"THEY'VE EVEN HOYED THE KITCHEN SINK IN TO TRY AND SINK US!"

Posted '10:40am bells' Sunday 19th July 2020

Tomorrow evenin we take on 'Nee Where Near' Brightin' (coz there groond iz 6 miles away from their centre, in the middle of nee where!)
in wor last away game of the season!
Again,wor manager, 'Broken Nose Bruce' has said that wor squad has been desimated and that at least 8 players will be missin'!

This game comes az wor takeower gans into yet anothaa week (lost count now?) with everythin' INCLUDIN' the kitchen sink bein hoyed into the works to try and stop it!

It truly is amazing that this haz been gannin on since the beginnin' of April and iz STILL NOT RESOLVED!

3 weeks ago Premyaa Leegue cheef executive, Richard ' I can't make my mind up' Masters, said a decision would be "made shortly" (in his words)

'Shortly' to yoo and me meenz a few days, but in Masters case it meenz a few MONTHS!

He has GOT to make a decision 'shortly' (sic!) or else the whole thing could unravel in a downward spiral and gan doon the PLUG HOLE!

PS: A full and compreehensive Tellyhoppers match report will appear here in due course!

BARROW BOYS!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 18th July 2020

On this weekend two years ago we faced Barrow at their Holker Street ground for a second string pre season friendly!

Barrow, of course have just returned to The Futbaall Leegue after a 50 year absence and we reproduce wor archive match report from that game below!

334 Holker Street, Barrow

Ground number 334 
(138th ground visited that has staged League Football)
(169th ground visited including Scottish League)
Date of First Visit: 16th July 2018
Holker Street, Barrow in Furness

Barrow 2
Newcastle United U23s 3

Friendly fixture
Attendance: 400 est

"THE THORD OF A THOOSAND CLUB!"

SORENSEN'S 1st GOAL
(GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!)

A'd 'binned' the fight ticket to Dublin for wor game v St Pats az NUFC had arranged a game at short notice in Barrow and we sent the U23 squad there on the day aa woz due to fly!

Az Barrow's Holker Street groond woz an ex Futbaall Leegue groond aa HAD to gan and caught the train to Barrow via Carlisle at the exact time aa woz due to fly to Ireland!
The train jawnee woz torture and took 4 and a half hours with 30 odd stops and I arrived (eventually!) at '4:30 bells' and heeded for the nearest ale hoose which woz caalled The Furness Railway!
At £1.99 for a pint of 'Smiths' aa wasnt gannih gan anywhere else az the groond woz just a 10 minute waalk away!

The usual 'saddos' who gan to these games (like me!) then started to appear, namely Biffa the Beer (he likes the broon stuff!), Dave fom York and hiz 'sidekick' Alex of St George!
After a few more 'gargels' it woz time to heed for the clubhoose at the groond, before finally makin wor way inside just before the kick off!

The Toon's 2nd string came from behind to win this thrillin encoontaa 3-2 in Barrow 'the back of beyond'!

John Rooney the bruvva of Wayne, opened the scorin for the home side after just 4 mins on the clock
Ivan Toney equalised for NUFC just before the break with a tap in your great granny could have scored!

Sorensen then got 2 for The Toon in the 2nd period before Barrow pulled one back, but it woz too little too late az we held on for the win!

This groond meenz av past the thord of a thoosand grounds mark followin NUFC!

After the game it woz back to The Furness Railway and to pick up just wot happened next gan to ground 335 report!
(Much more to follow when aa get time!----got to catch a ferry to Dublin for wor 1st teams game at St Patricks Athletic!)

THE TOON 1 SPORZ 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

 Posted '8:15am bells' Thorsday 16th July 2020

2 LIQUID REFRESHMENT BREAKS
1 AT ST. JAMES' PARK AND 1
IN GRANDBAIRNS HOOSE!

"Come on you yellows?"

The expected 8 changes to the Toon line up didnt materialise and anly 3 changes were made to the team that started against Wotfaad last Saturday!

The breakthrough came in the 27th minute with Song scoring for Sporz with a shot which went just inside the post at The Gallowgate End, followin a mistayk by Schar in the Toon defence!

A pinpoint Shelvey cross foond the heed of Dwight Gayle and hiz glancing heeder hit the post, but cruelly rebounded back into play in the 38th minute!

MATT RICHIE GOAL!

And then with 11minutes of the 2nd half played Matt Richie hit a screamer from the edge of the box to level things!

However the lea
d lasted barely 4 minutes as Harry Kane heeded past Dubravka to restore the visitors lead and give Kane hiz 200th career goal!

He aalso put the final nail in wor coffin in the dyin'
embers of the game, with anothaa heeder after Dubravka had palmed a shot in his direction!

A'd watched the match In mee grandbairns hoose, az aa didnt have time to gan to The 3 Bulls as intended, as aa finished work late!

They had crowd noise switched on and I swear that the fantom Sporz fans were singin "Come on you yellows!" (They played in light blue!)
Must make an appointment to get mee hearin' tested!😳

Toon team: Dubravka, Krafth, Schar, Fernandez, Yedlin (Lazaro 55), Bentaleb (Matty Langstaff 86), Shelvey, Ritchie, Gayle (Joelinton 69), Saint-Maximin, Almiron

Official attendance in grandbairns hoose: 4!

HALF TIME BREAK
KAI GETS SOME PRATICE IN!
(SPOT THE TOON CREST!)

MAL FROM DARLO'S NUFC MAD SAD TELLYHOPPERS
LIQUID REFRESMENT BREAK!
(OR SHUD THAT BE MAD SAD LAPTOPHOPPERS BREAK?)

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THE TOON V SPORZ *** TEATIME TODAY!

Posted '8:00am bells' Wedinzday 15th July 2020
at Ferrybridg, north Yorkshire (On mee way to Redditch, Worcestershire)

Later today NUFC play the penultimate home game of the season against Sporz.

Wor manager 'Broken Nose Bruce' says that we have quite a few injuries and so the team will be completly different to the ones that faced Man City and Wotfaad in the last week! (At least 8 players are oot, or are doubtful!)


Not sure where we are watchin game today, but a table in 'The 3 Bulls' has been booked and assuming aa get finished graft by '5 15 bells', after mee 'truck run' to Redditch---that's where aa'll watch it!
(If not, aa will have to find somewhere else, due to time restraints!)

A full Geordie Times tellyhoppers report will appear here eventually!

"WEAZE 'KEYS' ARE THEAZE!"

Posted '7:25pm bells' Munday 14th July 2020

"NOW WE NAA JUST WHY KEYS DOESN'T WANT THE NUFC TAKEOWER TO HAPPEN!"

QUEEN OF THE SOUTH 1984 *** BIG JACK'S FORST MATCH IN CHARGE OF NUFC

Posted '7:30pm bells' Munday 13th July 2020

BIG JACK SITS IN THE EAST STAND PADDOCK 

JUST AFTER HIZ APPOINTMENT AZ NUFC MANAGER!

Aa met Big Jack Charlton for the forst time---at a half time buffet in hiz forst Toon game in charge in August 1984----and he woz non to pleazed to see me and othaa Toon fans nickin' the scran in the hospitality lounge!

A'v highlighted that paragraph in gold writin' in the archive ground report of that game 36 years ago, which iz printed below!

Big Jack woz indeed a larger than life character in more ways than one, az he towered above us that day!

The anly othaa time aa met him woz  at a friendly at Berwick Rangers a few days later in the car park next to the groond after the game---Jack spoke to me and said he had lost hiz car keys and had locked himsel oot of hiz car!
He then went back into the main reception to see if he could find them!---To this day I have nee idea if he ever foond them!?

R.I.P. Big Jack!

069 palmerston park queen of the south

(GROUND NUMBER 69)
Date of First Visit: 4th AUGUST 1984
PALMERSTON PARK, DUMFRIES, SCOTLAND



QUEEN OF THE SOUTH 1
NEWCASTLE UNITED 1 (Beardsley)




FRIENDLY FIXTURE
ATTENDANCE 2,000 (500 Toon fans)








GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND (Part One)





Mary-queen of the south? 

"69's THE BEST WAY!"


The Toon's 'Grand Tour of Scotland' in the summer of '84' kicked off at the 'grandly' titled 'Queen of the South' which is situated in the toon of Dumfries a few miles ower the border from Carlisle.
A 'boat load' of us met up at 'the Central' and crammed into the back of a battered tranny van and on the way up we picked 'Grumpy Stumpy' up from his granneez hoose in Throckley.




The van was an 'aad wreck' with nee seats in the back (Er!---apart from a couple of beer crates!) and two of the company who were 'on the hoy' aalready (and who shall remain nameless!) decided that they urgently needed to gan to the 'tool shed' and procceded tih get a 'gypsies kiss' on the side of the van!.




The driver, (Aka: ME!----who did'nt want the van covered in p**s!) drove off suddenly at high speed!, leavin' them in full view of Stumpy's gran's livin' room window, danglin' their d***s! in one hand (whilst still drinkin' their cans of Broon with the otha!)
(ER!---change that tih 'nameless and SHAMEless'!)




'Stumpy', to say the least waz NOT! a 'happy bunny' and he tried to shield his gran from the 'horror show' by usin' his 'flab'uous frame' to stand in front of hor! (NOT! a pretty sight!)----(ER!,the lads gettin' a 'gypsies'!)--- (NOT!-Stumpys' frame!)
He was now dyin' of accute embarrassment! and (very!) quickly said hiz 'goodbyes' to his 'shell-shocked' granny and hoyed himsel into the 'tranny', tellin' iz to 'move it', 'sharp'ish'!
and so 'off we sped'!




The best way to get there was alang the A69 via 'Hadrians Waall' and as coincidence would have it, this was mee 69th groond watchin' 'The Toon' in action.
The toon of Dumfries, (as we soon foond oot!) waz a drinkers paradise!, with scores of drinkin' dens nestlin' on the riverside and beyond. BUT!--- more importantly!--- it was within easy reach of the groond, who's floodlights could be seen in the distance.




Newcastle had just won promotion back to the 'top flight', and expectations were high followin' 'Special 'K's (Kevin Keegan's) premature retirement at the end of the previous season.
Durin' the close season, manager Arthur Cox had sensationally resigned, and 'Big Jack' Charlton had been instaalled as the new manager, and this was his forst game in charge.




A total of ten of us had travelled from Tyneside in the 'aad wreck', which was tih be wor home for the next couple of days!.
The 'interminable ten' (wharrever that meenz?) dived oot the van and into the forst 'waaterin' hole', appropriately named, 'The Hole in the Wall'!, where the forst 'liquids' went doon 'without touchin' the sides'!
If mee memory sorves iz well, the 'ten', were---lang haired Mac, Marty, Santy Sant, Windy Wind, Grumpy Stumpy, Ronny the Hunter, Tex Taylor, Bob 'Patter', meesel and Jimmy the Mask, (so caalled coz he aalways looked like he was wearin' a clowns mask!)




After de'in 'The Grand Tour' of the 'Dives of Dumfries', it waz time tih gan tih the game, so wih trundled across the river and heeded for the floodlights.
Like aa say, expectations were high for the new season---but!, they would soon be dashed by the boys from Dumfries. (Reeed on!)




The groond was'nt as bad as a'd expected with cover on three sides, although the 'side' opposite us (knaan locally az 'The Jimmy Jolly Bullshed'---would you beleeeve!?) waz cordoned off because the roof waz unsafe (apparently)




The Toon had several chances orly on, with the best faallin' to Kenny Wharton, who blasted a shot which rebounded off the woodwork to full back Alan Broon, (Brown!) who, 'skied' the simple chance before him (some six yards oot!) and hit it way ower the bar!




Aa waz sittin' next to an 'old timer' in the main stand, and he telt iz that he'd followed 'Queens' since the club was founded in 1919, and that he had'nt missed a home game in aall that time!, which is quite some record.
He'd started gannin when he was five years aad, and sixty five years later he was still gannin. (Now that's what aa CAALL! a supporter!)




His lifetime of loyalty was rewarded soon after Broon's miss, when a deflected shot came off a Toon player and a grateful Queen's forward (who's name I have nee relection of!) slotted the baall past Kevin 'Carzzy' Carr in the Newcastle goal!
That's the way it stayed till the break and 'Big Jack' waz not pleezed az he stormed off doon the tunnel, tihwards the dressin' rooms!




We! (on the otha hand!) 'stormed' towards the 'tool shed' and on the way back we took a wrang turnin' and ended up in the players hospitality lounge!-----There was loads of scran on a huge table and this was an opportunity not to be missed!---- SO! (az yih de!) we got 'stuck in' to the wares on offer!
'Big Jack' suddenly stuck his heed around the corner and he was 'non too pleeezed' to see us 'scrannin' HIS! half time buffet as he stood there slurpin' a cup of 'John McNamee'! (remember him???)
He just gave us one of those: 'What the F*** are yeez lot de'in in here, nickin aall mee scran'---looks!, as he took a swig from his cup, before disappearin' with a cheese stotty back towards the dressin' rooms in a rage!




Hiz half time 'bollockin' obviously did the trick az within ten minutes of the restart, Peter Beardsley had chipped the Queen of the South keeper to put wih back on level torms.
Things however went doonhill from this point and the game 'petered' oot and finished one's a piece!
(The best 'move of the match' waz actually made az the ref blew for full time, when we made for the nearest booza a few hundred yards from the groond, next tih the river!)
Not a good start for 'Big Jacks' reign!




Queen of the South, incidently, are so caalled because the toon of Dumfries is known as Scotlands 'fair queen of the south', but rumours persist that it was because Mary 'Queen of Scots' used to live in a  medival castle owerlookin' Palmerston Park!. (SO!---nuw yih naa!.) (or divvint naa?--az the case may be???)




After the match wih headed for the toon centre where's there's loads of ale hooses, and decided (en-mass) tih get totally 'rat-arsed', before retirin' tih wih 'luxury'? 'five star' hotel at 'chuckin' oot time'. (aboot one 'o' clock in the mornin'!)
Before we 'retired' some of the company decided tih gan for a 'quick naked dip' in the river!---NOT! a good idea az it waz f***** freeeezzzin'!




'Windy' waz SO! blotto, he took his 'kit' off and dived in with just his socks on! (he forgot to tek them off!) and was the last to get oot.
This was unfortunate for him as the local 'Dibble' were waitin' next to the bridge as he staggered oot the river and they hoyed him in a 'meat wagon' and 'carted' him off to the local nick!
(We were luckier and 'evaded capture' and scarpered!)




We were playin' 'Hibs' at Easter Road the next day, so we staggered back to 'THE 'HOTEL VAN TRANSIT', for a few hours 'beauty sleep'!-------ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!




(The Grand Tour of Scotland----end of Part One---Part Two to follow!)








©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)

WOTFAAD 2 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2019-2020

Posted '10:54am bells' Sunday 12th July 2020

A MINUTES SILENCE FOR FORMER TOON MANAGER 

AND WORLD CUP WINNER JACK CHARLTON 

WHO DIED ON FRIDAY!  R.I.P. 'BIG JACK'

"TOON PAY THE PENALTY-EEES!"

A game of 2 halves-- in the first NUFC dominated play and raced into a 1-0 lead at Vicarage Road through a Dwight Gayle tap in in the 23rd minute, az 'The NUFC Mad-Sad Tellyhoppers' watched from the upper deck of Rosie's Bar near St. James' Park!  It shoud have been much more, but we just couldn't double wor lead----and we payed the ultimate price for this in the 2nd period!

DWIGHT GAYLE GOAL---A SIMPLE TAP IN!

The 2nd half, like aa say, woz anothaa disaster show from 'The Orangemen' (we played in wor aall orange away kit this time!)(Bottle green v Man City on Wedinzday!)

Matt Ritchie made minimal contact with a Wotfaad forward in the box and the ref pointed to the spot!  It woz one of those 50/50 decisions where it could gan eethaa way! After a VAR check conformed it WOZ a penalty, up stepped Troy Deeney to level the scores, az he hit hiz shot doon the middle with Dubravka in the Toon goal, divin to hiz right!  1-1 after 52 minutes

Manquillo then gave away anothaa daft penalty half an hour later, when he climbed aall ower a Wotfaad striker and pulled him doon in the box!
A clear penalty this time, in my humble opinion, but Brucey thought it woz 'soft'?
After anothaa VAR check it woz again confirmed az a penalty and Deeney stepped up once more to hit his shot to the right this time, with Dubravka just gettin hiz finger tips to the baall as it hit the back of the net!   2-1 to Wotfaad!

That's the way it stayed az we hardly ventured into their half, unlike the first half, where we shud have put the game to bed!
2 defeats in a row leaves us in 13th position with 3 'behind closed doors' games to gan, before the eventual end to this very lang season!

Toon team: Dubravka, Manquillo, Lascelles (Lazaro 87), Fernandez, Rose (Krafth 79), Schar, Shelvey, Saint-Maximin, Almiron, Richie (Joelinton 72), Gayle (Bentaleb 78) 

Official attendance: 5 of us plus anothaa 5 or 6 upstairs in Rosie's, plus aboot a dozen doon stairs includin 2 bouncers and 2 bar staff and the manageress =22 or 23!?

THE VIEW OF ST. JAMES' FROM ROSIE'S UPSTAIRS BEER GARDEN!

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WOTFAAD V THE TOON *** TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted '5:46pm bells' Friday 10th July 2020

THIS is the nearest real 'quality' that NUFC will get under the current regime!

"OLD 'BROKEN NOSE' SPEAKS!"

Followin wor abysmal show against Man City durin the week, wor manager haz said that he wont tolerate a performance like that again!
He said exactly the same thing when we were humiliated in the FA Cup against the same opposition barely 10 days ago!?

He then admits that he haz yet to speak to wor absent owner 'The Fat Controller' aboot forthaa player recruitment, adding that he intends to add quality to the squad, despite not knowing just who will own wor great club by the start of the new season! (Whenever that iz?) Or indeed, if HE will still be in charge!?

He adds that he hope's we can unearth some gems like Saint-Maximin or Almiron, with nee mention at aall aboot £40 million man Joelinton!?

We will again heed for Rosie's bar near the groond tomorrow, to watch the game on the telly!

To be honest, personally a'v saved a fortune not bein able to gan to away games like Bournemoooth, Man City and now Wotfaad!

BUT! I honestly hate watchin us 'on the box' with false crowd noise and empty soulless stadiums---and would far rather be skint, than have this alternative!

"AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE!"

Az I write this, I am in The Crows Nest sitting in a designated seat, chosen by one of the bar staff, which makes the whole new pub experience crap az well!

In the Toon today the followin boozers are still shut that I have tried to get in tee!  The Bodega, Tilleys, The Star, The Welly, The Bacchus, The Monkey Bar and Trillians!

Open bars I have been tee are Lady Greys, The Junction and here in 'The Crows'!
ie: It's an open and shut case!

A full Geordie Times 'Tellyhoppers' report will appear here in due course---rather like the agonisin' takeower, where the 'fit and propaa persons test' has just entered its 4th month OR the ONE THIRD OF A YEAR MARK!  (Dependin on how your brain box works?)