THE TOON 1 THE BORNLEY HILLBILLIES 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2021-2022

 Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 5th December 2021

"WE'VE ACTUALLY WON A GAME!!!!!!"

SIX months after wor last Premyaa Leegue win (away to Fulim) we finally---finally!--broke wor duck for this season at the 16th attempt (15 Premyaa Leegue, 1 Leegue Cup) by actually winnin' a game!!!!

Callum Wilson woz wor hero of the day when we wellied home a shot into the roof of the unguarded net in the 40th minute, after the Bornley goalie dropped the baall at The Leazes End!----VAR intervened to see if he had been fouled, but thankfully----mercifully!---the goal stood az the roof woz lifted off the stadium!

Then a late shock when 'The Hillbillies' equalized, but again VAR intervened and thankfully!---mercifully!---the goal woz disallowed for offside! (the line-aa on the East Stand side had raised hiz flag)

When the final whistle blew the noise and celebrations from the fans and players and backroom staff woz unreal---If yoo were a stranger yoo would have thought that we'd actually won the Leegue or FA Cup, such woz the relief of everyone inside SJP!

Attendance: 51,948 (2,500 Hillbillies!) < (They live high up on the Pennine hills of Lancashire!)

Wotfaad's loss to Man City meeenz that we are anly 3 points from safety with 23 games to gan!---OK, the next 4 games are against big opposition in the form of Lestaa away (could nick a point?), Liverpoool away(ne chance), Man City at home (nee chance) and Moan United at home (could nick a point?)--and after that it's Evaatin away (could nick 3 points?)---and then the January transfor window, when, hopefully some big guns will roll into the side!

HAPPY AND RELIEVED TOON FANS LEAVE THE GROOND, SINGIN' THEIR HEEDS OFF!

Everybody, includin most NUFC fans thought that we were doomed before the game, BUT now they realize that we could in fact escape the drop! (The Geordie Times never gave up hope!)

We have got that 'monkey off wor back' at last! (apologeez to Hartlepool fans!)  🐒

THE TOON v THE BORNLEY HILLBILLIES *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 4th December 2021

"IT'S SQUEEKY BUM TIME, FOLKS!"

If we can beat Bornley today and other results gan in wor favour, then we will anly be 3 points from safety---but of course NUFC are winless in 14 Premyaa Leegue games plus that Leegue Cup tie v Bornley, when we went oot on penalties after a 0-0 draw at SJP in August!

Indeed, 'The Hillbillies' have anly won 1 oot their 13 Premyaa Leegue games and none away!----A great chance for 'US' to get that forst elusive win under wor belts!

Lose or draw this game though and things will be bleak on the run up to Xmas and the new year, az we will be cast adrift with games at Lestaa, the 2 Manc clubs and Liverpoool comin' up!

At the time of writin' there were just 145 tickets left for the game and they will surely be sold before the '3:00 bells' kick off!---Anothaa 'selloot' for the bottom team! 

("We must be mental---we must be mad!?---but we're the loyalist futbaall supporters---the world haz ever had!"

Az per usual a full match report will appear here on Sunday---sometime!

THE HEEDBANGERS v CHARLTON PATHETIC *** FA CUP 2nd ROOND *** TOONEET!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 3rd December 2021

Tooneet at '7:45 bells' 'The Heedbangers' of Gatesheed take centre stage on Tyneside, when they play Charlton Pathetic in the FA Cup 2nd roond at Gatesheed International Stadium!

The game iz live on ITV4 and a'v opted to watch it in 'The Crows Nest' rather than in person at Gatesheed Stadium for a number of reasons!

1: Its aalways freeezin cold when we gan, there az the main stand faces in the direction of the Tyne, where the wind blows hard into yi face! (Plus there are NEE tickets on sale today anyway?----for whatever reason?)

2: Not sure wot they are chargin tooneet to get in, but if wor resorve friendly iz anything to gan by, then prices will be too high, plus yoo need pre booked tickets to get in! (see Heed v Toon match report from August, below)

3: The fiasco in that friendly would put anybody off az the inside toolsheds and caterin' were out of bounds! (ie: nee food or booze on sale!)

4: The main stand iz sold oot tooneet----(the anly cover in the groond) and so the rest iz open to the elements! (ie: It's dry in the bar!)

5: The 8 lane runnin track and lang jump pit, meeenz yoo are too far from the pitch----Just like West Ham's new abode! (ie: Yoo get a much better view on the big screen!)

Anyway!---We at The Geordie Times wish them the best of luck against Leegue 1 Charlton ---and nee doubt the south Londoners will bring a couple of thoosand with them to boost the gate!

The draw for the 3rd roond takes place on Munday neet and we can anly hope that if 'The Heedbangers' get through, that they DIVVINT get NUFC! (For obvious reasons!)

The last time we were here! (see match report below!)

Updated '10:30am bells' Saturday

A valiant effort from Gatesheed who had several good chances to score! But it woz Charlton who did score goals in their 2-0 win!

We watched the game in The Crows Nest in the Haymarket area of the Toon and everyone woz rootin' for wor very near neighbours who aalso play in black n white (checkered flag shirts!)

But it wernt to be!---Aall eyes on the 3rd roond draw on Munday, when NUFC are involved!

Spotted in the crowd woz a certain former NUFC record breakin' centre forward in disguise!

THE HEEDBANGERS 4 THE TOON U23/ACADEMY X1 1 *** PRE SEASON FRIENDLY

 Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 2nd August 2021

"COVID 19 'HEED'-ACHE!"

Havin just got back from Burton (See match report below) and after dumping mee owerneet bag back yem and gettin some scran, it woz soon time to heed for 'The Nags Heed' on Gatesheed high Street before heedin for Gatesheed stadium where 'The Heed' were takin on wor U23/Academy X1 side in a friendly!

After a swift 'gargel' in 'The Nags', it woz off to the stadium to get some more ale in the bar beneath the main stand!

Gettin a ticket for the game woz a nightmare az there were nee pay gates on the day and so a'd ended up booking online on mee phone durin the half time break at Burton the neet before!

Gatesheed had billed this game az a Newcasil X1, to try and sell more tickets,  but the fact that they were charging £15 for adults and a tenner for zimmerframe-ites(like me!) and sprogs, woz way ower the top and DOUBLE the zimmerframe-ites(OAP) price for The Toon's friendly game v Nohrich next Saturday!!

Anyway! I approached the turnstiles, but they were shut and a steward told me that the turnstiles wornt open til 1 hour before kick off! (It woz 1:30 bells')  He aalso told me that the bar wasn't open and there woz nee food on sale az they didn't want queues inside the concourses, because of Covid restrictions!

Strange that AALL the previous friendlies had their food outlets open, az well az the bars!?

I decided a change of plan and heeded to 'The Schooner' bar next to the Tyne doon the road!

It woz packed and there woz a QUEUE to get drinks at the bar!!!

Aa stopped there til near KO time and heeded back to the groond where mee phone woz scanned to get in!

A'd arranged to meet 'Glennn from Ashington' and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' inside and sat beside them, leavin a 1 seat gap between us, az there woz plenty of room!

We could see two female stewards pointing at us and sure enough one came up and told Glennn that he woz sitting in a seat withoot a Gatesheed sticker on it and that wasn't allowed!

She told him to move to the seat next to me which had one, which meant that there woz nee social distancing between us!

Pure ridiculous nonsense if yoo ask me!!!

And then the beer went through me, so I heeded to the 'tool shed' for a 'gypsies kiss'!  On mee way doon the stairs a woman steward stopped me and asked me where aa woz gannin'   "The toilet!" aa said---and she said: "Your supposed to use the portaloos next to the runnin track, but az you are near the toilets inside, you can go there!" ("EH!"?)

SPOT THE PORTALOOS!

WOW!-- how ridiculous can yoo get?---every other away game we have been to so far in pre season, we were allowed to use the inside toilets, buy food and drink and sit where yoo wanted---but in Gatesheed, yoo can't!

Anyway!---The game kicked off and az expected wor team woz full of young guns, which the home side took advantage of from the word go!  £15 for an adult ticket to watch wor youth team!---a complete con and rip off by Gatesheed FC! (The most expensive of wor pre season games!)

Not suprizingly 'The Heedbangers' with several former Toon players in their side includin captain Mike Williamson, took the lead from ex Toon player Adam Campbell in the 12th minute and doubled it in the 30th minute through another former Magpie, Greg Olley!

It woz aall Gatesheed, but we managed to hold oot til half time with just a 2-0 deficit!

NUFC came oot of the block in the 2nd period and scored within 3 minutes of the restart, when Dylan Stephenson fired home to bring us back into the game!

It didn't last lang though and 'The Heedbangers' went 3-1 up through a goal from yet another former Toon player, Cedwyn Scott who scored from a through baall!   

It woz 4-1 to the home side 10 minutes after their 3rd when Paul Blackett's shot foond the corner of the net, much to the delight of 'The Heed Army' and despair of 'The Toon Army'!

It could and should have been more to the home side, but thankfully there were nee more goals conceded!---In total NUFC used aall 22 players available, many of them teenagers and it woz the heaviest defeat for a Toon side v Gatesheed that aa can remember!

A CRUMPLED TEAM SHEET--WOT DID YOO EXPECT?---

THIZ IZ 'THE GEORDIE TIMES' AFTER AALL!

Attendance: 833 (200 or so Toon fans)(100 in the far stand from us and approx 100 in the main stand)

*If they had charged, say a tenner for adults and a fiver for concessions and had a pay gate, a 4 figure crowd would have most likely torned up!

Taalk aboot shootin' yoursel in the foot! 

Or shud that be: shootin' yoursel in the 'HEED'!?

🥶🔫

THE TOON 1 THE CANARY CUSTARD CREAMS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2021-2022

 Posted 'high noon bells' Thorzday 2nd December 2021

"SELF INFLICTED WOUNDS!"

The game against Nohrich woz there to be won, but Ciaran Clark had other ideas and got himself sent off in the 9th minute for a daft 'pull-back' of Teemu Pukki, who woz clean through on goal! 

This woz after Clark had made a botched clearance, just to make it a bit  more difficult for us!  That meant we had to survive 81 minutes with 10 men---an uphill battle we didnt need!

We survived til half time withoot a single shot on goal and wor visitors were even worse!

The breakthrough came in the 61st minute when a Nohrich player woz adjudged to have handled the baall in the box---and after a lang VAR check and massive protest from their players, the ref went ower to look at the monitor and he gave the penalty, much to the annoyance of the away side and ex Toon goalie Tim Krul.

Callum Wilson took it after some antics by Krul to put him off, but he woz unable to keep the shot oot, despite gettin a hand to it and pushin the baall onto the underside of the cross bar at 'The Gallowgate End'!

The roof lifted off the groond when it went in and the anly question left woz 'can we keep a clean sheet' for once and hold on for the win?

Unfortunately NOT, az Dubravka in The Toon goal parried the baall in the 79th minute from a harmless lookin cross, instead of tryin to catch it or punch it clear at The Leazes End---and The Canary's Pukki woz onhand to fired home the equalizer, to the despair of most of the 50,000 present---but NOT for the 800 or so Nohrich diehards who had made the difficult jorney north!

They then went for the winner, but thankfully Dubravka redeemed himself with a couple of great saves and in the end we were hangin on for 'dear life'!

ONE point lifts gives us 7 points from 14 games and nee wins of course, az we gan into December withoot a victory to wor name, which iz by far and away the worst run in wor entire history!

Can we escape???---Who knows, but Bornley are next up on Saturday and (az we repeated many times before) its a must, must, must win game!

'Self inflicted wounds' were wor downfaall this time, so lets hope we can keep 11 players on the pitch to give us a fightin chance against Bornley, who are 3rd bottom!? 

Attendance: 50,757 

*PS: Sorry aboot the delay in puttin this game online, but aa woz rushed off mee feet yesterday and just didnt have time!

THE TOON v NOHRICH MATCH REPORT WILL BE LATE!----VERY LATE!!!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 1st December 2021

Due to unforeseen circumstances the Nohrich match report will not appear here til tomorrow!

This IZ The Geordie Times---wot did yoo expect!?

THE TOON v DELIA'Z CANARY CUSTARD CREAMS *** TOONEET AT '7:30 BELLS'!

 Posted '3:30pm bells' Tuesday 30th November 2021

"MUST!--MUST!---MUST!---MUST!---WIN!"

You've hord of 'must win games' before ----but this reeely IZ a 'must win game', for failure to do so and not win against Bornley on Saturday at home az well, will make wor survival bid aalmost impossible with games in December against 'The Basil Brush Brigade' of Lestaa, 'The Liverbirds' and both Manc clubs, which we expect will bring ZERO points!

The January transfor window iz wor anly hope of avoidin the drop az half wor current squad played in The Championship in 2016!

But which quality players would come to a team, that more than likely would be relegated???----A release clause at the end of the season if we do gan doon iz one option?

The poison legacy of 'The Fat Controller's failure to sanction the signin of more players in the summer iz provin to be devastatin', with nee wins in 13 Premyaa Leegue games so far!

Last summer wor then MD 'Penfold' said that on the form guide from the season before, we were fifth best team in wor last nine games, and that the squad woz therefore strong enough to finish in the top half of the table this season!---How wrang he woz!!!! 

Az of 'high noon bells' today, there were 178 home tickets available for tooneets game with Nohrich, who are bringin aroond aboot 1,000 fans with them from East Anglia, oot of the 3,000 tickets available!

One section iz segregated and so by wor calculations a crowd of just ower 50,000 will be present at SJP!  The fact that we can get that number through the tornstiles iz amazin', considerin wor plight!

The fact that NUFC are the richest futbaall club in the world makes nee difference with the current weak squad, az wor hands are tied behind wor backs until January!

The fact that we could gan into December withoot a solitary win under wor belt iz unbelievable and Eddie Howe (or anybody else for tht matter), can't make bad players good, ne matter how much yoo try on the trainin' groond!

Lets hope we are not cut adrift by then!----3 points pleeeeze, tooneet and Saturday!

Az per usual a full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Wedinzday!

THE ARSE 2 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2021-2022

 Posted just after 'high noon bells' onwards, Sunday 28th November 2021

"TO HELL AND BACK!"👹

Part One: "The jorney TO hell (1)!"

Mee mobile 'telling bone' rang  on Friday afternooon and it woz mee mate 'Big Al' (NOT the sheet metal workers son!)

He told me that wor train to London at '5:59 bells' on the Saturday mornin could be cancelled because of 'storm Alwyn' which woz predicted would bring 100mph gales and very heavy rain and snow!

A change of plan woz needed so 'Al' booked us on the '9:15 bells' on the same neet, hopin that it would take us to London!----The anly problem woz we had nee digs booked for an owerneet stay and would probably have to 'waalk the streets' when we got there at '1:30am bells'!

Aa met him in The Town Mouse micro pub for a few 'liquid lubrications' before heedin for The Central to (hopefully?) catch wor 'night train to 'the smoke'! <(The nickname for London)

Anyway!--- We left 'The Mouse' and had to endure torrential rain and gale force winds on the 10 minute waalk for wor train!

We were like drowned rats (or shud that be 'mice', since we'd been drinkin in a boozer of that name?) by the time we reached the shelter of the station roof and very luckily wor train WOZ'NT cancelled (unlike many others) and so 'on we got' for the torturous 300 mile jorney south, with speed restrictions in place of 50mph or much less, because of the high winds!----Ower 4 hours later we arrived at King's Cross after wot seemed like a lifetime on the train! (which woz virtually empty, coz they said 'don't travel' on the notices!

'Mal the Inglish skoool teechaa' (hiz spellin' NOT mine!) who had went doon in the afternooon, had booked himself into a hotel in Finchley(north London) and had managed to change it to a triple room, so we had somewhere to sleep!

We arrived by taxi at '2:15 bells', 'aall washed up' and £37 lighter in wor pockets after the taxi ride of 6 or 7 miles!

We were shattered by this time and plonked worselz doon on the beds and went to sleep aalmost immediately! "ZZZzzz!!!"😴

We awoke at '8:00 am bells' to heed for Holborn by tube and the kip hadn't done me much good, az aa felt like a'd been dragged backwards through a hedge 37 times! (The 12 pints and the soakin' the previous day had certainly taken its toll!!!)

The Shakespeare woz wor destination, which iz next to Holborn tube station for some much needed 'scran' and some more 'ale' (will we never learn!?)

Part Two: "The Stadium from Hell!"

It woz soon time to heed for The Emirates Stadium, for wot would be wor 15th or 16th visit?  The away end woz half empty az the game kicked off at '12:30 bells' (coz the trains were late of course--and some cancelled!) and we held wor own for most of the forst half, with Shelvey hittin the bar after a lang range effort woz tipped onto it by the Arseholes goalie!----Then a shirt pull on Schar in the box wasnt spotted by Atwell the ref or VAR----That woz it from 'us' az the home side missed a couple of good chances to take the lead!  By this time wor end woz virtually full apart from 2 seats next to me, which shud have been occupied by 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' and 'Jimmy the Riddler'! (Just why they couldnt put the kick off time back so that those on the delayed trains could get there for the start, iz shockin' and a total disregard for the travellin fans!)

We were in row 10 near the front and wor seats were soaken with the rain and yes we were VERY wet! (Another 'drowned rat'/'mouse' experience---which they missed!!) 

Unfortunately 'Blondie' and 'Jimmy' live 'in the sticks' and were unable to get to Durham station in time to catch their train!

The 2nd half I'm afraid woz wor downfall az The Arse pressed for the forst goal!----It wasnt lang in comin and in the  55th minute Saka hit a great shot across the box to beat Martin Dubravka in The Toon goal!

It woz soon 2-0 to the home side, scored by Martiell and 'curtains' for NUFC who have now lost on wor previous 11 visits to this venue and its SEVEN years since we actually scored a goal here (Perez in 2014!) Aalso a foul on Wilson in the box woz waved away by the ref and just why VAR didnt check this iz anybodys guess!?

After the 2nd goal went it The Arse fans taunted us with chants of: "You're rich, but you're f**kin' sh*t!"  (Reality check!)

'The Stadium from Hell', az far az we are concerned!

ATTENDANCE: 59,886 (3,000 very tired Toon fans!)

Part Three: "The Jorney FROM hell (2)!"

It woz back to King's Cross after the game where were booked on the '4:30 bells' train yem!  WE were told by a train crew member that we COULD get on a train that left at '3:30 bells' az travel plans and restrictions were NOT in place!----We settled doon in forst class, anly to be told ower the train loudspeakers that we MUST now travel on wor original trains!---We were forced to get off and heeded for The Parcel Yard boozer for some more 'ale' before retornin to catch the '4:30 bells'!

We were supposed to be in coach 'L' but there woz NEE coach 'L' and so we grabbed some seats in coach 'K' (1st class)

Some young Toon fans aged aboot 19 to 25 got on and sat in some other seats behind us, carryin bottles of wine and spirits and they were obviously on drugs az well! (The didn't have 1st class tickets, but there were nee ticket checks!?)  They spent the next 5 hours tryin to sing crap songs at the top of their voices and banging on the tables and windows, az they got drunker and drunker by the minute! (there woz nee escape!)

Neebody from the train crew came to try and calm them doon and from past experiences its a waste of time to try and tell anybody on drink and drugs to act sensibly!----On top of that there woz NEE food or drinks services, which yoo normally get if yoo have a forst class ticket!  (We assumed that this woz because of the idiots behind us and they didnt want any confrontations !)

There woz aalso a fight in the next carriage where one fans got punched in hiz face by a fellow mortal Toon fan!

A'v been travellin' to Toon games on trains for ower 50 years and this, woz the worst trip EVER, for certain! (We have applied for a full refund!- I didn't buy any food or drink for the train, az I expected to be fed and watered and woz starving by the time we got back!)

Anyway!---after nearly 5 hours of 'noise pollution hell', we arrived back in The Toon and aa jumped onto mee bus yem, with none of them on board! (peace porfect peace!)

PS: Az an old mate caalled Dinzzy added: "We were aalways drunk az 'billy goats' when we were younger, but never wanted to fight nee f**ker!"( And never fight or annoy wor own fans eethaa, Dinzzy!)

The train company's have a slogan to report abuse on trains: "See it, say it, sorted!"  When it shud say: See it, say it, sort f**k all!"

'THE GEORDIE TIMES'---A GROVELLIN' APOLOGEEE!

We said that 'storm Alwyn' had disrupted wor travel plans, when it woz n fact 'storm Arwen'!---- We apologize Profusely to 'storm Arwen' for any distress caused by wor misinformation!

THE ARSE v THE TOON *** TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

 Posted from '12:28pm bells' onwards, Friday 26th November 2021

"HOWE'S ABOUT THAT, THEN!"

News reaches The Geordie Times that Eddie Howe WILL be present in wor dugoot at The Emirates Stadium tomorrow after he tested negative for covid!  This of course will be the forst time that Ed haz been in the dugoot az he watched hiz forst game in charge v Brentfaad in hiz hotel room, az he had had the dreaded positive test!

Lets hope that he can instill some belief in wor side that haz now went 13 games from the start of the season withoot one solitary win! (includin the Leegue Cup)---The worst record in the entire Futbaall Leegue, az we are the anly one oot of the 92 not to win a game! (134 if yoo include the Scottish leegues!)

We have sold wor allocation of 3,000 tickets and we will be settin off from The Central (station) at 6:00am bells! (alarm set for '4:30 bells'!) (Er!---that's 3 of us NOT 3,000!)  

It iz 11 years since we last won here and 7 years since we last score here!---And we have now lost '10 in a row' at this venue!

So that's an easy 3 points then!?????

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Sunday!---Az per usual --- "Watch this space!"

RED LIGHT AT THE GREEN!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Thorzday 25th November 2021

RUSH GREEN STADIUM IN 2019 (TOON IN BLACK)

News that wor FA Youth Cup tie away to 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham on Friday December 12th iz to be played at Rush Green Stadium, Romford, in east London, reaches 'The Geordie Times'.

HOWEVER!--- it iz to be played behind closed doors in front of just relatives of the players and club staff, with nee fans admitted!

Yoo would 'fink' that they would play the game at London Stadium to give the youngins some experience of playin in front of a crowd, but in their wisdom West Ham have decided to play it at their trainin' groond stadium instead!

Wot we can't understand iz that 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have been there before, az fans were admitted when we played their U23s in December 2019 when we lost 4-0 in the FA Premyaa Resorve Leegue, in front of 143 spectators, includin 7 of us!---?????