August 2023

(FROM TWITTER)

For fans cryin that they cannit get away tickets, my question iz this:  "Where were yoo when 'The Fat Controller' woz in charge and Alan Pardew, Steve McClaren and  'Broken Nose Bruce' were wor managers"??? 

Loyalty points often went doon to zero and they even went on general sale to anybody who wanted one!!! (So fans had plenty of time to build up their points!)

ie: "Where were yoo when we were 💩"?????

WHY CHANGE SOMETHING THAT WORKS PERFECTLY OK?

 Posted just before ‘high noon bells’ Wedinzday 2nd August 2023

News that the new digital ticket system has encoonted problems even before it’s started, reaches The Geordie Times!

Corporate hospitality fans have received the above e mail!—- But NOT the riff-raff like us!---"YET!"

And suppose yoo don’t have a printer? Like little old me???

The old system , where yoo had a plastic credit card size season ticket or a paper ticket to enter the stadium worked perfectly OK-so why change it for something that is prone to signal or electrical failure!?

We await with bated breath to see if wor phone tickets work this weekend for the Sela Cup and next week against Villa in wor first premyaa Leegue game!???

PS: Just hord that there will be CASH TORNSTILES in operation!!!!

TAXI FOR MAXI!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Tuezday 1st August 2023

News that we aall expect that Allan Saint Maximin haz been transfered to Saudi club Al Ahil for a reported £23million haz finally happened!

He loves The Toon and in a farewell message on social media, he said that he iz heartbroken to leave!💔

We will miss hiz mazy dribbles, acrobatics (and crazy hair duwz!) and we wish him aall the very best with hiz new Saudi club (and very fat pay check!)

Maxi’s brilliant message to Toon fans!

FAN-PARK TO OPEN BY NOVEMBER

 Posted 5:20pm bells 🔔 Munday 31st July 2023

NUFC have said that a fan park will open behind The Gallowgate End by the end of November in conjunction with ‘STACK’ pub chain and will show live NUFC games home and away on a big screen in the complex! Great news for those who cannot get into games because of the massive demand!

More to follow when we find oot!

As per usual “Watch this space!”